All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s01e20 - A Home Is Not Necessarily A House

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]
- Com e in.

Hi.

Bob? Uh, where are you, Bob?

I'm out here in the garden, Howard.

Oh, you call your balcony a garden.
I call my balcony a lanai. Sounds better.

Why don't you call it a den?
You've always wanted a den.

You know, there's something different about you.
What's different about you?

What's different about you? I know.
You're wearing a sweatshirt.

I've never seen you
in a sweatshirt before.

I always wear a sweatshirt
when I wanna be sloppy.

Yeah, but it's all starched
and you got a crease.

Well, I like to be neat when I'm sloppy.
You want a club soda?

No, thank you.
I hear there's a storm over Cincinnati...

and, uh, with all that carbonation
I might hurt myself.

- Hi. Oh, hi, Howard.
- [Door Closes]

- So, how was your morning, honey?
- Ah, fabulous.

I went to see a house that was for sale with
Ann Montgomery, and she hated it.

That doesn't sound too fabulous.

Well, Bob, you know Ann has horrible taste.
The house was fabulous.

- Fabulous.
- Are you guys moving?

- Absolutely not.
- Well--

Emily.

I only said, “Well?

Emily, somehow your wells
have a funny way of becoming yeses.

Oh. Well, okay.just come look at it.
Then you can make up your mind.

Honey, my mind is made up along with
Ann Montgomery's. We both hate the house.

- Uh-huh.
- Look, I can see you guys are having a fight, so I--

Uh, no, no, no.
No, we're not.

Now, nobody is forcing you to buy the house.
just come with me and take a look at it.

Emily, I-l don't like to be forced
into something I don't want to do.

- No one is forcing you. - Well, I don't know
what you call it, but I call it a fight.

Howard, we're not having a fight.

I just will not spend an enormous amount of
money to wind up in a place I'm going to hate.

Bob, you are stubborn and cheap.

You're right, Howard.
We're having a fight.

Yeah, a good one. Well, I guess I'll go to
Hong Kong, Paris and Madrid.

- Have a nice flight, Howard.
- Yeah,you too.

Oh, Bob. I'm sorryl made a scene.

Of course you don't have to
look at the house if you don't want to.

No. I-l was being
close-minded and unfair.

I'll, uh, go out to the house.
I'll look at it.

I'll-I'll hate it, and then we'll
have it out of the way.

And so that's your dining room.

And don't you just love
this darling breakfast nook?

Ah, I love it.
Don't you just love it, Bob?

Mmm.

Here we are back in
the living room again.

Have you ever seen so many large rooms
in such a small house?

- No, I never have. Have you, Bob?
- [ Mumbles]

And the closet. I've never seen such
a large guest closet in such a little house.

And there's a light in here
and lots and lots of shelves.

I don't know about you,
but I always need more shelves than I have.

Now, let's see if I can find that light.

Uh, wh-what do you think, Bob?
Do you love it?

Emily, it's hard to love a closet.

I mean the whole house, Bob.

I have to admit. You-you were right.
It's, uh, a great house.

- Oh, Bob.
- And the Queen Mary is a great boat, but...

just because something is great, that doesn't
necessarily mean you have to buy it.

Did you say you were going to buy it?
How nice.

No, we haven't decided yet.

But you do admit you like the house?

L-I like the house.

I don't think I mentioned
the beamed ceilings. Aren't they wonderful?

You know, they don't
build houses like this today.

Ah, wonderful. How old is this house?

Three years.

I guess-- I guess that was
the last good year for houses.

And on your left is the living room.

This is easily big enough
for two, full-scale couches.

Oh, hi, Shirley. I didn't know you were here.

- That's all right. We're just about finished.
- Mind if we play through?

- [ Both Laugh]
- Not at all.

Well, this is your living room.

Have you ever seen such a large living room
in such a small house?

Look at the beamed ceilings.
They just don't build houses like this anymore.

Your linen closet
has lots and lots of shelves.

