Original subtitles

Okay, Bernie, $15 check payable to whom?

- The Urology Research Clinic- - The Urology Research-

Annual Mixed Doubles Tennis Tournament-

Come on, Bernie.

- And Cocktail Party. - I can't get that all on this one check.

Well, that's the name of the tournament.

Well, the bank doesn't have to know we're having a cocktail party.

- Well, I hope they cash it. - They'll cash it, Bernie. They'll cash it.

Hey, Phil. Can I have your 15 bucks? You're gonna be in the tournament, aren't you?

Are you kidding? I am the tournament.

I mean, what kind of tournament would it be without last year's defending champion?

- Honest one? - There is nothing dishonest...

about my blistering forehand and slashing backhand.

Nothing dishonest about your sneezing every time I serve either, huh?

- Can I help it if I have hay fever? - In an indoor court?

Well, maybe I'm just allergic to losers.

HeyJerry, you know, I think the reason Phil won last year...

was because he was lucky enough to be paired up with Bettyjo Berkus.

Jerrys partner was just as good as Bettyjo.

Cindy Dreckman?

She was great... back in the '40s.

Well, uh, she wasn't the one who couldn't return my lightning serves.

- {Elevator Bell Dings] - Good mommg.

- Oh, good morning, Bob. - Say, Bob, which would you rather have-

uh, Bettyjo Berkus or Cindy Dreckman?

Is this one of those desert island situations?

No. No, Bob. We're talking about the tennis tournament. What do you think of Cindy Dreckman?

- Well, uh, she was good for a retired nurse. - She was the worst.

No, she wasn't. Bob's partner was the worst.

Oh, yeah. Who was your partner, Bob? You know, I forgot. You were eliminated so fast. I-

Yeah, Bob. Who was your partner? Oh, that's right.

- What's right? - Uh, we werejust, uh, talking about the tennis tournament.

Oh. Now I'm sorry to let you down, Bob, but I'm not gonna play this year.

Shucks.

Well, I don't blame you, Carol. I mean, if I was as uncoordinated as you are...

I don't think I'd enter any kind of competition either.

Oh, watch it, Phil. lam going to be the linejudge this year.

You are a terrific person, though, on the other hand.

I mean, you're very nice, you're kind, got a great personality.

I've got real good eyes too, and I'm gonna be watching you like a hawk.

- How are your ears? - Perfect.

Good. Listen for sneezes.

Boy, it's lonely at the top.

- Bob, you're in, right? - No, not this year. But I'll, uh, I'll send a donation.

- What are you talking about? - What are you talking about? You still play, don't you?

Yeah, I play, but I play for fun. And the last couple of years, it hasn't been fun.

You know, winning isn't a matter of life and death.

Bob, this is competition. It's normal to want to win.

Yeah, but I mean, it isn't everything.

But when a person has been blessed with certain natural gifts by you know who...

I mean, he wants to go all the way.

Yeah, well, uh, gifts come in different packagesJerry.

- You're darn right. - Yeah, that's right.

Uh, pudgy packages, short packages.

Wait a minute. I resent you calling Bob short...

and I'm sure Bob resents you calling me pudgy, right, Bob?

- That's right, Bernie. - Well, come on, do you want to play in the tournament or not?

Yeah, come on, Bob. Let's show these big lummoxes.

All right, l-l'll play, but I don't want a lot of arguing like we had last year.

- There won't, Bob. You've got my word on that. - Fine.

Unless Phil starts something, then I'm going to ram my tennis racket down his, uh, throat.

Oh, Bob. Uh, will you, uh, give the trophy out again this year?

- Yeah. Sure. - Oh, here. Keep it in your office.

- Kind of like in a temporary home. - You never know, Bernie.

I hope you win that. The Urology Trophy belongs in your office.

You'd think they could come up with a better name than that, though, wouldn't you?

I know. What about, uh, Urology Cup?

I think we better stick with Urology Trophy.

