Original subtitles

Bob, should I use the good china or the everyday china?

I don't care. Whichever one you can see your face in.

This isn't a TV commercial. It's a real dinner with your real sister...

and your real mother, who's real picky.

Didn't, uh- Didn't my mother give us the good china?

- Yeah. - Use the good china.

Gee, I hope Ellen can find an apartment that's close to us.

It's kind of inconvenient for Howard to have to pick her up at your mother's...

every time he wants to see her.

Well, I know my mother, and I know my sister.

And I don't see them lasting more than a week.

- Oh, I don't know. - Oh, wanna bet?

- [Knocking] - No, I don't wanna bet.

- Any amount. - Mm-mmm.

- Hi, Bob. - Hi, Bob.

How about a million dollars?

Ellen, what's the matter? Why the luggage?

- And where's Mom? - I cannot live with that woman.

You've been in town for a day and a half, and you're back on the streets again.

You're not on the streets. You can stay here with us.

Oh- Emily. I don't know.

Gee, that sounds great. It'd make- lt'd make it a lot easier on me.

I tried, Bob, I really tried to get along with her.

I'm sure you did. And I'm sure the Christians tried to get along with the lions.

Well, I know what you went through. It's like the summer...

I moved back with my parents just before Bob and I got married.

- Did your mother redecorate your room in pink? - Lime green.

With little stuffed animals all over the bed?

- And the Raggedy Anns all over the chair? - Mm-hmm.

I like what your mother did to your room, Bob.

- To my room? - Yeah. It was like a shrine.

There were pictures of you as a young adult...

and pictures of you in your uniform.

It was- It was so quiet.

If I didn't know better, I'd thinkyou were dead.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, she's here.

She hasn't turned me against you yet. Right, Mom.

We're, uh- We're having baked ham.

On- On the good china.

Yeah, I'll look out for her, and I'll have her call you tomorrow.

Uh, st-string beans and sweet potatoes.

Right. Good-bye, Mom.

I just should've gotten my own apartment to begin with.

- Your own apartment? - Mm-hmm.

Wow, that, uh, sounds like kind of a waste to me.

I mean, we're getting married soon anyway.

- Howard,you're rushing me again. - Oh,yeah.

- Sorry. But, uh- We are getting married, right? - Of course we are.

-I mean, soon? - Sure. In a little while.

- You know, after we get know each other. - We know each other.

- No, we don't. - We do too.

- We don't. - I know everything about you.

All right, Howard, but first I want to get a job.

What do you do?

See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

Look, all l-all I know is I love you and I wanna marryyou.

Howard, this is getting a little embarrassing.

Howard, I know what Ellen means. I mean...

you know you love her, but you don't know the little things about her.

- Like, what's her favorite color? - Red.

- Wrong. - No, red's my favorite color.

It is?

You see? And they've been married for five years.

Yeah, but I don't want to wait five years.

I mean, what's your favorite color?

- Aqua. - Aqua. Of course.

I love you in aqua. It brings out the aqua flecks in your eyes.

Howard, her eyes are brown.

Howard, look, we know that we love each other.

Wejust don't know each other yet.

Bob...

tell her to marry me.

Howard, it's Ellen's life. I don't wanna butt in.

-I know Emilywill butt in. - No, not this time, Howard.

It's Ellen's life, and she has to decide how she wants to live it.

- Thanks, Emily. - Sure. You'll stay here with us tonight.

You'll sleep in our room, and we'll sleep in the den.

Then tomorrow morning, we'll get up real early, have a light breakfast...

and we'll start looking on the North Shore for an apartment for you.

Now, I know there's a vacancy at the Regency and the Lake Shore.

And then after lunch, we'll go to Marshall Field's, pick up some warmer clothes-

[Whispering] Well, that's the last of it, Bob-

shirts, socks and underwear.

Where's, uh- Where's my bathrobe?

Oh, I left it in Ellen's room.

It used to be our room.

- Wh-Where's my toothbrush? - Oh, honey.

I don't want to have to go back in there. Ellen's almost asleep.

Can't you wait till morning?

It's just for a couple of clays.

- Then why are we going to all this trouble? - It's no trouble.

It's not gonna change anything.

It's already changed your voice.

Mind telling me why we're whispering?

Because somebody is trying to sleep.

You're sure there's a bed in here?

Yes, there is, and it's very comfortable.

See? Isn't that fine?

It's horrible.

It's lumpy and... hard and I can feel every spring.

Aaah!

And every metal button.

I want my own pillow.

Bob, she is your sister. Will you stop being so childish?

I'm not being childish.

She always did get the best.

What do you thinkJer? They're escargot cookies.

Mm.

I made them myself in my gourmet cooking class.

I tell you, I could whip up the most fantastic meal for six people in one hour.

Aw, if I knew six people.

