All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s03e02 - The Battle of the Groups

Well, unfortunately, our time is up.

Already? I didn't even
get a chance to talk.

I'm sorry, but I thought
it was important...

that we talk about
Mr. Peterson's complexion.

I think we've all
convinced him that, uh...

blemishes can occur
after- after 50.

That's right, especially during
the times of extreme stress.

- Like last Thursday-
- We already know about that, Peterson.

You couldn't find your library card,
so your face broke out.

Well, I'm, uh- I'm afraid
our time is- is really up.

Boy, that's not fair.
I've had some problems this week.

So what? You'll have
the same problems next week.

That's right, dear. You should
give those problems a chance to fester.

Well, let Michelle
go first next week.

Oh, that's another problem. I'm gonna
have to cancel next week's session.

L- I have to appear on a panel
at my wife's school.

- On our time?
- Seems like we're gettin' the short end of the stick.

Well, uh, therapy isn't
exactly a stick, Michelle.

Uh, if you want
to think of it as one...

I try to give all of my patients
the- the same end of it.

However, I do have
another group outside...

so I'd like to pass the stick on
to them.

But in the meantime,
our problems aren't going away.

- Try milder soap.
- Nowjust a minute!

Uh, please- Please, fellas.
We don't have time for that.

Um, maybe we're ready
for another, uh- another marathon.

A marathon!
That's a wonderful idea.

We can rent a cabin in the woods
like we did last time.

- What are you people talkin' about?
- That's right, Mr. Gianelli.

- You've never been on a group marathon.
- I'll bite. What is it?

We get away from the city for a weekend,
and we try to get in touch with our true feelings.

Yeah, and with nature. Last year, Elliot
got undressed, stood on a rock and screamed.

- Carlin did that?
- That's right.

- Pass. I ain't goin'.
- Good idea. I think we should go.

Let's call and make the reservation.

Well, un-unfortunately,
we can't go back to the- the same place.

You can go.
I was the only one fingerprinted.

Why don't we find a new place where-
where we all can go?

- Yeah. Let's go next weekend.
- Fine with me.

- Me too.
- Fine. I'll be in touch with you.

Really, I have to get ready
for my next group.

- Aren't you coming, Elliot?
- No. I'm in the next group too.

Oh.

Oh. O-Oh. l-l'm sorry.
I thought, uh-

That's all right, Mr. Herd.
They're leaving.

- How ya doin', Herd? - Hi, Mr. Carlin.
Th-Th-This is your other group, huh?

Yeah. Say hi to Herd, everybody.
He's sensitive 'cause he's fat.

We're going on a marathon.
Would you like to go with us?

Now, I'm not sure
it's a good idea that-

that both groups
go at the same time.

Gee, I don't see what's wrong
with all of us going.

Sure. Sure, the more the merrier.

Doesn't make any difference to me.
I get to go either way.

I don't even know
what a marathon is.

Carlin stands around naked
and screams at rocks.

- What's goin' on here?
- Shirley, we're running a little late.

- They wanna take us to a marathon.
- Waita minute.

- That's great. I love marathons.
- Well, I don't.

I'm too old to put a number on my back
and dance till I drop!

No, no, no.
We're all going up to the woods...

to talk about our problems
for two days.

- And I get to talk first. - Two days in the
woods. What kind of clothes do you take?

You're askin' the wrong guy.

Isn't this wonderful?
A minute ago, we were all strangers.

And now we're gonna
live together.

I have the feeling we're
rushing into this, and-

- Who- Who brings the food?
- Everybody brings their own.

No, no. Let's each bring something,
and we'll share it.

- I'm allergic to shrimp.
- Let's do it the easy way and all bring deli stuff.

- Do you mind if I say-
- Somebodyll bring bread.

Somebody'll bring mustard.
Somebody'll bring pickles.

Whoever brings the pickles- Could they
make it the sweet gherkins, not the dill spears?

- Could you wait a second?
- And I'll bring the beverages.

- I could bring a basketball in case we wanna
work up a sweat. - Why are we down to specifics?

- How are we gonna get there?
- I guess we could fit in my camper.

- I thought you weren't going.
- I'm not gonna have you talkin' behind my back.

