Original subtitles

[ Sighs ] I just didn't like the way the session went today, Dr. Hartley.

Well, Mr. Carlin, you were the one that wanted to play cards.

Yeah.

Maybe next time we should do what you want to do.

- Well, l-l'd like to discuss your problem. - I-l don't want to do that.

- Well, uh, maybe we could take a walk in the park. - What, in the dead of winter?

Well, we could have lunch at a nice warm restaurant.

- I'm not paying you to eat. - All right, then we'll play cards again.

Okay. lfthat's what you want to do.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Merry Christmas, Dr. Hartley. Good morning, Carol, and merry Christmas.

- Uh, do we know you? - Eddie.

I'm your mailman. You know, I deliveryour mail.

Uh, our mail comes up in a bag.

Yeah, but at Christmas, I like to make it more personal.

Uh, I don't, uh, have your gift yet, Eddie.

Well, when you get it, just send it down in the bag.

Hey, is, uh,jerry Richardson still down this hail?

- Uh, Robinson. - Yeah. Right.

Oh, hey,jer, wait up!

Bob, here it is- the worst thing in the world.

- You've, uh, you've been drafted? - No, no.

No, it's from my parents. The plane ticket to Collinsville, Iowa.

Well, you knew it was gonna come, and you knew you were gonna have to go.

Not if you make me work on Christmas.

Well, you want to shovel my walk?

I'd rather do that than sit in that house for four days...

while they pry into my personal life and make me feel guilty for not staying in Collinsville...

to marry Elwood Morrison, the humus king.

- Is, uh, is humus what I think it is? - Yeah.

- And he's king of it? - King of the hill.

Well, Carol, parents always try to interfere in their children's lives.

I mean, l-l'm 45. My mother still calls me sonny.

She doesn't like me to drink or curse or read Mickey Spillane books.

So what you're saying here, Bob, is that parents will be parents.

Yeahjust, uh, go home and smile and let it roll off your back.

Well, I'll sure try. But it's like a trip back to I 932.

No wonder they called it the Depression.

- Carol, chin up. - I'll give it my best shot, Bob. I really will.

Ah, hey, Carol, here's your Christmas present. I got it for you early-

- Uh, merry Christmas. - Sure, for you.

She got her plane ticket, huh, Bob?

Yeah. I guess she's gonna cry all the way to the airport.

By the way, Bob, what are you gonna get Eddie the mailman for Christmas this year?

I thought I'd take all day tomorrow off and think about it,jerry.

Oh, he gave me this by mistake. I think it's for you.

Yeah, that's me all right- occupant.

Well, it's from the, uh, from the Brain Wave School of Psychiatry there.

-[Sighs] - “Hey, guys, now get girls through hypnotism.

“Amazing new book tells how. Not a gimmick.

Written by our two head psychiatrists, Teddy and Steve.“

I think I'll just, uh, throw this away, Jerry, unless you're interested.

No, it's not my style. [Chuckles]

Well, see you later, Bob.

-;;[Whistling] - [ Door Closes ]

“Hey, guys, now get girls through hypnotism.“

- Hi, honey. - 0h, goon'. You got your tuxedo, huh?

You know how much they rent tuxedos for today?

Oh, I don't know. What, about $27?

- Twenty-six. - Oh.

It wasn't even cleaned. There was still rice in the pockets.

I don't know why I just can't wear a black suit to the symphony.

Oh, Bob, everybody dresses up for the Christmas Eve concert. It's a festive occasion.

[Bob] It's supposed to be miserable tomorrow. Can't we just stay home?

- Don't be silly. I mean, you spent $26. - [Knocking]

Hey, Bob and Emily, look at this.

My cereal box has been chewed open. Mice must have done it.

Mice are like that, Howard. They're all thumbs.

I'm serious. I've got mice in my cupboard.

Well, I didn't think they could get up to the fifth floor.

I didn't know they could reach the third floor button.

Bob, you don't understand. I'm afraid of mice.

Well, I understand, Howard.

Mice are harmless.

I know, but I've been afraid of mice ever since I was little kid.

One morning, I went in to brush my teeth and there was a mouse in the sink.

He was trying to get out, and he couldn't. His little feet were going like crazy.

Teeny, tiny toenails were clicking against the porcelain.

You should have seen the look on his face.

Itwas kind of like Humphrey Bogart in TheAfican Queen.

Th-They all look like that, Howard.

[Emily] Why don't you get a mousetrap?

I've got one, but I wish they'd build a better one.

Boy, I wish I were flying out tonight.

I'd feel a much safer up there above the mouse line.

Look, they really did a job on this.

I guess they were after the secret decoder ring.

