Original subtitles

- [ Rings] - Hello.

- Hi, Bob. Dr. Walburn. - Well, hi, Carol.

We're sure seeing a lot of you lately.

Doesn't the elevator go to the ninth floor anymore?

You know I couldn't possibly start my day without a cup of your coffee.

- Haven't made it yet. - Phew! Good. - [All Laughing]

I was just about to though.

- You want us to watch? - Oh, wonderful.

Two shrinks watching my every move?

I'd probably make a schizophrenic cup of coffee.

- [ Chuckling] - I think the pressure's too much for her, Frank.

- So, uh, how's the family, Bob? - Fine. Emily's fine.

Good, good, good. Hey, I heard this fantastic newjoke...

about this guy who bought a parrot. [Laughing]

Wait till you hear it.

You'll laugh your heart out. [Laughing]

My life's a shambles, Bob.

-I know, Frank. - It's falling apart.

Frank, I'm glad you've expressed confidence in me by coming to see me.

I wouldn't go to anybody else.

You're the best. You're the shrink's shrink.

Yeah, but, Frank, we can't keep meeting like this, you know?

All the sneaking around- why does everything have to be a secret?

That's one of my problems. I like sneaking around.

It's just that I don't want anybody to know that I'm seeing you.

Frank, other psychologists see other psychologists all the time.

Well, let's get started.

All right. Uh, where'd we leave off?

Oh,yeah,yeah, I know. I was talking about...

this feeling I had toward my twin brother...

that bordered on latent narcissism.

It seems to be surfacing more and more the older I get.

What I can't understand is how it relates...

to this incredible success fantasy I seem to be projecting.

Yeah.

The only theory I have is one that you probably have yourself.

An overt sibling rivalry...

is taking the form of a supercompetitiveness...

and manifesting itself in a childish desire...

for, you know, a negative self-esteem.

- [Knocking] - Coffee time.

Just before the parrot died, he says-[ Laughing]

-“Food!“ - [All Laughing]

- I know thatjoke. - Thank you.

I just didn't know it took that long to tell.

Oh, phone call for you, Dr. Walburn.

Oh, uh, thank you. I'll take it in here.

Uh-huh.

Be right with you, Bob.

Yeah, I'd like to hear the beginning ofthatjoke.

Yeah. Dr. Walburn.

Oh, no. You're kidding.

Yeah, yeah. Uh-

I don't seem to have much choice, do I?

I'll be there as soon as I can.

What's, uh- What's wrong, Frank?

I gotta go to prison.

Gee. And we were getting along so well.

No, no. This patient of mine is in Leavenworth...

and I'm the only one he'll talk to.

That's in Kansas. Couldn't you just call him?

No. The cell block they took over doesn't have a phone.

Well, uh, listen-

Hey-Hey, Bob, uh, can you do me a favor?

Tomorrow is your afternoon off, isn't it?

Yeah, but I don't wanna go to Leavenworth.

Oh, no, no. No. I have a full slate of patients.

I just wondered if you would take them over for me.

Why don't you just cancel them?

No. I hate to cancel. It's a sign of weakness.

You can handle it. There's nothing unusual.

There's a mother fixation and a couple ofclaustrophobics and a manic-depressive.

Sounds normal.

- What do you say, Bob? - Okay, Frank, I'll take over.

I'll tell my secretary you'll be there tomorrow afternoon.

- You ready? - Yeah.

[Chuckling]

[Both Chuckling, Laughing]

[Tapping]

I need an ice pick.

- [Knocking] - Come in.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Howard. You wanna play through?

No, no. I'm playing golf tomorrow.

I got everything I need.

Maybe I am, uh, missing a club or two.

Let's see, Howard. You got the spoon, the mashie, the niblick.

All you need now are a pair of knickers.

You can't play with that old equipment.

- Yeah, you're right, Bob. Can I borrow your 2-iron? - Sure.

And your 3 and 4 and your 5...

and your 6 and your 7 and your 8 and your 9 and a few drivers?

- Sure, Howard. - And maybe you have an extra golf bag...

and some tees and some balls?

How about one of those little stubby pencils for keeping score, Howard?

