Original subtitles

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

Girl: WE'RE ALL CAPABLE OF DOING BAD THINGS.

LORD KNOWS, I'VE DONE MY SHARE,

THINGS I'M TRULY ASHAMED OF.

BUT SHOULD MY LIFE,

SO YOUNG AND FULL OF SWEET PROMISE,

BE TRAGICALLY CUT DOWN

BEFORE IT EVER HAD A CHANCE TO SHINE?

[VOMITS]

IF I EVER GET OUT OF HERE, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS,

SOMEBODY'S GONNA PAY.

OR AS THE GREAT GERMAN PHILOSOPHER

FRED NIETZSCHE ONCE SAID,

THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL US IS GONNA WISH IT HAD,

BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT TO FED-EX ITS SORRY ASS

BACK TO SKANK CENTRAL, WHERE IT CAME FROM...

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

MY DADDY ALWAYS SAYS EVERYTHING IS BIGGER HERE IN TEXAS,

EVEN THE SKY.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TRUE THAT IS,

SINCE I'VE NEVER BEEN OVER THE STATE LINE.

[COWS MOOING]

I DO KNOW THAT THE LONE STAR STATE

HAS PRODUCED LOTS OF FAMOUS PEOPLE.

JOHN WAYNE IS FROM TEXAS;

ALSO PRESIDENTS EISENHOWER, JOHNSON, BUSH, AND BUSH;

ANN RICHARDS, WHO'S A DEMOCRAT

BUT A REALLY COOL PERSON;

THE MARY KAY OF MARY KAY COSMETICS;

AND ONE DAY SOON, ME.

I DECIDED AT AGE 3,

I WAS GONNA JOIN THE RANKS OF THESE ILLUSTRIOUS TEXANS,

NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK.

I WAS GONNA BE A TV STAR.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING--

WHY WOULD SOME SUPREMELY SMART GIRL LIKE ME

WANT TO BE JUST A TV STAR?

THE ANSWER-- GOOD MORNING, AMERICA.

WHAT COULD BE MORE SATISFYING AND REWARDING

THAN KNOWING THAT, EVERY MORNING,

IT'S YOU WHO WAKES UP

THIS GREAT AMERICAN NATION WITH A SMILE?

I NEVER DOUBTED I'D MAKE IT IF I FOLLOWED

THE PATH TO THE TOP FOOTSTEP BY FOOTSTEP,

AND TONIGHT WAS A VERY CRUCIAL FOOTSTEP.

STARLA, WE DON'T WANT TO BE LATE, DARLING.

I'M READY.

OH, ALL EYES ARE GONNA BE ON MY LITTLE GIRL.

OH, DADDY, PLEASE.

ENJOY IT WHILE YOU CAN, CUPCAKE,

BEFORE TIME AND GRAVITY DO THEIR DIRTY WORK.

YOU JUST LOOK BEAUTIFUL, DARLING.

[KISS]

DOESN'T SHE JUST LOOK BEAUTIFUL, RANDOLPH?

SHE LOOKS LIKE A DRAG QUEEN.

SHUT UP, POINDEXTER.

HUSH!

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT DRAG QUEENS?

GET OUT OF HERE.

♪ I AM WHAT I AM

♪ STRAIGHT OUT OF CALI, CALI ♪

♪ I AM BRINGING IT TO YOU

♪ RIGHT UP YOUR ALLY, ALLY

STARLA, HAVE YOU DECIDED IF WE'RE GONNA PARTICIPATE

IN THAT FOREIGN EXCHANGE THING OR NOT?

IT IS AN HONOR TO BE SELECTED AS A HOST FAMILY.

MAMA, YOU'VE BEEN BUGGING ME ABOUT THIS FOR MONTHS NOW.

WHAT DO I WANT SOME LITTLE FRENCH TART

RUNNING AROUND HERE FOR?

HONEY, IN HER LETTERS,

THAT LITTLE GIRL JUST SOUNDS SO SWEET,

AND SHE WANTS TO COME HERE SO BADLY.

MAMA'S ONLY THINKING ABOUT YOU, HONEY.

YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO FAIL FRENCH.

I KNOW. I JUST DON'T HAVE TIME

TO BE ENTERTAINING SOME FOREIGNER.

AND BESIDES, WE PULLED THEIR UNGRATEFUL FRENCH BUTTS

OUT OF 2 WORLD WARS. ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

NOW, STARLA, I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER--

THERE'S NO SHAME IN NOT WINNING THE BEAUTY PAGEANT.

IT'S NOT A BEAUTY PAGEANT. IT'S A CELEBRATION

OF ALL THAT IT MEANS TO BE A MODERN WOMAN--

CHARM, CLASS, AND SOPHISTICATION.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOO]

♪ BEEF, IT BEATS ANY VEGETABLE ♪

♪ BEEF, MMM, IT TASTES INCREDIBLE ♪

♪ BEEF, NOTHING'S INDIGESTIBLE ♪

♪ ABOUT BEEF

[MOO]

♪ BEEF, IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER EVERY DAY... ♪

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS SHE DOES.

THAT'S WHY SHE WINS.

LOOK AT HER EYEBROWS WHEN SHE SINGS "BEEF."

HERE IT COMES.

♪ ...NO TO BEEF

ISN'T THAT DARLING? "BEEF." SEE IT?

[WHISPERING] What?

I DON'T LIKE THIS JAPANESE MUSIC.

IT'S MOZART.

NO, SMARTY.

MOZART PLAYED THE PIANO.

HEY, BABE!

KYLE, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE.

I JUST CAME BY TO WISH MY BEST BABE LUCK.

OH, THANK YOU. BUT I WON'T NEED IT.

ALL THAT'S LEFT IS THE INTERVIEW PORTION,

AND THERE'S NO WAY I CAN LOSE.

NO MATTER WHAT THEY ASK, I'M GONNA BRING UP GOD.

EXCELLENT!

THEN ME AND YOU CAN DO SOME CELEBRATING.

Woman: PLACES, LADIES. LET'S TUCK AND STUFF IT.

GO GET 'EM, SWEETIE. MAKEUP!

Announcer: AND NOW...

THE VERY FIRST MISS SPLENDONA BEEF,

FORMER DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADER,

AND CURRENT PAGEANT COORDINATOR,

MISS KIMMY SUE CALDWELL SPRINKLE.

THANK YOU.

Announcer: AND OUR 3 FINALISTS!

Kimmy Sue: I WILL ASK EACH FINALIST ONE QUESTION,

BEGINNING WITH ASHLEY LOPEZI LOPEZ.

[APPLAUSE]

ASHLEY, DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE

FOR A WOMAN TO HAVE A CAREER

AND STILL BE A GOOD HOMEMAKER AND CAREGIVER?

I THINK ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

AS LONG AS YOU HAVE FAITH IN THE LORD!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I LOVE YOU, JESUS!

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

THAT TRAMP. SHE PLAYED THE GOD CARD.

Kimmy Sue: AND FINALLY,

OUR FINAL FINALIST, A FINE YOUNG LADY,

STARLA GRADY.

[APPLAUSE]

STARLA, IF YOU HAD TO SUM UP

YOUR PERSONAL PHILOSOPHY

IN ONE WORD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

COMMUNITY.

THIS WORLD WOULD BE BETTER OFF

IF WE DIDN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON OUR KNEES,

WORSHIPPING AT THE ALTAR OF SELF.

NOW, I ADMIT, I HAVE ENJOYED

ENORMOUS SUCCESS AS AN INDIVIDUAL.

YES, I WAS A JUNIOR INTERN

FOR THE TEXAS STATE LEGISLATURE 2 SUMMERS IN A ROW.

OF COURSE MY PEERS VOTED ME

MOST LIKELY TO WIND UP IN PEOPLEMAGAZINE.

BUT ALL OF THESE ACCOLADES MEAN NOTHING

IF I'M NOT SERVICING MY COMMUNITY.

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

AND GOSH, I'M JUST SO DARN PROUD OF SPLENDONA,

I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW

WHAT A VERY SPECIAL COMMUNITY WE LIVE IN.

AND SO, IN THE SPIRIT OF GLOBAL WARMING,

MY FAMILY, THE ARNOLD GRADYS OF MOCKINGBIRD LANE,

HAVE DECIDED TO HOST SPLENDONA'S FIRST-EVER,

ALL THE WAY FROM PARIS, FRANCE, FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT!

[LOUD APPLAUSE]

WELL, SHE'S LOCKED THIS ONE UP.

[MOO]

Starla: GOSH, I WONDER WHAT SHE'LL BE LIKE.

Bootsie: WELL, I'M SURE SHE'LL JUST BE DARLING.

OH, MY GOSH! HERE THEY COME!

I'M SO EXCITED!

[FRENCH ACCENT] HELLO. I AM GENEVIEVE.

BONJOUR! BONJOUR!

HA HA HA!

[LOUDLY] IN HONOR OF YOUR VISIT,

WE LEARNED A LITTLE FRENCH CULTURE.

ARNIE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO START?

START WHAT? THE THING...

OH, RIGHT. LIBERTé.

EGALITé.

ENNUI.

THAT IS NOT THE WORD THAT WE AGREED UPON.

IF THAT IS SOME KIND OF FRENCH PROFANITY,

RANDOLPH SCOTT GRADY, I SWEAR--

IT MEANS "BOREDOM UNTO DEATH."

OH. WELL, THEN THAT'S OK.

EVERYBODY WAVE TO THE CAMERA NOW.

SMILE! SMILE, EVERYBODY!

HERE SHE IS. ISN'T SHE CUTE?

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.

Man: ♪ RUNNIN' FROM THE RAT RACE JUST AS FAST AS I CAN ♪

♪ TAKE OFF MY TIE SO I CAN BREATHE ♪

♪ ME, I'M GOING WHERE THE FRESH AIR... ♪

MON DIEU. IT IS LIKE A CASTLE.

IT IS SO HUGE.

JUST WAIT TILL YOU SEE WHAT'S INSIDE.

♪ WALK IN THE COUNTRY WITH ME ♪

♪ WATCH THE SUN SINKING DOWN ON THE TREES ♪

SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

HA HA HA!

