Original subtitles

- [Thunder] - Honey, I think this coffeepofs broken.

It's not broken. It's gurgling, isn't it?

I know, it keeps gurgling and gurgling. Is it supposed to gurgle that much?

It gurgles like that every morning.

What flavorjellyjump-Up do you want?

Do I have to have something thatjumps up?

Couldn't I just have something that lays there...

like eggs or bacon?

- You don't have time for that. - I don't have time for something thatjumps up.

Honey, if this thing ever stops gurgling, call me at the office, will ya?

Bob, what's bothering you this morning?

Nothing. It's just that everything--

Nothing.

Honey, where's my umbrella?

I left it at the office.

I suppose with everything else that's not bothering you, that's not bothering you too, right?

Right. Well, I can help you with that.

Why don't you borrow my umbrella?

Honey, this--

This isn't an umbrella for a man. It's an umbrella for a nose.

Bob, it's bad luck to open it in the house.

It'd be worse luck to open that on the street.

Dr. Hartley, l-l've never felt this low in my entire life.

I know what you mean by that.

And I have no one but myself to blame.

I should never have gone to my old high school reunion.

Everyone there seemed so much younger than me.

Even my old teachers seemed younger than me.

And everyone there had so much more...

hair than I have.

Mr. Carlin, you have a full head of hair.

Yeah, it's really a good one, isn't it?

- You mean it's a-- - Toup. Yeah.

But don't tell anybody I wear a toup. I can't stand for people to know it.

Once people find out you wear one, they-- they never look at your eyes.

They, uh,just kind of stare at your hairline.

Like you're doing right now.

[Clears Throat] Sorry, Mr. Carlin.

It-- It is a good one though.

- You really think so? - Yes.

I don't believe you.

Don't worry, Mr. Carlin. Things are bound to get better, right?

Oh, Mr. Carlin, good. While you're here, I'll just save a stamp.

Here's your bill.

L-I wouldn't look at that today.

- Have a nice day. - Nobody's gonna have a nice day out there today.

I never saw rain like that.

I know it's gonna shrink.

Carol, do I have any more appointments today?

Well, Miss McGinn called. She wanted to come over and talk for a while.

Call her and make it tomorrow.

It's not that serious anyway. She's an actress...

and she found out shejust has three weeks to live.

- Huh? - No, no. She's an actress on a soap opera...

and she's had three weeks to live for the past two years.

Ooh. I guess that's why she sounded so upset.

She said she got fired today.

- Oh, no. - Yeah.

That means she's dead.

Yeah, you better have her come in. But first, I better seejerry.

And listen, Bob, tell that actress not to worry...

because I saw this soap opera one time where this one lady died your tragic death...

and she came back the very next week as her twin nun.

- [Knocking] - Come on in, Billy.

You're not Billy. You're Bob.

You wanna see something fantastic?

They're a kid's teeth.

Well, yeah, but it's the way I took them.

I mean, notice the composition, the contrast, the mood.

They're real niceJerry, but I got a million things on my mind.

You know when I get feeling that way, there's only one thing that really relaxes me.

Get in the chair, Bob.

You're not gonna clean my teeth.

No, no, we're not gonna clean your teeth.

Nowjust hop up there and relax. Put your little feet up there.

That-a-boy.

Now, I'm gonna put you in a comfortable position...

and the secret is to relax.

Just let the chair do all the work.

Yeah, this is niceJerry.

I don't know. All week, my head's been full, you know.

LerryJen-y!

So, what's bothering you, Bob?

Jerry, all day long, you know, I sit in my office...

and people come in and they tell me their problems.

And I don't mind that 'cause it's my job, you know, but--

Then I go home and I ask Emily how her day was...

and then she tells me her problems.

I mean, I have no time to myself, you know.

No way to release myself, you know.

I mean, the only time I'm relaxed is when I'm alone here with you.

Gee, that's kinda nice. Thank you, Bob.

I mean, I should take the advice that I give my patients.

You know, they should just get all by themselves alone and depressurize.

Well, look, Bob, whenever you wanna be alone, have some peace and freedom...

just come on in here and relax.

I won't bother you. just pretend I'm not even here.

