All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s01e24 - Whos Been Sleeping On My Couch

Well, there I was lying on the beach,
which is really very strange...

because I never go to the beach
because I have this body hang-up.

- Uh-huh.
- 50 there I was, lying on the beach...

and I had this great body.

I think it was my sister's.

Anyway, it was a really hot day...

and I was just
laying there, baking.

Can I say if I had any clothes on?

- Of course.
- Well, I didn't.

And suddenly, I started
digging in the sand.

And I'm digging and I'm digging,
deeper and deeper.

And then I feel--
a cracker with peanut butter on it?

I don't know how that got there.

Yech. I'm all gunky.
I better go wash.

That's a good idea.

Let me get that.

Uh, Carol,
could I see you a minute?

Sure, Bob,
Is something wrong?

Somebodys been eating
on my couch.

Oh, really? Who?

I don't know. All I know is
that somebodys been eating on my couch.

Bob, you're starting to sound
a little like Mama Bear.

Does this belong to you?

Oh, no. I hate chunk style.

Well, somebody likes it.

I suppose this comb isn't yours.

That's not my comb. Bob, as you can see,
the hairs on this comb are brown.

My hair is obviously red.
Roots don't count.

I wonder whose it is.

Carol?

- "The Feminine Mystique"?
- Not my book.

But listen, Bob, I've been meaning to read it.
You mind if I borrow it?

Carol, it isn't my book.

It belongs to whoever's
been trespassing on my couch.

All right, all right.
Now lefsjust put this all together.

Now, likes peanut butter,
has brown hair...

am (ems The Feminine Mystique.

I've got it.

The person who's been
messing up your couch is-- [ Gasps]

Gotcha!

Are you sure it isn't the night watchman
having a little snack on your couch?

No, I talked to him.
He's 70, he's bald...

and all he reads
is Popular Mechanics.

It's a strange feeling knowing
somebody is using your office.

- What do you think, Howard?
- It's pretty obvious to me.

I'm surprised you haven't thought about it.
Hanky-panky.

- What?
- Hanky-panky.

Somebodys using your office
as a cheap motel.

Oh, Howard,
I don't think anybody would.

I don't think so either, Howard.

How do you explain
the peanut butter?

Well, whatever turns you on.

[Chuckling]
Howard.

Howard, somebodys been using my office.
That's bad enough, all right?

- [ Phone Ringing]
- I'll get it.

Okay.

Hello? This is Dr. Hartley, yes.

No, no, there shouldn't be.

My private line?

Thank you very much
for being so observant.

That was my answering service.

Somebodys in my office right now.

- I'm gonna go down there.
- Bob, that could be dangerous.

I mean, you don't know who's there
or what they could be doing.

I know what they're doing.

Bob, I thinkyou'd better
call the police.

Emily, it could be somebody I know.
I don't wanna get them in trouble.

Well, then I'm going with you.

- Emily, it's dangerous.
- Well, Howard will be with us.

Oh, I'm sorryl can't go with you.
I'm going to Australia.

If you wanna wait,
I'll be back Thursday.

Thanks a lot, Howard.
Hurry, Emily.

Uh, Bob, ifl'm right about
what's going on in your office...

uh, you know, don't be nice to 'em
and charge them a little something.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Better let me lead the way.

Uh, Mr. Atlee?
You're going the wrong way.

My office is over there.

Right, but I'm telling you--
you won't find anybody in there.

Forty-five yea rs,
nobody's got past me.

Well, we just got past you.

I heard your footsteps.
I could tell they were benign.

That's a medical term
meaning friendly.

- There's nobody in there.
- ,','[B/ues]

You left your radio on.

L-I don't have a radio.

Oh?I thought
I heard music in there.

- You-You do hear music.
- Okay.

Maybe somebody is in there,
but they didn't get past me.

Uh, Bob, maybe we should
call the police, huh?

I'm the police.

Now here's what we'll do.
He may be dangerous...

so I'll count to three,
and then we'll burst into the room.