Carol called to say good-bye. She was in her usual Christmas-in-lowa funk.

You know, it's a shame she has such a bad relationship with her parents.

Oh, and your mother called four times today.

Damn. Wh-What did she want?

- She said it wasn't important. - Oh, good. I don't have to call her back then.

Yeah. She said you didn't have to call her...

just 'cause she was your mother and it was the Christmas season.

I'll call her back.

Yeah, she's got this recipe for a fun eggnog with no liquor in it.

- And that's what she called me about? - Yeah.

And s-she didn't know whether to get you a wallet...

or license plates with the name “Sonny“ on them.

H-Hi, Mom. No, I-l haven't talked to Emily. I just, you know, thought I'd call.

Oh. A new eggnog recipe.

Root beer instead of bourbon.

That sounds like fun.

I don't know, Dr. Hartley.

I always get the feeling that people are laughing at me behind my back.

W-Why do you say that, Mr. Carlin?

Maybe it's because of the sounds of laughter...

that always seem to be coming from the opposite direction I'm facing.

Uh-huh.

Like the other day when I was at the art museum looking at the paintings of the Old West...

I heard definite giggling over my shoulder.

Maybe they were, uh, laughing at the paintings.

Funny Indian massacres? I don't think so.

Gin.

They were laughing at me. just like they were the other day...

when I was walking down the street and slipped on a banana peel.

Well, slipping on a banana peel is a- is a time-honored comedy formula for years.

- I mean, you've seen it in movies, haven't you? - Yeah.

But I never thought it was funny.

Of course, I might think it was funny ifit happened to you.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up.

Yeah, that figures. What do I owe you?

Uh, $14, plus the regular fee.

Next time could we play Crazy Eights?

Not in this office. [Laughs]

Maybe I just don't have a sense of humor.

Everybody has a sense of humor.

How come when I tell a funnyjoke, nobody laughs?

Well, give me an example of a funny story and, uh, see if I can laugh.

Okay. Uh, this guy swims the English Channel in 18 hours.

And, uh, the other guy says, uh, the record is 16 hours.

[Laughing]

That's not the end of it.

And the first guy says, “I could've broken the record if I hadn't lost my watch.“

[Laughs]

I get it. That's, uh, that's very funny.

Oh, yeah. Well, that's your kind of humor.

- [ Fingers Snapping] - Ah, darn it.

Did I tell you that the first guy was a rabbi?

It doesn't matter, Mr. Carlin. I want to wish you a merry Christmas.

And try to enjoy the holiday season...

and just try to remember people aren't laughing at you.

[All Laughing]

Yeah, I'll try to remember that.

[Laughing Continues]

- See you later, Bob. - Oh,jerry, you're gonna stop off at the house...

- and have a drink before the concert, right? - Yeah, I guess so.

- What's the mattenjerry? - I don't know. lt'sjust kind of strange around here.

It's Christmas Eve, we're not even having an office party or anything.

Well, I think it's best. I mean, Carol isn't here, uh, Tuppermans in Miami...

uh, Tetzi and Totten are in Tahiti...

and, you know, a lot of the other doctors are sick.

Itwouldjust be, uh, you, me and Mr. Carlin.

That's not a party. That's a wake.

- I wonder how, uh, Carol's doing. - Yeah.

Maybe we ought to give her a call, wish her a merry Christmas.

- Sh-She could probably use some cheering up. - That's a terrific idea, Bob.

Let's use, uh,your line, huh?

- Great ideaJerry. - Well, mine's always got a lot of static on it.

- You want to talk to her or should I? - No, you talk. It's your dime.

Uh, hello? Yeah, uh, Mr. Kester?

This is, uh, Dr. Hartley in Chicago.

Th-The big city in Illinois, right.

C-Could I speak to Carol, please?

She's not?

She, uh, she didn't?

Well, are-are you sure?

Elwood is still at the airport.

Well, l-l'm sure he does have better things to do.

W-Well, uh, uh...

would you wait until I get in touch with her before you cut her out of the will?

A-And, uh, and merry Christmas.

Hum-Humbug. Right.

- She never showed up, huh? - No.

- Well, you should have called her person-to-person, Bob. - Oh,jer, thanks for the socks.

- Hey, uh, wanna catch the elevator for me? - Sure. Which way you goin'?

Up. Gynecology boys, they give cash.

Uh, not that I, uh, don't appreciate the socks.

- Maybe I didn't give you enough notice. - [ Elevator Bell Dings]

[Jerry] Looks like you're doing okay anyway there, Eddie.

Oh, it could be better.

Hey, are, uh, Totten and Tetzi really in Tahiti?

- I swear. - They better be.

-[Sighs] - Carol's not back in her apartment yet, huh?

