Original subtitles

J there's a kind of special house j

j with a kind of special room

j with a kind of special atmosphere

j with a click of the ol' clock j

j going tick-a-tick-a-tock [j

j shh! Susan slept here j

j oh, I can't describe the house j

j and I can't describe the room j

j but the atmosphere is warm and dear j

j with the friendly whippoorwill singing on her windowsill j

j shh! Susan slept here j

j sunlight kisses her shoulder j

j that's one light I'm jealous of j

j mirror, mirror, mirror, jealous 'cause youre near her j

j jealous "cause you hold my love j

j I'm an ordinary guy with extraordinary luck j

j 'cause it's Susan who's in my career j

j and I'm tackin' up a sign on that ticker of mine j

j Susan j

j Susan j

j Susan slept here j

my name is Oscar. I live in Hollywood.

My family first settled here in 1928.

We love Hollywood.

The orange groves, palm trees, louella, the freeways,

and movie studios.

Every year, around income tax time,

we throw a surprise party.

Here are some newsreel shots of the first one I attended.

We boys were all lined up, waiting to be awarded

to deserving members of the motion picture industry.

How I hoped I'd be awarded to this deserving member.

She was the girl voted the best supporting actress.

But instead, they gave one of my brothers to her.

Oh, brother!

Me, I was awarded to the author of the best screenplay,

Mark Christopher.

Nice guy, but he's no supporting actress.

Being around a writer, you get to know his problems.

My writer had two problems:

One of them lived in Pasadena... Isabella.

She had everything.

And she wanted Mark to stop working and share everything she had in Pasadena.

Problem number two was Mark's work.

Ever since he won me, he'd been in a rut,

writing the same type of movie... Light, frothy comedies.

Like the clown who wanted to play Hamlet,

Mark wanted to prove he could write serious.

But the studio didn't take him serious,

so Hamlet said farewell to his weekly stipend

and the cop at the gate.

After that, Mark worked at home.

Here I'd been living a well-polished but dull life.

Things were less dull after my writer started writing at home.

It was nice to have another man around the house.

By the night before Christmas,

he'd been working on the serious story for months

and it was only half-done,

but it was coming along real great.

This stinks!

The more I type,

the more I wonder if he could ever write.

Now miss maude, you know Mr. Mark can write.

Didn't he just write a hit for Jane Russell?

This story is not what made that picture a hit.

I love her pictures. Don't you?

I despise all gorgeous women with gorgeous figures,

especially when they're gorgeous.

Hey, woman of distinction,

I thought you gave up drinking.

I only say that when I'm loaded.

When I sober up, I come to my senses and get loaded.

Here's to you, junior.

Don't call me junior...

Or I'll cancel your mambo lessons at Arthur Murray's!

Uh, excuse me.

I'm sorry.

Oh, excuse me.

Mr. Christopher.

Hmm?

You dropped this.

Oh, would you put it up there for me, please?

Thank you.

Thanks for picking it up.

It's Christmas.

Do you mind if1 come in?

Why didn't you use your key?

I hadn't thought of that.

My, my.

We're still Christmas shopping

like we're still employed, aren't we?

Well, our financial condition will be vastly improved

by the completion of our script.

Eh, maude?

How did you like the new scene where they get married?

How did you like the new scene where they meet?

Hey, you got a date in 20 minutes.

You'd better get into your space suit.

Can I have the rest of the night off, boss?

Sure.

Don't forget your Christmas present.

You may have just earned it.

A girl can always use another mink coat.

"Merry Christmas to maude."

Oh, now that's clever writing.

Thanks.

You give mother my best.

By the way, how is she?

Still hoping somebody will give me a man for Christmas.

How does it look?

Looks like there ain't no Santa claus.

Well, merry Christmas to you both.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

I heard you.

As you said,

I've got a date with a girl.

Chicken.

There ain't no Santa claus.

Eew!

I'm convinced your secretary has no taste in men.

Well, she usually has good taste in scripts.

Ah, forget it.

She's just got the Christmas blues.

Ah, christmases aren't what they used to be.

Remember when we were in the Navy?

That Christmas on Guam?

Aren't you ever going to get out of the Navy?

My happiest days.

I thought Yale was.

Dear old Yale, my happiest days.

What were yours?

Oh, when I thought Hollywood thought I could write something

besides escapist stuff.

Don't sell it short.

Who else can write for Fred Astaire like you?

And that must be Fred now!

Oh, sorry, the Christmas party must be down the hall.

Hey, wait a minute!

I'm hanlon, police department.

Remember?

Oh, of course, sergeant hanlon.

You were technical advisor on the private eye and the chorus girl.

The same.

Who's he?

He's Virgil.

What does Virgil do here?

He works for Mark. He's Mark's...

Right hand.

His man Friday, his Dr. Watson,

his boswell, his Rochester,

like ham and eggs 1 am.

The main thing I do is listen to his ideas, when he had them.

Where did he ever get a guy like this?

In the Navy.

I was his commanding officer.

Ahem.

Is that the bar?

Yes, and that's the liquor in the bottles.

Don't mind him. He's off duty.

Well, I'll tell Mark you're here.

Tell him we got a present for him. Ain't we, monty?

I think the whole idea smells.

Present? Hey, Mark will appreciate that.

He should. It's a girl.

A what?

Oh, uh...

When I was working at the studio,

Mark used to talk about

an idea he had for a serious story...

About a juvenile delinquent.

Said he'd like to talk to some

of these 16-, 17-year-old kids we pick up.

Well, I'll go down and get his present.

We got her handcuffed to the steering wheel.

Maizel: We want to make sure she's comfortable.

Drink a lot of coffee, don't you?

Only black.

It's the cream and sugar that hurts you.

Where's Isabella's present?

Well..hello there.

Hl.

I don't think we've met.

That's because you never saw me before.

Detective sergeant maizel.

I'm Sam hanlon's buddy.

Oh. How's Sam?

Still the same.

Still in homicide?

No, he switched to vice.

You meet a livelier class of people.

Sam just went downstairs. Got a Christmas present for you in the car.

Just what you need.

Christmas present for me?

Sam shouldn't have done that.

No. We didn't get anyone for him.

Hollywood home for wayward girls.

Hollywood home for... Virgil.

Is Mark there?

Our song.

Hello, Isabella. I'm just leaving.

If you can tear yourself away

from the snorkel commander,

I'd like to remind you, Mark,

this is not one of those Hollywood buffet dinners.

We're sitting down promptly at 8:00.

Put in a good word for me with the assistant Butler.