I'll just be working quietly.

[Drill Whirring]

- Hi. - Hi, Margaret.

That smells good. I hate to bother you with this petition...

-just when you're fixing dinner, but the manager is downstairs, - Oh.

And I want him to know he's not getting away with this.

Margaret, I just want you to know that we here in this apartment...

rest easier at night knowing that we have you as our godfather.

- Hi, honey. Hello, Margaret. - Hz; sweetheart.

Hi, Bob. Perfect timing. Here, sign this petition, will you?

- Here. - What is it?

Uh, the manager keeps forgetting about that huge puddle at the entrance to the garage.

Every time a car drives through it, it drenches anyone who's walking near there.

Well, I think he'll fix it without the petition...

because the manager was walking near here when I drove in.

Got him and his wife too.

Thanks, Bob.

Anytime, Margaret.

Honey, guess what I fixed for dinner tonight?

- Um, bacon-- [ Sniffing] and eggs. - Right.

In honor of “let's forget about this morning,“ okay?

Honey, I wanted to talk to you about this morning...

and the reason why this morning happened.

Uh--

Do you remember those old movies withjon Hall...

- Oh. - when he was a deep-sea diver?

- Yeah. - And his partner was Gilbert Roland?

And Gilbert Roland always used to screw on this great big steel helmet...

onjon Hall's headjust before he would go to the bottom.

Yeah, and then Gilbert Roland cuts off his air.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, honey, the last couple days...

I felt like I've had a big steel helmet over my head...

and I would like somebody to unscrew it.

What I'm trying to say, it would help a lot...

if I could just spend some time alone.

Oh, sure, Bob. That's a good idea.

I mean, no talking or anything. just alone.

Well, we could start right now. I mean, I have some papers to grade...

- and I won't bother you at all. - Great.

So, what are you gonna do?

Honey, one of the reasons I wanna be alone is so I won't have to explain everything.

Oh, oh, you're right. I'm sorry, Bob.

[Bob] Actually, I was gonna finish reading a book.

Oh, good. What-- [Makes Popping Sound]

[Phone Ringing]

Oh, I'll get it. Hello?

Oh, hi. How are you?

Yeah, he's here, Hold on a minute.

- Who is it? - It's your mother.

Great.

Hi, Mom. How was Springfield?

Oh, great.

Yeah, I looked in on Muffin every day.

The fresh water and the two handfuls of the kibbled, uh--

Well, Mom, I put the paper down. The rest is pretty much up to Muffin, you know?

Mom, I didn't know you could overvvater a fern.

Root rot.

Mom, I'm right in the middle of something here. Could I call you tomorrow?

Right. Bye, Mom.

Well, I think I've had about enough of being alone in the living room.

I think I'll try being alone in the den.

- Sure, Bob. - [ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Honey, unless that's really important, I'm not home.

- Oh, hi, Howard. - Hi, Emily. ls Bob home?

- No. - Oh.

Well, I mean, he is, but he's busy.

- Is he taking a shower? - No, not exactly.

Is he, uh-- Oh, yeah. I understand.

No, Howard, I don't thinkyou do.

Uh, well, just tell him not to worry. My insurance will cover everything.

Howard, what does that mean?

Well, it was just a scratch. Well, maybe a little more than a scratch.

Uh, I was pulling into the stall next to your car, and, uh...

my car, uh-- totaled.

I don't know why they put those stalls so close together with just a skinny pillar in between.

Well, there was a pillar, but--

Howard, you wanna tell me about it?

Oh, well, uh, uh--

Well, uh, here's my insurance agent's card.

Look, uh, when you call him, don't get impatient.

You have to let the phone ring a real long time.

- I think we'd better look at it, Howard. - Yeah, that's a good idea.

With the two of us, we can probably pull your fender away from my tire.

On second thought, Howard, why don't you go alone.

I don't thinkl could handle that right now.

Just don't worry about a thing. I'll, uh-- hope the manager has a crowbar.

- Emily, could I talk to you about something? -Sure.

It has nothing to do with Howard creaming my car...

or the coffeepot gurgling or any other gurgling.

Now, um, we've been married three years...

and we've spent every day of those three years together.

