Original subtitles

Hello?

[whirring]

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

Ah. It's open, dear.

It's not dear, Emily. It's me, Howard.

- Oh, well, Howard, you're dear too. Come on in. - 0h, thank you

- Where's Bob? - He just went down to the basement to take the trash.

You, uh, two have had a fight, haven't you?

No, Howard. Why?

Well, when I was married and my wife and I had a fight, I'd take the trash down too.

And I'd just sit there in that dark, musty cellar...

with all those cans and garbage.

Boy, it really cleared my head up.

Well, we didn't have a fight, Howard. Would you do me a favor?

Would you hand me that blue schoolbook over there?

- This one? - Uh-huh.

[Chuckles] Wow.

"The Sociological Implications and Ramifications of Intelligence Quotients. ”

Wow. When we were in third grade, we read Let'; Visit the Dairy

No, this is my book, Howard. I just passed my exams.

Now I'm a qualified psychometrist.

Oh, great, a psychometrist here in the building.

That's great to know in case I need one.

Why would I ever need one?

Howard, a psychometrist gives I.Q. tests.

Oh, I don't, uh- I don't ever remember taking an I.Q. test.

You must have taken one in the army.

No, there's only one test I remember taking in the army.

It wasn't for I.Q.

Well, Howard, why don't I give one to you?

It'll be good practice for me, and you'll know your I.Q.

- Do I have to? - Oh, you'll do fine.

I'm gonna give it just the way I would in the classroom...

so you pay strict attention to the instructions, okay?

- I will, Mrs. Hartley. - All right. “Start with Section A.

“Once you complete Section A, do not go ahead until you are instructed to do so.

“Once you are in Section B, do not go back, or you will be penalized.

“Do not in any way solicit help from your neighbor.

Any aberration from the instructions will cause nullification of your test."

You ready, Howard?

I hope the questions are easier than the instructions.

Oh, honey, what's that on your slacks?

Uh, cranberry sauce, turkey gravy and a little red wine, I think.

The bottom fell out of the bag.

- What are you doing, Howard? - Emily's giving me an I.Q. test.

- You wanna take it with me? - Oh, Bob doesn't believe in these tests.

Emily, it's not that I don't believe in them. it's just they don't prove anything.

I mean, they aren't even accurate.

Did you know Albert Einstein flunked math?

Really?I got a B-minus.

Bob, won't you please take it? It'll really be good practice for me.

Emily, I'm just gonna sit here and read the paper...

and marinate.

Well, Howard, I guess you might as well begin.

Now you do the best you can, and if you have any questions...

you just raise your hand.

What is it, Howard?

Could you ask Bob to stop rattling that paper, please?

Sorry, Howard.

Maybe I'll read the pillow.

Let me see. Where was I? “Two trains approaching each other...

“from a distance of612 kilometers...

“87 miles an hour...

“one has 72 cars and a caboose...

“weighs 72 tons.

The other has six-minute stops for express.“

What's the matter, Howard? You have to leave the room?

No, the country.

I forgot I'm flying to Paris.

Well, Howard, why did you start the test if you knew you couldn't finish it?

- I didn't think it would take that long. - It'll only take a couple hours.

In a couple of hours, my plane will be over the ocean.

It's not like running for a bus, you know. I'll see you guys.

Oh, now I have a half-started practice test that won't do me any good.

Mm-hmm. Emily, how about we go to that movie at the Lakeside?

No, I don't wanna go to that movie.

How about the concert in the park that we-

- No, no, I don't wanna go there either. - How about-

No, no, Bob. I don't wanna do that either.

- You want me to take the test, don't you? - That's right, Bob.

- Hi, honey. I'm home. - 0h, I11; dear.

- How was your day? - Okay. How was your day?

Oh, it was really exciting. I took your slacks to the cleaners.

They can get the turkey gravy out and the cranberry sauce, but not the wine.

Sol told them to dye your slacks sparkling burgundy.

Good. That'll go with my meat-colored shirt.

Yeah.

How was the, uh- How was the rest of your day?

Oh, it was great. I gave my first I.Q. test today.

- Oh, how'd they come out? - I don't know. I haven't graded them yet.

How did the one come out you gave last night, you know, to me?

Oh, fine.

How, uh- How fine?

Why are you so interested? I thought you didn't believe in I.Q. tests.

Well, Emily, if I can give up three hours of my life to take an I.Q. test...

you can give up three seconds of your life to answer it for me.

