Original subtitles

Oh, Bob, you really look spiffy.

- Who died? - What do you mean by that?

Well, you only wear that suit to funerals and, uh...

every time your first book is published.

Oh, is a book coming out today? I'd forgotten.

Oh.

Anyway, it isn't a book, Emily. it's just a chapter in a book.

So don't make any big deal out of it.

Is that why you're taking a bottle of champagne to the office?

Well, I thought the, you know, the publisher might stop by with a book.

And there might be photographers. You know, that kind of nonsense.

But it's not nonsense.

I mean, you're an author.

You know, that's right. I'm an author. I'm gonna be published...

right along with some of the most respected psychologists in America.

Bob, you know, lam so proud of you.

- You should be. - Yeah.

Well, while you're drinking your champagne and having your picture taken...

I think I'm gonna go get a new bathing suit for Hawaii.

What's wrong with the old one, the one with the pleats?

Bob, they're not wearing that these days. This is what they're wearing.

Oh, my God.

Well, those are new string bikinis.

It just seems like there isn't enough, uh, string.

All right. I'll get a regular bikini.

Or would you rather I got a one-piece?

Well, as long as you're buying a bikini, you'd oughta get both pieces.

And don't forget, Emily...

it is a psychologists' convention...

and psychologists can be a little stodgy, you know?

Yeah, I know.

Listen, as long as you're going out to buy one...

buy the best-looking bikini you can find.

- Even a string? - Yeah, but remember, you are married to an author...

andjust try to keep in mind what Mrs. Freud might have worn.

Jerry, I'm really glad you're here. I need you.

That's what all the women say.

- Just help me tie the knot, please. - Yeah, they say that too.

- Thank you. - Feels kind of cheap. It's not for me, is it?

No, it's for Bob. Our book is coming out today.

Our book. What do you mean, our book? It's Bob's book.

- What did you have to do with it? - I typed it, didn't I?

-I mailed it. - Big deal.

- You're just jealous. - jealous?

What have I got to bejealous about?

Because Bob wrote a 20-page chapter in some obscure psychology book?

[Chuckles] I mean, it's not like he invented Lavoris or something.

Jerry, you're not gonna soft-pedal this.

This is an important day, and you are not gonna ruin it for me and Bob.

- How can you make such a big deal over nothing? - [ Elevator Bell Dings]

Author! Author! There he is! Hey, Bobby!

How does it feel to be a big-time writer?

- Jerry, let's not blow this out of proportion, okay? - Blow this out of proportion.

Get him, Carol. The man is trying to soft-pedal the fact that he wrote a book.

GeeJerry, I thought it was only a chapter.

Champagne!

That's just in case, you know, the coffee machinejammed.

It's very thoughtful of you, Bob. And here's a little gift from the two of us.

- Thank you very much. - No, no, no, please don't thank me, Bob.

All I did was pick it out, wrap it and pay for it.

I'm gonna chip in for it if I like it.

It's a flashlight.

That's- That's what I thought it was, yeah.

I'm not gonna chip in for that.

Carol, what's it for?

Well, Bob, you know, when it gets dark...

you push that, and the light comes out, uh-

- Oh. - Why don't I get some glasses for the champagne.

I'll open it.

Well, Bob, this is your big clay. You're a literary giant.

Look,jerry, I'm just a contributor.

- Dr. Murray Kalisher put the whole book together. - Oh, yeah? Who's that?

Dr. Murray Kalisher. He wrote the most famous book on hypnosis ever written.

Oh, yeah? Did you read it?

I started to, but I got drowsy, you know?

I don't know what it is around here, You can't find any regular glasses.

I got these from Tupperman's lab.

Uh, Carol, why don't we just use the paper cups?

- He's here! - Hey, are you Dr. Kalisher?

No, I'm Milt. I'm supposed to deliver this to a Dr. Robert Hartley.

- Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, here it is! - I'm supposed to collect 6.95.

Sure, pay him, Bob, will ya?

I thought they send you one free copy.

Well, Bob, they probably wanted to get the sales off to a good start.

- Come on,jerry, open it up. - Okay, okay, here it is.

“The Big Couch: Seventeen Psychologists on Psychology.

Edited by Dr. Murray Kalisher.“

Look at that list of names. There he is!

- Where? Where? - “Dr. Murray Kalisher, Director of Hypnotherapy.

“University of Chicago. Chairman of the American Hypnotherapeutic Association.

- B.A. Amherst. M.A. Stanford. Ph.D. Columbia.“ Wow!

- There's Bob! - Where?

