Original subtitles

So what does this soul look like?

He's a Mongolian warrior from the 13th century.

Whatever they look like... that's who we're after.

Traditional Mongolian dress is called a del.

It's worn by both men and women.

It's widely worn by Mongolians today.

- Is that so, Professor? - Hey, don't mock me, okay?

History Channel docs are a great way to break the ice with the ladies.

What ladies?

All right, he just got out of hell yesterday.

Devil said he'd come here to steal a horse.

And he's skilled with swords, spears and knives.

He could probably snap your spine with his bare hands.

Maybe you guys should cover the other exit.

Cover the exit with what, our spines?

Yeah, you have that. We're sticking with you.

He's probably hiding. Keep your eyes open.

- Look. - What? What?

Bunny.

Oh, he's gonna get crushed by the horse. Cover me, okay?

- Ben, what are you doing? - Ben.

Idiot.

- Isn't he cute? - No no no, Ben, no.

Can we keep it? I've always wanted a rabbit.

No, my house... my rules. No pets.

It's our house now.

Can we discuss this later? We need to find the stupid soul.

Look out.

Sock, the phone... it's freaking him out.

I'm gonna call you.

Yeah.

Oh, who's the big, tough,

stupid, stinky Mongolian now, huh?

I'm just a primitive being.

I don't understand your modern technology.

Ben, get the vessel.

Ben, drop the rabbit.

Ben, drop the stupid rabbit. Get the vessel.

Get the vessel.

Whoa whoa whoa.

I got it. I got it, guys.

I got it.

What?

That's the soul who figured out how to get out of his deal with the devil?

Yep. I'm gonna hang these up all over town.

I don't know how else to find the guy.

"Large reward." Exactly what do you mean by "large"?

I got a gift certificate to Outback.

- $30. - Ooh, nice.

Hey, have you seen the bok choy?

King Charlie here just loves it.

Didn't Sock say you were supposed to leave it out in the garage?

Yeah, but he doesn't like it in there.

He needs to be inside.

Besides, he won't be any trouble.

You know, Ben,

when was the last time you went out on a date with a girl?

- Why? - I'm just saying

sometimes when you get lonely you sorta...

you get really attached to animals.

That's not...

this is not about that.

Don't listen to him, King Charlie.

He's just jealous.

Don't you dare listen to him.

Time to...

wake up, brother!

No, Ben, not today.

Hey, top of the morning to you!

I can't believe I'm wrestling with my brother.

Believe it. Come here.

So fun!

So fun. So excruciatingly fun.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Oh, okay, all right.

- One, two... - No, you don't.

Okay, all right. Hello.

Oh, why, Sam, why is she torturing me?

Oh my God, I can't handle it. I'm cracking up.

- Oh, brother. - What the hell?

It's like she's waterboarding my boys, Sammy. They're constantly blue.

You got the Blue Man Group in your pants.

Shut up, Ben. Whoa, hey, what the hell is that?

Easy, you're scaring him.

I don't care. Get that thing out of here.

Dude, what's your problem? He's not hurting anybody.

Okay okay, house meeting. House meeting.

First item up. I propose a vote.

We put a ban on all bunnies being in the house

at any time for any given reason. How about that?

- Second it. - All in favor?

- Aye. - Sam.

- All opposed? - Can we talk about this?

Thank you. The ayes have it.

Take the vermin to the garage now.

Make sure you tell your little buddy to bundle up out there.

It gets good and cold at night.

But in terms of your basic benchtop, this really can't be beat.

It's lightweight, mobile and a really great value.

- How big is the blade? - 10".

- Motor? - Single-phase, 120-volt,

34-50rpm and a 27" fence.

Anything else?

I think that's it. You certainly know your merchandise.

Mm.

Are you one of those secret shoppers...

you know, they send you from corporate

to see if we know our stuff?

Was I that obvious?

No, actually. You were really good.

Well, you were amazing.