COME ON. WE'RE HAVING FUN.

ISN'T SHE PRECIOUS?

HI. HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE YOU.

THANK YOU FOR COMING. ISN'T SHE JUST ADORABLE?

STARLA, YOU HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS.

YEAH. WELL, IT'S A BLESSING AND A CURSE.

WITH TREND-SETTING COMES RESPONSIBILITY.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

COME ON. LET'S DROP YOUR STUFF OFF

AND GET YOU INTRODUCED. RANDOLPH, GET THE LUGGAGE.

PRECIOUS.

GENEVIEVE, THESE ARE MY 2 BEST FRIENDS IN THE WORLD--

ASHLEY LOPEZ AND TANNER JENNINGS.

HELLO.

SO, THIS IS OUR LITTLE FRENCH VISITOR?

OUI.THAT MEANS YEAH.

IT'S WHAT HIP PEOPLE IN FRANCE SAY.

OH. OH.

[LOUDLY] DO YOU SPEAK AMERICAN?

SHE'S FRENCH, TANNER, NOT DEAF.

WANT A CIGGIE?

OH...NO, I DO NOT SMOKE.

I THOUGHT ALL YOU EUROPEANS

SMOKED LIKE CHIMNEYS.

FOR A TIME I DID,

BUT IT TOOK AWAY MY APPETITE

AND MADE ME DROP THE WEIGHT LIKE FLIES.

AND? AND?

SEE YOU.

THOSE TWO ARE REAL SWEET, BUT THEY'RE BIG SLUTS.

STARLA.

HEY, STUD.

HEY...STUDETTE.

MMM...

MMM...A-1.

GENEVIEVE LePLOUFF,

THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND, KYLE FULLER.

HELLO. MMM...

NEVER BEFORE HAVE I SEEN A MAN

WITH SUCH, UH... UM...BIG MEAT.

[GULP]

UM, KYLE'S CLASS PRESIDENT,

AND HE'S BEEN QUARTERBACK

OF THE SPLENDONA HIGH LONGHORNS

SINCE 10th GRADE,

WHEN I FIRST BECAME HEAD CHEERLEADER.

NATURALLY, WE STARTED DATING.

IT WAS DESTINY.

MMM...

OH, HOW ROMANTIC.

HEY, YOU TWO WANT SOME MEAT?

UH...

MAYBE LATER, SWEETIE.

OK.

[KISSING LOUDLY]

IF YOU DON'T EAT MEAT AROUND HERE,

PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU AS IF YOU'RE SOME KIND OF FOREIGNER.

OH, SORRY.

HERE I AM GIVING MAKEOVERS AT AN OLD FOLKS' HOME.

OH, AND THIS IS ME WINNING THE BEEF PAGEANT.

OH, AND THIS IS ME

AND A LITTLE HUMANE SOCIETY PUPPY

THAT TOTALLY PUKED ALL OVER MY NEW SUEDE JACKET

RIGHT AFTER WE TOOK THIS PICTURE.

I SWEAR, I WANTED TO PUT THAT DAMN DOG IN THE MICROWAVE.

IN AMERICA, IF YOU WANT TO BE FAMOUS,

YOU HAVE TO CARE ABOUT CHARITIES AND STUFF.

IT MAKES PEOPLE NOT HATE YOU.

WHICH REMINDS ME...

THESE ARE SOME OLD CLOTHES

I'M GIVING TO THE... SOMETHING THRIFT STORE,

EITHER FOR BREAST CANCER OR BURN VICTIMS.

WHAT IS THIS?

OH, IT'S A CHECKLIST--

50 STEPS TO BECOME ABC'S $6-MILLION WOMAN

AND HOST OF GOOD MORNING, AMERICA.

WHAT'S THE JUNIOR ANCHORPERSON COMPETITION?

OH, IT'S, LIKE, A CONTEST

WHERE EVERYONE PICKS A SUBJECT

AND THEN MAKES A VIDEO ABOUT IT.

MINE'S ABOUT MISSING CHILDREN.

OH...

MY MAMA GOT IT MADE AT A PROFESSIONAL NEWS STUDIO.

IS THAT ALLOWED?

WELL, THAT'S HOW THEY DO IT IN THE BIG-TIME.

YOU THINK KATIE COURIC CUTS HER OWN?

WHEN I WIN, I'M GONNA USE

THE COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIP

TO DO BROADCASTING AT WELLESLEY.

AND THEN IT'S JUST A HOP, SKIP, AND A JUMP

TO DOING TV WEATHER, WORKING FOR GEORGE OR JEB--

WHOEVER'S PRESIDENT AT THE TIME--

AND THEN GOING NATIONAL.

OH, STARLA, YOUR LIFE IS SO FORMIDABLE,

SO PUISSANTE,SO CHIC.

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

♪ THERE IS NO MAP, THERE ARE NO SIGNS ♪

♪ WE'RE ON OUR WAY, WE'RE CROSSING LINES ♪

♪ STRAP ON YOUR BOOTS, GO PACK YOUR BAGS ♪

♪ NO TIME TO REST, NO TIME TO LAG ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW

♪ EVERYONE HERE HAS BEEN INVITED TO GO ♪

♪ WHOA-OH

♪ AND YOU KNOW, WE'RE ON OUR WAY ♪

♪ INTO THE UNKNOWN

♪ INTO THE UNKNOWN

♪ INTO THE UNKNOWN

YOU ARE AMAZING.

IT'S MY JOB TO BE AMAZING, GENEVIEVE,

AND I TAKE THAT JOB VERY SERIOUSLY.

OH, HERE. LET ME CARRY YOUR BOOKS.

HEY, STARLA. YOU LOOK GREAT.

HEY, STARLA. WHAT'S UP?

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO MAINTAIN GOOD RELATIONS

WITH YOUR PUBLIC.

ASHLEY, TANNER!

IT'S OK. IT'S FRENCH.

OH. OH.

HEY, ISLE OF LESBO OFF THE STARBOARD BOW.

HEY, DOREEN, WHAT AN INTERESTING PERFUME.

WHAT IS THAT? C.K. SPAM?

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

HEY, BEEF QUEEN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, ED?

LET'S SEE... IN A WORD, COMMUNITY.

AND TO MEET THE SECRET WEAPON

THAT BAGGED YOUR LATEST CROWN.

SORRY?

HEY, LEAVE HER ALONE, ED. SHE'S NEW TO THIS COUNTRY.

HI. ED MITCHELL.

OH. GENEVIEVE LePLOUFF.

COME ON. YOU CAN WATCH ME

DO THE SCHOOL ANNOUNCEMENTS.

WAIT. YOU'RE GONNA PASS UP A PHOTO OP, HUH?

THAT'S RIGHT. FRONT PAGE OF THE SCHOOL PAPER.

"BEEF QUEEN HOSTS FOREIGN EXCHANGE STUDENT,"

ET CETERA, ET CETERA, AD VOMITOSIS.

BUT...WITH A BIG, FAT PICTURE.

[SIGHS] WHAT A BORE.

WELL, IT WOULD BE A GREAT WAY

FOR PEOPLE TO LEARN ABOUT GENEVIEVE.

SO GENEROUS. I'M TOUCHED.

SO, COME ON. LET'S SEE A BIG, MEATY SMILE, HUH?

BITE ME, YOU BIG MANHATTAN POSER.

I'M FROM ALBANY.

LIKE THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

CAN WE SHOOT THIS PUPPY WHILE I'M STILL YOUNG?

NO, COME ON. I WANT GENEVIEVE IN THIS, TOO.

OH, RIGHT. COME ON.

OH, NO. IT'S...

NO. COME ON.

OK. CAN YOU SAY FROMAGE?

UN, DEUX, TROIS...

OH! OH, I'M SORRY.

I AM SO CLUMSY. JE SUIS DESOLé.

NOT TO WORRY. WE'LL JUST TAKE ANOTHER.

JUST THINK OF THE CAMERA AS A MIRROR,

AND YOU'RE SMILING AT YOURSELF.

OK.

OK, LET'S TRY AGAIN.

IN 3, 2...

GOOD MORNING, SPLENDONA HIGH.

THIS IS STARLA GRADY WITH THE MORNING NEWS.

PRINCIPAL McFARLAND WISHES EVERYONE TO NOTE

THAT RUMORS OF A BOTULISM OUTBREAK

IN THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA ARE HIGHLY EXAGGERATED.

HE GOES ON RECORD SAYING,

"THE TUNA CASSEROLE IS JUST AS FRESH THIS WEEK

AS IT WAS LAST WEEK."

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

AND NOW... GLOBAL NEWS ROUNDUP.

ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN PEACE TALKS BROKE DOWN AGAIN YESTERDAY

WITHOUT ANY PROGRESS TOWARDS A COMPROMISE.

WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?

UGH. SOMETHING DISGUSTING HAPPENED IN AFRICA...AGAIN.

AND ON A MORE LOCAL NOTE,

REMEMBER, ALL YOU LONGHORNS, THE BIG GAME AGAINST FARMERVILLE

IS FRIDAY NIGHT AT 8:00.

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE SIZE OF IT.

SO FROM ALL OF US HERE AT K-LONG,

THIS IS STARLA GRADY SAYING...

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

Girl: AND WE'RE OUT. THANK YOU, STARLA.

GREAT.

GOOD JOB.

THANK YOU.

HMPH.

WOW.

NOW, Y'ALL SHOULD HAVE READ THROUGH CHAPITRE DIX

OF MADAME BOVARY IN THE ORIGINAL FRENCH.

[SLAM]

TO TE...

TO...TO...2 TE--TES...

TO TEST OUR COMPREHENSION, UM...

CAN SOMEONE SUMMARIZE FOR ME FLAUBERT'S THESIS?

ANYONE?

OUI.STARLA.

WILL THIS BE ON THE FINAL?

EN FRANçAIS, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.

WILL THIS BE ON LA FINALE?

[LAUGHTER]

YES.

[BELL RINGS]

SAVED BY LA BELLE.

Girl: 5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3.

Kimmy Sue: YOU CALL YOURSELVES HORNETTES?

I'VE SEEN BETTER KICKS FROM PREGNANT WOMEN!

