Original subtitles

- [ Rings] - Hello?

[Typing]

I know, Don. I didn't sleep a wink either.

Seems like an eternity, doesn't it?

What?

An eon?

Oh, Don, you're so deep.

Oh- Oh, why, Don, you devil.

[Giggles]

Oh! Oh, well, uh, I'd better be saying good-bye now.

I can't say that on the phone, It would embarrass me.

Uh-

[Clears Throat] All right, um... ditto.

Ditto.

Oh, ditto, ditto.

[ Kisses]

- Well, hLJer. - Ditto.

- Finished with the letteryet? - All done.

“Dear Mrs. Willett, just a reminder...

“it's been six months since Ricky's last appointment.

I love you with all my heart and soul. Dnjerry Robinson.“

Sounds good to me, Carol. just mail it right out.

I don't knowJer. I guess I had my mind on something else.

- Oh, really? Gee, you'd never know it. - Oh! Are you being sarcastic?

Me, sarcastic? No!

- Is, uh, Bob in? -Yes, he's in.

- Good. - [ Elevator Bell Dings]

Uh, now he's in.

- Morning, Carol. HLJerry. - Bob, I have to talk to you.

Fine. Oh, uh, Carol, do I have any messages?

Uh, no. No.

Uh, but, Bob, wait. Did you find that magazine that had Don's article in it?

Yeah, yeah, finally.

It's kinda hard to get your hands on a copy of Pharmaceuticals Illustrated.

- Oh. - Well, the title was kinda provocative.

You know- “Cough Syrups Versus Throat Lozenges: Take Your Choice.“

I- Listen, he only writes those articles for a living.

He really wants to be a novelist. Did I tell you that?

- Yeah, you told me that. - Come on, Bob. I really have to talk to you.

Door's stuck.

Jerry, I, uh, have an idea.

[Phone Rings]

Dr. Robinson's office.

Oh,just a moment, please, It's for me. Do you mind?

Mind? Me? No! Why should I mind? [ Laughs]

Jerry, has my door done something to upset you?

Oh, no.

It's not your door, Bob. It's Carol.

She's doing a terriblejob.

Well, I wouldn't say it's terrible.

I think she's been a little preoccupied.

She's going through a period of, well, being in love.

I know all about that, Bob. I know all about Don.

I'm sick of hearing about Don. Did you know yesterday the cleaners lost his pants?

They didn't lose his pants. The delivery truck had a flat tire.

- He got 'em last night. - Oh. Good.

She'll be all rightjerry. lust...

give her a chance.

Oh, Bob, I've given her a chance.

I've given her lots of chances.

I've tried to look the other way. Made up littlejokes about it.

I've even dropped a few insignificant hints.

Have you, uh-

Have you tried telling henjerry?

That's not my style, Bob. My style is being witty, clever, cute.

Move that-

You mean, like yesterday...

when you told her you were gonna have the phone surgically removed from her ear?

- [ Laughs ] Yeah. That was clever, wasn't it? - Perfect squelchjerry.

Yeah.

Well, Bob, I mean, doesn't it make you mad to know that she's out there...

holding a love-in on your time, possibly ruining your business?

Doesn't that rile you, Bob? Doesn't that stick in your craw?

Doesn't that make you wanna jump out there and tell her to shape up?

No.

Well, why not, Bob?

Jerry, those are things that bug you.

You should be honest with her. Tell her the way you feel.

That's right, Bob. I'll do that.

OhJerry, listen, I was wondering- Are you unhappy with my work?

Me? No! Why should I be?

I gotta rush.

Hi, honey. I'm home.

Hi, dear. Where's the cake?

- Cake? What cake? - Howard's birthday cake for the party tonight.

I called Carol. She said she'd give you the message.

The only message I got was that her boyfriend Don had a pepper steak...

and he had a sneezing attack.

Yeah. She told me that. Did she also tell you he's having trouble with his feet?

- No. - Yeah, he's got this funny thing with his arch-

Emily, don't tell me. I wanna find out tonight when I meet him for the first time.

Well, I guess I'd better go get the cake. What bakery is it at?

- The one in your office building. - That's a little far.

- I'll go to the corner and get onejust like it. - Good luck.

It's shaped like a 747 and says, “I'm Howard. Fly me.“

- Hi, Carol. - Hi!We're here.

“We're“? Where's Don?

Jfl Humming “Hail to the Chief“ ]

SEQ“;

- This is Don. - Hi.

H-Hi, Don. We've heard a lot about you.

I've heard a lot about you too.

Except I would have known you anywhere anyway. Happy birthday, Howard.

[Carol] Oh, n-

These are the Hartleys. Bob and Emily.

Wow, this is a nice place you got here, Bob and Emily.

Oh, thank you.

Wow. Ooh. I see.

It's not just an apartment.

This is a home.

