All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s02e14 - T.S. Elliott

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

And when we weren't dancing,
I'd take her out to the veranda...

and we'd watch
the stars together.

- What are you doing here?
- You were two minutes late...

sol decided to start
where we left off last time.

Uh, go on.
Go on with that.

And after the dance, we took my
convertible down to the beach...

and watched the sun come up.

That was the last time
lever had fun on a date.

Well, we all have fond memories
ofourjunior prom...

but, I mean,
we have to move on from there.

I know.
That's what worries me.

I need another date.

My annual real estate banquet
is tonight...

and all my big clients
are gonna be there.

If I don't have a date,
I'm gonna look stupid.

- Who'd you take last year?
- I took a sweater.

- A sweater?
- Yeah, a pink angora sweater.

I draped it over the back
of the chair next to me...

and I told everybody my date was
in the powder room all evening.

Oh, here.
Oh, Mr. Carlin.

I didn't see you when you came in.
I'm sorry.

Excuse me.

- What about her?
- What about her?

You're thinking I should invite her
to the banquet.

I really hadn't
given it much thought.

Don't you think I'm
good enough for her?

Of course I think
you're good enough for her.

That's all I need.
I'm gonna ask her out.

Mr. Carlin, can't you wait
till the end of the session?

I'm gonna ask her right now
before I chicken out.

- Carol, here it is.
- [ Gasps]

- Aha! The 1974 Happy Tooth!
- Oh.

Well, it looks like
the '73 to me.

That's where you're wrong,
Carol.

Remember last year,
the gums were made of vinyl?

This year- space-age acrylic.

Jerry, this is really
one giant bite for mankind.

That's not the only improvement, Carol.
Wait till you hear.

- Hearit?
- Hello, boys and girls.

My name is Happy Tooth.
I'm going to tell you how...

[Slowing Down]
to clean your-

WelLJer, Happy Tooth
doesn't sound veerry haaappy.

That's not very funny, Carol.
This thing must be defective.

- Want me to call Ralph Nader?
- Oh.

Where's, uh-
Where's Mr. Carlin?

I don't know.
He came out of your office...

he looked like
he was gonna say something...

and then hejust suddenly
veered off.

He has been veering a lot.

Carol, I, uh-
I just want to, uh-

- Oh, certainly, Mr. Carlin.
- I want to, uh-

I don't wanna
go to the bathroom.

I wanna askyou
something important.

Uh, Mr. Carlin,
you want me to, uh- to leave?

I want you to stay here.
I'll need you in case she says no.

In case I say no to what?

To... going out with me.

Well, why should I say no?
I'd love to.

- Did you tell her to say that?
- No. No, I didn't.

- You mean you really wanna go out with me?
- Yes, I do.

I think I'm beginning
to lose respect for you.

- Oh, Bob, here's something you can throw away.
- Gee, I don't know, Emily.

But what possible use can you
have for a road map of Manitoba?

Look at it this way.
I mean, we could be lost...

and we could be in Manitoba.

This wouldn't be a bad
thing to have.

Bob, we have been at this
for one hour...

and the only thing you've agreed
to throw away...

is a halfa pack
of Blackjack gum.

All right.
I'll throw away the road map, but...

I'm keeping my orders
to report to Fort Hood.

Oh, Bob, look!

Our photo album!

Oh, look.
There's your team picture.

Oh, yeah. That's when we won the 1 O-man
Chugalug Championship.

How come there are
only three guys?

- The other seven fell out of the picture.
- Oh.

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

- Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.
- [Emily] H1; Howard.

- Can I borrow a little wine?
- Oh, sure. You want some sherry?

- Do you have any Burgundy?
- Uh, yeah.

- There you are.
- That's fine. That's enough.

Ah! Boy, that hit the spot.

I thought you
were cooking something.

I was watching this
Italian wedding on television...

and I got this tremendous
craving for some wine.

- Here's your spoon back. Thank you.
- Oh, you're welcome, Howard.

So, uh- Wow. Look at all this.
What are you guys doing anyway?

We're just, uh,
cleaning out drawers.

