Original subtitles

Well, uh, Mrs. Lockhurst, andjudge Lockhurst...

I think we had a real good day.

Yes. He only banged on the desk with your paperweight twice.

It's obvious what our problem is.

We should have never married in high school. I knew it wasn't gonna last.

Why don't we- Why don't we get into that next week?

Seventeen is just too young to know a person.

She said she'd fill out.

You never filled out.

- Well, you sure did. - [ Groans]

- Should I schedule another hearing for next week? - Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Bob, you remember Don, don't you?

Yeah. Hi, Don. How, uh- How are your feet?

Oh, as sore as ever. Hmm.

Pain and the poet. We trod the same path-

Tread... the same- Well.

- So, uh, that's how you earn your daily bread? - [ Mouthing Words]

- You know, life is a lot like a loaf of bread. - Really?

You know, it's like people are thin slices of life.

The crust, the caraway seeds, the crumbs-

They're all part of it.

- Don't you see it, Bob? - N-Now that you put it that way, yeah.

Oh, my writer.

Well, I gotta get back to the garret and start tickling the old Underwood.

Don, are you still writing articles...

for, u h, Pharmaceuticals Illustrated?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

My next article's called “Iodine, Schmiodine.“

Could be the most important cut-and-bruise article ever written.

- I'm sure it will be. - You

The only thing I can be sure of...

is this redhead over here.

- Huh? She's my sweet patootie. -[Giggling]

Yeah, a darn good little receptionist too.

Well, I'll see you later. Oh, listen.

Remember that little thing we discussed? It's our secret.

Absolutely. Bye-bye, Don.

Bob, guess what. I'm getting married.

Well, that- That's great.

-I know. - Uh, that wasn't by any chance the little secret?

Oh, it sure was- But I want it to stay that way.

- Bob, this is strictly between you and me. - Mum's the word.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, E-Emily isn't home.

Oh.

I'll, uh- I'll tell her later.

- Jerry, guess what. I'm getting married. - What?

It's true- But it's a secret, so don't tell anybody.

I don't believe it. Well, I-l mean, I believe it.

That's fantastic. Who's the lucky guy?

- Don Fezler. - You mean the guy with the feet?

[ Laughs] JerryJerry. He's more than that.

He's a writer. He's a creative, sensitive human being.

- Yeah, I know. The guy with the feet. - Right. The guy with the feet.

That's terrific, Carol. Have you set the date yet?

- No, not yet. - Good. Well, I mean, we got plans to make.

Gifts to buy, halls to rent. You mind if I tell Bob?

- He already knows, but he's the only other one. - Right.

- Carol, you waited, but you got yourself a real winner. - Oh, thanksJer.

A real loser, Bob. We can't let Carol marry that guy.

Fine. We'll kill him.

Bob, you know what I mean. He's the dregs.

He's the bottom of the barrel. He's nothin'.

Don't get me wrong. I like him, but, uh, he's not right for Carol.

Well, he's all right. He'sjusta little vague.

I mean, anyway, it's Carol's decision.

I've never seen her so happy and bubbling over.

Oh,yeah, she's a regular Ronald McDonald.

That doesn't mean she knows what she's doing, Bob.

I mean, the guy's out of work half the time-

And what happens if he loses thisjob?

With those feet, how's he gonna stand in the unemployment line?

L-I understand this new cut-and-bruise article of his...

is supposed to open up a lot of new doors for him.

Come on, Bob, we can't let this happen. We gotta head it off.

- Without killing him. {Knocking}

Well, what are the plans?

Which plans? P-Plans,yeah.

Uh, well, I'm gonna throw this big engagement party...

- for you and Don at my place next, uh, Tuesday. Jerry, thank you. Thank you.

- What's Don's favorite food? - Anything.

Aha.

I get it. We're gonna poison him.

What do you think?

Well, the O.K. Burger Corral, so far, is, uh, okay.