I got that right here.

- Right in the den. Take what you need. - Thanks a lot.

- Thanks, Bob. - [ Door Opens]

Hi, honey.

- Hi. - Thanks a lot, Bob.

These will just have to do. Hi, Emily. HLJer.

Howard, where you goin', night school for caddies?

No, but I used to caddie, and I was very good at it.

I'll see you, Bob. Thanks a lot.

' [Whack] - Sorry,

Oops. Uh, not your bag, Bob.

Sorry.

Wonder who he caddied for, the Three Stooges?

You two usually come back from charity work in a pretty good mood.

- What's wrong? - Takes an awful lot of money to build a new hospital wing.

We're running out of time. We're running out of people.

Don't worry about it,jerry. You can't do it all byyourself.

Jerry doesn't understand that.

He is the most tireless and dedicated worker I've ever known.

Bob, you know, he got $100 out of Phil Newman...

and you know how impossible it is to get any money out of him.

He still owes me 1 O bucks from the Wolcott-Marciano fight.

- How'd you do itjerry? - He was sittin' in a dentist's chair.

I told him, if he didn't contribute $100, I'd drill a hole in his face.

[Laughing]

Well, we all have to make certain sacrifices.

Aw, honey, it's almost over, and then I can start cooking for you again...

and you don't have to eat any more of those, uh, turkey dinners.

- Roast beef. - You're kidding.

I never saw it that color before.

- Maybe it's fish. - Oh.

Sorry. Dr. Walburn isn't here today.

He went tojail.

Yes, I know. I'm Dr. Hartley. I'm taking over for him this afternoon.

Oh, yes, of course. He told me.

I'm Miss Brennan, but I've only been here for a week.

Why don't you start by pulling out the files...

of the patients I'm going to see this afternoon...

sol can familiarize myself with their case history?

I'm not sure I should take the files out of the drawer.

I should tell you something Dr. Walburn told me when I first started here.

- What's that? - He said, um...

“Psychology is a very private affair, Miss Brennan...

and we don't wantjust anybody to know who's coming in and out of here.“

Well, that's-that's true, but-

I mean, it's all right if the psychologist knows.

O keyd o key.

Why don't you, uh,just- [Clears Throat]

Just bring 'em in when you're finished there.

O keyd o key.

Oh, Dr. Hartley, one more thing.

I think I should tell you. Dr. Walburn is a little funny about his toys...

so please don't play with the pachinko machine.

[Intercom Buzzing

[Pachinko Balls Clattering]

- [ Buzzing Continues] - [ Clattering Continues]

Yes, Miss Brennan?

You were playing with the pachinko machine, weren't you?

Yes, I was. I'm sorry.

That's okay. I do it myself sometimes.

Oh, your first patient is here.

- Oh.Who-Who is it? - It's a man.

You want to send him in and bring in his file?

Okeydokey. Oh, before I forget.

Here's your pencil, and here's some paper.

Miss Brennan, there's no point on the pencil.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That'll, uh- That'll be all.

You mean I'm fired?

Just for that?

No. I meant that'll be all for the time being.

Oh. Good. The last doctor I worked for said “That'll be all“...

and he meant forever.

And so did the dean at the secretarial college.

And so did my ex-husband.

So you can see why I'm a little sensitive...

to the phrase “That'll be all.“

Well, that'll be, uh-

- That'll be fine for right now. - Oh.

Do you want to send him in and bring in his file?

- Okeydokey? - All righty.

Jerry, you've been here for 1 O minutes. You haven't said a word.

Eleven minutes.

If I can make another 39 minutes, my session will be over.

Jerry, I mean, as long as you're here and as long as I'm here-

And I'm a psychologist and I'm your friend.

I am your friend, aren't Ljerry?

You're my best friend. You're there when I need you...

and I know you always understand.

- Well, let's- Let's talk about it. - You wouldn't understand.

- I don't understand that. - You see?

Believe me. I would have come to you in the first place if you were anyone else but you.

Jerry, I get the feeling this has something to do with me.

It does.

What did- What did Dr. Walbum suggest?