- Hi, honey. I'm home. - Hi, dear.

- Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. - Oh, good.

Bob, would you get the candles out of the freezer for me, please?

Oh, I had candles for lunch.

No. I freeze the candles 'cause it makes them burn twice as long.

I guess that's because the, uh, flame is so cold, hmm?

That's another one of those household hints I got from that book I bought-

- Save a Nickel, Save a Dime. - Oh, that's that book that cost $22, wasn't it?

Bob, what's in the bag?

Oh, I just, uh, picked up some things.

I'm, uh, gonna play in Bernie's tennis tournament. I needed a couple pair of socks.

Oh, and a new aluminum racket.

Oh, a new shirt, tennis shoes, sunglasses.

Gee, I thought you weren't gonna play I tournament this year.

Bernie andjerry, they, uh, you know, they talked me into it.

Mm-hmm.

Is it, uh, still mixed doubles?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. They, uh- They put the women's names in one bowl, the men's in the other...

and then, uh- then we pick out the pairs on Friday.

It sounds exciting. Bob, what's this?

That's, uh, my sweat set.

- For my wrists, you know? - Oh. For both of them?

- Well, they both sweat. - [Chuckles]

That's for my forehead.

[Chuckles] It's adorable, Bob. It really is.

Hi, Emily- [Laughing]

Howard, don't say anything.

[Chuckles] I-l wasn't going to say anything.

You lost your feather.

That's Bob's sweat set.

He's playing in a tennis tournament on Saturday, and he's planning on sweating.

Wait a minute. I thought we were gonna play golf on Saturday.

Well, I'm sorry, Howard. I forgot all about our golf game.

Well, that's okay. I mean, no big deal.

I'll just, uh- just play golf by myself.

You can play tennis with the beautiful people.

Oh. He's not playing with the beautiful people.

He's playing with Bernie andjerry and people like that.

Yeah, it's a charity event. You can play if you want. You'll be my guest.

No, there's no way I could do that.

- Oh, come on, Howard. - Okay.

I didn't know people who didn't work in the office could play in the tournament.

Yeah. It's wide open this year.

Oh, yeah? Well, uh, I know somebody who's taking tennis lessons...

and, uh, she's really been improving.

Well, I wish you wouldn't tell her about the tournament, 'cause we don't need beginners.

Well, I was talking about me.

Oh.

- Well, sure. If you really want to play. - Yeah. I think it'd be fun.

Fine. I'll, uh, put your name in the bowl tomorrow.

Wait a minute. I just remembered.

I can't play. Last winter my, uh, racket fell apart.

Oh, Howard, that's too bad.

Well, actually it was my fault. I should never have use it as a spaghetti strainer.

Well,you're in luck, Howard. I just got a new racket.

Oh. Wow! Great! Oh, Bob, that's fantastic!

Oh, thank you! What are you gonna use?

My new racket. You can use my old one.

Well, why have a beautiful racket if you're not one of the beautiful people?

It's, uh- it's a good racket, Howard.

I just had it restrung with top-grade cat gut.

Cat gut? That's just what they call it, isn't it?

Yeah. I guess that's because that's what it is.

Here, Bob. I'm gonna buy a racket with nylon strings.

There's enough violence in this world already.

Emily, you really serious about playing in this tournament?

- Sure. Why not? - Well, I don't know.

I just wouldn't want you to look silly.

Hello, Dr. Dorfman? This is Carol Kester.

Right, the receptionist that can't take the sun.

Uh, listen, the pharmacy was all out of Hellfire Sunburn cream.

But I thinkl got everything else you suggested.

Uh, Scorch-No...

Burn-Me-Not...

and, of course, uh, Zemeltrickselfeen for redheads.

Yes, I have the nose guard and the visor.

I'll be careful.

No. I don't need the warning, Doctor.

When I was in school, I used to peel when I sat next to a bright student.

It's funny if you think about it, Dr. Dorfman. Good-bye.

