All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s02e23 - Confessions of an Orthodontist

- [ Rings]
- Hello.

- Hi, Bob. Dr. Walburn.
- Well, hi, Carol.

We're sure seeing
a lot of you lately.

Doesn't the elevator
go to the ninth floor anymore?

You know I couldn't possibly start my day
without a cup of your coffee.

- Haven't made it yet.
- Phew! Good. - [All Laughing]

I was just about to though.

- You want us to watch?
- Oh, wonderful.

Two shrinks watching
my every move?

I'd probably make
a schizophrenic cup of coffee.

- [ Chuckling]
- I think the pressure's too much for her, Frank.

- So, uh, how's the family, Bob?
- Fine. Emily's fine.

Good, good, good.
Hey, I heard this fantastic newjoke...

about this guy who bought a parrot.
[Laughing]

Wait till you hear it.

You'll laugh your heart out.
[Laughing]

My life's a shambles, Bob.

-I know, Frank.
- It's falling apart.

Frank, I'm glad you've expressed
confidence in me by coming to see me.

I wouldn't go to anybody else.

You're the best.
You're the shrink's shrink.

Yeah, but, Frank, we can't
keep meeting like this, you know?

All the sneaking around-
why does everything have to be a secret?

That's one of my problems.
I like sneaking around.

It's just that I don't want anybody
to know that I'm seeing you.

Frank, other psychologists
see other psychologists all the time.

Well, let's get started.

All right.
Uh, where'd we leave off?

Oh,yeah,yeah, I know.
I was talking about...

this feeling I had
toward my twin brother...

that bordered on latent narcissism.

It seems to be surfacing
more and more the older I get.

What I can't understand
is how it relates...

to this incredible success fantasy
I seem to be projecting.

Yeah.

The only theory I have is one
that you probably have yourself.

An overt sibling rivalry...

is taking the form
of a supercompetitiveness...

and manifesting itself
in a childish desire...

for, you know,
a negative self-esteem.

- [Knocking]
- Coffee time.

Just before the parrot died,
he says-[ Laughing]

-“Food!“
- [All Laughing]

- I know thatjoke.
- Thank you.

I just didn't know
it took that long to tell.

Oh, phone call for you, Dr. Walburn.

Oh, uh, thank you.
I'll take it in here.

Uh-huh.

Be right with you, Bob.

Yeah, I'd like to hear
the beginning ofthatjoke.

Yeah. Dr. Walburn.

Oh, no. You're kidding.

Yeah, yeah. Uh-

I don't seem to have
much choice, do I?

I'll be there as soon as I can.

What's, uh-
What's wrong, Frank?

I gotta go to prison.

Gee. And we were
getting along so well.

No, no. This patient of mine
is in Leavenworth...

and I'm the only one he'll talk to.

That's in Kansas.
Couldn't you just call him?

No. The cell block they took over
doesn't have a phone.

Well, uh, listen-

Hey-Hey, Bob, uh,
can you do me a favor?

Tomorrow is your afternoon off,
isn't it?

Yeah, but I don't wanna
go to Leavenworth.

Oh, no, no. No. I have
a full slate of patients.

I just wondered if you would
take them over for me.

Why don't you just cancel them?

No. I hate to cancel.
It's a sign of weakness.

You can handle it.
There's nothing unusual.

There's a mother fixation and a couple
ofclaustrophobics and a manic-depressive.

Sounds normal.

- What do you say, Bob?
- Okay, Frank, I'll take over.

I'll tell my secretary
you'll be there tomorrow afternoon.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

[Chuckling]

[Both Chuckling, Laughing]

[Tapping]

I need an ice pick.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Howard.
You wanna play through?

No, no.
I'm playing golf tomorrow.

I got everything I need.

Maybe I am, uh,
missing a club or two.

Let's see, Howard. You got the spoon,
the mashie, the niblick.

All you need now
are a pair of knickers.

You can't play
with that old equipment.

- Yeah, you're right, Bob. Can I borrow your 2-iron?
- Sure.

And your 3 and 4
and your 5...

and your 6 and your 7 and your 8
and your 9 and a few drivers?

- Sure, Howard.
- And maybe you have an extra golf bag...

and some tees and some balls?

How about one of those little
stubby pencils for keeping score, Howard?

I got that right here.

