Original subtitles

♪ [ acoustic guitar ]

B-bar or lazy-t ?

B-bar.

Now, why do you Say that ?

Because the fire road runs Up above their corrals,

And you can't see it From the house.

Let's toss a coin.

Let's just decide.

Did you ever walk a quarter Between your fingers ?

Never mind that. That's the first thing they teach you in jail.

How to walk a quarter Between your fingers.

Simpleminded Card tricks are next.

♪ a rustler's daydream ♪

♪ thoughts of jail ♪

♪ dust clouds rising ♪

♪ tearin' down the trail ♪

♪ got our plans laid ♪

♪ to make a few bucks ♪

♪ buy a spread called ♪

♪ rancho deluxe ♪

♪ no, we're not outlaws ♪

♪ or common thieves ♪

♪ just a few aces ♪

♪ with cards up our sleeves ♪

♪ so we've got to gamble ♪

♪ got to take a chance ♪

♪ wanna see the whole show ♪

♪ and not just one dance ♪

♪ yeah, we've got to try And find a way ♪

♪ we're gonna laugh We're gonna drink we're gonna play ♪

♪ just bouncin' 'round The mountains day to day ♪

♪ oh, crazy mountains ♪

♪ they named you well ♪

♪ white men and red men ♪

♪ stories we heard tell ♪

I'll do it. [ mumbles ]

You can practice Walking the coin.

[ mooing ]

See you got to where You're real proud of it. where's the saw ?

In the bed.

Brought the little Mccullough.

That thing is so Damn hard to start. you are nervous.

Shall I show you A few card tricks ?

Just show me That thing start.

Did you gas This mother up ?

Smell it, Cecil. You flooded it.

[ exhaling ]

Then we've Got to wait it out.

Oh, just be a couple Of sleepy rustlers...

Waitin' for somebody To come up here and mend fence.

There's no way outta here Except for that fire road,

So we're not gonna Put 'em to any trouble makin' the arrests.

How many cows B-bar runnin' here ?

Couple of thousand On the summer range.

Minus this one.

That's right, you're gonna Wanna figure that one in there too.

See, if you and i Were grownups, the b-bar would be runnin'...

A full 2,000 head On the summer range.

Now they're down to 1,999 And there's hardly any sense in goin' on.

I'm gonna Give it another try.

[ motor starts ] [ chuckling ]

Jack ?

Hmm ?

Do you believe In the tooth fairy ?

The one that Takes your tooth from under the pillow ?

Yeah. Oh, I do if you do, Cecil.

Well, I do too then.

What I'd plan would be To watch the Tuesday night livestock reports from Butte...

And see what we can get For four hooves, a head and 125 pound of cow guts.

We know it's not A coyote this time.

Well, let's report it Before it gets blamed on us.

My plan would be To mail that to somebody.

Well, all right. if that Means something to you.

Miss castle, I hate To be so late in gettin' to you on the rent.

The Indian and i, We've-- we've been out of town,

And now there seems To be, I don't know, some problem...

In transferring funds From our savings account...

To our special Checking account without, uh,

Losing our Christmas bonus.

Come on. Get to the point.

Well, I was hoping That you'd let us...

Pay our rent With 100 pounds of u.s. prime beef.

Now, this is about Double the value we owe you.

Or more.

Is this reservation cattle ?

Oh, no, ma'am. Grain fed.

We swapped A jeep for it.

Uh, see, we don't want To lose our Christmas bonus down at the bank.

Last month it was a sheep.

And next month It will be hard cash.

And it was still warm.

Yes, ma'am. [ sniffs ]

Cost us a rototiller.

- we got beat out of a lot Of value on that one. - okay.

We was gonna check The livestock reports,

And see what hooves Was goin' for.

Oh, shut up, Curt !

How in the hell Did they get in here ?

Fire service road.

I'm gonna close that road. [ man ] you can't. it's a fire road.

I'll go to Helena, See the governor and close that road.

I've closed Service roads all over Montana.

I'm not gonna... Have a west that's not free.

And I'll not have my stock Breakin' their legs in gopher burrows.

And I'll not have A west that's not free...

And at this point In the 20th century,

I'm not gonna be Plagued by rustlers.

When's that chopper mechanic Get here from billings ?

[ man ] wednesday.

Well, you tell him We hunt predators, airlift big game...

And track rustlers With this son of a bitch.

And we can't afford Carburetor trouble in blind canyons again.

[ man ] Yes sir, john. I'll tell him.

She sure sounds good To me now, though.

[ John ] One more bit of engine trouble,

And I stand up at the Cattlemen's association...

And announce what a piece Of shit this thing is.

Let's get The hell outta here.

♪ [ country ]

How are you, Betty ?

Bored.

What are you tying this week ?

Fan wing Royal coachman. and you're bored ?

That sounds like An interesting fly.

Fuck you, Jack.

Do you want To go out with me ? I haven't any idea.

I thought maybe You and me could go over...

To the wrangler And shoot a little pool.

[ scoffs ]

Buy you a cheeseburger. Dynamite.

You want to come out And play tonight ?

Well, I'm supposed To go help my sister...

Catch her horses Up in the crazies.

Hey, if your sister Will go out with Cecil, we'll help you.

Well, all right. But you've gotta bring your own horses.

We're not ridin' You clowns double.

Come on, Cecil. Hold on, now.

Dee and me is still Working this out. says you.

Come on, Cecil, let's leave The bow-wow to her work.

Ha, ha, ha. you, man ! A date with Betty's sister, Mary.

All right !

She's the tastiest lady Around here, if you ask me.

She's got lips Of cherry wine and eyes like diamonds.

Yeah, that's the one.

Shall I bring A lot of rubbers ?

Indians. Jesus.

Sorry.

Just trying to embrace The new culture.

We gotta help catch Her dad's horses.

