All language subtitles for The Bob Newhart Show s01e10 - Anything Happen While I Gone

- [ Rings]
- Hello?

Oh, Bob, I can't believe
we're finally home.

Four hours to fly
from Mexico City to Chicago...

and two hours to drive
from the airport to the house.

You forgot the 3 hours it took me to get you
from the insurance counter and onto the plane.

I can't help it. I'll always be afraid of flying.
I'm just glad we made it.

- So was the Mexican insurance company.
- Oh.

- Hi!
- Oh, hi, Howard! Oh, I missed you!

- I missed you too.
- Thank you for collecting the mail.

Bob, how are ya?
Wow, it's great to see you. How was Mexico?

It was just great. We went on all the tours,
went to the best restaurants.

- We did everything there was to do in Mexico.
- Did you get sick?

- No.
- Well, then you did almost everything.

Anything exciting
happen here, Howie?

No, everything was pretty dull,
except for the fire.

Fire?

Nobody got hurt, but the whole top floor--
whew-- totaled.

Well, look, good seeing you, Bob.

- Good seeing you too, Howard.
- Oh, one thing.

When you get on the elevator, don't press
the 10th floor. You mightjust keep on going.

Okay, Mrs. Snyder, yes.
I'll have Doctor call you. Right. Bye.

- Well, I'm home.
- Bob, welcome home!

Welcome back.
Now tell me all about your trip.

- Well, where do I--
- [ Phone Ringing]

Doctor's office.
Oh, Mr. Walters.

Listen, Dr. Tupperman wondered
if you'd mind coming in again.

It seems the laboratory
misplaced your, uh, sample.

No, I don't think it would be
a very good idea to mail it in.

Well, good luck, Mr. Walters.

Bob, I tell you-- this place has been
a madhouse ever since you left.

Now I'm dying to know
all about your trip.

- Well, we took a lot of pictures.
- I'd love to see 'em.

- Here's one of Emily at the Hanging Gardens.
- Oh.

[Ringing]

Doctor's offi ce.

Oh. Hi,Alan.

Oh, nothing much.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, Alan,
I'm dying to hear all about it.

But I have to get back
to work right now.

- Bye.
- Here's one of Emily and I.

Bob! Welcome back!

- ThankyouJerry. - Tell me all about
Mexico. It must have been fantastic.

- I was just showing Carol this picture--
- [ Ringing]

I was just showing you this picture
of Emily in front of the Hanging Gardens.

Bob, excuse me.
This is a business call.

- Is it for me?
- No, it's for me, and it's kind of hard to hear.

That's it.

I've had it.

Nothing. it's just one of our psychologists.
You know how cranky they can get.

Boy, have I missed
talking with you.

- Jerry, Mexico was--
- Before you get into that...

one thing happened while you were gone
I wanna tell you.

- What?
- I'm engaged.

- Engaged to be married?
- Yeah. Isn't that fantastic?

- I thought you were gonna break it off with Gail.
- I was going to.

But that doesn't matter because
I'm not engaged to Gail.

But thanks for reminding me, 'cause now
I really have to break it off with her.

Well, who is it?
Do I know her?

I don't think so. I didn't know her myself
until nine and a half days ago.

- Tell me about her.
- Well, she rents my chair.

- She cleans teeth in it.
- Oh.

She's an oral hygienist.
Bob, you'rejust gonna love her.

I mean, she's dependable, well-organized--
she's got all her own instruments.

She certainly sounds well-equipped.

Oh, that too!

- Excuse meJerry.
- [Whispering] That's her.

You better get back to your office.
Your impression compound is hardening.

Hear that, Bob?
Isn't that fantastic?

I mean, a lot of girls can say,
“Your impression compound is hardening”...

but how many of them look that great
while they're saying it.

You two get to know each other.
I'll be right back.

- You must be Bob Hartley.
- Yes.

And you, uh-- [Clears Throat]
you rentjerrys chair.

That's right.

You know,jerry'sjust told me
so much about you, Bob.

Well, he hasn't told me enough about you.
He never told me your name.