- Who'll bring the napkins?
- I will. I got a lot of paper napkins-

Stop!

Thank you. I-
I just think it's a mistake...

to- to plunge ahead with this thing
without discussing it.

There are some very good reasons
we shouldn't go.

Like, uh, one of the groups has been
with me longer than the other...

and- and we're at different
levels of communication.

- That's a good point. - And secondly,
with this many people on a marathon...

I don't know if we'd get in
as much discussion as we might like.

- Yeah. It might get real crowded.
- Anything else?

Well, those are two
pretty good reasons.

I just thought
they oughta be considered.

What, uh-
What do you think?

- Let's go. - Definitely.
- I think we should go.

- Me too.
- [All Chattering]

Then there are some other reasons
that aren't as good.

That's- That's right.
There'll be a total ofl O of us.

Uh, two cabins- one for the ladies
and one for the men.

And a place where all I O of us
can get together.

Well, I don't care
what that sounds like to you.

Group- Groups do it all the time.

But not at your place.

[ Exhales]
Well, that takes care of Wigwam City.

There's only one place
that'll take us-

Ken and Mitzi's of the Woods.

- I hope they call back.
- I'm sure they will, honey.

And when they do, why don't you make
the reservation for 11 instead ofl O?

- Oh?
- I thought it would be kind of fun if I went too.

Emily, it'd be kind of fun
if we could be together...

but I'm gonna kind of have
my hands full, you know?

A lion tamer doesn't take his family
into the cage with him.

I'll try and stay out of the cage.

I'll go for walks in the woods,
breathe the fresh air.

Maybe I'll even
do a little shopping.

For what? Twigs?

Bob, I thought it would be nice
if I got a chance to go away too.

[Yawns]
It's gettin' kind of late.

- I'll get ready for bed.
- Bob, you'rejust trying to change the subject.

- You go on talking.
- To who?

- [Knocking]
- Oh.

- Oh, hi, Ellen. Hi, Howard.
- Hi, Emily.

- How are ya?
- Fine.

- What's wrong with your hands?
- Oh, nothing. I was just polishing the silver.

Ah. It's cold, huh?

Bob. It's your sister.

- Hi, Bob.
- Hi, Bob.

Wejust thought we'd drop by
before I take Ellen home.

Yeah. I'm just checking in.

You don't have to check in.

- Howard could've checked in after
he dropped you off. - [ Scoffs]

Bob, I wish you wouldn't be
so protective.

Emily, I'm not protective.

- I guess you don't have time for coffee.
- How about a quick scotch?

Well, sure, if you...
feel you need it.

Ellen, I just want you to know
that I think it's perfectly all right...

for a woman in her early 30s
to stay out past 10:00 at night.

I don't think he's worried about Ellen.
I think he's worried about me.

- Why? - Well, we have a lot of
wild parties next door, and, uh-

Well, uh, not wild parties.
We have little parties-

airline stewardesses
and, uh, pilots.

Small parties.

-I mean, it's very small.
- I know what you mean, Howard.

Thank you. Isn't she terrific?

- Yeah, Howard, she is.
- [ Phone Rings]

'Cause I certainly didn't know
what you were talking about.

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

Who? Yes. Yes, he's here.
just a minute.

Bob, it's Ken and Mitzi's
of the Woods.

The, uh- The light one is Ellen's.

Hello? Uh, Ken?

Oh, I'm-I'm sorry, Mitzi.

Yeah, well, listen,
we'll take the place Friday.

I know we're lucky to get it.
Where do I pick up the keys?

You'll slide 'em out
when the money slides in.

That'll be perfect, Mitzi.
Fine. Good-bye.

- What's that all about?
- Bob's taking nine of his patients...

for a group marathon
in the woods.

I think that sounds terrific.

- So do I, and I really want to go.
- Why don't you?

Bob doesn't think it's a good idea.

Emily, it's a good idea.
lt'sjust not a great idea.

I mean, we- we both have
certain responsibilities.

Yeah, and mine are to stay here
and water the plants and answer the phone.

I thinkyou should go with Bob.
lfthe problem is just the phone and the plants...

I'll be happy to stay here this weekend
and take care of it.

- You will?
-You will?

- Well, sure.
- You mean move in, I mean, all weekend?