He suggested that I come right out and tell you about it-

be honest, lay the whole thing out.

Uh,jerry, I have an idea that might make it a little easier for you.

Uh, why don't you just pretend that, uh- that I'm Dr. Walburn?

Who am I supposed to be?

You be you.

I don't like my part.

- [ Sighs] Jerry, look, let's-

Let's try it and just see what happens.

I mean, we got 35 minutes left.

Okay, Bob.

OkayJerry, what, uh- What seems to be the problem?

Well, uh, Dr. Walburn, do you know Bob Hartley?

- Yeah. - Psychologist down on the seventh floor?

- Yeah. - My best friend?

Yeah.

I'm in love with his wife.

[Snap]

[Softly] Emily?

Em-Emily?

[ Loudly] Emily.

Hmm?

Never mind.

What is it, Bob?

You didn't have to turn the lights on.

I wanted to see who was yelling at me.

You feel like, uh- like talking for a while?

More than anything.

That was, uh- That was really a great dinner you made tonight.

- Thank you, Bob. - All my favorites.

- I had, uh, three pieces of the homemade apple pie. - Four.

Homemade apple pie made me very happy.

Bob, I really wish it had made you sleepy.

- I'm sorry, honey. I really have to- - You know, we, uh-

We really have a great marriage...

good friends.

Yeah, that's true, Bob.

Like, uh, Carol and Howard.

- Uh-huh. - Sylvia andjack.

- Bill Sheppard. - Yeah, that's right, Bob.

That's, uh- That's all I had on my mind. Let's go back to sleep.

It's been nice chatting with you, Bob.

Jerry's a good friend too.

That's it, isn't it, Bob?

You want to talk about me andjerry.

You, uh- You know about you andjerry?

Well, Bob, I mean, during the last month...

I have kind of noticed thatjerrys, uh...

well, infatuated with me.

How do you- How do you feel about that?

- Terrific. - What?

Well, you gotta admit it's flattering to have somebody...

watching your every move with loving and adoring eyes.

Yeah. I had a beagle once like that.

Yeah, it is a nice feeling.

Well, honey, it's just a passing thing.

He'll get over it soon.

You know, Bob, I once had a girlfriend. Her name was Karen Sperling.

- And her husband's best friend fell in love with her. - And what happened?

They ran away together.

I don't care for that story.

Well, honey, it has a happy ending.

She and her husband got back together again...

and they're living in upstate New York in a vine-covered cottage.

- And they're very. Very happy- - Of course they're happy.

They've probably got a family of dwarfs next door whistling all the time.

What we're talking about here is not a fairy tale.

Jerry is- He's really in love with you.

Oh, Bob, don't be ridiculous. ]erry's known me for five years.

How much in love with me could he be?

Well, enough to pay $35 an hour to talk about it.

That much?

Oh, Bob, now I really feel terrible.

Well, I'm sorry you feel terrible...

but I'm- I'm glad you don't feel the way he does.

You-You don't, do you?

Oh, Bob.

I love you.

I mean, that's one thing you never have to worry about.

That's all I wanted to hear.

_?

Now I'm wide awake. What am I gonna do?

Why don't you have some pie? There's one piece left in the refrigerator.

So, it just seems that I'm plunging headlong...

into an irreversible course of self-destruction.

Well, I see our time's about up.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Bob, I want to apologize again for that mix-up withjerry yesterday.

I forgot thatjerry was a Thursday. I thought he was a Wednesday.

I just hope you, uh- you know, take care of that mess and solve it.

Yeah, well, don't worry about it. I'm sure we will.

Good, good. Great.

Uh, Bob, in the meantime...

let's not forget that my life is still a total disaster.

I think it might help, Frank, if you were a little more open and honest.

You're right.

[Laughing ] And then the guy says to the bartender...

“Well, in that case, I must have squeezed a canary into my drink.“

[All Laughing]

I sure wish I could tell a joke like you do, Frank.

Hey, sweetheart, you look terrific today.

Gosh, I just wish I wasn't married.

- You're not. - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ] -That's right. I'm not.

- Hi, Emily. - Hi, Frank.

Fine, fine. Everything'sjust fine.

