Original subtitles

Well, good-bye, Dr. Hartley.

I'm sorry that you're not sensitive enough to help me with my problems.

Well, urn, I really feel that your nearsightedness isn't a psychological problem.

It's just that you need glasses.

That's ridiculous.

And I know there's a psychologist who can help me, and I'll find him.

No matter what I do, I'll find him.

- See, that- that's what I mean. - What?

[Elevator Dings]

N-Nothing. Well, good-bye, Mrs. Engelhart.

Good-bye. Hello. Hello.

- Carol. - Over here, Bob.

Yeah, I know.

- Lost another one, huh? - What do you mean?

Oh, well, that's the second patient in two days that hasn't taken your advice.

Oh, no. No. Mr. Milikin was different.

- He liked my advice. He just hated my guts. - Oh. Oh.

Uh, Mr. Peterson should be here by now. Where is he?

- He canceled. - Him too, huh?

- Yeah. - When's, uh- When's my next appointment?

Uh, day after tomorrow at 3:00.

Nothing until then?

Zilch.

Carol, does it seem to you, the past couple of weeks, things have been a little slow?

Oh, Bob, come on. It could bejust a lull.

There's no such thing as a lull for people with psychological problems.

- When's, uh- When's the next full moon? - Oh, Bob!

Now, Bob, listen to me.

Don't you worry about your business falling off. Things arejust tough all over.

You know, the whole country's in a slump.

Okay, Terry, remember, that's a metal retainer, so don't use your electric toothbrush...

and make sure your mother brings you again next Thursday.

Carol, next Thursday we need that thing tightened. See if you can fit her in.

Also order me a dozen new X-ray plates, a gross of cotton swabs...

and, uh, a cheeseburger.

- [E/e vator Ding; ] - Oh,jer.

- Yeah? Oh, Stevie andjay. Uh, who goes first there? - Stevie.

- Okay, Stevie, here we go, young- - Hey, Fmjay!

Youiejay! Right. Stevie, right this way.

Uh,jerry seems to be weathering the slump very nicely.

Well, Bob, teeth are different. They're not a slump item.

Well, I think I'll go in my office and slump in my chair.

- Lay would you like something to read while you're waiting? - I don't think so.

You, uh- You want to talk about it?

I'll be in my office.

My name is still on the directory downstairs, isn't it?

- Yes, it is. - Good.

You're- You're sure you don't want to talk about anything?

- Hi, Bob. - Hi, honey. What are you doing home?

I came home to get my sneakers and my binoculars. I'm taking the kids on a field trip.

You know, I haven't been on a field trip in years. Maybe I'll just tag along.

Great. We're gonna look under rocks for night crawlers and salamanders.

- How 'bout snakes? - No, we 're not gonna look forsnakes.

Then I don't want to go.

Bob, you want me to fix you some lunch?

Yeah. I'll be finished with breakfast in a few minutes.

It's 1 O after 12:00.

I only have eight after.

It's still a little late to be having breakfast.

I got caught up reading the back of the cereal box.

Did you know that Crater Puffs were invented entirely by accident?

No, I didn't know that.

It seems this, uh- this Hawaiian was walking with this ear of corn.

He got too close to this volcano.

Boy, what a way to go.

Bob, before I leave, I just want to know- Are you okay?

- What do you mean? - You haven't been to the office for two whole days.

A day and a half. I was-

I left at noon yesterday, and I have Mr. Carlin tomorrow.

Shouldn't you call the office to see if you have any more appointments?

-I called. - And?

- Zilch. - Maybe the whole world has gone stark-raving normal.

- It's just a lull. -Yeah.

Even geniuses have lulls.

Look at the Wright Brothers. They invented flight, and then zilch.

Uh, operator, what number do you dial for the correct time?

Oh, thank you. That's very nice of you.

L-I guess I was two minutes slow.

I have one of those watches that's only supposed to lose two minutes every year.

And I guess mine decided to lose it all in one day.

Hello?

[ Man] And so, contestants, the question was...

“What do you thinkyour wife would say is the most obnoxious habit you have?”

- Guy number one? - I'd say, uh, slurping my soup.

Oh, sorry! According to your wife, your most obnoxious habit...

is eating buttered corn and wiping your hands on your pants.

[Contestant] I haven't done that in a long time.

[Woman] Are you kidding? Look at the man's pants!

Aw, come on, honey!

[Pounding]

Uh, Howard, what are you doing?

I didn't know you were home. I'm going out of town. I thought I'd leave a note.

You're hammering tape?