That way we got
the element of surprise.

Okay?

One, two--

Aren't you gonna
take your gun out?

Oh, that's just for show.

On my 65th birthday,
they took away all my bullets.

Ready?
One, two, three!

It's locked.

I think we just lost
our element of surprise.

Shh. He probably didn't hear it.

All right, don't move!

- What?
- I got bullets in this gun.

_ Huh?
'J@I'l'y_

Dr. Robinson,
what are you doing here?

Jerry, what are you doing here?

I was just trying to sleep,
but there's so much noise.

And light. Will you get
that thing out of my eyes?

Oh, it's those new alkaline batteries.
They really make it bright.

Well, as long as
everything is benign here...

I'd better go feed the attack dog.

He gets really mad ifl'm late.

Jerry, what are you doing here?

I'm really sorry for sleeping
in your office like this, Bob.

I wouldn't do it
if I didn't have to.

Jerry, what's wrong with your apartment?
Are they painting it?

No, I just didn't feel like going there.
But I know it was a mistake to come here.

- I'll just check into a motel.
-jerry, you have a perfectly lovely apartment.

Why are you talking about
sleeping in offices and motels?

Oh, well, I don't think this is a good place
to talk about my problems.

I'm glad my patients
don't feel that way.

- Uh, why don't I just wait outside?
- Hey, no, Emily, no.

I mean,you're my friend.
I can talk in front of you.

OhJerry, I'm so glad
you feel that way.

Sure.

Go ahead, j erry.

[Stammers]

Ithinkl'll go
get a cup of coffee.

- Oh, thanks, Emily.
- Yeah.

Bob, it's a woman again.

Gail and I are through. She picked up
and left three and a half days ago.

And everything in every room reminds me of her.
That's why I can't go back to the apartment.

Well, what happened?

She dumped me
for a 22-year-old kid.

I'm getting old, Bob.

Jerry, what are you
talking about?

When women start throwing you over
for younger men...

you're getting old.

I'm losing my hair.

Getting a pot.

My nose is too big.

Jerry, that's ridiculous.

Oh, come on, Bob.
Don't be polite.

You've noticed
the old honker, huh?

No, I didn't mean thatjerry.

How can you say
you're getting bald?

It's true, Bob.
Sure, it's all fluffed up now.

That's mostly air.

When my head is wet,
I am bald.

Look,jerry, you'rejust
feeling sorry for yourself.

And at a time like this,
it's not a good idea to be by yourself.

So why don't you spend
the next couple days with us?

I don't wanna inconvenience you, Bob.
And, uh, what about Emily?

Well, Emily won't mind.

- Uh, Emily?
- Yeah?

You don't mind ifjerry stays with us
for a couple days, do you?

- Of course not.
- That'll really be nice.

- Oh, it's no problem. We'd love to have you.
- Oh, great.

Oh, uh, listen, Emily, you wanna get yourself
another cup of coffee?

You know.

Oh, I get it. You wanna talk
private some more.

No, no, no,
I just wanna put my pants on.

Oh.

Boy, how lucky can a guy get
to have pals like you guys?

OhJerry,
our home is your home.

I'll go get the bedding,
and we'll make up the couch.

- Great.
- Here, I'll give you a hand with your luggage.

Oh, thanks, Bob.

Listen, anything you want, we got.

Oh, that's okay, Bob. I have to do
some shopping tomorrow anyway.

I'm gonna pick up
some shorts, socks...

shirts, couple pair of pants.

Maybe a swimsuit.

Jerry, you aren't going to
be here that long, you know.

I mean,you'll be going back
to your apartment pretty soon.

Oh, I don't know, Bob. I can't imagine
ever going back to my apartment.

Ever?

Well, the couch isn't the most comfortable,
but it's not bad for a night or two.

Is it, Bob?

That'll be great. I'm really getting
to like sleeping on couches.

Oh, and you have your own bathroom.
You can use the guest bathroom.

