All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s02e09 - Mutiny On the Hartley

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

- Hi, honey.
- [Emily] 0h, I11; dear.

- This is Mr. Nenn, the plumber.
- How areya?

Fine. What's, uh-
What's the problem?

No problem anymore.
I just fixed your garbage disposal.

- What was wrong with it?
- Nothing that $63 won't take care of.

Sixty-three dollars?

Yeah. Well, it took me
almost half an hour.

Plus the drive
to and from the shop...

the rental of my snake.

That's a lot of money.

I know. That's why I left med school
and became a plumber.

Now, remember,
Mrs., uh, Hartley-

- lfit doesn't shred, don't put it down there.
- Uh, Mr. Nenn?

I always thought it was ifit does shred,
don't put it down there.

Yeah? Well, one or the other.

Emily, from now on,
don't put anything down there.

Fine, Bob.
I'll just freeze our garbage.

- Anybody home?
- Come on in, Howard.

Hey, did you guys
get your new lease?

All I got was
a $63 plumbing bill.

Oh, then you're probably not in the mood
to hear about the new, big rent raise.

Well, I'm in the mood now, Howard.

- What does the lease say?
- Let me read it to you here.

It says, “We, the Skyline
Management Corporation...

“hereinafter referred to
as the- as the lessee...

“do here and under
enter into this agreement...

with Howard Mark Borden.“

- That's me.
- I know, Howard.

Uh, “Hereto after referred
to as the lessor"...

- H-Howard?
- “hereto af-“

Howard, could you read the part
about the rent raise?

I can tell you that.
They raised it $50 a month.

- You're kidding.
- Fifty dollars a month?

Yeah, and that's every month,
even the short ones like February.

It's getting so expensive,
only plumbers can afford to live here.

Well, at least you don't have any alimony
payments. You don't, do you, Bob?

- No, Howard.
- Boy, I tell you, I do.

They keep going up and up and up.

My little Howie's
in the fourth grade now...

and he needs bigger clothes
and bigger crayons.

Well, I'll just have to tighten the old belt
there and start on a new economy.

Boy, I tell you, it's really getting rough.
I mean, really rough!

Would you like to stay for dinner?

No, I've gotta go downtown
and pick up my new Mercedes. Bye.

Everybody is getting a raise.
Plumbers, building owners.

Honey, you haven't heard any rumors
down at the Psychologists Union Hall.

No, I haven't, but some psychologists
are charging incredible sums.

Oh, yeah? How incredible?

The psychologist in the penthouse suite
charges a dollar a minute.

I don't know how a guy like that
gets away with it.

Why don't you go upstairs and ask him?

I did, but by the time I got through
introducing myself, it had cost me eight bucks.

[Clacking]

[Giggling]

Jerry, what are you doing?

Oh. I was just, uh-just checking
these out to make sure they work.

Really loosens the kids up.
Come on in. Take a seat.

- Thanks.
- [Clack/mg]

[Chuckling]

Well, what can I do for you, Bob?

Jerry, how- how often
do you raise your rates?

I have a rule of thumb.
When the dollar goes down, I go up.

- You must go up pretty often.
- I have to, Bob.

I got a lot of overhead.
You know, new equipment, supplies.

For instance, take this chairyou're sitting on.
What do you think this chair costs?

-I have no idea.
- This is no ordinary chair.

This is a 'IS-position, hydraulically
operated Delgado dental chair.

Imitation leather-like vinyl, polyurethane foam,
form-fitting bucket seat, the works.

You guess what this costs.

Without radio and heater, $4,000.

Two thousand dollars.
The drill? Fifteen hundred.

Three thousand dollars, $2,700.

- [ Teeth [lacking]
- Fifty-nine cents.

I got a lot of new stuff
coming in here, Bob, all the time.

Now somebodys gotta pay for that.
Sure as heck isn't gonna be me.

Jerry, the reason I asked-
I'm thinking about raising my rates.

What for?
What's your overhead?

Briefcase every 1 O years.
The wear and tear on your couch?

Couple of ripped-up pillows every week?
I mean, what's that?

I have to rationalize some way
of keeping up with the cost of living.

Cost of living?
What does it cost you to live?

You got no kids.
You don't own your home.

You certainly don't spend
a lot on your clothes.

You don't think
I should raise my rates?

Well, I didn't say that.
When was the last time you raised them?

- Never.
- Never?

- You've never raised your rates, Bob?
- That's right.

Well, you're a fool.