- Hi, dear. - What are you doing here on your lunch hour?

Well, Bob, I really feel terrible...

and I-l wanted to-

I wanted to talk to you about, uh, you know who.

Well, I wouldn't worry about, uh-

about you know who, 'cause I think he's, uh...

kind of anxious to talk to us.

[Sighs]

If that was you know who, he looks like a target in a shooting gallery.

Emily, why don't you go in the office?

Get mejerry on the phone, Carol.

[ Buzzing]

Jerry? Look, you, uh- You can't keep ducking this thing.

Why don't you come down?

You're with a patient.

Jerry, you can't fill cavities in a raincoat.

Your ceiling is leaking.

Jerry, come down here, will you?

He's on his way down. What, uh- What are you gonna say to him?

Oh, Bob. I have absolutely no idea of what I'm gonna say.

Well, I just wouldn't tell him about Karen Sperling and the Seven Dwarfs.

Hi, Bob. Hi, uh, Emily.

Sit, uh- Sit dowmjerry.

Look, uh,jerry, this is kind of, you know, a rough moment for all of us.

You know, I really don't think so, Bob.

Now, the way I see itjerry...

if we canjust get rid of Bob, it'll be smooth sailing all the way.

Come on, Emily. It's not funny.

Well, that may not be a bad idea about, you know, getting rid of Bob.

It might be easier for the two of you to talk...

if I wasn't in the room, so maybe I'll, uh-

I'll go in the other room. I'll be, uh...

right outside the door.

Uh, just outside the door.

Could I get you a magazine?

Emily, I know it's ridiculous. I knew it was ridiculous when it was happening.

I just couldn't help myself.

WelLJerry, I mean, was it my fault? Was it something that I did?

Yes. Well, I-l mean, no.

- But I- I think I know what you mean. - You do?

Yeah. I think we put in so much time together on the charity project.

You know, it was- Well, it was like we were almost married.

Yeah. Yeah, except we never had an argument.

I guess I'vejust never spent so much time with any one woman before.

It was really nice- having someone who cared for me...

working together on something that we both believed in.

We were really dedicated, Emily.

Yeah. I guess there are a lot of people falling in love at the Ford Foundation, huh?

Emily, I know you're trying very hard not to be serious about this...

but, for a while there, I really did love you.

Hey, did you hear what I just said?

I said I loved you. I mean, when I said that out loud...

it really sounded dumb.

OhJerW-

Love's not dumb.

And besides, I love you too-

as a friend.

And I always have, and I always will.

- So, okay, huh? - Okay.

L, uh, forgot something.

I'll just get it and get out of here.

It-lt's okay, Bob.

See, uh,jerry and I arejust about finished.

Oh. Good.

Yeah, everything's gonna be okay now, Bob.

It'll just take me a little while to get back in the swing of things.

- [Knocking] flute.

Excuse me, Bob. Miss Brennan has to talk to you.

Dr. Hartley.

I can't find the files I gave you out of Dr. Walburn's.

- Did you steal them? - No. No, I didn't, Miss Brennan.

Did you ever think that maybe you might have misfiled them?

Not a chance.

Listen, I'm not doing anything.

Do you want me to come over and helpyou out?

Why, thank you. That'd be nice.

Afile hunt.

- You know, Emily, the man has amazing recuperative powers. - Yeah.

[Laughing] I'll see you later, Bob.

Sweetheart, you take care of yourself, huh?

[Laughing]

Bob. Bob, I want you to know one thing.

These last few days have not been lost on me.

- What do you mean, Carol? - I'm not stupid, Bob.

And I know exactly what's been going on here.

I know why Dr. Walburn has been down here all the time...

and I know why Emily andjerry were down here the other day.

- Why? - Because you, Dr. Walburn andjerry...

were thinking of making a business investment together.

However, Emily got wind of this and did not like it one bit...

because she completely distrusts Dr. Walburn, as well she should.

So she askedjerry to get more information about him...

by dating his secretary, Miss Brennan...

who is obviously incapable of relaying information ofany kind.

So the deal is off. Am I right, Bob?

That's amazing.

[ Mews]