I tell you what, I'm gonna have you to dinner.

- Great. - When would you like to do it?

- How about, uh, next Tuesday? - Ah, you're in luck.

I just happen to have next Tuesday open.

As well as July and August.

How about chicken Florentine?

- Can you really make that? - Certa/nement.

That's terrific, except I've had chicken every night this week.

Well, how do you feel about veal piccata?

That doesn't have veal in it, does it?

- What do you wanLjer? - Look, I'm just the invitee here.

- Just make for me whateveryou think I'd like. - Mm-hmm.

That'd be peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Perfectjust leave out the peanut butter. It gives me the hives.

Hey, Ellen. Hi, how are you?

Oh, pretty good, Carol. ls, uh- ls Bob free?

Sure. Hey, how's thejob hunting going?

Oh, lousy. I just went to a placement agency...

and with my B.A. injournalism and fouryears' newspaper experience...

I can get a job as a file clerk.

Well, now, don't be discouraged. That's howl got started.

- [Knocking] - Hi, Bob. Got a minute?

Yeah. Hi- Hi, Ellen. Come on in and s-sit down.

- Bob, what's the matter? - Oh, I, uh-

I accidentally fell asleep last night.

I thought-l thought you and Emily were apartment hunting today.

- We were. - And?

Well, we just have different taste.

Everything I said I liked, Emily said I didn't like.

I don't know, maybe she knows best. I-

Bob, don't get me wrong. You know I love Emily.

She's a terrific person. And in a lot of ways...

she's like Mom.

- That bad, huh? - Uh-huh.

Does th-that mean you won't be apartment hunting anymore?

Well, I think I've found one, but that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Y-You don't have to talk to me. just-just take it.

Today, if possible.

Well, it's, uh- it's really a nice apartment...

and it's not far from you and Emily.

- Oh, where is it? - Across the hall.

With Howard.

- Oh. - Is it okay?

- S-Sure. - Really?

- Sure. - Wow, I thought you were gonna be shocked.

Sh-Shocked? Why would I be shocked?

Thanks for the use of the bathrobe, Bob. I left it in the closet.

Oh, keep it. I bought a new one.

Oh, that's okay. I'll use Howard's.

Oh. Wh-Why didn't I think of that?

You, uh- You need help packing?

No, thanks. I'm almost finished.

You know, Bob, you really surprise me.

I expected you to be upset about Ellen moving in with Howard.

It's not a new idea. A lot of couples live together.

Well, you're taking it very well. I just thought it might be a problem.

- [Knocking] - What's the problem?

I mean, 1 O years ago, it might have been a problem, but today it's no problem.

I mean, what's- what's the problem?

- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily. - Hi, Howard.

Ellen'll be out in a minute.

- You want to, uh, sit down, Howard? - [ Laughs]

Yes, thank you.

Howard, did-did I say something funny?

No. No. I'm just a little giggly.

L, uh, never had a roommate before.

I mean, there was Lois, but that was different.

Lois was my wife.

-I mean, Lois is taller than Ellen. - Hi, Howard.

- I'm all set. - Ah, 50 am f.

I cleared three dresser drawers and two shelves in the bathroom...

and the entire bedroom closet is all yours.

- What'd you do with your clothes? - Uh, my clothes?

I put 'em, uh, in a suitcase.

-I have 12 suitcases. - What'd you do with your suitcases?

- I put 'em in the broom closet. - What'd you do with the brooms?

I threw them away. They werejust gathering dust anyway.

Well, I just want to say so long.

Yeah, be sure and write, Howard.

- Bye, Bob. - So long, Howard.

- “Swam. - Yeah?

Take another step, I break both your legs.

[Chuckles] That's funny, Bob.

- Let's go, Ellen. - Wait a minute, Howard.

L-I don't think he's kidding.

Oh, sure, he's kidding. Aren't you kidding, Bob?

- Of course he's kidding. - Now, wait a minute.

A minute ago, this was okay.

Well, a minute ago, I didn't feel this way.

It just suddenly hit me- my kid sister in- in that apartment.

L-Well, then- then I felt this way.

It's, uh...

because I'm messy, isn't it, Bob?

No, Howard, it isn't because you're messy.

And it isn't because Ellen is living with someone else...

or that Ellen is living with you that I object to.

It's that Ellen's living with you...

in an apartment 12 feet away from here that I- I just can't take.

Yeah. Nowl see what you mean, Bob.

Well, I don't. I mean, Ellen is an adult, and I think this is her own affair.

Uh, business.

- Ellen is also my sister. - Ellen is an individual.

Ellen is a wonderful person.

I'll tell you what Ellen is. Ellen is humiliated.

Bob, I went all the way down to your office to get your approval...

before I even mentioned this to Howard...

and now he's gone and given all of his brooms away.

And I'm standing here with a suitcase in my hand and no place to go.