Oh, it's Cynthia.
Cynthia Fremont.

And if you ever forget, you can
just take a little peek right there.

[Clears Throat]
Well, I'm sure I won't forget.

Well, what do you think,
you two?

Huh? Aren't you both fantastic?

Excuse me,)erry.
Jennifer Winters has to cancel today.

So how about ifshe comes in
Wednesday at 4:00?

No, no, that won't work.jerry's going to start
taking Wednesday afternoons off.

Well, how about
Thursday at 4:OO,jerry?

Mm-mmmjerrys at the free clinic
Thursday at 4:00.

WelLJerry, how about
Friday at 4:00?

No, Friday at 4:00
Jerry's fitting a headgear.

Why don't you make it
Tuesday at 4:00?

WhyJerry, I thought you played handball
at the “Y“ Tuesday at 4:00.

Nope. I don't need
handball anymore.

Make it Tuesday at 4:00.

Thank you.

Well, it was awfully nice
meeting you, Bob.

I have to go now and clean
my instruments. Bye-bye.

And she's so clean, Bob.

Before she even works on a patient, she washes
her hands all the way up to the elbow.

That's a very important trait
in a person-- clean elbows.

- Well, I gotta go, Bob.
- Oh,jerry.

- Yeah, Bob? - We have a lot of catching
up to do. Why don't we have lunch?

- Gee, I don't know. I better check.
- Check?

- Cynthia doesn't like to eat alone.
- Have herjoin us.

She might not feel like it. I'll check
with her and get back to you later.

Oh,jerry, tomorrow night we're showing
slides of Mexico. Can you make it?

Sounds great. I'll check with Cynthia.
Can I have the key to the men's room?

- Oh, sure.
- Thank you.

I'm surprised he didn't have
to check with Cynthia on that.

He usually does.

This is a very primitive village
that Emily and I visited.

It's primitive all right.
Look how old the Cadillacs are.

Oh, this is a picture
I took of Bob by a big waterfall.

Emily, where's Bob?

From where I was standing, I had to decide
between Bob and the waterfall.

You made the right choice.
You can get Bob anytime.

Oh, there it is.
This is the University of Mexico.

- Great shot.
- OhJerry, we'vejust got to go to Mexico.

Just look at that beautiful mural.

The whole building's a mosaic.

It's the greatest shot yet--
the color, the focus. How'd you do it?

I bought it at a drugstore.

Good.

Oh, this is a shot of Emily and I
in front of the Aztec god of fertility.

Is he single?

Nice shot, Bob.
Who took that?

One of those local friendly guys
that hangs around.

I showed him how
to use the camera.

And this is a shot of the nice policeman
that helped me get the camera back.

And that's it.
Somebody wanna get the lights?

I'll get 'em. I'll get 'em.

Uh, can somebody turn on alight
sol can find the lights?

[Emily]
Howard, I'll get it.

At least I got the right wall.

- I'll get us some more dip.
- Bob, the slides werejust wonderful.

Thank you. Thank you. And as a reward
for your unsolicited compliments...

I'm gonna serve you
my very best brandy.

- Oh, great.
Jerry, youfirejust got to take some time out...

so we can get to Mexico.

It's really hard to get away
with my schedule so busy.

But, sweetheart, you'vejust got to take the time.
He never takes time for himself.

He works so hard,
he never even takes a vacation.

I can't even remember
the last vacation Arthur and I had.

Yes, I can. It was when the kids
went to camp, and we stayed home.

Jerry, we really have to be going.
You have an 8:00 appointment in the morning.

Bob's getting the brandy.
Let's just stay a little longer.

Sweetheart, you know
how you need your eight hours.

Whenjerry doesn't get his eight hours,
he'sjust an old grump.

That's funny. When I get my eight hours,
I'm just an old grump.

Really?

Can't we just stay
for one little nightcap?

- All right, but a short one.
- [Bob] Well, here it is.

This isn't your average brandy.
This is French cognac.

This is the kind that Napoleon used
to serve his generals.

Very rare, very expensive,
but it's worth it.

I can get that stuff
at the Dublin airport.

