Original subtitles

- [ Rings] - Hello?

You know, Emily, it's amazing how this thing organizes records.

- Like, if you want Herb Alpert, that'; under "A. ” - Mm-hmm.

If you want "Christmas with Andy I/I/I/liam; ” that's under

Maybe I should have put that under

Well, here's one you can't miss: "The Many Moods ofMantovan/I ”

Huh? I didn't know he had more than one mood.

Well, whatever. They're all arranged alphabetically. See, the beauty of this is-

Honey, do you thinkyou could arrange those alphabetically and silently?

Because I'm really trying to concentrate on grading these essays.

Essays for third-graders?

Yeah. Didn't you do essays in third grade?

No, all we did was clap erasers and eat graham crackers.

Bob, you gotta read this.

“What Chicago Means to Me' by Craig Shumway.

“They call Chicago 'The Windy City.'

“They also call it 'that toddlin' town.'

“But I call it home.

“It's one town that won't let you down.

It's my kind of town, Chicago is.“

He should have written “One more time“ at the end of it.

You should have read his essay on transportation.

It started with, “I'll be down to get ya in a taxi, honey.“

Honey, Bob, w-would you read this one?

“What Chicago Means to Me' by Richard Lewis.

“Chicago, a Midwestern megalopolis...

“where urban and agrarian lifestyles commingle.

“From its blustery windswept lakefront, to its teeming South Side...

“to its chic niteries on the near north...

“Chicago truly embraces all of the best...

that is America.“

He's in the third grade. What do you think?

I think he's the only third-grader that'll ever win a Pulitzer prize.

Don't you see, Bob? This isn't right.

Well, Emily, anybody can misspell megalopolis.

I don't mean that. I don't think he wrote it himself.

I can't prove it, but I think his father helped him.

- Why? - Because he wants him to skip. He thinks he's gifted.

Well, his father's certainly gifted.

Maybe you oughta put him in the fifth grade.

Well, his father is a very influential member of the school board.

He allocates all the money for elementary education.

You mean, if you don't skip Richard, he'll cut off your supply of Crayolas?

Well, not exactly, but I understand he's used to getting his way.

- Oh, no. - What's the matter?

“More of the Many Moods of Mantovani."

- I gotta move everyone back. - [Knocking]

- [Emily] Come in. - Hi, Emily. Hi, Bob.

Hi, Howard. You running away from home?

No, no. I've been doing my spring cleaning.

I've borrowed so much stuff from you guys, I had to carry it over in my suitcase.

Howard, that's my suitcase.

Oh, well, then I won't have to carry anything back.

- Ah, here we go. - Ah.

- Here is your waffle iron- - Yeah.

-flashlight. - Oh, Howard, we were really missing these.

Yeah, Howard, we were getting tired of eating pancakes in the dark.

- Uh, Emily, here's your blouse. - This?

Howard, this isn't mine.

I was never a stewardess for Lufthansa Airlines.

Oh, yeah, well, that, uh- that doesn't belong to anybody.

Well, there they are. They're all arranged alphabetically.

The final slot, the final record-

"Zongs of the ZuiderZee ” by Florian Zabach.

That reminds me, Bob.

This must be yours.

“Absolutely Anka."

I'm a-afraid our time is up, Mr. Trevesco.

Oh. Hey, uh, what do you think, Dr. Hartley?

Am I ready for the loony bin?

No, Mr. Trevesco. A lot of perfectly normal people think they see U.F.O.'s.

Then why does everybody think I'm crazy?

See, we try to shy away from words like “loony bin“ and “crazy?

All right, forget crazy. What about wacko?

- Wacko? - Yeah, somebody said that about me.

Well, some people are cruel and insensitive...

and, at times, even stupid.

Well, what am I gonna say? She's my mother.

Our- Our next session, we'll talk about what these space creatures look like.

Yeah, I-l had a camera with me, but they wouldn't pose.