Oh, look at that!
Pictures. I love pictures.

Lois and I used to love
taking pictures...

but she didn't know how
to work the camera...

so all the pictures of us
are of her.

Hey, that's a good-looking
couple. Who are they?

That's just two of hundreds
of people that Emily tried to fix up.

That's Ed Wolfe
and Louise Wagner.

Ed used to be
a real good friend of mine.

Bob, I know I fix people up,
and I know you hate it.

But I don't always do so bad.
I fixed the two of us up.

Emily, one out of a hundred
is nothing to brag about.

- [Knocking]
- I'll get that. I gotta go anyway.

- I gotta get back to my Italian wedding.
- Thanks, Howard.

- Hi, Carol. How are you?
- Hi, Howard.

Emily, Bob. Howard,
I want you to meet Elliot Carlin.

I think we met before.

Uh, didn't you use to be
a little shorter?

Maybe you met me-

Maybe you met me
when I was a child.

- Maybe so. I'll see you later. Thanks for the wine.
- Bye, Howard.

- Bye-bye.
- You both look so nice.

Oh, thank you.
We're on our way to the banquet...

and Elliotjust wanted
to stop by and say hello...

and to thank you, Bob,
for fixing us up.

Oh. So it was Bob that got the two
of you together, huh? [Chuckles]

Gee, that's nice to know.

- Dr. Hartley, could I talk to you for a minute?
-Certainly.

- Out in your kitchen?
- Uh, fine.

- Good.
- Carol, you'll have to forgive the mess.

[Carol ] Are you kidding?
[Continues, indistinct]

- Somethings wrong, Dr. Hartley.
- What is it, Mr. Carlin?

-I think she likes me.
- That's good, isn't it?

- Yeah, but I can't figure out why.
- You've gotta be confident.

You have your own personality,
your own thoughts, your own looks.

- You're a real person.
- Hmm.

That's hard to remember when you're
wearing a hairpiece and four-inch lifts.

- You ready, Carol?
- Whenever you are, Elliot.

Oh, wait. Hold it.
just-just one minute. Whoops.

Uh, the two of you,
come up here on the stairs.

Uh, I wanna take a picture of the two of you
for our photo album, together...

so Bob and I will always remember.
[Chuckles]

- Smile, Mr. Carlin.
- I am smiling.

Oh, Elliot, this is kind of unusual,
isn't it?

I mean, a real estate banquet
in ajapanese restaurant.

Well, Mr. Nokamura, the president
of our company, owns a lot of restaurants.

Last year, we had it
at Nokamura's Delicatessen...

- and the year before that, Chez Nokamura.
- Oh.

Elliot, would you hold
my coat for a minute?

Iwannajust run
to the ladies' room.

Carlin, how you doin'?

- Fine. How are you, Miller?
- Okay.

I see you're moving
up in the world, Carlin.

You brought a coat this year
instead of a sweater.

- Oh.
- You call that a coat?

That's my date,
Carol Kester.

Carol, say hello
to Miller and his wife.

Hello. Uh,
pleased to meet you.

- You're doing okay, Carlin.
- [ Scoffs]

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

This way, please.

Shoes.

- Shoes?
- Please take off shoes.

- Why?
-japanese custom.

Please?

- May I take your coat?
- Thank you very much.

Oh, Elliot, this is
gonna be such fun.

- Elliot-
- Down here.

- Good morning, Carol.
- Oh, good morning, Bob!

Wonderful! j ust terrific!

We had a great time
last night.

I was gonna askyou what kind of evening you
had, but I guess there's no point to it now.

Oh, Elliot is just a gentle,
kind, decent, wonderful...

giving, loving, terrific,
perfect human being...

and I'm glad that
you fixed us up together.

Then I guess you'll
be seeing him again.

Unless you can find
somebody better.

I'm glad you had a good time, and I'm sure
Elliot will fill me in on the details.

Uh, details? What?
Bob, how detailed does he usually get?

Don't worry about it.
I'm sure he'll refer to you as Miss X.

Oh.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Hi.
-[Gasps]

- Mercy, Elliot. Hi.
- Wanna go to lunch?