A place where, at the end of a day...

a man can slip into his smoking jacket and say...

“This is what it's all for.“

This is a haven, a-

a-a-a fortress.

It's a shelter against the sea of life.

How manyjohns you got?

- Two. - Perfect.

Uh, Don, why don't you sit down and, uh, rest your feet?

- Yeah. Honey, why don't you make some drinks? - Sure.

- Carol? - A glass of wine, Bob.

- Fine. Red or white? - Well, whatever goes with potato chips.

- That'd be red. - Oh! He knows everything.

Oh, there's nothing like the delicate bouquet...

of a scarlet wine...

when it cloys impishly to the roof of your palate.

What would you like, Don?

I'll have a beer.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - Oh! That must be the birthday boy.

Aren't we gonna hide?

- It's not a surprise party. - Oh.

- But you can hide if you want to. - [ Laughing]

Doorbell Buzzes 1

_ Hi' eve Wb ' Hi! Ody!

Well, I'm a year older. Do I look any different?

You don't look any different at all. Happy 40th.

Sorry we're dressed this way, but we're flying out in a couple of hours.

Carol, do you remember Mary Ellen?

- Yes. Hi. - Hi, Carol.

Howard, I'd like you and Mary Ellen to meet a very good friend of mine.

- Don Livingston. - Hi, Don. How are you?

Well, 4O years ago...

they dragged you kicking and screaming into a world you didn't even make.

And today you're soaring over it.

Well, Godspeed, and...

may the wind be at your tail.

Wow. That was beautiful.

Yeah. Yeah, that wasn't bad.

Oh, hi, Howard. Hi, Mary Ellen.

- Happy birthday, Howard. - Thank you

Well, Howard, this is the big one, huh?

- Yeah. - The old 4-0.

Don't worry about it, Howard. We all have to face it someday.

Howard, I don't thinkyou've aged a day in the five years that I know you.

Yeah, but I'm, uh-

I'm starting to slow down a little.

Well, I'm not exactly slowing down. I'm-

I'm sort ofin a holding pattern.

Actually, I'm picking up steam.

I never felt faster in my whole life.

Uh, Howard, Mary Ellen, would you like a drink?

Yeah, I'd like a scotch and soda.

Do you thinkyou should? We have to fly out of here in four hours.

Oh, that's right. Nothing for me.

I'll have a double gin on the rocks.

Thought you said we're flying out in four hours.

Well, I don't have to do anything except smile coast-to-coast.

Okay, I know where it is.

So, uh, how's- how's everything going, Don?

Oh, Don, tell him what you told me yesterday.

You mean about getting my hair caught in a door?

No, what you said to me about listening to people.

Oh! Uh, yeah.

“When you're an observer of the human condition...

“you must listen with one ear to the voice...

“one ear to the mind...

and the other ear to the heart.“

That's, uh- That's a lot of ears.

Oh! Now can't you see why I've got my head in the clouds at the office, Bob?

- Now I know. - [Knocking]

Come in. Oh, hLJer. How are you?

- I've been stood up. - Oh, no.

Yeah. I don't understand it. Gail's not the kind of person to do that to me.

- Gail? - That's right.

- Uh-oh. - “Uh-oh“ what? What “Uh-oh“?

Uh-oh, you're right. She's not the kind of person to stand you up. She left a message.

- I never got a message. - Well, I-it's at the office...

in my Bride magazine, keeping my place.

- What? Jerry, I'm sorry.

But I can remember it. I know I can. I'll paraphrase it.

It said, urn, Don't pick me up at my apartment.

I'll meet you at the aquarium.

And don't be late, because the aquarium closes at 8:00.

It's 9:30.

That means Gail's been standing on the steps of the aquarium...

a hundred feet from the lake, for an hour and a half...

with that cold Lake Michigan wind whipping through her frail body?

Oh, that's good stuff.

Jeri')!-

Well, I'm gonna see if I can catch up to Gail. Bob, Emily, I'll see you later.

Happy birthday, Howard. Don, nice to have met you.

Don't stand up. I know about your feet. Mary Ellen, nice to see you again.

And, Carol, you're fired.

Except for that part about being fired, he seemed like a nice guy.

Carol, stop packing. You're not going anywhere.

Ah! I've been fired. Remember?

And I am merely packing up some of the lovely mementoes given to me by the doctors...

during my long years of dedicated service.

My pen and pencil set.

Ah. Complementary nose drops.

And this permanently engraved cup which reads...

“Our Girl Forever.“

- Ha! - [Cup Slams On Desk]

Now all I'm missing is my autographed whoopee cushion.

- It's in the storage cabinet. - [E/e vator Bell Ding; ]

Hi, Bob. Hi, Carol.

Oh, there he is. Whoopee.

- What are you doing? - I'm leaving.

You didn't think I was serious last night, did you?

