Original subtitles

- [ Rings] - Hello?

Morning, Carol. Bob doesn't have a patient, does he?

No, but you do. “Specs“ Moscowitz.

Uh-oh. Gee, I really wanna talk to Bob.

Carol, could you take care of the kid for a few minutes?

- [ Moans] -just amuse him.

Give him a magazine. Let him read [ark and/ill

Carol, just... take care of it.

Just... take care of it.

Of course. Why not? Riskyour life.

Go ahead. [Mutters, indistinct]

Hey, Bob. I got big news. He'; coming.

- He's coming? - Right.

Jerry, you haven'tjoined some weird religious group, have you?

- I mean my brother. He's coming to Chicago. - Oh. Oh, your brother.

Well, not my real brother. He's adopted, just like I am. He's my kid brother.

Actually, in a way, he's my older brother...

because my folks didn't get him until he was 12 years old, but he's younger than I am.

- You understand what I mean, Bob? - No.

- I must have told you about him. - Oh. Oh, yeah.

Is that the one you're sending through dental school?

Right. Greg. He just graduated, and we were on the phone all morning making plans.

He's coming out here tojoin me in my business.

- Oh, like brother, like brother. - Right.

The kid's really looking forward to it. A long time ago, I promised him that...

if he'd make up his mind to become a dentist, I'd pay for his entire education.

You know what he said, Bob? He said, “Better than nothin'.”

Sounds real dedicatedJerry.

Oh, he will be when I get him all set up.

I got it all figured out. I'm gonna teach him all my tricks-

the deftness of my fingers, how to twist balloons into animals-

the whole thing.

When he's ready, I'm gonna set him up in his own office.

I'm gonna give him all the advantages I didn't have.

Sometimes when somebody's starting out, you-you can do too much for him.

That's where you're wrong, Bob. You can never do enough for him.

If you had a kid brother who was going into the shrink business...

you'd get him a couch, wouldn't you?

You wouldn'tjust let him wander around on window ledges...

- looking for his first patient, would you? - [Knocking]

Excuse me. I hate to interrupt you.

I knew you must be talking about something very important...

butjerry, I feel I should tell you that...

“Specs“ Moscowitz read [ark and/ill, learned how to build a campfire...

and is doing so now in your office even as we speak.

Ole!

[Rings]

Dr. Tupperman's office.

Ah, no, sir, he won't be back for a few days.

He's at a urologists' convention.

Well, why don't you just mail it in?

Uh-huh. Uh, yeah...

and why don't you just mark it: “This end up“?

- Hi, Carol. - Emily, hi.

- Are you here to have lunch with Bob? - Yeah. Is he with a patient?

No, he's not. He'sjust finishing up a paper for the psychologists' convention.

He'll be right out. Listen, I have to run to the little girls' room.

- Would you mind the store for me? - Oh, sure.

Thank you. Why do I call it a store?

Why doyou call it the little girls' room?

Hi there, you great big sexy man, you. [Seductive Laugh]

Why don't you finish up what you're doing, and I'll take you to lunch?

And then when we're done, you can have your way with me.

Oh. I'm terribly sorry, Doctor.

[Stammering] I must have pressed the wrong button.

I meant to press Dr. Hartley's button.

No, this isn't Carol.

No! I have plans for lunch.

Uh. Um, can I helpyou?

Boy, you sure could. You some great-looking chick.

[Laughs] Well, thank you.

Thank you. You see, a great-looking chick- it change my whole day.

What time you get out of work?

Oh, in about a minute or two.

- You work fast. - Yeah. So do you.

Uh, look, do you have some business here?

If I did. you made me forget it.

Some chick.

Uh, is-is- ls there somebody you want to see?

_ Uh_ - Thank you, Em.

Yes, sir. Could I helpyou, please?

You sure could. Do you have her phone number?

Well, yes, I do. And so does the man behind that door- her husband.

[Clicks Tongue] Ah,you're married, huh?

It'sjust as well. I would've broke your heart.

[Laughing]

What are you doing after work?

[ Laughing] Emily, can you believe the nerve of this guy?

Nothing.

- Hi, honey. - Oh, hi, dear.

Ah, you're the husband. You're a very lucky man.

She's some great-looking woman.

Yeah. I always thought she was attractive.

Bob, this is, uh-

I-I don't know who this is.

It's nice to meet you. Are you, uh- you here to see somebody?

No. I'm just hanging around trying to pick up girls.

- I don't believe it! - Hey!

Herman/to! [ La u g hi n g ]

Everybody, I want you to meet my brother, Greg Robinson.

- Dr. Greg Robinson. - That's me.

- Emily. - Yeah, Bob?

I wanna use the electric toothbrush, but the yellow one is missing.

