All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s02e20 - Mind Your Own Business

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

Oh, you're, uh,
you're closed?

- Well, Bob, it is 5:00.
- It's three minutes to 5:00, Carol.

I'm open.

How would you feel
about sticking around...

and typing up this 48-page report
on group therapy?

Oh! I'd feel hostile.

Well, I wouldn't askyou if I didn't have
to have it first thing Monday morning.

Bob, I'd be glad to come in
early Monday and take care of it.

Oh, I'd say about
3:30 a.m. ought to do it.

- How about Saturday?
- Oh, I can't.

I'll be visiting my parents
in the morning.

It'll take me all afternoon
to get over it.

And Sunday I'm going
out withjerry on his boat.

That isn't a very good excuse
becausejerry doesn't have a boat.

Yes, he does, Bob.

- No, he doesn't.
- Yes, he does. I've seen pictures.

Jerry Robinson,
the orthodontist, has a boat?

- Yes, he does.
- No, he doesn't.

Now it is 5:00.
The next “Yes, he does“ is on overtime.

- Good night.
Jerry?

- Yeah, Bob?
- Do you have a boat?

Yes, he does.

No charge.

I was gonna tell you,
but I was a little embarrassed.

Why would you be embarrassed
about buying a little boat?

Oh, it's not so little, Bob.
Here, I got a picture of it. Here.

And here's the other half.

That isn't a boat,
it's a yacht.

Yeah, I guess
it is a yacht.

I own a yacht.

How can you afford
to own a yacht?

I went in on it
with two other dentists.

We write the whole thing
off as a business expense.

How can you write offa yacht
that's two pictures long as a business expense?

That's because it sleeps four,
so it's a business boat.

Ifit slept two,
ifdjust be a pleasure boat.

You mean, on Sunday
when you go out with Carol...

that's considered
a business trip?

As long as somebody
mentions the word “teeth“...

I can write off
the whole afternoon.

Jerry, I'm sure
you have a boat...

but how can you
afford it?

- Aha, you mean because you can't, right?
- Yeah.

I owe it all
to my new business manager.

I thought you were happy
with your old business manager.

I was, but he went bankrupt.

This new guy, Bob, he's the best
in the business- An absolute genius.

Maybe you'd like
to talk to him.

Jerry, I don't need
a business manager.

I can take care
of my own money.

Where's my wallet?

Here it is, Bob.

If you had a business manager,
you wouldn't need a wallet.

You just sign for everything.

The only reason I'm telling you about the
advantages of having a business manager...

is, frankly, I'd like
to see you do a little better than this.

I've given you tips before.
Havel ever given you a bum steer?

No,jerry. I'm just crazy
about my Studebaker stock.

That stock is not dead yet.
Do not sell that stock.

Who would I sell it to,jerry?

There's no harm
in meeting him, is there?

All right. I'll get together
with him sometime.

This guy's very busy.
He's booked weeks and weeks in advance.

Then I'll see him weeks and weeks
from now. There's no rush.

Bob, I thinkl better set something up
for you right away.

Jerry, I really don't
need a business manager.

Don't worry. By the time he's ready
to see you, you'll have time...

to cancel if you don't want
to see him.

He's probably not even
in his office.

Jeff? Oh, good.
It's meJerry Robinson.

I've got a friend who may be interested in
becoming a client of yours sometime in the future.

I'm wondering
if you could fit him in.

Sure, tax season, right.
Well, 1- Uh-huh. Yeah.

Hold on a second. I'll ask him.
I think he can see you, Bob.

- When can he see meJerry?
- Tonight.

- Hi, honey.
- Hi, dear.

Honey, how soon is dinner?

As soon as you fix it.
Remember our deal?

Oh, that's right.
Tonight's Friday night, isn't it?

- That means I cook.
- Yeah. What's it gonna be?

Lobster thermidor, chicken Kiev,
or beef Bourguignonne?

Uh, pizza.

I'll order some pizza. I have
this tremendous craving for pizza.

Too late.
I already ordered Chinese.

I just got a tremendous
craving for Chinese.

- Honey, you know what I'd like to do after dinner?
- What?

Let's go down
to Marshall Field's...

and pick out that new sofa
we've been talking about.

Wouldn't you rather meet
]erry's business manager?

Isn't that funny?

That was my second choice.

Well, I'm afraid
we have to.

Bob, why do we have to meet
]erry's business manager?

- It's a long story.
- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Which just became a short story,
because that's him.

Hey. How you doin'?

It's not him.

You ordered some food
from the Merry Mandarin?

- Yeah.
- Okay. You got your sweet and sour squid...

your pickled sea bass,
your moo goo gai pan...

and your pigeon-stuffed
rice cakes, $8.95.

Bob, I didn't order any of that.

Your name Wong?

No, Hartley.