But I'll never forget 'em. They were tiny.

Even smaller than you.

And they had the strangest mouth I've ever seen-

all metal and shiny and protruding.

- It was terrifying. - [ Elevator Bell Dings]

Lust relax, and we'll talk about it next time.

Listen. Thanks, Dr. Hartley. I feel better already.

- Carol, you ready to go to lunch? - Yeah. Ready.

- How 'bout you, Bob? - Yeah, sureJerry. I'll come along.

Okeydake.

- Hi, Emily. - Oh, hi.

- Hi, honey. - We're going to lunch. Wanna join us?

I have something very important to talk to you about, and I don't have much time.

You don't need much time if you're coming out with us.

We're going to the fastest restaurant in town, the Hash 'N' Dash.

It takes five minutes to get there, five to get back. Whole thing'll take 18 minutes.

Hash 'N' Dash. Isn't that the restaurant that has the menus in shorthand?

Why else do you think he's taking me?

I get a free meal, he gets an interpreter.

- We'll try and catch up with you. - Right.

Bob, l-l'm sorry to bother you.

I know you're busy, and I hate to trouble you with my little problems.

Don't be silly, Emily.

If you leave little problems alone, they become big problems...

and before you know it, you're wacko.

Honey, you must have had a lot of patients today.

No,just-just one.just one big one.

Oh. How's he gonna sleep tonight?

Not a question of how. It's a question of where.

Well, uh, anything wrong?

Well, I just came from a meeting with the principal about Richard Lewis.

You mean, uh, megalopolis Richard Lewis.

Yeah. And Mr. Brimskill is really starting to put the pressure on, Bob.

He wants me to skip Richard to the fifth grade.

It's not that he's not bright enough.

I just think that emotionally and socially and physically, he's not ready for it.

But Richard's father must really be putting the pressure on Mr. Brimskill...

so he's putting the pressure on me...

and I think maybe that's why I'm resisting it.

I mean, Bob, you know howl am.

The minute somebody starts to push me, I want to push back.

I thought I'd come and talk to you about it because, well...

you're always so objective about these matters.

- Oh, thank you, Emily. - So what do you think I should do?

Beats me.

Thank you, Bob.

No, Emily, I have complete confidence in your ability to reach the right decision.

- What do you thinkyou oughta do? - Beats me.

As long as we've settled that, let's go to lunch.

Good. Maybe we could catch up with Carol andjerry.

You can't catch up with anybody at the Hash 'N' Dash...

once they put 'em on the conveyor belt.

- [Knocking] - Come in.

- Hello. - Oh, hi, Howard.

I bought Emily some flowersjust my way of saying thanks for all the borrowing I do.

Gee, that's really very nice of you.

- I thought there used to be a vase here. - Well, I borrowed it.

Oh, don't worry about it. I'll find another one.

I'm getting dressed for Emily's spaghetti party. What do you think I should wear?

To be on the safe side, a checkered tablecloth.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - I'll get it.

- Uh, Dr. Hartley? - Uh, no. That's Dr. Hartley.

I'm just a friend who's just leaving.

- Thanks for the flowers. - See you at 8:00.

Dr. Hartley, I'm Mr. Brimskill, the principal at Tracy Grammar School.

Oh. Oh, yes. Come in.

Is, uh- ls Emily expecting you?

No, I just happened to be taking a little stroll, and I thought I'd drop by.

- She- She'll be right back. Shejust went to the store. - Fine. Let's take our seats.

Would you, uh- Would you care for some coffee?

No, but I'd love a glass of milk.

- I'll see if we have any. - And some graham crackers, if you have any.

We don't usually keep graham crackers around the house, but I'll look.

Oh, I hope you have some.

- Oh, I'm sorry. We don't. - Oh, rats.

All we have are the, uh, sugar wafers...

coconut macaroons and jel lyjum p-ups.