Maybe he'll sneak me in through his pantry.

Let me go! Let me go, you dirty...

Let me go!

How are you, Mark?

Hello, Sam.

Mark, meet Susan landis.

Where is she?

Take it easy, kid!

I had to tell her my grandmother lived here.

It was the only way I could get her out of the car.

You liar! You double-crosser!

Communist!

Ohh!

Oww!

Come... come here, you!

No, you don't!

Isabella on phone: Mark? Mark, are you listening to me?

No!

Mark! Mark!

Oh, Isabella, I'm just leaving.

Are you having a Christmas party without me?

Party? Of course not, honey.

I'm giving Virgil his Christmas present.

I'm just leaving.

Sam, what is this?

Remember that time at the studio we were talking about girls?

He's giving her to you for Christmas.

Uh-huh, I knew this was a frame-up!

Nobody's given me to anybody,

for Christmas or new year's or any other time!

Easy, susie!

She's the character in your delinquent movie.

Oh, no...

Not the "I'm gonna get you in the movies" routine!

There's no such movie.

There will be, if you use her.

What could I possibly use her for?

Yeah, what?

I pass.

Research!

Look, you talk to her tonight,

and by tomorrow, you got a story!

And you've been doing it the hard way.

Are you the boss here, mister?

Well, I've got my name on the lease, if that's what you mean.

Well, do I get out or don't I?

You sure do, honey.

You and me both.

Come on.

Now, where do you live?

She don't...

Unless you call a reformatory living.

- Reformatory? - What did she do?

Hit a sailor over the head

with a beer bottle.

Hit a sailor?

Maybe she was trying to launch him.

Where was the shore patrol?

Who do you think she hit?

He had it coming to him!

Well, as an old seafaring man, I agree with you.

Now, Sam, this is very thoughtful of you,

but I'm working on another script right now.

Be a good boy, will you,

and take this kid home to her mother?

Who knows from her mother?

She took a powder,

ran off with some guy.

That's all we can get out of the kid.

So she's a juvenile delinquent.

No folks, no relatives.

The state's gonna keep her locked up until she's old enough

to drink what's in the beer bottle.

Hmm. Susan, how old are you?

17.

See you boys later.

She'll be 18 next June.

It's only 6 months.

Come to see us when you graduate.

Gee, Mark, I was just trying to do the decent thing.

I didn't think it was right for a kid

to spend Christmas in jail, that's all.

See? I told you the whole idea smelled!

Sam figured you'd take her in

so we could say we didn't pick her up until the day after Christmas.

Yeah. Come on, kid.

You're not wanted.

Sam.

Hmm?

Wait a minute.

Maybe maude could take care of her.

What bar do you suggest I call?

How about maude's mother?

- Same question. - Same question.

I know, stop joking.

Who's maude?

Maude is my secretary, female.

Maude's got to come home sometime.

All right, Sam, I'll have maude take care of her.

Aw, gee, thanks, Mark.

Susie? You're gonna have a nice Christmas.

Now you be a good girl and don't make any trouble for maude, you hear?

We'll pick you up the day after tomorrow.

Just blow the siren. I'll be waiting.

Remember, you guys, she's underage.

Lay one hand on her and that's all, brother.

Well, wait till you taste my crepe suzettes.

Mark: Ok, Susan, come on.

Come on in, make yourself at home.

Old salt will rush you some chow and phone maude,

and then... crepe suzettes?

Virgil!

Virgil! Virgil!

I suppose old salt's gone to find maude.

You corny Hollywood wolf!

Who are you kidding with that maude gimmick?

If you think I'm staying alone in a house

with a man who lives in an apartment, you're crazy!

Quiet!

Go research someone else, you big oaf!

Let me go, you big bully!

Put me... oh!

Merry Christmas.

Let me go! Let me go, you big liar!

Will you let me go?

You can't get me now!

Put me down!

Let me go! Aah!

Now you listen to me, miss landis...

You... ohh!

Now listen to me, Susan... oww!

Now what are you planning to do?

Jump out the window.

Let me help you.

And hurry up!

I don't want to catch cold!

When they pick up my bruised and bleeding body,

I'lltell them...

Oh, grow up and stop dramatizing yourself.

I'll try maude.

I am grown-up!

Grown-up enough to know why they brought me here.

All that guck about bringing me here for ideas for a movie.

I'll bet you got ideas!

Young lady, the day has not arrived when a man my age...

I don't know any men your age,

but they're probably just as bad as any men my age!

I'm sure. They just don't wear diapers, that's all.

And stop looking at me like I'm Jack the ripper.

Don't forget what that cop said.

I'm underage, and don't you lay a hand on me!

You're cold.

Would you like something to drink?

You want to get me drunk!

Yeah, I want to get you drunk.

Loaded. Pie-eyed. Stinking!

Tight as a hoot owl!

High as a kite! Blind as a bat!

Now do you feel safer?

Christmas Eve.

Good samaritan rides again.

You get so dramatic about everything.

You ought to be an actress.

I am an actress!

I loved you in the outlaw.

I never played that part.

Oh, you didn't.

Did you ever see Peter Pan?

With maude Adams, Eva le gallienne,

Betty Bronson, or Walt Disney?

No, with Susan landis,

at San Fernando valley sunset high.

That one I missed, thank goodness.

The school paper said,

"Susan landis was utterly captivating."

I believe it, tinker bell.

I, too, have been utterly captivated by the versatility

of your histrionic performance.

Histronomic?

You know, I'd forgotten what 17-year-old,

emotional kids are like.

I've been going out with middle-aged women.

20, 21.

You talk like a writer.

I just don't write like a writer.

You don't look like a writer.

That's because I've done so much writing.

While we're waiting, would you care to see my scrapbooks?

Is that like etchings?

Better!

Oh, I got another idea.

An old cinema I wrote is returning to haunt me tonight.

A picture you wrote?

A picture I wrote.

Announcer: And now for your Christmas Eve movie matinee,

brought to you by Eureka used cars.

Remember Eureka on the corner of third and central.

And now for our movie.

For the first time on television, at this time of night,

dance, girlie, dance.

Watch the credits, you'll see my name... Christopher.

Oh, fine, now maude's out.

I never heard of these actors.

You weren't born yet.

There now, you see? Written by...

"Screenplay by Rex Wallace

"and George Samuel chiles.

"Adapted from an idea by John Augustus close,

"and story by William and Mary ellionius

"and Barney z. Ogley.

Additional dialogue by..."

I didn't see your name.