“Robert Hartley, Chicago, Illinois.“

You went to college, didn't you, Bob?

- Jerry, let me see the book. - No, no,just in a minute.

- I wanna find your chapter here. - Me too!

- Me too. - Me too.

Here it is. “The Importance of Office Furniture in Psychology.“

Starts on page 68, and ends on page...

69.

Two-

- Two pages? - Honest, Bob, I mailed all 20.

Let me see the bookJerry.

It's two pages.

I guess office furniture isn't the be-all and end-all after all.

They cut out desks and paintings and throw rugs.

The only thing that's left is chairs.

Well, Bob, they probably ran out of space, right? They probably cut everybody down.

Yeah, they cut Dr. Kalisher down to 148 pages.

You know, I'm really upset about this.

I know how you feel. I just got my pant leg caught in my bicycle chain.

Well, I like it, Bob.

I mean, I really do. Even though it's two pages...

it's still the best chapter in the book.

I mean, it leaves you wanting more.

He didn't want any more from me.

Oh, Bob, it's good. I mean, it's real good. Ellen, you read it.

- You tell him how good it is. - Oh, I'd like to read it.

I just don't understand how they could chop it up like that.

Oh, honey, there's still plenty left.

Hmm, well, I enjoyed it.

You, uh- You read it that fast?

Oh, well, uh, I couldn't put it down.

Uh, I thought everything you said made a lot of sense, Bob.

- See? - I mean, I never had any idea...

the loose pillow-backed traditional armchair...

was friendlier than a Danish modern love seat.

You thought it didn't matter, didn't you?

Oh, sure it matters.

It's just that, well, I would have thought it was just the opposite.

It isn't.

No, no, I know that now, and I'm glad.

Yeah. Well, I think this trip is coming atjust the right time, Bob.

You can put this book right out of your mind.

No, I can't.

Every psychologist in that book is gonna be on the plane to Hawaii.

I'll be lucky if they don't throw poi at me.

[Clicks Tongue] Come on now, Bob.

We're gonna have a good time.

I don't know what you're so anxious about.

You're afraid to fly as far as Dayton.

Yeah, but this is Hawaii. lfwe make it, it'll be worth it.

Boy, I'd love to go to Hawaii sometime.

- Well, you can take my place. - Oh, Bob...

whatever happened to that old Hartley quality of bouncing back after a fall?

What old Hartley had that quality?

You did. Don't you remember when we were little?

Well, the way you bounced back after your clog ran away.

You know, I still feel bad about that.

But old Shep will come back one day.

Old Shep would be over 4O now.

Yeah, but he'd still remember me.

Aloha!

What are you so happy about, Howard?

[Sighs] Hi. Well, I'll tell ya.

I'm happy because I've got good news.

Ellen, it took a lot of wheeling and dealing, but, uh, I did it.

Isn't that super?

Well, what do you think?

Howard, I'll know what to think when you tell me what you did.

Oh, didn't I tell ya? Well, uh, we're going to Hawaii together.

Oh,you mean, Bob and Emily are going to Hawaii.

No, we're going with them, We're all going together. Isn't that super?

- Us? - Yeah!

Oh, Howard, that's fantastic!

That's not the best news. Guess who's going to be your navigator.

- Who? - Me.

Isn't that super?

Uh, well, I, uh- I guess it is.

Uh, Bob, is it?

Doesn't make any difference to me.

Oh, honey, do you know what this means?

Oh, boy, I can take care of you right on the plane.

I can come back, and when you're cold, I can give you a blanket.

You know, when you're hot, I can turn on the air.

And when you wanna read, I can turn on the light.

And when you wanna go to sleep, I can turn off the light.

And, uh, well,you'll have to get your own pillow.

I'm not allowed to handle those.

And, you know, everybody will have peanuts, and I can get you macadamias.

[Chuckles] Honey, I don't like macadamias.

Does that mean you won't go?

No, Howard, of course I'll go. I think it's just the greatest thing in the world.

Oh, that's great. Oh, it's going to be the greatest trip ever.

- I'm gonna do so many things for you. - Uh, Howard-

Uh, how much do you plan to do for Ellen?

I mean, uh,you do plan to do a little navigating, don't you?

Oh, don't worry, Emily. It's going to be the smoothest trip ever.

Oh, I hope so.

- Bob, where are you going? - I'm gonna take the trash out.

And then I think I'll go look for old Shep.

I didn't write this book because Bob wrote a book.

I wrote it because kids need a good book about teeth.

- Uh-huh. - Besides, if Bob can write a book, anybody can.