- Do you have any Fig Newtons? - No. How 'bout some soup?

No, that's all right. lust the milk then.

- I'm sorry. I'm afraid we're out of milk. - Then just a coconut macaroon.

- Okay. - And maybe a littlejuice.

Juice.

Uh, we have tomato and grape.

Oh, by all means, grape.

Your, uh, visit here wouldn't have anything to do with little, uh, Richard Lewis?

Oh, little Richard Lewis. Oh, what a bright boy.

Extremely bright, gifted.

I've been in education 35 years, and I've seen very few boys as bright as Richard Lewis.

In the old days, we'd double-skip a boy like that.

As a matter of fact, I was double-skipped myself. I was very mature for my age.

Well, here are your macaroons and your grapejuice.

Thank you. Uh, Dr. Hartley.

- You're a psychologist, right? - Right.

I thinka little psychological persuasion...

is exactly what Emily needs in this matter.

- You want me to hypnotize her? - No, that's not necessary.

It's just that, like most husbands...

you probably have a great deal of influence over your wife's decision-making process.

Well, like most husbands, I don't.

Oh, I see.

Especially when it comes to her life or her work.

I really don't see why...

Emily wouldn't respect myjudgment in this matter.

I don't, uh-l don't either.

Oh! Hello, Mr. Brimskill.

Oh, Emily. we werejust talking about you.

Please come in and take your seat.

- We werejust having a little grapejuice. - Yes, I can see that.

Well, I suppose you're wondering why I dropped by.

Well, no, I thinkl have a pretty good idea.

I could beat around the bush, but I'm not that kind of a person.

We really feel more strongly than ever...

that Richard Lewis should be skipped to the fifth grade.

- “We”? - Well, some of us.

You mean, you and certain members of the school board named Richard Lewis Sr.?

- I don't think he'd mind. - Well, I won't do it.

Dr. Hartley, you certainly have an independent little woman here.

Yeah, she's a footloose little vixen.

I respect that, and I-

I wouldn't ask her to do something she wouldn't want to do...

sol personally will assume the responsibility of skipping the child.

That way, Emily, your conscience can be clear...

and we'll be doing the right thing for the boy.

Now if you'll pardon me...

I'll just snitch another one of these delicious macaroons and be on my way.

You mean that's it? Youjust made up your mind, and that's it?

- I'm afraid I have. - You'rejust gonna go over my head and skip that boy?

- I'm afraid I will. - Despite the fact that I strongly advise against it?

I'm afraid that's right.

- Well, then I'm afraid I quit. - What?

'Quit!

Oh, and furthermore, Mr. Brimskill...

you have grapejuice all over your face.

I'm afraid she's right.

You know, Bob, I can't stop thinking about it.

That kindly little man sneaking in here and trying to blackmail me.

Honey, would you fasten this?

I oughta take this to the school board. I guess that's not a good idea.

Uh, Emily?I have a good idea.

- What? - Could you stand still a minute?

Well, maybe I should take it to the mayor's office...

or the municipal court.

- I'd be anxious to hear howjudge Sirica rules on this. - Bob! I just quit my job!

-I know! - And we've got people coming over.

- I'll call, and I'll cancel. - No, it's too late.

I can still reachjerry by phone.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - You can catch him at the door. I'll get it.

Listen, honey, let's not put a damper on the evening by telling them what happened.

- You know, let's- Okay? - Okay.

- Hi!Come on in! - How's it going?

I'm in a lousy mood, the food isn't ready, and I quit my job.

My socks don't match.

- You quit your job? - Gee, that's terrible.

Listen, why don't I fix some drinks, and we'll pretend like we're having a good time?

You're serious, Emily?I mean, what happened? I don't understand.

It's very complicated, and I get mad when I think about it, so, Bob, you tell 'em.

Uh, Emily... quit.

Oh. Now I understand.

Uh, why did you quit, Emily?

