All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s02e07 - Old Man Rivers

Hello?

- Excuse me, professional man coming out.
- Oh, it's just you.

- Huh?
- Bob isn't in there anywhere, is he?

Not unless somebody's
standing on him.

Well, where is he?
It's 9:30 already. He's late.

- What time's his first appointment?
- 10:00.

Carol, check me ifl'm wrong,
but doesn't 9:30 precede 10:00?

I know,jerry. But I have to talk to him
about something before he gets busy.

Uh-huh. Maybe I can help out.
I'm a good listener.

- Oh, no,jer. No.
- No, come on, really.

Well, all right. I guess it couldn't hurt.
Listen, see, the thing is, a long time ago-

- ls the coffee ready?
- No.

- I'll make some.
- Uh-huh. Good.

So, what did you want to
talk to me about?

- Never mind.
- Oh, come on, Carol.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- Carol, no calls, no interruptions.

Right, Bob.

- Carol, I thought I said-
- I know. No calls, no interruptions.

I guess I forgot to mention
no tailgating.

Oh, Bob, I'm sorry,
but it's important.

Carol, I have 2O minutes to
review the case history of a man...

who's been in analysis for 18 years.

Now, this guy-

this guy is a pro.

I mean, I-l can't amuse him
with some inkblots.

- Now, is what you have to say more
important than that? - No. No, Bob, no.

- I just have to go into the hospital, that's all.
- Fine-

The hospital?

Oh, Bob, it's nothing serious.

Oh, no, it's just a little minor surgery,
as it were.

And I'm going in on Saturday morning,
so I'll just miss a couple days work.

Well, uh, Carol, I don't care about
your missing a couple days work...

but is everything all right?

Oh, sure, Bob, sure.

I just need to talk
to somebody, that's all.

- Well, sit down. We'll talk.
- Oh. What about your other patient?

I'll stall him with some inkblots.
Well, talk.

Uh, well, okay, Bob.
Now, uh, see I did this foolish thing...

and now I've got to, uh,
take care of it.

-[Sighs] I see.
- You do?

Look, Carol, the important thing is
this won't make any difference...

to-to myself
or all of your friends.

I mean, we're gonna stick by you.

You're certainly not the first girl who
has ever found herself in this predicament.

- You won't be-
- Oh! Oh, Bob, no. It's not a baby.

Oh. I-l knew that.

Wh-What is it?

Oh. This foolish thing
happened a long time ago...

way back in high school.

See, I belonged to this social club...

called the Midnight Marauders.

I was their treasurer, which meant
they kept their hubcaps in our garage.

Well, one night, the whole club
did this really crazy thing.

Uh, we ran out
of things to maraud...

and so we all went down
to the tattoo parlor.

And you-
you got yourself tattooed?

Yeah.

And now you want to
get yourself untattooed.

I think that's the medical term for it.

Carol, I've- I've never
noticed you had a tattoo.

Ah, there's a reason for that.

Oh, you mean it isn't
where I could see it?

Oh, Bob, it's not even
where I can see it.

Does it, uh, say anything?

Wh-You mean like “This end up“?

Bob, I mean,
what do you take me for?

I'll have you know this
was a tattoo of a butterfly.

A monarch butterfly.

They're- They're really beautiful.

Oh, it really was beautiful
when I was fat.

Now it looks kinda
like a flying prune.

Bob, please. And please, please,
you've got to treat this as a sacred trust now.

Because if this gets out, it'll just be
one fannyjoke right after the other.

Well, Carol, you know I would never
let you become the butt ofanyjoke.

- [ Knocking]
- Oh, excuse me.

This letter got mixed up in my mail.
I, uh, thought it might important, Bob.

Oh, thank you, j erry.

Yeah. I could see how a letter...

addressed to Mr. Professional Man from
a crutch company could be deemed urgent.

Jerry, what did you really come in for?

I want to find out
what Carol's problem was.

There's no problem. Shejust has to go into
the hospital for some very minor surgery.

Why couldn't she tell me that?

Jerry, it's personal surgery.