No. And I'm really getting worried about her.

- We're all worried about her. Want some eggnog? - No, thanks.

Hey, good lookin', Bob, boy, for a rental.

They didn't send any cufflinks along with this. These were the only ones I could find.

Oh, I haven't worn those earrings in years.

Bob, I can't-l can't reach Carol. I hope she's okay.

It's Christmas Eve. Where would she-she go? She's got no place else to go.

She's feeling unloved. She's really depressed.

I mean, where would you go on a night like that?

I'd go to a symphony.

NOg, Bob?

No, thanks. There's nothing in there but root beer.

I thought it tasted strangely, uh, nonalcoholic and, uh, horrible.

- [Knocking] - Come in.

- Hiya, Howard. Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

You going to a slumber party?

No, no. I'm just, uh, staying home trimming my tree.

Howard, do you want some eggnog?

Well, I don't have anything to do anyway. I might as well get looped.

- Good luck. - Thank you.

Wow! Ooh!

Oh,you guys, uh, going out for an evening of fun?

No, we're going to the symphony.

Oh, a symphony. Chicago finally got a symphony orchestra.

Yeah. Finally got it 95 years ago, Howard.

Ah. Well, then, they should be ready tonight.

Oh! That'll rot your socks.

Wanna hit me again?

Howard, uh, if you're gonna be home, would you listen for the phone? Carol might call.

Oh, just leave the door open. That way, if there's any mice, I'll have an escape route.

Any signs of anything, Howard? Uh, pitter-patter of little feet, uh, toenails clicking?

No. Not a creature is stirring. You guys have any tinsel?

Why, you want to strangle them?

No. I want to use it for tinsel.

Oh. There's an extra box over there.

Oh, thank you very much.

Can I have another belt of that?

Wow! Oh, boy!

Oh, boy! Okay!

Oh. Now I'm ready to face those little furry devils.

It's me. Get back in your holes.

I have never seen a grown man so terrified of mice.

Yeah, it's really silly. Well, it's time for me to get out of the building.

You, uh, ready to go out in the slush, Emily?

- Uh, let mejust try Carol one more time. - Yeah. Go ahead.

I'll be, uh, waitin' down in the lobby.

- H i, j er. - [Emi/Jw] Carol where ha veyou been?

- Uh, sitting in my apartment listening to the phone ring. - Well, that was me.

I guess you can tell by my presence I didn't go to Iowa.

Yeah. We know. I-l spoke to your dad this afternoon.

- He cut you out of his will. - Oh, please. It's not the first time.

He cut me out of his will when I was 16 and stripped the gears on his pickup.

He just never forgave me. Listen, I know that it's Christmas Eve.

I'm really sorry, but I- I just gotta talk to somebody about this.

Uh, you don't have any plans, do you?

No, we don't have any plans.

Oh, well, then, I guess I should start from the beginning.

By that, you mean the beginning of the, uh, week?

The beginning of my life.

Do you know that I was born the year the locusts came to Collinsville?

My father blamed me for that and every little disaster that's come along since.

My father always told me I was ugly 'cause I didn't look like him.

I was tall and thin and redheaded.

What, uh, what did he look like?

He was short and fat and redheaded.

Oh, till his hair fell out. That's another thing he blamed me for.

Uh, Carol, do you want more coffee?

Oh, no. Please, Emily, no. Five's my limit.

Look, I got to be off. I'm gonna grab a cab...

and see if I can catch the last couple of crescendos.

It's too late to scalp your ticketsJerry.

No. No. I've got a date with the harpist.

I just hope she doesn't ask me howl liked the concert.

Just tell her she did some mean picking.

- [ Door Closes] - Oh, hey, listen...

- I have really droned on long enough. - No, no, you haven't.

- Well, it is getting kind of- - f remember when f was 75.

late.

My father accused me of stealing from the cash register at the lumberyard.

I thought you said he had a meat market.

Oh, it was a meat market, lumberyard, lingerie, liquor store.

It was the first of its kind really.

But you didn't take the money from the cash register?

No. My mother did.

And then she made me promise not to tell anybody.

But my father found out and punished me for not telling anybody.

- You know what the punishment was, Bob? - No.

He made me take inventory at the store the night of myjunior prom.

- Oh, that's not very nice. - Yeah.

Gee, my date had a real good time trying on all the lingerie in the store, but...

my dad caught him, got mad and wouldn't let me see him again.

Carol, all fathers are like that.

I mean, my father never liked anybody I dated either.

I mean, he did even like Bob when I started to see him.

- He said he did. - Well, he didn't.

It sure seemed like he liked me.

It wasn't you so much, honey. I just don't think he wanted me to leave Seattle.