Sure. Why not?

Oh. Well, that would, uh,
solve any objection I might have.

- Forget it, Howard.
- I wasn't thinking anything.

I mean, I'm not even
going to be here.

- I'm flying to Saint Louis for the weekend.
- Good.

Unless I-
I'm really catching this cold...

I really think I'm catching.
[Coughs]

[Coughing]

- [ Loud Chattering]
- I'm sorryJerry. Could you repeat that?

- [ Chattering Continues]
- Call who?

I am listening toyouJerry. I'm gonna
write it down, but I can't hearyou!

Hey! I'm on the phone.
[Snapping Fingers]

- Jerry?
- What's goin' on out here?

Oh. I'm sorryJerry.
I really am. People!

People! People!

[Chattering Stops]

Now, you havejust got to hold it down here
forjust one moment, please!

This is a doctor's office...

and I was about to take
a very important message from Dr. Robinson.

Here.

Now, what is it, Dr. Robinson?

Well, it's, uh-just, uh, I wanted you
to make sure and reserve a-

a tennis court for me
tomorrow at 12:30.

- Is that it?
- [ Mouthing Words]

Ah.

Uh, well, listen.

Why don't you just, uh,
you know, resume your, uh-

your mingling
and your dribbling and-

- [ Chattering Resumes]
- Anyway-

- [Chatter/mg Continues]
- Hi. Hi, everybody.

Uh, you're- you're a little early.

We're sorry, Dr. Hartley, but they
kicked us out of the coffee shop downstairs.

You can't stay down there for more
than two hours without buying something.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- Hi, Carol.

- Hi, Emily.
- Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Mrs. Hartley.
- Hello, Mr. Peterson. Hi, dear.

Hi, honey. I thinkyou all
know my wife, Emily.

- How do you do?
- Hello.

I'm so glad you could come along,
Mrs. Hartley, to even things up.

Now there'll be four girls
and seven boys.

Well, I'm glad too,
and I hope you don't mind.

I brought
three angel food cakes.

- Do they have icing?
- One of them does.

That's the one I'm gonna have.

Hey, Bob.
Mr. Gianelli called.

He said he'll be out in front
in 1 O minutes with his camper.

Oh, isn't he a nice man
to do all the driving?

He said he'd wait
exactly 3O seconds...

and whoever wasn't there-
tough darts.

[Chattering]

- I'll take your bag, Mrs. Hartley.
- I'll carryyour cakes.

Thank you, but I think
we'll just put this in the car.

The car? Aren't you goin'
with us in the camper?

Well, since Emily's
going along with me...

I thought I'd take my car andjust,
you know, sort of lead the way.

- Oh, well, I guess we can make it by ourselves.
- Yeah, sure we can.

We'll bejust fine.

- Well, I'll be right back. I'll get my coat.
- [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

- Hi, everybody.
- Where's your luggage, Carlin?

Right here. Bag of napkins-
That's all I'm supposed to bring.

- What about clothes?
- What about 'em?

- What's that?
- My cat.

- I'm allergic to cats.
- I thought you were allergic to shrimps.

That's right.
Shrimps and cats.

Dr. Hartley.

How come she gets
to bring a cat?

Nobody from our group
brought any animals.

L-I don't know.
See, I was in getting my coat.

I just wonder how long
someone has to belong to a group...

before you're allowed
preferential treatment.

Oh, yeah? Look who's getting
preferential treatment.

Our group didn't go on a marathon
till our second year.

I'm not riding down
with that cat!

[Shirley]
I'm not gonna ride down with that group.

- Come on, Dr. Hartley. Ride down with us.
- No, no. Ride down with us.

- You go ahead. I'll meet you down there.
- Right, Bob.

How come they get
to call him “Bob“?

We'd better get down there
before those elevator doors open.

Y'all have a nice time now,
ya hear?

It just seems to me
that one of the purposes of a marathon...

is to communicate, to interrelate.

And I think-l think we're all acting
very childish... except for me.

I mean, we just got here, and already
we're split into two different factions.

Three.
I'm a man without a group.

Look, we can either talk or- or go to sleep
and start fresh in the morning...

or we can just go home.

Or we canjust sit here
until they pass out.