Well, right after "additional dialogue."

That was me... Mark Christopher.

You have to read fast in pictures.

It's a guild rule.

Aren't we gonna watch it?

It's a terrible picture.

I couldn't stand to hear another word of that dialogue, ever.

Hey, here's your name!

"By Mark Christopher."

You wrote the gob and the geisha girl?

You wrote this?

I got this from a lending library!

That part about the crazy sailor and that sexy nurse,

when he was in that crazy hospital...

Crazy!

Real nervous.

Could I?

Haven't you had any dinner?

Oh, sure. The cops bought me 4 hot dogs,

but they ate 2 of them.

I'll get you some food.

Susan!

Yes?

Not in the head!

There's some milk and cookies in the kitchen.

Hurry up, we're late.

I'm sorry about his head.

Where are we going?

We're just going. Get a move on.

Oscar: Well, that's Hollywood.

A couple of years ago, I'm one of the stars at the academy awards.

Now I'm a widescreen nutcracker.

And then I was in a musical comedy in high school.

I met a composer who had ulterior motives on me.

Now why can't I think of plots like that?

Do you think a good plot helps a story?

It sort of rounds it out.

Hey, where are we headed?

Didn't you have a date?

Yup. We're going to see a girlfriend of mine,

and for some reason, I'm late.

She's broad-minded, isn't she?

You bringing another woman along, I mean.

You're going to stay put until I can find maude.

She'll pick you up sometime tomorrow.

Stay put where?

Here in this motel.

I've never been to a motel.

The experience will do you good, make a woman out of you.

Merry Christmas. Yeah.

We'd like a room... for her.

How old are you, kid?

17.

Merry Christmas.

There sure are a lot of motels in Hollywood,

aren't there, Mr. Christopher?

You'd think one of them would have a vacancy.

Not on Christmas Eve.

Well, don't worry.

Like I told you before, I can sleep on your couch

in my clothes.

No couch.

Sleeping in your clothes is comfortable.

You just have to get in the right position

so the buttons don't hurt.

No couch!

Why do you want to get rid of me?

I'm research for your movie.

No movie, and you're sleeping here.

I'm going to a real dull dinner.

I'll doze through the fish course

and probably catch a couple of catnaps during the baked Alaska

and the senator's speech...

Oh, here we are.

And then if I need sleep, I'll go to a motel.

And /'ll run away!

That's ridiculous. Hold this.

Sure, maybe it is,

but if you have to go to a motel,

I'm causing you trouble.

And I don't want to cause any trouble.

Just tell me where you keep the extra blankets.

In the bedroom closet.

Where will you stay?

When I get back, I'll try the couch.

I hate to take your bed.

No, that's all right.

I don't sleep good anywhere.

That's not healthy. Why don't you?

No time. It takes 24 hours a day

to write a story and convince a girl

you're not the marrying type.

You mean you let a girl keep you from sleeping?

It's been the policy of our firm for a great many years.

Good night, and lock the door behind you.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Christopher.

Same to you, Susan.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, good evening.

Mr. Christopher!

Mr. Christopher?

Are you on your way to keep that date?

Yes, I am. Why?

Well, I, uh, don't think you have it anymore.

You see, the phone rang...

You didn't answer it?

Well, all I said was, "hello,"

and the other lady said...

Do you know an Isabella?

I did.

Well, after I said "hello,"

she didn't say anything for awhile,

so I explained what I was doing in your bedroom.

She didn't say anything for awhile again.

Then she said a lot of things.

And she said she hoped you and I

had a very nice Christmas,

and that she was going out for a drink

with the assistant Butler.

Are you going up or down?

It's immaterial to me.

Me, too.

Mr. Christopher? What do assistant butlers do?

Mr. Christopher, are you mad at me?

Night.

Ahh...

Woman: This is the end, melville.

Melville: Melinda, listen to reason.

Melinda: I can't. I can't forgive you, melville.

Ooh, you and that woman!

Melville: I told you, Melinda,

it was just one of those things.

I love you.

Melinda: Get out! Get out!

Melville: All right. That's the way you want it.

Melinda, crying: That's the way I want it.

Melville: Melinda, you're crying.

Melinda, sobbing: No, I'm not!

Melville: Melinda, my love,

we'll go away.

Melinda: Oh!

Melville: The riviera.

Melinda: Oh, melville. I'm so happy...

So happy, happy.

Great additional dialogue, huh?

I thought you'd gone to bed.

I'm afraid to go to bed.

Well, what are you afraid of?

I'm afraid I'll fall asleep.

Here, put this on.

I don't like to play cards with a girl

unless she's nice and warm.

Susan: Cards.

We'll play gin rummy until you feel you can trust me.

I don't play gin rummy.

Canasta?

No.

Ok. I'll teach you how to play gin.

What do we play for?

We'll just play.

Why don't we play for who gets the bedroom and who sleeps out here?

All right.

Whatif it's atie?

You start this game by dealing 10 cards to each player.

Oscar: Well, here it is Christmas.

Christmas in Hollywood is no different from Christmas all over the world.

It's a day of peace.

Announcer: And now, hold my hand, sung by Don Cornell.

J so this is the kingdom of heaven j

j so this is the sweet promised land j

j while angels tell of love, don't break the spell of love 2»

jhold my hand j

j so this is the garden of Eden j

j in dreams, it was never so grand j

j let's never leave again, Adam and Eve again j

jhold my hand j

j this is the secret of what bliss is

j for bliss is what yourkiss is j

j at last I understand j

j so this is the kingdom of heaven j

j and here on the threshold we stand j

j pass through the portal now, we'll be mortal now j

jhold my hand j

hello?

Not you again. When did you get back?

Oh, I've been here all night.

Isabella, yelling: Let me speak to Mr. Christopher!

Shh! He's still asleep. We were up pretty late playing games.

Isabella: What?

Card games. I beat him 15 straight at gin rummy.

Oh, if you'll excuse me now, my eggs are scrambling.

Bye, Isabella.

Mark: Yes?

How do you want your scrambled eggs?

Scrambled.

Good, because that's the way I made them.

We're eating on the porch.

In case you woke up and wanted to make pie crust?

Well, you're a man, aren't you?

There's a nasty rumor to that effect, yes.

Let's eat.

No. Please.

I don't think you'll need this anymore.

Ok, let's forget you're a man and I'm a woman.

Ok, you be the man, I'll be the woman.

You know, for a man, you make pretty good coffee.

Oh, anybody can cook.

That's what my mother always said.

You made coffee for your mother?