Oh, honey, were you yellow?

Oh, I'm really sorry. I used it to polish the silver.

There's still blue and green.

I know, but I- I like the yellow.

Why don't you use the Waterjet? That has a yellow handle.

I don't like the Waterjet. It's too powerful.

The last time I used it, it almost blew my teeth out.

Why don't you give it back?

I can't.jerry's brother, Greg, gave it to me.

If I gave it back, it'd hurt his feelings.

I don't think anything would hurt his feelings.

Emily, you know, Greg is not insensitive.

I mean, he may be, uh, loud and obnoxious.

But after you get to know him...

you realize that he's... a little overbearing-

in a likable sort ofway.

He gets along with everybody.

- But? - The “but“ isjerry.

I mean, whenjerrys around his brother Greg...

he gets real quiet, and he sort of fades in the background.

And then if Greg tells a joke...

he laughs a little too hard and he- he slaps his thigh.

It's sort of like, uh...

Sammy Davisjr. around Frank Sinatra.

- And? - The “and“ is that, uh...

Jerry hasn't said a word about it, and I wish he would.

I mean, whenever anything's botheringjerry, he always says something to me.

But he hasn't said anything, and that kind of bothers me.

You know, like, I'd really like to share his troubles, you know?

Bob, you know, if you weren't a psychologist, you'd be a great bartender.

Twenty-nine...

30.

- Bob? - Yeah.

How come we did the same number ofsit-ups...

and you did 30, and I only did 15?

- Well, you know every time that you were down? - Yeah?

I was up twice.

Carol, I'm in the middle of this paper for the convention...

so no calls, no interruptions- no exceptions.

- Right, Bob. - Hey, Bob, you got a minute?

Oh, sorryJer. Bob's very busy.

Don't be silly, Carol. Come on in. Come on in,jerry.

So, what's, uh- What's on your mind?

Oh, nothing. You know, just... talk.

We, uh- We aren't talkingJerry.

Right. What about the Bears? Let's talk about the Bears.

Jerry, uh, sit down.

Remember a couple years ago when you found out you were adopted...

and you became very upset?

Sure, I was upset. You'd be upset, too...

if you were 3O years old before you found out you were adopted.

One day, you thinkyou're a chip off the old block.

The next day, you don't know who the old block is.

Remember, after our session, how much better you felt?

Oh, I felt great, Bob. I'm really sorry...

for putting my fist through your wall like that.

I had all this stuff churning around inside of me, and it just had to come out.

Yeah, well, maybe you got something else churning around inside now.

I don't know what it could be, Bob.

My dream has come true. My brother's here learning the business.

He's learning it real well, Bob. Real well.

He's already got my hands. Maybe even better.

He's the balloon king. Kids love him.

He does a giraffe in 1 O seconds. Ten seconds, Bob. That beats my old record.

Sure, maybe he comes on a little strong-

maybe a little too strong, maybe a little downright obnoxious-

as he tries to worm his way in everybody's heart.

But you gotta love him, Bob. I mean,you gotta.

I mean, he's my brother.

[Exhales] So, if there's anything bothering me, Bob...

I sure as heck don't know what it is.

Well,just for the sake of argument...

let's say that, uh, you know, it is your brother Greg.

Maybe you're seeing too much of him.

I mean, at the apartment, here at the office- it may bejust too much.

Right, like me and my shadow. Only I'm the shadow.

Greg's been here a month.

Maybe it's about time for him to go out on his own.

That's a very good idea, Bob. I'll get him an apartment.

I'll rent him an office in another neighborhood, maybe another country.

Maybe they need a dentist on Skylab.

Bob,jerry! I got a surprise for your life.

Come here, come here. Come, come.

- [ Chuckling] - What?

- There it is. - There what is?

- Me. - Huh?

Greg Robinson, D.D.S.

Room 755- right down that hall.

There's nothin' down that hall but a bathroom and... that empty office.

It's not empty no more, baby.

Your little Greg is movin' in. “Everything's great in America.”

Come on. I'll show you. [Clapping]

I'll catch up. I forgot something in Bob's office.

Jerry. no!

Just send me the bill, Bob.

- [Knocking] - Come on in, Howard.

How'd you know it was me?

Because- Bob would use his key...

Marilyn would walk right in, Bob's mother would ring the bell...

andjerrywould put his fist through the door.

- That's very good, Emily. I see you're setting the table. - That's right.

- How about unsetting it? - Why?

Well, since I have dinner here all the time...

I thought it'd be nice if I took you and Bob to dinner tonight.

Oh, Howard, that is sweet, but I already cooked dinner.

Oh, uh, well, that's okay.

I'll just go down to Eddie's Diner and grab a bite.

- Howard, don't do that. - Oh, that's okay. I like it there.