Oh, that's fantastic.
I'm really dying to take a shower.

Uh, it has a half bath.
It has everything but a shower.

Oh, that's okay. I'll go to work early
tomorrow morning.

Tupperman's got
this real deep sink.

Oh, don't be silly,jerry.
You can use our shower.

Yeah, when you wanna take a shower,
just knock on the bedroom door...

- and walk through and use it.
- Uh-huh.

I'd better buy a robe
tomorrow too.

What time do you get up
in the morningJer?

- Uh, about 7:30.
- Well, that'll work out fine.

I'll get up and do my exercises, read my paper
and then I'll take my shower.

Oh, great. Well, then
I'll put on the coffee...

start breakfast,
and then I'll take my shower.

I like tojog in the morning, so I'll get up,
take a couple laps around the block...

come up, have my coffee
and take my shower.

You know, I get the strange feeling
that sometime tomorrow morning...

all three of us are going to be taking
a shower together.

- More bacon, honey.
- No, thank you, dear.

You know, this is very interesting.
An economist says in i991

the dollar's gonna
be worth 18 cents...

but the metal in a quarter
is gonna be worth 35 cents.

- How do you explain that?
- I can't.

That's why I'm glad
I teach the third grade.

All I have to explain to them is why
the old woman in the shoe had so many kids.

Hey, you know we're
out of shampoo in there?

Oh, I'll put it on the list.

Oh, hey, listen, no,
Let me buy it this time, Emily.

You bought it the last two times.

You sure use
a lot ofshampooJerry.

I have to, Bob. lfl don't shampoo every day,
it doesn't fluff up so good.

Ah, do you have
the sports section there?

Yeah, I was just getting to it.

Boy, this is great.
I love this.

Jerry, can I make you some eggs?

Oh, yeah. Could I have them basted again?
Not quite as runny as yesterday.

Okay. Toast?

Uh, yeah, one piece--
whole wheat, buttered.

Okay.

Oh, Bob, you're a lucky man,
living like this.

We're both lucky, j erry.

Wow! Did you read about
the Blackhawks-Kings game?

Don't tell me. Hold it, all right?
I like to read it by myself.

Oh. Sure,
I understand, Bob.

[Quiet Whistle]
Eight to five.

Okay, who got the eight?

Well, don't you wanna
read it yourself?

- Not now.
- The Blackhawks got the eight.

Good.

Kings got the five.

I figured that out.

Interesting recipe here.

Uh,jerry, your eggs are basting
and your toast is in the toaster.

When the toast pops up, your eggs
will be ready. I'm going to shower.

- Oh, good. Oh, uh, Emily.
- Hmm?

We're almost out of hot water in there.
But there's a trick I learned in the navy.

Just use the hot, see? Get wet,
shut it off fast, soap up, and then rinse off.

You mightjust have enough
to make it if you're lucky.

[Chuckles]
Thanks.

I didn't want to laze around
in the shower anyhow.

Jerry, you know, you're welcome
to stay here as long as you want.

Thanks, Bob.

But you really oughta start thinking about
facing the apartment again.

You know, it's sort of like
getting thrown offa horse.

You know, you get thrown off, you get
right back on, and then you're all right.

No, see, this is more
like being trampled by a horse, Bob.

The only thing that'll cure me is time.
Plenty of time.

How much timeJerry?

Oh, I'm in the way here.
I knew it.

Look, I'll just check in
to a motel. It's no problem.

No, no, I was just curious.

Emily will want to know how big a turkey
to order for Thanksgiving.

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Thanks for your offer, Bob...

but I'll be out of here
long before then... I hope.

- Morning, Bob.
- Oh, hi, Howard.

Do you have any peanut butter?

Yeah, it's right there
on the table.

Listen, I'm on my way
to the office.

I'll see you at the office, Bob.

- Hi,jer. How do you feel?
- Fair.

- [ Bell Ding; ]
- Oh, you're still hung up on that girl, huh?

-I guess so, Howard.
- You know what your trouble is?