I don't know about you,
but I never seem to have enough shelves.

Now, the dining room is right through here,
Thanks, Shirley. Bye.

Bye. He's always selling, selling, selling.
He never lets up for a second.

- So, have you decided yet? - Well, um, I
think we need time alone to discuss it.

Fine.just don't take too long...

because I could tell that other couple
was very interested in buying this house.

Oh, really?
He seemed a little bored.

Doesn't mean a thing. She likes it.

Once you get the wife interested,
the husbandjust goes along.

Oh, let me see if I can find
that closet light for you.

[Chuckles]
She didn't mean you, Bob.

You never go along with anything.

Thank you.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Morning, Carol.
- Oh, hi, Bob. Where you been?

- I was looking at a house.
- Bob, you're buying a new house?

Well, we werejust browsing.

Any phone calls or messages?

Yeah, uh, Mr, Wesley called--
that new patient referred by Mr. Carlin?

- Oh, yeah.
- He's gonna be a little late.

Bob, don't think he's gonna be
one of your quick cures.

Why do you say that?

Well, he's late because he can't figure out
what color socks to wear.

Any-Any other calls?

Uh, Mrs. Wolf son from
the Bull's-eye Real Estate Agency called...

five times.

Beats four of a kind.

You want me to get her for you?

Uh, no, no. I'm sure she'll
deal me another one. Anything else?

Yeah, Bob. I'd like to
talk to you for a minute.

- Sure. What about?
- Uh, in private.

- Oh, one of those long, private minutes.
- [ Mouths Words]

Okay. Come on.

Are you waiting for me to bark?

Oh, Bob. I'm sorry.

- Here.
- [Chuckles]

Bob, this is really hard for me to do.

I've never been good at this,
and I love working here...

and you're the only one I can talk to because
you're the only one that can understand.

But I'm really embarrassed asking.

But it's gotten to the point where
I've got no choice.

I just hate to ask. I mean,
I know you've got a lot on your mind...

but, darn it, I've got to start
thinking about myself here.

I've never done this before.
Bob, I need a $10 raise.

- You got it.
- I do?

How about 15?

No.

Oh, no. Ten's fine. Oh, I love 10.

Thank you, Bob. But see, I had to ask
about the 15, because if I didn't...

I'd have spent the rest of my life wondering
if the 15 would be as easy as the 1 O.

- Now-Now you know that it wouldn't.
- Right.

[Phone Rings]

Oh-Oh, here.
Oh, please, please let me get that for you.

I know it's just a small thing,
but I'd really like to.

Hello? Oh,just a minute. Mrs. Wolf son.

Oh, uh, tell her I'm busy.

I'm sorry, Dr. Hartley
is busy and can't be disturbed.

Just a minute, I'll ask him.
What time can you call her?

Carol, for somebody whojust got
a $10-a-week raise, you aren't, uh--

you aren't doing a good job
of ducking phone calls.

Right. Dr. Hartley's in surgery.
He'll call you the moment he gets out.

[Water Running]

Jerry, you got a minute to talk?

Oh, sure, Bob.
just washing my hands.

You know I wash my hands on the average
of 46 times a clay?

Even more ifl've had ribs for lunch.

- I remember one time I tried some new soap--
Jerry?

- Hmm?
- No, no. Me talk, you listen.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Have a seat.

Okay, Bob. What should we talk about?

Well, I would love to talk about the Bulls
and the Cubs andjack Nicklaus.

You know, fun things?

But I'm getting pressured into buying
a house, and, uh, I don't know what to do.

That's simple. Tell Emily you're not going to
buy the house because you don't like it.

Yeah, butjerry, I love the house.

Oh. Then tell Emily you're not going to
buy the house because you love it.

Jerry, I-l love our apartment, you know?

I've finally gotten everything together.

You know, my work is working for me.
The home is working for me.

I mean, everything is working for me,
and I just don't wanna change it.

I mean, on the other hand, I know eventually
we're gonna have to buy a house...

and it's, uh-- it's a great house.