Personal, huh?I got it.
You're gonna have your butterfly removed.

- Honey, we're home.
- Oh, hi, dear. Hi, Carol.

Hi, Emily. Gosh, I suddenly feel like
I'm really causing you guys a lot of trouble.

Oh, don't be silly.
I've already made up your bed in the den...

and tomorrow morning, Bob and I'll
just whiskyou off to the hospital.

Oh, boy, you guys are real friends.

- Oh, you'd do the same for us, wouldn't you?
- No.

- You wouldn't?
- No.

Oh, listen, I'd put you
up for the night...

but I just wouldn't take you
anywhere near a hospital.

I'm terrified of hospitals.

Oh, Carol, hospitals are nothing, really.

I mean,just pretend the tattoo fairy
is gonna wave her magic wand...

and make your butterfly disappear.

When I had my appendix taken out,
it was a breeze.

I mean, people waited on me
hand and foot.

I had wonderful meals, back rubs,
massages. It was fabulous.

- Really?
- Well, then comes the operation.

No, I'm kidding.
it's really- it's easy.

- [Knocking]
- I'll get it.

- Oh, hi, Howard.
- Hi, Emily. I'm back.

- Hi, Bob. Oh, hi, Carol. How are you?
- [ Caro/j Hz; Howard

Here's your mail
and a package.

Oh, my Captain Asteroid rocket
finally came.

Oh. Wow, it took a lot box tops,
but I finally got it.

You the first one on your plane
to get yours, Howard?

No, this is for little Howie.
Hey, thanks for your help, Bob.

Well, I'm glad we finally made it.
I don't think I could have eaten another box...

of those honey-coated
sugar craters.

- Howard, have you had dinner?
- Yeah. I had dinner over Duluth.

You want to stay
and watch me eat my last supper?

- Your last supper?
- I'm having some surgery in the morning.

Surgery? Ugh.

Don't tell me what it is.
I don't want to know.

The whole idea of going under the knife
makes my flesh crawl.

You had to say it, Howard.
Under the knife.

Howard, I thinkyou scared Carol.

Oh, well, let's not talk about hospitals.
Let's talk about something else.

- Oh, good.
- What hospital are you going to?

- St. Matthews.
- Oh, really?

Now don't you tell me anything bad
about St. Matthews.

No, no. That's a wonderful hospital.
They have a priest on every floor.

Howard, why don't you test fly
your Captain Asteroid rocket, huh?

Good idea. And, uh, please, no more talk
about hospitals till after dinner.

You're not supposed to have dinner before
surgery. I mean, everybody knows that.

And even my dog didn't eat
before she got spayed.

I don't even care anymore
about eating, Howard.

What did your dog do
about drinking?

-I think she drank.
- Bob, I would like a drink.

- Way ahead of you. Scotch all right?
- Whatever Howard's dog drank.

Oh, thanks, Bob.

All that talk about hospitals
really got to me.

Well, here's to, uh, the operation.

Tomorrow, uh,
all your troubles will be behind you.

Carol, bottoms up.

Oh, I get it. You're having
your butterfly removed.

Excuse me, Sister.
May we see Miss Kester now?

Oh, of course.
Do come in.

Oh, what lovely flowers.

I'm so glad you didn't bring candy.
That's one thing I don't need.

Oh, Carol,
you look absolutely radiant.

[ Bob]
You lookjust great, Carol.

Thank you, thank you.
But it must be this gown.

I had it especially made for me by the,
uh, Acme Linen Supply Company.

Well, was the operation successful?
How'd it go?

Flew away, Bob.

It's now in tattoo heaven
with all those moms and anchors.

- Ah. Poor butterfly. Ah.
- Yeah.

- Ah, there you are.
- fer; howareyou?

Oh, you know, got a headache.
I'm all sweaty from parking the car.

Sinuses are all clogged up
from the filthy air out there.

- I'm fine, thanks.
- How are you?

- Look, I brought you a cactus.
- OhJerry, how nice.

I wonder why people
don't bring candy anymore.

- So, how are they treating you, Carol?
- Oh, they're treating me okay.