- Right in the den. Take what you need.
- Thanks a lot.

- Thanks, Bob.
- [ Door Opens]

Hi, honey.

- Hi.
- Thanks a lot, Bob.

These will just have to do.
Hi, Emily. HLJer.

Howard, where you goin',
night school for caddies?

No, but I used to caddie,
and I was very good at it.

I'll see you, Bob.
Thanks a lot.

' [Whack]
- Sorry,

Oops. Uh, not your bag, Bob.

Sorry.

Wonder who he caddied for,
the Three Stooges?

You two usually come back
from charity work in a pretty good mood.

- What's wrong? - Takes an awful lot
of money to build a new hospital wing.

We're running out of time.
We're running out of people.

Don't worry about it,jerry.
You can't do it all byyourself.

Jerry doesn't understand that.

He is the most tireless
and dedicated worker I've ever known.

Bob, you know,
he got $100 out of Phil Newman...

and you know how impossible it is
to get any money out of him.

He still owes me 1 O bucks
from the Wolcott-Marciano fight.

- How'd you do itjerry?
- He was sittin' in a dentist's chair.

I told him, if he didn't contribute $100,
I'd drill a hole in his face.

[Laughing]

Well, we all have to make
certain sacrifices.

Aw, honey, it's almost over,
and then I can start cooking for you again...

and you don't have to eat
any more of those, uh, turkey dinners.

- Roast beef.
- You're kidding.

I never saw it that color before.

- Maybe it's fish.
- Oh.

Sorry. Dr. Walburn isn't here today.

He went tojail.

Yes, I know. I'm Dr. Hartley.
I'm taking over for him this afternoon.

Oh, yes, of course.
He told me.

I'm Miss Brennan,
but I've only been here for a week.

Why don't you start
by pulling out the files...

of the patients I'm going
to see this afternoon...

sol can familiarize myself
with their case history?

I'm not sure I should take the files
out of the drawer.

I should tell you something
Dr. Walburn told me when I first started here.

- What's that?
- He said, um...

“Psychology is a very private
affair, Miss Brennan...

and we don't wantjust anybody
to know who's coming in and out of here.“

Well, that's-that's true, but-

I mean, it's all right
if the psychologist knows.

O keyd o key.

Why don't you, uh,just-
[Clears Throat]

Just bring 'em in
when you're finished there.

O keyd o key.

Oh, Dr. Hartley,
one more thing.

I think I should tell you.
Dr. Walburn is a little funny about his toys...

so please don't play
with the pachinko machine.

[Intercom Buzzing

[Pachinko Balls Clattering]

- [ Buzzing Continues]
- [ Clattering Continues]

Yes, Miss Brennan?

You were playing with
the pachinko machine, weren't you?

Yes, I was. I'm sorry.

That's okay.
I do it myself sometimes.

Oh, your first patient is here.

- Oh.Who-Who is it?
- It's a man.

You want to send him in
and bring in his file?

Okeydokey.
Oh, before I forget.

Here's your pencil,
and here's some paper.

Miss Brennan,
there's no point on the pencil.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That'll, uh-
That'll be all.

You mean I'm fired?

Just for that?

No. I meant that'll be all
for the time being.

Oh. Good. The last doctor
I worked for said “That'll be all“...

and he meant forever.

And so did the dean
at the secretarial college.

And so did my ex-husband.

So you can see why
I'm a little sensitive...

to the phrase “That'll be all.“

Well, that'll be, uh-

- That'll be fine for right now.
- Oh.

Do you want to send him in
and bring in his file?

- Okeydokey?
- All righty.

Jerry, you've been here for 1 O minutes.
You haven't said a word.

Eleven minutes.

If I can make another 39 minutes,
my session will be over.

Jerry, I mean, as long as you're here
and as long as I'm here-

And I'm a psychologist
and I'm your friend.

I am your friend, aren't Ljerry?

You're my best friend.
You're there when I need you...

and I know
you always understand.

- Well, let's- Let's talk about it.
- You wouldn't understand.

- I don't understand that.
- You see?

Believe me. I would have come to you in
the first place if you were anyone else but you.

Jerry, I get the feeling
this has something to do with me.

It does.

What did-
What did Dr. Walbum suggest?

He suggested that I come right out
and tell you about it-

be honest,
lay the whole thing out.