I mean, look at me, and I haven't even seen
a termite report yet.

Bob, I'm gonna offer you
some basic: advice--

not as a dentist, but as your friend.

You're talking about a house here.
Now, a house is big.

That's like, uh-- like a new chair.

See, you don't buy anything that big
without giving it a lot of thought.

You take your time. Now, if you were
meant to have that house, you'll have it.

If you're not, you won't.
[Chuckles]

Houses can be on the market
for months-- for years.

- I mean, the point is, Bob, you got to stay cool.
- [ Knocking]

- Yeah?
- HLJer.

- It's Emily.
- Bob, why didn't you answer Mrs. Wolf son's calls?

Well, because I didn't wanna talk to her.

Emily, what-what are you doing here?

Well, the house. We have to make a decision
on the house.

Emily, uh, a house is a big thing.

I mean, if-if-- if you're meant to
have a house, you'll have a house.

If you're not meant to have a house,
you-you won't have a house.

I mean, the main thing is
that we-we've got time.

No, we don't. The other couple
who looked at the house made an offer.

We've got to decide right now if we want
that house or not.

Wow, an offer so fast.
That must be a great house.

Oh, it is,jerry. You should see it.
Beamed ceilings, huge rooms...

- a big stone fireplace--
- Gee, that sounds fantastic.

You know, houses like that
do not stay on the market very long.

Bob, if you- if you like that house,
you betterjust grab that house.

- Jerry, will you please stay cool?
- Oh, yeah.

I mean, now how do we know
if there is an offer on the house?

And how do we know what the owner
is going to think of that offer?

I mean, how-how do we know
any of those things?

Oh, because Mrs. Wolf son
is right outside and she'll tell us.

Okay, Bob. Let me give you
some basic advice.

Don't make your first offer too high
because you can't come down.

- You can always come up on the counter, but
don't make it too low-- -j erry. j erry.

One wife at a time. All right?

Excuse me.

Oh, uh, Dr. Hartley, I'm so sorry to
bother you in the middle of surgery...

but if you don't come up with an offer higher
than the other offer, you may lose your house.

All right. Now, how much
is the other offer?

Oh, it's unethical
for me to tell you that.

However, if you make an offer, I'll present it
to the owner, and we'll be in the running.

Yeah. Oh, Bob, I met the owner, and he's really
a nice guy. And, um, I think he likes us.

It's important to have the owner like you.
That'll put you way ahead of the other couple.

Oops. Oh, so sorry.

Excuse me, Bob. Mr. Wesley,
your new patient, is here, and, uh...

just so you'll be prepared- he looks really
depressed, and he's not wearing any socks.

Good, Carol. I'll tell him what I went through
here and it'll probably cheer him up.

[Whimpers]

[Whimpers]

Bob, I can't sleep
with you making all that noise.

Emily, if I could sleep, I would sleep.

Why don't you go to sleep, and then we'll
at least have half the bed asleep.

You're thinking about the house, aren't you?

[Whimpers]

Well, I hope you're not sorry
we decided to bid on the house.

No, Emily. I'm not sorry.

You decided to bid on it.

Oh, no.

You're not gonna lay that off on me.

Now, we were both in your office
when we both decided to make that offer.

You signed that deposit check.

Emily, after an hour with a man
with no socks on, I would've signed anything.

That is so typical.

That is so--

You aren'tjust going to
leave it at that, are you?

You hate change. You fight change.
You resist change.

I do not resist change.
I just like staying where I am.

Oh, Bob. Now, why are we doing this?

I mean, we're talking about
something wonderful.

Something we're both gonna love. A house.

[Whimpers]

What is it that's bothering you?

Well, there are a lot of small things
I have on my mind.

They'rejust small things,
but, well, they're on my mind.

Like-- Like trash cans.

I mean, if we get that house...

one Saturday, I'm gonna have to go
to a hardware store...

and I'm gonna have to buy a trash can.