He is treating me like I was
some kind of goddess or something.

He? Carol, what have you got going?

Carol, you, uh, haven't fallen in love
with one of the priests, have you?

Oh, Bob, no.
My doctor.

He's just wonderful.

Oh, and I'm sure he feels
the same way about you, right?

I think he likes me.
He removed a mole for no extra charge.

And then during the operation,
his hands-

Why, I just never felt
hands like that.

What skill.

And he's been in twice to see me
since the operation.

Oh, he's so beautiful.
He's a truly beautiful human being.

Oh, Carol, I think I'm gonna cry.
Well,what's his name?

Oh, are you ready?
Dr. Scott Rivers.

Scott Rivers? Sounds like a great place
to catch trout.

OhJerW-

- Oh, hi, Carol.
- Hi.

- Oh, you look great. How're you feeling?
- Fine.just fine.

You are fine.

All right, we'll be back in a little while.
Don't you go anywhere now.

- Oh, don't worry. I won't.
- Aren't you gonna introduce us?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Scott!

- Yes, Ca rol 7
- Everybody this is Dr. Scott Rivers.

How do you do, sir?
Ma'am.

- Hello, there.
- Hi.

Isn't he wonderful?

Okay, it's all set.

They're gonna phone us from the lobby
as soon as Carol's on her way up...

so we'll be ready
when she gets off the elevator.

Jerry, don't you think Carol's been
through enough the last few days?

Do you think she wants a lot of commotion
her first day back?

Oh, this is good for her, Bob.
She'll love it.

All right. I have to read this article.
Why don't you call me when she gets here?

Fine, Bob.
I'll- I'll do that.

Is there, uh,
something elseJerry?

There was something
I wanted to talk to you about...

- but it's really none of my business.
- Fine.

Okay, I'll tell you, Bob.

Now this, uh, Dr. Scott Rivers,
I'm sure is a very respected surgeon.

I'm sure he's a fine gentleman. I'm also
sure there's a lot of fine gentlemen...

sitting around park benches
feeding pigeons...

but that's no reason
why Carol has to date 'em.

Bob, she's robbing the wheelchair.

I mean, she's making a big mistake.
I really like Carol.

I don't want to see her hurt
herself like this.

I mean, I can't understand
why she's fallen for that old coot.

Jerry, you're right.
It's none of your business.

Maybe so, Bob,
but I just can't help it.

Last night, I went to the hospital,
and she was in there with Scott.

I guess they thought the door
was locked or something...

but what I saw them doing,
togethenjust made me sick.

I had to leave.

What, uh, wh-what
were they doing?

They were in there holding hands...

watching a gall bladder operation
on the hospital television.

And they were counting the stones.

How many were there?

Bob, I mean,
aren't you worried?

Jerry, I'm a little worried, but it's, uh,
it's none of my business either.

They just called from the lobby.
She's on her way up.

Yep, you're right, Bob.
It's none of your business.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Okay. We'll have lunch.
- Welcome back, Carol!

- What's this?
- A funny chair.

Oh, funny.

- See this doughnut, Carol?
- Yeah.

I was gonna get you
a huge cup of coffee to go with it...

with a sign that said,
“Go dunkyourself,“

but I didn't want you
to get hurt laughing.

Oh, Bernie, that's so thoughtful,
I'm almost hysterical already.

Oh, roses. Oh!
You guys shouldn't have.

Uh, we didn't.

- Uh, I did.
- Oh, Bob.

That's so you.

Thank you.

I think I've had enough partying. I have
to get back to my article on manic depression.

Bye.

Nothing like a little two-minute party
to pick up the spirits.

Oh, there's gonna be plenty
of partying later on.

Tupperman and I are
taking you out to lunch.

Yeah, we got the hot dog stand
all picked out.

Oh, gee, fellas, I'm sorry,
but Scott's taking me to lunch.

- Scott?
- Yeah, her doctor. Old Man Rivers.

Well, bring him along.

- Jerry, listen, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure, sure.

Jerry, the next time you call him Old Man Rivers,
I'm going to ripyour smock.