I see. "Tooth Or Consequences...

- by Dnjerome Merle Robinson.“ - Right.

- Merle? - Right.

- Pretty. - [ Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hi, everybody. - Hey, hi. Listen, I'm sorry about Bob's book.

- Yeah. - Wanna read mine?

No. I really think that we just wanna see Bob.

So do I, but he won't come out of his office.

Oh, well, then we'll go in.

- Whatever you do, don't tell him I'm writing a book. - Oh, no, don't worry. We won't.

Aw, go ahead, tell him. What's the difference?

- Hi. Sorry to interrupt. - Hi, dear.

Oh, that's all right. I was just waiting for a call from The Tonight Show.

Uh, Bob, Ellen and I werejust shopping for a bathing suit for her...

and, uh, well, she's got a problem.

Did you try thejunior department?

That's not her problem, Bob. Ellen needs to talk to you.

- What about? - Well, it's about Howard.

- What about him? - Well, it's complicated.

- What is it? - He's ajerk.

That sounds simple enough on the surface.

Well,you see, Howard is ruining Ellen's trip to Hawaii...

because, well, he went there on his honeymoon...

and he thinks it's bad luck to do the same things with Ellen that he did with his first wife.

And, uh, there isn't very much they didn't do.

Well, it was their honeymoon.

He says that we can't go to Diamond Head orWaikiki.

Luaus are out. So is Maui.

Snorkeling, sunset cruises and breakfast.

Doesn't leave much, does it?

It leaves Molokai.

That sounds nice.

It's a leper colony, Bob.

The whole point is that I just do like to be told what I can and cannot do.

So, what should I do?

I would talk to Howard rationally.

Best way you can.

Words, Bob. I need the words.

Well, I'djust tell him in no uncertain terms that superstition is one thing...

but when it leads to dictatorial behavior...

it's counterproductive and harmful to a healthy relationship.

Well, he certainly should be able to understand that.

- I hope he does. - lfhe doesn't understand that, he's ajerk.

Well, it's all finished. The first draft is done.

Every word is a gem. And there's no way they can cut it.

Fifty dollars,jer. A buck a page. Get it up.

All right, all right, you'll get it. First I want you to read it to Ellen and Emily.

Oh, honey, I don't think we have time.

No, you've got plenty of time. Go ahead, Carol. Read it. Have fun with it, kids.

“Hi. I'm Tommy Tooth.

“Brush me. Brush me.

“Up and down.

Don't eat too many sweets.“

Bob, do you think we have too much luggage?

No, I think it's just about right if we plan to live in Hawaii permanently.

Well, I don't wanna weight down the plane.

Emily, believe me, a plane is one of the safest ways to fly.

Oh, Bob.

I wanna believe you. I mean, I really wanna believe you.

Hi, Hi, Howard.

Howard, is there something wrong?

Wrong? What could be wrong?

Here's your ticket, Bob. The one with “B“ is for Bob.

The one with “E-M“ is for Emily.

That's my way of identifying tickets.

See this- “E-L"?

That was supposed to be for Ellen.

We had a terrible fight, and now she's not going.

See this- “N-G“- not going.

Oh, Howard, that's a terrible shame.

Yeah, T.S.

- Howard, we're really sorry. - Why? How should I know why?

Shejust flew off the handle. She's talking crazy.

I mean, she called me superstitious, dictatorial...

and counterproductive.

I didn't know what she meant till she called me ajerk.

- Now she's not going, and I don't wanna go. - Howard, you have to go.

- You're the navigator. - I don't care.

Well, Howard...

we ca re.

Oh, that's because you're my friends.

We have better reasons, Howard.

Look, don't worry. I can fly that plane with my eyes closed.

[Groans]

But you aren't planning on doing that tonight, are you, Howard?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter. I've seen the weather report.

You won't be able to see anything anyway.

Oh!

But they do have radar, don't they, Howard?

Yeah, if you wanna count on it.

You'd be better off to stick your head out the window...

and listen for the ukulele music.

Uh, listen, Bob.

Why don't we take a later flight? You know, later in the year.

Emily, don't worry. Howard's gonna be all right. Right, Howard?

Yeah, I'll be all right, as soon as I finish this drink.

- Oh, Bob. - Howard, we're taking offin two hours.

- You can't have a drink. - Oh, yeah, that's right.

Boy, I'm gonna teach Ellen a lesson. She's gonna miss us when we're gone.

While we're gone.

I, uh- I hate to say this, but it's time to go.

I'm not going.

Emily, don't be silly. Howard will pull himself together. Right, Howard?