Well, they wanted me to skip this boy, and I didn't think he should be skipped...

and they skipped him over my head, sol had no choice and I quit.

- You did the right thing, Emily. - I tried to quit my job once. They wouldn't let me.

They can't stop you from quitting.

My company commander said they could.

Emily, you did the right thing.

I'm not so sure,jer.

I don't see anything wrong with skipping per se.

I skipped myself, and it turned out great...

because here I am, an incredibly successful receptionist.

Now I have hit my professional peak, and I'm only 3O years old.

If you hadn't skipped a grade, you'd be 31 now.

Uh, Emily. the spaghetti's turning green.

It's not spaghetti, Bob. It's green fettuccine. It's supposed to be green.

- I hope the sauce isn't. -What do you think? You think Emily should have quit?

Jerry, I've been married to Emily for five years, and I've learned one thing.

She's no quitter. I'm sure she'll come to the right decision.

- I'm sure she made the right decision. - Maybe it was a good move.

I can only think of a few reasons why it wouldn't be.

I mean, Emily's been teaching for 1 Oyears. She'll lose her tenure.

Kid'll probably skip a grade anyway.

She'll lose that battle, and she'll probably never get anotherjob teaching again...

because everybody thinks she's so temperamental.

She won't be making any more money.

Well, here's to Emily!

You know, Dr. Hartley, this time I didn'tjust see 'em.

This time those little buggers carried me right into the spaceship.

What was it like inside the ship?

Oh, small, but tasteful.

- Go with that, Mr. Trevesco. - Tasteful is tasteful. To each his own.

I liked it.

It was kind of blue walls, and the furniture was, uh-

What do you call it? Modern.

You might even say Danish modern.

You know, Mr. Trevesco, we've discussed this over a number of sessions...

and there's no doubt in my mind that you firmly believe you met these little bug-

these creatures. [Clears Throat]

But do you think any part of it could be maybe fantasizing-

Hey, you call this fantasizing?

I got a snapshot here that proves it.

The cigar-shaped object with the red glow on the end-

that's what they were flying?

No, that's what they were smoking.

Well, I'm afraid our time is up.

Yeah, I'm afraid so too, Dr. Hartley.

No, no. I meant the session.

Oh, oh! Right.

Oh, Mr, Trevesco, I've got a message for you.

- It isn't another of those talk shows? - No, it's from your wife.

Ah, the missus. She's solid as a rock.

I can always count on her to bring me down to earth.

She says not to bother to pick her up.

She's got the camera, the tape recorder, the flashlight...

and she'll meet you at the swamp.

- Hi, Bob. - HLJerry. Where you been?

Health club. I took a steam bath, trying to sweat off that green spaghetti.

You oughta come, Bob. They got this new microwave sauna.

Microwave sauna?

Yeah, it's really great. You can only stay in there for two minutes.

You can't wear a towel because it wouldjust burn off.

Floor is very hot. You have to run 'cause you can't have both feet down at the same time.

If you should slip and fall- [imitates Electrical Shock] it's all over.

- Sounds like fun. - It is, if you do it right.

You really oughta try it. You really oughta go.

You really oughta come now. If you wanna come, I'll go again.

- Maybe I will. Do I have to fireproof my hair? - No!

Hey, Bob, what did Emily finally decide to do last night?

Oh, we had a long talk, and she got very emotional...

and it seemed like she was really gonna do it, you know...

but I know Emily pretty well, and I think she'll decide to stay.

- [ Rings] - Dr. Hartley's office.

Oh, hi, Emily. Yeah,just a minute. Bob.

Hi, honey. What'd you decide?

You- You're gonna quit.

Well, that's what I thought.

Yeah, I'll see you there.

I should have rented a pickup truck.

I'm never gonna get all this stuff in the trunk of my car.

You know, Bob, I'm really gonna miss this room.

When you've been in a place three years, it becomes part of you.

Doesn't seem like there's much that belongs to the school.