You've gotta raise your rates
every once in a while.

Otherwise your patients
won't thinkyou're doing any good.

- Jerry, I just-l feel guilty.
- You shouldn't feel guilty.

You thinkyour patients feel guilty
about not paying their bill on time?

My patients feel guilty about everything.

Well, you know, getting money
from my patients is like pulling teeth.

But seriously, Bob, we're specialists.

We do a good job,
and we deserve to get paid for it.

You're rightjerry.
I'm gonna raise my rates.

I'm not gonna worry about it. I'm gonna start
with my group therapy group right now.

That's the attitude,
and you shouldn't worry about it.

You've got those poor, dependent people
right in the palm of your hand.

The only thing you have to worry about
is your conscience.

- Thanks, j erry.
- Right.

Well,we're all, uh-

We're all here a little early today.

Yeah, Dr. Hartley.
We're all a little early today.

Good.

I'm glad you are.

Dr. Hartley, you're probably wondering
why we all came a little early today.

- Yes, I was.
- Well, Dr. Hartley...

today is our second anniversary
of being together as a group.

Oh! Oh.

Today is our second anniversary
of being together as a group.

L- I heard you, Mr. Gianelli.

Today is our second anniversary...

of being together as a group,
Peterson!

Huh? Ooh! I'm sorry.

That was my cue.

Happy anniversary!

Happy anniversary, Dr. Hartley!

Oh, well, that's-
that's really something.

I don't, uh-
I don't know what to say.

And now we'd like to
give you some gifts.

- That really isn't necessary.
- That's what I said, but I got outvoted.

Dr. Hartley, this first gift represents
not only an inspiring message...

but also my lifestyle.

Th-Thank you very much,
Mr. Peterson.

“When the going gets tough,
the tough get going.“

Th-Thank you very much,
Mr. Peterson.

- You're welcome, Dr. Hartley. I only wish that-
- Next!

Dr. Hartley, my father said
you would really enjoy this.

Here.

- Well, thank you, Michelle.
- Looks like it's gonna be a hammer.

Now, why did you tell him?

You might as well not even open it.

Uh, Michelle, I-l don't know
that it's a hammer.

Oh, it's a hammer.

Everyone needs a hammer.

You know, Dr. Hartley...

before I came to you, I didn't have
the guts to try anything creative...

because I was afraid people
would say my work stunk.

Now I don't care what people say.

What do you say?

It's-lt's very nice.
I love, uh-l love clowns.

Yes, well, uh, I painted it myself.

- It's a self-portrait.
- Oh, come on, Peterson.

Dr. Hartley, this is my gift.

I didn't have a chance to wrap it...

because I only finished
knitting it this second.

Oh, a wallet.

How- How unusual.

And practical.

And yellow.

Yes, isn't it cheery?

And there's a place for your credit cards
and a place for your change.

I didn't have time to knityou
a secret compartment...

but I 070' put in
a picture ofjane Wyman.

Th-Thank you all very much.

Don't you have a gift, Elliot?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I thought about it for a long time,
and I couldn't think of what to get you...

sol figured, uh...

just pick yourself out something.

- A ten-dollar bill?
- Yeah. You got two fives?

Yes, I thinkl do.

That's very thoughtful, Mr. Carlin.

There. Here you are.

I'll just put it here
with the other gifts.

Well, uh, thanks to all of you.

It's been a-
it's been a wonderful two years.

Thank you.

L-I'm very happy about
what's happening here.

Uh, however,
lam a little concerned...

about something I'm, uh-
I'm about to bring up.

Part of me tells me I should,
and, uh, part of me tells me I shouldn't.

Maybe, uh, a later session
might be better.

- What's he talking about?
- Search me.

I know what he's talking about.
He doesn't like my gift.

No, no, Mr. Carlin. It isn't that.

- I like your gift.
- Then what are you talking about?

- Yeah. We wanna know.
- Yeah.

Well, since we've always worked
on being honest here in the group...

and since I was going
to tell you this today...

I will.

I'm, uh- I'm going to
raise my rates...

five dollars a session.

I just can't understand this,
Dr. Hartley.

Apparently, Michelle, you're not
the only one that feels that way.

It isn't so much the money, but it's
the fact we didn't even discuss it first.

I thought everything we did in this room was
based on openness, honesty and mutual agreement.

Well, unfortunately, Michelle,
this decision was based on need.

I don't buy that.

If you ask me, it's just another example
ofsockin' it to the workingman.