I didn't have a nail.

Come on in, Howard. Where are you going?

It's all in the note here. Here.

Just read that right there.

“Iv.ORD1800.

“Flt. 'I06 AW.

LAX 1930. Ret. Flt. 106 Wed."

Howard, after I read this, am I supposed to swallow it?

Uh, no. That's airline talk for my trip to L.A. and back. I, uh-

What's the matter, Bob? Are you sick or something?

No. No, I just decided to take a couple of days off, you know...

sort of catch up on some important personal things.

What time do you have, Howard?

Uh, 12:22.

You're a minute slow.

Bob, you're out of work, aren't you?

- Of course not. - Oh, come on. Don't kid me.

I was the same way when I was out of work.

Synchronizing your watch, walking around in your bathrobe...

reading the labels ofmayonnaisejars.

Cereal boxes.

Bet you're even listening to the soap operas.

Woman On TV] My husband thinks the funniest part of my body is-

- [TVOfi'] - Worse yet-

Game shows.

Howard, I wanted to hear what that lady said.

Game Show Host] Come on, lady. You can't say that on television!

Darn it.

Bob, are you sure you're not out of work?

Howard, it's just a lull.

In your profession? I mean, I can't believe that.

I mean, this is the golden age of craziness.

Howard, I guess Vvejust, you know, lost my ability to communicate with people.

Yeah, well, I don't understand what you're saying.

Just remember, Bob- the most important thing is...

not to lose your confidence.

When I do, I always remember these words-

“Even if you stink at what you do...

you can always do something else you stink less at.“

Those are certainly words to live by, Howard.

Those were my cousin's words.

He had 15jobs before he decided to be a tree surgeon.

- And now he's happy? - No, he's dead.

He, urn, fell out of one of his patients.

Thanks for coming down, Frank. I know you're busy, and I appreciate it.

Ah, no problem. Always glad to help a fellow psychologist in need. What's going on?

Uh, nothing. That's the- That's the problem.

My practice seems to be dwindling.

Hmm. You mean you're down to, like,10,15 patients a day, huh?

Well, let's just say it's been dwindling.

You know, I don't know if it's a series of coincidences or just a temporary lull.

I mean,you know, look at the Wright Brothers.

- Or it could be you. - Or it could be me.

Well, that happens. You know, I talk about that in my book.

Have you read my book, Fires of the Mind?

Uh, I meant to, but the bookstores are always sold out.

Well, wait till it gets off the best-seller list.

Should only be a couple more months. It's brilliant.

Just quoting the critics.

Well, I'm sure it's very good.

No, it's brilliant.

I think the best way for me to help you is to observe you with a patient.

Well, I thinkl can scrounge one up somewhere.

I have a patient coming in in a few minutes- ifl'm not taking up your time.

- I'll take the time. - Now, Frank, I-l want to payyou for this.

- Oh, come on, Bob. That's not necessary. - Frank, I-l insist.

- I want to pay you whatever you get per hour. - Okay, if it'll make you happy.

- I mean, what can it be- $35? - [ Laughs]

Forty-five dollars?

Fif- Fifty-five dollars?

Forget about it. just take me out to dinner sometime.

Wh-Where, Paris?

[Intercom Buzzing

- Yes, Carol? - Your patient's here, Bob.

Oh, uh, thank you. Send him in.

- Frank,just give me a minute to tell him you'll be observing. - Fine.

Just let me know when you're ready.

Hi. How are you?

What's the matter with him?

Why'd he say that? Who is he?

Uh, he's a friend of mine, and he's a psychologist.

And if it's okay for you, I'd like to let him sit in on our session.

What is this? Gang therapy?

No. A lot of psychologists do this.

It- We kind of help each other out.

While you're helping each other out, who helps me?

Well, we both do, if you'll let us.

- What do I have to do? -just proceed normally.

If I could proceed normally, I wouldn't have to be here.

Mr. Carlin, would it be all right if he came in?

- I don't care. I got nothing to hide. - Great.

Just don't call me by my real name.

Uh, this is Dr. Frank Walburn.

- I'm Dick Smith. - Hi.

Okay, let's start the session. just pretend I'm not even here.

What's, uh- What's happening?

His time is very valuable- if you wouldn't mind waiting.

Okay, I'll wait.

What about this girl you're interested in?

Amy Hams?

I finally got the nerve to ask her out...

and she wanted to go see Earthquake- you know, the movie?

We wanted to go before dinner because the seats shake.

