Original subtitles

Here we go, Bob. Your article's all finished.

I stayed up until 4:00 in the morning typing it.

- Oh, thank you, Carol. - You're welcome.

Did I mention that I stayed up until 4:00 in the morning typing it?

Oh, yeah. Uh, how much?

Thirty-five. Not that I did it for the money.

No, no. It's a fascinating article.

- But you'll take the money? - If you insist.

[Mouthing Words] Thank you.

Uh, listen, Bob. In the article...

is Mr. “Y“ Elliot Carlin?

- What difference does it make? - I thought so.

Uh, Carol, with the 35...

you might go out and buy yourself something nice.

What, you don't like this outfit?

No, it's fine, for a sock hop...

but here at the office, we try to maintain a certain dignity.

- Hey, boss threads, Carol. - ThanksJer.

You're my main man.

- Uh, can we talk, Bob? - YeahJerry. What's up?

I got this date tonight.

With who, Betty or Veronica?

A girl named Courtney Simpson. I haven't seen her in 1 O years.

It's really strange, Bob. I can't figure out why she called me.

Maybe she likes your boss threads.

- Come on, Bob. I'm tryin' to be serious. - I'm sorryJer.

Courtney Simpson was the most perfect girl I ever knew-

tawny, long-legged, golden-haired.

A free spirit. Full of adventure and excitement. You know the kind of girl I mean?

- Yeah, my sister's sort of like that. - Uh-huh.

Except she's... short and has dark hair.

Yeah. Once, Courtney and I went on this canoeing trip...

and it was the most exciting thing I ever did.

Four days out there. No food, no water, nojohn.

I had that same kind of excitement in Korea,jerry.

Then we parted company. I went and became an orthodontist.

She went off to Bombay, New Zealand, South AmericaJapan.

Now she's back in Chicago, and I can't figure out why.

Maybe she stopped by for some maps.

No, Bob, what I mean is, why did she call me?

- Maybe she likes you,jerry. - Come on, Bob.

Look at me. What's there to like?

I'm an orthodontist.

I sold out years ago. My life is dull.

Like yours.

I just can't figure it out, Bob. What does she want with me after 1 O years?

It's a long time. People change.

That's it. You see, that's why she called me.

She's probably gotten old, fat and ugly.

Just ready to settle down and marry a dull, rich orthodontist.

Uh-uh-uh. She's not gonna trap this fella.

Hey, Bob. Thanks a lot. You did it again.

- Glad to be of helpJerry. - Right.

See you at the malt shop.

Well, what's coming up next?

I can't tell you. just eat it while it's hot.

- How is it? - It's cold.

- No, I mean, how does it taste? - What is it?

- Sauteed bean curd. - Oh, then it's fine.

Okay, get ready. Now this is the hot and sour sesame balls.

That's Mr. Chun's specialty.

- Who's Mr. Chun? - Oh, that's a patient of Bob's who owns a restaurant.

He started seeing Bob because business has been bad lately...

and he doesn't know why.

I could tell him.

- [D0orbe// Buzzes] - I'll get it. I'll get it.

I'll get it. Uh, I've gotta go anyway. You can have my, uh-

my stuff.

Don't you wanna take it with you, Howard?I mean...

Bob could put it in, uh- in a dragon bag.

Thank you.

Oh. hiJerW-

- Howard, I'm over here. - Hi.

Howard, Bob and Emily, this is Courtney Simpson.

- [Emily] H1; Courtney - Hi.

You know, girls that look like you are always named Courtney. Like, uh...

Candice Bergen and Cybill Shepherd and those kind ofCourtneys.

Why, thank you. Mmm!

Smells like hot and sour sesame balls.

- It is. - Ah, no kidding.

-I love Mandarin food. - Yeah, me too.

Listen, if you ever get to Shanghai, there's a terrific restaurant on the outskirts.

They make the best Wong Shu Op you ever tasted.

- Uh, what's the name of the restaurant? - Dave's.

- Dave's? - Uh-huh.

But not the Hong Kong Dave's. It's the Dave's in Shanghai.