Oh, yeah. it's right-

Chicken chow mein,
beef chop suey...

and two fortune cookies, $8.95.

Eight ninety-five?

Everything delivered
is $8.95.

For $8.95 we could
have had the squid.

It's just as well, Emily.

H ey, t h a n ks. Sayonara.

Bob, you still
haven't told me...

why we have to meet
withjerrys business manager.

Emily, I'm starved.
Let's discuss it over dinner.

[Knocking]

Hi. You on your way
to the trash, Bob?

No. This was just delivered.

- The Chinese food was just delivered.
- Oh, yeah.

- Well, Bob, here he is: Jeff Boggs,
my business manager. - Hello.

- Bob Hartley and his wife, Mrs. Hartley, uh, Emily.
- Hello, Emily.

- We didn't interrupt your dinner, did we?
- Uh, not yet.

If you folks haven't eaten yet,
why don't you just go ahead?

We really didn't
mean to interrupt.

In fact,
I can come back, uh...

March 12.

Oh, no, no.
I'll put it in the oven. It'll keep.

That way, an hour from now, instead of
being hungry, we'll have something to eat.

Well, Bob,
isn't he fantastic?

- Jerry, please.
- Oh, yeah. Right.

Bob,just ask him
anything you want.

- You want to sit down?
- Bob, come on.

Ask him something about business.
You know what I mean.

Well, I'm very glad you came,
and I know how busy you are, but-

See, this is sort of embarrassing
because, uh...

I don't think we want
a business manager.

If we had a business manager,
I don't know what we'd do with him.

Right. Well, you see,
basically, what I do for my clients...

is to save them more money
than they've ever saved before...

and I do that by putting them
into investments...

that could double their income
in four or five years...

and giving them tax shelters that could protect
them from the high cost of living.

There are people who simply aren't
interested in having a business manager...

and obviously, Bob,
you're one of them.

- Right.
- Right.

What was that one
about doubling your income?

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- That's not all he does. He also pays all your bills.

I never have any trouble
paying my bills.

That's because
I pay them, Bob.

- Oh, hi, Howard.
- Hi, Emily.

Excuse me.
Bob, did you get a Rolls-Royce?

- No.
- There's one in your parking space.

- Oh, that's mine.
- You left your television on.

I'll get it, okay?
Excuse me.

This guy is really good, Bob.

My Social Security number
is 352-22-7439.

Seven, four, three, nine.
That takes care of everything.

You understand that all your bills
and checks will be sent to me...

and I'll have a special checkbook
made up for you which I will keep.

Congratulations, Bob. From now on,
you won't even see any of your money.

- That's the way it is with me.
- Who handles your money?

My ex-wife and her lawyer.

From time to time,
I would like to see my money.

You know, like I want to buy a pack
ofgum or something.

How do we handle that?

What we do is, I put you
on a weekly allowance.

Emily, how much do you thinkyou need for
spending money and household expenses?

Oh, I-l think about, uh...

- eighty dollars.
- Eighty.

Eighty dollars?
That's kind of high, isn't it?

No, not necessarily. It depends on your
income. What do you make a year, Bob?

Uh-

It varies, you know.

Why don't you let me
make a guess, okay?

Here it is, Bob, the pocket calculator.
This is fantastic.

We're talking a one-bedroom
and den condominium...

Lakeshore Drive,
uh, view.

It's four rooms, antiques,
oil paintings and furniture, right?

- He can practically make that thing talk, Bob.
- I can hear it,jerry.

That's a psychologi-

Hi. Getting some candy.

Psychologist,
office in the same building asjerrys...

fees per session.

Income as schoolteacher,
wife, no dependents, and, uh-

Got my candy.

- That's about it. We'll hit the total button-
_ Uh_

- Could I- Could I see that before you say it?
- Sure.

- Is that pretty close to the figure, Bob?
- Uh, no.

That- That is the figure.

- Really fantastigjeff.
- Thanks.

You know, Emily,
$80 really isn't out of line...

but why don't we start you out
at 6O and see how you do?

Oh, 60.
No, I really don't-

Emily, I mean,
this is our business manager.

He's trying to save us money.

Oh, well, okay. Sixty.

Okay. And, Bob,
what do you need for the week?

- Spending money for the week?
- Uh-huh.

I'd say, uh, 40.

Forty. Well, I'll give you fifty.

Gee, thank you.

Congratulations, Bob.
Youjust got a $1 O raise.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Why don't you give it to me? I sure could use it.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi. Hey, I've been all over this building.

Could you please tell me
where the Wongs live?

I'm sorry. There are no Wongs
in this building.

Wong? That's me.

- You're Wong?
- Yeah. I always use the name Wong.

Get more for your money
that way.

- Hey, Harry! How are you?
- Hiya, Mr. Yee.

I thinkwe got
the right manJerry.

Oh, who cares?