Now, how am I gonna get the trash can
into the trunk of our car?

Oh, Bob, I've thought of
all the problems...

but the advantages
far outweigh the disadvantages.

Like, well, like a garden.

I mean, won't it be wonderful to
just wake up in the morning...

and look out and see our own garden?

And who's gonna
take care of that garden?

Bob. [ Kiss]

That's another thing I'll have to get
at the hardware store.

A lawn mower and mulch.

I'll never be able to get the trash can in
the trunk of our car...

unless I make two trips.

I could rent a trailer at the gas station.

Trailers are almost impossible
to get on Saturdays.

[Whimpers]

So, I was very shy and self-conscious
because I was so short.

My mom kept telling me
I'd be six-feet tall like my dad.

Well, still waiting.

But, you are tall, Mr. Carlin.

Lifts. Without 'em I'd be shortjust like you.

Anyway, I fell in love with this real tall girl...

and that's when I bought
my first pair of elevator shoes.

I can still remember the saleslady
pretending they were a normal pair of shoes.

- It was really humiliating
- [Yawning] Mm-hmm.

- You're bored with me.
- No, I'm just tired.

You're tired of me. It's the same thing.

- I couldn't sleep last night.
- That happens to me every night.

I think, uh-- I think now might be
a good time to stop for today, Mr. Carlin.

Right, it is a good time to stop.

I'd hate to have you
yawning through my only love affair.

I'll, uh-- I'll see you next Thursday.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.
- Hi.

Oh, Bob, your real estate lady's
been calling.

She says she has to see you tonight about
the house, and she'll meet you anyplace.

Your apartment, your office,
or what subway are you taking?

That probably means they've accepted
the offer. I was afraid of that.

- Hey, you're buying a house?
- Well, we have a bid in on one.

You should've said something. You know
I'm in the land development business.

This is a house, not a swamp.

I know about all kinds of real estate.

- What neighborhood is your house in?
- The, um, Marveiia district.

- Uh-oh.
- What?

- Nothing.
- What's wrong with the Marveiia district?

Well, I heard they're gonna put
a new, uh, smelting plant in there.

- I can't believe that.
- I can't either. It's probably just a rumor.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings]
- I'll see you.

We, uh-- We have
a very reputable real estate lady.

- I'm sure she would've told us.
- Oh, she probably would've.

- Who is she?
- Shirley Wolf son.

Uh-oh.

Well, listen, Bob. Don't listen to him.

You know what a downer he is.
That's why he comes here.

And anyway, he said it was just a rumor,
and you know how rumors are.

Do you know, for years they kept saying
they were gonna build a hospital...

across the street
from my apartment house?

And it turned out to be totally untrue.
It was merely a clinic.

Thanks a lot, Carol.
First Mr. Carlin, then you.

- The first thing you knowjerry will come out--
- Bob. Oh, good.

Glad I caught you. I just talked to my business
manager. Here's what you gotta look out for.

Copper pipes. Don't let 'em slip off
plastic pipes on you.

Oil and mineral rights. Bob, make sure
you keep your oil and mineral rights.

Don't let 'em take that away from you.
lfthere's a crawl space...

underneath the basement,
take a flashlight, don some coveralls.

You wanna crawl under there
“checking for seepage and dry rot.“

Now, check out the water heater.

If you don't have a 40-gallon tank,
you're gonna have to put one in.

Check the electrical. If you don't have
a 220 line, you're in big--

- Emily.
- Hi, dear.

Honey, I don't have time
for that right now.

We have to talk before Mrs. Wolf son,
the real estate lady, gets here.

- Well, we can't.
- Honey, we have to.

Uh, we can't 'cause we're not alone.

Well, what do you think, gals? I mean,
it's a great apartment, isn't it?

I mean, it's close to where the action is.
The shopping center. The airport.

My apartment. Oh, hi, Bob.

You-You're right, Emily.
We're not alone.

Well, we'rejust finishing up.
Excuse me.

