Original subtitles

Ah, should we throw out Mrs. Dornhoffer?

No. I think she'll pay eventually.

Bob, when does eventually become never? As you can see, it's been over a year.

You know, I even forget what her problem was.

Why don't we keep her around for a while.

Hey, Carol, my new [ark and/ill come in yet?

Yeah. Here you are. Oh! Have you been a good boy?

Come on, come on, come on. How about the HumptyDumpzj/P

Uh,jerry, could you handle your own mail? We're kinda busy here, okay?

Yes,jerry. We are trying to straighten out the business affairs of Robert Hartley, lnc...

a nonprofit organization.

Deadbeats, huh? Bob, do yourself a favor, use my collection agency.

- Are you still with the Hammerlock Brothers? - No.

I got a new outfit- Dynamic Billing. Look, here's their brochure.

They'rejust as tough, but with a little more... finesse.

No. I, uh- I don't think so,jerry.

Wait a minute, Bob. What have you got against collecting your own hard earned money?

NothingJerry. I just- I just don't want people hounding my patients.

You know, a lot of them think they're being followed anyway.

Bob, Dynamic Billing does not hound. They just send out gentle reminders.

Like this is their nautical series. See what it says- “Pardon our tug.“

There's a picture of a little smiling tugboat gently nudging an ocean liner.

That's very clevenjerry. And the ocean liner's named 5.5. Oversight.

Yeah. Then- Then, you see, they bear down a little bit-

storm tossed seas, threatening skies.

- Then they hit you with this. - Torpedoes.

Read what it says.

“Down you go.“

- I don't think so,jerry. - Okay, Bob. You're the skipper.

- [Knocking] - Bob, Mr. Coultefs here.

Oh? Uh,yeah, s-send him in.

- Oh, andjerry, I found your HumptyDumpty magazine. - Good.

But it fell off my desk and broke.

- Hi, Bob. - Hi. Hi, Mr. Coulter.

L- I thought your, uh-your final session was- was last week.

It was. I'm not here as a patient.

I just wanted you to have this little gift of appreciation.

Oh. Thank you very much. Uh, there'll- there'll be a bill too.

Of course, Bob. That's just a little something extra. Go on, open it.

Oh, that's a-

that's a very handsome... cube.

- It's a leather paperweight. - “Ginchy“?

- Gucci. - Gucci.

Oh. That should, uh- that should really hold those papers down.

You know how much a Gucci paperweight costs?

- Well, I'm- I'm sure they've gone up. - 0/1, we/L.

It doesn't matter what it cost.

When I first came to see you, I would've tried to impress you by telling you it cost $35.

But I don't have to do that anymore.

Not since you got me to, uh- What is that psychological expression you always use?

- Uh, be yourself. - Right.

Well, I'm not here to impress you. I'm here because I think what you've done for me...

you can do for a lot of our executives at Loggers Casualty...

where, as you know, I, uh, happen to be president.

I remembered.

Bob, long story short.

I want you to come over to Loggers as our first company psychologist.

Well, that's, uh- that's very flattering, but I-

Ah, don't be too hasty. We can offer you a lot at Loggers.

Well, I've, uh, quite a lot here.

I have a- a good practice...

and a- a nice office.

Uh, my own hours.

A wonderful parking space.

Bob, if you come with us, you'll be making more money than you ever dreamed of.

Sandwich machine on the same floor.

[Sighs ] Well, uh, how do you like my bow tie? It's the Gatsby look.

- Or the Dagwood Bumstead look. - Yeah.

I guess Emily's on the way to see her parents, huh?

Yeah, she'll be in Seattle the day after tomorrow.

- Yeah. What anniversary, uh- What anniversary is it? - Thirty-seventh.

Yeah, that's really an important one.

I hope Emily has a safe trip. I don't trust trains.

Yeah, well, she, uh- she doesn't trust planes.

That's why she's taking two days to get there. She feels safer on a train.

Unless a plane falls on it.

Uh, look, Bob, I'm going out with my ex-wife tonight. I, uh, hope you don't mind.

Howard, w-why would I mind?

Well, we'rejust gonna talk about sending little Howie to summer camp, that's all.

- Howard, I said I didn't mind. - I know. I know.

It's just, you know, people get the wrong idea because we're going to eat at Armandds.

You know, we're going to be in our booth, in the back...

in the corner, in the dark...

with one little candle, just huddled in the shadows.

- Why'd you pick there? - She doesn't want to be seen with me.

She hates me. And I hate her. And I don't want to be seen with her.

Then you picked the perfect spot, Howard.

They've got this great, great little piano bar, and they always play our song.

[Phone Rings]

- [ Rings] - Hello?

Oh, h-hi, Mr. Coulter.

