All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s02e06 - Have You Met Miss Dietz

Hello?

I just think it's great that we're gonna
be living so close to each other.

Yeah, it gives me
a terrific feeling of security...

knowing that only three floors away
I have a good friend and a good shrink.

Um, Marilyn, I don't-

Oh, Bob, I'm sorry.
I forgot you hate to be called a shrink.

Yeah. I guess I should have thought
of that before I went into shrinking.

You know, Emily, I-l had no idea
a divorce could be so wonderful.

Well, I guess that's why
it's getting so popular.

- I understand now it's- What? One
out of three couples. - Is it?

Yeah. lfeveryone was married to Tom,
it'd be three out of three.

Anyway, I think it's great
that we can be friends now...

'cause I know how much
you both hated Tom.

- Marilyn, we didn't hate Tom.
- Well, Bob did.

L- I never hated Tom.

Oh, sure you did.
You thought he was a creep.

And you were right.
He was a creep.

Huh! Do you remember that party
we had up here, Emily...

and he tried to grab you
in the kitchen?

What, uh-
What party was that, Emily?

Any- Any party.

How come you never
told me about that?

Bob, it didn't have to be Emily.
He would've grabbed anybody in the kitchen.

- Well, I'm glad I was in the living room.
-[Chuckles]

Well, I- I'd rather not talk
about Tom, if you don't mind.

- No more Tom.
- Yeah.

You know what Tom
wanted me to do?

Nothing. I was just supposed to
kind ofsit around the house and dust...

and wait for him to come home
and tell me about his exciting day...

in the upholstery
and slipcover business.

He didn't want me to work,
He never would've let me go back to college.

I think it's so exciting that you're back in school.
I bet college has really changed.

Oh, it has. A lot of new things happening-
ecology, group marriage...

revolution, orgies,
gun control, abortion.

Doesn't leave much time
for pep rallies, does it?

Emily, they've got some terrific courses at night.
Have you ever thought about taking any?

Well, Bob kind of likes me
around the house at night.

- Oh,yeah, I-l understand.
- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Besides, if I were in class now,
who would be here to answer the door?

- Hi, Howard.
- Hi, Emily. Do you happen to have any-

- Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company.
- No, no. Come on in.

- Oh, hi, Bob. How are ya?
- Uh, I'd like you to meet an old friend of ours.

Marilyn Dietz, this is Howard Borden.
He lives across the hail.

- Hi, Howard.
- How areyou?

- Marilyn's moving in the building.
- That's great. What apartment?

- Downstairs, 325.
- Oh, that's right. I saw your name on the mailbox.

That was old man Cooper's apartment.
He lived there for years and years.

How come he moved out?
I thought he'd never move out.

Well, he didn't exactly leave,
Bob. I mean-

I mean, he moved, but, uh-
but he didn't leave.

I mean, he wasn't moving
when he left.

[Clears Throat]

Sorry. I didn't know that.

Oh, Marilyn, I'm so sorry.
When I told you about the vacancy...

- I had no idea of the reason.
- Oh, heck, it doesn't bother me.

I mean, I lived with
a ghost for 11 years.

- Are you a widow?
- No.

- No. Marilyn's divorced.
- Oh, divorced.

Yeah. When-
When did it happen?

Oh, about two months ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Howard, It wasn't a car accident.
It was a divorce.

Bob, it's nothin' to kid about.
I know. I've been there myself.

- Oh, you mean, you're-you're divorced.
- Yeah, me too.

- Yeah, divorced. Three years and one month.
- Oh.

And two weeks. How you feeling?
A little shaky, huh?

[Chuckles]
I feel terrific!

Well, the shock hasn't set in. I mean, you're up
for a while, and then you're down again.

But it's okay. After a while you're up again,
but not all the way.

Howard, Marilyn feels great.
You don't have to be so sad.

Please, Emily! You remember how I was
when I got my divorce?

I rememberyou threw
a big party, Howard.

- Yeah, but I was trying to forget.
- [Giggles]

- You're funny, Howard.
- Thank you. So are you.

- Are you busy right now?
- No, I'm not busy.

I've still got some things down in the car,
and I was getting up the nerve to ask Bob.

You want me to ask Bob for you?

- No, I wanted to know if you'd help me.
- You want me to help you.

