Original subtitles

The party dress my mom made for my sister, Bernice...

had three more petticoats than mine did.

- Mm-hmm. - Now, wait a minute.

Make that four more petticoats.

Four more petticoats.

And I was as mad...

as a snake that married the garden hose.

[Clears Throat] Now, when did this party dress thing happen?

Well, it was 66 years...

the 14th ofjune...

late in the morning.

Are you sure your mother always favored Bernice?

Are you kidding? She still does.

It's a classic case of sibling rivalry.

At your age, an important thing is to think about...

how to live a more fully rewarding life.

I know, but I don't wanna live it all screwed up.

Well, I'm, uh- I'm afraid our time is up.

We'll talk more about this next time.

Well, I do think we've made some kind of a breakthrough...

because I sure feel drained.

Yeah, me- me too.

[Elevator Dings]

Hold that elevator, will ya, kid?

I'll, uh- I'll get it, Mrs. Loomis.

We'll see you next week, this same time.

Right. And thank you so much...

for helping me get my act together.

Bob, do you want me to call Mrs. Loomis a cab?

Uh, no, it won't be necessary. She, uh-

- She rode her bike. - [ Rings]

Dr. Hartley. Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.

Surejusta minute. Uh, Mr. Carlin...

wants to buy a shag rug, but he's afraid.

Afraid of what?

That it might cover his eyes.

Oh, that- that kind of rug.

I'll talk to him.

- Hey, hLJer. - Hi, Carol.

- How was lunch? - Worst lunch I ever had.

Jerry, I thought you left here with a terrific-looking lady.

That was no lady. That was my stockbroker.

[Chuckles] She told me I was practically wiped out...

then she made me pick up the lunch check.

Oh,jer, that's awful.

Look at this. Eight and a half. You know what I paid for it?

Forty! Liberty Flush Valve.

America's gotta have flush valves.

I would think so.

Now more than ever.

I'm going to my office. Tell, uh, Bob I want to see him, will ya?

SureJer. Oh, listen...

I'm really sorry that Liberty Flush Valve went down the tubes.

Funny, Carol. Really funny.

Oh, come on. Hey,jer, I didn't mean it that way.

But it is kinda funny.

Oh, listen, Bob, jerry wants to see you right away.

Uh, the bottom, as it were, dropped out of his stocks...

- and he's real depressed. - Oh.

Oh, uh, remind me. I have to meet Mr. Carlin...

at 3:00 at Mr. Hairpiece.

We're gonna look at swatches.

- [Knocking] - Come in.

-j-jerry, you all right? - Lend me 1,200 bucks.

Uh, things are that bad, huh?

I gotta buy a motorcycle.

Jerry, you not only have depression...

you've taken leave of your senses.

No, I haven't, Bob. I need a motorcycle to make me happy.

I mean, I need a big, expensive toy. Something I really can't afford...

and somethin' that, uh, I don't really need.

Well, buy two of them. Be twice as happy.

Here it is, Bob. Take a look at that baby.

Miss November. Victoriajugman.

No. No. It's what Victoria's sitting on.

Oh, it's a- It's a real nice motorcyclejer, but-

-I mean, $1,200- - No, we better make it 13.

You know, tax, license, helmet, gloves, a scarf.

You- You gonna let me have the dough?

GeeJerry, you should have caught me before lunch.

- I'm serious, Bob. - I know you are, and I am too.

UhJerry, don't they- don't they finance those things?

[Laughs] Sure. If you're gonna pay 15, 2O percent.

I'm no patsy, Bob. Besides, I like the feeling you get...

when you walk into a place and slap the money right down on the table.

N-No matter whose money it is.

I get it. You're worried about your money.

Well, it is $1,300,jerry.

1,400, Bob. I'm gonna get competition tires.

Why not shoot the works?

And you can use it whenever you want, Bob. You're gonna have a ball.

You know, you just twist the accelerator, and let 'er rip.

Vrrrr! There you are...

roaring down the Dan Ryan Expressway, Bob...

the wind whistling through your helmet...

your tattoo blazing in the sunlight...

your old lady hanging on behind you for clear life.

- Bob, can you see it? -j-jerry...

all I can see is bugs bouncing off my teeth.

Okay, you don't have to ride it, but, uh...

-you gonna lend me the money? - Well, I don't knowJerry.

Just, uh, give me overnight to, you know, think about it.

Oh,yeah. I'm beginning to understand now.

L-lt's a lot of money, and, uh...

you have to get, uh, permission, huh? [Chuckles]

- You mean- You mean, from Emily? - Yeah.

No, it's-it's my decisiomjerry. I can do whatever I want.

Sure you can. Sure. Look, uh-

Why don't you just, uh...

take this picture along, show the bike, you know, to Emily.

Well, maybe I'll take the picture along. I mean, it's still-

it's still my decision. Uh, I'll just, uh-

I'll just take the bike partjerry...

and why don't you hold on to Victoriajugman?

Right.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, Bob.

You'rejust in time for crepes chicken marengo.

Really?

You know, I was smiling coming home, just thinking to myself...

“How long has it been since we've had crepes chicken marengo?“

Bob, we've never had crepes chicken marengo.

- Maybe that's why I was smiling. - [Laughs]

What's the, uh- the yellow glop?

That's the marengo.

- Well, where's the chicken? - No, there's no chicken.

You see, this recipe calls for chicken soup.

Looks to me like it's screaming for chicken.

Bob, this is a budget recipe.

How much could a chicken cost? A buck and a half?

You couldn't dance with a chicken for a buck and a half.

Bob, everything is so expensive. lfwe're gonna redecorate...

we've gotta start cutting corners somewhere.

Uh, Emily, how much do we have in the savings account?

Uh, we've got an armchair, uh, three quarters of a sofa and a halfa hutch. Why?

Uh, I was thinking about lendingjerry$1,400.

- What? - For a- a motorcycle.

$1,400?

Well, that includes tax, license and scarf.

You think it's, uh, stupid, don't you?

Well, BobJerry is your friend, and it's your decision.

That's, uh- That's what I told him.

It doesn't matter that it's the dumbest thing I ever heard. You do what you want.

Well, it isn't a- It isn't a bad-looking motorcycle.

It isn't a bad-looking thigh. Whose is it?

- Ido/ft/mow - Look, Bob, it's entirely up to you.

I mean, I know your feelings forjerry, and friendship is more important than money, so-

I mean, I don't care whether you loan him the money or not.

- I'm not gonna do it. - Oh, thank God!

You know why? I mean, loaning money to a friend...

is the surest way to break up a friendship.

It happened to me when I was a kid with my best friend, Frankie Hassinger.

I mean, everything starts off great, you know...

and then the one who borrows the money starts to resent the guy he borrowed it from...

- and before you know it, they're enemies. - Well, makes sense to me.

You know, it's- it's been years since I thought about Frankie Hassinger.

I don't even remember...

how much money I borrowed from him.

And let me know when the mail comes.

I'm expecting my copy Of Psychology Today today.

No, Bob. You get your Psychology Today tomorrow.

You get your Tomorrow? Health today.

Andjerry wants to see you.

Oh, yeah. We have to talk about something privately. Have him come in, will you?

Are you going to?

- Am I going to what? - Spring for the 14 big ones?

You, uh- You know about the motorcycle?

Unjerryjust mentioned it in passing.

He only mentioned it in his office.

Yeah. And I happened to be passing.

I'm leaving.

Morning, Bob.

Well, what do you say? I'll take cash, check or money order.

UhJerry, why don't we talk about this privately?

- Me? - Yeah.

Oh, uh, certainly. I'll be outside if you need me.

I know. Passing.

- What do you think of the helmet? - Dynamite.

Well, Bob, are you gonna, you know, give me the money?

Well, uh,jerry, first of all, I wanna tell you, I'm, uh-

I'm only doing this because I, uh- lvalue our friendship.

- Yeah. - It isn't the 1,400-

$1,500, Bob. See, I went to the top of the line on the helmet.

This is the real thing. It's a polyester resin shell...

and expended polyurethane foam lining.

- Go ahead. Try it on. - No.

Come on, Bob. Get in the spirit.

Jerry, I don't want to talk to you with the helmet.

Bob, you're gonna be part owner of this helmet. At least try it on.

Hey, you look fantastic!

- N-No, I don't. - No, you really do, Bob.

You're a natural. Here, see for yourself.

- I look silly,jerry. - You don't, Bob-

You know, I never realized this before. You look a lot like Steve McQueen.

How about it, Bob? You gonna let me have the dough?

You know,jerry, when friends lend money to friends...

it always seems to turn out-

Bob,just a simple “yes“ or “no?

No.

Uhz/T/er/Jé"

I have a reason why I came to this decision.

I had this friend, Frankie Hassinger.

Jerry, in the long run, I'm doing you a favor.

Frankie Hassinger never understood either.

Hi, Mr. Berry. Oh, Bob.

Bob, this is Mr, Berry, your new patient.

Uh, Mr. Berry, this is Dr. Hartley.

I mean, I- I just can't get over the wayjerry acted.

He was sulking around, pouting like a spoiled brat.

Ew-

What is this? I'm not gonna eat this.

Bob, you love bread pudding.

This isn't bread pudding. It's dark brown.

I just decided to make it with pumpernickel this time.

It didn't turn out too good. Here, taste it.

I don't like bread pudding. I just make it 'cause you do.

I appreciate it.

Hey, Bob. You wanna hear some good news?

Jerrys gonna straighten little Howie's teeth absolutely free.

Oh, really? Uh, there aren't any strings attached, are there?

I don't think so.just the regular wires and rubber bands.

Howard, uh,you didn't agree to lendjerry...

$1,500 for a motorcycle, did you?

1,600.

- Talk about inflation. - Yeah, but that includes leather saddlebags.

And I get to drive the motorcycle as much as I want until the loan is paid off.

- Doesn't that sound great? - Have you givenjerry the money already?

- Uh-huh. - Then it sounds great.

It's a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Just like buying the Brooklyn Bridge, huh?

Yeah, but the guy that bought the Brooklyn Bridge...

isn't getting his teeth fixed.

When is, uh,jerry gonna pay you the money back?

Oh, its gonna work out great. He's gonna pay me a $100 every month.

Yeah, if he can come up with it.

You know the deal? It must be standard.

Well, I hope it works out.

Yeah, it's gonna be great.

I can't wait to twist the accelerator and let 'er rip. You know?

[imitating Revving ] Therei am, roaring down the Dan Ryan Expressway...

wind whistling through my tattoo.

Your old lady behind you, hanging on for clear life?

That's exactly the feeling. You know, huh?

I've been there, pal.

And I'm his old lady.

Well, I gotta meetjerry in the showroom.

Well, I hope it doesn't backfire, Howard.

Well, ifit does, we'll take it right to the service department.

I don't know how long it's gonna take...

but I guarantee you, something's gonna hit the fan.

At least you and your old lady won't be involved.

No, maybe you won't. But Howard andjerry are my best friends, and I'm a psychologist.

When they start wanting to kill each other, who is gonna wind up in the middle?

Robert Hartley, Ph.D.

Well, I'll just, uh...

find two new friends and a new line of work.

The bread pudding business looks wide open.

All my life, I've let this sister of mine get away with everything.

Well, not anymore.

Mrs. Loomis, when did you first learn...

that you and your sister were interested in the same man?

Well, it was, um...

last Sunday, a week, when I brought Larry home to meet Mother.

Bernice was all over him...

likea crow on ajune bug.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up.

Are you sure that Bernice just wasn't being friendly to Larry?

Friendly? She was promising things she couldn't deliver.

[Clears Throat]

I Typing]

Mrs. Loomis, I think we're making real progress.

I'll say so. This is only our third session...

and we're already dealing with the basic urges.

Oh, wow!

That's what I call a chopper!

Oh» yippee!

Well, Carol, here it is. Take a look at it.

Jerry, really, you could have brought a snapshot.

I'm not gonna leave this beauty down on the street. I don't want it ripped off.

Besides, a very good friend of mine put out a lot money for this.

Well, it's certainly one of the best-looking choppers we've ever had on this floor.

Yep, she's really a beaut. She's fast, reliable.

And she's always there when you need it.

Better than some people I know.

You know, Carol, a thoughtjust struck me.

Only a fool would endanger a friendship by getting mad at a friend...

because that friend had sense enough not to loan money to a friend.

I'll bet you can't say that three times fast.

Carol, the thoughtjust struck me that the excuse of not loaning money to a friend...

is one of the oldest excuses for hiding cheapness.

So we have a fool and a tightwad.

Do I hear it for ajerk and skinflint?

Well, if certain people are willing to listen to reason...

I'm willing to talk.

Certain people can always talk. Talk is cheap.

- Well, I've said all I have to say. - Heard all I have to hear.

Ten-four, kids.

- Hi, Carol. - Hi, Howard.

And I'm not too thrilled with the patronizing attitude...

of a certain receptionist either.

All she did was say hello to me.

- Hi, Howard. Come on in. - Oh, I can't.

I'm having lunch withjer. We're gonna talk cycles.

You know, it's kind of a kickoff luncheon for our new friendship.

- I'll catch you some other time. - Sure.

- When you're not too busy. - Maybe next month.

- Uh, about little Howie's appointment. I thought- - Please, Howard.

Jerry saidjust bring Howie in. Whatever he's doing, he'll drop it.

No appointments necessary.

What a great guy! I never had a friend like that before.

We were friends.

Oh, we still are, Bob, or I wouldn't askyou the question I'm about to askyou.

When I have this motorcycle overnight...

I wonder if I could chain it toyour car?

- Why can't you chain it to your car? - My car's too small.

If they took my motorcycle, they'd steal my car.

If it was chained to your car, they would just, uh, tear off your bumper.

Sounds like a good deal to me.

Howard, I didn't wanna have anything to do with the motorcycle.

That's why I didn't lendjerry the money in the first place.

Yeah, but if I wanted to buy a motorcycle, you'd lend me the money.

Absolutely not.

Boy, it takes something like this...

to find out who your friends really are.

- It sure does. - Oh, yeah? Well,just forget it.

I'll chain my motorcycle to somebody else!

Gee, that's too bad. I was looking forward to losing my bumper.

- Can you believe those guys? There's no winning with them. - I know.

- Oh, Bob. Can I askyou something? - What?

Could I borrow $3,000 till payday?

[Crowd Cheering On TV]

- Are you bored, Bob? - No, Emily.

You know I like to watch sports on television.

Even Celebrity Soccer?

Yeah. I never knew the Three Stooges were that coordinated.

Nice kick, Moe.

How come you didn't want to go to the basketball game?

'Cause my seat's right next tojerrys.

Well, maybejerry isn't going.

Oh, I'm sure he's there. I'm sure Howard's there.

They've become such close friends, they're probably sitting in the same seat.

Well,you know, I'm glad you didn't lendjerry the money.

I mean, pretty soon, we'll be able to redecorate.

Yeah, we won't have any friends to show it to though.

- They all think I'm a cheapskate. - Honey, I have an idea.

Why don't we go out to dinner? I thinkyou'll feel better.

You think I'll feel better 'cause I'll be able to loosen my purse strings, right?

Oh, honey, don't snap at me. I'm your friend.

Yeah, you're right. I can't afford to lose any more friends.

- Have you got your wallet? - Yeah, I got it.

All I have to do is dust off the cobwebs.

[Vehicle Approaching

Hi, Howard. Sorry I'm late.

Just three hours. I'm having fun down here.

You know what I found out about this place?

- See where it says 6'6“ clearance? - Yeah.

Well, actually it's 6'5“.

I measured it 67 times with my comb.

Look, I said I was sorry.

That's okay. That's okay. How was the race?

- I got buried. - Yeah.

It sure looks like it.

Look, when you get a chance, ride it through a car wash, will ya?

- Yeah. - And, uh, be careful going into fourth.

I think I bent the linkage on the 80th lap.

- Sure. Sure. - Look, here's the schedule for the rest of the month.

You get half the days, I get the other half.

- How come my days are during the week? - They are not.

Here, you got a Saturday, uh, there. Right over there. A Saturday morning.

And next month, you get all the weekends.

Yeah, but next month I'm gonna be in Paris.

C'est/a vie. [Chuckles] I gotta be going.

- Hold it! Hold it! Whoa. Whoa. - What?

- The helmet. - Oh, yeah. You know, I've been thinking, Howard.

You oughta get your own helmet.

Yeah, but the helmet was part of the deal.

It was, but I don't wearyour socks.

Besides, you can afford it.

Not if you don't pay me my money, I can't.

Oh, boy. I was waitin' for that.

Here it is. Here's your check.

Now I owe you $1,500.

- What's that $85? - $85.

I thought it was supposed to be $100.

Well, it's $15 off for your half...

of the monthly installment on the insurance.

- We're paying $30 a month for insurance? - Howard...

if you're gonna race a motorcycle, you gotta insure it to the hilt.

- Yeah, but I don't race. - I can't help it if you're chicken.

Now, will you give me a ride home?

Whoa! Wait a minute. You're not getting in my car looking like that.

- Huh? - Here. Here's a quarter. Take a bus.

Now you owe me $1,500.25!

You know, if we weren't such good friends, I'd wrap those handlebars around your neck.

Yeah, well, they're not your handlebars. They're my handlebars.

- This motorcycle is officially repossessed. - Oh, yeah?

How'd you like it if I repossessed your son's retainers?

- He could wind up like Dracula. - I'm gonna take my son to your office...

and have him take a bite out of your throat.

- Hi,fellas. - Hi. Hi.

Yeah, we were just pretending...

what it would be like if we were angry at each other.

If things weren't going as well as they're going.

Yeah.just telling vampirejokes.

Well, we, uh- we'd better get to dinner.

Uh, there seems to be a motorcycle blocking our car.

Yeah. I don't know who owns the motorcycle today...

- but whoever it is, would you mind moving it? - Yeah. Yeah.

No, I got it.

Uh, why don't I take you two to dinner? I'm buying.

If the check doesn't bounce!

How'd you like it if I bounced it off your head?

I guess you're pretending to be angry again, right?

- [jar/y] That'; right. - Well, it's very convincing.

- Yeah, well, I'm not pretending. - It he's not, I'm not.

- Uh-huh. - I suppose you're gonna say “I told you so,“ huh?

Oh, no, no. Bob's not the kind of guy who would say something like that.

Yes, I am.

I'll say it again. I told you so.

You know, when start putting a price tag on friendship...

you find out your friendships aren't worth a nickel.

That's beautiful, Bob. Did you just think of that?

No, Frankie Hassinger said it to mejust before he...

bit me in the neck.

[Honks]

Good morning, Carol. Who's my first appointment?

Mrs. Loomis, Bob. She's in your office.

Oh, fine.

Good morning.

I thought you said she was in the office.

She was.

Which one of you is Dr. Hartley?

Uh, Mrs. Loomis, don't- don't you remember me?

I am not Mrs. Loomis.

I'm Bernice, her sister.

Oh, you're, uh- y-you're twins.

That's right. Only she looks a lot older.

She stole my boyfriend.

Now, take it easy, Bernice.

Now, you just take it easy. It's between her and me.

I followed her here, sol know she's got to be... here.

Come out of there, you little tramp!

[ Mews]