It's clean and attractive, and it has a cute theme.

If the food's any good, I'll give 'em a good review.

Wow. My girl's a newspaperman.

[Chuckles]

Gosh. Three weeks on the Herald...

and already you're doing your first hamburger feature.

With my own byline. I just can't decide on the title.

Well, I still like the sound of“Chopped Meat ls My Beat.“

We should get great service- You know, because they want a good review.

Oh, Howard, I don't want them to know they're being reviewed.

I just want to be treated like a regular customer.

All right, here's your menus.

Make sure you're ready to order when I get back.

“Service... surly.“

Look at this. All the hamburgers are named after famous cowboys.

Thejessejames Burger.

The Buffalo Bill Burger.

You know, I may have the Earp Burger.

Well, Bob only likes his hamburgers with mustard...

sol think I'll order him a Yellow Belly.

All right, who's gonna open?

Uh-

Check to you, Howard.

I'll have the, uh-

uh, Hickok Burger...

and a Billy the Kidney Bean Salad.

I'll have a Grub Stake Burger with Doc Hollandaise sauce.

Yeah, and I'll have a Yellow Belly and, uh-

What's your name for a plain tuna fish sandwich?

Tuna fish sandwich. That's a good name for it.

- Howdy, partner. - Smile when you say that, Howard.

It's an interesting place.

- I'll be the judge of that. - Oh, that's right.

We're having dinner with Lois Lane tonight, aren't we?

Howard, will you go to the men's room?

I don't have to.

No, but I need you to check it out so that I can review it.

Emily and I have already checked out the Schoolmarms' Room.

Ah. I get it. Research.

- What do I look for? - Tumbleweeds.

So, what's new at the office?

Oh, not much. I got a new parking space...

the coffee machine's out of order and Carol's getting married.

- You're kidding. - No. Uh, parking space number 17.

No. Who's she getting married to?

Oh. Oh, that. Uh, Don Fezler.

- Oh, no, Bob. Not the guy with the feet. - That's right.

- What's wrong with his feet? - Well, they don't work right.

Kind of like the rest of Don.

You knowJerry had the same reaction.

I mean, Carol's the only one who doesn't think she's making a mistake.

- Maybe she's running scared. - Oh, but hobbling through life with Don...

is certainly not the answer.

Well, he couldn't be any worse than most of the single guys you meet.

It's a jungle out there, Bob. I was really lucky to find Howard.

It's that tough, huh?

- It's tough and it's cold. - You haven't even tasted it yet.

No, I- I didn't mean-

That's okay. I just work here.

“Service- extremely surly.“

Wow! That Gunfighter Room is really terrific.

You know, they carried the cowboy theme right in there. You should see it.

- How was it? - Perfect.

Except, uh, one saddle was out of order.

Hey, I really like what you guys have done with your apartment.

It's a lot nicer than what it used to be.

Th-Thank you.

Uh, Don? This isn't our apartment. lt'sjerry's.

On. Who's Jerry?

My friend from the office- The orthodontist.

The guy with the nose?

Don, I couldn't help noticing your sandals.

Oh,yeah. You like 'em, huh?

Yeah. They're called Dirt Shoes.

- How's it goingJimmy? - lfsjerry.

Oh. Right. Right. It's a very nice party.

Oh, thank you. I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

- It's a shame that more of your friends couldn't come. - Hey, no sweat.

What are friends anyway?

My friends are the trees-

The wind that whispers.

And, of course, Lou Benson, but I haven't seen him since the seventh grade.

- Can you believe that clown? -jerry, I don't know why you call him a clown.

Just because he, uh, he walks funny...

and his pants are kind of baggy and...

people laugh at him, I mean, that doesn't mean he's a clown.

Well, those are some very good reasons.

I guess what Bob means- He's not wearing a red rubber nose.

Bob, you're absolutely right.

I've never seen Carol look so happy.

Uh, Don is a little strange.