OH, COME ON!

HEY, GENEVIEVE.

OH, KYLE. BONJOUR.

I WAS JUST WATCHING STARLA.

SHE REALLY KNOWS HOW TO SPREAD HER LEGS.

UH...TO KICK.

SHE KNOWS HOW TO KICK.

IT MUST BE NICE TO HAVE

A GIRL LIKE THAT STUCK ON YOUR BODY--

YOUR ARM. UH... STUCK ON YOUR ARM.

HA. MY ENGLISH IS NOT SO GOOD.

WHAT I MEAN TO SAY IS, UM...

I'M VERY HAPPY TO KNOW STARLA...

AND YOU.

INSIDE OF ME, I'M VERY, VERY WARM.

[GULP]

7, 8, AND FOOT, AND BACK,

Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

SPLENDONA HIGH'S MARCHING BAND AND THE HORNETTES!

LET'S MOVE!

LET'S MOVE!

LET'S MOVE!

LET'S MOVE!

LET'S MOVE!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE HORNETTES...

AND THEIR CAPTAIN, STARLA GRADY.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

MRS. GRADY, YOU MUST BE SO PROUD.

OH, YES, WE ARE. WE'RE VERY PROUD.

RANDOLPH, HONEY,

WILL YOU HAND MAMA A FRESH ICED TEA, PLEASE?

Starla: EXCUSE ME.

THANK YOU.

SO, WHAT DID YOU THINK?

OH, IT IS SO EXCITING.

I'VE NEVER BEFORE SEEN

THE AMERICAN FOOTBALL.

OH, RIGHT, THE GAME.

BUT WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ME?

AH, TU ES SPLENDIDE.

UNE APPARITION EN VOYAGE AU CIEL SUR UN NUAGE.

I'M SURE THAT MEANS SOMETHING REAL SWEET.

THANK YOU.

Announcer: WE'VE GOT ONE HECK OF A BATTLE GOING ON HERE.

SPLENDONA AND FARMERVILLE LOCKED IN A 14-14 TIE.

ON ONE. SPREAD OUT LEFT ON ONE.

QUARTERBACK KYLE FULLER, NUMBER 8,

LEADS HIS LONGHORNS TO THE 38 YARD LINE,

FIRST AND 10.

♪ SHE CLINGS TO ME LIKE CELLOPHANE ♪

♪ FAKE PLASTIC SUBMARINE

♪ SLOWLY DRIVING ME INSANE

♪ BUT NOW THAT'S OVER

♪ SO WHAT IF THE SEX WAS GREAT? ♪

♪ JUST A TEMPORARY ESCAPE

♪ ANOTHER THING I GREW TO HATE ♪

♪ BUT NOW THAT'S OVER

♪ WHY?

♪ WHY DO YOU ALWAYS KICK ME WHEN I'M... ♪

♪ HIGH?

♪ KNOCK ME DOWN TILL WE SEE EYE TO EYE ♪

♪ FIGURED HER OUT

♪ I KNOW SHE MAY NOT BE MISS RIGHT ♪

♪ BUT SHE'LL DO RIGHT NOW

Announcer: STILL TRAILING BY 2 POINTS

WITH JUST 10 SECONDS LEFT IN THE GAME.

KYLE FULLER'S GONNA NEED TO CONJURE UP

SOME POWERFUL MAGIC THIS TIME.

OPTION RIGHT ON 2.

GRRR!

READY! BREAK!

BLUE 21!

READY!

HUT! HUT!

[CHEERING]

[TWEET]

Announcer: TOUCHDOWN! SPLENDONA WINS!

THE LONGHORNS WIN!

KYLE FULLER DID IT AGAIN!

[SCREAMING]

YEAH!

YEAH! YEAH! YES!

YEAH!

[SCREAMING]

Starla: IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS.

IF ONLY I'D SEEN THE WRITING ON THE WALL.

I JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS IN FRENCH.

SO, GENEVIEVE, HOW DO YOU LIKE TEXAS?

AH, MRS. GRADY, I'M LOVING IT.

IT IS ALL SO BEAUTIFUL.

AS BEAUTIFUL AS FRANCE?

FOR ME, FRANCE WILL ALWAYS BE FILLED

WITH THE STENCH OF DEATH.

YEAH, WE GET THAT HERE, TOO,

WHEN THE WIND IS OUT OF THE SOUTHEAST.

HONEY, BRING ME A MARGARITA.

LAST SUMMER, I FELL IN LOVE

WITH A BOY FROM MARSEILLES--

JEAN-MARIE.

JEAN-MARIE WAS A GYPSY,

AND HE HAD THE SOUL OF A POET.

BY DAY, WE WOULD RUN THROUGH THE FIELDS OF LILAC,

AND AT NIGHT, HE WOULD CARESS MY FACE

UNDER THE FRENCH MOON.

OOH LA LA.

OUR LOVE WAS PURE,

BUT PAPA, HE HATED JEAN-MARIE.

YOU SEE, I HAD CARED FOR PAPA

EVER SINCE MY MOTHER DIED IN A BOATING ACCIDENT,

AND HE WAS TERRIFIED I WOULD RUN AWAY.

MON DIEU.

THEN ONE FATEFUL NIGHT,

BOOM! PAPA'S POOR HEART ATTACKED HIM,

AND I'M THE ORPHAN.

OH...

JEAN-MARIE CAME TO PAPA'S FUNERAL

AND VOWED HIS UNDYING LOVE FOR ME.

WE DECIDED TO LEAVE THE VERY NEXT DAY

BY TRAIN FOR THE RIVIERA,

WHERE HE WOULD JOIN THE CIRQUE D'ORAS A JUGGLER,

AND I...I WANTED NOTHING MORE

THAN TO BEAR HIS CHILDREN AND WASH HIS LEOTARDS.

WE DECIDED TO MEET THE NEXT DAY AT THE STATION.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I WAIT, AND I WAIT. DAY TURNED TO NIGHT.

AND STILL NO JEAN-MARIE.

OH. OH.

IT WAS ONLY LATER I LEARNED

THAT ON HIS WAY TO MEET ME,

HE MUST HAVE BEEN SO EXCITED,

BECAUSE HE DROVE TOO FAST

AND FLEW OFF HIS MOTORCYCLE

INTO THE SEINE AND DROWNED.

THAT IS SO...

EUROPEAN.

DON'T CRY FOR ME.

IN FRANCE, WE ARE TOLD THAT SADNESS AND JOY

ARE SISTERS HOLDING HANDS,

EACH ONE LOST WITHOUT THE OTHER.

OUI. OUI.

AND THEN THAT GORGEOUS, ROMANTIC JEAN-MARIE

WAS THROWN OFF HIS MOTORCYCLE AND DROWNED IN THE SEINE.

RIGHT?

GOD, Y'ALL, THAT IS TOTALLY TITANIC.

HEY, TITANIC WAS A MOVIE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO GENEVIEVE WAS REAL.

EXCUSE ME.

BEFORE TITANIC WAS A MOVIE,

IT WAS REAL. DUH!

FEAST YOUR EYES, LADIES.

LET ME SEE. LET ME SEE.

WHOA.

Starla: WHERE AM I?

AND, GENEVIEVE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I WANT TO DO A WHOLE PAGE ON GENEVIEVE.

NO. I COULD NOT POSSIBLY.

OH, BUT YOU HAVE TO!

THEN YOU CAN TELL YOUR WHOLE SAD SOB STORY.

Ashley: OUI.

PEOPLE WILL FEEL REAL SORRY FOR YOU,

AND YOU'LL GET LOTS OF DATES.

BUT THIS ARTICLE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME...

WELCOMING GENEVIEVE,

AND I THINK AN ARTICLE ON YOU IS A GREAT IDEA.

IT COULD BE ABOUT HOW I BROUGHT YOU HERE

AND HOW I'M HELPING YOU ADJUST TO A DIFFERENT CULTURE.

WELL...IF YOU INSIST.

TRaäS BIEN, DOREEN.

VOUS ETES UNE BONNE éTUDIANTE.

JE SUIS TRaäS FIER.

MERCI.

AHEM!

GET A LIFE, YOU BIG HAIRBALL.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

[BELL RINGS]

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

STARLA.

STARLA.

YES?

YOUR GRADE HAS NOW DROPPED BELOW A "C."

I'M AFRAID I'M GONNA HAVE TO INFORM

THE CHEERLEADING SPONSOR.

MISS SPRINKLE? WHY?

IT'S NOT LIKE I GOT FAT ALL OF A SUDDEN.

STARLA, ANYTHING BELOW A "C"

PROHIBITS YOU FROM PARTICIPATING

IN EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES,

CHEERLEADING INCLUDED.

GET SERIOUS!

BUT I'VE BEEN HEAD HORNETTE FOR 3 YEARS.

I'M SORRY. IT'S A STATE REGULATION--

NO PASS, NO PLAY.

WAIT.

I STUDIED FOR THAT TEST. I SWEAR!

IT'S JUST THAT...

I WAS IN BED WITH SERIOUS MENSTRUAL CRAMPS.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? YOUR WHOLE BODY ACHES,

AND YOUR BREASTS ARE, LIKE, ON FIRE.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

SO, COULDN'T I JUST GET ANOTHER CHANCE?

PLEASE?

OK. I WON'T SAY ANYTHING FOR 2 WEEKS.

IF YOU GET AN "A" ON YOUR ORAL EXAM,

THAT WILL BUMP YOU UP TO A "C."

ANYTHING LESS, AND I'M GONNA HAVE TO TALK

TO MRS. SPARKLE-- SPANKLE--SPRINKLE.

[KISS KISS]

THANKS, MONSIEUR DUKE.

ONE LOUSY "F," AND SUDDENLY NO CHEERLEADING?

THAT COULD TOTALLY SCREW UP MY CHECKLIST.

THAT MONSIEUR DUKE IS SUCH A...A...

PROFESSEUR DEDIQUE?

I WAS THINKING BIG A-HOLE,

BUT WHATEVER.

BUG OFF, WORM.

YOU KNOW, I COULD HELP YOU STUDY.

YEAH? AND WHAT'S THE CATCH?