Hi, Carol. How's every little thing on Mars?

Very amusing.

- Is it time for the, uh, partner drawing yet? - 5:30,jerry.

- Okay. - Is it time for the drawing yet, Carol?

- 5:30, Bob. - Hold it, Bob.

- What? - What are you wearing?

Oh, I just, uh-

I put on my, uh- my tennis shirt just to, you know, get used to it.

- You're not gonna play in that shirt, are you? - Why not?

- It's got a canary on it. - What's wrong with a canary?

It's not an alligator.

That's very trueJerry.

- And do you know what else isn't an alligator? - A camel?

- Very good. - What I mean is, Bob, alligator shirts are in.

Boy, you try and give some of these people guidance around here and-

- Uh, Carol, wh-wh-what time is the, uh- the drawing? - Uh, 5:30, Bob.

I'll, uh- I'll be in my office.

- Uh, 5- uh, 5:30. - 5:30.

[Knocking]

What are you doing, Bob?

Oh, I was, uh-just, uh-just seeing how they, uh- they adjust these shelves.

Just in case I got a tall object.

You know, like a tall book or something, you know, I'd...

know how to adjust the shelves.

- Tall book, huh? - Something.

Something, uh, about this tall?

Or maybe, uh, runner-up tall.

- It's 5:29, Bob. - I'll, uh- I'll be out.

You really want to win that thing, don't you?

Well, I wouldn't, uh- lwouldn't mind.

I don't want tojinx you, Bob, but I thinkyou can do it.

See, I-l don't believe in superstition.

I mean, if-if you win, you win. If you don't, you know, well, what difference does it make?

Well, good luck anyway, Bob.

Uh, Carol, it, uh- it isn't a matter of luck.

Okay.

- [ Bernie] Time for the drawing. - Hey, Bernie. Hey, wh-wheres the trophy?

- Bob has it. - Here it is.

Hey, that's bigger than last year's trophy.

Oh, that's too bad. I was- I was thinking of making bookends.

He )4 Phil, come on. Remember your promise. Relaxed andsportshmansh/p-like.

All right, Bernie. All right. just, uh, stay out of my way.

- [jerryjAm I/ate? - No, but who's little mouth is hardening in your chair?

Ah, it's okay. I got 55 seconds. Come on, Bernie, let's get it going.

Okay, but before I, uh, pick the first name...

I'd like to say few words about the functions ofThe Urology Research Clinic.

We know the functions, Bernie. Now let's get on with it, huh?

- [ Chattering] - Get going with the drawing.

- [ Emily] Hi. How's it going? Excuse me. - We, uh-Wejust started.

- I got 4O seconds, Bernie. - Uh, okay, the first name is, uh, Tammy Ziegler.

Go ahead. Pick your partner, Tammy.

Be there, baby.

Howard Borden? Who's Howard Borden?

He's not that swishy podiatrist up on the 12th floor, is he?

No, he's, uh- he's a neighbor of ours, and he's as macho as they come.

I've got the macho. I'm looking for a guy who can serve rockets.

- They really take this seriously, huh? - Shh! Shh!

Okay, uh, the next one isjerry Robinson.

Good deal. I only got four seconds left. Bettyjo Berkus!

Hey, all the way, Bettyjo. We're gonna kill you, Phil. That's all for you-

-[Timer Dings] - Uh, that's it for me.

The next name is, uh, Bob Hartley. Go ahead, Bob Hartley.

Uh, Carol, why don't- why don't you pick it for luck?

Oh, okay, Bob.

Oh, talk about luck. Your partner is... Emily!

Me? Oh! Oh!

That-That's wonderful, huh?

Terrific.

- Boy, talk about luck. - Yes.

I mean, I-l wonder what the odds against something like this happening are?

I don't even want to know.

Don't we have a rule that says husbands and wives can't play together?

- Yeah, we do. We do. That's right. - No, we don't.