And it's been great.

But I think it would be healthy for our marriage and for my head...

if I just took a breather.

You know, like a retreat for a few days.

And it'd be good for you. I'll find a nice quiet hotel.

And it'll be good for both of us.

Sure, Bob, ifit means that much to you. I mean, whatevefs right.

Great, honey. I'll leave tomorrow, and I'll be back Sunday.

Oh, you can't do that. You have to be back Friday for the dinner with the Seldins.

But that only leaves me two days alone...

and I don't like the Seldins.

Just cancel the Seldins.

Well, I can't do that, because we canceled them once already...

and then they canceled the Bettmans to be with us Friday.

Emily, the steel helmet, you know what I mean?

I feel like Gilbert Roland is cutting off my air.

I've gotta find something to cheer me up.

I think I'll go look at my car.

Well, this is, uh, this is it.

I guess I won't be seeing you for about five days.

If anything important happens, call me, but only if it's something important.

Now don't worry. I'm gonna give you five bona fide days of absolute aloneness.

And you'd better enjoy it, 'cause it's gonna have to last you a long time.

So, what are you gonna do?

Oh, I don't know. I thought I'd take off my wedding band and go to a singles' bar.

- Okay. - All right.

Oh, hey, Bob. Oh, where're you kids going, a vacation?

- Uh, no. - A long weekend, huh?

- No, Howard. - I'm just taking offfor a while, Howard.

- I wanna be alone. - [ust for a couple of days.

Emily, Bob, I want you to know that no matter what happens...

I-I wanna stay friends with both of you.

Hi, Bob. Well, what are you gonna do on your first night of being alone?

First I have to find a place to stay, then I think I'll just spend it by myself.

Great. I was gonna do the same thing. You wanna do it together?

- No,jerry. Maybe later in the week. - Uh-huh.

But I really ought to know which night.

You see, I'm gonna be busy on Thursday night, but any other night is good.

Unless Thursday's the only night that's good for you, and then I could switch my handball game.

SeeJerry, that's why I wanna get off by myself. We'll just wing it, okay?

- Okay. - I have to find a hotel room right now.

Hotel? Who needs a hotel?

- He does. - Got some great little hotels in here.

- You keep hotels in your address book? - Well, I'm a doctonjerry.

My answering service always has to know where I am.

Uh, here's one on the South Side.

The, uh, the Outrigger. Tahitian motif.

Every room's got a bathtub shaped like a giant clam shell.

I don't thinkl could relax in a giant clam shell.

Well, how about the Royal Lantern on Northmont?

Real popular with doctors. Can't get near the place on Wednesdays.

Is it quiet at night?

Night? I don't know anyone who's ever stayed there at night.

- Oh, Bob. Oh, Bob, I'm glad I caught you in. - What's the matter, Howard?

It's been bothering me all clay about you and Emily splitting up.

It was my car accident that brought things to a head, wasn't it?

Howard, someday I'll explain it all to you.

- Bob, you and Emily are finished? And you didn't tell me. -And it was all my fault.

Oh, well, if you're separated, you gotta go to the El Morocco.

They got water beds.

Oh, no.

Well, this is your room. Nice, huh?

That's your TV set over there, and your bathroom's right through those doors over there.

- Where you from, Dr. Hartley? - I'm from Chicago. Here.

Then I guess you're clone with this. I'll just stick it in the closet out of your way.

No, no, my clothes are in there.

Oh, sure.

Well, I guess that's about it.

Thank you, Doctor. Oh, listen, your ice machine's down your hail on your left.

And, uh, your Do Not Disturb sign...

in case you, uh, you know.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Howard.

No, I'm okay, Howard. I'm not lonely.

Howard, how'd you find out what hotel I was staying at?

You just started looking in the telephone book.

It is lucky the Aberdeen Hotel begins with an

Howard, Emily and I are not getting a divorce.

Well, I'm glad to hear she's not playing around, Howard.

Good-bye, Howard.

Hello, Desk?

Yeah, this is Dr. Robert Hartley.

Yeah, uh, would you please hold all my calls? Except for my wife?

And my service.

And, uh, any of my patients.

And my secretary.