Where at ?

Up in the crazies. All right.

Honey ! I'm back.

How are things In the wild blue yonder ?

You look fantastic.

All right, john.

Cecil ? Mm-hmm ?

Have you ever watched Chickens fucking ?

I wouldn't Say "watched."

Have you ever listened ?

Oh, you must be These ladies' dad.

How do, Mr.--

Dog. bob dog.

I'm Cecil Colson. North American Indian.

Sir, we're here To help these ladies catch their horses.

Now, my bet is, They've gone half wild up there in them aspens...

With wire marks Over every inch of their hides.

How right you are.

Makes you really wonder...

If you should've given in So easy when they whined and whined...

For another appaloosa, High-priced barrel racer.

Yes sir, they've probably Reverted to bucking stock by this time.

Oh shut up, Jack, And take off that ugly mask.

[ whinnying ] Give me a hand here, Jack.

I've got to git.

Just run All of your ponies into the old corral.

I'll send a stock truck Up for them in the morning.

Okay, dad. Bye-bye, daddy.

[ engine starts ]

- how many horses Are we looking for ? - five.

[ Cecil ] Where shall we start looking ?

Let's throw The I ching and see.

No, we ain't throwin' No I ching to find no horses. damn.

Eat it, Betty.

High school kids can't Pick their nose...

Without gettin' stoned Or throwin' the I ching.

You can't sleep at night Without humpin' cowboys in the driveway.

- watch your lip, Mary. - or demolition derby drivers,

Bank tellers, brand inspectors, Just to name a few.

[ Cecil ] Ladies, damn. I'm gettin' disillusioned.

now, let's just ride up there and catch these ponies.

To me, this is America today.

God wants America On horseback,

Findin' lost appaloosa Barrel racers.

Do I make Myself clear ?

Mary, you and Cecil...

Go to the top Of the south pasture,

And we'll go down The forest service line.

We'll herd 'em back From there.

If we catch one We'll have a simple time with the others, okay ?

Right. Okay.

Make it to the tree, She'll die, first fly.

now Mary, you don't know any such thing.

Yes, I do. She's a dumb twat and I can't stand her.

She flushed two lids Down the toilet on me.

Smashed my black light When she was drunk.

Tore up half my posters.

Scratched My humble pie albums--

How much difference in age Is there between you ? two years.

But she's just about Exactly half as hip as my grandma is...

Down at senior citizens' Crankin' out doilies.

[ Jack, passionate ] oh Jesus, Betty--

oh !

[ Betty moaning ]

oh, me-- Jesus--

oh, oh, yes-- oh, god. oh, oh !

oh-- oh, just like that, yes !

[ Jack moaning ] oh, whoo-hoo ! oh, yeah !

Ooh. Oh. oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. ohh !

[ passionate moaning ]

Ooh, oh, yeah ! Ha-ha, ooh !

That is dyno supreme.

Hmm.

I am loaded.

[ chuckling ]

[ sighing ]

Stoney weed, I tell you !

Aah, ha, ha, ha !

The most...

Possible primo.

♪ can't you see Your mother, baby ♪

♪ standin' In the shadows ♪

Wha-- [ chuckling ]

Ooh, ooh ! Wait, yeah. ooh.

Ooh yeah ! ooh !

[ moaning continues ]

Baby ! Oh, oh, baby !

Ooh, ooh. Ohhh !

Come on. [ grunts ]

[ orgasmic moaning ]

Oh ! oh, baby ! Oh, baby ! oh !

Oh, baby ! ah !

Oh, Jack.

You-- Oh--

Oh, you miserable Son of a bitch !

Is nothing Sacred to you ? whoo !

Hey ! [ laughing ]

Why have I asked you To save these ?

I have asked you To save these...

Because they will Help show us...

That these rustling cases Are all the work of the same man.

But a lot of people Have .270s, ms. Brown.

Curt, You're a slow boat to china.

Now, Burt, will you tell Curt what I told you ?

Curt. Yes, Burt ?

The firing pin Of a rifle is just like a fingerprint.

And we're gonna send Those cases down to the ballistics lab.

All right.

♪ [ piano jazz ]

Anybody feel like dancin' ?

How 'bout you, slow boat ?

Music's a little Hard to dance to.

[ exhales ] Come on, goddamn it.

I want some Gothic Ranch action around here.

I want some desire under the elms.

I wanna see some Smoldering glances down at the old corral.

I-i-i don't know, Ms. Brown.

Gee, Mrs. Brown--

[ clears throat ]

Well, piss off, then. Jesus Christ.

Tweedle-ee-dee And tweedle-ee-dumb.

What do I want with beef ?

I have nothing To trade you, anyway.

How 'bout Your dirt bike ? my Elsinore ?

Are you nuts ? That's worth more than your steer.

What kind of condition Was this animal in ?

Real choice.

You got a nice rifle ?

I got a sharps Buffalo rifle.

A real plains rifle Made by w. c. floond.

What caliber ? .50 sharps.

I'd trade My right rear quarter.

How many ribs On a quarter ?

this sharps is something.

I'm so glad you asked.

It's a three-rib quarter, And it'll run to half the weight of that side.

Throw in The kidneys and liver and you've got a deal.

I mean, if you're Lookin' to deal.

[ machines whir, clang ]

I'll take the sharps.

Jack and me Are about the last of the plainsmen.

Today's enterprise announced that old John Brown...

Bought the lazy-t.

Hmm.

Probably doesn't matter Which fork we took,

It was still gonna be One of his cows. [ chuckles ]

I'm glad We got it in storage.

I didn't like the feeling When that chain saw flooded.

Yeah, I don't know If John Brown's so bad, either.

He keeps some of these Shit-assed tourists from puttin'...

An aluminum house trailer On a quarter acre of pasture.

You ever see Cheyenne autumn ?

oh, yes.

Well, in another 20 years They're gonna make aluminum autumn.

You bored, John ?

Yeah.

What do you wanna do ?

[ sighing ] I don't know.

Wanna go look For signs of the rustlers ?

They probably Haven't even been around.

darlin', that's not my fault.

And it's not my fault That there are no more ranches to buy around here.

Why don't you Run into Livingston and get yourself a hat ?

- I don't feel like it. - I've got it, john.

I've got it.

Why don't you call A press conference on this rustling ?

You know, that's not A bad idea, Cora.

That's really not.

I could Declare war on rustling.

[ Jack ] can you beat that ? John Brown has declared war on rustlers in park county.

That's us.

Before you whites came here, We had a...

Simple existence In these shining mountains...

under this big sky.

- horseshit. - we had that too.

Cec, your relatives were Primarily honky tie hackers from Iowa...

And bucktoothed Squaw hoppers from the east.

It sure was something With them ladies last night.

Ah--

what's the matter ?

We've got to Jack up This here ante on John Brown.

Let's burn his barn.

No, really. I mean it.

Let's burn and pillage.

[ chuckling ] You fucking Indian.

You interested in this Livestock exposition ?

You mean, now that we're In the cattle business ?

Uh, let's skip these Runners-up and also-rans.

Let's go For the biggest and the best.

What's that ? Let's see what won the top seed bull.

[ sniffing ] I want to see the winning chicken.

We're gonna Skip the chicken.

I'm into blue-ribbon cabbages. I want to see one.

Let's keep our eye On the ball, Cecil.

[ mooing ] This fine bull,

Baseheart Of Bozeman canyon,

Has compiled more than Twice the number of points...

Needed here tonight... To win this blue ribbon.

He has tremendous Thickness and length,

And at show time, Checked in a 2,600 pounds.

His mother, At 14 years of age,

Is still running In the high country with her grandchildren.

This bull has it all:

[ mooing ] Size,

bone,

trimness,

color--

It just brings Tears to my eyes.

John Brown,

I wonder if you could Say a word or two...

To Baseheart Of Bozeman canyon's admirers.

[ mooing ]

Thank you, bob. Honey, come on up here.

My wife and i Thank you all.

I, um-- I would like to say to my fellow breeders,

That in 20 years Of breeding, from this stock,

You can count The steers on one hand.

Our bull calves have, On the whole,

Grown up to be bulls.

[ cheering, whistling ]

All right ! Yowza !

Okay. Ain't he something.

Seriously, uh,

We have the top matrons And the top sires.

We raise Very correct cattle...

At the b-bar lazy-t.

And if we ever Get around to the same with our citizens,

Maybe these Chain saw rustlers...

Will give us a chance To show you...

Some of Baseheart Of Bozeman canyon's grandsons !

[ man ] congratulations.

Thank you, thank you. [ mooing ]

Burt, you load that bull.

Yes sir, john.

Excuse me, sir.

Uh, this might seem A little obvious to you, but do you, uh,

Maintain this quality level With all your seed bulls ?

Damn sure do. all pure pedigrees ?

- you bet. - performance tested before you sell them ?

- yes. - semen tested ? - yes.

certificates of soundness from a reputable vet ?

Absolutely.

What's that Baby there worth ?

About 50,000 big ones.

[ mooing ]

♪ [ country on radio, faint ]

Do you like your work ?

I feel it's A growing industry, and I'm growing with it.

[ chuckles ] Old Baseheart couldn't care less who's driving.

[ sighs ] I sure would like To go from one piece of ass to another...

In a custom truck and get Nothing but money and blue ribbons for the job.

That'd be Checkin' out in style.

Why should we Have to hide from a helicopter ?

[ Jack ] private land, betty. it's landing.

bird that owns it would run us in so quick--

[ Betty ] I'll be darned.

Jack, let's just Go down there and see what they were up to.

Ladies, why don't you go Look for a swimming hole with some warm rocks.

Cecil and I are just Curious as all get out to see...

What these ranch fascists Do with their machinery.

[ click ]

Shall we count it ?

I don't think That would be too interesting.

No, neither do i.

Do you like Being prosperous ? hey, it's not interesting.

Maybe we could have a party. Maybe a party'd be interesting.

Old Baseheart is gonna Have to fuck his ass off to make up for this one.

I was tempted to try To trap our boy,

But I didn't want To take a chance on losing Baseheart.

I mean, That goddamn animal is my signature on American west.

Honey, I'm with you. Now, let's just hope.

We're staring at a bad loss More than a financial way.

Now, so the note said what ? We go to room 203, we'll get another clue ?

No, no, we get an exact And complete description of Baseheart's whereabouts.

He was right To the point about that.

Can we have the key To room 203 ?

Somebody's left Something there for us.

I'd like to go along with you. I've had complaints about that room all night.

What kind of complaints ? The sound of kind of honeymooners in that room.

- what name is that room Registered under ? - John and Cora Brown.

They don't answer the phone. They're just having the noisiest damn honeymoon,

Lurching into The furniture and carrying on.

I went up to the door And knocked.

It sounded like They were on the bed by that time,

And it was hellacious.

Are you kin ?

Kinda.

[ mooing ]

[ man on tv ] Hey !

[ mooing continues ]

[ mooing continues ]

[ hotel clerk ] do you suppose that mother'd ever charge ?

What have you got In mind for this week ?

I wanna spend some time With my old man.

Hey, Now that's remarkable.

Why do you say that ?

Well, I was thinkin' About visiting my folks.

Is that right ?

Yeah, I've been Thinkin' about it.

Plus I might as well.

I don't see how We're gonna top this week's performance.

Let's take a vacation.

Come on, old man.

Oh. We're gonna float the river.

Ah, cec, I don't, uh, Feel up to it.

Shit you don't.

Got the picnic and I caught About a hundred big hoppers.

Got a hundred big hoppers ?

You got a raft to use ?

Just bought a dandy New McKenzie boat.

Hey--

Woo !

What are these, Cec ?

They're all bacon, Lettuce and tomato.

Could be eatin' Them hoppers.

Old boys on the reservation Used to eat grasshoppers.

Full of nourishment.

Supposed to taste good too.

Let's find out. Mmm ?

[ crunch ] Damn, Cecil.

[ chuckling ]

Not bad.

Well, now, daddy, It's what our forebears done.

Yeah, some of them, cec.

I mean, we're supposed To have some royalty in there too.

The prince of Angolia Or something.

You ain't doin' No crime or nothin' ? no offense intended.

I don't know what you mean.

I mean, there ain't No visible means of support.

And this boat, you know,

And that jazzy pickup truck.

I've had about 150 jobs In the last month.

All right. it's all right.

Let me tell you Another thing.

I see more of this state's Poor cowboys, miners,

Railroaders and Indians Go broke buyin' pickup trucks.

The poor people Of this state are dope fiends for pickup trucks.

As soon as they get Ten cents ahead,

They trade in On a new pickup truck.

The families, homesteads, Schools, hospitals and happiness of montana...

Have been sold down the river To buy pickup trucks.

It is a sickness here Worse than alcohol and dope.

It is the pickup truck debt.

And there is no Cure in sight.

Well... I do see What you mean.

Really.

But I own this truck In partners with Jack,

And we do a good deal Of hauling with it.

[ doorbell rings ] Jack, get the front door, would you ?

Hello, Anna.

We're going to Leave you two alone.

Jack ?

I know I can see That you really question my judgment--

That's right, mother. I question your judgment on this.

- now look, pal-- - get out.

I'm about to question Your goddamn judgment.

Did you hear me ?

I don't know Why they did this.

They left it up to me.

So I came. I wanted to see you.

I wanted to look at you. It makes it harder, Anna.

God.

I'd just gotten So I could come here at all.

I'd just risen to that.

Hey.

How do you like Being single ?

I guess it's The only way I can live.

Jack,

Couldn't I come And see you ?

Anna, why ?

So we can work On each other again ?

Mmm ? So we can lock ourselves in the house and...

Crawl around and weep And take tranquilizers,

Talk about suicide And pointlessness again ?

Is that what you wanna do ?

Anna, don't you understand yet ? We make each other insane.

Don't you Understand that yet ?

God, that last week We had together.

You were too crazy To even wash your face.

I had to brush the knots Out of your hair.

We mutilate each other ! Don't you understand that ?

I still love you.

I don't care.

I love you and I don't Want any more of it !

I don't want Any more of it !

♪ [ honky tonk piano ]

♪ you got your tony lamas on Your jeans pressed tight ♪

♪ you take a few tokes Make you feel all right ♪

♪ rockin' and a-rollin' on a Livingston Saturday night ♪

♪ got the pickup washed And you just got paid ♪

♪ with any luck at all You might even get laid ♪

♪ 'cause they're pickin' And a kickin' on a Livingston Saturday night ♪

Are you sure That's them ?

Sure as shootin'.

Is that pretty sure ? That's real sure.

You're not that bad.

You just play for shape Instead of blasting away.

- are you Indian ? - part.

Indians never get too good at pool.

I thought maybe You were Jewish.

Or a greaser.

So, as you were saying--

Well, uh, It's just that old...

John Brown has seized on This rustling because he's...

Kinda sad And bored and all.

And all this Sleuthin' excites him.

♪ it ain't the same old west No, that's for sure ♪

♪ but I think it beats anything That's here before ♪

♪ a-rockin' and a-rollin' on a Livingston Saturday night ♪

♪ so won't you listen To the sound of the hot country band ♪

♪ boot heels a' shufflin' on the dance floor sand ♪

♪ play some pong, sing a song, Shoot a little shit ♪

♪ and if the fightin' starts Just don't get hit ♪

♪ and if the cowboys still can't Find a thing in town to do ♪

♪ well there's a whorehouse On the edge of town where anybody able to screw ♪

[ game beeps ] What about that, uh, stock detective ?

[ beep ] well-- Where'd that come from ?

John has gone and hired This Henry Beige.

He's out of Twodot, Montana.

Got a great reputation. He'll be here tomorrow.

He's pretty old. [ beep ]

Uh. bringin' his niece To take care of him.

[ beep ] Doesn't that kinda take away from old John Brown's fun ?

I was thinkin' The same thing.

And I hope not.

He's been sleeping nights Lately instead of, uh,

Ramblin' around The ranch yard...

With insomnia.

When we recovered Baseheart of Bozeman canyon,

He was happier than If we'd never lost him.

Ransom on that Son of a bitch...

Made every stockmen's Paper in the country.

And every regular Paper in the west. [ bell rings ]

[ grunts ] Here you go. another quarter.

[ change clanging ]

[ beep ]

You figure it to be The same, uh, same rustlers ?

You know, the ones We've been reading about ?

Oh, I know Who it is.

Oh, you do, huh ? Mm-hmm.

Look, if you bring Your man back in the middle each time,

You're gonna play A lot better. oh.

'cause I've beat you Two straight already and we're gonna play...

Best three out of five For championship of the universe.

Well, who is it ?

Oop. [ beep ]

Who's what ?

That's rustling Off your stock ?

Oh, come on, Jack.

Tell me.

It's you.

No, seriously. No, I am serious.

You're the rustler.

Now, why do you--

Why do you say that ?

[ beep ] Well--

Me and Burt told The old man...

That we were gonna Come to town and, uh,

Wanted one more chance To catch the rustlers.

You know, the culprits.

And, uh, we told him We wanted to come into town and run down some leads.

And, it's--

It was the only way we was Gonna get the night off.

And since you and Cecil Are the only two we've talked to, then, uh,

You gotta be The hot leads.

[ beep ]

But I do have to believe In my heart that you are the rustlers,

Or my conscience Gonna hurt me and, uh,

Uh, all I wanna do Is drink and play these here bar games.

I believe in fun. I believe in having it all now.

I believe in hygiene.

I believe In a good old time.

I believe it gettin' It all while you can.

Is there anything you Don't believe in, may ? mm-hmm.

I don't believe In lettin' your meat loaf.

Uh, may, I'd like To introduce two celebrity friends up here.

Jack, I know who they are.

Burt and curt Of the b-bar lazy-t.

Yeah, well, anyway--

Now, why don't you Let me tell you.

We're still offering The standard acts and jobs at the standard rates.

Although the livestock Has picked up in quality.

We have not Raised our price...

On half and half, Round the world, or your straight shot.

We have, however, cancelled The old Hershey highway. oh.

But, we are willing To negotiate...

On circuses, Sultan slavery,

Harems, or any kind Of free form fandango...

Somebody might want To invent for hisself.

Well, we promised Burt and Curt a treat.

So you let them pick And we'll cover it.

come on and pick.

[ chuckles ]

We want 'em all.

Yep.

It's yours. Our word's good.

Well now, that's gonna Spoil about $300.

No. we bought it, may. Cec and I are men of our word.

Why don't you Get in there and, uh, raise it up to $350 ?

Who's gonna Answer the phone ?

[ man snoring ]

[ Burt ] Do you want to wake these rustlers up ?

they sure was generous.

They're good boys.

Hmm. no question.

Let's wake 'em. we'll buy 'em Some breakfast at Chico.

[ utensils clattering ]

How do you feel about The wages up there ?

It's more the way of life Than it is the salary.

Come on. Answer seriously.

Wages are lousy.

Three-fifty a month, Room and board.

Mrs. Brown,

Asks the cook To make the food too spicy.

Why do you ask ?

Are you rustlers looking For some inside help ?

It'd be fun To talk about, anyway.

I'm sure it would.

Just to help us stay awake.

Well, why don't we All go for a swim ?

[ Jack ] my concern is whether We can turn that semi 'round in the upper pasture.

[ Curt ] You don't have to worry about that.

If it don't look good, Burt and me'll take a tractor up there and make a turnaround.

[ Burt ] now you know, Don't you, that we're gonna have to take the load...

A good ways east to get Away from grain inspection.

[ Curt ] Yeah, I know.

And the split Is a simple four-way.

[ Jack ] Absolutely.

I think you've Got a deal then.

What about The stock detective ?

No problem.

I recommended Him to Brown.

[ chuckles ]

Is he honest ?

As the day is long. [ chuckling ]

Poor bastard is so old He creaks like the inner sanctum.

He still don't believe He's got the job.

Can hardly get From room to room. hey, let's get dressed.

I got something Out in the truck I want to show you guys.

You boys, You left this down at the locker plant.

If you're gonna have a sportcoat Made out of it, why don't you have the brain removed first ?

[ chuckles ]

Where's the geezer ?

He's coming. his niece Is helping him come down from the bunkhouse.

Jesus, Cora.

He doesn't even Look mobile.

Laura, what do you Do with yourself...

When you're not lending your Uncle Henry a helping hand ?

I help my mom.

What about when You're not helping her ?

Then I go To the senior citizens' and help all the old folks.

Mmm. Livingston ? no, ma'am, in choteau.

What else do you do ?

I sew. Oh.

What do you sew ?

I just like to make Nice things for nice folks.

You are a remarkable Girl, Laura.

All I want is For folks to be happy.

♪ it's a big, wide Wonderful world ♪

Can it, Laura. We're trying to eat. Holy Christ almighty.

[ clears throat ]

Have, uh, you always been A stock detective, Mr. Beige ?

No. What did you do before that ?

I was a horse thief.

that's why I made such a damn good stock detective.

You know, one time I had 400 head of stolen horses...

In my corrals Up on 16-mile river.

I'd put 'em on an electric train There at Ringling...

And I'd transfer 'em over To the northern pacific at maudlow...

And ship 'em Into a four-state area...

Inside of 48 hours.

Why, you know, I could ship A stolen horse...

Faster than you can move An airmail letter.

why, I was the very best. why'd you quit ?

I got caught.

Sent me up To the penitentiary at deer lodge.

why, I spent three years breaking horses for the prison ranch up yonder...

While everybody was having such A fine time in world war II.

When I realized that My thievery had cost me the circus of the century,

Why, I decided To go straight, work on the other side of the law.

Well, Mr. Beige,

I think it's about time We acclimate you to the b-bar lazy-t.

This country around here Is a little steeper than what you're used to.

See that peak up there ?

That's squaw mountain. It go about 11,000.

Careful. attaboy.

We raise very correct cattle At the b-bar lazy-t.

[ exhales ]

The last time I saw Him on his feet was four days ago.

That little simp, Laura, brings his food to him three times a day.

Mr. Beige told me That very often his mere presence...

Puts an end to rustling.

Evidently his reputation Precedes him.

I don't know why, Cora.

I sort of feel We've been had.

To me, the worst of it Is the way Curt and Burt follow that Laura around.

[ scoffs ]

You know, we're not getting Half the use out of them we once did.

Yeah. I'm afraid Our two chimps are in love.

They coming knuckling Out of the bunkhouse every morning,

Trying to beat each other To Laura's side...

To help bring Mr. Beige's Breakfast to him.

Darling ? Hmm ?

Are you ever sorry we got out Of the beauty parlor business ?

gee,

I miss Schenectady Sometimes.

Jack,

I just got to find out Where this bastard keeps his money.

[ shot fires, echoes ]

[ tires screech ]

Cecil, no ! Jesus ! Cec-- Jesus Christ !

Oh, my god. Hi, boys.

Hello. Hi.

Burt and me thought You ought to know what bad planning feels like.

Thank you. What does it feel like ?

You made your point. [ Curt ] boys, I got a question.

When we're fixing to skate off With a semi truckload of living veal,

What in the hell Are you doing up here penny-anteing for one steer ?

[ Jack ] Sport. sport.

Uh-huh, Cecil and i Are sportsmen.

Let me tell you, Wise guy.

We have to go up and get Mr. Henry Beige now...

And bring him To the kill.

'cause I don't know What you were shooting with,

But you for sure Could hear it up at the ranch.

I don't know what they shot This steer with,

But it blowed a hole in him You can throw a cat through.

It's got my curiosity up.

She's either been hit By a bazooka or an express train.

Wait a minute. yeah.

Yeah, here she comes.

Well, I'll be doggoned.

If I wasn't so dad-blamed old, I wouldn't know what that was.

What is it, Mr. Beige ? It's a .50 caliber bullet.

- what kinda gun ? - a sharps buffalo rifle.

You know, things is gettin' Downright romantic. [ chuckles ]

I don't know What these boys got in mind.

But it's a good sign They wanted us to get dressed up.

They're nice boys, all right, But I sure don't need to get grossed out again.

♪ [ country: waltz ]

This is a weird Mixture of...

Yin and yang.

So many animal karmas Have bit the dust here.

Just eat, Mary. Bite my ass, Betty.

Girls-- Take your hand out of my crotch, Jack !

Betty, the orchestra Heard you.

Betty's so smooth.

♪ [ continues ]

♪ [ ends ]

Play a polka ! ♪ [ resumes ]

[ screaming ]

Whoo-hoo !

[ screaming continues ]

Let's go ! Whaa-ha !

Whoo-hoo ! [ screaming ]

Whoo !

[ laughing ]

[ horse whinnying ] [ dog barking ]

You may go, officer.

I have recovered my Lincoln continental mark iv.

Come in, mother, And have a look.

Come in, Mrs. Kramer.

Come in, aunt Bea and Uncle Ramsey,

And see the floozies And the whore mongers.

Grandma and grandpa Hooper.

Don't hold back.

Come on in and see What the world has come to.

Filth and evil...

Is one subject I'm slow to tolerate.

That's two subjects.

Son, you are in A dangerous country. I'd advise you--

I knew if I kept this By my bed long enough,

Some motherfucking worm Would turn up in here.

That's what I call Self-fulfilling prophesy. now get down on your knees.

Fast !

Oh, am I in a bad mood.

Okay, now fold your hands In front of you...

And beg your daughters For forgiveness.

Fast, or I'm gonna blow you To kingdom come.

Forgive me, girls.

If you had any right To come in here and do this,

You wouldn't be Such a coward and fall down on your knees at my command.

[ woman ] That boy is 100% right,

And I don't care Who hears me say it.

You had no right, Wilbur.

I knew you knew better, Grandma.

It's these world war i War babies we're having so much trouble with.

now, if any of you folks follow us in the next hour or two,

You may just find me In the front yard...

With this, uh,

Nasty-looking heater In my hand.

And as for you, dork, You better not press charges.

If you do, they better Tell them to catch me quick,

'cause I'm gonna come Looking for your ass.

Let's get the hell Out of here.

Jack !

Follow me.

I'm gonna take a ride in this Lincoln continental mark iv.

We're beaucoup committed now. Let's ride in style.

No wonder them old boys Had such reputations.

This is an amazing piece.

[ shots echoing ]

[ air hissing ]

- go for the hood ornament. - you got it.

What are you up to ?

Mrs. Brown asked me to hoover These Navajos.

You have to be careful You don't unravel them with that machine.

I'd never use no hoover On Indian rugs.

Well, Mrs. Brown said I was To do it this way, and, uh,

These are Mrs. Brown's Navajos.

Well, she's a jerk-off.

H-huh ? what ?

That's just an Expression I heard.

[ chuckles ]

Mrs. Brown probably Knows best when it comes to her own navajos.

Yeah, I think That's true, Laura. uh--

When she told me to hoover, I just hoovered.

I didn't ask no Further questions.

I think you're right To follow instructions.

Um, Laura ?

I got a crush on you.

Burt.

No, curt. Oh, I meant that. I meant curt.

You're so sweet And so innocent.

But yet, you always seem To have something going on in your mind.

Would, uh,

Would you consider Taking a walk with me ?

I'm gonna try And finish up here.

Honey, I'm back !

And I have picked up A piece of information...

You'd practically Pay to hear.

John Cameron Swazye-- Hopscotching the world for news.

Burt, get Mr. Beige.

Yes, sir. Wait'll you get a load of this.

Tell me now.

This is just gonna Make you twitch.

I hate to have anybody Barge in on me when I'm a-dreamin'.

How can I tell that ? You were sitting up in front of the tv ?

How am I gonna tell You were having a dream ?

[ thunder rumbling ]

Mr. Beige.

I've got a bit Of news for you. that's nice.

I don't get no paper.

You guys using The same gag book ?

What was this news That you had for me ?

Well, it seems...

That an abandoned Lincoln Continental was found in an open field...

Up the shield's valley.

So ? It was full of bullet holes.

- why is that ? - for no apparent reason.

But the bullets that did The work might be of interest to you.

Why ?

They were from a .50 caliber Sharps buffalo rifle.

Oh, I see. Is that all ?

Yeah.

Well, in that case, I reckon I'll just wander on back to the bunkhouse...

Before I lose track Of that dream I was having.

You see, I was dreaming that I was in ancient Egypt. this here pharaoh--

Hold on a minute, Henry.

Let's just try To focus here a minute.

I get the picture.

Uh, that Lincoln automobile Was shot up...

With the same kind of gun That killed that steer of yours.

Well, if this doesn't Interest you, Mr. Beige,

I hope you won't be offended If I pursue it.

Oh, that's fine. Go right ahead.

But you know, there's One incredible thing that I gotta find out.

- what's that ? - was I just a commoner ?

I don't follow.

Was I a commoner Or was I actually a member...

Of the Pharaoh's Royal family ?

You see, in this dream...

I was a-standing up there On top of that pyramid with the pharaoh,

And it was just like we knowed Each other for years and years.

and the Nile was a-flowin' down there below us...

And the slaves was a-bowin' And a-scrapin'...

And there was Dancing girls, and--

[ Curt ] Oh, god, she's beautiful.

Like a flower...

Or a fawn.

So carefree.

She's almost Like... Bambi.

[ sighs ]

Oh. You look beautiful.

Take them. God made them.

Well,

I got 'em now.

Laura ?

Yes, Curt ?

Could we kiss ?

Yes, curt.

But curt-- Yes, Laura ?

I don't think I'm too good.

You'll show me, Won't you ?

[ moans ]

[ sighs ]

[ buttons popping ]

[ moans ]

Who does this car Belong to ?

Why don't you ask The highway patrol ?

They sent me for it.

Looks like Baby face nelson's.

Thanks, pal.

Officer, um, can you Tell me who that Lincoln continental belongs to ?

The one you just Sent to the dump ?

It's belongs to A Mr. Wilbur Fargo. what's the story ?

Well, it was Stolen and vandalized. that's all we know right now.

We got a real feeling It was Negroes.

Wait a minute. I'm way Out of line. let's just say it could've been negroes.

Have you got Mr. Fargo's address ? sure.

When was the last time You saw a negro in Livingston ?

On the 1:15 from billings. It was a redcap.

You sure it wasn't Al Jolson ?

All right, all right. I realize your car...

Was amply covered By insurance,

But I have A special reason to want to know...

If you have any notion Of who might taken it.

I don't know, And I don't wanna know.

Sounds to me like maybe You don't want to know.

That may be it.

You already know ? No.

I think you do. You're full of shit then.

What is it ? Who you trying to protect ?

Nobody.

Who is it, Wilbur ? I just said I didn't know.

Now you're gonna have to get The hell out of my house.

You trying to protect Yourself ? no.

I think you are. Well, what if I am ?

What if I am trying To protect myself ?

What of it ? All right, Wilbur.

Let's you and i Leave it at that.

But, uh, just for The sake of reason,

Why don't you count On seeing me again.

[ train bell clanging ]

That was Burt.

Says go ahead And rent a semi.

I tried to get him To split with us on the rental.

He knows we got the Baseheart Of Bozeman money, though.

He wants us to front The expenses, take it off the top out of the profits.

Real sharpie.

He said he lined up a feed lot In rainbow rock, south Dakota,

Where we can lay out The whole load.

It'll be days probably Before they discover that stock missing.

So John Brown's not Even interested.

At least not enough To go riding around his ranch. hi.

Boys ? Couple of coffees, huh ?

Stock's gonna be up In that upper corral near antelope Butte.

We'll just drive The truck up there and load 'em in.

Where is Burt and curt Gonna be at ? asleep in the bunkhouse.

He was real clear About that. we blow it, he says he doesn't know us.

What are we gonna Do with the money ?

[ chuckles ] I don't know.

[ sighs ]

This is just to keep From falling asleep. don't you know that ?

Well, Thank you.

Old pal,

The thing is, I don't have Any trouble keeping awake.

All right, Then I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll finish this job,

Retire at rancho deluxe,

Just south of the big Rock candy mountain.

And we'll be Wide awake !

[ cows mooing ]

This is the life, Huh, Burt ?

Yeah, it sure is, curt.

Riding the old range.

♪ where the deer And the antelope play ♪

[ chuckling ]

♪ where seldom's heard ♪

♪ a discouraging word ♪

♪ and the skies Are not cloudy all day ♪

Well, I reckon we got Enough cattle in there to fill that damn truck.

How long you been Working ranches now ?

This time, Two years, three.

I used to do ranch work In high school in the summers.

What'd you do Before you came here ?

Modeled hot combs On Butte television. what'd you do ?

Appliance repair.

One of us will have to Come up in the morning,

Wipe out the semi tracks.

After that, it's just sit back And wait for payday.

[ chuckling ] Well--

Tell you the truth, I got mine just about spent.

On what ? I'm gonna take me a winter vacation.

Gonna hire me a villa Down in puerto vallarta,

Where Elizabeth Taylor And them go.

How's about you ?

Aw, you'd just laugh.

I probably will, but...

Why don't you Tell me anyway ?

I wanna ask Laura To marry me.

I was afraid That was it.

Yeah, well, she'd be Just as surprised as you are, I guess.

We ain't got That far along yet.

But I know that's What I wanna do.

Did you get In her pants yet ?

Don't start in, Burt.

Did you get any tit ?

Get any titty off her ? Whoo !

[ both laughing ]

Whoo ! Ah ! ah ! Curt !

[ laughing ] Kiss me again, curt.

You know, honey,

I'm beginning to see the light.

Would this be the light At the end of the tunnel ?

No, this would be Light in general.

I am beginning to see...

What that little twerp Was trying to hide.

What little twerp ?

i am not sure this would interest you, Mr. Beige.

It has to do with Solving a little problem we have around here.

- what problem would that be ? - that would be rustling, Mr. Beige.

Well, I'll be dogged. Listen at him now.

yes, you listen to me, all right. all of you.

We are the victims of crime,

And it just seems To bore you.

it even bores you, Mr. Beige. it don't exactly bore me.

Don't you understand ? I have got a hot lead.

Well, run her down then, son. Don't let me take the fun out of it for you.

take the fun out of it for me ?

You aren't gonna take The fun out of it for me,

You 2,000-year-old Rangeland cornball, and I'll tell you why.

Because you're gonna get Your shrunken ass...

The hell out of here In 24 hours !

Well, 24 hours will be Just about fine with me.

Uncle Henry !

John, I think this has been In despicable taste.

I'm being bled to death By cattle thieves,

I'm trying to keep From drowning, and you want to review my taste ?

You have got to promise me That you're joking !

Laura ? [ horse whinnies ]

[ Laura sobbing ]

It's okay.

It'll be All right.

Oh, it's just that Uncle Henry has always been such a nice person,

So good to everybody,

And it just broke My heart to see him so old and helpless.

I know, darling, I know. [ sobbing ] oh, don't call me darling.

Why ? Because !

I can't have anything To do with this place after uncle Henry's failure.

Oh, Laura-- I just can't !

Laura, please. There's no chance for uncle Henry now.

Another day We'll be gone.

[ sobbing ]

That great old man, The great stock detective...

Will have to look defeat In the face.

But I still don't See why I can't call you darling.

Oh, you can't see that ? no, I can't. i really can't.

It's because I love you.

And since uncle Henry's failed,

I have to stick by his side...

And-and take him home.

If I let you call me Them endearments,

It'd just be admitting Everything I gotta leave.

And that would be hard.

Too hard.

[ sobbing ]

It's okay. It'll be okay.

It's okay.

I'll explain it to you.

Do you call this Real life, Cecil ? it is to me, Jack.

I'd like to not Give it up.

I just noticed how Wide awake I am. now why is that ?

Fear, I'd say, Jack. How many pairs of clean socks you bringing ?

I am not a monster. I am a property owner.

John ! John, it's me, Cora !

What's that mean, Cora ?

You sounded like You were addressing the multitudes.

Well, it just seems Plain to me,

But I've got the goods On the rustler.

Is there only one ?

I've got the goods, That's all. will you hand me a towel, honey ?

Mmm.

I don't see why I should wait-- Just because it'd be polite--

For that dipshit Henry Beige...

To solve this thing At some remote future date.

That sagebrush nincompoop.

All right, john, What are you gonna do then ?

I am going to settle This mess... today !

Whoo ! let's go. [ cattle mooing ]

All right, now, Let's go.

Let's go.

Go on.

Let's go, cattle. Whoo !

Whoo ! Go on.

[ shouting, whistling ]

Wilbur Fargo.

You know that, Brown.

You are under arrest. Officer crane has the papers.

What's the charge ?

You are charged with willfully Destroying your own automobile to collect the insurance...

And with operating A rustling ring.

I thought you'd be smart enough To use a different rifle for different jobs.

Now wait just a damn minute. I've got some talking to do.

[ engine revving ]

I'm glad you can deal With this mother.

Fifteen gears ?

Which you can split.

So that makes 30,

Plus Mexican overdrive.

You remember To fuel it ?

I thought it was full When we rented it.

Check the gas gauge.

I didn't know You were nervous.

Full to the top ! All right.

Ladies, That handsome peach pie has caught my eye.

Let me serve you A piece then.

Would you care for A cold cola ?

No, thanks. Pie'll be just fine.

Care for a chokecherry Tart, Mr. Beige ?

Of course I do, but...

It's time this old reprobate Was going to work.

Hold still.

Now y'all take care Of yourself !

Thanks for the pie, Ladies !

What's Mexican overdrive ? Neutral.

Whoo ! [ whinnies ]

Oh, gee.

[ whinnies ]

Come out, boys !

Join the party !

[ engine shuts off ] Yes, sir.

Shut her down. You're gonna stay a while.

Come on around Here, feller.

Okay, down the line. Down the line.

[ all applauding ]

Put the cuffs On 'em, boys.

Ladies, I'll have Another piece of that pie !

Cora, I've got it !

I've got it. I know who it is.

I got it !

John Brown, you come on inside And let me buy you a drink.

[ whimpering ]

Goddamn it !

I really trusted her. I really thought she loved me.

Brown, here's my bill.

You can pay it, Or you can use it to wipe the pablum off your chin.

I'll pay it. Don't make me no never mind. I'm in it for the sport.

I'm gonna give you A rule of thumb.

You foller it, and You might be able to hang on to this ranch of yours.

All large-scale crime Is an inside job.

Running up and down the road A-taking fingerprints...

And sending trash off To the crime labs...

Just don't get it done.

You're dealing with people, You gotta be human.

Come on, Henry. Let's get the hell out of this pop stand.

I wanna get to great falls And spend my cut.

[ chuckles ]

You try to Remember it today.

Two-year-old steers In the north pasture.

Cows, calves And bred heifers in the south.

Got it.

And I'll make The lunch while you practice walking...

That coin Between your fingers.

You can wash The dishes while I practice card tricks.

Whatever you say, cec.

We can find a way.

♪ cold, blue mornin' ♪

♪ the game is done ♪

♪ nobody lost, and ♪

♪ nobody won ♪

♪ so shuffle the cards up ♪

♪ play it again ♪

♪ really don't matter ♪

♪ if we lose We still win ♪

♪ yeah, we got to try And find a way ♪

♪ laugh, we gonna drink We gonna play ♪

♪ bouncin' 'round The mountains day to day ♪

♪ oh, crazy mountains ♪

♪ they named you well ♪

♪ white men and red men ♪

♪ stories that we heard tell ♪

♪ you're so mellow ♪

♪ from your tender wine ♪

♪ from your Sweetgrass foothills ♪

♪ to your timberline ♪

♪ ah, yeah, we got to try And find a way ♪

♪ gonna laugh, we gonna drink We gonna play ♪

♪ ah, bouncin' 'round The mountains day to day ♪