Original subtitles

- [ Rings] - Hello?

- 12O over 80. - Okay, Bob. That oughta do it.

Good. How's everything look?

Everything seems fine: solids, liquids, triglycerides, cholesterol, blood sugar, E.K.G.

Actually, it is one of the most boring physicals I have ever given.

Now, you might be a couple of pounds overweight...

but at least... we know where it is.

- [Giggles] - Are you, uh- Are you saying I'm fat?

Fat? No. Let'sjust say you're a little short for your weight.

I mean, I thinkyou're in pretty good shape for a 49-year-old man.

I'm, uh- I'm 41.

Bob, your chart says... 49.

Well, I'm- I'm definitely 41, at least I will be this Thursday.

Then why does your chart say 49?

Oh, that's- That's a one. My, uh- My ones look like nines.

Listen, Bob. Now thatl know you're eight years younger...

you're also about eight pounds too heavy.

Now I don't want to frighten you, but it's just possible...

that every pound overweight could mean a year off your life.

Well, it- it doesn't frighten me because, uh...

I hadn't made any special plans for those last eight years anyway.

Oh, good. Miss Burke, get Dr. Hartley a copy of that-

- High-protein diet? - High-protein diet.

Here you go, Dr. Hartley.

Bob, you are gonna like this diet.

It's sensible, easy to follow, and you don't have to turn anything purple.

Good. As long as it's easy to follow.

Now look. Get yourself a good medical scale.

Weigh yourself twice a day and keep a chart of it.

Carry this counter wherever you go.

Keep track of your daily intake of cholesterol and fats.

Always askyourself, are there any hidden carbohydrates in the food you eat.

Watch fried foods. Now, whenever you do anything strenuous, check your pulse.

Do deep breathing exercises.

Stay away from starches and sugars, and that's it.

Now, if you will also supplement with twice the adult minimum daily vitamin requirements...

and do six and a half minutes of isometrics every day, it's easy, Bob.

Wouldn't it be easier if I just stopped eating?

Yeah, that might work too.

Hi, honey.

- Hi, dear. How'd it go with Dr. Klein? - Oh, fine. Fine.

Good, Any change since your last physical?

No. Everything's- Everything's fine.

Oh, great. You want a drink before dinner, honey?

[Clicks Tongue] No.

Well, there's some fruit, if you wanna munch.

No, uh- No munching.

Bob, is- ls there something you're not telling me?

Well, I just have to go on a little diet.

I have to start counting the calories and... try to get rid of that.

Oh, that? Honey, that's just a little happy fat.

I think it's cute. [Chuckles]

Emily, fat isn't cute unless you're nine months old and you're playing with a Busy Box.

Well, it shouldn't be hard to lose three or four pounds.

- Uh, eight pounds. - Eight?

Well, I know you can do it, and I'll help you every step of the way, Bob.

I'll help you every inch of the way.

Emily, uh, why are you making such a big thing about eight pounds?

Well, eight pounds are not easy to lose.

Well, they are for me, once I set my mind to it.

- Uh, w-whats that? - Oh, Dr. Klein gave me this, uh, calorie counter.

You know, it's amazing how much food you can eat if you eat the right food.

I mean, like, I could eat a- a whole cow, as long as I didn't butter it.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - [Emily] Come in.

Emily? Emily, wait till you see the present I picked out for-

Uh, Howard? Uh, Bob- Bob, Howard's here.

Hi, Bob. I, uh- I didn't realize you were here.

Yeah, I-l kind of live here, Howard.

Of course you do, and- and you should.

Uh- Well, I can come back later. I just, uh, stopped by to say hello.

- Yes. Howard just... stopped by to say hello. - That's right.

Hello, Howard.

Hello.

Howard, is there something you wanna discuss in private with Emily?

No, no, no, Bob. Uh, no. Nothing at all.

Uh, well, so you got a birthday coming up, huh?

Wow. Forty-one. That's a biggie. That's a really big biggie.

I hope, uh, nobody in this room is, uh, planning anything for my birthday.

Like what, Bob?

Oh, like peoplejumping out of closets, peoplejumping up from behind furniture...

and, uh, expecting me to be surprised when I'm not surprised.

Oh, don't be silly, Bob.

Now we agreed it's just gonna be a nice, quiet dinner with a few close friends.

Yeah, the... quieter, the better when you're past 40.

Why celebrate? I mean, it's- it's all downhill from here.

