Original subtitles

B-Bar or Lazy-T?

B-Bar.

Now, why do you say that?

Because the fire road runs above their corrals and you can't see it from the house.

- Let's toss a coin. - Let's just decide.

- Can you walk a quarter between your fingers? - That's the first thing they teach you in jail.

How to walk a quarter between your fingers. Simple-minded card tricks are next.

- I'll do it. - My leader.

You can practice walking the coin.

You're real proud of it. Where's the saw?

In the back. Brought the little McCullough.

- That thing is so damned hard to start. - You are nervous.

- Shall I show you a few card tricks? - Just show me that thing start.

- Did you gas this mother up? - Smell it, Cecil. You flooded it.

Then we got to wait it out.

O, just a couple of sleepy rustlers waiting for somebody to come and mend the fence.

There's no way out except the fire road, so no trouble making the arrest.

How many cows is B-Bar running here?

A couple of thousand on the summer range.

Minus this one.

Right. Don't forget that one.

See, if we were grown-ups, the B-Bar would be running a full 2,000 head.

Now they're down to 1,999, there's hardly any sense in going on. I'll give it another try.

- Jack - Mm?

- Do you believe in the tooth fairy? - Who takes your tooth from under the pillow?

- I do if you do, Cecil. - Well, I do too, then.

I'm planning to watch the Tuesday night livestock report.

See what we can get for four hooves, a head and some cow guts.

We know it's not a coyote this time.

Let's report it before it gets blamed on us.

My plan would be to mail that to somebody.

Well, all right. If that means something to you.

I hate to be so late with the rent. We've been out of town.

Now there's a problem transferring funds from a savings account to our checking account

without losing our Christmas bonus.

Come on, get to the point.

We were hoping to pay our rent with 100 pounds of US prime beef.

This is about double what we owe you.

Or more.

Is this reservation cattle?

No, ma'am. Grain-fed. We swapped a jeep for it.

We don't wanna lose our Christmas bonus at the bank,,,,

Last month it was a sheep.

Next month it will be hard cash.

And it was still warm.

Yes, ma'am. It cost us a Rototiller. We got beat out of a lot of value on that one.

OK.

We was gonna check the livestock report, see what hooves was going for.

Shut up, Curt! How in hell did they get in here?

Fire service road.

- I'm gonna close that road. - You can't. It's the fire road.

I'll go to see the governor and close that road. I've closed service roads all over Montana.

I'm not gonna have a West that's not free.

I'll not have my stock breaking their legs in gopher burrows.

I'll not have a West that's not free.

And at this point in the 200th century, I'm not gonna be plagued by rustlers.

- Who's that chopper mechanic? - Linsday.

Tell him we hunt predators, airlift big game, and track rustlers with this son of a bitch

and we can't afford carburetor trouble in blind canyons again.

Yes sir, I'll tell him.

Sure sounds good to me now, though.

One more bit of engine trouble,

and I stand up at the Cattlemen's Association and announce what a piece of shit this thing is.

Let's get the hell outta here.

How are you, Betty?

Bored.

- What you tying this week? - Royal Coachman.

And you're bored? That sounds like an interesting fly.

Fuck you, Jack

- Do you wanna go out with me? - I haven't any idea.

I thought we could go over to the Wrangler and shoot a little pool.

- Buy a cheeseburger. - Dynamite.

- D'you want to come out and play tonight? - Well...

I'm supposed to help my sister catch her horses up in the Crazies.

- If your sister'll go out with Cecil, we'll help you. - All right, but bring your own horses.

- Come on, Cecil.

- Hold on now. Dee and me are working this out.

- Says you. - Come on. Leave her to her work,,,,

- Just got you a date with Betty's sister Mary. - All right.

She's the tastiest lady around here, if you ask me.

Lips of cherry wine and eyes like diamonds.

Yeah, that's the one.

Shall I bring a lot of rubbers?

- Indians. Jesus! - Sorry.

Just trying to embrace the new culture.

- We gotta help catch their dad's horses. - Where at?

- Up in the Crazies. - All right.

Honey. I'm back

- How are things in the wild blue yonder? - You look fantastic.

All right, John.

Cecil, have you ever watched chickens fucking?

- I wouldn't say "watched". - Have you ever listened?

You must be these ladies' dad.

- Afternoon, Mr... - Dog. Bob Dog.

I'm Cecil Colson, North American Indian.

We're here to help catch the horses.

My bet is they've gone half wild up there in them Aspens.

How right you are.

Makes you really wonder if you should have given in

when they whined and whined for another Appaloosa barrel racer.

- They've probably reverted to bucking stock - Shut up, Jack, and take off that mask.

Give me a hand here.

I've gotta git.

Just run all your ponies into the old corral. I'll send a stock truck up for them.

OK., Dad. Bye-bye Daddy.

- (,Jack, ) How many horses are we looking for? - Five.

(Cecil) Where shall we start looking?

Let's throw the I Ching and see.

(Betty) No, we ain't throwing no I Ching to find no horses. Damn.

Eat it, Betty.

High-school kids can't pick their noses without getting stoned and throwing the I Ching.

You can't sleep at night without humping cowboys in the driveway.