Hey, I think maybe we are
being a little childish.

Now, that's good, Mr. Plager.

Yeah, maybe we are.
We should be more open and less selfish.

We should share with one another.

-I agree. I absolutely agree.
- Can I have a piece of that cake?

No, no. It's mine. No.

Whoever invited that group up here
oughta have his head examined.

- You invited us.
- Oh.

Well, I guess that's why I'm here.

Hey, look,
this is getting us nowhere.

Gianelli 1 Wait a minute, Carlin.
What do you think you're doin'?

- I'm gonna take my clothes off and go to bed.
-just a minute, Mr. Carlin.

Why do we have to quarrel?
I don't know about the rest of you...

but I'm not gonna waste two days
up here being vexed and miffed.

Vexed and miffed?

[Shirley] I hate to admit it,
but I think the little guy is right.

Let's start concentrating on why we're here.
Right, Dr. Hartley?

- Dr. Hartley.
- What?

Uh, right.

Isn't it awfully chilly for Mrs. Hartley
to be dressed like that?

No, no. She's fine.
Don't worry, Mrs. Havlicek.

Maybe she needs you.
Shouldn't you see what she wants?

No, she doesn't need anything.
We agreed to that.

Well, let's-
let's start working.

- That is what- what we just decided, wasn't it?
- That's right.

Well, I hope this means
the bickering is finished.

Because I love being here.

I mean, the- the scent of the pines,
the solitude.

And there's a lovely view of the lake
from the roof of the outhouse.

I'm glad that you like it here,
'cause that's very important.

The girls' cabin is a little primitive.

So is the men's. I can't say I'm looking forward
to sleeping on a straw mattress.

Hey, it doesn't matter,
because we're all in the same boat.

Is your cabin as run down as ours,
Dr. Hartley?

Well, I just, you know-
I dropped my bags off, but it's-

- It's pretty run down. [Chuckles]
- [ Laughing]

- Excuse me.
- Oh, uh, hi, Mrs. Hartley.

Hello, Mr. Peterson.
Bob, could I talk to you for a minute?

- Emily, what is it? - I'm really sorry to
bother you, but it's freezing out there...

and I locked myself
out of our suite.

- Suite?
- Sure. Here you go.

I wouldn't have bothered you,
except Ken and Mitzi were asleep.

- I'll talk to you later.
- I left them a note.

They'll fix the color
on our television set tomorrow.

Sorry to interrupt.

Well, where, uh-
where were we?

- “We're all in the same boat.“
- No, we're not.

He's on the Queen Mary,
and we're on the Poseidon.

That was the worst night's sleep
I've had since Black Friday.

My neck is a little stiff.

You didn't have to stay with us.
You could've gone back to your suite.

No, I-l enjoyed
bunking with the guys.

Oh, uh, Mr. Peterson, I'm sorry
that I ended up with all the covers.

That's okay. I'm used to it.
My wife's a blanket hog too.

Doctor. Last night, I had a dream
that a bear came into the cabin...

and hovered over my bed...
and burped.

That was me.

[Sniffles]
I wanted to find out what time it was...

and yourwatch
had a luminous dial, and-

It was 4:06.

- Peterson, get a fire goin'.
- Sure. I collect the wood, and you sit on your duff.

Okay, okay.
Don't get vexed and miffed.

- I'll helpyou.
- That's- That's good, fellas.

- You want me to make some oatmeal?
- Sounds good.

[Knocking]

Hi. Can I come in?

Uh, sure, honey,
We haven't started yet.

We, uh, didn't get too much
accomplished last night, so we quit.

I tried to wait up for you, honey...

but our bed was so comfortable,
I guess I just dropped off.

Try sleeping in a manger
and see how fast you drop off.

Emily, I- I wish you wouldn't mention
how comfortable the bed was.

- Why?
- Because nine people in this room...

resent the fact
that we even have a bed.

- Are you mad, Bob?
- A little.

- Why? Because I was comfortable?
- No. Because they knew you were comfortable...

and I had to spend the whole night
explaining to 'em why.

Maybe I shouldn't
have come up here in the first place.

I don't know why you feel that way.

I only mentioned it 15, 2O times.

Bob, you never told me
not to come up here.