- Yeah. - I'd be glad to. Don't
bother, Bob. You want to do it now?

- Great. Thanks anyway, Bob. - I forgot what I
come over for. Do you happen to have any cocoa?

Uh, no, no, Howard, we don't.

Oh, rats. I had the feeling for some cocoa.
Yeah, that's how it is when you're alone.

You know, you have to give yourself
little treats every now and then.

Well, I've got some cocoa,
and I'll drop in a marshmallow.

- Oh, is that in your apartment?
- Sure.

Well, I hate to go into an apartment
where somebodyjust died.

- Your apartment then, Howard.
- Oh, my apartment. Oh, my-

- Oh, that's great. It's not that instant cocoa, is it?
- No, no. It takes a while.

Oh, great.

L-I think I'm gonna
like living here.

Boy, have you ever seen
two people get together so fast?

Not without your help, Emily.

Oh, Bob, you were here. You saw everything.
I had nothing to do with it.

[All Laughing]

Well, there it is, Marilyn-

Grand Central Nothing.

Why don't you give me
a little tour?

- You want a little tour?
- Yeah.

Okay, now, here's my
little typewriter...

and my little phone.

- Oh, there's my little stapler.
- Ohh!

Oh! My little boss.

[Laughing]

I, uh- I have the feeling
you girls had a little wine for lunch.

-just a little. - Yeah. You want us
to blow up a balloon for you, Bob?

- [Women Laughing]
- I'm just wondering what the occasion was.

Well, I'm-l personally was
celebrating Marilyn's divorce.

Well, personally, I don't care,
but the phones have been ringing a lot...

and I would like you to type up
this very important letter.

Oh- Oh, Bob.
I'm- I'm sorry, Bob.

I'm sorry. I'm sor-
I know I'm a half hour late...

and I'll- I'll never do it again.

I promise, I promise, I promise.

[Typewriter Clacking]

Carol, it might help if you'd put
some paper in the typewriter.

- Oh, paper! Gotcha.
- Well, I have one more call to make.

- I'll be out in a few minutes.
- Oh, don't be long, honey. Sofa City closes at 2:30.

Wait a minute, Carol.
Aren't the doctors ever late?

I mean, don't they ever askyou to stay
after work and do extra stuff for them?

- Sure, all the time.
- Well, then why do you have to apologize?

I mean, it should be give and take.
They're a person, but you're a person too, right?

Oh, no. No. No, you see,
I'm a person, but they're a boss.

Emily, don't you agree with me?
Why should she apologize?

Oh, yeah, I agree with you.
But it doesn't mean much.

I agree with anything
after one glass of wine.

Well, welcome back.

How was the luau? I mean, ifthisjob
is interfering with your lunches...

maybe we could take out your desk
and put in a table for four.

Oh, really?

Well, let me askyou something,
Dr. Robinson.

Uh, how many times
have I stayed late for you...

or come in early for you,
orjuggled lunches for you...

or missed my own lunch while I was
out doing personal errands for you?

And did I ever complain? Never!
And I'll tell you something else I have never done...

and that is to embarrass you
in front of other people.

Guess she told me, huh?

Oh, I'm sorry, j er.

I never would have done it,
but I'm swacked.

It's all right, Carol.
I understand completely.

When you sober up,
pick up my laundry, huh?

OhJerry,
Jerry, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine.

Marilyn Dietz, this isjerry Robinson
the orthodontist.

- HLJerry Robinson the orthodontist.
- That's me.

- I stuff their mouths with steel.
- Boy, did I hate you as a kid.

- All those rubber bands and wires.
- Ah, yes.

But it paid off, didn't it?
Let me have a look up there.

That's pretty good. I would have done a little
more with the incisors, but other than that...

-your mouth looks as good as the rest of you.
- Oh!

Oh, Bob, listen. I've got two tickets
to the Bulls-Celtics game tonight.

- Do you want to go?
- I'd love to go.

- Bob, we're going to your mother's
house for dinner. - But I can't.

Oh, boy. Now what am I gonna
do with that extra ticket?

- Jerry, why don't you take-
- Emily!

- That's not a bad idea. Marilyn-
- I'd love to go.

- Oh!
- I love basketball.

- Terrific. I'll pickyou up at 6:30.
- No, I'll be in class.