Carol, have you been able to get
ahold of my business manager yet?

Just his voice, Bob.

I called three times.
All I get is a dumb recording.

“Hello. Fmjeff Boggs.

“I'm not in right now...

but when you hear the beep, you'll have
15 seconds to leave a message.“

Ugh! I just hate
those machines, Bob.

I hung up on it.

Carol, you can't take
machines personally.

It's just doing
its job, you know.

Well, I know,
and I'll try, Bob...

but it really bugs me
to talk to a machine...

that has a better
personality than I do.

Hi, Carol. You going to lunch today,
or can I sell you a sandwich?

No, no, Dee Dee, absolutely not.
I've stuffed myself lately.

- How about some yogurt?
- Okay.

I'll have some yogurt
and that submarine sandwich.

- Dee Dee, I'm gonna have a sandwich today.
- Oh, good.

We have some terrific
roast beef today, Dr. Hartley.

- How much is that?
- A dollar ninety-five.

Do you have anything else?

Well, the avocado and cream cheese
is terrific too.

- How much is that?
- A dollar forty.

Do you have anything
thafsjust fair?

Peanut butter and jelly,
95 cents.

I'll take it.

And could I get
a receipt for that?

A receipt?

A receipt for the sandwich.
You know, a receipt.

Listen, Bob,
I forgot to ask you.

I'm collecting
for Tupperman's birthday present.

- How much?
- Five dollars apiece.

Five dollars?
Last year it was two dollars.

Are we getting him
another one of those silly gag gifts?

Wait'llyou see it.
It's an exploding chair.

Seems sort of expensive.

Well, Bob, exploding chairs
don't come cheap.

Thirty-six dollars.
Hey, what's the matter?

It just seems
sort of frivolous.

It isn't gonna last that long.

[Paper Tearing]

Here you are, Dr. Hartley. Oh, in case
you get audited on your income tax...

I put down the license number
of the place where I live.

Hi, Bob. Carol, I'm going to the Palmer
House for lunch, be back at 2:00.

Right, but before you go,
Tupperman's gift.

- Huh? How much?
- Five dollars.

- All I got is a 20. Pay me later.
- Gotyou.

- Jerry, could I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure. What's up?

How much cash does
jeffgive you every week?

You know, Bob, my needs are different
than yours are. I mean, I'm single, you know.

- Yeah, I know. How much?
- Well, I don't eat home much.

- I'm always going out, so there's
an additional expense. - How much?

- I go to movies an awful lot.
- I get $50 a week.

I know.

Can you tell me
how much you get?

Well, my needs are different than yours, Bob.
He gives me what I need.

Are your needs more
or less than $50?

- It's more.
- I thought so.

It's a lot more.

I thinkl need
a lot more.

Take what you need, Bob.
Don't strap yourself.

Jeff will find a way
to deduct it.

Spend, Bob. Enjoy!

How are you all today?
Take her down.

[Jeff] Come on, Hal,
you know as well as I do...

that there is just not
that much difference...

between a million-two
and a million-four.

- [ Buzzing]
- Yeah, rightjust a second, Hal.

Yes? Okay, send him in.

Hal, that vacancy factor
is not more than three...

or four percent during
the school year, is that right?

Fine. I still want that property
near the university.

Right. What do you figure
the annual spendable is on that? Uh-huh.

Right. Memo to myself:
annual spendable not more than...

three quarters of a percent
during the school year.

Now, listen, Hal,
about that vacancy factor. Right.

If it's not more than three or four
percent during the school year...

we can sublease
during summer months.

Fine. Say, Bob,
would you like some coffee?

- No, thank you.
- Do you mind getting me a cup?

Now I don't want you
to worry about that 200,000.

Right. I absolutely
guarantee it.

Right. So I'll see you for lunch tomorrow,
about 12:30. Okay, fine.

Very good just black.

Right, and we'll-
we'll, uh-

Okay. Say hello to your wife.
Bye-bye.

Ah. Thank you, Bob.

- So, how you doing?
-just fine.

I was in the neighborhood.
I just thought I'd stop by the office.

- Well, I'm glad you did.
- So, how you doing?

Just fine. As a matter of fact, I was putting
together a deal for some of my clients.

It's just the kind of thing that
I'd like to see you get involved in-

sometime in the future,
when you can afford it.

It's an apartment complex,
and by the time I get through with this thing...

it's gonna be worth three
or four million dollars.

So, Bob,
what can I do for you?

Uh, can you
let me have $20?

What for, Bob?

Uh, I need it to live on.

Bob, what happened?

I gave you $50.
You said that would be more than enough.

I know, but there was
Tupperman's gag gift...

my train ticket,
and odds and ends.

Tupperman's gag gift?

Yeah, but the big expense
I didn't count on was the lunch...

I took you andjerry to, to celebrate
our new business relationship.

