All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S06E03

I-I can see you! Can you see me?

Finally! How many days has it been?

Yeah, sorry about that.

We ended up having to
extend our research trip.

But it was totally worth
it because we discovered

a new breed of fly
that mates with itself.

Yummm! Mm.

Well, I guess if this
is what you look like

after finding some gross fly,

I can forgive you for
being away for so long.

I've actually been bench
pressing 100-pound tortoises

because there's no gym here.

Ted! Stop making me jealous of turtles.

Tortoises, but I do have tur-tell you

that I've been thinking
about you, a lot,

especially at nighttime.

What a coincidence.

I've been thinking about you a lot.

At nighttime.

I've been all alone and lonely.

Oh!

Oh my God, David! Knock much?!

Ted: Hi, David!

Hi. Is he dressed?

- Yes!
- Ugh. Forget it.

Okay, we're celebrating our anniversary.

Can you give us some privacy, please?

Kids, just wanna let you know

I'm taking the car this morning.

- Ugh!
- Mm.

You might wanna say hi to Ted.

He and Alexis were about
to engage in cyber-sex.

Mm!

- Hi, Ted.
- Hi, Mr. Rose.

Moira: Alexis, what have I told you

about putting your body on the internet?

Never! Never without proper lighting.

Can everyone get out, please?!

I haven't seen my boyfriend
in like eight days.

And I haven't seen my
furry Fendi's for weeks.

- Hi, Mrs. Rose!
- No. We're not engaging with them.

Everybody out so I can
finish off with Ted!

- Sick!
- Ugh! Goodbye, please!

Found them!

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

What took you so long?

Uh, you said it was an emergency,

so I came straight here.
You stopped for coffee?

And a breakfast burrito
that I got to go.

So what's going on?

I need you to help me...

put together an outfit.

'Kay, I have a job
interview this afternoon

and I need to look professional.

So, does that mean you're
officially leaving the motel?

No. just, I don't know,

I'm just, you know, trying
to see what's out there.

- Mm.
- And...

Larry Air is hosting an open call

for employment opportunities.

Okay, "Larrierre" sounds
like a dollar-store perfume.

It's an airline.

Larry is the name of the CEO.

He used to own a chain of delis,

but then he sold them

- to buy a bunch of planes.
- Mm.

I get to travel, see the world.

Mhmm. You know that I was once told

that I would make an
excellent flight attendant.

Hmm! By who?

Sandy, the hostess on our private plane.

She once let me de-bone a branzino

- during turbulence.
- So what're you trying to say?

You don't think I have what it
takes to be a flight attendant?

No. I just think if it's
between the two of us,

we all know who's getting the job.

Oh! Okay.

Why don't you come with me then and...

and we'll see who gets it.

Well, if this is what
we're working with,

I think we can hand
me the contract today.

I need a boot.

Johnny: I think the pitch
for the new motel went well.

If all goes to plan,

we should be able to move
forward even without Stevie.

I want you to know, Johnny,

I am not gonna abandon you like she did.

- Stevie didn't abandon us.
- Well, jump ship.

Look, origami!

All right, gentlemen,
I spoke with my manager

and everyone's in agreement

that this proposal is excellent.

Ah! That sounds good!

Unfortunately, we couldn't
offer the loan at this time.

Sorry, I might've gotten confused there.

The bank has assessed that
you don't have enough assets

to secure the loan.

I have assets. I'm
invested in the motel.

Which doesn't appear to be in your name.

That's right, it's in my partner's name.

So, you're Stevie Budd?

No. Believe it or not,

that's actually a woman's name.

Look, there must be
something we can do here.

I ran a major business for 30 years.

Yeah, and look at the
way this guy bounced back

from total financial ruin.

You know, there was a day when banks

would provide loans based solely

on their faith in a
very solid business idea.

That's gonna be a tough sell to my boss.

We don't offer faith-based loans.

Okay, uh, I did not
wanna play this card,

but... I will.

- I am the mayor.
- You already mentioned that.

'Kay, did I mention I
went steady with your mom?

Unfortunately, you did.

Okay, then I'm out. I got nothing.

Honey, you're home!

Yay!

Alexis!

Your father and I are going
to meet for a celebratory lunch

when he's done at the bank, and...

I was supposed to invite you to join us.

Yeah, I'm a little busy.

What in God's name do you have there?

Please tell me it's not a testudine.