No, you didn't mention the amount, but it wouldn't make any difference.

I'm not gonna change-

That, uh- That much, huh?

Look, uh, Mr. Coulter, this is silly, 'cause l-l'm not gonna change my mind.

I have your number.

If I do, I will. But- But I won't.

But ifdo, I will. G-Good-bye.

What was that all about?

Oh, an insurance company wants me to go with them as their staff psychologist.

- Are you gonna take it? - No. I'm not gonna leave my practice in a lurch...

for a lot of money and a Mercedes.

They're gonna let you drive a Mercedes?

Well, actually, I-l wouldn't be driving.

They have a guy in uniform that does that.

Wow! How can you turn that down?

Howard, I get a lot of offers like that.

One time, the telephone company came to me...

and they, uh- they wanted me to be on their staff...

to try to get rid of the hostility in their operators.

Boy! I mean, this sounds like the perfectjob. I thinkyou should look into it.

Howard,just because something is perfect, that's no reason to look into it.

- Yeah, I never thought of that. - Anyway, I'm not gonna look into it.

[Rings]

[Rings]

Hello? Hi- Hi again, Mr. Coulter.

Uh-huh.

Wow,

Well, I-you know, I guess it wouldn't hurt to look into it.

Well, here it is, Bob, your office if you want it. Well, what do you think?

Well, it's, uh, very modern and yet-yet rustic.

Well, we're a modern company with a rich and rustic past. We want you to know more about it.

With a name like Loggers Casualty, some people think we insure lumberjacks.

We do, Paul. That's how we started.

Uh, sure, that's how we started. I meantjust lumberjacks.

Uh, Bob, uh, here's our founder, john Osborne McDonough.

When the Union Pacific Railroad was first being built, they needed a lot of rail road ties...

and plenty of loggers were being injured supplying them-

uh, broken fingers, smashed feet, uh, guys falling out of trees.

And when oldjack McDonough saw that, he knew something had to be done.

And what he said right then and there became our company's motto.

“We got to insure these guys.“

- And now we insure everything. - Not everything, Paul.

Not everything. But, uh, most things.

Dr, Hartley, as a psychologist, I think you'd be very interested in this.

Now look down.

Oh, it's, uh- I-it's beautiful.

That's Contemplation Pond. Every office in the building faces it.

Except mine.

That's 18 stories down.

Uh, it's very nice. But, I mean, it's very nice up here too.

Well, gentlemen, I don't thinkyou need me here.

I have some death projections that I have to get into.

Death projections are Susan's specialty. She's probably the best in the business.

Just by looking at you, she can tell you within a couple years how long you're gonna live.

- I'd say you were about 45. - That's exactly right.

- Aha. - Mm-hmm. And you will live to be-

Uh, really, I'd- I'd, uh- I'd rather be surprised.

Well, uh, why, uh- why don't we let Bob alone for a while.

- Let him relax in what we hope will be his new office. - Good idea, Charlie.

- Seventy-seven. - 0/1, u/z Bob.

just a reminder that we're not all work here.

I'm, uh, sorry. It's a fast carpet.

- Bob, could I talk to you a moment? - Uh, sure.

- Uh, Wes. - Right.

- Yeah. - I have a problem...

and I haven't been able to solve it by staring at Contemplation Pond.

Well, what- what- what is it?

Bob, I'm the youngest senior executive they've ever had here.

- That- That isn't the problem? - No. No, no, no.

The problem is everything's always come too easy for me.

I've- Fvejust kind of drifted along on my athletic ability...

my tousled good looks and my easy-going personality.

- You know the feeling. - Yeah.

And I'm gonna be president soon, and then it's gonna be up to me.

Well, Wes, how do you know you're gonna be president of the company?

I don't know.

L, uh- I just have a feeling.

And I know the pressure's gonna be terrific.

And, uh, I don't really know ifl'm ready for it.

Well, my advice would be, uh,you talk about it.

You know, I mean-l mean, you know, to someone.

I'd like to talk to you, Bob, whether you come with Loggers or not.

- Well, uh, thank you, Wes. - Welcome aboard.

Woman 1 Yes, Dr. Hartley?

Uh,would, uh-

w-would you mind if I called mywife long-distance?

Dr, Hartley, you can do anything you want.

Well, then I'd, uh- I'd like to call my wife long-distance.

Then let's do it.

Fine. The, uh- the number is, uh-

- We have the number. - Y-You do?

Be right back at you.

- [ Gasps] - You okay Dr. Hartley?

- Yes, l-l'm fine. - Mrs. Hart/e y is on line 72.

Th-Thank you, wherever you are.

Uh, honey? Yeah, uh, no, you're right. That wasn't Carol. I'm, uh-

I'm sitting behind my- my two-acre desk...

high atop the, uh- the beautiful Loggers Towers.