Whenever she had a hangover.

Oh, don't get me wrong. She didn't always drink a lot.

You have to understand.

My mom was more like my girlfriend than my mother.

She was only 17 when I was born... my age.

Eggs?

Mom always seemed so...

Mom always seemed so young to me,

but I guess she isn't, really. She's 34.

That's old?

Isn't it?

I'm older than that.

Older than 347?

35, but don't kick it around.

I tell everybody I'm 29.

Shee.

Tell me more about your mother, like why she ran away with that fellow.

After pop died, she tried real hard to support me, waiting tables.

It was just tough luck that all the men she ever met were phonies.

Who's the phony she ran away with?

He's no phony. He's the real thing.

He must be, running off with your mother, leaving you like this.

I made them do it.

You did what?

He had to go to Peru on a construction job,

and they wanted me to go, but I figured,

"some honeymoon, with a kid along."

In a marriage, you got to get off to the right start.

I know she'll be happy.

Well, didn't mom worry about what might happen to you?

Oh, sure, but I fixed that, too.

I told her I was going to marry George,

the boy I went through school with.

She liked him.

She left me her written consent to marry whenever I wanted.

I'm a minor, you know.

Oh, yes, I believe that was mentioned last night.

I like George, too, but I'm not in love with him.

I don't believe in marriage without love.

Do you?

No, no.

Oh, no, no, in... in marriage,

you got to get off to a right start.

Well, you'll be the only girl on the prison farm getting mail from Peru.

Save the stamps for me, will you?

If you're calling maude, tell her... Tell her not to hurry.

I mean, I have a lot of dishes and things to do.

Ok, there's the kitchen. Start doing.

Yes, sir.

Oh, no, captain, not yet. I'm not slept out.

Merry Christmas, coward, and how are the crepe suzettes coming along?

All right, I'm fired.

You're hired again.

Borrow some clothes from Harvey's daughter...

She's about the same size as Susan... bring the clothes and Harvey

over here right away, hmm?

Who needs a lawyer on Christmas day?

Or did junior miss use her beer bottle on maude?

Maude never got here.

Never got there?

Susan slept here.

I know who needs a lawyer Christmas day.

Now, don't make a move until I get there.

Don't even talk. Your phone may be tapped.

And wipe your fingerprints off... off everything. And think up a fast alibi.

You know who that is?

Well, if it's Isabella, she certainly doesn't look like she sounds.

She's beautiful.

That's Isabella, and she is beautiful.

But then, most women are beautiful in one way or another.

That's what makes it so difficult.

Makes what so difficult?

Marrying the right one.

What's so hard about that?

Well, if man can't find all beauty in one woman,

does he settle for the beauty he can see with his eyes,

or is beauty within more important?

Am I talking like a writer?

Mmm, but I like it.

This is you, Susan. You're beautiful within.

You sacrificed your happiness for someone else's.

You talk like a writer. I'd settle for beauty you could see.

I'd like to pass street corners and get passed at.

Nobody even whistles at me, except George, that is.

You know, I'd like to get adye job and a facial like her.

Isabella's a natural blonde.

You sure?

We're very good friends. She told me.

Oh. Well.

If I was dressed like her... real George, cool, all gone, low cut...

You know, clothes that are really with it... hey.

Merry Christmas, Susan.

Isn't this what you were giving her?

That was last Christmas Eve... long time ago.

Open it.

I don't think I should take another woman's present, but I will.

Oh, no, I won't. Not this, Mr. Christopher.

Go ahead. Isabella has a whole closet full of mink...

One in every color from every husband.

A mink.

A real mink?

Mm-hmm. That's for being a good cook.

Imagine, me in a mink.

You know, Mr. Christopher, some girls will do anything for a mink.

Yeah, I've heard.

And now, Susan, you're the perfect combination for any man.

Beauty within and beauty without.

There, you got your whistle. Now go look at yourself in the mirror.

Mr. Christopher.

Yes?

I can't look in the mirror.

Why not?

If I see myself in it, I'll never take it off.

Then, never take it off.

Be out of place where I'm going,

but thanks, Mr. Christopher.

I've never been so happy, and thank you for the whistle, too, even if you didn't mean it.

I meant every pucker.

Mr. Christopher, would you like me to kiss you?

Why?

Because you gave me a mink.

Absolutely not. Wasn't that kind of mink.

Would you like to kiss me?

Why?

Because it's Christmas.

I've never been kissed under a mistletoe.

Well, that's, uh, that's different.

Researching?

Look, Harvey, no hands.

Leave him alone. He's overage.

Here's the dress.

Susan.

Susan, here.

Another present?

Put it on.

Yeah. Don't forget your feet.

Well, it's, uh, about time you got here.

Sorry I kept you waiting.

How would you like your daughter to spend

the next 6 months in jail with hardened criminals?

Mmm, might do her good.

We've had a lot of trouble with Miriam,

ever since she tried to join a college fraternity.

Now, every law has a loophole.

What can we do, Harvey? She's a nice kid.

You and Isabella can adopt her, if you don't tell Isabella.

Look, Mark.

Stray juveniles who get picked up by cops are wards of the juvenile court.

If they get picked up for conking people with beer bottles,

that's a criminal charge.

They get sent to a prison farm.

6 months, case closed, quod erat demonstrandum.

Where's the black coffee?

You and me both. Come on.

Now, stop acting like a lawyer. Use your brain.

What about vagrancy?

It's all right, for those who like it.

But suppose I can get the cops to forget about the beer bottle charge

and just book her on vagrancy?

It's a much less serious offense, but it's still a criminal charge...

Same result... unless she can prove a visible means of support.

What if I tell the court I'll be responsible for her support?

Any judge who starts handing out 17-year-old chicks

to 35-year-old bachelors will become president next election.

Of course, you could fool the court by marrying the girl

and supporting her on what you haven't got.

And that reminds me.

This Christmas morning lecture on jurisprudence

will cost you an extra fee,

which you haven't got.

I'll get it.

Please. You work here.

Oh, Sam! Sam, come in. Merry Christmas.

Just the lad I want to see.

Where's the kid?

Say, about Susan and that beer bottle charge...

No, no charge.

Shore patrol got big-hearted.

She'll be booked on a vagrancy.

Oh, great.

Where is she? I got to take her in now.

Now? You said tomorrow.

Eh, it's all my partner's fault.

He spilled the beans about the kid's Christmas vacation.

Captain heard about it this morning. Boy, did he hit the ceiling.

But you can't take her in now, uh...