Watch your lip, Mary.

Or demolition-derby drivers, bank tellers, brand inspectors, just to name a few.

(Cecil) Ladies, damn, I'm getting disillusioned.

Let's just ride up there and catch these ponies.

This is America today.

God wants America on horseback finding lost Appaloosa barrel racers.

Do I make myself clear?

(Betty) Mary, you and Cecil go to the top of the south pasture.

We'll go down the forest service line and herd 'em back from there.

If we catch one,

it'll be simple with the others, OK?

- Right. - OK.

- Make it to the tree, she'll dive for his fly. - Now, you don't know that.

I do. She's a dumb twot and I can't stand her.

She flushed two lids down the toilet on me,

smashed my black light,

tore up my posters, scratched my Humble Pie albums.

- What's the difference in age between you? - Two years.

But she's about exactly half as hip as my grandma is cranking out doilies.

(Jack) Jesus, Betty.

Oh, Jesus!

(Betty) Just like that!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, Jesus.

(Betty) Ooh.

Oh, yeah!

That is dyno-supreme.

I am loaded.

Stony weed, I tell you.

The most possible primo.

- Ooh. Oh, my. Oh, yeah! - Betty.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby!

Come on.

Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

Oh! Oh, baby!

Jack

You miserable son of a bitch!

- Is nothing sacred to you?

Why have I asked you to save these?

I have asked you to save these because they will help show us

that these rustling cases are all the work of the same man.

A lot of people have 270s, Mrs. Brown.

Curt, you're a slow boat to China.

Burt, will you tell Curt what I told you?

- Curt. - Yes, Burt.

The firing pin of a rifle is like a fingerprint.

We're gonna send those cases to the ballistics lab.

All right.

Anybody feel like dancing?

How about you, slow boat?

The music's a little hard to dance to.

Come on, goddamn it. I want some gothic ranch action around here.

I want some desire under the elms.

I want to see some smouldering glances down at the old corral.

I don't know, Mrs. Brown.

Gee, Mrs. Brown.

Well, piss off, then. Jesus Christ!

Tweedledy-dee and Tweedledy-dum.

What do I want with beef? I have nothing to trade you anyway.

- How about your dirt bike? - My Elsinore? Are you nuts?

That's worth more than your steer.

- What kind of condition was this animal in? - Real choice.

- You got a nice rifle? - I got a Sharp's Buffalo rifle.

A real plains rifle made by WC Freund.

- What calibre? - 50 Sharp's.

I'd trade my rifle for your quarter.

How many ribs on a quarter?

I'm so glad you asked.

It's a three-rib quarter. It'll run to half the weight of that side.

Throw in the kidneys and liver and you got a deal. If you want a deal.

I'll take your Sharp's.

Jack and me are about the last of the plainsmen.

Today's Enterprise announced that old John Brown bought the Lazy-T.

It doesn't matter which fork we took it was still gonna be one of his cows.

I'm glad we got it in storage.

I didn't like the feeling when that chainsaw flooded.

I don't know if John Brown's so bad, either.

He'll keep tourists from putting an aluminum house trailer on a quarter acre of pasture.

- Ever see Cheyenne Autumn? - Oh, yes.

Well, in another 20 years, they're gonna make Aluminum Autumn.

- You bored, John? - Yeah.

What do you want to do?

I don't know.

Want to go look for signs of the rustlers?

They probably haven't even been around.

Darling, that's not my fault.

And it's not my fault there are no more ranches to buy around here.

Why don't you run into Livingston and get yourself a hat?

- I don't feel like it. - I've got it, John.

I've got it.

Why don't you call a press conference on this rustling?

You know, that's not a bad idea, Cora. That's really not.

I could declare war on rustling.

Can you beat that? John Brown has declared war on rustlers in Park,,, County. That's us.

Before you whites came here, we had a simple existence in these shining mountains,

under this big sky.

- Horseshit. - We had that, too.

Cec, your relatives were primarily bucktoothed squaw-humpers from the east.

It sure was something with them ladies last night.

What's the matter?

We've got to jack up this here ante on John Brown.

- Let's burn his barn. - No, really. I mean it.

Let's burn and pillage.

You fuckin' Indian.

Are you interested in this livestock exposition?

You mean now we're in the cattle business?

Let's skip these runners-up and also-rans.

- Let's go for the biggest and the best. - What's that?

Let's see what won the top seed bull.

I want to see the winning chicken.

We're gonna skip the chicken.

I'm into Blue Ribbon cabbages. I want to see one.

Let's keep our eye on the ball.

(man) This fine bull, Baseheart of Boseman Canyon,

has compiled more than twice the number of points needed here tonight

to win this blue ribbon.

He has tremendous thickness and length

and at show time checked in at twenty-six hundred pounds.

His mother, at 14 years of age,

is still running in the high country with her grandchildren.

This bull has it all:

size,

bone, trimness, color.

It just brings tears to my eyes.

John Brown,

I wonder if you could say a word or two to Baseheart of Boseman Canyon's admirers?

Thank you, Bob. Honey, come on up here.

My wife and I thank you all.