Now, that's humiliating!

Isn't she beautiful when she's humiliated?

Well, I'm- I'm sorry...

but it was the only way I could think to handle it.

I know. Of course. it's the same way you hanclledjoey Hudson.

- Joey Hudson? - Oh, Bob, you remember when we were little kids...

andjoey chased me all the way home onto the front porch.

And I kept yelling, “Bob! Bob! Come out and help me!“

You walked out, and said, “Hiya,joey. Wanna see my frog?”

Um, tadpole.

Well, in a way, you're both right.

You know, when a tadpole grows up, it becomes a frog. And then it-

Emily, would you please tell her what I'm- what I'm trying to say.

Well,you see, I think what Bob is trying to say...

is that he's concerned because you and Howard were-

Well,you know, I think it's- it's the distance.

With-

Bob, I haven't the slightest idea what you're trying to say.

Come on, Howard. Let's go.

Howard!

Bob's my best friend.

Well,what am I?

Well, I don't want to come between brother and sister.

I mean, this is a big step. I mean, for all of us.

I know, Howard, so let's take it.

I can't. I mean, I love you both.

Okay. I guess I'll just have to go find a place to live.

Um, Ellen. Listen-

I'm, uh-

I'm sorry about joey Hudson.

Uh, okay, Mr. Carlin. I can change you from this Thursday at 3:OO...

to Friday at 2:00.

Uh-huh. Friday at 2:00 is no good.

But Monday at 4:00 is. Oh, I'm sorry. Monday at 4:00 is taken.

It doesn't matter by who, Mr. Carlin.

Now, how's Tuesday at 1:00?

Oh, not as good as Wednesday at 10:00.

Well, Wednesdays are just all filled up. Sorry.

How about next Thursday at 2:00?

Oh, fine. Next Friday at 11:00. Bye. [ Exhales]

So, how's, uh- how's everything going?

Just real good, Bob.

Good.

Everyth- Everythings, uh, okay.

- Uh,you mean with Ellen? - Who said anything about Ellen?

- How, uh- H-How is she? - Fine.

She's been a wonderful roommate. Well, she talks in her sleep...

but I crack my toes, so we cancel each other out.

Does, uh- Does she, you know, say anything in particular?

- Like what, Bob? - Well, I don't know.

Sometimes people talk in their sleep. You can make out words.

[Clears Throat] Other times they mumble and you can't.

Okay, Bob. I'll just tell you what I told your mom...

when she called 15 minutes ago.

Now, Ellen doesn't have a job. She's had two offers.

She can be an Avon lady or a Fuller Brush person.

She does not wanna talk to you or your mother.

She's real disappointed in Howard. And after I made her stay outside...

while I had a date in the apartment, she's not too thrilled with me either.

Hi, Bob. What's new with your sister?

Oh, she- she's got a couple ofjob offers...

and, uh, she cracks her toes in her sleep.

No, that's wrong. Carol cracks her toes in her sleep.

No kidding. I've been told I sing.

You know, Jerry, I-

I feel real bad about Ellen, and I, uh-

I wanted to talk to you about it, you know...

'cause you're the only one that can really be objective.

I mean, you're the only one who hasn't lived with her, you know.

No kidding?

Boy, still waters run deep.

That's not the pointjerry. I mean, uh-

Ellen's walked out on me, and, uh, Emily's upset with me...

and, uh, I've offended my best friend.

Oh, come on, Bob. You haven't offended me.

N-Not you. Howard.

Oh. I thought I was your best friend.

Oh. Uh-

No, you-you are,jer. I mean, you're-

I mean,you're- you're my best office friend...

but, you know, H-Howard's my best apartment friend.

I mean, a guy can have two best friendsJerry.

Maybe I'll get a dog.

Oh, hello. Pizzatorium?

Yeah, I'd like to order a small cheese pizza, please.

Oh, well, what is your house special?

Flounder?

No, I think I'll just stick with the cheese. Thanks.

Yeah, that's Carol Kester, 2601 Grace Avenue...

apartment 2].

Right. Thanks a lot.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - Oh,just a minute!

[ Barking, Growling]

Down, Lobo. Down, boy.

Down. Get down, Lobo.

- Who is it? - It'; Emily.

- Oh, Emily.just a minute. - [ Barking Stops]

- Well, I can come back later. - Oh, no, come in.

I'm sorry. I just had to call off my tape recorder.

Come in. I m sorry to scare you. it's just a safety measure.

- Well, it sure works. - Besides, I save a fortune in dog food.

- Uh, where's, uh, Ellen? - What?

- Where's Ellen? - Oh.

Oh, my. Well, she's not home.

Oh. Well, I have to meet Bob for dinner in a half hour...

and I thought I could talk to Ellen first.

Trying to make peace 'cause you drove her so crazy looking for apartments...

she decided to move in with Howard, huh?

