Original subtitles

- Good morning, Carol. - Oh, hi, Bob.

What are, uh- What are my appointments?

Well, Mr. Carlin at 9:00, Mr. Carlin at 10:00, Mr. Carlin at 11:00.

- Well, we ought to give him a group rate. -[Chuckles]

Bob, why does Mr. Carlin bring his Monopoly game?

Well, we, uh, play Monopoly while he tells me how much money he's making in real estate.

- Mm. - It helps him relax.

- Mm. - He's really very good at it. I've never beat him.

The last game we played, he had four hotels on Park Place...

- and I had Baltic Avenue and the Waterworks. - [Chuckles]

- That's a bummer, Bob. - What else is on my schedule?

Uh, Mr. Vickers at 2:OO...

the article for thejournal is due, and there's a surprise for you in your office.

- What, uh-What is it? - Well, it's a surprise!

You, uh, can't even give me a hint, huh?

I don't think so, Bob. It would spoil it.

There. Now, aren't you surprised?

- Yeah. - I thought you would be.

Uh, Carol?

- Yes, Bob. - There is an explanation for this?

I'm sure there is.

- Wh-What is it? - Act of God?

- Not good enough. - Well, there's a dance studio up there.

- What are they having, a Flamenco reunion? - [Chuckles]

- Carol, call Maintenance. - Bob, I called them...

and they said it sounded to them like somebody was out to get you.

Well, that makes sense. The first thing they go after is a guy's ceiling.

- [Chuckles] - Would you call them again?

- Certainly, Bob. - Hi, Carol.

- Hi, Mr. Carlin. - Hi, Dr. Hartley.

I'm putting all my money into municipal bonds. I figure it'll be safer that way.

Can I be the banker today? I'm gonna win all the money anyway.

Mr. Carlin, I don't know if you've noticed, but the ceiling caved in.

You're telling me? The stock market lost 1 O points yesterday.

Mr. Carlin, you're sitting on my ceiling.

Oh,yeah. Boy, somebody must be out to get you.

Carol, would you see if you could find a vacant office for a- for a session?

Oh, sure, Bob. Dr. Tupperman's out of town. You could use his urology lab.

I don't want to play there. That'd be like playing in the men's room.

Well, that was gonna be my next suggestion.

Carol, just try to find one with a couch?

- Sure, Bob. - Wh-Why don't we, uh, sit down?

- All right. - Well, what's on your mind besides money?

Women. They're all after my money.

I took this one girl to McDonald's and she ordered two Big Macs.

Then she removed the bun in the middle. You know, the one that separates the two patties?

Just threw it in the wastebasket!

And she didn't even touch her fries.

I tell you, they're all alike, Take Elliot Carlin for a ride.

Easy come, easy go.

Sorry, Mr. Carlin, I didn't hear what you were saying.

- {Elevator Dings] - Good mommgfiob.

- Hi, Eddie. - Got some letters for you.

Oh, that looks like a nice tax refund.

I don't know how a guy in your bracket ever gets anything back.

He uses my tax man.

Where's Carol? I want to know if she had any news on thosejob interviews.

What, uh- What job interviews?

Oh, all over the place. She sent out 1 O résumés.

L-I just gave her a raise a month ago.

Oh, Bob, come on. Five bucks a week?

- [E/e vator Ding; ] - Well, I'll seeya.

Hey, look, if you see Carol...

tell her to let me know what she decides, huh?

[Scoffs] Five bucks!

Uh, Mr. Carlin, you were saying something about...

“pigs, backs and thighs?“

Big Macs and fries.

Bob, sorry, nothing's available.

Carol, what's this about your sending out résumés? Aren't you happy here?

Oh, yes. Yeah, sure, Bob.

It's just that I don't see much chance for advancement, you know?

- Well, maybe we ought to talk about it. - Not now. We're on my time.

I still think we should talk about it.

- I'd love to listen. - [ Phone Rings]

- Dr. Hartley's office. - Will you hold his calls, please?

- It's Maintenance. - I really should take this.

Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Charnowski.

How soon do you think it'll be fixed?

Well, I know you work very hard.

E-Everyone deserves a vacation.

Listen, Mr. Charnowski- Yeah, would you call me when you get back from Warsaw?

- Hi, dear. How was your day? - Remember the last time you were at my office...

- and you thought the ceiling was sagging? - It was.

It isn't anymore.

It fell in.

I had to have all my sessions in the reception room...

Carol's thinking about looking for a new job, I got creamed in Monopoly...

and it was just a terrible day.

Aw, then I guess now isn't a good time to tell you that I'm pregnant.

I guess not. What?

[Laughing] I'm only kidding, Bob.

Take it easy. Now look, you're home, sojust relax.

- What's burning? - Lasagna, and it's already burned.

- Wh-What are we having for dinner? - Cinders.

- Great end to a perfect day. - [ Laughs]

- Oh. What are your plans tomorrow night? - Why?

- I want you to leave. - Bob, I'm sorryl burned the lasagna.

No, no, no. I'm gonna have my patients over here.

I can't work in my office without a hard hat.

Oh, well, I'm sure I can find something to do.

- Uh, there's a Blackhawks-Rangers game. - [knockingAt Door]

Oh, honey, you know I hate basketball.

I guess you wouldn't like hockey either.

- Hi. - Hi! How are ya?

- Hi, Robert. - Hi, Bob. What are you guys doin'?

- We're just about to skip dinner. - Smells like a good idea.

Want to take a drive down to the lake and park?

- The four of us? - Howard, I don't want to do that.

Well, I guess then there's just the three of us.

Howard, I don't want to do that either.

- Bob? - No.

I thought it'd be kind of a nice place to break the news.

- Oh, what news? - Tell 'em, Howard.

- I'm being transferred to New York. - You're kidding?

- When did that happen? - Today. Tell them, honey.

[Chuckles] Howard's gonna be a copilot.

- Oh, Howard, that's wonderful. - Well, this calls for drinks.

- And you thought it would never happen. - Well, it had to happen.

Navigators are being phased out.

It was either be a copilot or a skycap.

Well, Howard, I think you made the right choice.

I don't know, with tips, I could have really-

- Howard, it's really good news. - Yeah, well- [ Clears Throat]

Tell them the other part.

- What other part? - Well, the, uh...

“We're getting married and you're going with me“ part.

I never heard that part.

- Didn't I tell you? - [Chuckles] No.

Then it goes without saying.

This really calls for a celebration. Honey, break out the champagne.

Howard, I think that we should discuss this privately.

Wall, I can't ask Bob and Emily to leave their own apartment.

- No, you can't. - You ask them.

- Oh! Come on, Howard. - I could have sworn I told you.

[Chuckles] It's a good thing I found out before the wedding.

Guess the bride's always the last to know.

Bob, you know what this means? Howard and Ellen'll be leaving.

Carol may he leaving too. Better save the champagne.

We're gonna be having a lot of good-bye parties.

You know what we ought to do tonight? Why don't we go to an Italian restaurant...

have linguine and clam sauce and a hot fudge sundae?

Are you sure you're not pregnant?

Go on with that, Mr. Vickers.

Well, there's nothing to go on with. The Vickers family reunion was last Sunday.

I'm the oldest living member of the family, and I wasn't invited.

And you, uh- You thinkyour son may have had something to do with it?

All I know is that when I arrived at the picnic grounds...

I was attacked by his guard dogs.

They shredded my loafers.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I gotta make a living here too.

Yeah, I'm sorryJerry. Time's almost up.

Oh, it's just as well.

I can't stand looking at that light any longer.

It reminds me of the time my son had me interrogated when his car was stolen.

Well, we'll see you next week, Mr. Vickers.

Where are we meeting next week? In the broom closet?

- My ceiling should be fixed by then. - Bushwa/

Sorry to have inconvenienced you,jerry.

Oh, anytime, Bob. Except now. I really got a busy afternoon ahead of me.

Excuse meJerry. I have to talk to Bob,.

- I'm working! - I can talk to you too. You're concerned here.

- Oh, good. Then I can stay? - Yes.

This is the thing. Now, I have been offered a job by Landover Chemical Company...

in their Personnel Department.

Now, this is a fantasticjob, and it has a great chance for advancement...

plus, it starts at $40 a week more than I'm making here...

HOW.

Well, see-l thought your natural inclination here would be to talk me out of it.

Well, go ahead.

Uh, 4O bucks more? That's a- That's a good deal.

Yeah, that's 160 bucks more a month.

Well, far be it from me to start a bidding war, but I can be bought.

[Laughs]

- Forty bucks, Bob. What do you think? - Well, I'd, uh-

Sounds like a great opportunity, Carol. Best of luck to you.

- That's it? - Well, there'll probably be a going-away luncheon, you know.

Well-Well, what about that five years I've spent with you guys?

- Good times. - Great years.

Well, then, I guess I'll be giving notice.

- [ Bob] Well, I guess that's the thing to do. - Yeah.

- Hey, uh, Carol? - Rwy.

Still got that list of girls we interviewed when you went on vacation?

- Yes. - Would you bring it in, please?

Oh, surely. Oh, yes.

And listen, please, don't wallow in all this sentiment, guys.

Really. No long good-byes. No,just try and go on with your lives here.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, Carol. No, Bob can't see you tonight.

He's having some patients over here.

Well, listen, um, Bob offered me some tickets to a hockey game-

the Blackhawks and the Ringers?

- [Bob Clears Throat] Rangers. - Oh. Rangers.

Oh. Sure, we can just go for a drink.

Yeah, Schweglefs is fine.

Okay. Yeah, I'll pickyou up in a half hour. Bye-bye.

Emily, this is very nice of you to do this.

Oh, I can catch the hockey scores later.

Listen, honey, there's dip and hors d'oeuvres in the refrigerator.

- And have a good time. - Well, I'm not gonna have a good time, I'm gonna have therapy.

- N“. - [Knocking At Door]

I'll get it. Well, hello, Mr. Vickers.

Well, you shouldn't have brought food. There's plenty in the refrigerator.

This is dog food.

Well, like I said, honey, have a good time...

and if you need me, I'll be at Schweglefs.

- Good night, Mr. Vickers. - Well, have a seat, Mr. Vickers.

This is a very nice apartment. It looks like my son's place.

He feeds off the misery of other people too.

I've been giving it a lot of thought.

What if you wrote your son a letter?

The dogs know my handwriting. They'd rip it to pieces.

- [Knocking] - Excuse me, Mr. Vickers.

Listen for a growl. I might have been followed.

Oh, Bob, I've got to talk to you.

- Ellen, I'm right in the middle of a session. - This will just take a minute.

- Who's that? - Oh, Mr. Vickers, this is my sister, Ellen.

- Hi. - Charmed.

Listen, Bob, this thing with Howard is really getting out of hand.

Not only has he got me flying to New York, now he wants to get married on the plane.

E-Ellen, could we talk about this later?

Oh, sure, sure, you're working. Well, where's Emily? Maybe I'll talkwith her.

- She's at Schweglefs. - Oh, thank you! Nice meeting you.

- Mutual, I'm sure. - Where- Where were we?

We were talking about my son. He's a nasty, sour, vindictive person.

It's hard to believe that he's my own flesh and blood.

Well, maybe he picked up some of these traits from his mother.

Oh, maybe so.

His mother was my second wife. No, my third.

She was no good. The first and the fourth were good.

The fifth was the worst. Still is.

- [ Knocking Frantically] - [ Sighs] Excuse me.

What is this? A way station?

Oh, hi, Dr. Hartley.

Mr. Carlin, your session is at 8:00.

I thought maybe you'd like to get in a quick game.

- I have another patient. - Oh yeah. How're you doin', Vickers?

- Swell. - Mind if I sit in?

Yes, I mind.

Mr. Carlin, I'm afraid you're gonna have to leave.

That's okay. I won't get in the way.

There's a- There's a television set in the bedroom.

- Got a TV Guide? - it's on the set.

Now, from all your experiences, there must be some that were favorable to look back on?

TV Set, Loud 1

[Wild Applause 1

[Shouting] Mr. Carlin, can you turn that down just a little?

Volume Lowers]

- What's this? Dip? - Helpyourself.

- And rolled-up bologna? - With pimentos.

Great idea. joke hors d'oeuvres.

He's the closest thing I've ever seen to my son.

Mr. Carlin, you just can't keep interrupting us.

- I can't have a session with him here. - Good.

Then how about a nice game of Monopoly?

Let's play. I'm going to wipe you out.

Oh, yeah? Better men than you have tried.

- You don't know who you're dealing with. - /'// take my chances.

- You want the shoe or the thimble? - I have the thimble.

Carol, it sounds like a wonderful job opportunity. You must really be excited.

Oh, sure. It's very exciting, being dumped.

It's like, “Thankyou very much for five years of your life.

- Next!“ - Here you are, ladies.

Uh, excuse me, but we didn't order these.

It's from the gentleman at the next table.

- My pleasure. - What kind of drinks are these?

Boilermakers. Don't have all night.

- We're not gonna drink these. - Well, then let's go to my apartment.

- Forget it. - Not so fast, Emily.

- You girls twins? - Identical.

[Groans] Uh- Look, look. We don't know you.

Oh, Bud Brey. Malcolm Wall Heater Company.

Carol Kester. Landover Chemical. Hi.

- Uh, let's go to the apartment. - That's as good a place as any.

Carol! Emily.

- Hi, Ellen. - Hi, Ellen.

Triplets, huh? Look, stay right here.

I'm gonna run down to the bowling alley and get my brothers.

- Who was that? - Bud Brey. Malcolm Wall Heaters.

- [ Sighs] - What are you doing here?

Bob told me you were here, and I just needed to talk.

Ah, I'll have a boilermaker too.

Oh, you must really have something on your mind, huh?

- I don't wanna go to New York. - I don't wanna go to Landover Chemical.

Now, look. I think Ellen should talk to Howard about New York...

Carol should talk to Bob about Landover, and none of us should talk to the Brey brothers.

Emily, I can't talk to Howard. He won't stop making preparations...

long enough to listen to me- right now, he's out choosing a silver pattern.

Hey, I can't talk to Bob. I mean, he's working at home at the apartment, right?

Yeah. Well, all right. We-We'll talk here.

- [ Ellen And Carol ] Well- - Oh, well, after you.

- No, you go first. - Well, what-

Hey, look, uh, my brothers won't leave.

They're in the sixth frame, and they want me to bring you over so they can checkyou out.

Carol, what are you doing?

You're absolutely right, Emily. if they want to check us out, they'll have to come over here.

[Carlin] I had him in the palm of my hand.

- The Luxury Tax killed me. - Stupidity killed you.

No, no, you both played very well, but if you're gonna check into my hotel in Marvin Gardens...

you'd better have cash.

Uh, Mr. Vickers, don't forget your shoes.

Oh, yes. I'll need those in court!

Sure you don't wanna play a little two-man game?

No, I think I've made my point, Mr. Carlin.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello? Uh,yes, Mrs. Vickers. He just left.

Well, I'm afraid I can't discuss what we talked about.

Which Mrs. Vickers are you?

Yes, he mentioned you quite a lot.

Well, he should be home soon.

Whether you care or not, he's on his way home.

- [ Knocking On Door] - Come in.

Hi. I was in the neighborhood, and I thought we could talk about Carol's replacement.

- How come you're in the neighborhoodJerry? - I got a date...

- with her replacement- she's down in the car. - Look,jerry...

I'm not gonna hire anybody that you're involved with.

- I'm not gonna hire anybody. I want Carol. - Well, so do I, Bob...

but as long as she's leaving, we might as well hire a knockout.

- Jerry, let's talk about it tomorrow. - Let's talk about it tonight.

You see, if-ifl can give this girl ayes, I can start her in a whole string of yeses.

- TomorrowJerry? - Tonight, Bob. Please.

- She's down in the car- - [Emily] Hello?

Jerry, some girl is downstairs beeping your horn.

Really? Who could that be?

- You gonna hire her? - Well, uh, I-

See, that's up to Bob. I mean-

- Uh, how was Schweglefs? - Oh, it was fine, if you like boilermakers.

- How did you do with your patients? - I killed both of them.

- What? - I-In Monopoly.

- Bob, I gotta-l gotta leave soon- -jerry, get off my back!

Bob, I'm sorry. This is so important. I want you to talk me out of taking thisjob.

Carol, I would love to talk to you. I-l just haven't had time to talk.

Bob, I've gotta talk to you about Howard.

- What about him? - You've got to talk to him.

- Where is he? - I don't know.

He's the only person in Chicago who hasn't passed through this room tonight.

- What about me, Bob? What's wrong? - No, no, Bob. Listen-

- I can't talk to all of you at once! - Why don't you all take a number...

so Bob can serve you better?

Who-Who's gonna serve me? I meamjerry wants me to...

approve a replacement for a secretary I don't want to get rid of...

my sister is gonna move to New York with one of my best friends-

I mean, th-the ceiling is failing in everywhere.

I feel like Chicken Little. Who do I talk to?

- Turkey Lurkey. - [ Groans]

Bob, do you mean it? Do you really mean it? You don't want me to go?

- Of course I don't. - Ah!

- Listen, Bob, I don't want to go to New York. - Then don't go.

- But I want to be with Howard. - Then be with him.

- But I don't want to get married yet. - Well, then, compromise.

- Get engaged in Pittsburgh. - Okay, Bob. What about- I-l-

Jerry, the answer is no, and I'm through talking!

Bob! Gotta talk to you.

- Gotta take a number, Howard. - Ah, I gotta get goin'.

Nice to have you back, Carol. Boy, I got some explaining to do.

Howard, I'm not going to New York.

Bob, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I'm not going to New York.

- I'm going to be based right here in Chicago. - Whydidn'tyou tell me?

You gotta ask me things once in a while. I can't tell you everything.

All right, Howard, listen. Instead of getting married...

couldn't we just keep doing what we've been doing?

What have you been doing?

- Look, I've got to be at my uncle's at 8:30. - Why?

Now, don't tell me I didn't tell you about the engagement party?

- No. - Ah! There's an engagement party.

Now, Bob, about this peskyjob situation-

All right, Carol. How about $1 O more a week?

- Twenty. - Twenty-five.

- Emily, stay out of this. Twenty. - Twenty-five.

- You got it. - Ah! Thank you, Bob.

Thank you, Emily. I'll see you tomorrow at 9:00 sharp. Bye.

- Is 9:00 all right, Emily? - Honey, I'm sorry all this happened at once.

I know you really wanted to talk.

Well, there's nothing left to talk about. Unless you want to talk about Monopoly.

[Chuckles] I'm sure you don't want to talk about that.

You know, it's really funny being in control of...

millions of dollars in real estate.

Oh, I guess you do want to talk about it, huh?

- Well, you see, everybody gets $1,500. - Yeah.

Now, the first shake, I land on “Chance? That advances me to Illinois Avenue.

I buy that right away, right? The next roll, doubles.

I go past “Go,“ collect $200, land on Reading Railroad.

-I buy that. All right. - [ Knocking On Door]

Oh, honey,just keep talking. You know,just get it out-

- The key to the whole game was Marvin Gardens. - Yeah.

Hi. Bob, I looked at her again. I wonder if there's some part-time work-

- No! - No.just checking.

[Elevator Dings]

- Hi, Carol. - Hi, Eddie.

I'm glad you didn't take that job. Nice to see you here at the same old stand.

- Oh! Same old stand. Same old chance for advancement. - Yeah.

Bob's office still off limits, huh? Where'd he set up shop?

- Anywhere he can, Eddie. - Mm-hmm.

Well, if you see him, tell him to call his mother.

- She's writing letters again. - [E/e vator Ding; ]

And I really feel that's the worst part-

Hold that thought, Mr. Carlin.

- Hiya, Bob. Going down? - Doesn't matter.

[ Mews]