- What was the score? - I don't think people should know their I.Q.'s.

Well, you know your I.Q.

Well, that's different. I have to know mine.

Well, I have to know mine. What was it?

- 129. - 129. That's good, isn't it?

Oh, that's very good, Bob. That's almost gifted.

Almost gifted?

What's yours?

Oh, it's not important.

Well, I know it's not important, but what is it?

Well, I'm embarrassed.

Well, honey, don't be embarrassed.

I had four more years of college than you had. I'm a Ph.D.

Bob, it's 151.

- That's good too. - Uh-huh.

Yes. All right. Thank you very much.

SorryJer. Beverly's not home.

[Sighs] Did you try Ursula?

Yeah, and she's real glad to hear from you again after all this time...

- but she can't go tonight. - How come?

The Mother Superior won't let her leave the convent after 7:00.

Okay. Let's try Paula here.

Carol} Uh-huh.

Hey, Bob, would you be interested in going to a play with me tonight?

Oh, I'm sorry, we can't,jerry. We have plans.

Oh, boy, great. That makes 14 strikeouts in one morning.

- Fifteen. - What's the playJerry?

Oh, it's a new rock musical. It's called Teflon.

It's a nostalgic look back at the '70s.

Gee, I'm real sorry I'm gonna miss thatjerry.

Okay, Carol, let's try Rochelle.

Jerry, did you ever take an I.Q. test?

- I don't really believe in 'em. - Me neither.

- I don't think they're accurate. - Exactly.

I mean, I know I'm smarter than 136.

Jerry, yourLQ. is 136?

That's right. What's yours?

Well, it's in that neighborhood.

It does have three numbers in it, doesn't it?

Of course it doesJerry. It's 129.

Oh. Well, look, Bob...

don't be embarrassed just because I'm a little smarter than you are.

I mean, 129 is way above the average.

Not in my house, it isn't.

- Morning, Emily. - Hi, dear.

Your coffees poured, your toast is in the toaster...

and your grapefruit is cut in sections.

That's such a terrible waste of ability.

You should be spending your time finding a cure for old age or something.

You know, Bob, ever since you took that I.Q. test...

you've been sitting around acting petulant.

- What do you mean by that? - Petulant.

It means suddenly irritated by the trivial.

Emily, I know what petulant means.

You don't have to talk down to mejust because I'm not as intelligent as you are.

Bob, you are intelligent.

Well, maybe I am, Emily...

but ever since I found out what our I.Q.'s are...

well, I think it's affecting our marriage.

- What do you mean by that? - Marriage is a wedding between-

Oh, Bob, I know what marriage means.

What's it got to do with us? We've got a perfect marriage.

Emily, a perfect marriage is where the husband and wife have the same I.Q.

Oh, Bob, it is not important.

Next to perfect is where the husband's is higher than the wife's.

Bob, forget it.

Third is where the wife is one point higher than the husband.

- Please, Bob. - And the fourth...

which is us, which is the worst...

is where the wife is I 5i and the husband is 129...

which is a difference of, uh-

Twenty-two.

[Mumbling]

- Oh, you're busy, huh? - Oh, no. Come on in, Bob.

I was just cleaning Carol's tooth.

- Her tooth? - Yeah, every Friday...

Jerry cleans one tooth during my coffee break.

That's right, Bob. If you look very closely...

you'll see no two of her teeth look exactly alike.

- What can I do for you? - It can wait.

- I'll come back when you've finished. - It's all right, Bob.

We're all through here.

Oh, you got a lot ofstylejer.

Thank you so much for the cleaning and the whiplash.

Okay, Bob, sit down.

No, I think I'll standJerry.

Oh, come on, Bob. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Atta boy.

Okay, Bob, now what's the problem? Go on, spit it out.

Jerry, I won't be able to go with you to the basketball game tonight.

You don't have to explain anything to me, Bob. I'll just find somebody else to go.

See, Emily's been invited tojoin the High I.Q. Club, and they're having a dance.

What's the High I.Q. Club?

Well, it's really quite an honor, and we're-

you know, we'rejust thrilled that Emily's been invited tojoin.

It's a club for people whose I.Q. is over 140.

And, oh, did I mention that we're really thrilled that Emily was invited tojoin it?

Yeah, yeah, you said that, Bob. I wasn't convinced.

Yeah, well, anyway, she's gonna become a member...

and she and I are going to the dance.