- [ Chuckling] Oh. - You too, Ellen?

I mean,just give the guy a chance.

I like Don. Makes a lot of sense to me.

Then again, maybe I'm wrong about Don.

You know what he said when I told him I was a navigator?

He said, uh, “Life is ajetliner.

“You've got your ups. You've got your downs.

“And whatever you do...

try to get a window seat.“

- That is kind of beautiful. - Thank you, Bob.

Hey, uh, everybody. Uh-

Everybody, could I, uh, have your attention here a minute?

Oh, hey, that's kind of expensive.

Yeah, it's nice.

Listen, I'm, uh- I'm gonna be marrying, uh-

- Carol. - Uh, Carol here.

Anyway, I don't want any minister putting words in our mouths.

I don't want, uh, any rings.

We don't even want a wedding cake.

- How about a gift? - Well, we're not fanatics.

Anyway, uh, this is what...

I'm going to be saying to Carol at the wedding...

and I'cljust like to kind of bounce it off of you.

Don, honey, maybe these people aren't interested.

Oh. Well, whoever doesn't want to hear it can leave.

I mean,you know, we're not bulls in a pen.

I mean, we can come and go.

Anyway, I'm glad you've all...

decided to stay, and here's what it is.

“Now we're young and firm of flesh...

“and our love will endure...

“even as we grow old and our hair falls out...

“and ourjaws grow slack...

“and our skin becomes wrinkled and loose...

- and ourjoints begin to“- - Don. Don. Don.

- Honey, I think that'll be enough. Thank you. - Was that too sentimental?

- Uh, yeah. - Well, that's only the first draft.

-I know. - [Jerry] I'm gonna get some ice.

Yeah, well, I think we gotta go too.

- Come on, Howard. - Yeah, well, it was nice seeing you, Don.

Oh, yeah. it's my pleasure. Listen, uh-

Good luck with your writing career. Send me a copy of that article.

- Well, it's just about hamburgers. - Life is a hamburger.

I thought you said life was a jetliner.

No. It's a hamburger.

Fry some of the fat away, take a couple of bites-

it's gone.

And so are we.

- Bye-bye. - Nice talking to you.

- Bye. - Well, what do you think, Bob?

It, uh, could be a hamburger.

Then again, it could be ajetliner.

Well, we'll get back to you on that, Don.

- Good night. Good night, Carol. - Night.

- Night. - Well, we might as well be on our way too, huh, baby?

Uh, Don,we really should helpjerry clean up.

Oh, I wish I had time, but I-

I mean, I gotta get my feet in some hot water.

And besides that, I'm really tired.

I know, I know. Listen. You go on, and I'll call you in the morning.

I can't leavejerry with this mess. You go on.

- You're fantastic. - Oh.

Imagine what F. Scott Fitzgerald could have done...

if he'd have had you instead ofZelda.

Bye.

- Where'd everybody go? - Well, Don had to soak his feet.

- Where? Jerry.

- Not here, at home. - Oh, yeah.

- Come on. I'll helpyou clean up. - No, don't bother with that.

The cleaning lady will get it in the morning. Sit down.

- So, old Carol's gonna get herself married, huh? - Yeah.

I'm gonna take that great big step with that terrific guy.

- Isn't he somethingJerry? - Yeah, he's really something else.

- Carol, I'm gonna hate to lose you. - Aw. I'll be around.

Yeah, but it won't be the same.

HeyJerry, you know, maybe you and-

Uh, Carol, that never happened.

No.

Well, neither did this.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- HLJerry. You waiting for a bus? - Oh, hi, Bob.

No, I just came into the office early to catch up on the sports.

- Oh. Come on in. - Oh, yeah, sure.

Thought you played, uh, played tennis every Wednesday morning.

Oh, do I, Bob?

Every, uh- Every Wednesday for the past three years.

Oh, really, Bob? [Chuckles]

- What's that? - Oh, this is called the Breakfast Sizzler.

It's a...

hamburger with an orange slice on a bran muffin.

I promised Ellen I'd review it for her.

Boo.

Bob, you'll never guess what happened last night...

between Carol and me after you left.

- What happened? You get involved? - Boy, did I ever.

- You're- You're kidding. - No, and I don't even know whyl did it, Bob.

I mean, there we were, alone in my apartment.

I was sitting here. She was sitting there, about where you are.

I looked into her eyes, and all of a sudden I-l couldn't think straight.

The hair on the back of my neck got all bristly.

Then I... touched her.

- Then some strange feeling, Bob. I didn't know what- Jerry?

L, uh-l don't think we should go any further.

Bob, there was passion. There was chemistry between us.

I mean, we had a real relationship.

]e_rry, you mean you're In love with Carol?

Oh, no. Nothing like that.

Wh-Wh-What's love, Bob?I mean, love's a word. Who knows what love is?

- Don probably does. - Don!

Maybe that's why I did it. I just don't want Carol to marry that guy.

- Well, are you gonna marry her? - No, I'm not gonna marry anybody right now.

Then you gotta let her go. I mean, Don's made a commitment, and you haven't.

Are you kiddin'? It's not gonna be easy after last night tojust get rid of her.

I mean, she's crazy about me, Bob.

Okay.

- Here we are. - [Knocking]

- Coming. - [Chirp/mg]

lust a minute.

justa minute.

- Oh, hi, Carol. - Hi, Emily.

Uh, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, but shouldn't you be at work?

Yeah, I should be, but I've got something on my mind...

and I've gotta talk to somebody...

who isn't holding a duck.

Oh. Well, Lucky and I don't have to be in class for a few minutes.

What is it? Is it something about Don?

Uh, no, no, no. It's aboutjerry.

- [ Chirping Continues] - Oh?

Yeah, I stayed, uh- I stayed at his apartment...

for a little while after everybody left last night.

- Oh. - And, you know, things just sort of happened.

- U h-h u h. - I'm not gonna bore you with the details.

No, well, you know- Whatever you feel.

I'm just trying to think why I consciously threw myselfatjerry.

Well, Carol, I know so little about it.

It couldn't have been a romance, could it?

Well, I don't know. I mean, that depends on what went on.

-I mean, a little or a lot? - [ Chuckles] Really, it's not important.

Oh, it didn't mean that much. I mean, uh-

You know what's important here is that I'm engaged to Don, right?

- Right. - Then why am I fooling around withjerry?

Emily, I have a bona fide marriage proposal here.

Well, look, Carol. You don't have to worry. I mean, there's no rush.

Carol, I didn't get married till I was almost 30.

Wonderful. Then I won't worry until two years ago.

Carol, there is absolutely no panic.

Ah, yes, there is, Emily. Yes.

Listen. I want a full marriage, complete with children.

- And that can take time. - Well, I know.

Can't you see why I need your advice, and why I'm in a hurry?

Well, Carol, I-

I-I really don't know what advice to give you.

- Oh. Okay. - [ Chirping Continues]

I'll ask the duck.

Carol, look, there is one thing I'm sure of...

and that is that you should not marry anybody...

unless you're absolutely sure that you're in love with him.

Well, I'm not really in love withjerry.

- Well, are you in love with Don? - Oh, I don't know.

I guess maybe. [Chuckles] I mean-

Well, he is a little possessive sometimes...

and when you get right down to it, he can be annoying and I guess a little boring.

What do you think of him?

- Carol, you really want to know? - Oh, I do. Now you be honest.

Well, I never did think Don was right for you, and I do agree with you.

I mean, he's boring and he's annoying and-

Uh, did you say “insensitive“?

- No. - I thinkyou should add that.

Just a minute, Emily.

Do you thinkyour marriage is such a bargain?

He is not a perfect person, Bob.

- Oh. - Listen. This is a man-

[Ringing]

Hello. Dr., uh, Robinson's office.