Well, it's, uh, kind ofan interesting problem with a nice bunch of people.

I, uh-l think, uh- I think I might take it.

Oh, I-l have some more good news.

On my, uh- On my 78th birthday...

you, uh-y-you don't have to buy me anything.

And, uh...

I never got one thing that wasn't a hand-me-down.

- I was the youngest of four boys and the heaviest. - Uh-huh.

I remember one time I got a pair of corduroy knickers that were bald.

They didn't even go, you know, “zip-zip-zip“ when I walked.

Well, of course, a lot of families hand down clothing to- to the younger kids.

-I mean, mine did. - Didn't you hate that?

Well, I was the oldest.

But I'm- I'm sure my sister didn't mind. But any-

Anyway, I mean, th-that's in the past. You don't get hand-me-downs anymore.

Oh, yeah? You wanna hear about my girlfriend?

Well, I'm afraid that'll have to wait till next week. Our time's almost up.

Oh, okay. Next Friday, same time, huh?

Oh, I'm gonna have to change your appointments to, uh- to evenings.

Oh, I don't like evenings. I don't feel nearly as up as I do now.

Yeah, well, you see. I'm taking a job with an insurance company during the day.

Sol guess I get left high and dry, huh?

Like a beached whale stuck on a sandbar...

baking in the sun, gasping for air.

[Gasping]

Well, I'm not sure it'll be that bad.

Uh, we'll just be meeting a little later in the clay.

Sure, after you're emotionally drained.

Excuse me, Dr. Hartley. I was wondering if you'd be through in a minute as I'll be leaving.

-Ina minute,yes. - Thank you so much.

I think they're, uh- they're planning a little surprise party for me...

because I'm-you know, I'm taking this- this new position.

Whoopee.

Same paww.

Well, I- I guess- I guess they're planning it for after you leave.

Uh, you're- you're welcome to stay if you want.

No, thanks. I'm going to my girl's house for dinner. She's serving me leftovers.

Well, I guess, uh- I guess I'm all finished.

I'll, uh- I'll be going home now.

Oh, great. I'll go with you.

Wait a second, Bob. Before you go, we got a little surprise for you.

- Oh? Oh, really? - It's only because we care so much for you, Bob.

We want you to get off on the right foot at Loggers.

It's really gonna be hard for us to let her go...

but we've decided to let you take Carol.

- You, uh- You did? - You did?

Yeah. We don't want to hear that you've been mistreating our girl.

Well, that's- that's very niceJerry, but I-l can't take her.

I mean, I-l know how much she means to you.

So, uh, I can't take her.

We insist, Bob.

It's just our way of saying, “Go get 'em.”

Yeah, but I-l planned to go get 'em, only without, uh- without Carol.

You see, they've, uh, already assigned me a secretary from the secretarial pond- uh, pool.

They did, huh? But we put a lot of thought into this gift, Bob.

I don't suppose this would be a good time to ask for a raise.

Carol, you're not mad, are you?

I don't want to talk about it.

But, Carol, y-you are needed, but you're needed... here.

Okay. All right. I'll just cancel out on the girl I promised Carol's job to.

Kathy won't mind.

We'll call her right now. Carol, would you dial my apartment?

Hi, Bob. How was your day?

Fine. How was yours, Felix?

Ah,just great. I thought since, you know, our wives and our sweethearts were out of town...

we could, uh-you know, we could have dinner tonight together, you know.

- L, uh-l already ate, Howard. - Good. Then I don't have to share this last hot dog.

- Mmm! - Boy, I'm really beat.

Oh,yeah, I can imagine. You know, spending all day at that Logjam place, you know.

- Loggers. - Yeah, yeah. And then going to your otherjob at night.

- Oh, your office called. - Which one?

The one withjerryin it.

Oldjerry. I guess he misses me, huh?

He wants to know if he can have your parking space.

- Oh. - I said he could have it.

Thanks.

I wish I could make some extra money. I don't know how I'm gonna pay for Howie's camp.

Oh, what did you finally decide on with the camp?

Well, uh, actually, I, uh-l didn't decide.

My, uh, ex-wife did. We're sending him to Camp Heidi in the Swiss Alps.

- That sounds expensive. - No, she said it's average.

$5,000.

Of course, that's for all ofjune.

And includes those, uh, little leather pants with the little leather straps.

- Lederhosen. - Yeah, those too.

Bob, uh, there's something I want to, uh...

talk to you about, Bob.

- It's about your- about your new job. - What about it?

Bob, I know how you are. I know how you are with people.

And you don't like to pressure them, you know.

So I want tojust say this right out front...

that, uh, I'm coming to you for my insurance needs.