Yeah, let's get the hell outta here. Okay?

Emily, you're doing just fine.

You can take your hands off the armrests. We've been up over an hour.

Emily,just try to relax.

No, I am relaxed, Bob.

You know, Bob, we've had a good marriage.

And it's gonna get better.

Everything is fine. We're still heading west.

I don't care where we're headed, Bob. I wanna get off.

In this weather?

Look, Emily, no one else is afraid.

Well, they don't know the navigator.

That isn't it at all. They're highly respected psychologists.

They're mature, sophisticated people.

Excuse me. Does scissors cut rock or does rock break scissors?

- Rock breaks scissors. - Thank you very much. Rock breaks scissors.

Are you one of us?

Well, I'm a psychologist if that's what you mean.

Oh, yeah? Well, where's your shirt?

- I was saving it for Hawaii. - Oh.

I'm Dr. Rimmer.

- Oh, uh, Bob Hartley. - Oh, Hart- Hartley.

Oh, you're the one whose chapter was, uh-

Actually, it was-

Now you see? He's relaxed.

Bob, I can't relax, as long as I know Howard is in that cockpit.

Well, relax. He isn't in the cockpit anymore.

What?

He's probably on his way to the restroom.

Then why is he fondling that empty seat?

Bob, get Howard back in the cockpit.

- Right. - But don't leave me.

I'll get someone to sit next to you.

Uh, Madeline? Madeline?

- Hi, Bob. - Emily, this is Madeline. Murray Kalishefs wife.

- Oh, hello. How are you? - Fine. Fine.

Oh, I'm sorry about your chapter, Bob.

That's all right.

Would you mind sitting next to Emily for a few minutes?

- She's a little nervous about the trip. - Really? [ Laughs]

My dear, there is absolutely nothing to it.

Look at me. I'm not the least bit frightened.

I know. I wish I could be that way. How do you do it?

I'm hypnotized.

Murray puts me under just to make things easy for me.

Then when the trip is over, he snaps his fingers and I wake up.

- Oh, I wish I were hypnotized. - Oh, you don't need it.

Neither do I really. I just love traveling like this on the train.

Howard, what are you doing back here?

Uh, this is it, Bob, 8-13.

It's the best seat in the house.

See that headrest?

That's where Ellen's head would have been resting.

Howard, you have a big responsibility here.

Yeah, I know, Bob. For a while, I felt like bailing out, but I'm okay now.

Well, I thinkyou made the right choice.

No, I'm really okay, Bob. Everything- That's Ellen's seat!

I'm sorry. I didn't realize this seat was taken.

- It's okay, Murray. - Hi, Bob.

Bob, is he all right?

He's not the pilot, is he?

- Uh, no. - Good.

- The navigator. - Not good.

Doctor, is that man under your care?

No, we'rejust friends. We're having a little chat.

Well, if you ask me, your friend is suffering severe flight fatigue...

- bordering on psychosis. - Now wait a minute, Rimmer.

That might be a little extreme.

- Murray, the guy is wacko. - Sorry.

But I think we'd better let Bob handle it.

- Him? - Professional courtesy, Rimmer.

- This is the guy whose chapter was, uh- - Shh. Shh.

Howard, sit down.

Howard, Ellen still loves you, Howard.

Why isn't she here?

Howard, let me try to explain the way I think that she feels.

Remember I told you the story about my dog, old Shep.

He ran away when I was a kid.

- Yeah. - Well, we got another dog.

A new Shep.

I didn't wanna lose him,you know? Sol chained him in the backyard.

I wouldn't let him run. I wouldn't give him any freedom, you know.

I wouldn't let him be a dog.

I was afraid I'd make the same mistakes I had made with old Shep.

- That's smart, Bob. - No, Howard, it's dumb.

Because the dog hated me. And the first chance he got, he ran away.

I bet you won't do that with your next dog.

Now, Howard, the point is you can't keep Ellen chained up.

You gotta let her run. Let her bury her bones.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, Bob, I know what you mean.

Look, I'd like to talk dogs with you...

but I gotta go and get back to work.

Howard, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'll bring this plane in just like that.

[Snaps Fingers]

Murray! Murray, call the conductor! The train is flying!

- Did the mail come yet? - ltjust got here.

- Here's a postcard from Bob. - Hey, read it.

“Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here.“

Isn't that sincere?

Hey, here's something for you.

- Hey, it's from my publisher. - Maybe it's your rejection notice.

- Three pages long. - Oh, read it.

[Sighs] “Sorry... not... interested.“

[ Mews]