THERE'S NO CATCH. YOU JUST GOT TO BE NICE

TO ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

HA! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

YOU'D EXPLOIT THIS FOR EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.

THAT'S JUST MEAN, YOU USER.

I'LL JUST GET GENEVIEVE TO HELP ME.

♪ DEM A SAY, DEM A KNOW ♪

♪ WITHOUT YOU, THEY WILL GO ♪

♪ IF YOU CALL THEM UP, YOU KNOW THEY WON'T SHOW ♪

♪ 'CAUSE, SHA, EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU ♪

♪ DIDDLY, DIDDLY, DIDDLY, DIDDLY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE ALL ALONE AND THINKING AT HOME ♪

♪ AND YOU HAVE NO ONE TO CALL THEM YOUR OWN... ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH! MON DIEU!

UH, JE SUIS DESOLé.

UH...I...I JUST WANTED TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE.

IT'S OK. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

YOUR LIFE IS SO GLAMOROUS.

I HAVE BEEN STRUCK BY THE STARS.

FORGIVE ME.

♪ EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE LIKE YOU ♪

NOW I HAVE UPSET YOU.

OH, NO. IT'S NOT YOU.

GENEVIEVE, I'M GONNA FAIL THE EXAM

UNLESS I LEARN HOW TO SPEAK FRENCH BY NEXT FRIDAY.

I KNOW I'M BEING A DRAMA QUEEN,

BUT IF I FAIL THAT CLASS,

I'LL BE THROWN OFF THE HORNETTES.

[SIGHS] MY LIFE COULD GO COMPLETELY OFF THE RAILS.

[OPENS SODA]

IF ONLY I KNEW SOMEONE WHO COULD HELP.

STARLA.

JE SUIS FRANçAISE!

GENEVIEVE, I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

I AM FRENCH. I CAN TEACH YOU.

OH, I COULDN'T ASK YOU,

NOT ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU DO.

BY THE WAY, DID YOU REMEMBER

TO PICK UP MY DRY-CLEANING?

OUI.AND DON'T BE SILLY.

YOU HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL TO ME.

I WOULD WELCOME THE CHANCE TO TUTOR YOU.

WELL, IF YOU INSIST.

I WILL MAKE A TAPE OF THESE LESSONS

YOU CAN LISTEN TO OVER AND OVER

UNTIL IT IS THE SECOND NATURE.

DON'T WORRY. YOU WILL EARN HIGH MARKS

WHEN YOU GIVE MONSIEUR DUKE ORAL.

OH, I'M SO GLAD EVERYONE YOU KNOW DIED

SO YOU HAD TO COME TO AMERICA.

Kimmy Sue: 1, 2, 3.

AND SHAKE IT TO THE FRONT.

A HAND, HEAD OVER.

UP, HEAD, PUSH, PUSH.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

[READING IN FRENCH]

HEY, GENEVIEVE.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

I'M BUSY MAKING THE FRENCH TAPE

TO HELP STARLA.

NO, COME ON. TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOURSELF.

AND BACK, KICK, ARCH, STEP.

ME? I AM NOBODY. A PILOT FISH SWIMMING

IN THE WAKE OF A GREAT WHITE WHALE.

NOTHING OF INTEREST HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME BE THE JUDGE OF THAT?

FAST TURN, 7, 8.

ED, YOU ARE SO...

WHAT'S THE WORD? HUNKY?

HEY, STARLA. HEY, STARLA.

COME TO MY PARTY.

GREAT SHOES, STARLA.

HEY, STARLA. YOU LOOK GREAT.

HEY, GENEVIEVE.

MOI?OH, HELLO.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'RE MAKING FRIENDS.

BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT GIRL.

YES, BUT YOU KNOW ME.

THAT'S CALLED FAME BY ASSOCIATION.

Girl: WOW! LOOK AT THAT BERET!

IS THAT HOW THEY WEAR THEM IN FRANCE, GENEVIEVE?

OUI.

SHE NOTICED MY BERET.

YEAH, I WAS GONNA SAY SOMETHING,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS YOU.

HEY, GENEVIEVE. SUPERIOR ARTICLE ABOUT YOU

IN THE SCHOOL PAPER.

ABOUT YOU?

"GENEVIEVE BRAVELY PUT HER TRAGIC PAST BEHIND HER

"TO START ANEW AS AN AMERICAN HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENT.

"WHAT IS PERHAPS MOST REFRESHING IS HER NATURAL APPEARANCE.

"WHAT A RELIEF FROM THE COSMETICALLY ENHANCED BARBIES

THAT SEEM TO OVERPOPULATE OUR SCHOOL."

HEY, BARBIE IS A ROLE MODEL.

WHEN THE BOYS SEE THESE PICTURES,

YOU'LL HAVE TO BEAT THEM OFF WITH A STICK.

OUI.WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT ME?

MMM...HERE IT IS,

RIGHT UNDERNEATH THE LUNCH MENU.

"AND FOR GENEVIEVE'S PRESENCE AMONG US,

DUE THANKS MUST GO TO STALRA GRADY."

"STALRA?"

"STALRA!"

OH, MY GOSH. THAT IS SO PATHETIC.

OHH! STARLA, I CANNOT BEAR

THAT I HAVE MADE YOU UNHAPPY!

I WISH I COULD THROW MYSELF UNDER A PLANE!

OH, DON'T BE SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN.

I'M NOT MAD AT YOU. I'M MAD AT ED.

AND YOU WISH YOU COULD THROW YOURSELF UNDER A TRAIN!

I ONLY SPOKE TO HIM TO TELL THE WORLD

HOW MUCH YOU HAVE HELPED ME,

AND BECAUSE...

BECAUSE I THOUGHT HE LIKED ME

IN THE WAY ROMANTIQUE.

THAT'S IT. WE'RE NOT LETTING HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS.

[TIRES SCREECH]

LADIES.

I THINK IT IS SO COMPLETELY DESPICABLE

THE WAY YOU USED POOR GENEVIEVE!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

PRETENDING TO FLIRT WITH HER SO SHE'D OPEN UP TO YOU.

WAIT A MINUTE. SHE FLIRTED WITH ME!

OH, RIGHT. NOW THAT YOU GOT YOUR PRECIOUS STORY,

YOU'RE JUST GONNA TOSS HER ASIDE

LIKE AN EMPTY CAN OF DIET PEPSI!

I'M NOT TOSSING ANYBODY ASIDE.

YOU OUGHT TO BE TAKEN OUTSIDE AND HORSEWHIPPED,

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A FOREIGNER LIKE THAT.

PLEASE DON'T TRY--

OH, PUT A SOCK IN IT, WOULD YOU?!

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO GIVE AMERICA A BAD NAME!

YOU'RE ONE TO TALK, YOU CONNIVING BLONDE BIMBO.

[SOBBING]

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

I HAVE A GOOD MIND

TO HAVE KYLE COME AND BEAT YOU OFF!

UP. BEAT YOU UP.

STARLA, WAIT. COME ON.

WHAT KIND OF SHIRT IS THAT?

IT'S A T-SHIRT.

HA HA HA!

WELL, IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A LOGO ON IT.

HA HA HA!

Starla: WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU,

YOU'RE GONNA FORGET ALL ABOUT THAT ED.

YOU NEVER CEASE TO BE AIDING ME.

I JUST HOPE THIS TAPE WILL HELP PAY YOU BACK

FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE TO ME.

Tanner: OK, LISTEN UP.

TOP 10 REASONS TO CROSS A GUY OFF YOUR LIST.

NUMBER ONE-- HE FORGETS YOUR BIRTHDAY.

NUMBER 2--

HE'S ALWAYS FLAUNTING HIS MANHATTAN SOPHISTICATION

BECAUSE HE'S SO... SO...PSEUDO.

I MEAN, WHAT MAKES HIM SO SPECIAL?

WE SHOULD CALL HIM "SPECIAL ED."

NUMBER 2--

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF NAME IS ED ANYWAY?

I HEARD HIS REAL NAME IS EDWIN.

EDWIN?

I MEAN, GENEVIEVE IS, LIKE, THIS PITIFUL FOREIGNER,

WHICH MAKES US ALL AMBASSADORS FOR AMERICA, RIGHT?

BUT NO, SPECIAL ED HAS TO MANIPULATE HER

TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK GOOD.

HE'S SO USE-ORIOUS.

COME TO THINK OF IT,

THE WHOLE SCHOOL IS NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF PHONY POSERS,

A NEST OF USERS, LOSERS, AND SELF-ABUSERS.

OK, GENEVIEVE, ALL DONE.

SOMETHING WRONG?

NO. UM...

YOU DID A WONDERFUL JOB.

PERHAPS IT IS ME,

AND I'M JUST NOT MEANT TO WEAR MAKEUP.

OUI.YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.

WHERE WAS I?

OH, YEAH. AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON MONSIEUR LE DUKE,

MR. "I'M MARRIED, BUT TEENAGE GIRLS

MAKE ME POP MY JIMMY IN MY FRUIT DE LOOMS."

[CLICK]

Starla: GOOD MORNING, MAMA.

MORNING, BABY.

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN GENEVIEVE?

OH, SHE AND YOUR FATHER LEFT EARLY. HUNTING.

HUNTING? AS IN SHOOTING?

YOU KNOW YOUR DADDY'S ALWAYS WANTED A CHILD

HE COULD KILL THINGS WITH. NOW HE'S FINALLY GOT ONE.

BUT GENEVIEVE HATES SHOOTING.

WELL, YES, BUT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER, STARLA,

SHE IS FRENCH.

THOSE PEOPLE THINK JERRY LEWIS IS A GOD.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

WELL, DARLING...

WHAT DOES ANYTHING HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

MORNING, EVERYONE.

MORNING, Y'ALL.

HEY. YOU GIRLS SLEEP OK?

OH, YEAH!

FINE, THANKS.

CAN I BUM ONE OF THESE OFF YOU, MRS. G?

SURE.

Ashley: WHERE'S GENEVIEVE? STILL SLEEPING?

NO. HER BED'S BEEN EMPTY ALL MORNING.

YOU LITTLE PERV.

OOH, I'M GONNA GET YOU, RANDOLPH!