How are you going to get in, Bob? Are you using a fake IQ I.D.?

I'm going as her dateJerry.

- What's the matter with that? - I don't know.

L'vejust been looking at Emily through different eyes.

You know, dumb eyes.

What's she doing, Bob, flaunting her brains?

No, it's just that I've started noticing things I never noticed before.

Like she does crossword puzzles in ink.

She understands how the “drowse“ button on the digital clock works.

And she knows the latest price on Nixon's home.

Bob, I don't understand you.

You think because you're a man, you gotta be smarter than a woman?

That's not very modern, Bob.

I mean, that's really behind the times.

They've come a long way, baby.

Bob, you just go to that dance tonight.

Have a real good time. Let Emily lead.

Try and look nice on her arm, you know? Smile pretty.

Then afterwards, when she takes you home, ifshe tries to fool around with you...

you just tell her you got a headache.

Well, this is the first time I felt lever should have studied for a dance.

Bob,just relax and enjoy yourself.

We're gonna have a wonderful time tonight.

- You sure? - Oh, Bob...

I'm nervous enough about tonight without you being nervous about tonight.

Are you sure the suit's all right? I mean, it did say “black tie optional.“

Oh, honey, you know how things are today. Anything goes.

,','[Dance]

Emily, you don't happen to have a tuxedo in your purse, do you?

- Bob, nobody will notice. - Hello.

- Are you new members? -Yes. Well, I mean, I am.

I'm Emily Hartley. And this is my guest, my husband, Bob.

Well, hello. And welcome to the High I.Q. Club Dinner Dance.

Now, uh, oh, yes. Here are your name tags.

Dinner will be a little late. You can start by dancing and have fun.

- It sounded like an order. - Yeah.

“Hi. I'm Emily Hartley. 151.“

“Hi. I'm Emily Hartley's husband.“

Well, the evening's off to a great start.

[Speaking Gibberish]

I'm sorry. We don't speak Swedish.

Oh, neither do I. That was English.

I said, “Hello. I'm David Robbins. Glad to meet you,“ backwards.

You see, it's this gift or “tfig” I have.

I see all words “sdrawkcab,“ backwards.

Oh, I see. So, so “olleh“ is hello.

Is that right? I mean, “thgir?

“Thgir? You catch on very “tsaf.“

Oh, fast. Oh, Bob, this is fun. Try it.

Maybe later.

I am so sorry, David. Here we are talking, and I haven't even introduced myself.

My name is Emily Hartley.

Emily Hartley. “Ylime Yeltrah.“ Very nice. And you're-

Uh, Bob.

Well, that's about all we can do with that one, isn't it?

- Excuse me. - I'm sorry.

It isn'tyourfault your name is Bob.

Somehow I felt it was.

Listen. Why don't I get us a drink?

Emily, let me. I know I can do that.

Oh, of course you can, dear.

- Two scotch and sodas. - Uh, pardon me.

I have an absolutely fantastic memory for faces...

and I've never seen your face before, right?

- Right. - I'm Dr. Ralph Hodiak.

- Oh, how do you do? I'm- - Leo, right?

No, Bob. It's the same spelled backwards.

No, no, I mean, your birth sign.

You're a- You're a Leo, aren't you?

- No, no, I'm not. - Now, don't tell me.

I'll tell you. That's my business.

Oh, Hodiak. You write that astrology column in the paper.

HodiakZodiac.

Yeah, I really enjoy your column, except for certain days, you know.

Well, we all have to take the bad with the good.

Even you Libras. You're a Libra, aren't you?

No.

Scorpio.

I've got it.

The round face, the hands, the small feet.

You're an Aquarius.

No.

Aries?

You're a- Not a- Not a Virgo.

Yes, I am.

Well, of course you're a Virgo. I knew it.

That's amazing.

Like I said before, that's my business.

- Here's your drink, Emily. - Oh, thank you, dear.

Emily, what did you say your husband's name was?

Just call me Mr. Emily Hartley.

Well, I want you to know, Mr. Hartley...

that you are always welcome at our club.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I think that does it.

You ready to leave, Emily?

Bob, we haven't even had our dinner yet.

Well, Emily, that's fine. It'll save you the embarrassment of cutting my meat for me.

Hi. I heard there was another 151 here tonight.

I'm a 151 too. Would you like to dance?

- Oh, well, I don't- - Emily, why don't you?

You two have so much in common.

- How you doing? - Okay.

Okay is better than me. I hate being here.

