Original subtitles

- [ Doorbell Buzzes ] - Com e in.

Hi.

Bob? Uh, where are you, Bob?

I'm out here in the garden, Howard.

Oh, you call your balcony a garden. I call my balcony a lanai. Sounds better.

Why don't you call it a den? You've always wanted a den.

You know, there's something different about you. What's different about you?

What's different about you? I know. You're wearing a sweatshirt.

I've never seen you in a sweatshirt before.

I always wear a sweatshirt when I wanna be sloppy.

Yeah, but it's all starched and you got a crease.

Well, I like to be neat when I'm sloppy. You want a club soda?

No, thank you. I hear there's a storm over Cincinnati...

and, uh, with all that carbonation I might hurt myself.

- Hi. Oh, hi, Howard. - [Door Closes]

- So, how was your morning, honey? - Ah, fabulous.

I went to see a house that was for sale with Ann Montgomery, and she hated it.

That doesn't sound too fabulous.

Well, Bob, you know Ann has horrible taste. The house was fabulous.

- Fabulous. - Are you guys moving?

- Absolutely not. - Well--

Emily.

I only said, “Well?

Emily, somehow your wells have a funny way of becoming yeses.

Oh. Well, okay.just come look at it. Then you can make up your mind.

Honey, my mind is made up along with Ann Montgomery's. We both hate the house.

- Uh-huh. - Look, I can see you guys are having a fight, so I--

Uh, no, no, no. No, we're not.

Now, nobody is forcing you to buy the house. just come with me and take a look at it.

Emily, I-l don't like to be forced into something I don't want to do.

- No one is forcing you. - Well, I don't know what you call it, but I call it a fight.

Howard, we're not having a fight.

I just will not spend an enormous amount of money to wind up in a place I'm going to hate.

Bob, you are stubborn and cheap.

You're right, Howard. We're having a fight.

Yeah, a good one. Well, I guess I'll go to Hong Kong, Paris and Madrid.

- Have a nice flight, Howard. - Yeah,you too.

Oh, Bob. I'm sorryl made a scene.

Of course you don't have to look at the house if you don't want to.

No. I-l was being close-minded and unfair.

I'll, uh, go out to the house. I'll look at it.

I'll-I'll hate it, and then we'll have it out of the way.

And so that's your dining room.

And don't you just love this darling breakfast nook?

Ah, I love it. Don't you just love it, Bob?

Mmm.

Here we are back in the living room again.

Have you ever seen so many large rooms in such a small house?

- No, I never have. Have you, Bob? - [ Mumbles]

And the closet. I've never seen such a large guest closet in such a little house.

And there's a light in here and lots and lots of shelves.

I don't know about you, but I always need more shelves than I have.

Now, let's see if I can find that light.

Uh, wh-what do you think, Bob? Do you love it?

Emily, it's hard to love a closet.

I mean the whole house, Bob.

I have to admit. You-you were right. It's, uh, a great house.

- Oh, Bob. - And the Queen Mary is a great boat, but...

just because something is great, that doesn't necessarily mean you have to buy it.

Did you say you were going to buy it? How nice.

No, we haven't decided yet.

But you do admit you like the house?

L-I like the house.

I don't think I mentioned the beamed ceilings. Aren't they wonderful?

You know, they don't build houses like this today.

Ah, wonderful. How old is this house?

Three years.

I guess-- I guess that was the last good year for houses.

And on your left is the living room.

This is easily big enough for two, full-scale couches.

Oh, hi, Shirley. I didn't know you were here.

- That's all right. We're just about finished. - Mind if we play through?

- [ Both Laugh] - Not at all.

Well, this is your living room.

Have you ever seen such a large living room in such a small house?

Look at the beamed ceilings. They just don't build houses like this anymore.

Your linen closet has lots and lots of shelves.

I don't know about you, but I never seem to have enough shelves.

Now, the dining room is right through here, Thanks, Shirley. Bye.

Bye. He's always selling, selling, selling. He never lets up for a second.

- So, have you decided yet? - Well, um, I think we need time alone to discuss it.

Fine.just don't take too long...

because I could tell that other couple was very interested in buying this house.

Oh, really? He seemed a little bored.

Doesn't mean a thing. She likes it.

Once you get the wife interested, the husbandjust goes along.

Oh, let me see if I can find that closet light for you.

[Chuckles] She didn't mean you, Bob.

You never go along with anything.

Thank you.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Morning, Carol. - Oh, hi, Bob. Where you been?

- I was looking at a house. - Bob, you're buying a new house?

Well, we werejust browsing.

Any phone calls or messages?

Yeah, uh, Mr, Wesley called-- that new patient referred by Mr. Carlin?

- Oh, yeah. - He's gonna be a little late.

Bob, don't think he's gonna be one of your quick cures.