[ASHLEY LAUGHING]

Randolph: MOM!

EXCUSEZ-MOI, MADEMOISELLE.

Ouù SE TROUVE LA BIBLIOTHaäQUE?

LA BIBLIOTHaäQUE EST AU CENTRE VILLE.

NOUS POURRIONS PEUT-ETRE NOUS Y RETROUVER LA FAIRE L'AMOUR.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, POINDEXTER?

NO PROBLEM. NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

OH. HI, HONEY.

Bootsie: HEY, DADDY.

WELL, THANKS AGAIN FOR COMING OUT WITH ME TODAY, GENEVIEVE.

IT WAS MY PLEASURE, PAPA.

PAPA?

I TOLD HER SHE COULD CALL ME THAT.

SWEETHEART, SHE IS A PART OF THIS FAMILY NOW.

HMM.

[WHIRRING]

[HUMMING]

[SNIFF SNIFF]

OH.

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE READY, STARLA.

MAIS OUI.

YOU'RE GONNA BE SO PROUD, MONSIEUR DUKE.

UH, LET'S START WITH THE DIALOGUE

IN LESSON TROIS.

SHALL WE?

C'EST BONNE.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

SEE? AND YOU THOUGHT

I WASN'T MOTIVATED ENOUGH TO PASS.

STARLA--

WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

STOP RIGHT THERE, YOUNG LADY!

NOW, I REALIZE IT'S NATURAL

TO DEVELOP A CRUSH ON AN OLDER,

MORE EXPERIENCED MAN, BUT I AM MARRIED.

EW! YOU AND ME? YOU WISH, CHEWBACCA.

SIR.

HOW COULD I FLUNK FRENCH?

I WAS TUTORED BY A TOTAL FRENCH GIRL.

STARLA, I JUST HEARD. WHAT HAPPENED?

EVERYTHING WAS FINE,

AND THEN HE ACCUSED ME OF COMING ON TO HIM.

HELLO!

PLEASE, STARLA, DO NOT THINK

OF HOW THIS WILL AFFECT YOUR CHEERLEADING.

OH, MY GOSH. THE HORNETTES.

I'M GONNA GET KICKED OFF.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

Kimmy Sue: I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHO CARES IF YOU CAN SPEAK A LANGUAGE

THAT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO HOCK A LUGIE?

IS THAT REALLY GONNA SERVE YOU BETTER

IN THE REAL WORLD THAN BEING ABLE

TO KICK YOUR HEELS OVER YOUR HEAD?

HEY, YOU'RE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR, MISS SPRINKLE.

CAN'T YOU TEMPORARILY

PUT ONE OF THE GIRLS INTO MY SPOT?

THAT WOULD JUST CREATE AN EMPTY SPACE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

THERE'S A VERY DELICATE BALANCE HERE.

5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4...

UH...THIS IS A CRAZY IDEA, I KNOW,

BUT PERHAPS I COULD STEP IN FOR STARLA,

JUST UNTIL SHE GETS HER GRADES UP.

YOU REPLACE ME?

YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

WELL, NOW WAIT. CAN YOU DANCE?

Man: BUST IT.

[ BUST A MOVE BY YOUNG M.C. PLAYING]

♪ THIS HERE'S A TALE FOR ALL THE FELLAS ♪

♪ TRY TO DO WHAT THOSE LADIES TELL US ♪

♪ GET SHOT DOWN 'CAUSE YOU'RE OVERZEALOUS ♪

♪ PLAY HARD-TO-GET, FEMALES GET JEALOUS ♪

♪ OK, SMARTY, GO TO A PARTY ♪

♪ GIRLS ARE SCANTILY CLAD AND SHOWING BODY ♪

♪ A CHICK WALKS BY, YOU WISH YOU COULD SEX HER ♪

♪ BUT YOU'RE STANDING ON THE WALL LIKE YOU WAS POINDEXTER ♪

♪ NEXT DAY'S FUNCTION, HIGH-CLASS LUNCHEON... ♪

IS THAT OUR GIRL? OOH LA LA.

SHE'S NO STARLA.

THANK YOU, RANDOLPH.

SHE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE A DRAG QUEEN.

♪ SAYS SHE WANT TO DANCE 'CAUSE SHE LIKES TO GROOVE ♪

♪ SO COME ON, FATSO, AND JUST BUST A MOVE ♪

♪ JUST BUST A MOVE

[CROWD GASPS]

♪ JUST BUST A MOVE

[CROWD GASPS]

[CROWD GASPS]

♪ YOU'RE ON A MISSION

♪ AND YOU'RE WISHIN'

♪ SOMEONE COULD CURE YOUR LONELY CONDITION ♪

♪ LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES ♪

♪ NO FINE GIRLS, JUST UGLY FACES ♪

♪ FROM FRUSTRATION, FIRST INCLINATION ♪

♪ IS TO BECOME A MONK AND LEAVE THE SITUATION ♪

♪ MY GIRL RUNS UP WITH SOMETHING TO PROVE ♪

♪ SO DON'T JUST STAND THERE, BUST A MOVE ♪

♪ IF YOU WANT IT, YOU GOT IT... ♪

HEY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? HERE TO GET

YOUR RECOMMENDED DAILY ALLOWANCE

OF HOMOGENIZED BLONDE BIMBO?

HERE TO APOLOGIZE.

I SAID SOME FAIRLY HARSH THINGS.

OH. WELL, APOLOGY FAIRLY ACCEPTED.

GENEVIEVE CAME ON TO ME REAL HARD,

TOUCHING MY KNEE,

GIVING ME THESE FRENCH LOOKS.

I FELL FOR IT.

BUT SHE ONLY DID IT TO GET WHAT SHE WANTED.

I'M BEGINNING TO NOTICE

SHE ALWAYS GETS WHAT SHE WANTS...

AND WHAT I WANT, TOO.

♪ RECEPTION'S JUMPING, BASS IS PUMPING ♪

♪ LOOK AT THE GIRL, AND YOUR HEART STARTS THUMPING ♪

♪ SAYS SHE WANTS TO DANCE TO A DIFFERENT GROOVE ♪

♪ NOW YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO, G, BUST A MOVE ♪

♪ IF YOU WANT IT, YOU GOT IT, HUH ♪

♪ IF YOU WANT IT, BABY, YOU GOT IT ♪

♪ JUST BUST A MOVE

♪ IF YOU WANT IT, YOU GOT IT ♪

WHAT YOU READING?

[MUSIC STOPS]

[APPLAUSE]

OH, I LIKE DICK.

OK, I'LL CUT THE CRAP.

JUST TELL ME WHAT THIS MEANS.

[REPEATING FRENCH FROM EARLIER]

I HAVE A MOUTH LIKE 10 FINGERS

10 FINGERS--

[SCREAMING]

[MOOING]

DAMN! WHERE'S THAT TREACHEROUS SKANK'S

SMOKING-GUN TAPE?!

UH!

UGH!

I NEED A DRINK.

SHE EVEN STOLE MY DIET PEPSI.

WHAT THE HECK?

OK, BITCH. IT'S PAYBACK TIME.

♪ BETTER WATCH OUT

♪ HERE I COME

♪ START IT UP, DADDY, LET'S HAVE SOME FUN ♪

♪ ALL NIGHT LONG

♪ ALL NIGHT LONG

♪ I SAID ALL NIGHT LONG

♪ ALL NIGHT LONG

♪ BETTER KEEP IT UP...

WHERE'S THAT SNAIL-EATING, BORDEAUX-SWILLING,

AMERICAN-FOREIGN-POLICY- OPPOSING,

LEGS-NOT-SHAVEN SLOUCH?

WHOA, THERE, COWGIRL!

SHE IS JUST EVIL!

SHE MADE ME LEARN BOGUS FRENCH SO I'D FLUNK

AND SHE COULD TAKE MY SPOT ON THE HORNETTES!

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF PERSON COULD BE SO...

CALCULATED?

WELL...YOU. THE ONLY REASON

YOU SPONSORED THAT EXCHANGE STUDENT

WAS SO THAT YOU COULD WIN THAT PAGEANT, RIGHT?

WHAT A MEAN THING TO SAY.

OH!

♪ ...CALLS ME SWEET

♪ BUT WHEN IT COMES TO LOVING, I'LL KNOCK YOU OFF YOUR FEET ♪

♪ ALL NIGHT LONG

♪ ALL NIGHT LONG

♪ I SAID ALL NIGHT LONG

♪ ALL NIGHT LONG

♪ YOU BETTER KEEP UP WITH ME, BABY ♪

YOU MESSED WITH THE WRONG KOOZ, FLOOZ.

GET READY TO PARTAY.

OW!

COME ON, BABE. WE'RE JUST DANCING.

THAT'S NOT DANCING!

THAT'S...DRY HUMPING!

OH! SORRY.

THAT'S HOW WE DANCE IN MY COUNTRY.

THEN EVERYONE IN YOUR COUNTRY IS A BIG, FAT WHORE!

MAYBE IF YOU KNEW HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN HAPPY,

HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DANCE WITH A WHORE SUCH AS MYSELF.

OOH...

YOU...TOTAL...

POO--TASH!

[ALL SHOUTING]

BABY, NO! NO!

STARLA, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE

SO NASTY TO GENEVIEVE?

SHE'S BEEN LIKE YOUR SLAVE!

OUI.YOU JUST CAN'T STAND FOR ANYBODY ELSE

TO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF ATTENTION,

YOU STUCK-UP BITCH!

DON'T CALL ME A BITCH...BITCH!

YOU ARE A BITCH...BITCH!

AND WE KNOW YOU CALLED US SLUTS.

YOU ARESLUTS!

[SCREAMING]

Boy: GIRL FIGHT!

[ONLOOKERS CHEERING "GIRL FIGHT!"]

LISTEN TO ME, EVERYBODY!

SHE SET ME UP!

SHE MADE A FAKE TAPE SO THAT I'D FAIL FRENCH

AND SHE COULD TAKE OVER MY LIFE!

J'ACCUSE!

LET'S GET YOU OUT OF HERE.

I'M GONNA GET YOU, KERMIT!

YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

[STOPS ENGINE]

UH...WE'RE HERE.

WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME?