Howard, I don't sell insurance.

I know. I know that's not your regularjob...

but, you know, it wouldn't hurt to pick up a little extra commission.

I don't get commission, Howard.

I know, but I need insurance.

I can't keep putting money in those little machines at the airport.

I mean, passengers, they're looking at me funny.

Howard- Howard, I don't even know your insurance needs.

Well, uh, let me see.

I usually put in about eight quarters.

Uh, that's just for me. 'Cause then there's- then there's Howie.

And, of course, if I get married to Ellen, I mean, she'll need protection.

All right. All right. Howard, I'll, uh, take down the information.

I'll give it to the, uh, sales department.

Now, what kind insurance do you need and how much?

Wait a minute, Bob. Don't push me. I don't like to be pressured.

Well, I-l thinkyou should say whatevefs on your mind, Paul.

How can I?I mean, I still feel funny about opening up in front of Mr. Greenfield.

- Hey, you can call me Wes. - Wes. But you're my boss.

In the first place, I'm not your boss. I'm your boss's boss.

But that doesn't matter. In this room, we're equal.

- But it's just not that easy- - That ends the discussion, Paul.

- Now do what Bob says. Say what you feel. - Yes, sir. Should I, Bob?

Yes. Wh-What we're after is total honesty here.

Okay. [Clears Throat]

Wes, I, uh-

Well, you know that I thinkyou're a really terrific sales division head...

- and an easy guy to know- - There! That wasn't so hard to say.

Uh, Dr. Hartley, while they're playing Kiss My Ring...

may I tell you-

- may I tell you about a dream that I had last night? - Well, sure. Go ahead.

She probably dreamt she was president of the company again.

- [Chuckles] Oh, that is a dream. - It's possible, Paul.

Uh, sure. I mean, she has a shot at it.

Yes. Well, I didn't dream I was president.

I dreamt I walked away from my job because I was taking it too seriously.

Now what do you make of that, Doctor?

The important thing is that you thought of yourself as a person, not just an executive.

I mean, you examined some of the options that are open to you.

I mean, after all, you're not- you're not married to Loggers.

- [Knocking] - C-Come in.

Oh, uh, sorry, Bob. But when you get a chance, I'd like to talk.

Oh, wefire run past our time anyway. Uh, I'll see you all, uh- see you all Friday.

Uh, Susan, the new actuary figures are in. They're on your desk.

- Oh, they'll be there tomorrow. I'm going home. - Uh, I'm not.

Bob, I just came from a board meeting in the Spruce Room.

- Uh, you were practically all we talked about. - No kidding.

They thinkyouTe doing a hell of a job.

Well, I feel pretty good about that.

In fact, they think you're doing too good a job.

- I don't know how to say this. - lfthey're happy, I'm happy.

No, what I mean is, they loved you until you suggested to some of our people...

that they don't have to lose any sleep over not making their sales quota.

You see, the board feels that busting your hump for Loggers is not a bad way of life.

I mean, you know our motto.

Bust your hump for Loggers?

No. We've gotta insure these guys.

Oh. Oh, that one.

But we can't do it with a staffof happy, well-adjusted underachievers.

- So I'm, uh- I'm fired. - That's right.

You know, I, uh-l have a feeling like a great log...

had been lifted off my chest.

Well, we tried. And I do mean we.

It was my idea to hire you, you know. The board didn't like that too much either.

- Well, I- I hope I didn'tjeopardize your job. - Oh, no. It'll blow over.

- Excuse me. I hate to interrupt. - What is it, Wes?

Charlie, could we go up to the president's penthouse and have a talk?

- Why don't we talk in your office? - That is my office now.

Oh. Uh, Bob.

Uh,just call Carol and she'll set up an appointment.

Charlie, how long has it been since you've been out on the road?

I bet you'd like it now. It's been changed a lot.

Big new motels, restaurants, color TV in all the rooms.

Hey, welcome back, Bob.

ThankyouJerry. It's good to be back.

By the way, I'll need my parking space back. So you want to get your boat out of there?

Sure, Bob. You've got it. I'm just glad to have you back.

You don't know how boring it is trying to talk sports with Carol.

And it's boring for me too, you know.

All that talk about how the Bears are gonna miss Butkus at linebacker next year...

when it's obvious all they have to do is move in that fifth round draft choice from Tulane.

- He looked great in preseason. - See what I mean, Bob? She doesn't know anything.

- Let's go in your office, Bob, and talk football. - Hold it,jer.

You got a kid in your chair, and Bob has Peterson and Carlin coming in back-to-back.

We better treat these guysJerry.

Okay, Bob. I'll talk to you later.

Wait a minute. We- We better treat these guys.

It has a nice ring to it.

[ Mews]