Sam... Sam, you were right. There's a great story in this girl.

I just need time to develop it.

The old man don't know from developing.

He wants the kid brought in today.

Where's she at, maude's?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's at maude's.

Well, call maude, tell her to bring the kid right over.

What I mean is, she's on the way to maude's. Virgil is taking her.

Virgil?

Yeah.

You trust that little girl with Virgil?

What was that?

Georgette making coffee.

She sure shook the joint doing it.

Come to think of it, I don't trust Virgil, either.

You better hurry up to maude's right away, huh?

Hello?

Answering your own phone for a change?

What happened to the 12-year-old cardsharp with the goo-goo voice?

If you mean me, I'm still here.

Get off the phone!

Not until I have a word with you.

I didn't mean you, I meant you.

Mark: Sam!

What is it, Sam? You want something?

Just a cup of georgette's java to steady my nerves.

Well, it's Christmas.

You're my guest. I'll get the coffee.

Gee, that was fast.

Georgette has this place beautifully organized.

Drink up.

Ah, gee. Never should have brought the kid over here in the first place.

Time the captain gets through with me, I'll be directing traffic at Hollywood and vine.

Oh, he can't do that to you.

Yeah? I'll wave to you when you drive by.

Where is maude's place?

1259 Beverly stage drive.

How do I know where he went? I'm in the bedroom.

Go get him!

I can't! I'm not dressed!

Isabella, I can explain everything, if you'll just listen.

Shooee.

What did he mean, he didn't trust me?

Calm down, lieutenant.

Mark, as your attorney, I must warn you that you are now not only

involved with a minor, but that you have misrepresented the facts

to the police.

You lied to a cop.

Maude will take care of that.

You talk, I can't.

Mark: Maude?

I'm not sure. I haven't looked yet.

Listen, secretary, there's going to be

a cop knocking on your door in about 20 minutes.

Cop? My door? What did I do last night?

I don't know, but when he gets there, don't open the door.

Oh, I can't even open my eyes.

Merry Christmas, and we're going to start a new script tomorrow.

Oh, fine... hey, how old is this cop?

Too old for you.

What about mother?

Too young for mother.

Now, remember, don't open the door.

I won't even look under the bed.

Ooh.

Again, as your attorney, I'm telling you to get rid of the girl.

I'll take her to the police station.

How do I look?

Nice.

Real nice.

Smell me. I borrowed some of your Cologne.

Smells better on you.

Mark.

Susan, this is my attorney,

Harvey butterworth.

Hl.

Go wrap up your old clothes.

Harvey: We're leaving.

Do what he says, Susan.

Sure, Mr. Christopher.

I wish you could have heard her this morning, Harvey.

She's got a lot of character for such a youngster.

Maybe so, but you've got no choice, Mark.

Virgil suggested one. I could marry her.

You can't marry this girl, Mark.

Why, I've got a daughter her age.

I'll get a lawyer with an older daughter.

Didn't you say it was the prison farm,

unless she could show visible means of support?

Ask your new lawyer.

I get it.

Listen, Harriet beecher stowe,

I know you probably need an ending

for this great epic you're going to write about Susan,

but you don't have to live it.

Mark, for her, it will only be 6 months in jail,

but for you, it can be a lifetime.

Even if you get a quick divorce,

have you thought of alimony?

This is California... Community property.

Fine, we'll share joint custody of Oscar.

What are we running a fever for?

He can't marry her.

Why not?

1... Isabella will shoot you down with her skeet gun.

Oh, Isabella's too tall for me.

2... there's a 3-day waiting law in this state.

Ever heard of Nevada?

3... she's underage. Can't marry without parent's consent.

Take it easy, both of you guys.

She's got her mother's consent in black and white.

I'll just tide her over the holidays, keep her out of jail.

Won't be a real marriage, just an expedient.

We've all forgotten one thing... the bride.

A girl with all the character you claim she's got

isn't going to hop into holy matrimony with a stranger she only met...

Susan: I'll go find those cops.

Thanks for a very nice Christmas.

Susan.

Susan.

I listened.

Nobody has to marry me because I'm an...

I'm an expedient.

Susan, all I meant was...

When I get married, Mr. Christopher,

it has to be the biggest day in my life.

Like I told you, I don't believe

in marriage without love, on both sides.

If you had asked me for real, I would have said that...

Don't forget to take the cake out of the oven in 10 minutes.

Character she's got.

We'll be back tomorrow.

From where?

- Las Vegas. - Las Vegas.

Remind me to take that wedding cake out of the oven.

He can't be serious.

Oh, he's serious, and he'll convince her he's serious,

and she'll take him serious, and he'll start writing serious,

and we'll all be in serious trouble.

I don't believe it. Even my psychiatrist won't believe it.

If I may quote, "it's easier to fall in love in 12 hours than it is in 12 months."

Who said that?

Me.

They said my partner was here.

He'll be back. Merry Christmas.

There's the bar. Help yourself.

Where do you keep the milk?

My captain just gave me an ulcer.

In the kitchen.

Woman: Hello.

Hello, louella?

Louella: Yes.

This is Virgil.

Louella: Merry Christmas.

Oh, merry Christmas to you, too.

Thank you.

I have a present for you.

My, how nice.

You know that scoop you've been after about Mark and Isabella?

You bet I do.

Well, he's finally getting married,

and he wants you to be the first to know.

Well, lucky Isabella.

No, not to Isabella.

What? Well, who on earth?

She's a debutante from Virginia.

Oh?

Susan beauregard landis.

Landis? I don't recall...

You know, the Virginia landises?

Oh.

The tobacco people.

Mmm.

She's the beautiful cigarette heiress, just graduated from vassar.

Landis? L-a-n-d-I-s?

Mm-hmm.

What a scoop.

Virginia debutante weds Hollywood's most eligible bachelor

while Pasadena burns.

When's the wedding?

Tonight in Vegas.

That's pretty fast work.

Yes. Yes, I guess you might say it was a whirlwind courtship.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oscar: I don't mind the whirlwind courtship,

it's that joint custody of me I'm worried about.

It's kind of past my bedtime, you know.

Well, you're a...

You're a mad woman. I can dance all night.

Had enough dancing?

Me? No, I'm just getting started.

Some honeymoon, eh?

When I start, I can't stop.

Good morning, Sylvester.

Good morning, Mr. Christopher.

Say, would you open my door? There's a key in my pocket.

Sure, Mr. Christopher.

I won her in Vegas.

Did you say "Vegas"?

I rolled 7 straight passes.