You'rejust sitting around thinking about her.
You should go out with lots of girls.

You know, I gotjust the girl for you.
I mean, she'll really make you forget.

Her name is, uh--

Sure made you forget, Howard.

No, I don't think
I'll ever forget Gail.

She was an exceptional woman.
One in a million, Howard.

I know a million of those.

No, you don't.
She was a beautiful person.

She was strong,
yet she was feminine.

She was loving, tender, sweet.

She was intelligent, worldly.

She had a wonderful maturity
about her.

- Wow.
- Wordsjust can't describe her, Howard.

She wasn't one of
your typical beauties, you know.

She had an innate sensuality
about her.

When she walked into a room,
every man wanted her.

Do you think there's a chance that, uh,
you'll ever get back together again?

[Scoffs]
After what she did to me? Not a chance.

Do you mind if I give hera call?

- Morning.
- Bob, do you know wherejerry is?

I've been trying to
reach him all morning.

Yeah, he'll be in
for his 10:00 appointment.

Well, what about his 9:00? Arnold Minter
has been waiting injerrys chair...

for half an hour
with his mouth open.

- He must have forgotten.
- What's the matter with him?

Oh, and why isn't
he answering his phone?

Jerry's been sleeping at our place
for the past week, but don't tell anyone.

Oh, no, wait, wait, no.
See, you can't just leave it at that.

Now, ifl'm not telling anyone, at least I'm
entitled to know what it is I'm not telling them.

All right.
Come on in, Carol.

Oh, okay, Bob,
but just one minute, please.

Hi, Pat? Yeah, I found out
Jerry's not coming in till 10:00...

so tell Arnold Minter
to shut his mouth and go to school.

Right. Bye.

Okay, now tell me aboutjerry.

Door Closes 1

Carol, remember the other day we found
the peanut butter in the couch?

Yeah. And the comb
with the brown hair in it.

Hey. I'll bet
that brown hairwasjerrys.

And he's been the one
that's been using your couch.

But why would he
be using your couch?

Wait a minute!
That book.

I'll bet he was reading
The Feminine Mystique...

because he broke up with his girlfriend
and he was upset, right?

Of course! And he couldn't go
back to his apartment...

because they spent so much time there,
so he started sleeping in your office.

You found out,
you took him home...

and that's why he's been so despondent
and couldn't keep his appointments.

Is that it, Bob?

Close.

[Drill Whirring]

- [Knocking]
- Come in.

- HLJer.
- Hi, Carol.

Listemjerry, I was just wo--
[Weak Chuckle]

What can I do for you, Carol?

WelLJerFy, actually I wanted to--
[Groaning]

- Is this bothering you?
- Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, please,just workjust give me
something to bite on-- a stick, anything.

I'm sorry, Carol.
What can I do for you?

WelLJer, you know,
I've been thinking--

People work together,
they see each other every day...

and they have no awareness
of each other's problems.

And if you share problems,
it gets so much easier, you know?

Gee, Carol, I can't handle
any of your problems right now.

Oh, no,jerry, no, no.

I wasn't talking about my problems.
I meant your problems.

I can't handle
any of my problems either.

Hey, wait a minute.
How'd you know I had problems anyway?

Oh, sorry,
I promised Bob not to tell.

Oh, Bob.
Well, thanks anyway, Carol.

- I appreciate your concern, but--
- [ Drill Whirs]

No, no, no, off, off.
Please, off, offijerry, please.

Now, you cannot cover your feelings
with a lot of noise.

No, you have to face this
sooner or later.

Wounds heal if you let them.

What do you suggest, Carol?

Take me out on a date.

You'll be surprised
how much it'll help.

It'll helpyou.
What about me?

Come on,jer, I like you.
I mean, I really care about you.

And it hurts me
to see you like this.

And I know exactly
what you're going through, trust me.

Oh, yeah? You ever been thrown over
for a 22-year-old guy?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Oh, so come on,jerry.
We'll have a great time.