L, uh,just sit at the counter.

Sometimes, if Eddie's not too busy, he talks to me.

He used to drive a hearse.

He knows the name of all the cemeteries in Chicago.

Howard, don't be silly. I can always stretch dinner for one more.

Knows where all the crematoriums are, all the mausoleums.

Howard, look, I'm setting the table for three.

[Sighs ] Thank you. Every time I go in that place...

I get the feeling that Vincent Price is gonna come in and sit down next to me.

- Hi, honey. We're home. - “We're“?

- Yeah,jerry and I. - 0/1.

- Oh, hLJer. Hi, Bob. - Hi, Howard.

Oh, hi- HLJerry. What a surprise.

Oh, you weren't expecting me. That's okay. I'll just go and grab a bite someplace.

- Why don't you try Eddie's Diner? The food's terrific. - Oh, no.

Jerry, don't be silly. I can always stretch dinner for two more.

Bob, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?

- Sure. You want a drink? - I'd love a drink.

Great.

I invited Howard for dinner. Why didn't you call and tell me you were bringingjerry?

Because I didn't know you had invited Howard.

I don't think I have enough food for two more.

Look, Emily, Jerry's feeling kind oflow...

and I think it's good for him to be around people.

I'm sure you can stretch whatever we're gonna have. What have we got?

Two pork chops.

Well, if anybody can do it, you can do it.

Thanks for the vote of confidence.

Well, here we go.

Jerry tells me his brothefs throwing a big party at his place tonight.

I just couldn't face going back to my apartment.

You know, all those bongos and guitars.

This party's been going on for three days. I'd never catch up.

- How's his business going? -just like his parties. I'll never catch up.

Business is booming down at his end of the hail.

You've noticed lately, Bob, that when kids get off my elevator...

a lot of'em are turning left instead of right?

You don't think Greg is stealing your patients, do you?

No. I wouldn't call it stealing. It's more like luring.

It's all that sugarless gum and the comic books he gives 'em.

The walls in his waiting room are one big blackboard so that the kids can scribble on them.

He's got color television piping in cartoons all daylong.

Does he take adults?

Oh. Well, uh-

Well, I can see some of us need some cheering up.

Why don't we go to a movie after dinner, and I'll treat?

- Sounds great. - Terrific. So long as it's not West Side Story.

Okay, fellas, you can sit down. Dinner's served.

Howard's gonna treat us to the movies tonight.

- Oh, great. What time does it start? - The movie starts at 7:30.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's 7:20 now. Are we gonna be able to eat and get to the movies in 1 O minutes?

Oh, we'll make it,jerry. Trust me.

- Thanks, Emily. That was delicious. - Well-

- Y es' Cat (N. - ma“ RossX s have. Bob.

Oh, uh, send her in.

That's just temporary.

Won't you- Won't you have a seat?

The couch, huh?

- You can sit anywhere you want. - How about there?

Uh, that's- That's my chair.

Well, then I guess that leaves... the couch.

Since this is our first session, why don't we start by getting acquainted?

What do you mean by that?

- Just talking. - Oh.

You-You seem a little uncomfortable.

Well, I mean, a man and a woman alone...

in a room...

with a couch.

Why don't we start by your telling me what- what you thinkyour problem is.

I suppose you're gonna want to know every last, little intimate detail.

Well, only the ones you feel like telling me.

Well, I-l don't know how to talk about it...

because I have trouble expressing myself.

L-I don't know how to show my feelings.

Well, why don't we just take a moment, and you think about your feelings...

and try to bring them into focus?

And that way, you can express your true feelings.

Well, all right. I'll try.

[Exhales]

[Muffled Sob]

[Sobbing Loudly

You're certainly off to a good start, Miss Rossi.

It all started with my mother.

She told me that men were all alike.

She was right.

They're all a bunch of animals.

In the beginning, all they ever wanted to do...

was get their hands all over me.

[ Murmuring] ...touching my body.

- Tou-Touching your body? - Yes.

[Sobbing Continues

[indistinct]

- Disgusting? - Yes.

And he-he told me- [indistinct]

- To-Told you he was married? - Yes.

And then he took me- [indistinct]

Sordid weekend in Las Vegas.

Yes!

- What's that? - It's all right.

It's all right, Miss Rossi. just don't pay any attention to it.

- Go ahead. - [ Sobbing ] Well-

[indistinct]

- Oh, good. You got my note. - I'm with a patient.

Bob, I'm sorry. Excuse me, ma'am.

I know this is terrible, but I gotta talk to you. Excuse me, ma'am.

Bob, I cracked. I flipped out.

Jerry, I'm with somebody. He's-He's not a patient.

Well, maybe he should be.

I need you, Bob.just five minutes is all I need. Five minutes.