- See, Carol? He wasn't serious. - I was, Bob, at the time.

But later, at the aquarium, I was talking to the night watchman.

You know what he said? “To err is human, to forgive divine, Mac.“

So...

I thought about it, and I decided to do the divine thing.

You can come back, Carol.

Aw, j er.

Is this the part where I fall to my knees and kiss your tunic?

I tried.

Jerry wants you to come back. We all want you to come back. You're not fired anymore.

Bob, why should I come back to work at a place where one of the men I work for hates me?

L- UhJerry, you, uh-

-you don't hate her, do you? - No.

- An-And you want her to come back, right? - Yeah.

- And you're sorry that you fired her? - Right.

Why do I get the feeling Bob's a ventriloquist?

Look, Carol, what do you want me to do, beg you?

That would be nice.

All right, um, please come back.

We, uh- We need you, and we- we want you.

- And? - And, uh-[ Mutters]

- What? - I'm sorry.

- Now, will you come back? - Oh...

well, okay, I'll come back.

Good. But there are gonna have to be some changes around here.

Oh,jerry. What changes?

Well, we're gonna have to get some powdered milk for the coffee, for one thing.

- That's no problem, is it, Carol? - No.

And you're gonna have to type up decent letters.

- That is certainly reasonable, isn't it? - Reasonable.

- And get my messages to me? - You can do that, right?

- Indeed, yes. - Good. We're back to business as usual.

Oh, terrific. I can't wait to call Don and give him the good news.

Oh-oh-oh-oh! You see, that's, uh- that's the other thing.

Personal calls? There won't be any.

Not at any time, and not to anybody.

Not incoming, outgoing, none of that stuff.

Especially, and including, your boyfriend, Dr. Scholl.

Just a minute, Dr. Robinson.

Now, you cannot tell me not to have personal calls...

because I am a person and I have a life.

The only way to have that life is for you not to tell me how to live that life.

- Youjust about finished? - No. I'll tell you the rest after I call Don.

- Don't forget to tell Don that you've been fired again. - Again?

- That's right! - Well, good!

Now you canjust cough up another two weeks' severance pay!

At least I'm already packed.

Oh, uh, Carol, would you make an appointment at the barber for me?

Bob, I can't make any calls for you...

I can't make any calls forjerry, I can't make any calls for myself...

because, well, I don't work here anymore.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings] - I've been fired.

All right. I could call myself.

I hope you guys understand. I fired her, I hired her back, then I fired her again.

I've lost all perspective, so whatever you guys decide, it's okay with me.

The woman is a detriment. Let's dump her.

Wait a minute, Phil.

Carol has always been very nice to me...

and she seemed to have a genuine interest in urology.

In three years, she never dropped one specimen.

Well, I think we all like Carol. There's no argument about that.

Well, if you want my professional opinion of her work, it stinks.

If you want a second opinion, he's right.

Well, I'll have to admit maybe lately she's been a little remiss.

- But I- - I think we should can her.

- You know what I think? - What, Bernie?

I was thinking how nice it was we could all get together in your office, Bob.

We haven't done this in a long time.

It boils down to this- lfshe's not doing thejob, we bounce her.

- [ Phone Ringing] - I mean, what do we need her for?

- [ Ringing Continues] - For that, for one reason.

- Hey, uh, Bernie, get the phone, will ya. - Why me? Let Phil get it.

I just sat down.

- Do you want me to get it? - Forget it, Ralph. We're having a meeting.

- Just let it ring. - Let it ring? What do you mean?

We're doctors. Let the dentist get it.

- Never mind. I'll get it. - [ Ringing Continues]

Could be a sick person.

You know, really this is very easy.

Carol comes late in the morning, she leaves early...

and she keeps the phone tied up with her personal calls.

- Sol say we dump her. - I really don't think it's been that bad.

It was Carol's hairdresser.

Ball game! Ball game!

She's out.

Wait. Carol works for all of us.

I think all of us should decide whether she goes or stays- notjustjerry, not just you.

He's absolutely right. This is a democracy.

No, it isn't. It's a doctors' office.

We are talking about life and death here.

Phil, you're a plastic surgeon. What's life and death about a nosejob?

- I think we have to vote. - [ Phone Ringing]

- Your turn to catch the phone, Phil. - My turn?

We're taking turns? Oh, goody.

Well, what are we voting on?

- [ Ringing Continues] - Hey how do you work this thing?

- Wait a minute. I'll show you. - I'm gonna go make some coffee.

Well, the two of us can't vote. We're not a quorum.

- Phone for you, Bernie. - Oh, excuse me, Bob.

Hello? Oh.

Oh,yes, Mr. Evans. Yes. What? Oh, no, no.

You can't fool around with that kind of stuff byyourself.

Come in and let me take a look at it.

Do you dial eight or nine for an outside line?