YOU'RE JUST FINDING OUT

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO GET KICKED AROUND.

THAT'S ALL.

BUT WHY IS EVERYBODY SUDDENLY TURNING AGAINST ME?

WELL, YOU'RE A...

YOU'RE A...

I'M SURE YOU'RE A REALLY NICE PERSON

UNDER LAYERS AND LAYERS OF...

STUFF, WHICH YOU KIND OF HAVE TO DIG THROUGH.

BUT...

I LIKE YOU.

YOU DO?

♪ IF I TAKE COMFORT FROM YOU ♪

YEAH.

♪ WOULD YOU HOLD ME TO SOMETHING MORE? ♪

♪ IF I HOLD OUT MY HAND

♪ WOULD YOU START MAKING PLANS FOR US TWO? ♪

UM...WELL...THANKS FOR RESCUING ME BACK THERE...

♪ IF I TAKE COMFORT FROM YOU ♪

EDWIN.

♪ OH, IT'S TOO MUCH FOR THIS GIRL ♪

♪ I COULD NEVER BE WHAT YOU SEE IN ME ♪

♪ BUT DON'T GO GET THE IDEA I'D TURN AWAY ♪

♪ OR I WOULDN'T CARE

WOW.

CUTE OUTFIT. LOOKING GREAT.

HOW'S IT GOING?

YOU NEVER RETURN MY CALLS.

HEY, GENEVIEVE.

OH, GOOD MORNING, STARLA.

I LOVE YOUR NEW PERFUME.

WHAT'S THAT CALLED?

I REMEMBER. IT'S CALLED OVER.

OH, YEAH?

OH, AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW,

YOUR BERET LOOKS TOTALLY RETARDED!

COME ON. LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

♪ SHE WAS A WIDE-EYED GIRL ♪

♪ HER LIPS, AS SWEET AS A TANGERINE ♪

♪ BUT ONLY LORD KNOWS WHY SHE WANT TO FUCK WITH ME ♪

[TV PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

♪ FRENCH BITCH

♪ YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME

♪ STOLE MY MAN 'CAUSE SHE FELT THE NEED TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ♪

♪ YOU'VE GIVEN HER CANDY AND YOU'VE GIVEN HER SNOW ♪

♪ BUT THE DIRTY LITTLE MOTHERLOVER WON'T LET GO ♪

♪ FRENCH BITCH

♪ YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME

♪ STOLE MY MAN 'CAUSE SHE FELT THE NEED TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ♪

♪ YOU'VE GIVEN HER CANDY AND YOU'VE GIVEN HER SNOW ♪

♪ SHE WAS A WIDE-EYED GIRL ♪

[SONG CONTINUES]

♪ AND NOW SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE MY MAN ♪

♪ FROM UNDERNEATH MY NAILS ♪

[SONG CONTINUES]

♪ FRENCH BITCH

[GENEVIEVE READING ANNOUNCEMENTS]

Starla: WHAT ELSE COULD SHE TAKE FROM ME,

OTHER THAN MY LIFE?

I WAS GONNA GET THIS LEECH BEFORE SHE SUCKED ME DRY.

PLEASE FIND GENEVIEVE LePLOUFF, PARIS, FRANCE.

ANY INFORMATION,

PLEASE E-MAIL ME AT SUPERSTARLA.COM.

[SIGHS]

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?

J'AI MAL AGI, ET J'AI TRaäS HONTE DE MOI.

JE T'EN SUPPLIE. PARDONNEZ-MOI.

I DON'T SPEAK FRENCH!

STARLA, WAIT.

I HAVE DONE DESPICABLE THINGS,

BUT ONLY BECAUSE I WAS DAZZLED

BY THE BEAUTY OF YOUR LIFE.

PLEASE DO NOT KISS MY KNEES.

THAT IS JUST TOO SQUIRRELY FOR WORDS.

I AM MALICE AFORETHOUGHT,

THE DAUGHTER OF EVIL,

THE WHORE OF BABYLON.

I KNOW YOU COULD NEVER FORGIVE ME,

BUT AT LEAST LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN.

EXPLAIN WHAT?!

NOT LONG AGO, I HAD A BEAUTIFUL FAMILY MYSELF.

AND THEN PIECE BY PIECE,

MY LIFE FELL APART LIKE A DRY CROISSANT.

BUT THEN I CAME HERE, AND YOU OPENED UP YOUR LIMBS

AND WELCOMED ME TO YOUR FAMILY'S WARM BOSOM,

AND LET ME INTO YOUR WORLD.

AND THEN, POOF...

THANKS TO YOU, I HAD A NEW FAMILY.

I ADMIRED YOU SO MUCH. I ADORED YOU.

AND THEN...AND THEN I WANTED TO BE YOU.

YOUR LIFE IS LIKE A FAIRY TALE.

YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND SO SOPHISTIQUE

AND SO CHARMANTE-- EVERYTHING I WASN'T.

I BECAME OBSESSED. I WAS SO JEALOUS OF YOU.

YOU POOR THING.

IT MUST HAVE BEEN HARD.

I TRIED TO TAKE YOUR FAMILY AWAY.

HOW CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?

I ALMOST FEEL GUILTY MY LIFE WAS SO PERFECT.

NO WONDER YOU WERE JEALOUS.

DON'T BLAME YOURSELF.

IT IS NOT YOU WHO SHOULD FEEL GUILTY.

I KNOW THIS SOUNDS STRANGE, BUT...

IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU

TOTALLY MESSING UP MY LIFE,

I WOULD HAVE NEVER REALIZED

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO NOT BE THE BEST.

AND HEY, WHO KNOWS?

MAYBE IT'LL MAKE ME AN EVEN BETTER PERSON.

I WILL MAKE EVERYTHING RIGHT.

I SWEAR IT, ON THE GRAVES OF MON PaäRE

AND MY BELOVED JEAN-MARIE.

I MUST, OR I WILL LOSE MY SOUL.

THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO EXTINGUISH MY GUILT.

I MUST COME CLEANLY.

THE TAPE.

OH, STARLA, THAT OUTFIT SUITS YOU SO WELL.

I'M SO HAPPY THAT WE ARE FRIENDS ONCE AGAIN.

[KISS KISS]

ME, TOO. BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.

LET'S HURRY UP.

WE DON'T WANT TO BE LATE FOR FRENCH CLASS.

DON'T WORRY.

AFTER MY CONFESSION, YOU WILL ONCE MORE

BE THE PRINCESS OF SPLENDONA HIGH.

TRUST ME. I WILL MAKE SURE

EVERYONE WILL KNOW THE TRUTH.

OH, LET ME DO THAT.

I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO GET MY LIFE BACK.

HEY, STARLA, GOOD TO SEE YOU BACK.

I LOVE YOUR SHOES!

HOWDY, Y'ALL.

BEAUTIFUL DAY.

[VOICES ECHOING]

UH...

HIYA.

CAN'T IT WAIT? WE'RE ON OUR WAY TO--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH HER?

IT'S LIKE A MIRACLE. SHE TURNED OVER THE TAPE,

AND SHE'S GONNA CONFESS EVERYTHING.

ARE YOU OK?

SURE. I NEVER FELT BETTER.

SHE WENT THROUGH THIS WHOLE CATHOLIC THING--

KISSING MY KNEES AND CALLING HERSELF A WHORE.

IT WAS LIKE TAXICAB CONFESSIONS.

WE'RE GONNA GET EVERYTHING STRAIGHTENED AWAY.

I'LL BE HEAD HORNETTE AGAIN.

KYLE AND I WILL GET BACK TOGETHER.

I'LL BE A LOCK FOR THE JUNIOR ANCHORPERSONS COMPETITION.

YOU'D TAKE KYLE BACK?

WELL, YEAH.

WHAT?

NOTHING.

HOPE IT ALL WORKS OUT.

YOU DESERVE IT.

FREAK.

WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

[DISTORTED VOICES]

WOW.

[MONSIEUR DUKE SPEAKING FRENCH]

YOUNG LADY, YOU ARE NO LONGER A MEMBER OF MY CLASS.

NOW, I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE FROM YOU,

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST TURN AROUND--

UNO MOMENTO, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.

GENEVIEVE HAS A LITTLE SOMETHING

SHE WANTS TO GET OFF HER CHEST.

GO ON. TELL THEM WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.

PLAY THIS TAPE.

STARLA, I WON'T HAVE YOU DISRUPTING THIS CLASS.

MONSIEUR DUKE, SOME THINGS ARE

A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN FRENCH CLASS.

IN FACT... MOST THINGS ARE.

HA HA HA!

PLAY THIS TAPE! NOW!

IMMéDIATEMENT. ANDELE.

Genevieve: PLEASE, DO AS SHE SAYS.

PLAY THE TAPE, I BEG YOU.

Starla's voice: THE WHOLE SCHOOL

IS NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF PHONY POSERS,

A NEST OF USERS, LOSERS, AND SELF-ABUSERS.

ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT TAPE.

I THINK WE'D ALL LIKE TO HEAR THE REST.

[SCREAMING]

STARLA!

Starla's voice: DON'T GET ME STARTED ON MONSIEUR LE DUKE,

MR. "I'M MARRIED, BUT TEENAGE GIRLS

MAKE MY POP MY JIMMY IN MY FRUIT DE LOOMS."

AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

I HEARD THAT ON THE WEEKENDS,

HE AND HIS WIFE MARILYN GET TOGETHER WITH THE NEIGHBORS,

AND THEY TAKE OFF ALL THEIR CLOTHES, AND THEY--

THAT'LL BE ENOUGH OF THAT.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! SHE SWITCHED THE TAPES!

AND I SUPPOSE THAT WASN'T YOUR VOICE WE WERE HEARING?

AAH!

[SCREAMING]

[SHOUTING IN FRENCH]

SHE'S GOT A KNIFE, AND SHE'S HIGH!

YOU BITCH!

[SCREAMING]

SECURITé! SECURITé!

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

[DOOR OPENS]

COME WITH ME.

[VOMITS]

OH, MY. COME ON.

HA HA HA...

COME ON.

IF THESE TURN OUT GOOD, COULD I ORDER PRINTS?