_Jel»I'y_ - Please.

Miss Rossi, could you- Could you spare five minutes?

- Well, really! - Uh, please.

- Oh, Bob, I'm sorry. - It's all right, Carol.

Would you take Miss Rossi and get her a cup of tea?

Why don't I just leave?

- I can cry at home. - Oh, no. Don't do that, Miss Rossi.

It's not always this way. Dr. Hartley is a wonderful man.

- [ Sobbing] He doesn't understand. - He does, he does.

Bob. Bob, Stevie Seldin quit me.

That kid has been coming to me ever since he thought I was the tooth fairy.

I'm waiting for him today. I'm standing by the elevator.

He gets off. He says, “Hi, Dr. Robinson.“

And he hangs a left. He went over to Greg.

WelLJerry, I'm sorry, but that's no reason to break up a session.

That's not why I'm here, Bob. I'm here because I retaliated.

I ran down to Greg's office, and I, uh, did a terrible thing.

I picked up a piece of chalk, and I- I wrote things allover his wall.

Things?

Nasty things, Bob. Really nasty.

WelLJerry, how do you know he knows you did it?

I signed my name.

Jerry, you can't solve anything by writing things on a wall.

You just- You've gotta have this out with Greg.

- That's it, Bob. I gotta confront him. - [ Door Opens]

Bob, excuse me, but you gotta see Miss Rossi.

She's about to have a breakthrough, and I'm out of Kleenex.

Sobbing

Jerry. -l understand, Bob. I understand.

[Whispers, indistinct]

[Clears Throat] Well, Miss Rossi, why don't we, uh...

try to start up where we left off last time?

Fine.

[Sobbing]

[indistinct]

- Said his name was Alex? - [ Indistinct]

Found-Found his wedding ring.

Yes. [indistinct]

Show-Showed you the newest dance?

Nudist camp!

[indistinct]

Jerry's in here, huh? Man, he's gone bananas or something.

My office looks like the bathroom in a subway station.

Greg, I'm with a patient.

- Oh, yeah. How you doin', babe? - [ Sobbing]

What's the matter with her?

That's what I'm trying to find out if you'll get outta here.

Okay, okay. I hope everything comes out okay, huh?

[Sobbing]

I'm- I'm sorry, Miss Rossi. This is very unusual.

L-I never have this many interruptions.

- Bob. Bob, you've gotta come out there right away. - Why?

Because I think the seventh floor is about to have its first fistfight.

All right. I'll take care of it, Carol.

Miss Rossi, you just stay here. Use all the Kleenex you want.

Carol, would you take care of her?

- [jar/y GregArgu/ng] - [ Sobbi n g ]

[indistinct]

- Come on, you guys. - I oughta make you write a hundred times-

“I've been a bad boy.“ EstzJp/do.

Look, I can write anything I want on those walls...

'cause I paid for those walls.

- Guys, this is a place of- - Look, man, do you mind? This is our fight.

Then why don't you take it outside? This is a place of business. I got a patient.

Not anymore. I'm leaving.

- Joan, I'm sure it'll be different next time. - I hope so.

And thank you, Carol, for hearing me out.

I just can't communicate with this person!

- Well, if you didn't shout! - That's the only thing he understands!

-[Whimpering] - You two, get in my office.

I tell you what I understand.

You don't understand nada!

- [ Door Closes] - I'm very sorry, Miss Rossi.

Oh, well, I'm not. Carol and I had a really nice talk.

She understands a lot more about men than you do.

And she certainly didn't-didn't cut me off...

in the middle of my... life story.

Thanks for taking care of that, Carol.

Oh, Bob. Bob, it was nothing.

Something very quiet is going on in there.

Greg 1 Ah, you think that's something, huh? Watch this.

You see how much can be accomplished by sitting down and talking things out...

rather than standing there and-and busting things up?

You know, Bob, you're right. I didn't realize what was buggingjerry...

until you got us to open up and talk about it.

He keeps it all bottled up inside.

It's like he rinses, but he never spits.

So, I guess it was my fault for being too dumb to see it.

No, it's not his fault. It's my fault, Bob.

He's his own man. lfl don't like his style, it's my problem, not his.

I don't think it's anybody's fault.

The main thing is you learn to live with each other-

only not in the same apartment and not on the same floor.

You're one hell of a shrink. Thanks for getting our heads straight.

Well, I really- I didn't do anything.

I just, uh, talked a little and listened a lot.

That's why you get the big money.

Well, I guess I'd better go.

To tell you that my heart is in the right place...

I'm gonna pick up the tab for the door.

I'll accept that, because I owe Bob for the first one.

It's a deal, brother.

M! “AMI

[No Audible Dialogue]

[ Mews]