Well, my parents had some reservations about you too, you know.

You never told me that.

- I forgot. - [Knocking]

Can I have another refill?

Help yourself, Howard.

If you're looking for Carol, there she is.

Thought you guys were going to the symphony.

We thought we'd give them another year to practice.

Oh, that's not true, Howard. They've been sitting here listening to me...

rant and rave and feel sorry for myself for the past two hours.

- What's wrong? - Oh, nothing. Nothing. My life is falling apart, that's all.

Don't feel bad. I've got mice, and I can't catch 'em.

Well, I have no right to complain.

You guys mind if I have another cup of cheer here?

This stuffs got a kick like a mule.

Wow! [Mumbles]

Howard, w-what do you want?

What do I- Oh, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Uh, well, my tree doesn't look good with just tinsel.

Sol was wondering if you may have some old-fashioned ornaments, you know.

Something that would look good with an aluminum blue tree.

Take what you want, Howard.

Thankyoujust point me to the ornaments.

Oh.

[flattering]

Uh, Howard? Howard?

Howard. We're, uh, we're sort of in-in the middle of something here.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was just going.

You know, that reminds me. You know, maybe mice are wise to cheese.

M-Maybe they are, Howard.

You know, Howard, I don't think now is really the time. I mean, Carol is-

Emily, listen, it's okay. I'djust as soon talk about mice.

I mean, we had mice all over the lumberyard.

My fault, of course.

So we got, uh, four cats, and they used to sit on the porch.

I used to call them the “Step Brothers.“ [Chuckles]

Probably the best friends I ever had.

Have a seat, Howard. [Sighs]

Well, those cats took care of the mice and my dad said get rid of the cats.

But I couldn't do that. Sol hid 'em in my room.

He never would have found out either...

but after about four months, the linoleum fermented and the floor collapsed.

[Carol] I know my dad is never gonna come to Chicago to visit me.

Ever since I stripped the gears on his dumb old pickup. He's too cheap to get it fixed.

- He'll never drive all the way in first. - First.

Now I'm gonna have to go there ifl'm gonna have any sort of a relationship with him at all.

- Relationship. - It is. lt'sjust up to me. That's it. It's up to me.

I'm gonna have to go to that phone and pick it up and call and get on a plane and go.

Bob, I'm gonna do it!

Bob, you are terrific. Wonderful.

Don't, uh, don't mention it, Carol.

Hello, Dad? Hi. It's Carol.

The tall redhead.

I know it's 4:00 in the morning and I'm cut out of the will, but I'm coming home.

Wha- Oh, well, I'm fine. I'm fine, Dad. Thanks for asking.

I'm sorry if I worried you.

Oh. Well.

I love you too.

' Bob! ' Yo!

- I'm back in the will. - Well, where there's a will there's a way.

Listen, I want you to know that you and Emily are the best. You arejust the best.

I mean, spending your whole Christmas Eve sitting up with me.

Oh, I, uh, I enjoyed it. We, uh, we both did.

Merry Christmas, Bob.

Merry Christmas.

Uh, Emily.

I'm awake. I'm awake. Keep talking, Carol.

Well, uh, Carol's on her way to Collinsville.

Oh. Well, did I miss anything?

Yeah,you sure did. There was a lot of excitement.

Uh, right after Carol left, uh, he showed up. He was only here for a minute or so.

And then he, uh, put his finger aside his nose and he rocketed right off the balcony.

But he, uh, he left that for you.

Oh. You're a good guy, you know that, Bob?

- Well, you're a- you're a good guy too. - [Chuckles]

You know, it-it worked out great, the way you, uh...

you were ready to help with Carol when I dozed off...

and then, uh, then when you passed out, I, uh...

I was ready to help.

It was kind of a nice Christmas Eve.

Yeah.

And I think it's gonna turn out to be a lovely Christmas morning too.

[Chuckles] What'd you get me?

- Oh, Bob, I was looking for you. - You got me already, Eddie.

That's what I want to talk to you about. You know these, uh, these socks you gave me?

I don't know where you got 'em, sol can't cash 'em in.

Why don't you just keep 'em?

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm up to my knees in socks.

So I'll, uh, let you take them back for me.

Oh. Hey, Richardson! You know these socks you gave me?

- [ Elevator Bell Dings] - I don't know where you got 'em.

- Hi, Dr. Hartley. - Hi, Mr. Carlin. You're, uh,you're a little late.

- Worst Christmas I ever had. - Let's go.

I think it was your deal, wasn't it?

Hi- Hi, Carol. Wel- uh, welcome back. How'd- How'd it go?

[Sobbing]

Now that's funny.

[ Mews]