Well, thanks.

Did you do everything I asked you to do...

Tell maude about the cabin?

Sure, I'm Virgil, the human switchboard.

You woke me up, so I woke everybody else.

Well, how was Las Vegas?

Did you tell maude to bring her typewriter?

Carbon, paper, ribbons, erasers...

She's loaded for a bear. How was Las Vegas?

Did you tell her to bring warm clothes?

She knows about the snow. How was Las Vegas?

You wouldn't believe it. = ll try.

Night before last, I slept on this sofa all night.

All night last night, I danced. My feet are killing me.

Both: I tried. Cut it out, will you?

Georgette: Good morning, Mr. Mark.

Is it true what louella Parsons says?

Georgette, make a big pot of coffee.

It's true!

What did louella say?

"All Hollywood, except this columnist,

"was taken by surprise this morning

"when Mark Christopher, one of our better comedy writers,

"a 17-year-old nonprofessional from the San Fernando valley.

"They were introduced by the vice squad

of the Los Angeles police department."

Mark, so help me, I was as surprised as you are.

When I read it, my tattoo turned over.

I wanted to explain it to Isabella before it got in the papers.

Safer you should write the baby-faced killer a letter from big bear.

Any suggestions what to say?

Well, George Washington's farewell address to his troops always plays.

Let georgette get it.

Yeah, especially if it's Isabella, out for early morning target practice.

Come on. We've got to talk.

Georgette, take good care of Susan, will you?

She's going to stay here, and I'll be back in a couple of months.

Aren't you going on a honeymoon?

His feet can't take it. Better answer the door.

For the bride.

For the groom.

We made a package deal.

Well, thank you.

Would you mind telling me who you are?

We're the bridesmaids from the vice squad.

Oh, yes! I read about you gentlemen.

Come in.

The bride's here.

The groom stepped out for a couple of months.

Congratulations, Mr. Christopher.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I'm still available.

Forget about the neighbors.

Just being neighborly.

Now, you just take care of Susan.

See that she eats right and gets plenty of sleep.

Get her some clothes, a lot of clothes.

Poor kid's probably never had anything decent to wear.

Let her enjoy life a couple of months

before Harvey draws up the annulment papers.

When I get back, maybe we can get her a job. Here.

Heave anchor.

Oh, miss Isabella.

Miss Isabella?

Yes?

Mr. Mark is out.

Lucky for him.

Uh, can I be of assistance, ma'am?

Thank you. I have a few old, tired mementos to retrieve.

Georgette: These gentlemen are friends of Mr. Mark's

from the vice squad.

Oh, how nice! My favorite squad.

I believe I read about you in this morning's paper.

Having fun playing cupid?

Aw, shucks, ma'am. It was nothin'...

Just a little idea of mine that happened to pan out.

Oh, I am sorry,

but they were flat anyway, weren't they?

Let's stop, darling.

My feet hurt.

Oh!

Oh, you're...

Your husband's fiancee.

How did you get in here?

I was just going to ask you the same thing.

I live here!

Mark and I are married!

Really?

I adore your negligee.

So original.

You must show me the rest of your trousseau,

before you leave.

What makes you think I'm leaving?

I thought you'd want to spend your honeymoon

with the groom, and he's already left.

Where is he?

If this were my honeymoon,

I'd know... exactly.

Mark!

Mark?

The party's over, cinderella.

I'll see that you get a ticket to Reno and enough cash

to make you the belle of skid row.

Sergeant hanlon, where is my husband?

I don't know, susie...

I mean, uh, heh, Mrs. Christopher.

"Mrs. Christopher"?

Well, as Mrs. Christopher, is this my house?

Half of it. It's community property.

Well, she's standing on my half.

Would you kindly throw her out of my half?

My father is senator Rufus d. Alexander.

You'll still have to leave.

You'll have to carry me out.

Hold my cheese sandwich!

The senator will have you broken!

Maizel: Ha! A democrat!

He's got his own troubles.

Isabella: Oh! Enough of this!

Put me down!

I can't hear you, lady. I got flat feet.

Isabella! What are you doing up there?

Wishing I were a republican.

Don't forget this.

Put me down, you big oaf!

You'll hear about this!

Which way to sun valley?

All right, all right. What's she got to gripe about?

He married her, didn't he?

She's just worried about the next census.

Look, the guy gave her his name so she wouldn't have to wear a number.

She's sitting pretty.

That's not why he married me.

Did he tell you he loved you?

He didn't have to.

I could tell.

I could tell!

What is this, lieutenant... A Navy court marshal...

Or do you just like to pick on little girls?

I made breakfast for Mrs. Christopher.

Well, I don't think Mrs. Christopher's very hungry.

Oh? Something wrong?

Yeah. You can put the eggs back in the shells.

Ok.

Well, I'm off to the winter wonderland.

One for the road.

Get a script out of him.

Let's salvage something out of this marriage.

I can handle a writer.

1 just hope you can handle a writer's bride.

She'll be fine. I'll get her a playpen

and a two-month supply of comic books.

Susan: You can read them yourself!

Well, if raggedy Ann isn't here again.

Don't you ever get tired of changing clothes?

I'm tired of being pushed around, but I guess you're not.

You're a big nothing! You and your crew cut haircut

and your sailor talk and your crepe suzette...

Are you all through?

Yes!

No!

Who needs you? Not Mark!

He's got a cook to cook and a secretary to secretary!

You can stick around in a phony job he made up for you, but not me!

I'm not going to be a phony wife!

Now, are you all through?

I sure am, and don't try to stop me!

Me?

Stop you?

Susan! Listen to me!

Su...

Well, who are you?

I'm bigger than you are, Susan!

Now, leave me alone!

Let me go!

After I've talked to you like a mother.

What do you know about motherhood?

I happen to have typed the script to Stella Dallas.

Georgette, this is Mrs. Christopher.

Good morning!

You ready for breakfast now?

I wouldn't leave on an empty stomach.

If I were you, I wouldn't leave at all.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

You? When?

Years ago...

Back home in north Dakota.

I ran out on a man I was crazy about,

just because I thought he was a little crazy.

Virgil: That figures.

Your husband's better than crazy. He's a writer!

And you'll be just another story to him, susie,

unless you love him enough to stay and put the ending on it.

Don't let the senator's daughter write the fade-out!

Oh, get me. Heh!

I'm ready for TV.

Get me my skis, son. I got to mush.

Have you had breakfast, miss...

Snodgrass.

No, I didn't have a chance, honey.

I... l dashed out of bed to saks for these arctic typing clothes.