THIS IS SHERIFF RONALD FLINKMAN

OF THE SPLENDONA SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT.

Genevieve: OH, UH...

ATTENDEZ-VOUS, S'IL VOUS PLAIT.

Bootsie: HELLO.

MISS GRADY, THIS IS SHERIFF FLINKMAN.

OH, YES. WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOUR CALL

EVER SINCE THE SCHOOL PHONED US ABOUT OUR STARLA.

THEN YOU KNOW SHE'S PROBABLY IN A SPOT OF TROUBLE?

YOU MIGHT WANT TO COME DOWN HERE AND PICK HER UP.

WELL, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, OFFICER,

I TALKED IT OVER WITH MY HUSBAND, ARNIE,

AND WE BOTH FEEL A LITTLE TOUGH LOVE

MIGHT BE IN ORDER.

WOULD IT BE OK WITH YOU, DARLING,

IF WE JUST SORT OF LET STARLA COOL HER HEELS

IN THE SLAMMER FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS?

WOULD IT BE OK? WELL, HELL, YEAH.

VERY GOOD, THEN.

THANK YOU, SHERIFF FLINK...MAN.

BYE.

AT LAST... A PARENT WHO CARES.

WHO WAS THAT?

STARLA. SHE CALLED TO SAY

SHE'D BE WORKING ALL NIGHT WITH ED,

REHEARSING HER NEWS PIECE FOR THE COMPETITION,

AND SHE'LL MEET US THERE TOMORROW.

OH.

OK.

AM I GETTING OUT OF HERE?

I'M SORRY, HONEY. NOT YET.

BUT WE'RE GONNA LET YOU GET ALL CLEANED UP.

JUST BEING IN HERE MAKES ME FEEL DIRTY.

TO BE HONEST, I COULD USE A NICE, HOT BATH.

ARE YOU TELLING ME

NONE OF Y'ALL HAS GOT ANY CREAM RINSE?

DEAR GOD...

I PROMISE, IF YOU LET ME OUT OF HERE,

TO BECOME A SWEETER...

MORE CARING AND CONSIDERATE PERSON.

THANK YOU, GOD, FOR GIVING ME THIS CELL ALL TO MYSELF.

I TAKE THAT AS A SIGN.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SNORING]

[WOMAN FARTING]

UGH!

[DOOR OPENS]

NOW WHAT?

YOU ARE FREE, DARLING.

OH!

WHERE'S MOM AND DAD?

GENEVIEVE TOLD THEM THAT YOU'D MEET THEM

AT THE JUNIOR ANCHORPERSON COMPETITION.

SO THEY LET ME ROT IN PRISON?

WELL, THEY DIDN'T REALLY KNOW.

WELL, THEN WHO BAILED ME OUT?

I DID.

YOU? HOW?

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED THIS.

ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT YOUR BROKE YOUR PIGGY BANK FOR ME?

YEAH. WELL, SOMEBODY HAD TO DO SOMETHING.

WHY? YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE ME.

NOBODY FUCKS WITH MY FAMILY

AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.

NOW LET'S GO.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

TO THE CAR.

YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR.

SOMEONE ELSE DOES.

[SIGHS] IF YOU'RE HERE TO TELL ME

WHAT A JERK I AM, TAKE A NUMBER.

NO, BUT BEFORE WE MOVE ON,

I HAVE TO SAY...

YOU WERE MONUMENTALLY CRUEL TO ME.

I KNOW.

BUT CAN WE PLEASE HURRY?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE COMPETITION.

THERE'S A PIECE OF INFORMATION YOU SHOULD KNOW.

UH...THIS CAME IN YOUR E-MAIL.

I THINK YOU MIGHT LIKE TO READ IT.

"GENEVIEVE LePLOUFF WAS A STUDENT AT OUR SCHOOL

"WHO GRADUATED IN 1939.

"YOU'LL FIND HER GRAVE AT THE CEMETERY IN PARIS,

"JUST 3 HEADSTONES BEHIND JIM MORRISON

AND 2 HEADSTONES TO THE RIGHT OF BALZAC."

WHAT?!

WHERE'D YOU FIND THIS GIRL, ANYWAY?

I DIDN'T FIND HER! SHE FOUND ME!

WHO IS SHE?

THERE'S MORE.

SPIT IT OUT!

SORRY. WHAT IS IT?

I THINK LAFIEND IS TRYING TO STEAL

YOUR PLACE IN THE COMPETITION.

I OVERHEARD HER PRACTICING YOUR PIECE.

WHAT?!

THAT COW IS INCREDIBLE!

SHE'S AN ICE-COLD PRO.

YEAH? WELL, I'M GONNA KICK HER ICE-COLD ASS!

WHAT?

"KICK HER ICE-COLD ASS."

ICE...COW...ASS.

ICE COW ASS! ICE COW ASS!

COME ON! TAKE ME HOME!

Man: WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO THE K.E.H.A. STUDIOS

JUNIOR ANCHORPERSONS COMPETITION.

THE WINNER OF THE JUNIOR ANCHORPERSONS COMPETITION

WILL BE AWARDED A SCHOLARSHIP

TO STUDY BROADCASTING AT WELLESLEY COLLEGE,

AND WHO KNOWS,

THE BIG CHANCE TO REACH FAME AND FORTUNE.

OUR FIRST CONTESTANT

IS SUSAN DOUGLAS FROM THOMPKINS HIGH

WITH "MULCH, THE GARDENER'S FRIEND."

Girl: MY NAME IS SUSAN DOUGLAS,

AND MY STORY TONIGHT IS IMPORTANT

BECAUSE THE WORLD NEEDS MULCH.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[TIRES SCREECH]

YES!

WHERE IS STARLA?

MAMAN,I HAVE BEEN THINKING.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS FOR THE SHOW TO GO ON.

I WILL FILL IN FOR STARLA IF SHE'S NOT HERE IN TIME.

CAN YOU DO THAT?

OUI, PAPA.I HAVE GIVEN THE JUDGES

A GOOD TALKING-TO.

I THINK IT'S WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE WANTED.

[TIRES SCREECH]

I'M GONNA PUT A 2-SECOND DISSOLVE IN HERE, OK?

YEAH. WHATEVER.

[TYPING]

Thomas: NEXT UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WILL BE DOREEN GILMORE OF SPLENDONA HIGH

WITH "COLOR-BLIND."

[BLEATING AND HISSING]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

TONIGHT, I'M GONNA INTRODUCE YOU TO THE HASKEL FAMILY--

JAMES, LERLENE, AND THEIR 7-YEAR-OLD SON RONNY.

RONNY HASN'T SEEN MUCH TRAGEDY OR PAIN IN HIS YOUNG LIFE,

BUT AS YOU'LL DISCOVER TONIGHT,

IT'S WHAT HE DOESN'T SEE THAT TRULY HURTS.

Doreen's voice: HE WAS LIKE ANY CHILD,

FULL OF LIFE AND LAUGHTER,

BUT EARLY ON, LERLENE NOTICED HER SON WAS NOT LIKE ANY CHILD.

RONNY WAS HELPING ME SET THE TABLE FOR DINNER,

AND I SAID, "RONNY, BRING MAMA THE KETCHUP."

AND HE SAID, "WHICH ONE'S THAT?"

AND I SAID, "THE RED ONE, DARLING."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

HE BROUGHT ME THE MUSTARD.

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

Doreen's voice: THE DIAGNOSIS WAS HORRIFYING.

LITTLE RONNY WAS COLOR-BLIND.

LITTLE RONNY'S OLDER BROTHER, AS WELL AS HIS FATHER,

HAD BEEN VERY UPSET BY LERLENE'S REACTION...

[VOICE FADES]

THIS IS IT.

I'D BETTER HURRY AND DELIVER THIS TAPE.

WAIT.

I MEAN...

I'VE WANTED TO BE AN ANCHORPERSON MY WHOLE LIFE.

WHAT IF I'M NO GOOD? WHAT IF I FAIL?

[SIGHS]

WHAT IF THE BEST I CAN DO...IS CABLE?

WHAT? DO I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY FACE?

YOU JUST MAKE ME LAUGH, THAT'S ALL.

GO GET 'EM, CABLE GIRL.

WELL, AS NIETZSCHE SAYS,

THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL US

ONLY MAKES US STRONGER.

THANKS...I THINK.

[SIGHS]

Doreen: THAT IS A QUESTION FOR THE EXPERTS.

ON A PERSONAL NOTE, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY TO Y'ALL

LITTLE RONNY IS SO YOUNG...SO YOUNG.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF GOD DOES THIS.

THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

DUDE, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE.

...A SUBSTITUTION IN THE ENTRIES.

TAKING THE PLACE OF STARLA GRADY

WILL BE GENEVIEVE LePLOUFF.

[APPLAUSE]

YOU GOT THE WRONG TAPE FOR STARLA GRADY.

THIS IS THE RIGHT ONE.

Thomas: GENEVIEVE LePLOUFF, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

WITH "MISSING GIRL."

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

THANKS, MAN.

TONIGHT, I'M STANDING IN FOR STARLA GRADY,

WHO HAS SHOWN ME SO MUCH LOVE.

IT PAINS ME TO REPORT

THAT STARLA COULD NOT BE HERE TONIGHT

BECAUSE SHE HAS SUFFERED A TEMPORARY SETBACK

IN HER ONGOING BATTLE WITH...DRUG ADDICTION.

WHAT?

TODAY SHE'S IN PRISON, STRUNG-OUT AND DISGRACED,

HER ONCE-PROUD REPUTATION IN TATTERS.

IT SEEMS THAT STARLA HAS HAD A DOUBLE IDENTITY.

SHE DECEIVED HER FRIENDS AND FAMILY

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, COULD NOT DECEIVE HERSELF.

HOW DID SHE PAY FOR THIS ADDICTION?

I WILL SIMPLY SAY THAT PROSTITUTION

IS ONE OF THE MOST ANCIENT FORMS OF COMMERCE.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

WHAT?!

GIVE ME STRENGTH.

MY SUBJECT IS THE TRAGEDY OF MISSING CHILDREN.