- Now, uh, Carol, could I talk to you for a minute?
-Go ahead.

- Would you sit down, please?
- I can't.

Oh, yeah. Right.

- I'll lean.
- Good.

Now, Carol, uh, I know this is none of
my business, but since you brought it up...

you can't be serious
about this old guy, can you?

Jer, I don't think of him as old.
I think of him as mature.

- Mature? [ Giggling]
-Yes.

If he was any more mature,
he'd be, uh... cheese.

OhJerFyJEFW-

- I really appreciate your concern, I do.
- Oh, that's all right.

- And I know you're only saying what
you think is best for me. - Well-

- But, uh, let me askyou a question, okay?
- Sure.

Uh, let's just say that, uh...

if you were in your 60s
and you met a 29-year-old girl...

and you really liked her,
and she really liked you...

you'd take her out,
wouldn't you,jer?

Well,well- uh- uh-

but-
[Chuckles]

Uh, I really don't have time for
any more of your problems now, Carol.

[Emily] Well, the second feature
wasn't much better.

The ad in the paper made
it sound so good, you know?

It was on the radio too. “lfyou liked
The Godfather and The Va/achi Papers...

you'll love BigAl ”

I liked The Godfather and
The Va/achi Papers, and I hated BigAl.

Oh, Bob, you have to admit
the machine gunnings were done very well.

I don't know. Uh, Ryan O'Neal
is not my idea ofAl Capone.

I don't think Al would have been
happy with that choice either.

- How about some brandy?
- Okay, but a short one, then we've got to run.

You know, I-l think those movies about Chicago
in the '20s are exaggerated, don't you?

- No, I don't.
- You don't.

- No. I was here, you know.
- Oh, that's right.

- [Knocking]
- Who is it?

- Howard
-just a minute. Hi, dear.

Hi, Emily. Here's your vacuum cleaner.
It's, uh, it's all fixed.

Howard, there wasn't
anything wrong with it.

Well, uh, once I got
the curtains out of it.

- Your curtains?
- Yeah. Sucked them right off the wall.

Boy, these uprights
are really powerful.

Howard, why don't you come in
and have some brandy?

Oh, brandy. I love brandy.
Oh, hi, Carol. How are you feeling?

Fine, Howard. Listen, I'd like you to meet
somebody who's really kind of special.

- Ah, don't tell me. It's your dad.
- No! No, Howard, no!

- It's not my dad.
- Oh. It's your uncle?

No. No, Howard, no.
It's my date.

As a matter of fact,
it's my boyfriend.

Uh, Dr. Scott Rivers,
Howard Borden.

How are you, Howard?

It's your boyfriend.
Yeah, well, sure, why not?

Howard, uh, why don't you gulp that down?
I'll make you another one.

Thank you. Listen, Howard,
I don't blame you for being surprised.

I mean, let's face it-
I am old enough to be Carol's father.

Well, what's age anyway? I mean, look at
Walter Brennan. Look how chipper he is.

You know, a lot of those
May-December romances work out very well.

Look atjustice Douglas,
Bing and Kathy...

Bob and me.

Oh, Emily.

You're right, Emily.
There are a lot of marriages like that.

I used to be married to a woman
who was 15 years older than I was.

- Of course, she's gone now.
- Gee, I'm, uh, really sorry to hear that.

Yeah. She ran off
with a premed student.

Well, I really am sorry
to hear that.

Oh, but don't be.
No, it was a long time ago.

Ifit didn't happen, well,
I wouldn't have met Carol...

- and I just wouldn't be sitting here right now.
- Scott.

As a matter of fact,
I shouldn't be sitting here right now.

I have surgery in the morning.

Well, it's been a really nice evening.

Yeah, we must do it again soon.

Okay, but next time
I'm gonna have you over to my place.

Oh, you should see his apartment.
It's full of antiques.

You know it's funny.

They weren't antiques
when I bought them.

- [Emily] Goodnight.
- Good night now.

Well, I'll just finish up my brandy.

You know, Bob, uh, I get the feeling you
don't think what Carol is doing is okay.