Duty-free.
Two bucks for a whole quart.

Thanks, Howard.

It's okay.

[Exhales Sharply]
Great nightcap, Bob.

Cynthia's right.
I really need my eight hours.

You see, Emily--
I knowjerry better than he knows himself.

I'll show you where
your coats are, Cynthia.

Bob, could I talk
to you a second?

- Sure. Howard, do you wanna do the honors?
- Sure.

Bob, you better get
out the old tuxedo.

I don't have an old tuxedo.

Then you better get out the old rented tuxedo
because Cynthia and I set the date.

- Oh. When is it?
- Sunday. Isn't that fantastic?

- It's fantastic. It's fantastically fast.
- Yeah, isn't it?

Is this your choiceJerry?

What are you suggesting, Bob?
Of course it's my choice.

Jerry, sit down.

Sometimes, you know,
some beautiful women...

well, they have a way of making youjump
without really realizing it.

Bob, I know what you're saying.

And I appreciate your saying it.
But do I look like...

the kind of a man who would get involved with
a woman who'd make mejump through a hoop?

- [er/y let'; go.
- Right, honey.

- Good nightjerry.
- Good night.

Good night.

- Good night, Carol.
- Good night, Margaret.

- Good night.
- Listen, thank you, Emily.

And anytime you want, come over to my place,
I'll show you my vacation slides.

I have some
breathtaking shots...

of romantic, spectacular
Davenport, Iowa.

Out.

Oh, it's nice having people over...

but it's even nicer
when they leave.

Hi, Howard.

It's a real break living across the hall.
You can stay longer.

Well, I guess that's long enough.
Nice party.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Well, that was a nice get-together,
wasn't it, Bob?

- Yeah.
- Bob, what's the matter?

Oh, no, I was just thinking
about poorjerry.

- Poor w“? H
- UM sag “mm EH'; *-?

- Yeah.
- I wonder why I said that.

You know what
he told me tonight?

- He's gonna marry Cynthia.
- I thought you said they just met.

They did. Ten and a half--
eleven days ago now.

At the rate they're going now, they're gonna
have three kids by the end of the week.

What do you, uh--
What do you think of Cynthia?

Well, it's pretty obvious. She's very nice,
very pretty and very sure of herself.

- Why? What do you think?
- I think she's a back buster.

A what?

- A what?
- A back buster.

Somebody who stays
on a guy's back until she busts it.

Bob, how can you say
a thing like that?

Emily, I've had a lot of experience
in this area.

I mean, this is my field.

I mean, it's not healthy for a relationship
between a man and a woman...

for the woman to be
stronger than the man.

I mean, there are few instances where a man
wants a woman as strong-- as strong as he is.

B e And this happens
to be one of them.

Can you help me with this?

[Voice Deepens]
Sure, sweetheart.

Carol. Carol, would you make
reservations for dinner...

at the Fireplace Room,
7:00 tonight for two?

- Sure.
- And make sure we get a booth, not a table.

- That's important, so don't forget.
- Right.

A booth next to the fireplace.

Any special type logs
you'd like burning in the fireplace?

Bob! Oh, Bob.
I just wanted to tell you what a great time...

Jerry and I had
at your house last night.

Did anyone else
feel sick this morning?

Hmm?

Whenjerry came into work this morning,
he said he felt a little sick.

And I thought it may have been the clip.
It did look a little green.

Well, it was avocado dip.

Yes, I know, but I thought it maybe
looked a little too green, you know?

Maybe you should have
Emily check it out.

I doubt ifit was the dip.
It's the same kind she always buys.

It could have been a bad batch. You never
can be too careful about things like that.

Right. I'll call Emily and have her
throw out whatever was leftover.

I think that's very wise.
Thank you. See you later.

Bob, listen, I overheard
the green part of that conversation.

I had that dip last night, and the only thing
wrong with it was I couldn't stop eating it.

- It was delicious.
- It was, wasn't it?

- Yeah.
- And you feel all right this morning?

Except for the fact that I got
eight hours' sleep, I feel fine.

- Good morning, Bob.
- HLJerry. How do you feel?