- Why don't I meet you here?
- Okay.

It's silly to go in two cars. I'll meet you here.
Then we can put yours in the garage.

- Terrific. - As long as you got the
tickets, I'll take you to dinner.

-I insist.
- Fine, but you gotta promise me one thing:

Get me home by midnight,
otherwise my dad'll give me the dickens.

Emily, first you fix Marilyn up with Howard,
then you fix 'er up withjerry.

- Is there no stopping you?
- I'm just trying to get her over the rough spots.

What rough spots?
She's having the greatest time of her life.

Then I guess I must be doing something right.
[Laughs ] Are you ready to go, Bob?

Yeah, as soon as Carol finishes the letter.
Carol, how are you coming with the letter?

Huh?

Oh! Oh, uh, yeah.

Well, I just whipped
right along with “Dear Mr.“

Then I think I sort of dozed off.

_?

Do you think Marilyn's
having a good time?

It depends on how good
the basketball game is.

No, I don't mean tonight.
I mean,you know, generally.

- Oh.
'l mean, ShG seems SO-

SO free, SO- SO open...

so independent.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Bob?

Are there some times
you'd rather be single?

[indifferently]
Hmm.

I mean, if you were single tonight,
what would you be doing?

I'd probably be at the basketball game withjerry,
unless you were around.

- Then you would have fixed me up with Marilyn.
- Oh!

Why? Are there times
you wish you were single?

Well, I don't know.

I look at her, you know,
and then I look at us.

Yeah.

I wouldn't trade places with her
for anything in the world.

- You'rejealous of her, aren't you?
- Oh, absolutely not.

Well, maybe I amjust a little.

Emily, it's perfectly normal
to bejealous.

I mean, you're a married woman
tied down with a lot of responsibilities...

and, uh, you're married
to a man who's, uh-

Listless?

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

- Ohh.
- Yeah, you want to get that? I feel a little... listless.

Ohh. Oh, hello, Howard.

Oh, hi, Emily. Hi, Bob.

Uh, do you know where Marilyn is?

I was supposed to see her tonight,
and she isn't home.

Well, you didn't have a date with her tonight,
did you, Howard?

Well, I told herl was
coming in on a flight, and...

the last thing I said was,
“See ya.“

Uh, well, actually, she's at a basketball game
withjerry Robinson.

Jerry Robinson?
Yourjerry Robinson?

- He's the one.
- I didn't know she knewjerry Robinson.

Well, um, I guess it's my fault.
I-l kind of suggested that he take her.

- Why would you do a thing like that?
- Well-

Howard, why are you getting upset?
They're going to a basketball game.

- What can happen at a basketball game?
- Are you kiddin'?

I just had a cup of cocoa with her.

Look, Howard, if you like her,
you want her to have a good time, right?

- Yeah, I guess you're right.
- [ Phone Rings]

- Is it all right if I hope it's a lousy game?
- Oh, Howard.

Hello? Oh, hi- Hi, Marilyn.

Marilyn? Mar-Marilyn?
Is that Marilyn?

How was the game?

Bulls won by two points, huh?

Three overtimes?

The fans tore down the backboards.

They tore down the backboard.
Must be a lousy game.

Marilyn, can you speak up?
I can't hearyou with the violins going there.

Uh, Howard? Yeah, he's right here.
just a minute. It's, uh- It's for you.

She probably wants to apologize
for breaking our date.

Hi, Marilyn.

Yeah, you want me
to do you a favor?

You want me to pickyou up, right?

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Yeah.
Uh, some chicken parts...

liver bits...

a little milk and some kibble.

Right. I got it.

- Well, is everything all right, Howard?
- Everything's fine.

I'm so glad you're not upset.

Why should I be upset? She's out withjerry,
and she's having a wonderful time.

They didn't have dinner
before the basketball game...

so it's perfectly normal
that they have dinner after the game.

And I don't dance,
and she loves to dance, so there you are.

Well, I guess Vlljust
go and feed her cat.

Ohh!

Dr. Hartley, I can't tell you
how terrific I feel.

I never realized it, but it's been my job
that's been making me tense.

Well, I can understand how all those years
on the police bomb squad could do that to you.

You know, it's not too late for me
to find anotherjob. I'm only 31 years old.