So I went early and waited in line, and by the time I got up to the box office...

there was only one ticket left...

sol gave it to Amy.

And, uh, she came out after midnight with another guy.

She told me she was going to his house to look at his Richter scale.

Can you believe that?

Well, I suppose it is possible...

that they're building Richter scales for home use.

- [Intercom Buzzing] - Excuse me.

Yes, Carol. Uh, Frank, it's for you. It's your secretary.

Thank you, Bob.

Yes, Midge, How many patients are there?

Oh. Tell Winthrop to go into my office...

hold two of them in the waiting room, send the other five down to the coffee shop.

Thanks. Midge, you're a peach.

Sorry, Bob. I gotta go. Look, your problem is very simple.

She'sjust making a cheap bid for attention. She's not good enough for you.

I'll fix you up with my secretary.

She'll make you forget all about Amy Herbst and any other woman you ever met.

You're a winner, Smith.

You deserve the very best. See you later.

Dr. Walburn? Do you have a card?

Yeah. Sure.

Talk to you tomorrow, Bob.

L, uh-[ Nervous Chuckle] I collect cards.

I know why you took the card, and I understand, Mr. Carlin.

Smith.

Bob. Aren't you coming to bed?

Oh, I'll be in soon.

Don Rickles is substituting forjohnny Carson on The Tonight Show.

- Again? - Yeah. He's interviewing Sir Laurence Olivier.

What could they possibly talk about?

Nothing. Ricklesjust keeps calling him a hockey puck.

You finish the crossword puzzle?

I didn't feel like doing all of it. I just did the “down“ words.

- Mmm. - I'm reading the want ads now.

Did you know you could double your income by learning meat cutting by mail?

That's assuming you have an income.

Bob,just 'cause you lost a few patients doesn't mean you lost your practice.

I know, Emily, but, I mean, I have to be honest.

I've lost a little of my confidence.

- Well, you're not gonna find it in the want ads. - Well, you never know.

I might find something in my own field, you know, like, uh, research.

I mean, watching rats run through a maze and ring a little bell.

Don't need a lot of confidence for that.

I guess they do.

You want some milk, honey?

No, I think I'll just put on a torn undershirt and open a can of beer.

Bob, has it ever occurred to you that you could use some help?

I don't have enough to keep Carol busy now.

I mean professional guidance, counseling.

I mean, maybe you should take Frank Walburn's advice and get into one of his groups.

I can't afford his rates.

All right. Then learn meat cutting by mail.

But, uh, don't expect me to go down to the post office to pick up a hindquarter.

Emily, they don't do it like that.

They just send you steaks and chops, you know...

that you can slide through the mail slot.

Bob, really, why don't you go into a group?

- I'm not sure I could take that now. - You've been in groups before.

I mean, you couldn't have gotten your degree unless you'd been in therapy.

Yeah, but that was during the '50s.

I mean, nobody had any problems in the '50s.

I mean, you never had to worry what Ike was gonna do.

Bob, if you're not gonna do something to helpyourself...

at least let me try and make you feel better.

That's very nice of you, but I'm too tired, Emily.

No, no, Bob. Come here. Bob. Sit down.

You know, when I was a little girl and I felt bad...

my father used to sit down next to me, and he used to put his arm around me...

and he used to sing to me, and I always felt better, you know?

♪ Around her neck ♪

♪ She wore a yellow ribbon ♪

♪ She wore it in the springtime ♪

♪ In the merry month of May Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪♪

- Well, come on, Bob. - Come on what? What do you want me to do?

I want you tojoin me. Sing the “hey, hey, heys“ with me.

I don't want to sing the “hey, hey, heys.“

Come on, Bob. That's the fun. Are you ready?

- Yeah. - All right.

♪ She wore it in the springtime ♪

- ♪ In the merry of May, hey, hey, hey, hey ♪♪ - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Waita minute!

What's the matter? ls the key too low?

No, I'm gonna call FrankWalburn.

I think I'll make an appointment for you too.

- Either of you fellas like some coffee? - No, thank you.

I don't believe I've seen you fellas in group before.

I'm Congressmanjerome Shetland, 30th Congressional District.

Uh, Wayne Hilton, linebacker...

last place Chicago Bears.

No wonder you're in therapy.

Just kidding. Love those Bears.

Hijerome Shetland, 30th Congressional District.

I'm, uh- I'm Bob Hartley, 26th Congressional District.

Thanks, Midge, and thanks for last night.

Oh, my pleasure, Mr. Smith.

- Smitty. - Smitty.

Would anyone like some wine? We have some Cold Duck chilling.