TONIGHT I'LL TELL YOU THE HEARTBREAKING STORY

OF ONE LITTLE GIRL WHO HAS BEEN MISSING FOR TOO LONG.

VIDEO, PLEASE.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THIS MISSING GIRL.

HONEY.

IT'S GENEVIEVE LePLOUFF, THE FRENCH EXCHANGE STUDENT

WE HAVE ALL COME TO KNOW AND LOVE.

RIGHT?

OR IS SHE SOMEONE ELSE?

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

LOOK AGAIN.

MANY OF YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE

THIS LITTLE MISS OF A GIRL.

IT'S CLARISSA FOGELSEY,

FORMERLY OF SPLENDONA, TEXAS.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

OH, MY GOD!

YEAH, YOU GO, GIRL.

[AUDIENCE TALKING EXCITEDLY]

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CLARISSA?

[TEXAS ACCENT] OH, YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER BITCH!

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

OK, THAT IS NOT FRENCH.

THAT'S NOT EVEN EUROPEAN.

DAMN YOU, STARLA GRADY!

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT NOT REMEMBER CLARISSA,

THIS CLIP COURTESY OF THE ARCHIVES

OF MY FATHER, MR. ARNOLD GRADY,

MIGHT REFRESH YOUR MEMORY.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Starla: IT WAS IN THIRD GRADE,

AT THE HARVEST FESTIVAL,

WHEN LITTLE CLARISSA HAD A MOST UNFORTUNATE ENCOUNTER

WITH THE ICE COW.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I REMEMBER THAT.

HA HA HA!

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO CLARISSA

AFTER SHE WAS CAUGHT KISSING THE ICE COW'S ASS?

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

NOW WE KNOW THE TRUTH.

CLARISSA'S FAMILY MOVED TO FRANCE.

SURELY SOME OF YOU REMEMBER.

ONE DAY, FOR SOME REASON,

SHE CREATED GENEVIEVE LePLOUFF

AND RETURNED TO SPLENDONA,

WHERE ME AND MY FAMILY

UNKNOWINGLY TOOK HER IN,

GAVE HER LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING.

AND WHAT DID SHE DO?

SHE WAGED A SMEAR CAMPAIGN AGAINST ME.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

YES, IT'S TRUE. I ADMIT IT.

I WANTED TO RUIN YOUR LIFE,

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

BECAUSE YOU RUINED MINE!

SEE? YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER, DO YOU?

IT WAS YOU WHO TOLD ME TO KISS

THAT ICE COW'S ASS FOR GOOD LUCK,

AND I FELL FOR IT!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

IS THAT SO FUNNY?

EVEN AFTER MY FAMILY MOVED AWAY,

THE PAIN REMAINED!

DON'T YOU SEE? SHE RUINED MY LIFE!

I'M THE VICTIM HERE.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Girl: GET OVER IT!

NO, NO.

SHE'S RIGHT.

[SIGHS]

I...STARLA GRADY...

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR CLARISSA'S PAIN.

CLARISSA, I'M SORRY.

COME ON, SPLENDONA.

HELP ME EMBRACE CLARISSA

AND LET HER KNOW THAT HER LONG NIGHTMARE IS OVER.

WELCOME HOME, CLARISSA!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

AMAZING. SHE'S EVEN LOCKED THIS ONE UP.

YOU MANIPULATIVE BRAT. YOU USED ME AGAIN.

LOOK AT YOU, SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS,

SO PERFECT.

YOU'RE A BIGGER FAKE THAN I COULD EVER BE.

WHY, CLARISSA, WHATEVER ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

YOU HUMILIATED ME IN FRONT OF

THIS PIECE OF CRAP TOWN ALL OVER AGAIN

JUST TO WIN SOME STUPID COMPETITION!

[AUDIENCE GROANS]

WE'RE JUST ALIKE, YOU AND ME.

WE BOTH CREATED OURSELVES,

AND WE BOTH USE OTHER PEOPLE AS A MEANS TO GET WHAT WE WANT.

YOU KNOW, YOU ALWAYS WERE A BAD LOSER!

OH, I HATE YOU.

I HATE YOU AND THIS TOWN

AND ALL THE PATHETIC INBREDS THAT LIVE HERE!

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

SAY WHAT YOU WANT ABOUT ME,

BUT DON'T MESS WITH SPLENDONA!

OH!

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

STARLA.

STARLA!

STARLA!

STARLA! STARLA.

I WAS A JERK.

I WAS A COMPLETE JERK.

I WAS SEDUCED BY LAFIEND.

BUT IT'S YOU WHO I LOVE.

HOW CAN I MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

[SIGHS]

KYLE... OH...

KYLE...

BEAUTIFUL KYLE...

OH, THANK YOU, BABY.

DO I HAVE THE WORD "DOORMAT"

STAMPED ACROSS MY FOREHEAD,

YOU ENORMOUS BONEHEAD?!

YOU ARE SO FIRED AS MY BOYFRIEND!

UH!

[WHIMPERING]

SLAPPING PEOPLE IS FUN.

ED.

Thomas: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

THE JUDGES HAVE COMPLETED THEIR DELIBERATIONS.

Arnie: BABY.

COME HERE. COME ON.

HONEY, COME ON.

WHAT WE SAW HERE TODAY

WERE, IN PARTS, TRULY UNUSUAL PRESENTATIONS.

BUT I'M VERY HAPPY TO SAY

THAT THE DECISION WAS COMPLETELY UNANIMOUS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S START...

ED! ED!

HEY! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU KNOW, I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING.

THIS IS YOUR WORLD. THERE'S NO PLACE FOR ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

STARLA, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK IN

AND RECEIVE YOUR AWARD? YOU WORKED SO HARD FOR IT.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE COMPETITION ANYMORE.

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THE STARLA I KNOW.

WELL...PEOPLE CAN CHANGE.

Thomas: AND NOW, THE WINNER

OF THE JUNIOR ANCHORPERSONS AWARD

AND THE RECIPIENT OF A FULL SCHOLARSHIP

TO STUDY BROADCASTING AT WELLESLEY COLLEGE IS...

DOREEN GILMORE FOR "COLOR-BLIND."

WHAT?!

COME ON UP HERE, DOREEN.

THAT SNEAKY PSEUDO-SENTIMENTAL FAKE

IS STEALING MYSHOW?!

I GUESS IT DOESN'T MATTER...DOES IT?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT THE HELL?

I'M SPEECHLESS.

THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH OUT THERE.

THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

Starla: NEXT FALL, I'M GOING TO WELLESLEY COLLEGE,

WITHOUT A SCHOLARSHIP.

I MEAN, IF DOREEN GILMORE THINKS SHE CAN KEEP ME

FROM SITTING ON A COUCH WITH KATIE COURIC,

SHE'S GOT ANOTHER THING COMING.

I KNOW. I KNOW. THERE'S ROOM FOR EVERYONE.

I TOLD RANDOLPH THAT I WAS A VEGETARIAN.

HE WAS SURPRISINGLY ACCEPTING.

HE TOLD ME THAT HE'D BEEN PUTTING BLANKS

IN DADDY'S GUNS FOR YEARS.

THAT WAS A NICE MOMENT.

[COWS MOOING]

IT'S COOL WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN YOU STOP BEING WHO YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

AND START BEING WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

I MEAN, WHO EVER THOUGHT

A BLUE-EYED GEEK FROM UPSTATE NEW YORK NAMED EDWIN

WOULD BE THE FIRST PERSON TO TAKE ME OVER THE STATE LINE?

STARLA?

BONJOUR,Y'ALL.

♪ BUST IT

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY LIONS GATE ENTERTAINMENT

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--

♪ BUST IT

♪ YOU WANT IT

♪ YOU GOT IT

♪ YOU WANT IT, BABY, YOU GOT IT ♪

♪ YOU WANT IT

♪ YOU GOT IT

♪ IF YOU WANT IT, BABY, YOU GOT IT ♪

♪ YOU WANT IT

♪ YOU GOT IT

♪ IF YOU WANT IT, BABY, YOU GOT IT ♪

♪ SHE WAS A WIDE-EYED GIRL

♪ HER LIPS, AS SWEET AS A TANGERINE ♪

♪ BUT ONLY LORD KNOWS WHY SHE WANT TO FUCK WITH ME ♪

♪ I'LL BRING ENOUGH TO HER HOUSE ♪

♪ BUT I'VE BEEN KEEPIN' CLEAN

♪ FRENCH BITCH

♪ YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME

♪ STOLE MY MAN 'CAUSE SHE FELT THE NEED TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ♪

♪ YOU'VE GIVEN HER CANDY AND YOU'VE GIVEN HER SNOW ♪

♪ BUT THE DIRTY LITTLE MOTHERLOVER WON'T LET GO ♪

♪ FRENCH BITCH

♪ YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME

♪ STOLE MY MAN 'CAUSE SHE FELT THE NEED TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ♪

♪ YOU'VE GIVEN HER CANDY AND YOU'VE GIVEN HER SNOW ♪

♪ SHE WAS A WIDE-EYED GIRL ♪

[SONG CONTINUES]

♪ AND NOW SHE'S TRYING TO TAKE MY MAN ♪

♪ FROM UNDERNEATH MY NAILS ♪

[SONG CONTINUES]

♪ FRENCH BITCH

♪ YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME

♪ STOLE MY MAN 'CAUSE SHE FELT THE NEED TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ♪

♪ YOU'VE GIVEN HER CANDY AND YOU'VE GIVEN HER SNOW ♪

♪ BUT THE DIRTY LITTLE MOTHERLOVER WON'T LET GO ♪

♪ FRENCH BITCH

♪ YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME

♪ STOLE MY MAN 'CAUSE SHE FELT THE NEED TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ♪

♪ YOU'VE GIVEN HER CANDY AND YOU'VE GIVEN HER SNOW ♪

♪ BUT THE DIRTY LITTLE MOTHERLOVER WON'T LET GO ♪

♪ FRENCH BITCH

♪ YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME

♪ STOLE MY MAN 'CAUSE SHE FELT THE NEED TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ♪

♪ YOU'VE GIVEN HER CANDY AND YOU'VE GIVEN HER SNOW ♪

[SONG CONTINUES]