Oh, well, I don't think we'll ever get to Shanghai.

- Well, the one in Hong Kong is pretty good too. - Oh.

- Well, why don't you have a seat. - Yeah, please.

We're only here for a couple of minutes.

I just wanted you to see how old, fat and ugly Courtney has gotten.

Uh, are you, uh-are you gonna be in Chicago long?

Uh-huh. A couple of days.

Vvejust come in from Tanzania, and I'm on my way to Tahiti.

Courtney's seeing the world in alphabetical order.

It's taken her 1 O years to get to the T's.

- How do you manage all the traveling? - I'm a marine biologist.

Oh, what a coincidence. My ex-wife was an army nurse.

- It's not the same thing, Howard. - Well, they're both military.

So your job takes you all over the world, huh?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah. I'd like to do that. To travel.

Howard, that's what you do do.

Yeah, but from five miles up.

I'd like to do it much lower to the ground.

Of course, ifit was any lower, I mightjeopardize human lives.

You know, I went to Europe once, and it was the greatest summer of my life.

I mean, until I married Bob, of course.

Yeah, we've had a much better time since then.

Last summer, we, uh- we almost made it to Wisconsin.

What do you think, Bob? Isn't she everything I said she was?

- [ Howard] And more. - She's, uh- She's very nice.

- I thinkyou people are all very nice too. - Yeah, for Americans.

Well, we'll see you later.

Jerry, can't you stay? Bob's making squid with duck sauce.

No, sirree. Tonight is special. We're gonna have cheeseburgers.

You see, I haven't had a cheeseburger in five years.

Oh, cheeseburgers. That sounds great.

Uh, we'd kinda like to be alone, Howard.

I don't wanna go with you. I just can't stand any more of that stuff.

- Good night. - Good night. Nice meeting you.

That's great. Now we don't have to share the squid with anybody.

Oh, honey, I'm gonna tell you something even greater-

you don't have to share it with me.

Well, this is it. My little prison. Don't know why you wanted to see it.

- I've never seen a dentist's office before. - Yeah, that figures.

- You've probably never even been sick. - I had a cold once...

- in Antarctica. - Yeah, and that was way back in the A's.

- Nice chair. - It's plastic. Like my life.

- What's this? - X-raymachine.

- And this? - Spit sink.

- Pretty dull stuff, huh? - No!

No, I can see where this could be fascinating work.

What's fascinating about sticking your fingers in kids' mouths all day long...

having them bite you, having them spray you with water...

till it runs down into your socks?

- You think that's fascinating? - Ohjerry, you shouldn't feel that way.

You're helping people. And you're doing something interesting and challenging.

- You really think so? - Yes, I do.

Well, you know it does have certain advantages.

I mean, I'm my own boss. I come and go whenever I please.

I'm... really a free spirit.

- Nobody said you weren't. - And it's not like I've lost touch with nature.

You, uh- You know what this is?

This is a plant. I mean, I really care about living things.

- It could use some water. - Yeah, well, Carol'll catch it in the morning.

You know what this here is? This is my music thing.

I mean, a lot of guys can only get one channel at a time...

but I can listen to whatever kind of music I like.

I} [ Muzak ]

- [Channel Changes] - g,' [Song Continues]

- [Channel Changes] - g,' [Song Continues]

- .»-';-"' [$119105] - That's a terrific selectiomjer.

Look at this here. This is my own creation.

- This is a happy tooth. - Well, what does it do?

- Nothing. - Well, as long as it's happy.

- Lookit here. Here's a whole assortment of good stuff- Jerry!

- You don't have to sell me. I know this is a good life. - Ah, it's a great life.

- Do you really believe that, Courtney? - Yes, I really do.

Well, good, because, uh, there's something...

uh, I'd like to say to you.

I could use a girl around here. Someone who's bright and energetic.

Someone who's got a good background in marine biology.

Jerry, it's not my thing.

My thing is the world, seeing it all, being with all the people and moving on.

I don't like to stay in one place too long.

You want thejob or not?

I could never take a job like this.

- It's the money, huh? - No.