Lust send all my calls through, will ya?

I don't know.

Maybe sex education does have a place in the fifth-grade curriculum.

I mean, a lot of other schools are teaching it...

and this book certainly does a good job, but I don't know.

I just hate to have people say we're not with it, you know?

Mrs. Prince, I personally don't care whether you're with it or without it.

The point is, do you want to take the responsibility of teaching sex to children?

I certainly don't want to. Do you, Mrs. Prince?

Uh, excuse me. I don't know how you all can just sit here and listen to that man.

I think it's fine...

to teach history and math to fifth graders...

but unless they learn about sex, there isn't going to be any more history.

This book explains the facts of life to kids better than any book any of us have ever seen.

It's beautifully written, and it's tastefully presented...

and it's wonderfully and innocently sensitive.

And what about the frank illustrations?

Mr. Warner, you say that like this book is full of dirty pictures.

I mean, a chicken inside ofan egg is not exactly a dirty picture.

What about the sheep and the goat?

[Mouths Words]

I guarantee you- if that book goes home with our fifth graders...

it's liable to come back with a lot of outraged parents.

And I think it's just as liable to come back with a lot of letters of praise.

Mr. Warner, I'd like to give my opinion of the book.

I loved it. It was so beautiful, I wish I could start all over again.

Well... let's vote.

You can vote all you want, Mrs. Hartley, but, um...

I'vejust noticed we don't have a quorum, so it won't count.

Well, we will have one next week, and then it will count.

[Women] Right.

Well, there's more coffee and refreshments on the table.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Well, on behalf of myself and my two kids...

who I think already know anyway, thanks.

Oh, Margaret, look, I'm still shaking, but I feel so good.

I usually don't even go to these meetings when Bob's home...

but I'm sure glad I came to this one.

- When's Bob getting home? - Tomorrow.

Oh, it has been a long week.

Well, here, maybe you oughta keep this.

In case he's forgotten something.

[Door Unlocking]

- Bob! Oh, Bob! - Hi, honey.

Oh, oh, oh, it's so light.

Oh, I forgot.

- Now, where were we? - Oh, Bob.

Well, tell me, how was your week?

Honey, I-l really missed you.

Oh, I missed you too. How was it?

Well, honey, I-l wouldn't wanna bring you down by telling you.

Oh, that's okay. Tell me.

Well, I wouldn't want you to feel bad.

I won't. Tell me.

It was great.

Honey, Thursday I went to see three movies, one after the other.

And I didn't get a headache like my mother always told me I would, you know?

I did one thing I've always wanted to do.

- What? - Nothing.

I didn't do anything. Absolutely nothing.

- How'd you do? - Oh,just terrific.

- Well, that's great. - Yeah, I-l goofed off and I read.

And I called some old friends I haven't seen in a long time.

And, oh, Bob, I really said what I felt at a teachers' meeting.

And I wrote a poem.

You're kidding. Let me see it.

- No, you don't wanna see it. - Yeah, I wanna see it.

No.

It's over there.

- [Chuckles] - What?

Oh, the word “'twas“ always breaks me up.

- What? Wait-- - '“Twould.“

Oh.

Honey, that's beautiful. In fact.

Uh, maybe I'd better go unplug the coffee, huh?

Yeah, and I'll go in the bedroom and unpack.

Yeah, I'll be there in a minute to help.

Doorbell Buzzes 1

- Oh, hi, Howard. - Oh, hi, Emily.

I just wanted to see how you were doing.

- Who is it, honey? - God, I hope that's Bob.

Here's one from the hospital. A Ms. Tyler called.

And here's one from an Olga something or other.

I didn't catch her last name. And that's it.

Okay, get me Olga first, uh, then Ms. Tyler.

- What about the hospital? - Oh, yeah, get the hospital too.

- [ Elevator Bell Dings] - Oh, hi, Fred.

Oh, hi, Bob. Hey, how'd you like it at the Aberdeen?

It was great. Very comfortable, the food was good. I had a terrific time.

Say, why don't we go over to the Aberdeen bar tonight after work...

and, uh, have a couple of laughs-- you know what I mean?

Gee, I'm back home with the wife.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[ Mews]