Uh,jerry, I have an idea that might
make it a little easier for you.

Uh, why don't you just pretend that, uh-
that I'm Dr. Walburn?

Who am I supposed to be?

You be you.

I don't like my part.

- [ Sighs]
Jerry, look, let's-

Let's try it
and just see what happens.

I mean, we got 35 minutes left.

Okay, Bob.

OkayJerry, what, uh-
What seems to be the problem?

Well, uh, Dr. Walburn,
do you know Bob Hartley?

- Yeah.
- Psychologist down on the seventh floor?

- Yeah.
- My best friend?

Yeah.

I'm in love with his wife.

[Snap]

[Softly]
Emily?

Em-Emily?

[ Loudly]
Emily.

Hmm?

Never mind.

What is it, Bob?

You didn't have to turn the lights on.

I wanted to see
who was yelling at me.

You feel like, uh-
like talking for a while?

More than anything.

That was, uh- That was
really a great dinner you made tonight.

- Thank you, Bob.
- All my favorites.

- I had, uh, three pieces of the
homemade apple pie. - Four.

Homemade apple pie
made me very happy.

Bob, I really wish
it had made you sleepy.

- I'm sorry, honey. I really have to-
- You know, we, uh-

We really have a great marriage...

good friends.

Yeah, that's true, Bob.

Like, uh, Carol and Howard.

- Uh-huh.
- Sylvia andjack.

- Bill Sheppard.
- Yeah, that's right, Bob.

That's, uh- That's all I had on my mind.
Let's go back to sleep.

It's been nice
chatting with you, Bob.

Jerry's a good friend too.

That's it, isn't it, Bob?

You want to talk
about me andjerry.

You, uh- You know
about you andjerry?

Well, Bob, I mean,
during the last month...

I have kind of noticed
thatjerrys, uh...

well, infatuated with me.

How do you-
How do you feel about that?

- Terrific.
- What?

Well, you gotta admit
it's flattering to have somebody...

watching your every move
with loving and adoring eyes.

Yeah. I had a beagle once like that.

Yeah, it is a nice feeling.

Well, honey,
it's just a passing thing.

He'll get over it soon.

You know, Bob, I once had a girlfriend.
Her name was Karen Sperling.

- And her husband's best friend fell
in love with her. - And what happened?

They ran away together.

I don't care for that story.

Well, honey,
it has a happy ending.

She and her husband
got back together again...

and they're living in upstate New York
in a vine-covered cottage.

- And they're very. Very happy-
- Of course they're happy.

They've probably got a family of dwarfs
next door whistling all the time.

What we're talking about here
is not a fairy tale.

Jerry is-
He's really in love with you.

Oh, Bob, don't be ridiculous.
]erry's known me for five years.

How much in love with me
could he be?

Well, enough to pay $35 an hour
to talk about it.

That much?

Oh, Bob, now I really
feel terrible.

Well, I'm sorry you feel terrible...

but I'm- I'm glad you don't
feel the way he does.

You-You don't, do you?

Oh, Bob.

I love you.

I mean, that's one thing
you never have to worry about.

That's all I wanted to hear.

_?

Now I'm wide awake.
What am I gonna do?

Why don't you have some pie?
There's one piece left in the refrigerator.

So, it just seems that
I'm plunging headlong...

into an irreversible course
of self-destruction.

Well, I see our time's about up.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Bob, I want to apologize again
for that mix-up withjerry yesterday.

I forgot thatjerry was a Thursday.
I thought he was a Wednesday.

I just hope you, uh- you know,
take care of that mess and solve it.

Yeah, well, don't worry about it.
I'm sure we will.

Good, good. Great.

Uh, Bob, in the meantime...

let's not forget that my life
is still a total disaster.

I think it might help, Frank,
if you were a little more open and honest.

You're right.

[Laughing ] And then the guy
says to the bartender...

“Well, in that case, I must have squeezed
a canary into my drink.“

[All Laughing]

I sure wish I could tell a joke
like you do, Frank.

Hey, sweetheart,
you look terrific today.

Gosh, I just wish
I wasn't married.

- You're not. - [E/e vator Bell
Ding; ] -That's right. I'm not.

- Hi, Emily.
- Hi, Frank.

Fine, fine.
Everything'sjust fine.