Georgette,

will you warm up my old breakfast

and make a new one for miss snodgrass?

Yes, ma'am!

Thank you, Mrs. Christopher!

Wouldn't want you to leave on an empty stomach.

Oscar, voice-over: While my writer was away,

his bride did a little spring cleaning

and, uh, "sprung" these rare old documentaries.

Old home movies are great,

but not when there's a new wife in the old home.

Ah, Mrs. Christopher.

How'd you do today?

That's wonderful.

Yesterday, you were thrown 4 times.

Well, if it isn't Annie oakley.

Hey, I got to talk to you.

I'm late for my golf lesson.

If you can find time in your olympic game schedule,

I'd appreciate an hour tomorrow...

Say, between skin diving and push-ups,

or if that's not convenient, between the discus throw and the high hurdles?

Harvey wants to see you.

What does he want me for?

Oh, uh, just the joint income tax return.

You have to sign.

Ok.

Aren't you wasting your time?

It takes more than sports to make a wife.

Anything that society girl can do, I can do.

Her golf score isn't why he went with her.

Why don't you tell me which mountain

Daniel Boone is hiding behind?

Uh-uh. Nothing doing.

Mark's coming along great on the story.

No interruptions.

If I find out where he is...

I'll interrupt him... but good!

Maude: Attagal, susie!

I'm proud to be your mother!

Dracula's daughter.

Oh, Isabella, what is this?

Don't you like it?

Why, they told me this is the type

you're marrying this season...

Real gone!

That's a very bad imitation of a very nice kid.

I can be a very nice kid, too.

Got any references?

Why did you really come up here?

To tell you I understand and I forgive you.

You earned your merit badge.

You kept the juvenile delinquent out of jail.

Now let's talk about the future,

if mother Hubbard will excuse us?

Hubba-hubba! Good-bye, script.

Wait a minute, maude.

Isabella, we haven't any future. We never did have.

All right, Mark.

I did want to make one last attempt.

I'm sorry I made fun of your wife.

Good luck on the story.

Wait.

Don't go away upset.

We're both grown-up. Let's act that way.

I'd better leave.

Don't leave till after breakfast.

Maude will whip something up.

You don't really want me to stay.

Yes, I do.

We both do, don't we, maude?

Come on, Isabella. Stay for breakfast.

Here you are, Susan.

Just sign on the dotted line.

All the copies.

Joint income tax papers?

These are the annulment papers.

Just sign here.

Annulment papers?

Mark made you a free woman,

now you're making him a free man.

Just a simple little annulment, Susan.

And since you and Mark aren't really married...

But we are married.

We drove to Las Vegas and came back with a wedding license.

You're lucky.

Usually people don't come back with anything.

Susan, you don't understand.

I understand.

Mark wants a divorce,

and you're just calling it a fancy name.

I wish that were true,

but it happens that Mark can't get a divorce.

He can't? Why not?

Because you and Mark were never...

Alone together.

Uh, if you'll just sign here.

Thank you for the pen I'm not using.

Tell my husband I'm a married woman.

I expect to stay unannulled

until I'm divorced.

Now what do we do?

I don't know about you,

but I gotta go pick Miriam up.

She's my daughter, you know.

I think she's living in a tent on the 40-yard line.

And then, I've got to see my psychiatrist.

Yes, miss?

Mrs.

And I'll have a bowl of strawberries,

a glass of milk, and a side order

of mixed pickles.

Strawberries...

Milk...

A side order of...?

Pickles.

Anything wrong?

You want strawberries and pickles for breakfast?

Mixed pickles. A lot of them.

Yes, miss.

Mrs!

Here you are, miss.

Mmm!

Mmm!

1 just love strawberries

and mixed pickles for breakfast,

don't you?

This just isn't my day.

Eeeuggh.

I'm glad you called, Harvey.

Maude just left with Isabella.

I think Isabella's going to sue me.

She broke her leg skiing.

Mm-hmm.

Says maude steered her into a tree.

Mark. A smart client always levels with his own lawyer.

How do you expect me to get you an annulment?

I have leveled.

At this very moment,

I am not more than 20 feet away from your wife.

And she is devouring two plates of...

Pickles and strawberries?!

Why, that's impossible.

Virgil was supposed to ta...

Virgil!

Hello?

Oh.

Just a minute.

For you.

Oh, it must be my long-distance call.

Mark?

No, unless he went to Washington without telling me.

Hello?

Oh, yes, operator.

Keep trying, I'll wait.

I brought the annulment papers with me.

Ready to sign?

Please, I'm lighting a cigarette.

Are you being fair to Mark?

Is Mark being fair to me?

A girl's entitled to make one pass at her husband

before he annuls her.

All right, operator. Call me back.

What do you think you're doing, tobacco heiress?

I told you.

Smoking.

When did you break training?

A girl looks older when she smokes.

Are you sure it's dead?

Maude: Hi, sailor boy!

Hi, susie!

Hi, maude!

How are you, Susan?

Fine.

Hey! You look older.

- "Ve been smoking. - You've been smoking.

- Cut it out. - Cutit out.

Did you come down alone?

No, just dropped a friend of mine off at the hospital.

Remind me not to send flowers.

Not Mark.

Oh, no! No, Mark's fine.

The script's fine, everything's fine!

Any minute now, his bright and smiling face

should be coming through that door.

Mark coming home?

Mm-hmm.

I better change into something more feminine.

Welcome home!

It's been mighty dull with you away.

Virgil!

Virgil, look here.

Virgil, are you all right?

Yes, go on, Mr. butterworth.

You were talking about your daughter.

Your relationship with her hasn't improved

since you undertook psychiatry.

Only in that she doesn't talk to me anymore.

What does her mother say?

She blames everything on those u.C.L.A. Boys.

Mark: I wouldn't care if he was in the middle of

a seance with Arthur conan Doyle,

he's my attorney, I have to see him.

Oh, there you are.

I tried to stop him, doctor.

It's all right, miss Sterling.

Hello, Mark.

Hl.

You'll forgive me if 1 don't get up,

but this couch costs me 50 bucks an hour.

Where are those annulment papers? I'll make her sign.

That's what I get for marrying a child in the first place.

I hate to say I told you so,

buti told you so.

Why did you marry a child in the first place?

Oh, Dr. rawley, this is Mark Christopher.

He's a writer.

Glad to meet you, doctor.

Mr. Christopher.

Why did you get married?

Oh, it's a long story.

Those annulment papers, Harvey.

I never hear any other kind.