Why do you say that?

Well, he's late because he can't figure out what color socks to wear.

Any-Any other calls?

Uh, Mrs. Wolf son from the Bull's-eye Real Estate Agency called...

five times.

Beats four of a kind.

You want me to get her for you?

Uh, no, no. I'm sure she'll deal me another one. Anything else?

Yeah, Bob. I'd like to talk to you for a minute.

- Sure. What about? - Uh, in private.

- Oh, one of those long, private minutes. - [ Mouths Words]

Okay. Come on.

Are you waiting for me to bark?

Oh, Bob. I'm sorry.

- Here. - [Chuckles]

Bob, this is really hard for me to do.

I've never been good at this, and I love working here...

and you're the only one I can talk to because you're the only one that can understand.

But I'm really embarrassed asking.

But it's gotten to the point where I've got no choice.

I just hate to ask. I mean, I know you've got a lot on your mind...

but, darn it, I've got to start thinking about myself here.

I've never done this before. Bob, I need a $10 raise.

- You got it. - I do?

How about 15?

No.

Oh, no. Ten's fine. Oh, I love 10.

Thank you, Bob. But see, I had to ask about the 15, because if I didn't...

I'd have spent the rest of my life wondering if the 15 would be as easy as the 1 O.

- Now-Now you know that it wouldn't. - Right.

[Phone Rings]

Oh-Oh, here. Oh, please, please let me get that for you.

I know it's just a small thing, but I'd really like to.

Hello? Oh,just a minute. Mrs. Wolf son.

Oh, uh, tell her I'm busy.

I'm sorry, Dr. Hartley is busy and can't be disturbed.

Just a minute, I'll ask him. What time can you call her?

Carol, for somebody whojust got a $10-a-week raise, you aren't, uh--

you aren't doing a good job of ducking phone calls.

Right. Dr. Hartley's in surgery. He'll call you the moment he gets out.

[Water Running]

Jerry, you got a minute to talk?

Oh, sure, Bob. just washing my hands.

You know I wash my hands on the average of 46 times a clay?

Even more ifl've had ribs for lunch.

- I remember one time I tried some new soap-- Jerry?

- Hmm? - No, no. Me talk, you listen.

Oh, yeah. Sure. Have a seat.

Okay, Bob. What should we talk about?

Well, I would love to talk about the Bulls and the Cubs andjack Nicklaus.

You know, fun things?

But I'm getting pressured into buying a house, and, uh, I don't know what to do.

That's simple. Tell Emily you're not going to buy the house because you don't like it.

Yeah, butjerry, I love the house.

Oh. Then tell Emily you're not going to buy the house because you love it.

Jerry, I-l love our apartment, you know?

I've finally gotten everything together.

You know, my work is working for me. The home is working for me.

I mean, everything is working for me, and I just don't wanna change it.

I mean, on the other hand, I know eventually we're gonna have to buy a house...

and it's, uh-- it's a great house.

I mean, look at me, and I haven't even seen a termite report yet.

Bob, I'm gonna offer you some basic: advice--

not as a dentist, but as your friend.

You're talking about a house here. Now, a house is big.

That's like, uh-- like a new chair.

See, you don't buy anything that big without giving it a lot of thought.

You take your time. Now, if you were meant to have that house, you'll have it.

If you're not, you won't. [Chuckles]

Houses can be on the market for months-- for years.

- I mean, the point is, Bob, you got to stay cool. - [ Knocking]

- Yeah? - HLJer.

- It's Emily. - Bob, why didn't you answer Mrs. Wolf son's calls?

Well, because I didn't wanna talk to her.

Emily, what-what are you doing here?

Well, the house. We have to make a decision on the house.

Emily, uh, a house is a big thing.

I mean, if-if-- if you're meant to have a house, you'll have a house.

If you're not meant to have a house, you-you won't have a house.

I mean, the main thing is that we-we've got time.

No, we don't. The other couple who looked at the house made an offer.

We've got to decide right now if we want that house or not.

Wow, an offer so fast. That must be a great house.

Oh, it is,jerry. You should see it. Beamed ceilings, huge rooms...

- a big stone fireplace-- - Gee, that sounds fantastic.

You know, houses like that do not stay on the market very long.

Bob, if you- if you like that house, you betterjust grab that house.

- Jerry, will you please stay cool? - Oh, yeah.

I mean, now how do we know if there is an offer on the house?

And how do we know what the owner is going to think of that offer?

I mean, how-how do we know any of those things?

Oh, because Mrs. Wolf son is right outside and she'll tell us.

Okay, Bob. Let me give you some basic advice.

Don't make your first offer too high because you can't come down.

- You can always come up on the counter, but don't make it too low-- -j erry. j erry.

One wife at a time. All right?

Excuse me.

Oh, uh, Dr. Hartley, I'm so sorry to bother you in the middle of surgery...

but if you don't come up with an offer higher than the other offer, you may lose your house.

All right. Now, how much is the other offer?

Oh, it's unethical for me to tell you that.

However, if you make an offer, I'll present it to the owner, and we'll be in the running.

Yeah. Oh, Bob, I met the owner, and he's really a nice guy. And, um, I think he likes us.

It's important to have the owner like you. That'll put you way ahead of the other couple.

Oops. Oh, so sorry.

Excuse me, Bob. Mr. Wesley, your new patient, is here, and, uh...

just so you'll be prepared- he looks really depressed, and he's not wearing any socks.

Good, Carol. I'll tell him what I went through here and it'll probably cheer him up.

[Whimpers]

[Whimpers]

Bob, I can't sleep with you making all that noise.

Emily, if I could sleep, I would sleep.

Why don't you go to sleep, and then we'll at least have half the bed asleep.

You're thinking about the house, aren't you?

[Whimpers]

Well, I hope you're not sorry we decided to bid on the house.

No, Emily. I'm not sorry.

You decided to bid on it.

Oh, no.

You're not gonna lay that off on me.

Now, we were both in your office when we both decided to make that offer.

You signed that deposit check.

Emily, after an hour with a man with no socks on, I would've signed anything.

That is so typical.

That is so--

You aren'tjust going to leave it at that, are you?

You hate change. You fight change. You resist change.

I do not resist change. I just like staying where I am.

Oh, Bob. Now, why are we doing this?

I mean, we're talking about something wonderful.

Something we're both gonna love. A house.

[Whimpers]

What is it that's bothering you?

Well, there are a lot of small things I have on my mind.

They'rejust small things, but, well, they're on my mind.

Like-- Like trash cans.

I mean, if we get that house...

one Saturday, I'm gonna have to go to a hardware store...

and I'm gonna have to buy a trash can.

Now, how am I gonna get the trash can into the trunk of our car?

Oh, Bob, I've thought of all the problems...

but the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.

Like, well, like a garden.

I mean, won't it be wonderful to just wake up in the morning...

and look out and see our own garden?

And who's gonna take care of that garden?

Bob. [ Kiss]

That's another thing I'll have to get at the hardware store.

A lawn mower and mulch.

I'll never be able to get the trash can in the trunk of our car...

unless I make two trips.

I could rent a trailer at the gas station.

Trailers are almost impossible to get on Saturdays.

[Whimpers]

So, I was very shy and self-conscious because I was so short.

My mom kept telling me I'd be six-feet tall like my dad.

Well, still waiting.

But, you are tall, Mr. Carlin.

Lifts. Without 'em I'd be shortjust like you.

Anyway, I fell in love with this real tall girl...

and that's when I bought my first pair of elevator shoes.

I can still remember the saleslady pretending they were a normal pair of shoes.

- It was really humiliating - [Yawning] Mm-hmm.

- You're bored with me. - No, I'm just tired.

You're tired of me. It's the same thing.

- I couldn't sleep last night. - That happens to me every night.

I think, uh-- I think now might be a good time to stop for today, Mr. Carlin.

Right, it is a good time to stop.

I'd hate to have you yawning through my only love affair.

I'll, uh-- I'll see you next Thursday.

- Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin. - Hi.

Oh, Bob, your real estate lady's been calling.

She says she has to see you tonight about the house, and she'll meet you anyplace.

Your apartment, your office, or what subway are you taking?

That probably means they've accepted the offer. I was afraid of that.

- Hey, you're buying a house? - Well, we have a bid in on one.

You should've said something. You know I'm in the land development business.

This is a house, not a swamp.

I know about all kinds of real estate.

- What neighborhood is your house in? - The, um, Marveiia district.

- Uh-oh. - What?

- Nothing. - What's wrong with the Marveiia district?

Well, I heard they're gonna put a new, uh, smelting plant in there.

- I can't believe that. - I can't either. It's probably just a rumor.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings] - I'll see you.

We, uh-- We have a very reputable real estate lady.

- I'm sure she would've told us. - Oh, she probably would've.

- Who is she? - Shirley Wolf son.

Uh-oh.

Well, listen, Bob. Don't listen to him.

You know what a downer he is. That's why he comes here.

And anyway, he said it was just a rumor, and you know how rumors are.

Do you know, for years they kept saying they were gonna build a hospital...

across the street from my apartment house?

And it turned out to be totally untrue. It was merely a clinic.

Thanks a lot, Carol. First Mr. Carlin, then you.

- The first thing you knowjerry will come out-- - Bob. Oh, good.

Glad I caught you. I just talked to my business manager. Here's what you gotta look out for.

Copper pipes. Don't let 'em slip off plastic pipes on you.

Oil and mineral rights. Bob, make sure you keep your oil and mineral rights.

Don't let 'em take that away from you. lfthere's a crawl space...

underneath the basement, take a flashlight, don some coveralls.

You wanna crawl under there “checking for seepage and dry rot.“

Now, check out the water heater.

If you don't have a 40-gallon tank, you're gonna have to put one in.

Check the electrical. If you don't have a 220 line, you're in big--

- Emily. - Hi, dear.

Honey, I don't have time for that right now.

We have to talk before Mrs. Wolf son, the real estate lady, gets here.

- Well, we can't. - Honey, we have to.

Uh, we can't 'cause we're not alone.

Well, what do you think, gals? I mean, it's a great apartment, isn't it?

I mean, it's close to where the action is. The shopping center. The airport.

My apartment. Oh, hi, Bob.

You-You're right, Emily. We're not alone.

Well, we'rejust finishing up. Excuse me.

If you divide the rent three ways it won't be bad at all.

I'll put in a good word with the manager.

- I won't tell him why you were thrown out of your last place. - We'll let you know, Howard.

Yeah. Bye. Bye.

Stewardesses. The blonde's first-class.

What's happening with your house? I mean, when do you move?

Well, they haven't officially accepted our offer, Howard.

Ah, well. They will. You know something, uh, I'm gonna miss you guys.

Yeah, I could see how broken up you were, Howard.

Well, I'd rather have you and Emily, but if I can't have you, I'd rather have them.

Well, um...

look, if you, uh, need any help moving, uh, be glad to help.

I mean, if you need any suitcases or boxes.

Uh, I mean, uh, don't worry about the mailman.

I'll just tell the mailman you don't live here anymore.

Don't worry about the mailman or the-- don't worry about the milkman...

or the paperboy.

I'll just tell everybody you don't live here anymore.

[Crying] I'm sorry, I--

- Oh, Howard. - I'm sorry. I think I'd better go.

[Crying]

- [ Door Closes] - Oh, Bob.

lam gonna miss that Howard so much.

Emily, um, I'm gonna miss everything about this apartment. Sit down.

L-I think we've made a terrible mistake.

I've been feeling it all afternoon.

I started to have your doubts this morning, so I went to take another look at the house.

Oh, good, honey. I'm glad you did that.

Now reassure me, e-everything is gonna be okay.

It needs paint... bad.

That was onjerry's list.

Check peeling paint around windowsills.

Emily, you didn't happen to put on some coveralls...

and crawl under the house to see if there was dry rot?

Oh, Bob, I think we've made a terrible mistake.

Emily, I-- I don't want that house...

more than anything in the world.

- Neither do I. - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

That's Mrs. Wolf son. She'll be all smiley...

and telling us how happy we're gonna be in our darling new house.

- Hello. - Honey, it's-it's Mrs. Wolf son...

and it looks like she has good news for us.

- Let me take your coat, Mrs. Wolf son. - Oh, thank you.

You know, I've been running all day today. My gosh, what a darling apartment.

- Thank you. - Yeah, we-we like it.

You know, I thinkl have somebody that might be interested in this.

- Good. - Well, let me tell you about your house.

The owner's just delighted that you bid on it because he really likes you.

He knows you have taste and integrity...

and you'rejust exactly the kind of people he would like to see get the house.

- Uh-huh. - So, I presented your offer to him.

- Unfortunately, he turned it down. - [ Laughs]

- Areyou all right? -[Continues Laughing]

I'm just-- I'm just very disappointed. [Laughs]

Emily, they've, uh-- they've turned down the offer on the house.

- [ Both Laughing] - Really?

See, my, uh-- my wife is just-just as disappointed as I am.

Well, maybe you'll feel better in the morning.

L-I doubt it.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

- Good morning. - Hey, Bob.

Hey, Bob. Hey, you look really happy. You must've gotten your new house.

No, we lost it, and we couldn't be happier.

[Chuckles] See, Bob?just like I told you.

You didn't want that house. You bid low. You lost it. Now you're happy.

Worked out perfect.

- [ Phone Rings] - Doctor's office.

Just a minute. Bob, it's Mrs. Wolf son.

Doyou wanna talk or shall I tell heryou're in surgery?

No, I'll talk to her.

H-Hello? Hello, Mrs. Wolf son.

Yeah, you were right. We feel much better this morning.

You have another house.

More darling than the other one.

No, I don't think my wife and I will be in the market for a house...

oh, for-for two or three years.

No. I wouldn't want to make an appointment that far in advance.

I don't know what train I'll be taking home tonight, no.

Mrs. Wolf son--

Well, thank you. Mrs-Mrs. Wolf--

Uh, Mrs. Wolf son, I'm sorry, but l-l'vejust been called into surgery.

[ Mews]