- Hi, dear.
- What are you doing here on your lunch hour?

Well, Bob, I really feel terrible...

and I-l wanted to-

I wanted to talk to you
about, uh, you know who.

Well, I wouldn't worry
about, uh-

about you know who,
'cause I think he's, uh...

kind of anxious to talk to us.

[Sighs]

If that was you know who,
he looks like a target in a shooting gallery.

Emily, why don't you go in the office?

Get mejerry on the phone, Carol.

[ Buzzing]

Jerry? Look, you, uh-
You can't keep ducking this thing.

Why don't you come down?

You're with a patient.

Jerry, you can't fill cavities
in a raincoat.

Your ceiling is leaking.

Jerry, come down here, will you?

He's on his way down. What, uh-
What are you gonna say to him?

Oh, Bob. I have absolutely no idea
of what I'm gonna say.

Well, I just wouldn't tell him about
Karen Sperling and the Seven Dwarfs.

Hi, Bob. Hi, uh, Emily.

Sit, uh- Sit dowmjerry.

Look, uh,jerry, this is kind of, you know,
a rough moment for all of us.

You know, I really
don't think so, Bob.

Now, the way I see itjerry...

if we canjust get rid of Bob,
it'll be smooth sailing all the way.

Come on, Emily.
It's not funny.

Well, that may not be a bad idea
about, you know, getting rid of Bob.

It might be easier
for the two of you to talk...

if I wasn't in the room,
so maybe I'll, uh-

I'll go in the other room.
I'll be, uh...

right outside the door.

Uh, just outside the door.

Could I get you a magazine?

Emily, I know it's ridiculous. I knew
it was ridiculous when it was happening.

I just couldn't help myself.

WelLJerry, I mean, was it my fault?
Was it something that I did?

Yes. Well, I-l mean, no.

- But I- I think I know what you mean.
- You do?

Yeah. I think we put in so much time
together on the charity project.

You know, it was- Well, it was like
we were almost married.

Yeah. Yeah, except
we never had an argument.

I guess I'vejust never spent so much time
with any one woman before.

It was really nice-
having someone who cared for me...

working together on something
that we both believed in.

We were really dedicated, Emily.

Yeah. I guess there are a lot of people
falling in love at the Ford Foundation, huh?

Emily, I know you're trying
very hard not to be serious about this...

but, for a while there,
I really did love you.

Hey, did you hear
what I just said?

I said I loved you. I mean,
when I said that out loud...

it really sounded dumb.

OhJerW-

Love's not dumb.

And besides, I love you too-

as a friend.

And I always have,
and I always will.

- So, okay, huh?
- Okay.

L, uh, forgot something.

I'll just get it
and get out of here.

It-lt's okay, Bob.

See, uh,jerry and I
arejust about finished.

Oh. Good.

Yeah, everything's
gonna be okay now, Bob.

It'll just take me a little while
to get back in the swing of things.

- [Knocking]
flute.

Excuse me, Bob.
Miss Brennan has to talk to you.

Dr. Hartley.

I can't find the files
I gave you out of Dr. Walburn's.

- Did you steal them?
- No. No, I didn't, Miss Brennan.

Did you ever think that maybe
you might have misfiled them?

Not a chance.

Listen, I'm not doing anything.

Do you want me to come over
and helpyou out?

Why, thank you.
That'd be nice.

Afile hunt.

- You know, Emily, the man has
amazing recuperative powers. - Yeah.

[Laughing]
I'll see you later, Bob.

Sweetheart, you take care
of yourself, huh?

[Laughing]

Bob. Bob, I want you
to know one thing.

These last few days
have not been lost on me.

- What do you mean, Carol?
- I'm not stupid, Bob.

And I know exactly
what's been going on here.

I know why Dr. Walburn
has been down here all the time...

and I know why Emily andjerry
were down here the other day.

- Why?
- Because you, Dr. Walburn andjerry...

were thinking of making
a business investment together.

However, Emily got wind of this
and did not like it one bit...

because she completely distrusts Dr. Walburn,
as well she should.

So she askedjerry to get
more information about him...

by dating his secretary,
Miss Brennan...

who is obviously incapable
of relaying information ofany kind.

So the deal is off.
Am I right, Bob?

That's amazing.

[ Mews]