Original subtitles

- Here you go. - [ Muffled] Oh, thank you, Howard.

- What'd you say? - I said, thank you, Howard.

You're welcome.

[ Muffled] Bob! Will you stop doing that?

I mean, can't I just smile and say “cheese“?

But these- these are candids. Candide are better.

They tell a story.

What story are you trying to tell? A woman has a heart attack in her doorway?

No, no. A very attractive woman comes home...

so loaded with groceries, she has a bag in her mouth.

Cute. It tells the story of cute.

It's not cute, Bob, and it's getting on my nerves.

You know, for the last week, I've been afraid to take a shower.

You don't have to worry. I'm not gonna get this baby wet.

I wish you would. Then you couldn't use it anymore.

Emily, if you didn't want me to take pictures, why did you buy me a camera for my birthday?

I didn't thinkyou'd go berserk.

Bob, would you please stop focusing that for a minute...

and come in here and give me a hand?

You see, it's- it's a time exposure.

Yes, I know.

How come you got six steaks?

Because we're having six people for dinner tomorrow night.

We're having four. We're having Jerry and his date and you and me.

Yeah, and Ed andjanet Hoffman.

- Ed andjanet who? - Hoffman.

You know, that new couple that's teaching at my school. I told you about them.

- I don't know them. - That's the point, Bob.

I mean, I didn't think it would hurt to meet two new people.

But I know enough people.

I know, uh,jerry and Carol...

and Howard, Phil...

Pete Stegman.

- Did I mentionjerry? - Yep, you did.

- And every person you mentioned is single. - So what?

Well, I'd like to have some married friends for a change.

I mean, I'm not interested in the same things single girls are interested in.

- What are they interested in? - Single men.

All right. Well, call the Hoffmans. We'll audition them.

Great.

And if you don't like 'em, you can just start popping flashbulbs in their faces...

and they'll go home.

- [Knocking] - It'; me, Howard Can I come in?

-just a second. - Okay?

Okay, Howard.

We'll, uh- We'll see you all next week then.

Boy, this is the pits.

Being kept after the session for being naughty.

Yeah.

We're probably the only people in history to ever flunk therapy.

Michelle, you're not flunking, I just wanted to talk to you and Mr. Carlin for a minute.

He's probably gonna smack our knuckles.

No, I- I just wanted to talk to you because recently...

I noticed our therapy sessions haven't been too productive...

because you and Michelle spend half the session fighting.

Did it ever occur to you we might need psychological help?

Speak for yourself.

See, there- there you go.

I mean,you insult Michelle, and Michelle insults you because she thinks you don't like her.

What's to like?

You don't mean that, Mr. Carlin. What don't you like about her?

Well, she's too sensitive about being overweight.

She's too fat.

Well, you don't help things by calling me“Lardo.“

That is kind of rough, Mr. Carlin. Why do you do that?

- I only did that a few times. - You've done it six times.

- Well, you'll tell everybody I wear a “toup.” - I don't have to tell anybody.

You can spot it a mile away.

Oh, yeah? Well, the guy at Mr. Hairpiece said it was undetectable.

Maybe from 30,000 feet.

Let me tell you what I think. I think the two of you like each other...

but you're afraid to admit it.

And these insults arejust a defense mechanism against rejection.

Boy, he knows you like a book.

You too, Mr. Carlin. You've got to drop these defenses.

You've got to learn to say to each other what you really feel.

Be honest. Say whatever comes off the top of your head.

What do you mean by that?

What I mean I-is that honesty is the only basis for- for a true relationship.

And you should try it.

You should tell each other the way you really feel.

If I said what I really felt...

I'd say you charge too much...

and your couch is uncomfortable.

But I could never tell you those things.

But, Michelle, you just did. And that's good, and I respect you for it.

Although, I always thought the couch was pretty comfortable.

I, uh- I hurt your feelings, didn't I?

No, not at all.

- I think we owe it to each other to be honest. - [Knocking]

Oh, Bob, excuse me. I thought your session was over.

It is. But I'm glad you came in, Carol.

Um, would you, uh, type up this letter...

and mail it out for me tonight?

Oh, gee, Bob, could I do it tomorrow?

I have a date tonight, and I wanna get my hair fixed.

Well, I really want it to go out tonight.

Give me a break, Bob.

All right. I-l guess I can type it myself.

Thanks, Bob. You're a boss and a half.

- You hypocrite! - What?

You didn't want Carol to leave early.

Not really, but, I mean,you know how difficult it is to get hair appointments.

I wouldn't know. I send mine out.

Look, the point is, either we all play honest, or none of us play honest.

Well, I could, uh-

I could type it up myself and have her mail it.

- Would that be all right? - It's not good enough for me.

How about you, Lardo?

I hope your rug falls in your soup.

All right, I'm, uh-

I'm gonna go out and talk to her right now.

I'll see you tomorrow, Bob.

Uh, Carol, I know this appointment is important...

but would you please type this up before you leave?

Oh, gee, Bob, your letter doesn't have a date...

with a 6'2“ linebacker tonight.

No, but, Carol, your hair doesn't have to be postmarked before midnight.

- Would you please type it up? - Oh.

Well, very well. I'll just cancel my appointment.

With any luck, my hair'll get mussed up anyway.

- Hey Bob, I was just com/Wm see you. - What's up?

I hate to cancel out like this at the last minute...

but we can't come to your house for dinner tonight.

You see, my date would feel compelled to make conversation...

and that's not really one of her strong points.

So we'rejust going to see The Great Gatsby instead.

I knew you'd understand, old buddy.

Jerry, I don't understand, and, to tell you the truth, I think it stinks.

That's what I've heard, but she's crazy about Robert Redford.

Say hi to Emily.

You're a lucky guy, Bob. Emily sure is a great cook.

I don't know how you do it. I just gotta get that recipe from you.

Well, there's really no recipe for broiled steaks.

Well, you must've done something special to make them taste that good.

No. I just, uh, tossed 'em in the broiler.

That's the trick- tossing them.

No, the trick is paying for 'em.

That's funny, Bob. You've got a great sense of humor.

- You both do. - Absolutely.

I didn't mean when I said that Bob had a great sense of humor that Emily didn't have one too.

- And vice versa. - Absolutely.

Uh, shall we?

I just can't get over how fantastic this apartment looks.

- Honey, you've gotta get the name of their decorator. - We did it ourselves.

Get their names, j anet.

You'd hate our place. It's so tacky.

Oh, I'm sure it's very nice.

Believe me, it's tacky.

Well, if you say it's tacky, it's tacky.

But you can judge for yourself when you come over.

We've gotta have you over, uh, often.

Absolutely, even though your place makes our place look sick.

And Emilyjust cooks circles around me.

But we'd still like to have you over.

Oh, well, sure. We'll get together again real soon.

- When? - Well, l-l'd have to look at our calendar.

- Tomorrow night's a good night for us. - I can't tomorrow night.

- Well, then what about Wednesday? - Bob has group on Wednesday.

- Oh, gosh, that's right. - Yeah.

Then it'll just have to be Thursday.

Uh, why don't I put on a fresh pot of coffee?

- Hey, Bob, do you mind if I take a look at your view? - Sure.

Our view is so tacky. But you'll see for yourself on Thursday, right?

- [ Phone Ringing] - I'd better get that. That could be for me.

Ed, doesn't their phone bell have a great tone to it?

Ed} Oh, it sure does, yeah.

H-Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.

What's the problem? No problem?

I don't recall your ever saying that to me before.

You're out with Michelle, and you think she's in love with you?

Gee, it's kind of hard for me to say when to make your move, Mr. Carlin.

I don't think getting her drunk would be the honest thing to do.

Right. Good-bye.

It's a fabulous view, Bob. Great patio furniture.

Are there any vacancies in this building?

I think there's a- there's a waiting list.

Oh.

- Emily, what do I say to these people? - You're doing just fine, Bob.

Just keep doing it until they leave.

We don't have any trash I can take out and stay with, do we?

Let's just be hosts.

Wow! ls- Is this an original?

No, it's a copy of a Rembrandt.

Oh. It really bears a striking resemblance to the original.

I guess that's why they call it a copy.

- Oh. - Well, anybody want some cake?

Oh, sure. If you made it, Emily, it's gotta be terrific.

- Uh, I bought it. - Smart. Why waste hours in the kitchen?

Listen, why don't we get Thursday night all straightened out?

Now, what time can we expect you?

Well, I don't know about Emily, but I-l can't make it.

- What are you doing? - I'm-I'm not sure.

I know I'm doing something.

Well, what?I mean, maybe we could meet you afterwards.

No, it's- it's gonna run real late.

Well, then why don't we meet you before?

It starts very early.

Well, what exactly is it, Bob?

Uh, nothing.

I'm not, uh- I'm not doing anything. But it's the, uh-

it's the only free night we have this week, and I don't wanna spend it doing this.

L-I mean, with anybody...

except Emily.

- What about Friday? - No.

Well, we are going to get together, aren't we?

- Well, of course we are. - No, we're not.

L- I just have the feeling that we're rushing things.

Oh. Well, what about Saturday?

You know, you're kind of forcing me to say this...

but I thinkyou're trying a little too hard to establish a friendship.

- Don't you like us? - Of course we do.

No, we don't.

I mean, maybe we do, but we'd like you better...

if- if you didn't come on so strong.

Well, Bob doesn't mean that you're coming on too strong necessarily. Uh-

Well, would anybody like some cake?

I'm gonna try to put this as tactfully as possible.

Um-

C-Could I have some cake?

I think we could all use some.

- I don't want any. - How about some coffee?

- I don't think so. - [Knocking]

- I'll get it. - I'll get that.

Hi, Bob. How about a game of chess-

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. - Come on in.

Uh, Howard Borden, this is Ed andjanet Hoffman.

And, Howard,you know Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Uh, Howard's a- Howard's a navigator...

on- on planes.

It's a fantasticjob.

As a matter of fact, Howard was just telling me the other day...

about a new, uh, guidance system.

I was?That's right, I was. But I didn't thinkyou were interested.

Of course we're interested.

Oh, uh- Well, it's, uh-

it's all self-contained in this little console unit.

It's, uh- It's kind of late. I think we ought to go.

Ed's right. It was a nice evening. Thanks.

- All the parts are imported fromjapan. - Thank you for coming.

I guess Saturday night's out, huh?

Come on,janet.

Anyway, Bob, it's really amazing. I mean, this little console unit-

Howard, not- not right now, okay?

Console unit-

What went wrong? I was so popular when I came in.

L, uh- I guess you're a little put out with me, huh?

Well, I, uh-l will admit some things were said tonight...

that were better left unsaid.

And, urn, I guess well over half of them I said.

You insulted our guests.

Oh, I-l know, and I feel terrible about it.

But, I mean, they practically forced me into it.

Excuse me. I'm gonna force myself to go to sleep.

Bob, here's your toy. Do you wanna take a picture of me feeling embarrassed?

I'm sorry, Emily.

It's just that no man can take all that flattery, especially when it isn't true.

I mean, they said you were the greatest cook in the world...

and the last word in decorating-

just keep digging that hole, Bob.

I guess it's just that in group, I'm so much involved in honesty right now.

Well, I'm glad you're not involved in shock therapy.

You probably would've stuck their fingers in the toaster.

Emily, they were trying so hard. They would've done anything to please us.

But I have to face those people at school every day...

and you should have thought of that before you started acting like Abe Lincoln.

All right. I'll call them up and I'll apologize.

Well, I don't want to talk about it anymore, Bob, because I'm going to bed.

- It's 9:30. - Well, that is your fault.

I mean, if you hadn't insulted them, they would have stayed later...

and it would have been 11:00 by now.

But I don't want to go to bed now.

Well, nobody invited you.

Plljust, uh, stumble around in the dark for a while.

Bob!

Sounds like you had a miserable evening.

- Yeah, I wish you were thereJerry. - Me too.

I could've had a steak...

been out of your place by 9:30, up at her place at 10:00.

I learned one thing, Bob. If you take a girl to see a Robert Redford movie...

you're not gonna get anything afterward but a sandwich.

Excuse me, Bob. Mr. Carlin and Michelle would like to say hi.

Oh, uh, have 'em come in.

Thanks a lot, Slats.

Dr. Hartley, boy, that's an ugly tie.

Startin' to turn on you, Bob.

His tie isn't as ugly as your sport coat.

I see.

- Come on, Slats. I'll take you to lunch. - Your rug is slipping, Elliot.

Hey! That's telling me.

Well, I can see that you two are, uh...

carrying this honesty thing right to the limits of good taste.

Darn right. We're callin' 'em as we see 'em.

I took Michelle to dinner last night, and I sent the wine back.

- He didn't even taste it first. - I didn't like the color.

- It was red. - Not red enough.

Sounds like you had a wonderful time despising everything.

Oh, yeah, and we owe it all to you.

You taught us to be really nasty.

Yeah, well, I thinkl went a little too far myself last night.

I insulted one of my guests by being a little too honest.

Maybe we should cool it a little bit.

Yeah. Be honest, but not too honest.

L-I think that would be the best.

Oh, ex- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Hi, Mrs. Hartley. Oh, we werejust leaving. - Oh.

That is the most beautiful outfit I have ever seen on anyone anywhere.

- Oh, thank you, Michelle. Thank you. - The hat's the worst.

I think we're looking for something a little in between that.

Well, in case you're wondering what I'm doing here on my lunch hour...

it's just that I have nowhere else to go.

- What do you mean? - I can't stay at school because Ed atjanet Hoffman are there.

I've been ducking them all morning.

Bob, I even used the little girls' washroom.

We used to have washrooms like that.

I remember those. They used to have the low sink and the faucet...

and you push it down, and it'd pop up before you could get your hands wet.

Paper towels all over the floor.

- Bob, I can't keep avoiding the Hoffmans. - Okay, I'll, uh-l'll call 'em.

I'd really appreciate that.

And I've also learned that, uh...

if you haven't got something nice to say to somebody...

you just shouldn't say anything at all.

Yeah, that's right.

- Well, shall we go to lunch? - That, uh- That really is a pretty outfit.

Oh, thank you. What about the hat?

Bob, maybe you didn't hear me.

Man On TV] It's 250 yards right in the middle of the fairway.

He'll be about an eight iron to the green.

It's a par four, 395 yards.

- Bob, what are you watching? - Classics of the Links.

Films of some of the best golf matches ever played.

This is Cary Middlecoff againstjulius Boros,1954.

Twenty-year-old golf reruns?

Classics.

You know, you're probably the only person in the country watching this.

Emily, I'm sure the owner of the station didn't say...

“Let's put on a program only one person will watch.“

Well, maybe you ancljulius Boros and Micldlecoff, whatever his name is.

Golf is very big on television. Take my word for it.

Next week, they're showing the Lloyd Mangrum-Ed Furgol1955 match.

Now, there's a match.

- What do you want for dinner? - I don't want anything. I'm too tired to eat.

Besides, I've already gone through a box of these Musical Munchables.

Want what's left of the tuba?

No, thanks. Why are you so tired?

We went to bed at 9:30 last night.

You went to bed at 9:30. I finally got to bed at 3:00 in the morning.

I had to fix the flash attachment on my camera.

- I stepped on it in the dark. - [Knocking]

Well, that's probably the TV station owner who wants to meet his viewer personally.

Hi, Emily.

May we come in?

- Of-Of course. - Hi, Bob.

Uh, listen, about last night, I was gonna call you.

I really shouldn't have been, you know, so-

- Rotten? - That's not true, Emily.

After we got home last night, we started talking about what Bob said.

Yeah, we had plenty of time to talk. It was only 9:30.

Yeah. Who goes to bed at 9:30?

Um, won't you, um-

- Are you sure it's all right? - Uh, please.

Uh, look, Bob, Emily...

we're new to Chicago, and we were probably...

a little too anxious to make some friends.

What you said to us last night took a lot of guts.

- Well, if you like guts. - Oh, I do.

- We both do. - You're not just saying that to be nice?

No, we like guts.

Well, it took a lot of guts to come over here.

I'm-l'm really glad you did, 'cause I wasn't looking forward...

to spending the whole year hiding in the little girls' room.

Oh, you didn't have to worry about hiding from us...

because we were hiding from you on the playground.

It wasn't worth it though. Some kid roller-skated over my pipe.

[Man On TV, indistinct]

Uh, look, Bob, why don't you turn off the television set...

and I'll just put on a pot of coffee.

Wait a second, Bob. ls that Classics of the Links?

- Yeah. - I thought so. That's me.

No, no, that's Cary Middlecoff.

No, behind Middlecoff, handing him the club.

That's me. I was his caddy.

Cary helped Ed get on the tour.

You-You were on the tour?

For two years. I made over... $600.

That's why I'm off the tour. But I'm still a scratch golfer.

- Wow. - You know, Bob plays golf.

- Yeah, I-l love golf. - Well, what's your handicap?

My arms are too short.

Bob, if your arms are too short, why don't you just use longer clubs?

That's, uh- That's kind ofajoke, Emily.

Oh. I-l don't know anything about golf.

No, actually, my handicap is 15.

I'd be better, but I have this bad slice, you know.

Oh. Well, gee, that's easy to fix.

I'd be happy to give you a few tips.

- You-You would? - Oh, sure.

Well, listen, there's an all-night driving range.

We could go over there right now.

I didn't mean tonight, Bob.

How about- How about tomorrow night?

Don't you think we're rushing things a bit, Bob?

I'm just kidding. Come on. Let's go. We'll see you later, girls.

- Okay. - Oh. AndJanet, make sure you don't say anything nice.

- You know Don Finstervvald? - Oh, sure.

- I haven't seen him in about 1 O years. - How about Al Besselink?

_A/; - How about some coffee, Emily?

Oh, sure. I'll put on a pot right now.

No, no. Uh, let me do it.

To be perfectly honest, you make the worst coffee I've ever tasted.

Oh! j anet Hoffman...

what a tacky thing to say.

- Gee, Bob, those are, uh, real good candid pictures. - Oh. Thank you.

I especially like the one of Emily taking the cake out of the oven.

It's a real interesting angle.

Yeah, I took that from on top of the refrigerator.

Hmm. No wonder she looks surprised.

Oh, here's a picture of me getting the cake off the kitchen floor.

Oh. Who's that withjerry?

Oh, that's his date and her pet hyena.

I guess the one that's smiling is the hyena.

You know, in a way, it's kind of true though.

It seems like lately,jerry's getting most of his dates from the zoo.

Hi, Bob. Carol, I'll be at your place at 7:30 tonight to pick you up. Be ready.

Right.

I'll leave my cage unlocked.

[ Mews]