- I'd like a glass of Duck. - Okay, Smitty.

- Jerome Shetland, 30th Congressional District. - Dick Smith.

Uh, is this an office or is this an office?

Sure is, Dick.

Bet you feel kind of funny being down here in the pits with the rest of us.

I really wouldn't refer to therapy as the pits.

Hi. Welcome to the pits.

Hi, Bob. Well, let's get started. Okay, who's up?

- I am.jerome Shetland, 30th Congressional District. - Come on. Can it,jerry.

You're here to get help, not votes.

- How's everything at home? Your kids still hate you? - Two of them do.

The other three like me very much.

That's three out of five- a sizable majority.

Maybe if you spent more time with the kids instead of out hustling votes...

you might get four out of five.

Gee, Frank, don't you think that's a little strong? I mean-

- Hey, Bob. You wanna back off? - l-l'm sorry.

It's just a habit, a kind of conditioned reflex, I guess.

He used to be a shrink.

Excuse me.

Cold Duck for Smitty.

Right on.

Thank you, Midge.

That's it, Midge. No tips.

Oh, right. I keep forgetting.

Okay. Where were we? Who was up?

I think the gentleman from the 26th District.

- Well, let somebody else be up. - No. Let's talk about you.

A shrink getting shrunk. Now, ain't that somethin'?

You're telling me?

I knew this man when he was at the top of the business. Now? Quicksand.

It isn't quite that bad, Smitty.

- Fvejust lost a little confidence. - I know what you mean.

'Cause if there's one thing a linebacker needs, it's confidence!

I think I lost mine too.

- Are you with the Chicago Bears? - Yeah.

Your lack of confidence lost me 3O bucks last Sunday.

I used to love to go out there and bust heads and clothesline those guys.

I can't remember the last time I put somebody in the hospital.

- It's just no fun anymore, huh? - Exactly.

If you don't like what you're doing, what are you doing it for?

A hundred thousand dollars a year.

- Reason enough. - Oh, I'm not sure it is.

- If you don't like it, why don't you get out? - [ Wa/burn] Out of/ine, Bob.

This man is conquering his phobias by confronting them.

That's right. I am conquering my phobias by confronting them.

Those are Dr. Walburn's words, but how do you feel?

Man, I don't know a phobia from a face mask.

I mean, all I know is, after the game is over, I get sick to my stomach.

If you can't stand the house, get out of the apartment.

- What the hell does that mean? - I don't know. Maybe it's the Cold Duck talking.

I think I know what he means.

You should try to get in touch with your true feelings.

If you're not a violent man, then don't be in a violent profession.

- But all I know is football. - Well, there are plenty of other opportunities.

I mean,you could learn meat cutting by mail.

Well, I don't know about that, but I always wanted my own flower shop.

Well, look into it. You may have a green thumb.

I don't think so.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. This is Frank's group.

I'd like to talk a lot more to you. I hope you'll be coming back next week.

That's really very nice. You give a person a feeling of confidence.

Looks like you're coming out of it, Bob.

Aren't you glad you recognized you were only succumbing...

to an abnormal temporary stress stimuli?

Who wouldn't be glad?

Excuse me, Dr. Walburn, but your agent's outside.

He has to talk to you about the movie rights for your book.

They wanna make a movie out of my book, Fires of the Mina'.

Yeah, but they wanna change the title to Blazing Brains.

- What would you let them do that for? - Quarter of a million dollars.

Reason enough.

Well, it looks like this is gonna take a little while, so, Bob, why don't you take over?

Oh, I, uh- I don't think I could.

Uh, I will. If it's all right with everybody.

Well, it's okay by me. How 'bout you, Smitty?

- Smitty? - Huh? Oh, yeah. That's okay.

- Shetland? - Oh, I go along with the majority.

Great.

See you later.

B/azingBra/n; huh?I like it.

Well, now, my technique is a little different from Dr. Walburn's...

but, basically, I believe in total honesty.

So before we proceed, there's an announcement I feel I have to make.

This man is an impostor.

- Hi, honey. I'm home. - Hi, dear. How was your day?

Are you kidding? I had Mr. Peterson at 9:00.

All of a sudden, Mr. Plager walks in. I had to take care of him.

By the time I get that straightened out, it was 10:30.

I had to push both groups back an hour, which meant I had to cancel lunch withjerry.

Sol finally ended up having, uh, peanut butter crackers.

- Bob, all I said was, “How was your day?“ - Oh.

Fantastic.

[ Mews]