- Lousy.
- You think it was the dip last night at the party?

What dip? It was the Bulls.
They blew a 10-point lead. I'm sick about it.

- Can I see you a minute?
-Yeah.

Just sit down there
a minute, Bob.

Now, I wanna talk to you
about best man at my wedding.

- Oh.
- Now, Bob, there'; no zfiscussion.

You're my best friend.
I've known you longer than--

well, than anyone else
I can think of.

The best man at my wedding
is gonna be Bernie Tupperman.

- Who?
- Tupperman.

You see, Bob, while you were in Mexico,
Tupperman introduced me to Cynthia.

And, well, you know the rest.
Anyway...

Cynthia suggested Tupperman
because she felt it would be good luck.

You know how women are
about weddings.

How-How do you feeLjerry? I mean,
how do you feel about Tupperman being best man?

He's not a bad guy.

Certainly is one
of your top urologists.

Was this your choiceJerry?

Oh. Oh, Bob.

I know. Your feelings are hurt
because I didn't askyou to be best man.

But I've got a job for you that's
much more important than best man.

- Jerry, it isn't that.
- Oh, Bob, I mean it.

I wouldn't even trust
this job to Tupperman.

- What is it?
- I'd really be honored, Bob, if you'd do it for me.

- What is it?
- Head usher.

Head usher?

Maybe you don't understand
how important thejob of head usher is.

I mean, you've gotta make sure
that all the guests are greeted properly...

and that nobody's offended...

and that everybody's
in a real straight line.

Jerry, I'll be proud and happy to be
your head usher, but you don't have to sell me.

- It isn't that big a deal.
- It is a big deal, Bob.

I fought like mad
to get you that job.

Cynthia wanted her brother.

Emily, you wanna hurry up.
The guys are gonna be here any minute.

All right, I'm leaving.

Is it such a crime
ifone of them sees me?

Honey, the big attraction of
a bachelor stag party is there are no women.

I understand. You guys wanna be free
to swear and spit a lot.

- Honey, where are the chips?
- In the kitchen next to the dip.

Poker chips.

Oh. They're right in--
I thinktheyre in here.

Yeah, here they are.

You know, this romance thing
ofjerry's is going much too fast.

If there's one thing I'm not prepared
for tonight, it's to throw a stag party forjerry.

- Then Why'd you volunteer?
- I didn't volunteer.

Thejob automatically became mine when the
best man had to perform a gallbladder operation.

- Oh.
- I think I got everything.

I got the chips, the cards, the ice,
the food, the liquor.

- There's only thing left I have to get.
- What's that?

- You out of here.
- [ Mock Chuckle]

You sure you don't want me
to stick around and help?

I could come out of the cake.
[Laughing]

I'm leaving!

- [ Phone Ringing] - That'll be
Margaret wondering what happened to me.

- I'll tell her where you are.
- Okay.

Hello?

Oh, hLJerry.
Where are you?

You're not coming here?

Jerry, it's my duty
as head usher to inform you...

that this bachelor party
is being thrown for you.

Off?

The wedding is off.
Jerry, where are you calling from?

A bridge?

You're working on a bridge
in your office.

Jerry, you gonna be there
for a while?

I was gonna be in the neighborhood
in, oh, 27 minutes.

I thought I'd--
I thought I'djust drop by.

All right, good-bye.
This whole thing is going too fast.

- Well, what happened?
- The Wedding's off.

I don't know why,
but I'm gonna find out.

- Uh-oh.
- What's the matter?

Emily, in about three minutes,
2O guys are gonna pour in here...

prepared to drink and play poker
and open funny gifts.

Oh, I understand.
You want me--

Take off your coat and be prepared
to spit and swear a lot.

- Jerry, are you all right?
- Yeah.

I was just lying here thinking.

- Mind if I join you?
- Not at all. Pull up a stool.

Can I get you a drink?

Of course, all I have is mouthwash.

No, I don't think so.

_ 50..
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think that's enough small-talkjerry.
What the heck happened?

Bob, Sunday I'm marrying
a girl I hardly know.