Oh, Elliot, I'djust love to,
but it's only 10:00.

I know. I made
a reservation for 10:30.

- Here.
- Elliot, what's this?

Open it up.

Elliot, that was
an engagement ring.

I know.

Iwantyou
to be Mrs. Elliot Carlin.

Oh.

- Then what did you say?
- Then I told him that a wedding...

was not my idea
of a second date.

He said that he had
to know right away...

because if my answer was no,
he would have to cancel the church...

and then he would have to
call the building contractor...

to let him know whether or not
to go ahead with our house...

before the interest rates
went up again.

See, otherwise, he would
have to sell the lot...

and he hated to do that, he said,
because it was so close to the school...

and when our kids were older-

when they were older,
they could walk to school...

rather than me having to take them
in my station wagon...

because by this time, of course,
I would probably be very busy...

with myjunior League activities
and, of course, my bridge club.

Then, when the kids
are in college...

we'll be moving to a smaller house
closer to campus...

which also happens to be directly across
the street from the cemetery...

where he has already purchased
our plots...

side by side!

Unless you and Elliot are busy...

Emily and I are planning
on having some people over for eggnog...

uh, Christmas Eve, 1993.

That's not funny, Bob.

-I know.
- I really need your help here.

Carol, I thinkyou've got
to be honest with yourself.

Honest? Bob,
I don't mind dating him.

I just don't wanna lie
next to him through eternity.

Well, then, my advice
is to, uh, tell him...

it's a big decision, and you-
you need time to think about it.

Thank you, Bob.
I know exactly what I'm gonna do.

All kidding aside, Carol, what's it gonna be?
Yes or no?

Bob, I'm gonna donate
these narrow ties to the Goodwill.

- I hope you don't mind.
- I hope they don't mind.

You know, Emily, this whole cleaning
compulsion started with an ashtray.

Then you went to a desk drawer,
then our storage area, and now the closets.

- The whole thing has mushroomed.
- Oh, that reminds me.

I wanted to clean out
the refrigerator.

[Phone Rings]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mr. Carlin.

L-ls everything all right?

Y-You sound kind of
down in the dumps.

You are down in the dumps.

What are you doing
down in the dumps?

Just browsing.

They're gonna be
the Nokamura Dumps.

Look, Mr. Carlin, I'm sure you didn't call
me up at this hourjust to talk trash.

Wh-What about Carol?

She dumped you.

Uh, well, sure,
I'll be glad to see you.

I'm in bed right now.
I was thinking about tomorrow.

Well, of course
she'll be there.

No, I can't meet you in the park.
You'll have to come to the office.

Look, Carol takes her lunch hour
from 12:00 until 1:00...

so why don't you come in
a little after 12:00?

No, I really don't mind
skipping lunch.

That's very thoughtful.
Roast beef is fine.

With a little mayonnaise,
if you have it, yeah.

- Good morning, Carol.
- Oh, good morning. Can I helpyou?

Yeah, I'm, uh- I'm Dr. Hartley,
and this is my office...

and these are my messages,
but you're not my secretary.

Oh, I'm your Freedman
fill-in girl, Debbie.

Debbie?

Or Deb, if you like.
Whatever you like.

Well, I-l like Carol.
Uh, wh-where is she?

You mean Miss Kester, the girl
who normally works here?

- Right.
- She's not here.

Actually, they don't tell us
about the girls we replace.

Sometimes it's best not to know.

- Thank you, Debbie.
- Oh, you're welcome, Dr. Ryan.

Uh, Debbie, would you get me
Miss Kester at 348-6485?

Yes?

No, you see, when I
press the button...

you can stay at your phone
and answer me over the intercom.

Oh, of course!
What the heck's the matter with me?

I'll do that right away.

- No. I- I'll call her myself.
- [ Door Closes ]

- Hi, Bob.
- HLJerry. How's everything?

- Oh, pretty good, you know,
- Excuse mew . Nam.

There's a Dr. Robinson
here to see you.

Fine. Thank you, Debbie.

You can come right in,
Dr. Robinson.

I like her, Bob.