- You're 31 years old?
- Well, almost. I'll be 31 on my next birthday.

Hey, Bob? Uh, could I
talk toyou for a minute?

- Sure,jerry.
- Uh- Uh, not here, huh?

Ah, boy talk, huh?
Guess you'll be using a lot of cuss words.

Could we go in your office, Bob?

- Okay.
- Listen, I can take it. I got a nine-year-old nephew.

- What's on your mind?
- It's Marilyn, Bob.

- What about Marilyn? - That's what I
want to talk to you about. I don't know.

I need your advice. You know people, Bob.
That's your business.

I know... gums- gums and teeth.

- Uh-huh. - Well, you know we had
a date the other night, right?

Marilyn and I went
to the basketball game.

I had a better time with her
than any woman I've ever taken out.

As a matter of fact, I like going with her
better than I like going with you, Bob.

You know at the halftime you always
hang around the hot dog stand?

You always miss the first couple plays
of the third quarter?

Not Marilyn.
She's right up at the top of the line.

She gets her beer,
frankfurter, bag of peanuts.

We got back in the seats
before the organ music stopped.

- Uh-huh.
- Then after the game, we went back to my place.

We sat around, talked, played some music-
Got to know each other, you know?

The amazing thing is, Bob,
there was nothing physical.

Kind of like being married, I guess.

Well, how do you feel about it,jer?

Terrified.
Bob, I think I'm falling in love.

Jerry, you only
went out with her once.

That's nothin', Bob. Once I fell in love
with a blind date before I even met her.

I just can't take a love affair right now, Bob.
It would interfere with my work.

- Then stop seeing her.
- Oh! No, that would drive me crazy.

- That would interfere with my work.
- See her every once in a while.

No. Then I'd be wondering what
she was doing when I wasn't with her.

That really would
interfere with my work.

- See her all the time.
- That's the one I was waiting for!

I don't know where we're headed, Marilyn-
basketball, hockey, painting.

- We're headed toward furniture moving,
the day after tomorrow. - Good.

- I'll take the clay off and help you.
- Great.

Oh, hi, Bob.

Emily left this note on the door
that says there's a- a party down here?

There is, Bob.
It's a painting party.

It's the only way I can get people
to help me paint my apartment.

- If you're gonna work, you'd better change
into old clothes. - I'm not gonna work.

- The note said Emily's down here and the
food's down here. - Oh, hi, sweetheart.

Oh, hi.
Now, where's the food?

- It's under the drop cloth, Bob. It's Chinese.
- Great. I had Chinese for lunch.

Oh, good, then you
should be hungry again.

I'm starved and I'm tired,
and I had a miserable day.

Boy, you're sure a lot of fun
at a paint party.

Smells like...
semigloss almond duck.

Try the egg rolls, honey.
They're delicious.

Oh, no, they, uh-
they have hot mustard on them.

- There's no hot mustard.
- It's paint.

Take a look at this color, Bob.
What do you think?

- I thinkyou're getting it all over my shoe.
- Oh, oh!

- What happened?
- Oh, I just got a spot of paint on Bob's tie.

- And a lot on my shoe.
- Never mind. It'll come right out with this thinner.

- OhJerry, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
- Huh?

No, it's working, Emily.
ltjust took the paint off the egg roll.

There you go, Bob. It's all off your tie.
Spot came right off.

Jerry, there used to
be an initial there.

Oh. Look, here it is.

- [Knocking]
- Come on in. It's open.

Well, here I am,
all ready to paint.

Boy, you got a-you got a lot
of people here already, huh?

Bob's not helping.
He'sjust having dinner.

There are never too many people
at a paint party. Here, Howard.

Here's a roller and a pan
with some paint in it.

I smell gardenia.

Is that you, Howard?

Yeah. Well, that's probably
my new cologne, Manflower.

Old clothes and Manflower, huh?
You sure you came here to paint?

- Yeah, probably just as much as you did.
- Do you want something to eat?

No, I came here to paint.

Uh, Howard, why don't you work over here?
There's a nice empty spot.

- Thanks a lot, Emily.
- Be careful. You're spilling paint on the floor!

- Oh! I'm sorry. Oh. Excuse me, Bob. Oh.
- Watch it, Howamfl will ya?