We'll have dinner, some wine, and then
maybe later a little dancing, huh? Come on.

It doesn't sound bad.
I'm not really dressed for it.

The stores are closed.

Wonder if I could pick up
a suit at the drugstore.

- Oh, hi, Bob.
- Oh, hi.jerry, we better get going.

- We're gonna miss the 6:12.
- I'm not going with you tonight, Bob.

I'm going out with Carol.

Oh, good. What time do you think
you'll be home? 11:00? 12:00?

Gee, Dad, this is Friday night.
I thought I could stay out until 1:00.

I don't think
this is gonna work, Carol.

Jerry, you've gotta face your apartment
sooner or later. We'll face it together.

I know as soon as I open this door,
the memories of Gail are gonna start up again.

Oh, don't be silly,
It's all in your head.

Now, look, this is your apartment.
She's gone. There's no more Gail.

- Nice try, Carol.
- Oh! Gail, huh?

Yeah. The memories
are starting up again.

Well, we'll just get rid
of those memories.

Yeah? We're gonna need a big box.
Here's a couple more.

Oh, here's another one.

Oh, boy, when you get hung up on someone,
you don't keep it a secret.

Jerry, why do you have
so many pictures of this girl?

At first I thought it was great she was having
all these pictures taken of herself.

- You know the guy she dumped me for?
- Yeah?

- Her photographer.
- Oh,jerry.

Oh, I just can't stand
being here, Carol.

I mean, all these memories.
This is only the living room.

I got three more rooms and a kitchen.
Oh, the great times we had in that kitchen.

Would you believe
a face like this could cook?

I'm gonna have to move, Carol.

Now,jer, here, give me that. Now don't you
thinkyou're being dishonest with yourself?

Down deep,
aren't you a little angry?

- Oh, I guess so.
- Then go with it,jerry. Get into it.

All right.
I just hate myself for losing her.

Jerry, you did not lose her.
She rejected you.

- Oh, yeah.
- Now, do you--

Do you enjoy being dumped?
Do you have a dump wish?

Oh, no.

Well, then quit being mad at yourself.
Be mad at her.

Right.

Ah. Good for you,jerry.

Hey, listen, we'll get rid
of all of the pictures.

- Okay.
- I'll get a wastebasket. We'll make a night of it.

Okay. This is a great idea, Carol.

This is just what I needed.
Fantastic.

Fantastic.

This is wonderful, Carol.
just what I needed.

- Oh, I shouldn't have done that.
- Why?

I just ripped up
a picture of my mother.

Well, that's it for this room.

I'm gonna take a little rest
before I get into the bedroom.

There's a photo mural in there.

Jer, listen, this may not be the time
to lay this on you, you know...

but did you ever notice that you always
go out with the same type of girl?

I meanJerry, did you ever think of
iust going out with a woman?

A nice, honest,
hard-working woman...

who will treat you
like a human being.

Carol,you know that I think
you're a wonderful person.

- Oh, oh, sure.
- No, no, Carol.

- I really mean that. You're my friend.
- Mm-hmm.

You really care for me,
and I can feel that.

I need that, Carol,
and I really appreciate it.

But if we started going out together,
we mightjust end up hating each other.

Try me.

Well, what are you doing
tomorrow night?

Sorry, I'm busy.

Hey, come on. What do you expect
with such short notice?

Listen, we're here
together tonight.

Is there anything else
I can do to take your mind off Gail?

You know how to
get rid of a tattoo?

I'm really gonna miss you guys.

We'll miss you too,jer.

It's gonna seem strange
living alone with Bob again.

Well, I sure do appreciate it
for helping me over this rough period.

Well, as kind of a going-away presentjerry,
we got you some new luggage.

Thank you very much, Bob.

Well, that's it.

Thank you for everything.

Well,just thanks. You know, I'd do
the same for you if you ever decide to--

Well, you know.

Oh, uh, listen. I started
a new bar of soap in the shower.

Well, you canjust keep it.

[ Mews]