- It's never come up before. - Well, Bernie, I wouldn't want to break any of the rules.

Oh, come on now. Let them- Let them play together.

What difference does it make?

Well, you know, in case we win, I don't want there to be any hard feelings.

- You're not gonna win, Bob. - Well, you never know.

Emily's been taking lessons, and, uh, she's got a pretty good serve.

Yeah, I sure have.

- Yeah. - Y-You sure those rules aren't written down anywhere?

- Well, are you ready, Emily? - Yeah.

You know, I just can't decide if I should hold my racket in two hands like Chrissy Evert...

or one hand like Evonne Goolagong.

Emily, don't worry about it.j-j ust remember after I serve to move way off to the side.

You mean, get out of the way?

No. No. Not-Not at all. You'll get, uh- You'll get plenty of shots.

Well, good, 'cause I want to have some fun too.

Oh, it'll be fun, because, uh, Bernie is really out of shape.

I think if we run him, he's gonna cave in like a house of cards.

Uh, but- but you don't really care about winning that much.

No. Not really.

Now, after we eliminate Bernie...

I think we'll play Jerry and Bettyjo.

- I thinkjerry is just a little overconfident. - Uh-huh.

Okay, now if we get by them, we'll play Phil and Madeline in the finals...

- and I thinkl can psyche Phil out. - Oh.

Well, you should be very good at that.

And if, uh- if everything goes right...

- we should take it all. - Uh-huh.

But, uh, you don't care?

- No. No, not really. - No.

Okay, Emily...

- let's go. - Okay, Bob. I'm right behind you.

Right behind me and way off to the side.

- Emily, you were terrific. - Oh, you did pretty good yourself, Bernie.

Oh, not really. You know, it was just a fluke that we beat you and Bob.

Oh, Bernie. Six-love, six-one is no fluke.

Boy, you really had us going in that second set.

When take a few lessons for your serve, I won't want to tangle with you.

- Uh, Bernie? - Yeah?

- I've already had 12 lessons. - You did?

- Mm-hmm. - Well, uh...

you know that one serve that you got across the net?

- Yeah. - Well, it was almost impossible to return.

- Oh. - I look like I could use some Gatorade.

Bob, where have you been? I haven't seen you since the match.

Oh, I-l went for a walk. I still had a lot of energy left.

Oh. You know, um, Bernie was just telling me...

that for a person who hadn't played very much, I was pretty good.

Yeah, y-you did play pretty good.

I guess that's why we lost to the worst team in the tournament.

Bob, are you blaming me?

No, half the blame goes to thatjerk who taught you how to serve.

Well, Bob, sol double-faulted a few times.

- Twenty-eight. - You were counting?

That's just a ballpark figure. The actual number was 34.

Well, Bob, I don't know howl could've tried any harder. I was running as fast as I could.

- That's another thing. - What's another thing?

- Never mind. - No, Bob, I want to know.

You run like a girl.

I am a girl.

That's another thing. You acted like-

You acted like a girl. You giggled when I-when I missed that lob.

Well, I giggled because it hit you on top of the head.

I had sweat in my eyes.

Oh. I didn't know Superman could sweat.

I'm really sorry, Howard. I didn't mean to serve the ball that hard.

It's okay. It's okay.

I should have ducked orjumped or something.

Oh. I guess it's true.

You never hear the one that's got your name on it.

- Hi, guys. Who won? - We killed 'em.

- Oh, congratulationgjer. - Thanks, Emily.

- Nice goingJerry. - Oh, thanks, Bob. And you were right.

It's not hard to be a gracious winner.

You know, I, uh- I shouldn't have laid back. I took it easy.

You know, I was too, uh, nonchalant, too relaxed, you know?

I guess, uh, it just didn't mean that much to me.

You thinkyou had a weak partner.

- I'm not blaming my partner. - Oh.

Folks. Oh, folks, listen. Before we hand out the awards...

I want to give a nice round of applause to our star linejudge, Carol Kester.