You're heading into the twilight time.

You think I oughta cash in my chips, Howard?

I don't know, but I'd keep them handy, if I were you.

Okay. Here's your dinner, honey.

Lettuce, cottage cheese, tomato, a slice of melon and some cold chicken.

- I hope it's all on your diet. - A diet? What's wrong, Bob?

Oh, nothing. Bobjust went for his physical today...

and he's gotta lose weight, so he's gotta watch his calories for a while.

Oh, that's- That's bad.

No, it isn't, Howard. A lot of people are on diets.

Oh, no, no. This is a bad diet. I mean, look at- Look at this.

Cantaloupe and cottage cheese and tomatoes- I mean, it's full of carbohydrates.

I mean, that's what you should be counting.

- Well, what do you suggest, Howard? - Water. You should drink water.

I mean,just drink all your water you can get inside yourself.

You know,just lots and lots of water.

That way it'll fill up your stomach, and you won't get hungry.

And you won't get thirsty either.

Oh, good. That way I can slosh my way through my twilight years.

[Gurgling]

Bob? I hope I went peacefully.

Sorry, Emily. I didn't know you were awake.

Bob? What are you doing?

Oh, I... couldn't go to sleep, sol thought I'd weigh myself.

- Well, how much did you lose? - I'm afraid I'm like the stock market. I'm up an eighth.

Emily, this diet isn't working.

Well, Bob, you've gotta give it a chance.

You've only been on it five hours.

Emily, I gai-l gained an eighth of a pound in five hours.

Well, that's all the water you've been drinking.

I can't understand it. I never had a problem with weight...

and then all of a sudden, I weigh 1 O pounds more than I did on our wedding night.

You weighed yourself on our wedding night?

I had nothing else to do. You were in the bathroom for 45 minutes.

Well, I-l wanted to look pretty for you, Bob.

I was... trying on nightgowns and primping.

I mean, after all, Bob, it was a special occasion.

You do remember, don't you, sweetheart?

I've got to stop my stomach from growling.

Maybe I'll have some celery. Uh, celery's all right, isn't it?

Oh, it's fine. There's only one problem.

It's in the refrigerator, in the back...

and you're gonna have to work your way through a lot of other stuff to get to it.

Emily, I-l wasn't even thinking about the banana cream pie.

Honey, why don't you just come to bed and don't worry about it?

Yeah, you're right. I'll... worry about it tomorrow.

- Good night. - Good night, honey.

Let's see. An eighth of a pound... in five hours.

T hat' s mate Km“ a ha“ a mum a day.

In a year, I'll weigh... a little over 400 pounds.

Well, this is it, Bob.

You're really gonna love this place, and these noon classes are really the best...

because all the greatest-looking chicks are here.

We got... models, dancers, secretaries.

Jerry, you didn't tell me there'd be girls here.

- Sure. What do you think I'm doin' here? - Well, I don't careJerry...

- as long as I lose eight pounds. - Exercise is the key, Bob.

More important than dieting. I don't diet and look at me.

That's Olga. She's in charge here.

- Guess how old she is. - Uh, 65?

That's right. Most people think she's a lot younger than that.

- Hello, I'm Olga. - Olga', /'d like you to meet mygood flvend Bob Hartley.

How old do you think I am?

Forty, 41.

I am 65.

- That's- That's amazing. - Yes.

Now, what is it that you want to work on?

The legs, the thigh, the hips, the bust?

[Clears Throat] A little-A little below the bust.

Well,just follow along. We start very slowly in the beginners group.

All right. Line up.

Arm's distance.

Good. We'll start with a little, uh, stretching.

Well, so much for the stretching.

Now, we go. And... run!

One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two.

Bicycle. Bicycle. Hartley, you're behind.

One, two. One, two. One, two, one, two.

Kitty cat. One more. Fill it off.

And run. Off your duff, Hartley.

One, two. One, two.

“I greatly appreciated thejar of nuts you sent,“ comma...

“but would you please show up for your next appointment?”

just sign it, uh, “Sincerely yours,” and, uh, you can type it after lunch.

- [ Groans] - What's the matter?

I went tojerry's health club, and I tried to keep up with a 65-year-old woman.

- Did you lose any weight? - I don't know. I'm too sore to get up on the scale.

Ha-ha. Listen, Bob. Do you want another pitcher of water before I go to lunch...

or should I just run a hose in here?