- Maybe she mentioned it to you. - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

- Oh, Carol, could I? - Oh, sure.

- [ Barking] - Down, Lobo. Down! Down, Lobo.

- Oh, hi, Bob. - [ Barking Stops]

You have all his albums?

L, uh, guess we're both here for the same reason.

- I think so, but Ellen's not home yet. - We are.

Oh, excuse me. I better go tear off my face. Excuse me.

Well, might as well relax, Bob.

- Where? - Well, anywhere but in the tuba.

Well, I haven't sat on a hippo for a long time.

Honey, why don't you try the beanbag?

All right.

- How is it? - It's fun.

- [Knocking] - Oh, Bob, could you get that?

I'm afraid I can't!

I'll get it, honey. Down, Lobo!

Down! Down, Lobo. Down-

No, you gotta turn Lobo on before you can call him off.

Hi, Bob.

- HLJerry. What- What are you doing here? - I was invited.

- Jer, what are you doing here? - Maybe I wasn't invited.

Oh, my gosh. Is it next Tuesday already?

Oh, well, listen, I can whip something up.

- Just give me a minute to get myself together. - A minute? Are you kidding?

Uh, be carefuLjerry. That hippo tips.

No, it doesn't.

- Uh, how'd you do that? - What's that?

- Cross your legs. -just something I learned as a child.

Listen, uh, Bob, about this afternoon.

I'm really sorry about walking out on you like that.

It was immature. Howard and I can both be your best friends.

- I thought I was your best friend. - Oh, you are.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - Spreading yourself kind of thin, aren't you, Bob?

Oh, hi, Howard. Ellen's not home yet.

Hi. Look, Bob, before you- you break my legs...

I just wanna tell you that I love Ellen...

and, well, I came here to take her home.

Whose home are you gonna take her home to, Howard?

Bob, you're starting again.

- I'm sorry, Howard. - Hey, Carol, ya got any cheese in here?

It's in the refrigerator.

There'sjust some green, furry stuff in here.

That's it.

Boy, I sure hope she takes me back.

Oh, she will, Howard. We'll help.

Emily, we've- we've helped enough.

You don't know how much she means to me. It's been a horrible week.

L, uh, can't eat, can't sleep.

I can't talkwithjerry looking at me like that.

Sorry, Howard. I just got kinda involved in what was going on.

We know how you feel. I mean, we feel the same way.

I should have let Ellen pick her own apartment.

And I shouldn't have let my personal feelings interfere.

I should have gone somewhere else to eat tonight.

Well, all I know is I- I love her, and I want her back.

Well, that's a start.

Ellen! Ellen.

- Howard. - Oh, Ellen, Bob and I came here-

No, no, wait. Wait a minute. Listen. Listen.

I know you've all been concerned about me, and that's important.

But let's just start from scratch, okay?

L, uh-l got myself an apartment today on Dearborn.

- On Dearborn? - Mm-hmm.

Oh, I hope it isn't-

- I'm sure it's lovely. - [ Laughs] It is.

- I'd like to see it. - Okay, let's go now.

Well, as long as Howard's going, why don't we all go?

- [ Emily] Yeah. Then we can all go out to dinner afterwards. - Sounds great.

Howard and Emily, maybe we can get our best friend to pick up the tab, huh?

[Laughs]

Ta-da!

Oh, you really like it?

Thank you so much. It's a little something I picked up today at Carson's.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I know. Green has always been very kind to me.

The shoes? Why, no, they're not new...

but, you know, they never seem to go out of style.

- [Knocking] - Oh,just a minute.

- Who is it? - It'; Emily.

- Oh, Emily. - Oh, honey, we are so sorry.

We were all just getting in the car, and we realized we'd left you up here alone.

- Come on now. We're all going out to dinner. - Oh, thanks, I'd love to.

Oh, Carol, I love that dress.

Thank you. lt'sjust a little something I picked up at Carson's.

- It's a wonderful color. - Really? You think so?

Green has always been very kind to me.

And, uh, those shoes- are they new?

No, they're not new, but, you know...

they never seem to go out of sty- [Laughs]

Well, I hate to eat and run, but I've gotta line my shelves tomorrow.

Oh, Ellen, it's silly for you to go all the way home.

Why don't you just sleep here?

- Bob, we can sleep in the den, right? - I don't wanna sleep in the den.

- Wh-Why don't you sleep at Howard's apartment? - Really?

' Really? ' Really?

Yeah, and Howard can sleep in our den.

Bob, don't be silly. I mean, it's ridiculous for Ellen...

to drive all that way this late.

I'll just go get the blankets and the pillows.

Emily, you make me sleep in that den...

I break both your legs.

- Good night, Ellen. - Good night, Emily. Come on, Howard.

You were kidding, weren't you?

[ Roars]