No, it's a turtle.

Alexis! Turtles do not pets make.

The poor things are riddled
with a myriad of diseases.

You may as well tie a leash
around a raw chicken cutlet.

Relax, they said he's
already been washed.

Say hello to Ted.

Hello, Theodore. I
don't see the computer.

No, I've named the turtle Ted.

All the blogs about successful
long-term relationships

say that the key is
creating shared experiences.

Oh dear.

If your coupling is
too frangible to survive

this brief disunion...

Okay, I am trying my best.

Is this supposed to be
making me feel better?

Oh, very well. Alexis,

if you desire a love with longevity,

the key is to have as
little in common as possible.

After an award-worthy
trilogy of decades together,

your father and I still
astonish each other.

Although today, I
will but feign surprise

when he tells me he's
secured a hefty loan

to initiate our imminent
connecting departure

from this lengthy layover.

You'll be coming with?

No. I have to give Ted his pellets,

and then put him down for a little nap.

Sexy.

Mm! Mm!

Now is this look comfortable
for you, or uncomfortable?

Uh, you dress for the job you want.

So you wanna be a youth pastor?

Hi. Wow. While, that joke
was surprisingly sharp,

these are Patrick's clothes.

So, you might wanna tell
that to my fiancé's face.

Mm. "Larry Air, recent improvements:

all chairs will have tray tables,

not just first class."

I feel like I'm flying on the Concorde.

You can leave any time. I'm
fine to do this on my own.

How will I get the job
if I leave now though?

All right, everyone,

If you could please follow
me, we're ready to get started.

Thank you so much.

Well, it is so exciting to see

how much interest there is in Larry Air.

Oh, I should mention, if
anyone here is involved

in the class-action
lawsuit against Larry Air,

you are disqualified from applying.

All right, why don't we go around,

and I'll have each
of you state your name

and tell us what you consider
your biggest weakness.

Ooh!

Me? Um... Stevie Budd,

and um...

I'd say my biggest weakness is...

- that I'm disorganized.
- Ooh, that's true.

- And, um, I'm indecisive.
- Yes.

- Uh... I also...
- Okay.

We just needed one. Next?

Hi. David Rose.

Would we consider loyalty a weakness?

If not, I'm also really honest.

I'm just gonna put down chatty.

- Okay.
- Hmph.

Well, she said there
was nothing she could do.

Apparently, I don't have enough assets.

Yeah, she said apparently

Johnny doesn't have enough assets.

Yeah, and the problem is,
how do you get assets...

- without the loan?
- But the the problem is,

how do you get assets without a loan?

Roland, you're not adding
anything to the sentence,

you're just repeating what I said.

Anyway, I don't know how long
this will set us back, Moira.

Could be another year or two
before we make any headway.

Oh, surely there's some
penny-wise townsperson

with a hidden rainy-day reservoir.

Well, you know, uh, I don't
wanna be the town gossip here,

but, uh, the other day,
I got a look at Bob's

financial statement on
his desk in the office,

and that garage is doing great!

Plus, he got plugs last year, but...
you didn't hear that from me.

You know, come to think of it,

Gwen has been coming to rehearsal

in those fancy yoga
clothes. Those are not cheap.

I know because I buy the knockoffs,

- and they're not cheap.
- Bob...

You know, he was very interested

in that bagel business a while ago,

and this is a much stronger idea.

Roland and I are having dinner

with Bob and Gwen tonight.

- Bob!
- Hey, folks.

Bob!

Oh, look at you, Robert,

with the hides of a herd
of Holstein on your back.

Yeah. Sorry, uh,
I don't have time to chat. Uh...

I just had two cups of coffee,

uh, I don't wanna push my luck.

I mean, uh, these pants,

they take like a year to unlace, so...

Rose's, I hope you like fish,

'cause I think we just
reeled in a big one.

Hey, Alexis. Another
green smoothie, no greens?

Um... yeah, if you're making one.

No. I'm asking if you want one.

Okay, Twy, I didn't
like leave anything behind

when I popped by earlier, did I?

I don't think so, but if
you tell me what you lost,

I can ask George if anyone turned it in?

No, it's, it's nothing.
It's just a turtle.

- What?
- His name is Ted

and he's gone. And I can't
remember where I put him,

and I thought it was in the motel,

but he could've like
crawled out of my purse

when I brought him by the cafe earlier.

Okay.