I said, “Do you really
want to come up here?”

- You call that telling me?
- It's my way of telling you.

The next time you don't want me
to do something...

don't ask me,just tell me.

Do you really think
there'll be a next time?

What are you trying to say?

- You figure it out. - Good morning,
everyone. lsn 't it a wonderful morning?

- Let's just forget it.
- No, Bob, I'm not gonna forget it.

Oh, there may be a cloud or two.

Emily, we'll talk about it later.

What is this?
I'm restricted to quarters?

- Is that it?
- Luxurious quarters. Yeah.

Do you mind if I get
a little bread and water first?

To go.

Boy, it'; nippy.
You can see your breath out there.

That's not all you can see.

Carlin's up on a rock.

Well, why don't we-
Why don't we have some breakfast?

I thinkyou boys should know
that Dr. and Mrs. Hartley...

are going at each othefsjugulars.

- Oh, really?
- Is that right, Dr. Hartley?

- Nothing serious.
- Yes, it is.

And it's our fault because we're all
petty and jealous...

because Mrs. Hartley
stayed in a nice room.

Suite.

Look, it's not your problem.

It's something that Emily and I
are gonna have to work out later.

Why don't you work it out now?

- That's what we're here for- to work.
- Oh, no.

I don't belong here.
I know that because Bobjust said to me...

“Emily, do you really
thinkyou belong here?“

That was a cheap shot,
Mrs. Hartley.

Yeah, I guess it was.

Let's get this thing
settled now, Mrs. Hartley.

I don't want your marriage
hanging over my head all day.

Sit down, Mrs. Hartley.

Well, okay, I will.

Sit down, Dr. Hartley.

- You people are getting pretty good at this.
- Okay, let's work.

What about Mr. Carlin?
Shouldn't we wait for him?

Carlin 1
Yo-ho!

I- I don't think so.

Rooster Crows 1

I- I think it was during
my senior year in college...

I was first able to develop
a one-to-one relationship.

Ayear later,
I was in the army-

I-I guess I mentioned
my service record already.

Yes, you did, Bob.

I can really sympathize with the pressure
you were under from your sergeant...

and your basketball coach
and, uh- and your Boy Scout leader.

I mean, Bob, I really
can understand that.

I understood it 12 hours ago
when he first told you.

Well, I- I just had
to get it off my chest.

I hope you can understand that
I wanted to come up here to be with you...

and because my father used to take me
on those hunting trips when I was a little girl.

I don't remember anything
about hunting trips.

You were asleep
during the fabulous '50s.

I guess-l guess we have
kind of monopolized the conversation.

Well, that's all right.

The important thing is
that you feel good about each other.

- Yes, we do.
- We do.

The important thing to me is it's Sunday
morning, and I gotta get back to the city.

I got a softball game.

What about me?
I didn't even get a chance to talk.

- We'd better get the camper loaded.
- Yeah. Let's go.

- I gotta get packed.
- Yeah, me too.

Oh, I am already packed.

Maybe I have time
for one last dash.

Well, we'd better go
clear our things out of the, uh-

- Room.
- Yeah.

I always wanted
to be a teacher too...

just like Mrs. Hartley.

But my father never gave me
any encouragement.

Every time I'd come home
with straight A's on my card...

he'd say, “Is that the best
you could do?“

So after a while...

I just got so discouraged
I didn't even try anymore.

I mean, maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I should have come home
with straight B's.

[ Emily, Loudly]
Well, here we are- home.

[Bob] Vlljust turn the key
in the lock, and we'll go in.

Are you sure you have
the right key?

- Yeah I think so.
- [Key Turning In Lock]

Here it is now.

Hello?

Hello?

Well, the plants
have been watered.

Ellen must have stayed here.

There's no one here now.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
Uh, you're home early.

How was the, uh-
How was the marathon?

Fine. How was your, uh...

flight?

I didn't go on the flight.
Ellen needed me.

For what?

Well, you know that cold
I thought I was getting?

- You got it?
- No, but Ellen did.

[Congested]
Oh. Hi.

Ellen, is, uh-

ls what Howard's telling us true...

that you had the flu
all weekend?

Oh, I've never felt worse
in my life.

Me neither.

Good.

[ Mews]