Well, I just-
I don't want to see Carol get hurt.

Well, Carol's not afraid
of getting hurt.

I mean, if she's willing
to take a chance, why aren't we?

Emily's right, Bob.
I mean, love has no barriers.

I mean, I think it's beautiful.

I mean, here's a vital, young girl
who's willing to share her youth...

out of the goodness of her heart
with a man who's in his sunset years.

I mean, you have to admire the warmth
and the unselfishness...

and the dedication that
goes into something like that.

On the other hand,
maybe she's after his money.

- [ Intercom Buzzing]
- Yes, Carol.

Mr. McGuinness has canceled his 10:00.

Again?

He's been my patient for six months.
I haven't even met him yet.

Now I got a whole hour to kill.
Thank you, Carol.

- Let me kill itwith ya.

I really need your help, Bob.

- Sit down, let's talk.
- 0h, thank you

- What's, uh, what's on your mind?
- Scott.

- What's the problem?
- Scott.

Carol, can you give me
a little more then that to go on?

Okay, Bob.

Now, I really like him,
and he really likes me...

but I get the feeling
we're alone out there.

Well, I like you, and I like Scott.

A lot of people like us...

but nobody seems to
like us, uh, together.

I'm beginning to wonder
if maybe they're right.

Carol, why don't you go with that?

Well, now you know, Bob,
that I can take a lot of kidding.

I mean, I thought
it was funny at first.

But now it's starting
to really bug me.

This morning some wise guy
sent me this brochure in the mail.

You know what-
You know what it said?

When your days dwindle down
to a precious few...

spend them with us
in Shuffleboard City.

That's kind of funny.

No, Bob, that's cruel.

Yeah, but in a funny sort ofway.

But, Bob, nobody can
accept us as a couple.

One day, we were walking
along the lake holding hands...

and-and some guy
ran up and said...

“lfyou're tired, lady,
I'll walk him for a while.“

Bob, now we don't have to take that.

This is a vital, alive, robust man.

- And hejogs five miles a day.
- A man his age?

Ah, you're doing it too.

Carol, I just meant that, uh,
I don'tjog five miles in- in a whole year.

Well, anyway, our friends don't approve.
Jerry doesn't approve.

I'm not even sure you approve.
Do you approve, Bob?

Uh, well, it-it's- it's not...

you know, it's not important
whether I approve or disapprove...

or, uh, orjerry
or anybody else.

I mean, the main thing is for you to get in
touch with your true feelings about Scott.

I mean, are you happier now then- then you
were when you were dating men your own age?

Oh, yes. Bob, do you know what it's like
dating men your own age?

No.

They're not even called dates anymore.
They're called weekends.

Then, when it's over, they- they throw women's
lib in your face and make you pay half.

- That's not nice.
- No.

Scott is different.

He's a gentle, nice,
thoughtful man.

He's a human being, Bob.

He's kind and considerate...

and he has a wonderful
sense of humor and-

Oh, what do I care
what people think?

Well, Bob, you've done it again.
Oh, thank you.

Thank you. You havejust helped me make
the most important decision of my life.

- Great.
- I've got to go to lunch.

Carol, it's only 10:15 in the morning.

Oh, Bob, I need the time.
Now I have to pick out a dress...

and it's got to be perfect because tonight-
tonight is a very special occasion.

Well, what's so special about tonight?

Scott is taking me home
to meet his parents.

You know, Bob hates liver,
bacon and water chestnuts...

but when I call it rumaki,
he thinks it's delicious.

Oh. Mmm! It is delicious.

- Emily, did you make this?
- No, Howard, it came that way.

Hmm. It's an interesting tasting dip.

It's, uh, it's mustard, Howard.

Well, it's good mustard.

You know, you never did tell us:
How did your evening with Scott's parents go?

Oh, it was fantastic, wasn't it, Scott?

- Oh, it was fun. - Oh, they're great
people. And they just love athletics.

- Did you go watch a ball game?
- No, we all went figure skating.

Figure skating?

Yeah. Scott's dad made a figure one.

[ Mews]