Turtles are actually kind
of like huge health hazards,

so when did you last see him?

'Kay, it's been weeks.

But between the patchy Wi-Fi

and like the ten-day nature trips,

and me being alone here,
kind of feels like he left

the day that he flew to the Galapagos.

The turtle flew to the Galapagos?

No, Ted the turtle is missing,

I am now talking about
my boyfriend Ted, Twy.

It'd be great if you could keep up.

Right. Sorry.

The slowest animal on
earth escaped from me.

That can't not be a bad sign.

My mom had a turtle dove

that was eaten by her
ex-fiancé's snake.

- That was a bad sign.
- Oh my God.

And it happened on Valentine's Day.

- Mm.
- And her fiancé was a Satanist.

I think you guys are just
going through a tough time.

But... who knows?

Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised

by how much closer this
brings the two of you.

And if it makes you feel any better,

turtles actually
thrive out of captivity.

Thanks, Twy.

Oh, and if you do see Ted like
waddling around in the kitchen,

just feed him a carrot
and shoot me a text.

I hope you're joking.

Me too, girl. Love you!

- Excuse me.
- Mm?

This baby behind me has been
crying for over an hour now

and I just can't take it anymore.

You and me both.

I have shushed them
thrice at this point.

Now, here are your options:

I could either move those
two to the back of the plane,

or I could offer you
some complimentary alcohol

to make your flight a
little more bearable.

Okay. Thank you, David.

Thank you, Carol!

- That was a great example...
- Thank you!

Of what not to do.
David just reminded us

of two touchstone
policies here at Larry Air:

no seat changes,

and "complimentary"

is not in our corporate vocabulary.

But finger snaps for David!

We don't... s-Sure.

Okay, I think it's time to
move on to the final round.

If I call your name, please stand up.

Rupinder Pimms, Tracey Mickleson,

Felix Ng, and David Rose.

- Fuck yes!
- I regret to inform you,

you will not be asked
to continue the process.

This is so embarrassing.

I thought you said David Rose.

I did.

Too bad they didn't have
a branzino to de-bone

- because you would've got this.
- Hmm...

Yeah, hi, Carol? Uh,
it's just that some of us

drove some of the other applicants here,

so it might just be easier

if we all just moved
forward into the next round.

I think it's best if
you wait in the hall.

Okay.

I'll be taking some of these
complimentary peanuts then.

Oh, as I pointed out,

nothing is complimentary on Larry Air.

I'm taking the peanuts, Carol!

Okay, moving on...

Well, hopefully, Gwen will be here soon.

Oh, we don't have to wait for Gwen.

Oh, I think we do. It uh...

gives us more time to talk.

How often do good friends get
a chance to sit around and, uh,

and talk? Right!

And, you know, I didn't get
a chance to tell you before,

but that is one snazzy outfit. I mean...

Somebody... somebody's
got some money to burn.

Take it easy, Roland.

- Well...
- Let's not embarrass the man.

He obviously knows what
his money can do for him.

This is so exciting!

I feel like I'm a Wolf of Wall Street.

Good... then let's go get our lamb.

Oh, are we having lamb?

No, just my Sloppy Jocelyns.

Hope you're hungry, Bob.

Speaking of yummy opportunities.

John, were you able to return
Bill and Melinda's call today

about the hmm hmm-hmm?

Well, you know, Moira,
we're not supposed to be

discussing investment
opportunities at the table,

no matter how lucrative they might be.

But you know what
the Gateses are like -

Bill and Melinda.

You know, they're
expecting your call about...

the investment.

- Yeah.
- Wow! You know Bill Gates?

Oh, who doesn't? But you're right, Bob,

why gild their lilies

when there might be someone
right under our noses

looking for a lucrative venture?

Well, I... look, I...

I might as well just come clean:

Gwen's not coming.

Let's eat.

Yeah, she, uh, she left me.

I'm sorry, it's just all
this, all this money talk,

and all I can think about

is how much I spent on this suit.

Gwen, she told me, you know,

she said, "I like bad boys,"

and now she's holed
up with our minister.

She was bragging about
a religious experience.

Perhaps there's an upside to all this,

- fiscally speaking.
- Hmm!

Oh no, no.

Listen, uh, Johnny, I, I hate to ask,

but, uh, you just seem to have

so many, uh, high-profile friends.

Do you think one of
them might be open to...

cutting me a loan?