If you divide the rent three
ways it won't be bad at all.

I'll put in a good word
with the manager.

- I won't tell him why you were thrown out of
your last place. - We'll let you know, Howard.

Yeah. Bye. Bye.

Stewardesses. The blonde's first-class.

What's happening with your house?
I mean, when do you move?

Well, they haven't officially
accepted our offer, Howard.

Ah, well. They will. You know something,
uh, I'm gonna miss you guys.

Yeah, I could see how
broken up you were, Howard.

Well, I'd rather have you and Emily,
but if I can't have you, I'd rather have them.

Well, um...

look, if you, uh, need any help moving,
uh, be glad to help.

I mean, if you need
any suitcases or boxes.

Uh, I mean, uh,
don't worry about the mailman.

I'll just tell the mailman
you don't live here anymore.

Don't worry about the mailman or the--
don't worry about the milkman...

or the paperboy.

I'll just tell everybody
you don't live here anymore.

[Crying] I'm sorry, I--

- Oh, Howard.
- I'm sorry. I think I'd better go.

[Crying]

- [ Door Closes]
- Oh, Bob.

lam gonna miss that Howard so much.

Emily, um, I'm gonna miss everything
about this apartment. Sit down.

L-I think we've made a terrible mistake.

I've been feeling it all afternoon.

I started to have your doubts this morning,
so I went to take another look at the house.

Oh, good, honey.
I'm glad you did that.

Now reassure me,
e-everything is gonna be okay.

It needs paint... bad.

That was onjerry's list.

Check peeling paint around windowsills.

Emily, you didn't happen to
put on some coveralls...

and crawl under the house
to see if there was dry rot?

Oh, Bob, I think we've made
a terrible mistake.

Emily, I-- I don't want that house...

more than anything in the world.

- Neither do I.
- [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

That's Mrs. Wolf son. She'll be all smiley...

and telling us how happy
we're gonna be in our darling new house.

- Hello.
- Honey, it's-it's Mrs. Wolf son...

and it looks like she has good news for us.

- Let me take your coat, Mrs. Wolf son.
- Oh, thank you.

You know, I've been running all day today.
My gosh, what a darling apartment.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, we-we like it.

You know, I thinkl have somebody
that might be interested in this.

- Good.
- Well, let me tell you about your house.

The owner's just delighted that you
bid on it because he really likes you.

He knows you have taste
and integrity...

and you'rejust exactly the kind of people
he would like to see get the house.

- Uh-huh.
- So, I presented your offer to him.

- Unfortunately, he turned it down.
- [ Laughs]

- Areyou all right?
-[Continues Laughing]

I'm just-- I'm just very disappointed.
[Laughs]

Emily, they've, uh-- they've turned down
the offer on the house.

- [ Both Laughing]
- Really?

See, my, uh-- my wife is
just-just as disappointed as I am.

Well, maybe you'll feel better
in the morning.

L-I doubt it.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Good morning.
- Hey, Bob.

Hey, Bob. Hey, you look really happy.
You must've gotten your new house.

No, we lost it,
and we couldn't be happier.

[Chuckles]
See, Bob?just like I told you.

You didn't want that house. You bid low.
You lost it. Now you're happy.

Worked out perfect.

- [ Phone Rings]
- Doctor's office.

Just a minute. Bob, it's Mrs. Wolf son.

Doyou wanna talk
or shall I tell heryou're in surgery?

No, I'll talk to her.

H-Hello? Hello, Mrs. Wolf son.

Yeah, you were right.
We feel much better this morning.

You have another house.

More darling than the other one.

No, I don't think my wife and I
will be in the market for a house...

oh, for-for two or three years.

No. I wouldn't want to make
an appointment that far in advance.

I don't know what train
I'll be taking home tonight, no.

Mrs. Wolf son--

Well, thank you. Mrs-Mrs. Wolf--

Uh, Mrs. Wolf son, I'm sorry,
but l-l'vejust been called into surgery.

[ Mews]