Ricky- Uh, Ricky Rasmussen.

Justa minute.

Uh, yeah, he's with Dr. Robinson right now.

Yeah, I can get a message to him, Mrs. Rasmussen.

“Ricky, you- You did it again.

You left without feeding the dog and making your“-

M-Mrs. Rasmussen? Yeah, could you slow down just a bit?

I don't take shorthand.

R-Reached the end of your rope.

Best years of your life.

L-I don't know what's wrong with kids today either, Mrs. Rasmussen.

All right, I'll get it to him. Good-bye.

Not as easy as it looks, huh, Bob?

Oh, glad to see you. I was beginning to wonder if you were ever gonna show up.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I was talking to Emily.

- Oh. Anything important? - No, no, no.just my life.

Yeah, I was talking tojerry about the same thing.

Bob, now what happened between Jerry and me doesn't change anything.

It, uh, sure fooled him.

Well, I guess I better talk to him, huh?

- Yea h. - [ Phone Rings]

[Ringing Continues

You gonna get that?

Yeah. Sure.

Hello?

N-No, he hasn't come out yet, Mrs. Rasmussen.

You- You wanna add something? Okay.

He'll have children of his own one day.

I'll get that message to him. Right. Good-bye.

Oh, uh-

Ricky, you wanna read that?

Kids today.

Listen, I, uh-

I'll buzzjerry, and I'd appreciate it...

if you'd go in my office and settle this as soon as possible.

- Hmm. - And, uh...

show me how to buzzjerry.

H-H-Hello?

[Jew] Yeah, Bob? Who's next?

Uh, you're nextjerry. Can you come out here a minute?

Sure.

Well, I'm gonna call everything off, Bob. I just need more time.

You know what you're, uh, you're gonna say to him?

I don't know exactly what I'm gonna say...

but I'm sure when I sit in your magic chair...

it'll all come together.

Yeah, Bob, what's up?

Uh, Carol's in my office. She wants to talk to you.

- Oh. Uh, she was pretty shook up, huh? - A little.

Well, love can do funny things, Bob.

Don't worry about it.

I'll let her down real easy.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Hey'.!

How come you're sitting on my little Miss Muffet's tuffet?

She's, uh- She's using my tuffet.

Oh.

Oh, I get what you're doing.

- You switched places. - I'll tell Carol you're here.

Oh, there's no rush.

I just dropped by to, uh, show her the new draft on the vows.

- Hey, hLJimmy. - Hi, Don.

- UhJerry, is, uh, everything okay? - Yeah?

Oh, yeah, it's fine, Bob. She took it just great.

- Hi, baby. - Hi, Don.

- Bob, could I use your office for another talk with Don? - Yeah, sure.

- Wait till you read the second draft of the vows. - Oh, uh, Don?

- H u h? - When you and Caro/are finished...

uh, talking, I have a...

free hour if you, you know, just wanna stay in there.

- Why would I wanna do that? - I don't know just-just a hunch.

[Ringing]

Dr. Robinson's office.

Yeah, he's on his way home, Mrs. Rasmussen.

I know he's very tough to handle.

Look at it this way. Life is a- a hamburger.

There you are. Chew it slowly.

If you're thirsty, there's your water.

And if you're not, just let it roll off your back.

[Chuckles]

- You know, it's a heartwarming scene. - Hmm?

A man, his wife and their duck.

Except it's not our duck. It belongs to the school.

- Then why doesn't he live there? - Because thejanitofs afraid of ducks.

You know, I looked all through the paper...

and I can't find Ellen's article...

- and I was sure it was in today's paper. - Oh, dear.

I hope it's not the section I lined Luckys cage with.

- I'm afraid it is. - Oh.

“Chicago's Best Burger Bets.“

Oh. How'd the O.K. Burger Corral do?

Which one do you want first...

Ellen's opinions, or the duck's?

[ Mews]