- You do? - Yeah, I do.

It's boring, insipid... and weird.

Gee, I'm glad to hear that.

They'd have to pay me to get me to come to one of these things again.

Mm. That's the only way they get me to come here.

You want a crab puff before I go back to the kitchen?

Man Over Speaker] Uh, attention please. It's time for club pictures.

All High IQ members to this end of the hall.

Uh, the guy in the suigjust stay right there by the punch bowl.

Probably the second worst evening of my life.

The first worst evening was in a foxhole at Panmunjom when my bazooka jammed.

Well, they weren't exactly my favorite people either.

But you didn't help matters. You were putting everything down from the minute we got there.

And the way you walked out right in the middle of that comedian's routine.

Emily, I don't know what it is. I just don't like Polish jokes.

Especiallyin Polish.

Everything was pretentious.

A bunch of pretentious people, bending over backwards...

trying to seem like regular guys.

You must admit, “Beer Barrel Polka“ on the harp is a little too much.

You know, Bob, you are really exaggerating.

- It was not that bad. - Well, I am not exaggerating the way I felt.

I felt like Florence Nightingale's husband.

Florence Nightingale didn't have a husband.

Emily, I'm getting very tired of you.

Well, I am really sorry you didn't like being my husband tonight.

But I'm always your wife, and tonight was your turn.

You know, Bob, I felt really proud being accepted as an individual for a change...

instead of just as your wife.

I didn't know you minded being my wife.

Well, I don't mind being your wife.

But, you know, I always go to your functions.

And to tell you the truth, Bob, I don't always enjoy myself.

You didn't have fun at the last social psychology symposium?

You mean, the one where Dr. Ernst Lerner spoke for four hours about modular man?

- That's the one. - About as much fun as you had tonight.

You were that miserable?

I didn't mind though, Bob, because I knew you were enjoying yourself.

To tell you the truth, Bob, I didn't understand one word that man said.

You, uh- You didn't?

No. But I didn't get upset because I felt dumber than you.

I mean, Bob, I don't know why you're so sensitive.

Emily, sit down.

It came to me at the dance tonight.

This woman was talking to me, and I couldn't understand a word she was saying...

and I had a lot of time to think.

When I was in grammar school, I went out for the baseball team...

and I was a pretty good hitter and a good fielder.

I mean, I was the best ground ball fielder ofany kid my age.

But I just- I couldn't catch pop flies.

And once, Kenny Solheim hit a pop fly, and I was in the outfield.

And I was pounding my glove, you know,just waiting for it.

And then it- it landed 2O feet behind me.

And three runs scored, and everybody started yelling...

“Get Hartley outta there! Get Hartley outta there“- Even my dad.

I mean, I was so humiliated, I gave up baseball.

I concentrated on my studies, and I became a good student.

I mean, I was the brightest kid in my class.

I'm almost gifted,you know.

I know, Bob.

And then when I found out what your I.Q. was...

it was like a pop fly hit me right on the head.

Bob, you know what's wrong with I.Q. tests?

They don't measure sensitivity.

And they don't measure how nice you are.

And they don't measure how much I love you.

And that's why I don't believe in those dumb, stupid tests either.

Emily, I don't know how to say it backwards, but, uh-

I love you.

“L evol uoy.“ [Chuckles]

[Knocking]

Who's that?

- Who is it? - It'; me, Howard.

Oh. Well, uh, I'll get ready for bed.

And I'll- I'll get rid of Howard.

Yeah.

Uh, Bob, can you help me change my tire?

Howard, I don't think I'm exactly dressed for it.

You look fine, Bob. just straighten your tie a little.

Howard, why don't you leave it in the garage, and we'll do it in the morning.

Well, it's not exactly in the garage.

Where is it exactly, Howard?

Exactly? About eight blocks from here.

Well, we'll do it in the morning, Howard.

Bob, if I leave my car in that neighborhood overnight...

I mean, there won't even be an oil stain to mark where the car was.

Okay.

Emily, go to bed. Don't ask me why, but I'm gonna help Howard change a tire.

Oh, I'll wait up for you, honey.

Good.

I hope you know where there's an all-night station...

because, well, I don't have any air in my spare tire.

Emily, I'm gonna be a little later than I thought.

- /'// wait up. - Good.

Bob, we'd better get a wire coat hanger.

I locked the keys in my car.

- Emily? - Yeah.

Go to sleep.

[ Mews]