- Let's load it up. - Oh, hello, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, hi, Mr. Brimskill.

- Wait a minute, Dr. Hartley. - You just go ahead, Bob.

Please wait, Dr. Hartley.

Emily, we really don't want you to leave.

Well, I don't want to leave either...

but you don't give me a choice.

Well, you could stay.

I can't stay under these conditions.

I remember when you came here three years ago.

You brought life to this room...

filled itwithjoy and laughter and hamsters.

I remember how happy you were that first day when you wrote “Mrs. Hartley"...

on that blackboard.

If this is gonna be a long trip down memory lane, could I set this down?

Dr. Hartley, isn't there something you can say to change your wife's mind?

- Nope. - Thank you, Bob.

You can start taking these things down to the car.

- Okay. - Please wait, Dr. Hartley.

Being a professional man, I should think you would take a more mature attitude.

- I'm very disappointed in you! - You want me to stand in the cloakroom?

No, I'd like you to put those things down until I have a chance to talk to your wife.

Now, Emily, is there anything f can do to make you change your mind?

Well, there is one thing.

I know what it is. Don't skip Richard Lewis.

I'm afraid that decision has been made. You can go ahead, Dr. Hartley.

No,just wait a minute, Bob.

- That isn't it. - What is it then?

If you're going to skip Richard Lewis...

then I'd like you to skip Susan Hirsch, Becky Mann, Tony Mordante...

- and Peter Richmond to the fifth grade. - Why?

They're as bright as Richard Lewis, and they do their own work.

Mn, uh- Mr. Brimskill?

Well, I can't approve skipping all those students.

Fine.

Uh, these books- are they the school's or do they belong to you?

- They belong to me. - Oh, fine.

- What about the hamsters? - They're yours. Murfand Surf stay.

Just tell the substitute teacher that Murf doesn't eat lettuce, but he does eat chalk...

and Surf will eat anything.

Emily, I want you to know it's not easy...

making some of the decisions I have to make.

It seems the older I get, the harder it is.

I don't know. The pressures become greater.

The hamsters, chewing gum under the desks.

The budget gets smaller. Crepe paper, graham crackers.

Oh, hot lunches. Oh, I don't know!

I guess what I mean is-

if you ever change your mind...

we'd like you to stay.

[Chuckles]

Here you go, Murf.

Mrs. Hartley, I already gave Murfsome chalk today.

Lisa. What are you doing here so late?

I was just playing tetherball, and I saw you through the window.

Mrs. Hartley?

- You know what we heard today when you weren't at school? - No. What?

We heard we were gonna get a new teacher, that you weren't gonna teach us anymore.

That's not true, is it, Mrs. Hartley?

Well, uh, Lisa...

I'm afraid it is, but, uh...

I'm sure you're gonna like the new teacher.

Not as much as we like you.

We're all gonna miss you, Mrs. Hartley, except for Craig Shumway.

He hates everybody.

Well, Mrs. Hartley-

Uh, Lisa?

You promise me you'll give the new teacher a chance, okay?

Okay, I will, Mrs. Hartley.

Are you the new teacher?

I hate you.

Emily, this stuff is gonna have to ride in the backseat 'cause the trunk is full.

I'll take this down, and then when you leave, you can take that carton.

Bob?

Whatever you say.

That's the latest news, and still no word of your triumphant return to Tracy Grammar School.

I may not have made headlines, but the kids were certainly glad to see me.

- Even, uh, Craig Shumway? - Well, maybe not Craig Shumway.

You know how he's always using lyrics?

When I got there, he had already written...

“Toot-toot-toosie, good-bye“ on the blackboard.

Sol kept him after school. I let the other kids go at 2:30, and I kept him till 3:00.

I bet you can't guess what he said to me at 2:45.

“It's quarter to 3:00. There's no one in the place except you and me.“

[Laughing] Right.

[ Mews]