They're hittin' us on all the essentials-

food, clothing, shelter
and now shrinks.

I can appreciate that, but you have to understand,
this wasn't a spur-of-the-moment-

All I can say is
I never thought I'd see the clay.

- What do you mean by that?
- I remember the lean years.just the two of us.

I was your first patient.
You didn't have a couch to lie on.

We had to sit together
in the same overstuffed chair.

I can relate to that, Elliot.

I've been coming here ever since
I graduated from high school.

Remember my first visit, Dr. Hartley?

Well, I rememberyou were
wearing a cap and gown.

Yeah, and my father didn't even
come to see me graduate...

just because his unit was called up,
and he had to go to the Bay of Pigs that night.

Mr. Peterson,
we haven't heard from you.

- How do you feel about this?
- I hate you, Dr. Hartley.

I never felt such hostility
towards anyone in my whole life...

as I feel towards you
right this minute.

Well, in a way that's good,
Mr. Peterson.

Um, a year ago, you wouldn't
have been able to say that.

No, I wouldn't.
And I'll never say anything like that again.

You're not mad at me, are you?

No, Mr. Peterson. I'm not mad at you.
I'm not mad at any of you.

I mean, you're expressing yourselves,
and that's what we do here in group...

and I appreciate that.

I'd like to say a word
on behalf of Dr. Hartley, if I may.

I'd, uh-
I'd appreciate that too.

I don't understand what
all the fuss and feathers is about.

Dr. Hartley has a perfect right
to raise his rates.

After all, he has to earn a living too,
He works hard.

He performs a wonderful service,
and he should make more money.

Unfortunately, I will not be able
to afford to come to the group anymore.

- Mrs. Bakerman, please.
- No.

It's been very nice knowing you all.

Maybe we can go
on a picnic sometime.

Good-bye.

Door Closes 1

Emily, I can't get it out of my mind.

I thought Mr. Peterson was actually
gonna hit me in the mouth.

It wouldn't have hurt,
but it would have stung a little.

I mean, why-
why am I always the heavy?

Other people ask for a raise,
and they get it.

You know why? it's 'cause I'm a nice guy.
A nice guy with bad timing.

I should have waited
for another session...

or at least until
the applause died down.

Maybe I should have done
what other psychologists do-

just put it on the bill, you know?

That's so cold and impersonal.
I just- I couldn't do it that way.

I mean, five dollars a week,.

What's five dollars a week?

I'll tell you
what five dollars a week is.

It's $20 a month for someone
like Mrs. Bakerman.

I mean, she's a checker
in a- in a supermarket.

They don't make that kind of money.

Although I understand they're
gonna get a big raise.

Everybody's getting a big raise but me.

I could, uh- I could make
an exception in her case.

No, that wouldn't be fair
to the rest of the group.

I could make an exception
of the whole group.

But then I wouldn't get
my five-dollar raise.

Then I- Then I'd look like
I couldn't make up my mind.

Emily, I know exactly what
I'm gonna do tomorrow.

[Muffled Talking, indistinct]

[Gargling]

[Muffled Talking]

Out of a molehill.

You know,
I feel much better now, Emily.

You know, I feel so good,
I'm not even gonna do my exercises.

You know, Emily?
You're always right there when I need you.

- Oh, listen, Bob. You got a phone call-
- Carol, I'm late for group.

Sorry I'm a little late.

Carol?

- My- My group's not here.
- I know, Bob.

Well, they're probably a little late.

No, they're not, Bob.

Maybe they're in a carpool,
and the car got stuck in traffic.

No, they didn't, Bob.

Well, then where's my group?

They're not coming.

Well, now, I tried to tell you before
that Mr. Peterson called...

and he has a message he wanted me
to give to you from the whole group.

What's, uh-
What's the message?

[Clears Throat]
“Tell Dr. Rip-off...

we've decided to go it alone.“

Yes, Burl was a taxidermist
for most of his adult life.

Didn't you love the raccoon
in the bedroom?

Yeah.

He had a wonderful talent,
don't you think?

These are the little woodland creatures
that he knew and loved.

- Burl was your husband?
- Yes.

Unfortunately,
as you know, he passed on.

Oh. Yes. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.

I think we miss him most
around Thanksgiving.

Nobody could stuff a turkey
like Burl.

[Doorbell Rings

- Hi, Mrs. Bakerman.
- Hello, boys. Please come in.

- Hi, everybody.
- [ Both] Hi.