Do me a favor, will you?

- Yeah. - I can only do my job

if none of your co-workers know I'm in the store.

Could you...?

Yeah, my lips are sealed.

- Secret shoppers? - Yeah, they pretend to be customers

but they really work for the Bench.

They write up reports on employees.

You remember Andrew Fink? Yeah, he got fired last year

because he tried to sell a secret shopper weed.

They spy on us? They can do that?

Yeah, of course they can. They can do whatever they want, man.

They're a big, giant evil corporation

representing everything that's wrong with this country.

Excuse me...

Shush shush shush.

I have a message for you and your boys up at corporate, my friend...

I'm watching you watching me

watching you. Believe it.

Narc!

I just wanted some rope.

- Sorry. - I'm sorry.

Place the vessel on the mat.

I don't have a vessel.

Great. Next.

No, hold on, please. I need a favor.

Can you hang this up in here?

No. Get out of here.

Hold on a second. Did you see that?

You recognize him.

All you meat bags look alike.

This is a federal building. No private bills can be posted.

- No, you know him. - Gladys, come on.

I just need to track him down. His name is Alan Townsend.

He used to be in hell. I need an address.

- Not a chance. - I got you out of hell, remember?

Once.

You're never gonna let me live this down, are you?

I can't talk here.

Tonight, 8:00, look out your back window.

I'll flash a light. When you see that, go outside.

Next.

Oh, Sammy,

that look on your face... priceless.

Yeah yeah, you're hilarious.

Hey, you ever hear that noise again, buddy... you just start running.

On second thought, forget about it. You'd probably already be dead.

At least you'd know what killed you.

- What are you talking about? - Demons.

That's the sound one makes when it's hunting its prey.

You don't recall a certain demon rebellion

that sort of tried to assassinate you,

what with you being my son and all?

Right right.

Well, I try to watch your back, buddy,

but you gotta remember, I'm a busy guy.

It's an election year.

Okay, I know. I'll handle it.

All right. Oh, and one other thing...

assuming you're not torn apart by demons in the next few hours,

you might want to try and catch your soul sooner rather than later.

Those Mongols conquered half the earth.

And I have a feeling this guys is gonna adapt

to life in the 21st century pretty quickly.

Okay.

Your copies are done.

Right. Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you. Thanks.

I'm always here to help.

Remember to keep focused...

In and out.

She's torturing me, Sam.

She's like a prison guard at Gitmo,

got my bonbons all locked up.

She's not trying to torture you. She's exercising.

This is so unfair.

I am not her brother. I don't even look like her.

Why does she insist on labeling me as a brother?

I just want her to see me the way the rest of the world does.

And how is that?

As a sexual magician.

I gotta open her eyes, change up the game,

explode the paradigm, you know.

She's really flexible.

I know. It's crazy.

I got it. I got it.

I'll take her dancing. Chicks love to dance, right?

They love to get drunk when they dance.

And more importantly, I can straight up shake this ass.

I start popping and locking and she's gonna go bonkers, right?

Absolutely.

Sock, can you spot me on this move?

Can I?

Gangway.

Okay. Oh, look at me

spotting you.

I'm sorry you gotta stay out here, little man,

but my roommates have very little respect

for anything but themselves.

Anyway, I got you a present...

a tiki torch. It's nice, right?

Scented with a little citronella

to keep the bugs away.

Now we're living large.

She got me in a headlock again, Sam.

Hello?

Gladys, where are you?

Let him go now!

Hey!

Hi.

Hello.

Surprised to see me?

A little bit, yes.

I almost got my throat ripped out last night.

Drama queen.

You sent a demon in my house to kill me, Gladys. Why would you do that?

We're in a book club together.

So you agreed to have me assassinated?

These book clubs are a lot of pressure.

I want you to look at that computer

and find Alan Townsend right now.

There. Happy?

Before I look at this address

I want you to remember who my dad is,

because if this is another setup to get me killed,

I think Dad would be very upset about that

and would want to punish all those involved.

Am I clear?

Thanks.

This place is awesome.

I know.

It's so nice that we can do stuff like this, you know,

just me and my brother hanging out.

Yeah, just hanging with your bro,

or just a dude who technically is not related to you,

but has so much in common with you, it seems like he should be...

not in blood relations kind of way, but...

Oh, I love this song.

Me too. Let's do it, come on.

Oh, Sock.

Like that?

- Yeah. - Wow.

Come here, baby.

Would you like to dance?

So you think you can actually get this guy to help you?

I hope so. We do have a common enemy in the Devil.

What?

How great would it be if this actually worked,

if I actually got out of my deal with the Devil?

I know.

I don't want to jinx it, but if this actually happened...

It would be amazing.

Yeah, no more Devil, no more souls.

- We could actually be a normal couple. - Yes.

- Do normal things. - Yes.

Ooh, we could go on vacation.

Yes, like a real vacation... Paris.

We could go to Malta.

I don't even know where that is.

But first he has to help you.

I know, I know.

It's fun to think about.

Yeah.

I'm starving.

I'm gonna go to the convenience store on the corner.

- You want anything? - No, I'm good.

Be back in a jiff.

You two seem very much in love.

Why do you always have to do that?

I just think that love is really wonderful.

Whatever.

So what are you doing here?

I was looking for the Mongol.

I had a hunch and Andi wanted to help...

Eh, that fish is a week old, Sammy. I'm not buying it.

- I got... - I know what you're really doing here...

making time with your gal,

looking to steam up the windows.

Meanwhile...

In local news, a man on horseback

rampaged through a downtown area today,

vandalizing property and robbing several stores.

Police warn that the man is extremely dangerous and not to...

You hear that?

- The police are after him. - I know.

I don't want that soul in a police jail. I want him in my jail.

I'm concerned that you're allowing yourself to become distracted.

A $10,000 reward is being offered

for any information leading to his arrest.

Chips?

We gotta go.

What?

So this dude with these curly slut bangs starts dancing with her.

And she completely lets him.

- It's like I wasn't even there. - That sucks.

I know. I was pulling out this move too.

How do you ignore that?

I don't know. I couldn't. That's a great move.

Thank you very much. I just want a little acknowledgment.

Oh, this is where Ben said to meet him.

Chao anh, gentlemen. What's that?

It's the vessel. Where's the soul?

- He'll be here. - How do you know?

History. Observe, if you will.

All right.

Benjamin.

So, as any scholar will tell you, the Mongols first invaded China,

then Korea, all the way down to Vietnam.

Now, similarly, our soul first ransacked

a Chinese restaurant,

then a Korean barbecue.

One guess as to what he's gonna hit next.

Don't tell me it's a Vietnamese restaurant.

It's gonna be a Vietnamese restaurant.

And this one just happens to be the best one in Little Saigon.

Ben, I don't think it works that way.

Ignore history, Sam, and see what happens.

So what, we're just supposed to wait here?

Benjamin, do you happen to have the rest of the pieces?

Way ahead of you. Try the bahn pho.

- It's really good. - I will.

I don't care who you are. It's a 15-minute wait.

It's the Mongolian.

Where the hell did he get a suit?

Devil said he could adapt. Come on.

Benjamin.

Come on, Ben.

Get people out of the kitchen!

Wait wait wait. Stay back. Stay back.

Are you kidding me?

So you have to admit I was right.

No question, the best Vietnamese food in Seattle.

No, about the soul, nimrod.

Ben, you were absolutely 100% right.

I am sorry we doubted you.

Thank you. So with those facts on the table,

I'd like to reopen the vote.

King Charlie should be allowed to live inside the house.

Benjamin, that smelly beast is not setting foot inside this house, okay?

Plus, you need someone to second the motion

to reopen the vote. Out of luck, pal.

Sam?

I found the soul.

I saved your life from the demon.

You have to second the motion.

I second the motion.

Yes! All right, cool. A new vote...

all those in favor of King Charlie living inside the house,

please raise your hand.

Opposed?

- What? - I'm sorry, Ben. It was a close vote.

- This is crap.

It's parliamentary procedure. It's not crap.

It's crap.

Parliament, Ben.

What's up, bro?

Topher. We met the other night.

I'm here to pick up Kris...

Come on in, bro.

So, Toph, tofu,

- what do you do? - Do?

Yeah, do for a living.

My dad owns a car dealership.

Oh, look at you... a self-made man.

All right. Very proud of you. That's impressive.

Here's the thing...

Kristen is not like other girls.

She is smart and she is kind

and she is very very special.

So if you think you're gonna waltz up in here

and put another notch in your belt, my man, you are sorely mistaken.

Because she is my sister.

And the only one allowed to have sex with her is me.

Hey, To.

Sock, you remember Topher?

- Uh-huh. - He's taking me dancing.

Funzies!

If she were my sister, I'd probably want to do her too,

because that ass is crazy doable.

Oh my God.

Oh my God, I did that.

Oh, dude, oh, I'm so sorry, man. That was way over the line.

Listen, I'm not only a violent person.

I'm very tender, very gentle and kind.

You want a bottle with some ice?

Just leave us alone.

Go.

Are you okay?

Come on, it's not that bad. At least he didn't call the cops.

It's terrible, Sam... all of it, all right?

- Sock. - My sister hates me.

I just... you know what?

I need you to leave right now.

Please just respect my privacy

and go.

I see you.

Excuse me?

You have been coming in here every day this week,

walking these aisles, stealing furtive glances,

hoping, waiting, fantasizing.

I'm sorry. I think you're confused.

No no no, there's no confusion here, sexy lady.

Yeah, no, I know the drill.

A lonely hausfrau cruising the Bench,

looking for a fleeting moment of passion

with anyone that will have them.

Sir, I really don't think

that you want to continue this line of conversation.

Don't worry. You aren't the first

and you won't be the last.

But you will be the seventh.

What did you say your name was?

Ted Gallagher, manager.

- Sock, Sock. - Leave me alone.

Listen to me. Ted hit on the secret shopper and he got fired.

He's about to leave.

Agh! Where?

You're gonna hear a lot of terrible things about why I was dismissed...

words like "harassment," "sexual advances,"

"inadequately endowed."

- Sir, please. - Detective...

thank you.

But what kind of world is it where a man can't

simply say hello to his neighbor,

can't strike up a conversation with a pretty lady,

can't flirt harmlessly, tell her about his hobbies and passions?

Not the kind of world I want to live in.

I'll tell you that right now.

And just to be clear, sex swings have been around for thousands of years.

It's not like I invented them. I wish I had.

Sir, you need to leave immediately.

I've been authorized to use force.

I can't really...

Don't don't don't. Don't analyze.

Just savor. Savor.

Wait, Alan, hold on. Wait, Alan.

I'm not here to catch you. I just want to talk.

I just want to talk.

I'm not gonna talk to you. You work for the Devil.

I do not work for him. He owns me. My parents sold him my soul.

I'm going to hell when I die and I didn't have anything to do with it.

That sucks, man, but I can't do anything for you.

Yes, you can. You can tell me how you did it.

Just tell me how you got out of your deal with the Devil.

I'm sorry, but I'm done with this.

I got a second chance and I'm not gonna blow it.

I can't risk talking to you. I can't risk helping you.

I gotta stay off the Devil's radar

and I gotta avoid any temptation of any sort.

Yeah, but that's never gonna happen.

You're always gonna be on his radar.

He's always gonna find a way to tempt you.

No matter what you do, where you hide,

he's gonna find a way to get you into hell

unless I help you.

I know how he operates. I know his tricks...

some of them. And he trusts me.

I might be the only person in the world to keep him away from you.

You set me up.

No, I didn't. I swear.

Go back to your little hovel and warn your rebellious friends

this one is not to be touched.

Did you get a look at its face?

I thought it was gonna start bawling.

Oh, man.

I love killing demons.

Hey, drink up, buddy.

You just had a near-death experience.

You ought to be over the moon.

You're thinking about Alan Townsend, aren't you?

You gotta let go of that man,

face reality.

He's never gonna talk to you,

not after what you did to him.

What I did to him?

Yeah, it did sort of look like you were trying

to get him killed by demons just now.

You set this whole thing up.

You had the demons attack me on purpose.

Now how would I do that?

Because you know if Alan thinks I'm involved with those demons

he'd be too afraid to talk to me, and he is.

You know,

it's funny how it all worked out in my favor,

isn't it?

Look, I got a feeling that soul is not gonna be able

to stay out of hell too much longer.

So my advice to you... forget about him.

Give over to your fate.

Because you can make yourself miserable fighting it,

or you can accept your lot in life

and make the most of it.

Adapt or die,

like our little Mongolian friend.

Did you know he's from 13th-century China?

And in a less than a week he's become a Blackberry-toting jackass

who's terrorizing the city like a professional.

We should all be so wise.

Well, fine.

If you don't want to drink to your happiness,

here's to your sorrow.

Hey, want to do a little stretching with me?

This one's called "the eagle pose."

Listen, hey, if you're waiting for me to apologize

for what happened to Gopher, you can forget about it.

His name is Topher.

What do you see in that guy? He's a hair product.

What? Seriously, tell me. I'd like to know.

Because he to me is so obviously a player.

I don't know what dudes are like in Japan,

but this douche bag just wants to bang you and walk away.

Maybe that's what I want.

Oh, come on, how bad could it be?

It's bad.

Okay, so he saw a couple of demons attack you.

The guy was in hell, okay?

It's probably not even a big deal to him.

The Devil screwed me. He made it look like I was working with him.

There's no way that guy's gonna trust me.

It's over. It's hopeless.

No, I refuse to accept that.

There's gotta be something you can do.

There's not. The Devil made sure of it.

What the Devil didn't count on is me.

- Alan will talk to me. - Why?

Because when I want something I can be pretty persistent.

And I really really want to go to Malta.

Hello hello.

Who's got fresh kale, so nibbly, so delicious?

Oh.

Wow, we're in the wrong garage.

Yeah, excuse us.

Sock, he has the rabbit.

What? Oh, no no no, you don't, no.

Please open the door, Sock.

Don't even think about it, Benji.

- Please open the door. - The rabbit stays outside.

Open the door now! Come on!

Sock!

Hello?

Come on, Charlie.

Anybody there?

Uh, okay, so we're just gonna leave.

So thanks.

Uh, you seem a little angry and upset

about what we did.

Let me just say that I apologize

on behalf of myself and the rabbit.

I burned you a little bit there.

And that was wrong of me.

That was so wrong.

Maybe we could get you some ointment or something,

something to help the scarring.

Please just be careful, please.

No no no, you don't want him.

I promise he didn't do anything.

Just the two of us. Okay.

I'm just gonna do a little prayer.

As I walk through the valley...

my mind's all blank.

I'm drawing a total blank.

You know a prayer?

What?

What do you want from me, huh?

What do you want from me?

I want what everyone wants.

I've been watching you. You're very brave.

You risked your life to save your friend.

You have a kind heart.

You seem to really love that rabbit.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You have beautiful eyes.

Oh my God, he's dead. There's nothing we can do.

- What do we do? - Sam.

Sock, that thing took him and he's not coming back.

Sam, listen.

Here's what we're gonna do...

we need to get our stories straight. People are gonna come here,

ask questions. We have to have answers ready.

Sock, our friend is dead.

Ben would want us to have a cover-up story for the cops.

And that is a fact, Sam. So now here, this is what we're gonna do...

tell people that he went on a bike ride

late by himself.

Maybe we invent a drug problem. He was a drug mule.

- You know what? - Narcotraficante.

None of this would have happened if you just opened the door.

Hey, Ben knew the rules... no pets inside the house. We voted on that.

Why do you hate the rabbit so much?

Why do I hate the rabbit, Sam?

Let me give you one good reason...

because this is not a Milk Dud.

This is not a Milk Dud.

What's up, boys?

Oh my God, Ben, you're alive!

- Benji. - Yeah.

Oh my God, man.

Hell yes, I'm alive. Did you think some punk-ass demon was gonna take me out?

We thought you were dead. We thought you were dead, Ben.

What happened?

- So the thing grabbed me, right? - Yeah.

And it took me up to a lair up in the mountains,

sat me down and came straight for to me...

I mean, straight for me.

And I just went house on that thing.

That's crazy. How?

It was just like a shot of adrenalin.

I just Jackie-Chan'd its ass

and hauled out of there. It was crazy.

I don't believe it. Look at you.

You don't have a scratch on you... nothing.

Not a scratch. Nothing.

What?

Nothing. It's just you fought a demon

and you're totally fine. It's just odd, that's all.

What, you don't believe me?

Who knows? Maybe you're not lying.

Whoa, Ben, hey hey. Rabbit... house rules.

No rules. King Charlie stays.

It's my sister.

Hello.

Hey, I came as quick as I could. Are you okay?

Here, get in.

You were totally right about Topher.

He's a jerk.

What happened?

I went to surprise him

and he was having sex with another girl.

Ha.

That's... that's terrible.

I had my hair done.

I bought fancy underwear.

I was gonna give him my virginity.

Are you...?

Oh my God, you're not wearing any clothes under that thing?

I feel so ashamed.

You were gonna give that guy your virginity? Why?

I just wanted to get it over with.

All my friends have already done it.

I feel like such a loser.

Part of me feels so ready, you know,

just to have meaningless crazy sex

with anyone.

I just thought

Topher would be easy.

Listen to me.

Your ladyhood

is a very very special thing.

It's like...

it's like a super awesome hot tub.

But if you just let anybody hop into that tub,

it kind of becomes meaningless.

It gets full of hair and you have to clean it out all the time.

I hate dirty hot tubs.

We all do. Now look,

sex can be a wonderful thing

between two people... don't get me wrong...

but it can also be just really gross and kind of weird.

Look, you will find the right person...

the perfect person,

maybe even closer than you think.

You're so right, Sock.

I know.

I'm going to save myself until marriage.

Did l... Did I say that?

I'm going to keep my virginity.

And I need your help.

Oh, please, Sock.

Will you help me not have sex with anyone?

Of course I will, Kristen.

You're the best brother anybody could ever have.

Yay.

Love it. Love it so much. Okay.

Okay.

- Hey. - Hey.

Glad you made it. You look amazing.

I know.

Um, just to be clear...

you're not just using me to get to my friend

- so you can kill him, right? - Probably not.

Yeah, that's good enough.

That's fine.

Oh.

Hello?

He's gone.

Holy cow.

Look at this place.

He could be anywhere in the world by now.

There's no way we're gonna find him.

We'll find him.

How?

Look at this.

"Don't overeat. That's gluttony!"

"Don't covet neighbor's possessions and/or wife."

What does it mean?

This guy was obsessed.

He's trying to avoid temptation at all cost.

Gamblers Anonymous schedule.

Exactly. He's terrified

that the Devil is gonna somehow tempt him back to hell.

This apartment was his fortress.

So?

So we just need to figure out...

where would Alan go to be safe from the Devil?

It's hard work, sweaty, and it doesn't pay that much.

Plus lots of people are afraid of corpses.

Doesn't bother me.

Are you sure you want the job?

This ground's been consecrated, right?

By the bishop.

I'll take it.