If you remember, I was lucky enough
to win the battle of the check...

and it came to over $18.

- You didn't use a credit card?
- Uh, no. No, I didn't,jeff.

Bob, you're gonna have to learn.
You must use a credit card.

Why don't you give me the receipt,
and I'll reimburse you.

L, uh-
I didn't get a receiptjeff.

- You didn't get a receipt?
- [ Clucking Tongue]

Bob, you must learn
that you must always get a receipt.

- I know that now. I got a receipt today.
- Ah.

Ninety-five cents for a-

- peanut butter-
- Peanut butter and jelly.

Bob, the easiest thing in the world
would be for me to give you that $20.

You know that, don't you?
After all, it is your money.

I'm glad you said thatjeff, because-
[Clears Throat]

It's sort of hanging
in the back of my mind.

But look at it this way.

If I give you the $20 now,
you might come back next week and ask...

for $20 more- and then the week
after that, another $20, Bob...

and 2O here, and 2O there, and pretty soon
we'll be back where we started from.

- I'm sorryJeff. You know-
- No, no, no.

It's all right, Bob.
It's all right.

I'm going to give you
the $20 this time.

But I just want you to learn
to be more careful.

Otherwise, we'll
be defeating our purpose. Okay?

Now, here's the 20, Bob, and-

Oh, gee. The smallest
I've got is a 50.

I can get that changed
at the bank downstairs.

Say, Bob- Why don't
you go to window three?

That's where they have the new ones.
I love new ones.

Oh. Hi, dear.

Did you remember
the Parmesan cheese?

Yeah. It's all here.

It's not very much
for $9.24.

For $9.24, you'd expect
a little bulk.

You know, eggs
are 89 cents a dozen?

Honey, groceries are expensive.
50's clothing.

50's gold.

I remember when you paid $9.24
for groceries...

you couldn't go
through the express line.

- Here's, uh, here's the receipt.
- I don't need it.

I just wanted to show you the receipt
so you'd know how much it was.

Bob, do you want
potatoes tonight or noodles?

I just wanted you to know how much it was
because it came out of my pocket.

Let's have noodles
tonight, okay?

Whatever, Emily.

You want to reimburse me
for this?

'Cause this is supposed
to come out of your weekly allowance.

Oh! Sure. How much?

- Uh. $9.24.
- Okay, let's see what we got.

Here's a five.

Oh. Four, nine.

And, uh, 24 cents.

Here's a quarter.

Keep the change.

See, you get a lot more money
than I do.

I mean, I only get $50.

That's all you can get.
That's the limit, you know, $50.

Well, next week,
be a little more careful.

Once you learn to live
within your budget, it'll be a lot easier.

Uh, Emily.
you want to sit down?

You're gonna tell me
a story, aren't you, Bob?

That's right, I am.

Emily, I remember
when I was a little boy...

my brother and I
used to go to the zoo.

But rather than look
at the elephants and the lions...

we used to like to go
in the farm animal section.

And the thing I remember
most was the ducks.

You know why?

Well, because of the way
they fed the ducks.

They had this
big mechanical feeder...

and if the ducks
wanted to eat...

they had to waddle up to it,
and get down on their knees...

and bang their beaks
on this mechanical feeder...

for a couple of pellets
to come down.

Bob, that is-

That is fascinating.

Uh. Emily?

- I'm not through.
- I know that, Bob.

The reason
I brought that up is...

I was atjeff Boggs's
office today...

and, uh...

I felt like a duck.

I mean, I can't take it.
I want out.

Oh, honey, maybe you just
had a bad day.

I had a great day.
I found 35 cents in my couch.

Emily, I-
I-l can't live this way.

If that's what you want, okay.

- I want it more than anything.
- Well,you got it.

Great. Great. I'll calljeff Boggs
first thing in the morning.

Tonight, let's go
to the Pump Room...

and we'll have champagne
and filet mignon...

and we'll run up a big bill,
and I won't even ask for a receipt.

Oh, Bob, that sounds wonderful.

And, honey, um,
after we have dinner, you know...

and we come back here, and we get undressed,
and we get into bed-

would you do me a favor?

- Yeah. - Would you tell me
again how they feed the ducks?

- Good morning, Carol.
- Hi, Bob.

Carol, would you get me
Jeff Boggs on the phone?

Sure.

Do you want me to transfer this
into your office?

No, I'll take it here.

- Hello?
- Hi.This isjeff Boggs.

- Jeff, this is Bob Hart- - I'm not here
right now, but when you hear the beep...

you'll have 15 seconds
to leave a message.

- Jeff, I can't live on the-
- [ Beeps]

I forgot to give my-
jeff, hi. This is Bob Hartley.

Hi. This isjeff Boggs. I'm not here right
now, but when you hear the beep-

- Carol?
- Bob?

Take a letter.

[No Audible Dialogue]

[ Mews]