Now that's not good, is it, Bob?

So I'm not marrying her this Sunday.
The Wedding's postponed.

- Till when?
- Way, way in the future.

- Jerry, way, way in the future
for you could be Tuesday. - No.

No, Bob. I really mean it.

You were right.
She's a very strong woman.

She was pushing me into a decision
that just wasn't mine.

But no more. I'm not marrying
her until I'm ready, and that's it.

What'd she say
when you told her?

I don't know.
I'm scared to tell her.

Jerry, sooner or later
you have to tell her.

I mean, how're you gonna stand up to a woman
while you're lying down in a chair?

You're right, Bob.
You're absolutely right.

I just gotta be a man
and tell her face-to-face.

I'll call her
on the phone right now.

- Jerry, I'll leave.
- Oh, no! I mean, no.

You just-- You just stay.

What better time than this to have
a psychologist in the same room with you?

[Tapping Keypad

Hello, honey?
Hi. What are you doing? Oh.

Not good, Bob.
She's shortening the wedding dress.

You better tell henjerry,
before it gets too short.

Right. Hello, honey?

Uh, why don't you stop
shortening your wedding dress?

Now, before you say anything,
let mejust explain one thing to you.

The wedding is off. No, no, no, no, no.
Now what I mean by that...

is that lately I've been getting
these really strong feelings of indecision.

So why don't we just
slow this whole thing down?

I mean, really just get
to know each other.

And then when I come to the same decision
that you've come to, then we'll get married.

So no one will feel like
they're being pushed, okay, honey?

That'll be fine with me too, honey.
Good. Good-bye.

Oh, I feel better.

See, the classic domineering woman really
wants a man to be stronger than she is.

- Yeah.
- What'd she say?

She said if we weren't married by Sunday,
she never wanted to see me again.

Oh.

Well, the whole thing's off for good now, Bob.
She's even canceling the lease on my chair.

- I feel bad for you,jerry.
- Well, you should feel good.

'Cause that's the way
I'm feeling-- good.

Boy, this was a great experience, Bob.
I learned a lot...

like, uh, I never knew the size
of my ring finger before.

I'm a nine, Bob.

I'm a six and a half.

That's okay.
Look how happily married you are.

So, what are--
what are you gonna do,jerry?

I'm just gonna sit here
and slow down.

Boy, Bob--
Do you realize what she made me do to you?

I mean,just between
you and me...

being usher is not
such a hotjob.

Head usher.

I guess I can tell you now.
There was only gonna be the one usher.

Jerry, uh, head usher or best man
or friend, I mean, that isn't important.

What's important is that you're happy, and
you're doing what you want with your life.

Thanks, Bob.
I guess I'll get out of my chair now.

Why don't we go to your party
and we'll have some laughs?

Oh, gee, I really don't feel like laughing
at funny gifts right now, Bob.

No, neither do I.
We'll have a drink.

I'll call Emily and tell her
to let the boys go home.

They're probably all sitting
around depressed and waiting for you.

Honey. Yeah, the wedding is off.
Jerry's fine...

and we're gonna go out
and have a drink.

I imagine the guys
are kind of depressed, huh?

Honey, can you speak up?
I can't hearyou over the loud laughing.

Honey, I don't wanna hear
about the funny gifts.

I'll see ya later.
Let's have that drinlgjer.

- What did she say, Bob?
- She said she's glad you're fine...

and she's working on
an inside straight.

Hi, honey.

H I, Bob. How's j erry?

He's fantastic.
How'd the party go?

Oh, Bob, I can honestly say this is
the best bachelor stag party I've ever been to.

- Uh-huh.
- The guys were so sweet.

- They let me play in every hand.
- How much did you drop?

Oh, Bob, that's not
why they let me play.

- How much?
- I only had five dollars in my purse.

What did you do
when that was gone?

You know that big jar
of pennies you've been saving?

Emily, there must have been 50, 6O dollars
in thatjar of pennies.

$72.08.

All gone?

Of course not, Bob.

- How much is left?
- The eight cents.

Well, it's a beginning.

[ Mews]