You know, Carol, being on a diet is bad enough without people making fun of it.

I mean, you probably don't know that. You've probably never been on a diet.

In five minutes, I will have been on a diet for seven years.

You looking forward to your birthday party, Bob?

It's not a party, Carol. It's, uh,just a small dinner.

In my case, a very small dinner.

Oh, listen, Bob. I wanna askyou something.

Do you thinkl can have an extra 15 minutes offfor lunch?

I have to buy a birthday/present for someone.

Oh, sure.

Take as much time as you want and buy that somebody something real nice.

I certainlywill.

- Well, see you later. - Right.

- You, uh- You pressed the button? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, see you after lunch. - Right, Bob. Later.

- You're- You're going down, right? - Oh, yeah. Down.

- No place to eat up there. [ Laughs] - [ Laughs]

Why- Why don't I, uh, just press the button again?

- Oh, thanks, Bob. See you soon. - Right. Later.

See you then.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Uh, this elevatofs broken. You'll have to use that one.

Well, that's about it for me, Bob.

I'll be, uh, moving along now.

- Right. - Right.

Hey, uh, Bob? What are you doin' for lunch?

I'm doing it,jerry. Where, uh- Where are you going?

I'd better not tell. I don't thinkyou want to know.

- Go ahead. It won't bother me. - Well, I'm going to a new smorgasbord place: Mr. Bulk.

They got all-you-can-eat for an hour.

- That's it. Lunch. - So what do you got today, Mel?

Liverwurst and Swiss, I think.

Oh, yeah. There's liverwurst and Swiss. Yeah.

All three of'em, liverwurst and Swiss.

You wanna swap? I got a bacon and avocado...

and a tuna fish and tomato on a kaiser roll.

I'll give you the liverwurst and Swiss for the tuna fish and tomato...

and I'll throw in a piece of chocolate cake.

No, you keep the chocolate cake.

Besides, I got a piece of, uh, lemon meringue pie anyway.

Well, I gotta get rid of one of these sandwiches.

Toss it down the shaft.

Oh, we have a... wastepaper basket here. I'll throw it out.

Ah. Thanks a lot, fella. That's nice of you. Thank you.

- Hi, honey. - Hi, sweetheart. Happy birthday.

Well, how was your day?

Fine, fine. No... surprises. I just hope it stays that way.

Well, honey, you're really gonna be surprised, because there's no surprise party.

- Just five friends and a nice, quiet dinner. - Good.

Come on. Take off your coat. Let me see.

Come on.

Tur-Turn around.

You know, Bob, it's- it's the third day of your diet...

and that- that weight is just... falling off.

- I'm, uh, surprised you recognize me. - Yeah. [ Laughs]

- Something smells good. What- What is it? - Oh, it's not for you, honey.

It's for the company. I know you don't like lasagna. That's why I made it.

Well, if I don't like it, why does it smell so good?

- What, uh, what do I get? - Oh, it's over there on that dish.

It looks so lonely and so small. ls- Is this all I get to eat?

Oh, no, honey. You get a big salad with lemonjuice and a big glass of water.

Great. lfl want seconds, I'll just, uh, rattle my cup against the bars of my cell.

Oh, honey. It's not that bad. You can have some of the hors d'oeuvres.

- Oh, good. - No, no. Not those. The ones with the yellow toothpicks in them.

- The yellow toothpicks. - Yeah.

Oh, honey. I know it's rough, but it's worth it, isn't it?

- Emily, come here. - What is it?

Sit down.

[Groans]

Emily, I've been, uh- I've been cheating.

Cheating? Eating cheating?

You know today, when you called the office, and Carol said I couldn't talk?

- Yeah? - Well, I couldn't talk...

because my mouth was full of chocolate-covered peanut brittle.

Oh, Bob!

Emily, let- Let me finish. The peanut brittle was just the dessert.

- The appetizer was a liverwurst and Swiss cheese sandwich. - Oh, Bob. How could you?

Emily, I'm still not finished.

Then I went down to the snack bar...

and I snacked on almost every bar they had.

Do you mean while I was stuffing radishes, you were stuffing your face?

Well, E-Emily. I don't know what came over me.

L-I just- The minute I walked in there, I-I-I wanted to attack anything edible.

L-I felt like... Bela Lugosi in a- in a room full of necks.

Emily, h-hunger is a- is a terrible thing, and I-and-and I gave in to it.