I like being called
Dr. Robinson.

I'm sort of getting used
to being called Dr. Ryan.

She's really a nice lady.
She told me that back in the '3 Os...

she was the personal secretary
to the vice president of the United States.

- Oh, really? Who?
- She didn't remember his name.

What about the other secretary,
the one with the red hair that calls me Bob?

I talked to Carol on the phone.
She's not coming in.

- Is she sick? - No. Seems like she
had a fight with this guy Carlin.

She knew he'd be here this morning,
so she didn't want to face him.

I gotta go. Debbie has some hot cocoa
waiting for me in my office.

Hello, Carol?
ls everything all right?

Tha- That's what
Jerry said, yeah.

Look, Carol, you can't go
into hiding forever, you know.

I mean, I-l understand
what you're going through...

and I want you to take as much time
as you need to get yourself together.

So just-just take
as much time as you need.

Dr. Ryan, I have Miss Kester
on the line.

No, you don't, because I
have her on the line.

Well, then, who do I have?

- I haven't the slightest idea.
- I'll find out for you.

Uh, yeah, Carol, do you suppose you could
get yourself together by tomorrow?

It would really
help me out a lot.

Dr. Ryan, where do you
want these specimens?

Uh, Dr. Tupperman
is the urologist.

Oh? Good.

Now, where would you
like these?

Across the hall,
in his office.

Oh. Thank you.

Carol, do you thinkyou could get
yourself together in about an hour?

Right. Good-bye.

I don't know, Dr. Hartley. lfl live
to be a thousand, I'll never get over this one.

Uh, all in all, I think it was
a good experience, Mr. Carlin.

I mean, you reached out, you touched
somebody, and they touched you back.

She tell you about that?

No, I meant-
I meant emotionally.

Well,you know what I think?
Slaw?

No, thank you.
Maybe later.

I don't think I'm ever
gonna be able to face her again.

I mean, I plighted her my troth.

I rented a tux and everything.

Well, you-you can always
return a tux, Mr. Carlin.

Yeah, but you can't
return a troth.

Yeah, well, maybe we can go
over that in the next session...

and gradually, maybe we can
get you back to almost normal.

I got a lot of personal things
to take care of.

I gotta hock her ring,
cancel the church...

and stop construction on a home
in Rancho Nokamura.

She's out there.
Carol's out there.

I think she saw me.
I'm not leaving this office.

Mr. Carlin, I have
another patient in 1 O minutes.

I don't care.
I'm staying right here.

I'll sit on the couch.
I won't listen.

Nobody ever notices me anyhow.

Hi, Bob.
Hi, Elliot.

Hi.

- Can I sit down?
- Yeah.

Elliot, I'm sorry
I had to say what I said...

- but it was the only way I knew how to say it.
- Mmm.

It just wasn't
working out, Elliot.

I got the feeling
that you wanted to own me...

and I just don't wanna
be owned.

I'm not a piece of land,
you know?

Elliot, I just want you to know
that I like you a lot...

and you have got
some wonderful qualities...

and I hope that we can go back to being
the way we were before- friends.

Okay?

You want some slaw?

Yeah. Slaw.

Aw. Thank you.

I know- I know what you're
going through, Mr. Carlin.

- Dr. Ryan, Miss Kestefs back.
- Yes, I know, Debbie.

Oh. Shall I go home now
or- or what?

Will I get paid
for the whole day?

I'm sure you'll get paid
for the whole clay.

And, please, go home now.

Oh. Well, thank you, Dr. Ryan.

And you too.

You seem like
a very nice man.

Well, good-bye.

Bye.

What about her, Dr. Hartley?
Think she'd go out with me?

Hey, Bob, you know what those guys at
the repair shop wanted to fix this tooth?

Seventy-five bucks!
You know what I told them?

Forget it.
I'll do it myself.

You know what I did? I recorded
my own voice, very slowly, very distinctly.

Then I opened up Happy,
took out the old tape, put in my tape...

restrung the string,
buttoned it all back up.

Took me all day.
I can't wait to see the expression...

on the guys' faces at the repair shop
when they hear this.

[ Mews]