Please, let's sit down.

Would you care for some tea
or something to drink?

- I'd love a drink. What do you got?
- Apricot punch.

Pass.

Well, here we all are together!

Wouldn't Dr. Hartley
be proud of us?

- I don't think so.
- Forget Dr. Hartley.

We don't need him.
Let's just get started, okay?

Fine!
The group is now in session.

Well, uh, why don't we pick up
where we left off last week?

Waita minute.
Who died and made you king?

- What do you mean? - I don't recall a
vote about who's gonna take charge here.

'Cause ifthere'd been a vote,
you wouldn't have won, Peterson.

If you don't like it, you can leave.
Everything was fine until you came in late.

What's the matter, Peterson?
You afraid of a vote?

I'm not afraid. I call for a vote.

Okay, how many people want Peterson?

I just want to make sure
it was democratic.

Stupid waste of time.

I'm beginning to feel an incredible
tightness in my stomach.

That ain't where we left off last week.

Yes, it is. That's where we
always leave off.

No, we didn't.
Last week we left off with me.

I believe Mr. Gianelli is right.
He was telling us about his puberty.

- Yeah, my puberty.
- Okay, go ahead, but then it's my turn.

Okay.

See, I was real fat
when I was 14 and 15...

and, uh, everybody picked on me.

They called me]-

Well, uh, never mind
what they called me.

No. Go on with that, Mr. Gianelli.
What did they call you?

- Aw, forget it.
- Come on. Tell us. You'll feel much better.

- That's right.
- Okay.

They called mejelly Belly.

- Jelly Belly?
- Yeah.

[Chuckling]
jelly Belly Gianelli?

You little runt!
I don't have to take that!

How would you like to be stuffed
like the rest of these squirrels?

Now, boys, we mustn't fight.

We must let Mr. Gianelli finish.

Yeah, I am finished.
I ain't saying another word.

- Then, Michelle, it is your turn.
- Thank you.

I have an incredible tightness
in my stomach...

and I'm wondering what it is,
Mr. Peterson.

I know I've worked out a lot of my
ambivalent feelings towards my father...

but I'm wondering if I wasn't transferring
some of my overt hostility...

into a latent sibling rivalry.

- What do you think, Mr. Peterson?
- Huh?

Uh-Well, uh-

Well, what's important
is what you think, Michelle.

- I mean, what do you think?
- I don't know what I think.

If I knew what I thought,
I wouldn't askyou what you think.

I know what I think.
I think we need a new leader.

- You couldn't do any better.
- Uh, excuse me.

Elliot hasn't said anything.
Let's listen to what he has to say.

You have a restroom?

Yes, it's right over there.

Watch out for the cats!

I'm not going.

- I'm allergic to cats.
- I'm allergic to you.

[Michelle]
My stomach is one big knot.

Bakerman]
Maybe if you tried some punch, dear.

Gianelli}
I'll tell you who needs a punch.

[Peterson]
Oh, yeah? Come on and try it,jelly Belly!

Listen, Squirrel Face!
You wanna take those glasses ofi?

- Olzyeah?
- Hello? Dr. Hartley?

Elliot Carlin.

The reason I'm phoning is, uh,
do you make house calls?

Gianelli}
So anyway, we were talking it over...

while we were waiting
for you to get here.

Well, this is how it is, Dr. Hartley.

We all agree that you're worth
twice what you're asking...

and we'll chip in
to pay for Mrs. Bakerman.

Well, that's certainly, uh,
one suggestion.

Another suggestion might be
to charge Mrs. Bakerman the old rate.

Great. We can all save
a buck and a quarter.

That's very nice,
but only on one condition.

That I am allowed to bring
the refreshments to every meeting.

Well-

We'll certainly
look forward to that.

As long as you're here, Dr. Hartley,
would it be okay if we had a short session?

Fine.

Well, why don't we pick it up
where we left off last week?

You hear that, Peterson?
That's the way to lead a group.

I was talking about this incredible
tightness in my stomach.

Isn't this nice?

It starts the first thing
in the morning...

even on the sunniest of days-

Bob! Are you through
with your session already?

No, we'rejust taking
a refreshment break.

Mrs. Bakerman's serving
some sugar cookies and some apricot punch.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna treat for dessert.

- Dessert? - Would you run down to
the snack bar and get it for us?

Well, sure, Bob.
What do you want?

Six bicarbonate of soda.

Right.

Oh, Bob? Snappy wallet.

[ Mews]