And y- Y-You know what's worse than all of that put together?

- What? - I'm still hungry.

Well, Bob, what do you want me to say?

I mean, eat whatever you want, stuffyourselflike a pig?

Start your diet next week or tomorrow or never?

Well, it- It is my birthday.

Fine. Why don't you eat your gifts?

You're not very proud of me, are you?

You know, Bob, I, uh-

I wasn't gonna give you your present till later...

but I think I'll give it to you now.

I think it'll helpyou control your appetite.

What- What is it, a muzzle?

Oh, honey, that's- That's that very expensive suit that- that I was so crazy about.

Yeah, but you were crazy about it in a larger size.

Bob, the waist is two inches smaller than your waist.

I mean, I thought it would give you something to shoot for.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - I know you can do it, honey.

- Hz; 50b. Happy bxkthday - Oh, uh- Hi, Howard.

Well, I got your present. Uh-Guess what it is.

- Feels like lead. - Yeah, go ahead, uh- Open it up. See for yourself.

- It's a belt. - Yeah, I, uh, got it in Tokyo. It takes the weight right off.

I had a hard time, uh, finding your size there.

Not too many guys as heavy as you are injapan.

- Is this the wayyou wear it? - Yeah, you wear it under your clothes.

Uh, here. Let me show you with your coat here.

Wear it playing tennis or handball or golf.

Just don't go swimming in it.

Doorbell Buzzes 1

I'll get it, honey. Oh.

- Hi. - Hi, dear.

- Hi, Emily. - Hi,jer. Come on in.

Oh, hi, Howard. Bob. Happy birthday.

[Kissing Sound] Here. It's a cake.

Well, I can only eat it if it's made out of water.

Well, it almost is. Uh, let's see.

It's made out of, uh, your lettuce, bean sprouts, your ground carrots.

- Sounds delicious. - Well, we don't know, Bob. Nobody's ever eaten one.

- Let me put it in the kitchen. - Yeah, and I'll make us all a drink.

Oh, thank you, Howard.

Gee, ifl'd have known it was gonna be formal, I'd have worn my cummerbund.

Go ahead. Open her right up.

- What do you guys want to drink? - Scotch for me, Howard.

- Uh, I'll have a glass of wine. - Me too.

- Uh, Bob? - What the heck? It's my birthday. Uh-

Gimme a- a glass of water, and, uh... drop a ice cube in it for flavor. All right?

That's the latest diet book there, Bob. Number five on the best-seller list.

- "Hey Fat"? - Yeah.

See, the author explains that title there in the introduction.

That's what they used to call him when he was a kid. “Hey, Fat!“

He got so mad that he set about as his life's work to make himself skinny, and it worked.

That's a picture of him on the back cover.

- Where? - Right there.

lfhe writes another book, he should title it Hey Corpse.

Okay, gang. Why don't we gather around, and, uh...

drink a toast to the birthday boy here.

- Okay? Here, Emily. This is yours, dear. - Oh, thank you.

Bob. Okay.

- Okay, ready? - Ready.

Here's to Bob Hartley. We wanna see more of him...

- but we hope we see less. - [jer/yj/get it. I get it.

- Cheers, cheers. - Cheers, cheers.

Cheers. Look at that.

Aren't you going to drink your water?

I don't think I can drink any more water, Howard...

especially with this- this belt.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, I have to go to the bathroom, and I...

- can't stand up. - Oh, honey.

Bob's- Bob's gotta go to the... bathroom. Excuse us.

- Honey, you okay? - Oh, oh.

Oh, oh. Shh. Quiet.

- [People] Surprise! - ♪ For he's ajolly good fellow

,' For he's a jolly good fella w,'

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪♪

[Applause Cheering]

- Speech. - Speech, speech, speech.

All right. This, uh- I'll have to admit this really was a surprise, and I-

I wanna tell you how much I appreciate it, but-

- [fmilyjAw - I really have to go to the bathroom.

[Laughing]

- Uh, Emily? - What?

How do I look?

Oh, I love the pants.

But thejacket doesn't match.

No, no. I lost-l lost two inches around my waist.

Oh, Bob. I'm gonna miss that happy fat.

But you are a lot sexier this way.

You know, I lost, uh- I lost 1 O pounds.

Bob, you weigh exactly what you weighed on our wedding night.

- Right. - Ah.

Where- Where are you going?

Oh, I'll be back... in 45 minutes.

[ Mews]