No, it's the location. I mean, I'm on my way to Tahiti.

- What if I went to Tahiti with you? - You mean, take your tools?

Sure! Take my tools, my plant.

Nah, they probably got plants there. Look-

What would you- What would you say if I, uh...

went with you to Tahiti?

I think it would be terrific. If you really want to.

Oh, I really want to. I could bring orthodontia to the natives.

Well, sure. You could find a lot of satisfaction...

in teaching Tahitians to rinse and spit.

“Rinse and spit.“

When you say it, it sounds so... beautiful.

They teach you that in dental school?

- I made that up myself. - It's very good.

Hold that smile.

There's a little spot on your upper-right incisor.

Jerry, this isn't really very romantic.

Right.

- ,','[Muza/ - Of course.

Hi, Carol. It's a fine morning.

It's great to be alive, and you look terrific.

- Jerry? Is that you? - Don't get up. I'll get my own coffee.

- In fact, I'll get you a cup. - No, that's not you.

Yeah, it's me. Carol, it is me.

It's the real me. The new me. The free me.

The me I used to be before I became the me I was.

Well, the old you left the light on in your office last night.

- That was probably the night watchman. - Mm-hmm.

Well, whoever it was, he was wearing Oil de Musk.

- Hi, Carol. - Hey, Elliot.

- Is Dr. Hartley in? - No, not yet. Why don't you just have a seat?

- Okay - Hey, Mr. Carlin. How are you? You look terrific.

Come on over. I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

What's the matter with you, Robinson?

The matter? Nothing's the matter.

I feel great. I got the world on a string. I'm sittin' on a rainbow.

You've got the string around your neck.

Nobody should ever be that happy.

- He's sick. - How do you know?

I've had eight years of experience. I know emotional stress when I see it.

I just don't know it when I have it.

Anyway, I say you're covering up.

- Are you,jerry? - Are you agreeing with him now, Carol?

WelLJerry, you have to admit, his credentials are pretty impressive.

But he's wrong! I had a great date last night with a girl I hadn't seen in 10 years.

And it was the most fantastic night of my life.

- Oh, sure. She was more beautiful than ever, wasn't she? - She really was.

- Yeah, and the hours passed like seconds, didn't they? - They really did.

You were swept away on a perfumed cloud, weren't you?

- A cloud of musk. - You poor slob.

Oh, hi, Dr. Hartley. You're herejust in time.

This guy really is in bad trouble.

- What's the mattenjerry? - I didn't think anything was.

It is. Why don't you take part of my hour?

You need it more than I do.

Well, I wish somebody would because one of you is two minutes late.

And, Robinson, you're on my time, you know, so don't waste it being happy.

Get in there and spill it.

- What's upJerry? - Nothing.

I had a great time with Courtney last night.

Come on,jerry. Spill it.

Okay. I'm going to Tahiti with her.

The Tahiti?

Tahiti Tahiti?

Oh, sure, you don't thinkl should go.

Throw everything away on a chance to be free.

Go wherever the wind takes me, follow the sun for a while-

you don't think I should do that, do you?

I don't thinkyou should, and I don't thinkyou're going to.

- I would with Courtney. Jerry, I know you.

I know you wouldn't throw everything away that you worked so hard for.

Oh, what's to throw away, Bob?

Did you ever look inside a kid's mouth?

Do you know what goes on in there?

- Bad things, huh? - It's the worst.

Armies of bacterial life slithering around in there.

You know it's better to kiss a dog than a kid?

I'll try to remember that,jer.

Anyway, Bob...

I'm gonna go to Tahiti with her unless you can talk me out of it.

I'll tryJefW-

I mean, you know everybody has a romantic dream.

L, uh-l had one. I wanted to be a tap dancer.

- A tap dancer? - Yeah.

For three years, I practiced every day until my feet became like machine guns.

Then I-l tried out for an amateur hour...

and there was no way I could lose.

- What happened? - I lost.

I came in third. I was beat out bya midget who, uh-

who sliced butter with a bullwhip...

and a woman who let air of an inner tube tire to the tune of“Nola.“

She was great.

A-Anyway, the point is,jerry, I realized it was just a dream...

you know, and I came back to the real world.

- That's what you should do. - You didn't talk me out of it, Bob.

- I'm gonna go. Jerry, you're not gonna go.

You're gonna stay in Chicago. I know you.

Bob, in Chicago, a man can't follow the sun.

Jerry, in Tahiti, a man can't follow the White Sox.

- How'd it go with him? - Oh, it'll work out.

I really appreciate your giving up part of your time for him.

That's all right. I can spare it.

I only had one problem this week. [ Exhales]

Well, why don't you, uh-

Why don't you tell me about it.

Yesterday morning, I was possessed by the devil.

Let me see. ls the- ls the queen worth more than the horse?

- It's called a knight. - Yeah, well, it looks like a horse to me.

The queen is worth three of those.

Oh, well. Well, then, I'll protect my queen with my horse.

I'll take your horse-

your knight- with my bishop.

Then I'll just say... checkers.

- “Checkmate? - Whatever.

Howard, you've played chess before, haven't you?

Yeah, I think I played once. Um-

You wanna play for money this time?

Hi. Bob. could you help me?

I've got more of Jerry's stuff in the car.

Yeah, I'll helpyou by leaving it in the car 'causejerrys not gonna go anywhere.

- Well, then how come he sold all his furniture? - He can buy new furniture.

Ifjerry was gonna leave, he would've left with Courtney, and she's been gone over a week.

The time to worry is when Jerry buys an airline ticket.

- Well, he bought it today. - Yeah, I picked it up for him.

Well, he can, uh- he can always cash it in.

I mean, every couple of years, ]erry's always doing this.

I mean, two years ago it was California with his brother.

He was gonna go in the surfboard rental business.

Then last year, he came up with a system. He was gonna beat all the casinos in Las Vegas.

The night before he was gonna leave, he lost all his money in a poker game.

Yeah, I remember that. I won real big that night.

Jerrys just gonna carry it as far as he can before he backs out.

Well, I hope you're right, but I thinkyou're wrong.

You know, in a way, I envyjerry.

I mean, I wish we could do that.

You know,just get away from civilization for a while...

be self-sufficient, live off the land.

I mean,just-just kinda go with the clothes on our back and...

maybe my hair dryer.

Bob, wanna go out to dinner?

I don't feel like cooking tonight.

Yeah, as soon as this, uh- this game is finished.

It's finished.

Gee, I didn't see that horse.

Well, I'm, uh- I'm glad we wrestled that exorcism thing...

- out of you, Mr. Carlin. - Yeah.

It sure was cold in there.

Yeah, I never should've seen that darn picture.

Well, you just have to remember how pictures affect you.

I remember when you saw The Godfiather, you came in...

and threatened to bend my eyes unless I cured you.

Yeah, that's whyl can't decide what to see tonight.

Boys in the Band at Planet of the Apes.

- Planet of the Apes. - Ah, yes.

Planet of the Apes.

Well, Bob, did you say good-bye tojerry?

No, Carol, I didn't say good-bye becausejerrys not leaving.

Bob, it sure looks to me like he's leaving.

He went to Dr. Klein to have his shots.

Now, why in the world would anyone do that if they weren't leaving?

Well, it's just a dream, Carol. He's gonna wake up soon.

Boy, it's hard for me to believe he'd throw it all away on somebody like that.

- Didn't you like Courtney? - Courtney? Oh, was that her name?

Well, you know, she was okay...

in a, uh, cheap sort ofway.

Okay, that about wraps it up.

Know anybody who could use a half jar of pumice?

- Not offhand. - Okay. Uh, Bob...

this is really kind of a tough thing for me to say, but-

Here it comes.

I want you to take care of happy tooth for me.

Jerry, you're really kinda taking this down to the wire, aren't you?

I don't know what you mean by that, but I would like you to drive me to the airport.

- I just sold my car. - Sure, I wilLjer. I have one more appointment.

Good, because I have one more thing to do too.

Bob, now, if he's gonna back out, he'd better do it soon.

Carol, he'sjust looking for the right time.

That's why he wants us to go to the airport with him.

So we can help him talk himself out of it.

Tomorrow, he'll be back at work. Business as usual.

Take it easy now. This is a delicate piece of equipment. Excuse me.

Don't scratch the plastic. I'll be back in a minute, guys.

That's right, Easy does it. Easy.

Uh, correct me ifl'm wrong, Bob...

but wasn't thatjerry leaving with his chair?

Yeah, but there's a very good explanation for that. He's, uh-

He's making a house call.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Gee, I'm sorry that Howard and Emily aren't here...

- but I gotta get on that plane soon. - SureJerry.

Well,just think, in 24 hours...

I'll be watching the Tahitian sunset with my shoes off...

drinking coconut wine with Courtney...

roasting sand dabs over an open fire.

Look,jerry, all kidding aside, if you're gonna back out...

do it now 'cause otherwise you're gonna look stupid.

- He's really going, Bob. - He is not.

Okay. Okay, he isn't.

But in case he is, I think I'm gonna cry.

OhJerry, I'm really gonna miss you,you big lug.

- Aw, Carol. - Now, listen, take real good care of Courtney...

'cause she's a wonderful girl.

If you like that type.

Oh,jerry. Thank goodness you're still here.

Howard is having trouble getting through the metal detector...

but they let me go on ahead of him.

Man On P.A.] Final boarding call. Flight 96.

Luau service to Tahiti,

This is the final boarding call.

Gee, I don't know what to say at a time like this.

Well, all I can say is,jerry, I wish you all good things.

- Carol- - I hate long good-byes.

- Bob- - Look,jerry, don't be afraid of losing face.

You're right.

Bob, take care of happy tooth while I'm gone.

Yeah, I'll walk him when I get home tonighLjerry.

Can you believe the sense of drama?

He's gonna go all the way to the plane before he has to come back.

Wow,

You've got to hand it to those security guards. They don't miss a trick.

What'd they nail you for, Howard? Indecent exposure?

No, my magnetic chess set.

Howard, you-you played chess before. You're a hustler, aren't you?

No, I'm not!

Got time for a quick game?

Yeah. We're just sitting here waiting forjerry to come back.

Bob, he is not coming back.

- He already said good-bye. - Oh, has he left?

I wanted to tell him about this great restaurant in Tahiti.

That's all right. He'll be back in a minute.

Well, it doesn't matter. They only have one good restaurant in Tahiti. He'll find it.

- [Carol ] There he goes. - He is not going.

[Emily] Oh, I hope he has a safe trip.

Don't worry. Those planes are terrific.

He is not going.

Well, that's it. He's gone.

Well, I'm not gonna stand here and wait for...

that stupid plane to turn all the way around.

Why don't we, uh- Why don't we go back to the house and wait for him?

Doorbell Buzzes 1

-just a minute. - [ Doorbell Buzzing]

justa minute!

Hi, Emily.

Lefry!

Jerry, are you back? Are you really back?

- I don't believe it! - Yeah, I'm glad to be back too.

Boy, a month in Tahiti is a long time.

Well, come on in. Let me take a look at you.

Jerry, you're awful fuzzy.

Yeah, I got a bottle of coconut wine for you and Bob.

- Let's open it up. - Oh, dear, how sweet.

Gee, I'm glad you're back.

Wait till Bob sees you. I mean, he won't believe it.

]er- Uh,jerry, how come you are back?

Oh. Courtney went off to Uganda. I didn't feel like going.

She thought Tahiti was too... plastic.

She said she'd wait for me in Zaire, but I didn't feel like going.

Well, you had a good time, didn't you?

Not really. I couldn't work over there.

- Why not? - There's no teeth.

Tahitians lose them in their teens, on purpose.

- They think it's attractive. - I guess you can't put braces on gums.

- Right. - Can you-

Oh, Bob. Bob, look who's here.

Hi, Bob.

'Jerry, is- is that you? - lfsjerry.

I knew you wouldn't go.

[ Mews]