See, Gwen and Parson Jim, they're...

they're after the house.

Mm.

So, are you just never
gonna talk to me ever again?

I asked you to roll up
the window in the car.

The highway smelled like manure.

Okay. It just seems like you're upset.

Not upset. Just didn't feel
like talking in the car. So.

Okay.

Did Carol embarrass herself

by sending me away
in front of everybody?

Absolutely.

Was the entire group
shocked by that decision?

Seemed like it based
on some people's faces.

Now ask me if I care.

- Do you care...
- Don't care! I don't care!

You are such a sore loser.

I am not!

I'm not. It's just, do you
really wanna work for a place

that clearly doesn't
know what they're doing?

Oh, well, they really
want me to work for them,

so I have to trust that they
do know what they're doing.

- Okay.
- Admit it.

I'm more qualified than you.

- Fine.
- Admit it.

You're more qualified than me.

- Thank you!
- Now...

let's see what exciting new
job opportunities await you

in your new career
as an airline hostess.

Give me that! Give it!

I am so embarrassed for you!

Now, I would love to
use one of Larry Air's

"completely private" new paid toilets.

I don't know why they have to
stress "completely private."

Get out! Get out!

No.

Ugh!

Alexis: Ted! Dinner's ready!

Ugh!

- Alexis Rose?
- Yes?

Mr. Mullens has arranged a limo for you.

If you could please come with me.

How do I know this isn't like
an abduction or something?

It's not an abduction.

You didn't blink. I believe you.

Um, okay, I'll be out in five.

Good evening, Ms. Rose.

The other member of your
party has already been seated.

♪ I tell myself that I'm...

♪ So lucky

♪ To be loving you

Oh, hi.

Ted! What is this?

Well, I couldn't let our anniversary go

without a celebration.

Just because we're not in the same city

doesn't mean that we can't go on a date.

And you're wearing the little tie

with your short-sleeved
shirt. My little Galapo-guy.

Yeah, it's actually really hot here,

so the bottom half is just my
bathing suit and flip-flops.

Ted! More about
your bottom half, please!

Twyla's not standing
right behind you, is she?

Hi, Ted.

Twyla, again,

I can't thank you enough
for making this happen.

Um, I can lock up if you wanna go, Twy.

Oh, someone has to serve you dinner.

But don't worry, I'll
stay out of your way.

Alexis, I'm sorry for
dropping the ball on our calls.

I thought that we would
have Wi-Fi on the trip

and we didn't, so...
the rest of the team

just had to listen to me
talk about you for seven days.

In fact, they actually
named the new fly "Alexis."

The fly that mates with itself?

Yeah, I think the important
thing is that, now,

I have a little Alexis here with me,

just buzzing around.

I'm just like so happy to see your face.

Me too.

♪ So lucky Boop!

Boop! ♪ To be loving you

Okay, John, I'm going to
throw another name at you:

Ronnie. Owns her own business, no kids.

Clearly doesn't spend
any money on herself.

I appreciate the
enthusiasm, Moira, but uh...

I just got off the phone
with Betty Terkstra.

She sold the place.

No, John!

I'll keep an eye open for
a less pricey property,

but, uh, without Stevie,

I think we're in a bit of a bind.

Oh, John, hold me.

Good is coming, it has to.

Hello, Johnny!

Look, I appreciate the gesture, guys,

but, uh, this is not a
good night for champagne.

Oh, speak for yourself, John.

Oh good, you're lying
down! We have big news.

If you're referring to the
bath-time video Gwen posted...

N-no, n-no, it's...
it's not that exciting.

No, um...

well, we...

- brought the motel!
- What?!

Yeah, we took out a second
mortgage on our house.

Yeah. After what went down at dinner,

Joc and I started
talking, and we figured,

well, if it's good enough
for Bill Gates to invest in,

it's, uh, good enough
for us to invest in.

Roland, we don't actually know...

I'm, I'm sorry, I'm,
I'm not comprehending.

We...

are buying into the business.

Say hello to your new business partners.

Oh, well, if that's
not cause for alcohol

I don't know what is.

So, we have the motel?

We sure do.

Now, first order of business,

we need name tags.

I don't believe this! Roland,
we will make this work.

- Yes.
- We'll make it work.

- Thank you. Thank you, Roland.
- All right.

- Why is there a turtle on the floor?
- Moira: Alexis!

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --