Original subtitles

Oh,jerry, here's a darling wallpaper for your office.

Look, Candy Cane Lane.

Carol, I'm an orthodontist. I can't put all that sugar up on my wall.

I'd be a hypocrite.

Here, here, now. This is more like it.

- This would be perfect. - Elephants On Parade?

- Well, sure. Elephants never forget, right? - Mm-hmm.

So what will the kids think of when they see this up in my office?

To brush their tusks? [Laughs]

- [E/e vator Ding; ] - Hi, Carol. HLJer.

- Oh, hi, Howard. - Hey, hi, Howard. Uh, Howard, what do you think?

What do I think? Uh, I think it would make a nice-looking shirt...

but it's a little busy for a suit.

No, I meant for my office.

Oh, well, you can wear anything you want in your office.

Well, what's up, Howard?

Well, I was in the area doing some shopping for the party tonight...

and I thought I'd drop in and see Bob.

The, uh, party?

Oh, I didn't invite you two.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - It's okay, Howard. We'll be there.

- What time? - 8:30. It's right across the hall from Bob.

- Right. Is it a B.Y.O.B.? - No, it's casual.

Oh, if you guys have any extra booze, bring it, okay?

Bob, I gotta talk to you. No one will burst in, will they?

No. Nobody around here would be that rude, Howard.

Bob, I gotta talk to you about the party tonight.

Um, I did tell you about the party.

Yeah, you even sent me a map, Howard.

Oh,yeah. Bob, I'm in trouble. I mean, real trouble.

I invited a pilot, and he's bringingjennifer.

- Jennifer. - Yeah,jennifer's a stewardess I used to date.

And if Ellen finds out, I'm lost.

- Howard, I don't know anything about her. - I'll tell ya.

I spent a night with her.

Well, one night. So what?

Yeah, it lasted three weeks. It was in Alaska.

Howard, look, don't worry about it.

I mean, you're being silly. It's in the past.

Yeah. Easy for you to say. You're not in my shoes.

Come on, Howard. I mean, you aren't the only one that had an old girlfriend.

I remember there was this one girl-

- Gloria Webster. - How- How'd you know that?

Oh, I forgot to tell you. Ellen's picking her up at the airport.

- She told me to tell you. - Suddenly I'm in your shoes, Howard.

Tight, aren't they?

Ellen and Gloria were in the antique business together.

And I almost married Gloria. As a matter of fact...

the week before I married Emily, I broke up with Gloria.

- You did? - Yeah, not that it matters.

Yeah.

It would be silly to worry about something that's, uh, already in the past.

Uh, Howard, it- it- See, it might matter to Emily...

so you could do me a favor and just, you know, not say anything about it.

[Chuckles] Sure, Bob.

[Laughs]

Why are you smiling, Howard?

Well, it's just nice to have something on you for a change.

- That sounds like blackmail. - Oh, no, no, it's not, Bob.

You just better be nice to me for the rest of your life.

A)' [jazz]

Excuse me. Macadamia nuts?

- Oh, thank you, Howard. - Can I freshen up your drink?

- Yeah, thank you. - Scotch, right?

- Right. - Have a double.

[Chuckles]

- Great party, Howard. - Oh, thanks, Ralph. Thank you.

Oh, see, now there's a pilot I'd fly with.

I'd feel safe with him behind the controls.

I wouldn't. He's with Airport Rent-A-Car.

Howard, who's that girl over there?

You mean the gorgeous one, with the sultry eyes and the long legs that never seem to end?

- Yeah, that's the one. - Oh.

Well, I don't know her. She must be a party crasher. I'll kick her out.

Old girlfriend of Howard's, right? And he doesn't want Ellen to find out?

- Maybe. - Where is Ellen anyhow?

- She went to pick someone up at the airport. - Oh? Who?

- [ Mumbles Name] - Who?

Gloria Webster. She was in the antique business with Ellen in Cleveland.

Oh, well, maybe Gloria was late.

I've never known her to be late.

I mean, all the years that they were in business together...

they always opened the store promptly.

Uh, pardon me. Jennifer, would you do something for me?

Forget it, Howard. I'm a senior stewardess now.

- [ Phone Ringing] - Oh, well, forget that.

My fiancée is coming over here in a few minutes...

and I wonder if you'd do a favor for me.

- What? - Get out of here and never come back.

Attention, please. This is your captain speaking.

Backup crew, Flight 806 to St. Louis.

We need a navigator and one stewardess. Let's check who's up.

- That's me. - Oh, no.

- Oh, it looks like me too. - Oh, no.

Okay, you got 'em. Navigator is Borden. Stew is Evans.

Right. Together again.

Here I go again.

I mean, how many times do I have to move my tail for them?

Howard, I mean, you have to leave your own party?

Yeah, I'm afraid so. Tell Ellen I'm sorry.

I mean, that I'm really sorry.

Come on, Howard. We can reminisce on the way to the airport.

Reminisce? Whoa! Reminisce about what?

Make sure that Ellen knows I don't know what she's talking about.

Tell her yourself. You'll probably run into her in the elevator.

Yeah. Oh! Wait a minute. Let's take the fire escape.

- Why? - Why? Uh, because it's closer to the airport.

Well, I guess we're the hosts now, huh?

What a lucky break.

Hi. Macadamia nuts?

No, thanks. Party's over. Jennifer left. See ya.

Wait up, will ya? I'm gonna pack it on in too.

[Grunts] Come on, Carol. I'll give you a ride.

- Mm, might as well. - Boy, what a bunch of phonies, huh?

Mm,yeah.

Hi, stranger. Macadamia nuts?

No, I'm trying to quit.

Hey, this is the night of the party, isn't it?

Yeah, itwas a real humdinger.

Yeah, Howard had to fill in for a navigator on a flight to St. Louis.

Oh, well, those things happen.

- Where's Gloria? - Oh, well, she never came in.

She tried to phone me at home, but I had already left for the airport.

- Oh, that's too bad. - [Chuckles] Yeah.

I'm really amazed that he told you about her.

But leave it to a psychologist to tell his wife about his old girlfriend.

- You want a drink? - What? Oh, no, thanks.

- Uh, old girlfriend? - How about some stuffed mushrooms?

Old girlfriend? Whose old girlfriend is she?

- Well- - Uh, both of ours.

Oh, I see.

Well, fine. I'm just sorry I didn't get to meet her.

Or ever hear about her.

Well, it was- it was a long time ago.

- Yeah. How long ago was it? - It was a long time.

She, uh- She lives in Cleveland?

Yeah. Ohio.

I used to date her, you know, once in a while, but it was a long time ago.

That was five years ago.

Well, let's see. We're married five years.

Well, it was... well before that.

Right, Bob.

Gee, Howard sure has done some interesting things to the apartment, hasn't he?

He sure has,yeah.

I think this coffee table's a lot closer to the couch.

Yeah, and of course the walls.

The walls are much closer to the couch too.

In fact, the whole room seems to be closing in.

Oh, well, I'd like one of those stuffed mushrooms.

Well, why don't we all stuff ourselves with some mushrooms?

Stuffed mushroom, Emily?

[Chuckles]

Stuffed mushroom, Ellen?

Hi. Uh, isn't this Borden's place?

Yeah,yeah, it sure is. Come on in. Sit down.

Thanks.

Look, I'm not buttin' in or anything, am I?

Areyou kidding?

We got a party going here.

Why don't you scarf down some of those mushrooms?

- Good morning. - Hi.

I'm gonna clean up Howard's apartment. Would you mind getting your own breakfast?

No. I'm just gonna have coffee. I'm still kinda tired.

Oh, well, I'm not surprised.

I mean,you stayed up until 4:00 in the morning talking to that navigator...

so you wouldn't have to talk to me about- What's her name?

- Uh, Gloria. - Yeah, right.

That isn't true, Emily. I was talking to him...

because I was interested in learning about wind vectors.

Well, it really doesn't matter, Bob...

because I just want you to know, that as far as Gloria is concerned...

- I've decided to forget it. - Well, thanks. I appreciate that.

You know, because I had boyfriends of my own.

Well, I'm sure you did.

You know, I was not totally unattractive...

and my phone number was listed.

- Ah. - And I was serious about one of them.

- I think I told you about Nick Hansen. - Well, it doesn't matter.

- How serious were you about Gloria? - Not serious.

Not unserious, but not- not serious.

- Well, we'll certainly talk about it sometime. - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

- Howard. - Oh. I would have knocked...

but I'm too tired to make a fist.

Howard, you lookjust awful.

Yeah. Thanks, I will.

How long have you been up?

No, thank you. just a cup of coffee, please.

I flew in as fast as I could. I couldn't make a direct connection.

- But at no time was I withjennifer. - Howard, I believe you.

So how was my party?

Oh, great. We learned a lot about wind vectors.

Oh, really?

I wanted to tell you about those when I thought you were ready to hear about them.

Oh, Howard, Ellen told me to tell you she could see you tonight...

because her friend didn't come in from Cleveland.

- What friend? - Gloria Webster.

- You know about her? - Sure. Bob told me all about her.

- Bob told you? - Yeah. Sure.

That blows my cover.

Hi, Howard.

Hi, Bob. I guess you spilled the beans, huh?

- What do you mean by that? - I mean, about you and Gloria.

Oh, that. Sure. But, I mean, there wasn't that much to spill.

You know, that's what I love about your marriage.

No matter how bad things get, I mean, you never hide them.

Oh, Howard, there is nothing bad...

about Bob having gone with another woman.

When he was going with you at the same time?

Bob didn't mention it was at the same time.

Oh, well, he must have lied to me.

L, uh- I gotta get some sleep.

Got a lot of explaining to do, guy. [Whistles]

Door Closes 1

- That true, Bob? - What?

Were you going with Gloria at the same time you were going with me?

Well, not exactly. It was sort of like, you know, changing the guard.

You want to explain that?

Yeah, I guess I'd better. Um-

See, when the new guard comes out, the, uh- the old guard leaves.

And, uh, for a moment or two there, they're kinda both there together, you know?

How's that?

I don't get it.

Well, why don't you think about it.

As long as you want. Take the whole day.

And if you have any questions, and you wanna discuss it...

why, we will.

Oh, I'm gonna wanna talk about it.

Whether I figure it out or not.

Well, I'm going to work.

Yeah, well, I'll be here guarding the castle.

- Fine. - Be careful out there, Bob.

You don't wanna fall in the moat.

Carol, would you type these notes up for me?

Sure, Bob. Mr. Peterson called.

And he said he wouldn't be coming in anymore.

- Oh, really? - Yeah. He said he feels great...

- and completely in control of his own destiny. - Good.

And he asked if it would be okay with you if he grew a mustache.

- I said it would be. - Fine.

Uh, Carol, you're a woman.

Is that a question, Bob?

No, I just wanna askyou something. I need some advice.

Oh, Bob, I'm really flattered. Don't you usually go tojerry for advice?

Yeah, but, I mean, Jerry's not a woman.

Well, let's assume you're right.

What's the question?

Well, if your boyfriend were seeing another woman...

at the same time he was seeing you-

- Mm-hmm. - would you resent it?

Yes.

Of course you'd say that. You're a woman.

♪♪ [ Whistling]

Hi,jel'l'y_ You busy?

- Is that supposed to be funny, Bob? - It was supposed to be, yeah.

Yeah. Well, I'm saving myself a fortune by doing my own wallpapering here.

Besides, you know, I really enjoy it.

- You're real good at it. - Oh, yeah.

Not bad for a first effort, huh?

- What happened to the elephants? - Elephants?

I forgot all about them. You wanna give me a hand here?

You don't need a handJerry. You need an octopus.

What exactly did you want, Bob?

I wanted to talk to you about something.

Oh, sure. Well, sit down.

What's on your mind?

Well, I thinkl have this problem.

When I was dating Emily, you know, just before we got married...

I was also kind of dating this other girl.

Wow. Old Bob in a ménage é trois.

No, it was nothing like thatjerry.

I was just involved with these two girls at the same time.

Bob, I've seen a lot of movies, and that's a menage é trois. [Sinister Laugh]

Well, whateveryou call it. Anyway, I never-

I never got around to telling Emily about Gloria.

- Gloria, huh? - Yeah.

- What did she look like, Bob? - Gloria?

- Yeah. - She was, you know, average looking.

Uh-huh.

Come on, Bob.

She was beautiful, j erry.

I mean, not as beautiful as Emily, you know...

- but pretty beautiful. - Yeah.

If I rated her on a scale of one to 1 O, and Emily was a 1 O...

Gloria would be... a 10.

[Laughs] Sounds like a coin flip to me.

You wanna hold up this paper, Bob, while I get some more paste for it?

- Yeah. -just use two hands if you can.

- Oh, watch it,jerry. - That'll come right out, Bob.

You don't have to worry about it.

Jerry, anyway, it wasn't a coin flip, you know.

I mean, Gloria was a definite second to Emily.

It's just that I had to find a way to ease out of it slowly.

You know, I didn't wanna hurt her too much, you know?

Sure. What did you finally say to her, Bob?

I called her and said I'd have to break the date on Saturday. I was getting married.

Real smooth, Bob. Real smooth.

Poor Gloria, took her almost a month before she got over it...

and married this real rich guy.

How's that paste comingJerry?

Almost ready, Bob.

I really can't understand why Emily is so upset, you know?

I mean, she had old boyfriends. She was no monk.

She dated Nick Hansen.

Yeah, I see what's going on here, Bob.

You see, Emily's setting up a smoke screen so you don't ask her about her lurid past.

- What lurid past? - Hold that up there, will ya?

I mean, how do you know Emily didn't have a lurid past?

Where'd she grow up, in Seattle?

Yeah.

Well, Bob, that's where the fleets dock.

I mean, doesn't it rain all the time? Oh.

- It rains a lotjerry. - Well, I rest my case.

I oughta wash my hands. You got your washroom key there?

Yeah, it's in one of my pockets somewhere.

Jerry, I'm going to lunch. Do you need-

Oh, good. I'm glad you caught the guy who did this.

Well, I was Gloria's best friend, but I know for a fact...

that as soon as Bob met you, he started phasing her out.

Why did it take almost a year to phase her out?

Well,you know him, Emily. He's such a nice guy. He just didn't want to hurt her.

Yeah, that's true. He is nice.

I mean, he's nice to everybody. Even door-to-door salesmen.

Do you know that he has bought six vegetable choppers since we've been married?

Well, you know what they say, you can't have too many vegetable choppers.

No, if you've got six, you've got five too many.

Well, all I know is that Bob's not telling you about Gloria...

was just his way of changing the guard.

Mm. I heard that story before.

The thing that bothers me is why was I the last one to hear it.

Now that you've heard it, how do you feel?

Oh, I don't know. I guess I feel okay about it.

I mean, I'm making Bob's favorite dinner.

And I am willing to forget about the whole thing.

Good. Well, now if you'll excuse me...

I think I'll go have a talk with Howard aboutjennifer.

If he thinks he can keep that story hidden, he's out of his gourd.

- Who's out of his gourd? - Howard.

- Yeah, so? - He can't hide it from me.

I don't think he can hide it from anybody.

Look, Emily, I've been giving it a lot of thought.

Bob, I have a standing rib roast on...

scalloped potatoes, broccoli, a chocolate mousse...

the wine is cooling and welcome home.

Is there a firing squad around here somewhere?

[Laughs] No, no.

I just want you to know that I'm notjealous anymore.

Well, that's the way it should be. I mean, I have nothing to hide.

- My past is an open book. - You're right.

And that's the way it should be.

- Your past, on the other hand- - What about it?

It's not important. I don't have to know.

- Know what? - Seattle.

The rain, the fleet.

Oh, I get it. You're talking about Nelson Bolger.

I am?

Yeah, but he didn't have a fleet. He just had three tuna boats.

- Oh. - And I only went out with him a couple times.

- You mean on runs? - No, on dates.

You didn't go out with him at the same time you were dating me though, did you?

No, no. As a matter of fact, it was the same time that I was dating Nick Hansen.

But they at least knew about each other, 'cause they were partners in the tuna business.

So, it was the three of you.

A ménage a tuna.

[Laughs]

Okay, Bob, I get it. I get your point.

[Chuckles]

What point was that?

Well, you'rejust trying to show me that I was foolish...

for acting jealous about your past.

Oh, that point. Well, that's exactly what I was trying to do.

Yeah, so why don't we just forget it and sit down and have a nice dinner.

Bob, what's that on the back ofyourjacket?

- Wallpaper paste. - Wallpaper paste?

Yeah, I'm seeing a woman who has a fleet of wallpaper stores.

[Laughs]

[Sarcastic Laugh]

You know, that was a wonderful meal, Emily.

Oh, thank you.

I thought the broccoli was a little undercooked though.

Yeah, but the rib roast was a little too well done...

- so it kind of averaged out to a wonderful meal. - Yeah.

You know what I wish?

We were sitting in front of a roaring fire.

Without a fireplace?

I mean, if you really want one that bad, I could build one...

and we'll sit in front of a roaring sofa.

Oh, Bob.

Come on. Help me clear the dishes.

Uh, I have a better idea. Why don't we just forget about the dishes...

and we'll get to bed a little early tonight.

Oh, what a nice thing to say.

- Well, I'm a nice guy. - Yeah, you really are. You know that?

I mean,you are nice to everybody.

[Knocking]

Well, there's one person I'm not going to be nice to.

Well, the new guard is going to go inside...

and change into a more comfortable uniform.

Hello. I am Dennis Budmer.

- Mayl come in? - No.

Oh, but I am selling encyclopedias for children.

Well, why don't you let them sell them for themselves?

[ Mews]