Oh, well, thank you.

I'm surprised you recognized me.

- Phil, uh, you left your racket on the court. - Oh, yeah.

Oh, thanks. It, uh, must have, uh, you know, slipped out of my hand.

You can kiss the sportsmanship award good-bye too.

And now, the awards chairman, Bob Hartley.

The guy who did something for me that nobody else has ever done.

He made me a winner.

Well, uh, uh, thanks, everybody.

The tournament's over and we, uh- we do have a winner...

uh,jerry Robinson and Bettyjo Berkus.

Nice goin'.

But in this kind of tournament, I don't think you can say there were any losers...

even though, uh, some of us lost, uh, by a lot.

The, uh- The important thing, I think, to remember is that we, uh-

we did contribute some money to a worthy charity and, uh, we all had a good time.

I know Emily and I did.

If we canjust, I think, keep the feeling of sportsmanship that we had on the courts...

and carry it through to our everyday lives.

I know it's an old saying. You've heard it a million times, but...

it's not whether you, uh, win or lose...

it's, uh, h-how you- how you- how you play the, uh-

the, uh-

Game.

The game.

- Emily? - Over here, Bob.

I was just throwing out the trash.

- E-Emily, uh, listen- - I know, Bob. it's not whether you win or lose-

Uh, Emily, that isn't what I was gonna say. Uh, would you sit down?

Okay.

If you don't mind if I sit like a girl.

Emily, I don't, uh- I don't blame you for- for leaving...

or for taking the car.

How'd you get home?

Uh,jerry gave me a ride.

And I'm glad he did. Because I got a really close look at that trophy.

Well, maybe next year with the right partner, you'll win it and you can build a shrine for it.

Emily, the, uh- the trophy...

is just a-a cheap piece of-of brass-plated metal...

uh, mounted on wood-grained plastic...

and with a couple of tennis players glued on top of it.

I really wanted that. Emily, sit down.

When, uh- When I was in the seventh grade...

I worked for the, uh- the Northshore Trophy Company.

And I must have delivered hundreds of trophies, but never one to myself.

You know, and one day the temptation got too great.

And I-l took this trophy that belonged to someone else...

and I put it on my dresser.

“1943, South Chicago Boxing Tournament...

“Heavyweight Champion...

Buster Magi I nski.”

Oh, I've seen that trophy, Bob. It's in back of the closet.

Yeah, well, make sure it stays there...

'cause if Buster finds out I have it, he's gonna push my face in.

Th-That always worried me, and I- I wanted to win a trophy all- all by myself.

Yeah, well, that's exactly what you tried to do today.

Yeah, I know. And, um, I'm- I'm sorry.

Well, I understand, Bob. And I-

I just wish I could have played better.

Emily, it wasn't your fault.

Actually, you were- you were very good at the net.

- Oh, thank you. - I mean, ifoccasionallyyou could have hit a ball back-

But-But we can, uh- we can work on that and, uh, I mean, who knows.

Bob, are you saying you want me to be your partner at the tennis tournament next year?

Why- Why don't I, uh, think about that while I take the trash down?

- Good morning, Carol. - Oh, hi, Bob.

Well, it looks like we all survived the tourney, huh?

And it looks like you survived the sun.

- Almost. I forgot to wear gloves. - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

- Hi, Bob, Carol. - HLJer.

HLJerry. Congratulations. It, uh, it looks terrific.

Oh, this! [Chuckles]

Pretty proud of it, aren't you?

Ah, it's no big deal. lt'sjusta bauble.

We all had a good weekend's fun, and I have a little souvenir to remember it by, that's all.

I see you, uh, you had it inscribed.

Yeah, well, on the way down, I thought I'd take a couple of hours off and get it over with.

“The, uh, Urology Cup, won this day over a field of competitors...

by the team ofjerry Robinson and partner.“

Yeah, well, there wasn't room on there, you know, for her whole name.

[ Mews]