Would it be okay if I made tea instead of coffee?

- No, I'd rather have coffee. - Well, make it yourself. I'm having tea.

- Anybody know the number of the hospital? - [Newman] No.

[Ringing Continues

- Why doesn't this phone stop ringing? - [ Ringing Continues]

This looks like an ant farm.

Can we take a vote on this thing? I've got a 2:30 face-sanding.

Uh, no, she's not here.

- I call for a vote. - I second!

- There are only five of us. What about the other six doctors? - They'll do whatever we say.

Wait a minute. Totten filled out a proxy.

Since he went to the trouble of filling it out, we ought to see what he has to say.

- Oh, a proxy. What does it say? - “Either way.“

Okay, are we all set to vote?

How do we do this? I think it should be a secret ballot.

- Why don't we just raise our hands? - What's secret about that?

All right, we'll put our heads down on our desks.

Why don't we get scraps of paper, write on 'em, and throw 'em in a hat?

Okay, that's a good idea.

All right, “Yes“ means we keep her and “No“ means we dump her.

- We've got a problem here. - What?

- No hat. - Maybe we could use a bowl.

- I've got one in my office. - No, no! No, no!

L-I don't think so.

Hey, Bob, uh, get that guy's, uh-

Uh, sir, excuse me.

We're taking a vote here, and I wonder if you'd be kind enough to lend us your hat...

to sort of, you know, vote into.

Oh, voting, huh? Sure. Only in America.

It'll just be a minute.

- I still don't see why we just couldn't raise our hands. - Oh, no, this is better, Phil.

I think a secret ballot is important.

All right, here we go.

“Yes. Bernard Tupperman, MD.“

All I had was my business card.

another “yes?

One “No.“

“Dump her.“

This one doesn't have anything.

Well, I, uh, abstained.

Why? You're the one who fired her in the first place.

- I call for another vote. - I'll just abstain again.

I get the feeling we're gonna be locked up in a hotel room all night.

We gotta keep voting till we break the tie.

Maybe I could helpyou out. Could I vote?

No, no. You don't know the issues.

Then there's no difference between this and any other election.

I'm afraid we couldn't let you vote.

Okay.

If I can't vote, I want my hat back.

I don't know. I couldn't have gotten through this if it weren't for Don.

He is just a pillar of strength.

- [Grunts] Ooh! - Ooh!

Except for his feet.

Don't worry about that, Carol.

The thing that really hurts me is what you've been going through.

I mean, I'm not gonna let them do anything like this to you again.

Hemingway would never let this happen to his girl.

Norman Mailer would never let it happen.

Truman Capote would never let it happen.

Well, maybe that's not a good example. But you know what I mean?

We do, Don, and it's wonderful that you're sticking up foryour girl like this.

Well, what else can a man do?

[Emily Chuckles]

I mean, life is- runs in a circle here!

It's like a bunch of hills...

and we climb to the top and look down in the valleys...

and that's it.

I'm gonna soak my feet.

- Uh, the Epsom salt's in the bathroom, Don. - Perfect.

[Grunts]

Life is a...

bunch of hills.

- Hi, honey. - Oh, hi, dear.

Oh, hi, Carol. I'm glad you're still here. I got some great news.

Jerry will be right up. - Oh! You made my clay, Bob.

- What floor are we on? - The fifth.

- Too high. - Mm-hmm.

But, Carol, everything's gonna be all right.

Jerry wants to come over and do one thing- apologize, tell you he's sorry you left...

and- and watch the football game.

Oh, Bob, I hopejerry means it this time, 'cause I don't think Carol can go through this again.

He does, Emily. As a matter of fact, he cast the deciding vote.

Really, Bob?

He made a great speech about what a great person you were.

He said we should all be more understanding, and he demanded another vote...

and it was almost unanimous.

- What do you mean “almost“? - Newman.

- Yea h. - [Knocking]

Oh. Jerry!

Jerry! Oh, thank you, thank you.

And you were right- I was horrible. I was a terrible secretary.

It'll never happen again. I'll be much better, I promise.

It doesn't matter, because I came to fire you againjust kidding!

Say, Emily, I was wondering if you have a-

Oh. Wait a minute.

Aren't you the guy that keeps firing my girl?

-I guess I am. - Yeah?

- Are you gonna hire her back? - I already did.

I'm sorry I had to do that.

Ah, there they are now-

Drs. Hartley, Tupperman andjudas.

- It's very nice to have you back, Carol. - Thank you.

Oh, Bob.

Here. Let me get that for you.

- Oh. Good. - [ Phone Ringing]

And I'll get that for you. I think I know how this works now.

Hello?

Oh, hi- hi, Don.

It's good hearing your voice too.

Li- Life- Life is like a merry-go-round?

Wh-Wh-Why is that, Don?

They both have horses.

[ Mews]