Well, it was like this, I...

Go ahead. I'll put it on my tab.

Well, I married this child to keep her out of jail.

She was just a kid in trouble,

she didn't mean a thing to me.

You know what I did when I saw Virgil?

I slugged him!

I was never so mad in my life.

- Virgil? Why? - Virgil?

His best friend, his wife's chaperone.

Chaperone? Ohhh.

You were quite angry when you "slugged" him...

Quite angry? I blew my top.

Naturally. You were jealous.

Jealous?! Jealous of what?

Your best friend. And your wife.

You should see an ear doctor, doctor.

I said she wasn't a wife, she was a child.

You don't act like she's a child.

Well how, may I ask, ami acting?

Like a jealous man.

Like a husband who's in love with his own wife!

Of course, it is abnormal that he doesn't know it.

Abnormal!

Me, abnormal?

Let's get something straight, doctor.

I don't love anybody. I don't love anybody!

Why don't we lie down and talk it over?

Be my guest.

Ahem!

Mark: Don't be ridiculous, Dr. Rawley.

How can I love her? She's a delinquent kid.

Rawley: You seem to be a delinquent husband, Mr. Christopher.

You've been gone a long time.

Why don't you see her?

Oh, I'll see her, all right.

I'll give her back to those cops tied in ribbons.

J so this is the kingdom of heaven j

j so this is the sweet promised land j

j when angels tell of love j

j don't break the spell of love j

jhold my hand j

j so this is the garden of Eden j

j in dreams, it was never so grand j

j let's never leave again j

j Adam and Eve again j

jhold my hand j

jthisis j

j the secret j

j of what bliss is j

j for bliss j

jis what yourkiss is j

j at last I understand j

j so this is the kingdom of heaven j

j and here on the threshold we stand j

j pass through the portal now j

jwe'll be immortal now j

jhold my hand j

Oh, it's you.

Excuse me.

J so this is the kingdom of heaven j

j and here on the threshold we stand j

j pass through the portal now j

jwe'll be immortal now j

jhold my hand j

j hold j

j my?

J hand j

Oh, it's you.

You said that.

Would you mind telling me why you refuse

to sign those annulment papers for Harvey?

Because Harvey isn't the man

who asked me to marry him.

All right, Susan.

I'm asking you.

You shouldn't make decisions on an empty stomach.

You must be hungry.

No thanks.

I'm up to here in strawberries and pickles.

Strawberries and pickles?

You like them, too?

If the pickles are mixed.

Me, too. Everybody thinks I'm crazy,

but when my mother was carrying me,

she had a yen for them and never got over it.

I picked up the habit from her.

How long have you been eating them?

All my life.

When my mother could afford it, that is.

Susan, let's, uh...

Let's have some tonight.

For dessert! Hey, that's a wonderful idea.

I've always had them for breakfast.

Virgil!

Hi. Susan in?

Yeah!

Come in, come in.

Hello?

Is Susan in?

She's cooking dinner.

Well, don't bother her. Just tell her good-bye.

And tell her I took my own advice

and sent a telegram to north Dakota.

Good-bye? North Dakota? What's in north Dakota?

Isn't it, oswald?

It's about time I put old mort out to pasture.

I've run my last script, and it's a winner.

You'll get your Oscar.

And I've got my oswald.

Bye, now.

Maude's left me.

So have I.

Aw, Virgil, I'm awfully sorry...

I fired myself.

Got a new job.

Well, it's not really new.

I've been trying for some time to get back in...

Before this afternoon.

Nice to see you again, Mr. Roberts.

How come?

Well, all my life I never had any real feeling of security

except in college and in the Navy.

Your happiest days.

I'm appreciative, Mark.

The job you made for me and everything you've done.

But as a very wise child bride pointed out,

who needs me around here?

I'm too old for college and too young for charity.

That leaves the Navy.

Deserter.

You can send my food packages

care of the naval base at San Diego. I'm reporting tonight.

Aye aye, sir!

Any further orders?

Yes.

Admit you accidentally married the right girl.

I guess the Navy shouldn't meddle in civilian affairs.

I'll say good-bye to Mrs. c.

Good-bye, Virgil.

Hi, Virgil.

Are you back in the Navy?

No, I'min a road company of madame butterfly.

Good-bye, susie.

I'm leaving him in your hands.

I'm glad you didn't sign those papers.

He's not.

I've got some scuttlebutt for you.

He is, too.

Now get in there and make him admit

he can't live without you.

No, it's too late now.

A woman has her pride.

But I'm not a woman!

Yet.

Mr. Christopher! Why don't you admit

you can't live without me, like Virgil said?

I admit it.

Sodo I.

Well, what do we do now?

Nothing.

Don't give me that. I've been reading.

Books.

Nothing because I'm older.

I'm old enough to be your mother.

I remember. You're 29 going on 30.

And you're only 17.

17? I'll be 18 in 4 months.

I can climb on a horse alone,

I shoot golf in the low 140s,

I belong to the best book-of-the-week club,

I read the parts of the new York times I can understand,

I can smoke a cigarette half down,

and I know how to mix drinks.

Daiquiris... 2 jiggers of rum, half a lime,

sugar to taste, pour over crushed ice, serve.

Martinis... 5 parts gin, 1 part vermouth, French.

Stir, but don't bruise the gin.

Scotch over rocks... that's a scotch and soda without soda.

Now, Mark, what more do you want in a wife?

I'ma doll and you know it.

I'm too big to play with dolls.

I'm ready for the armchair, a television,

and a small dog to bring my slippers.

Arf arf!

I'm a hypersensitive hypochondriac with hypertension.

I take pills till I rattle...

Pills that put me to sleep,

pills to wake me up,

pills that remind me to take pills!

There's no pill to make a Benedict out of a bachelor.

Man and boy, I've been a bachelor.

I come from a long line of bachelors.

Toot toot! End of the line, all out!

Do you realize that when I'm 50 years old,

you'll only be...

31.

31 years, that's right.

A woman in her prime, a woman in full flower.

And where will I be? Over the hill!

We all have to go some time.

And when I'm 60, how old will you be?

I'll never be over 30. You'll never be over 30.

The dangerous age.

Will you be satisfied to stay home

and take care of a broken-down man of 607?

No, you'll want to go out and live.

And me, I'll be just around

the corner from social security.

J I'm an ordinary guy with extraordinary luck j

j cause it's Susan who's in my career j

j and I'm tacking up a sign on that ticker of mine 2

j Susan j

j Susan j

j Susan slept here j