L- I hope that'll come off.

- Not any more than I do, Howard.
- Waita minute.

Marilyn, is this the color- is this the color
of your apartment you're gonna paint it?

- Yeah.
- I thought you said we were gonna paint it beige.

- I mean, we talked about that. - Yeah, I
know we did, Howard, but we changed our mind.

- We who?
- Well, you see, Marilyn and I talked about it.

We decided that burnt gold
was a much better color.

It's what I have in my apartment.
It's today, it's contemporary. Beige is- What?

Yesterday.
It's really out of it.

What do you mean, out of it?
Beige is the color of my apartment.

When we talked about that in my living room,
you said you liked it.

Yeah, I knowl did, Howard,
but that was before I went over tojerry's place.

Went over to] er-

Yeah, well, uh, I'll tell you what.

You got a lot of help here.
You don't need me. I'll just go, all right?

- Hey, Howard,you upset?
- [ Curtly] Why should I be upset?

Now I know why you like this color.
it's the color of a rotten tooth.

- You are upset.
- Oh, Howard, come on.

- No, I gotta go.
- Come on, Howard. Don't go.

- I'd really better be going.
- Don't go.

No. I got a lot of things to do.

- Howard?
- Yeah?

Go.

Wait a minute.
What are you so hurt about anyway?

- You're acting like a big baby. Isn't he, Bob?
- Well-

Sure. If you leave, you're gonna make
everybody feel bad. Won't he, Bob?

Unless that's what you really want to do.
Is that what you want to do?

- You want to make everybody feel bad
around here? - Stop waving that at me.

- Look what you made me do!
- I didn't do anything.

- You made me put paint on Bob's sleeve.
- I didn't do that. You did that.

- I did this.
- It doesn't matter-

Hey, wait a minute!
We're getting into a big hassle here.

- I think we ought tojust knock the whole
thing off. - Yeah. Everybody go home.

- Marilyn and I will finish this in the morning.
- What's goin' on here?

It started out a fun evening.
Then everything went beige on us.

- You've blaming me, aren't you?
- No, I'm not blaming you.

- If I was gonna blame anyone, it
would probably be Marilyn. - Me?

- Sure. You shouldn't have invited both
of us at the same time. - Why not?

Well, for one thing,
you've humiliated this man.

I mean, look at him-
standing there in his grubbies...

reeking of gardenia.

- Emily, do you believe this?
- No, I don't. What did Marilyn do?

Shejust invited
some friends over to paint.

Well, Marilyn and I are
a little more than friends.

Anyway, you can't have two guys feeding
the same cat without somebody getting hurt.

All right, Howard, listen. I dated both of you,
and I like you both very much.

- But I can date more than one person at the
same time. - I guess it's all my fault.

- I introduced you all to each other.
- it's not your fault, Emily.

- It's his fault.
- How could it be my fault?

It's both of your faults.
You're both acting like a couple kids.

You want to know whose fault it is?
I know whose fault it is.

It's Bob's fault for puttin' a damper
on this whole evening.

That's it.

I have spent the last week
conducting a free clinic...

listening to the sordid details
of your love life.

Howard, you've been moping around
all week and feeling sorry for yourself.

Emily, whenever you fix somebody up,
somehow I wind up in the middle.

And, Marilyn, I thinkyou've been taking
advantage of people and not even realizing it.

Now, I've looked at
this thing from afar...

and if there's one person
who's blameless, it's me.

Now go back to your fun paint party,
and I don't care if you paint yourselves silly.

I am gonna sit...

and have my Chinese dinner.

Well, now that I'm in my old clothes,
I think I'll paint.

You know, all things considered,
everything's working out great.

There's j erry, there's Howard...

- a 23-year-old karate instructor, a
sociology professor- -just a minute.

Let's go back to that
23-year-old karate instructor, hmm?

Oh, he is so terrific looking. Oh, and if you
ever need any firewood-[ Karate Yell ]

Hi, sweetheart,
How'd it go?

Well, I set a new record
for the four-minute mile: 12 minutes.

That's great.

You know, Emily, I've never seen
Bob in his shorts before. He's got terrific legs.

Marilyn...

lay one hand on him,
and I'll turn you into firewood.

- Would you like some cream?
- Yeah.

[ Mews]