I would like to say to my fellow breeders

that in twenty years of breeding from this stock

you can count the steers on one hand.

Our bull calves have, on the whole, grown up to be bulls.

(man) All right!

(Cecil) OK. Ain't he something?

Seriously, we have the top matrons and the top sires.

We raise very correct cattle at the B-Bar Lazy-T.

And if we do the same with our citizens,

maybe these chainsaw rustlers will give us a chance to show you

some of Baseheart of Boseman Canyon's grandsons.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

- Burt, you load that bull. - Yes sir, John.

Excuse me, sir.

This might seem obvious to you, but do you maintain this quality with all your bulls?

- Damn sure do. - All thorough pedigrees?

- You bet. - Performance-tested before you sell?

- Semen-tested? - Yes.

Certificates of soundness from a reputable vet?

Absolutely.

What's that baby there worth?

About fifty thousand big ones.

Do you like your work?

I feel it's a growing industry and I'm growing with it.

Baseheart couldn't care less who's driving.

I'd like to go from one piece of ass to another and get money and blue ribbons for the job.

That'd be checking out in style.

Why should we have to hide from a helicopter?

- (Jack) Private land, Betty. - (Mary) It's landing.

(Jack) Bird that owns it would run us in so quick...

(Mary) I'll be darned.

Jack, let's go down there and see what they were up to.

Ladies, go look for a swimming hole with some warm rocks.

We're just curious to see what these ranch fascists do with their machinery.

Should we count it?

- I don't think that would be too interesting. - No, neither do I.

- Do you like to be prosperous? - Isn't that interesting?

Maybe a party would be interesting.

Baseheart'll have to fuck his ass off to make up for this.

I was tempted to trap them but I didn't want to risk losing Baseheart.

That goddamn animal is my signature on the American West.

Honey, I'm with you. Let's just hope.

I'm staring at a bad loss more than financially.

The note said we go to room 203 for another clue?

No, we get an exact and complete description of Baseheart's whereabouts. It said that.

Could we have the key to room 203? Something's there for us.

I'll come, too.

I've had complaints about that room.

- What complaints? - Must be honeymooners in that room.

What name is it registered under?

John and Cora Brown. They don't answer the phone.

They're just having the noisiest damned honeymoon, carrying on.

I went and knocked.

Sounded like they were on the bed. It was hellacious.

Are you kin?

Kind of.

(manager) Do you suppose that mother'd ever charge?

What have you got in mind for this week?

- I want to spend some time with my old man. - That's remarkable.

- Why? - I was thinking about visiting my folks.

- Is that right? - Yeah. I've been thinking about it.

I might as well. I don't see how we're gonna top this week,,,

Let's take a vacation.

Come on, old man.

We're gonna float the river.

Aw, Cec. I don't feel up to it.

Shit you don't.

I got the picnic and about a hundred big hoppers.

You got a hundred big hoppers?

You got a raft to use?

I just bought a dandy new Mackenzie boat.

- Got it? - Right.

- What are these, Cec? - They're all bacon, lettuce and tomato.

We could have eaten them hoppers.

Old boys on the reservation used to eat grasshoppers.

Full of nourishment. They're supposed to taste good, too.

Let's find out. Hm?

- Damn, Cecil!

It's not bad. Come on now Daddy. It's what our forebears done.

Some of them, Cec.

We're supposed to have some royalty in there, too.

The Prince of Angolia or something.

You ain't doing no crime or nothing? No offence intended.

- I don't know what you mean. - There ain't no visible means of support.

And this boat, you know. And that jazzy pick-up truck

I've had about 150 jobs in the last month.

All right. It's all right.

Let me tell you another thing.

I seen more of this state's poor cowboys, miners, railroaders and Indians

go broke buying pick-up trucks.

The poor people of this state are dope-fiends for pick-up trucks.

Once they get ten cents ahead, they trade in on a new truck.

The families, homesteads, schools, hospitals and happiness of Montana

have been sold down the river to buy pick-up trucks.

It is a sickness here worse than alcohol and dope.

It is the pick-up truck debt.

And there's no cure in sight.

Well, I do see what you mean.

Really.

But I own this truckin partners with Jack We do a lot of hauling with it.

- Jack. Get the front door, would you?

Hello, Anna.

We're going to leave you two alone.

Jack. I can see that you really question my judgement on this.

That's right, Mother. I question your judgement.

- Now look - Get out!

I'm about to question your goddamn judgement.

Did you hear me?

- I don't know why they did this. - They left it up to me.

So I came. I wanted to see you, look at you.

It makes it harder, Anna.

Damn.

I'd just gotten so I could come here at all.

Hey.

How do you like being single?

- I guess it's the only way I can live. - Jack.

Couldn't I come and see you?

God. Why?

So we can work on each other again?

Lock ourselves in the house,

crawl around and weep and take tranquillizers?

Talk about suicide and pointlessness again? Is that what you wanna do?

Anna, don't you understand yet that we make each other insane?

God, that last week we had together...

..you were too crazy to wash your face or brush the knots out of your hair.

We mutilated each other! Don't you understand?

I still love you.

I don't care.

I love you and I don't want any more of it!

I don't want any more of it!

- Are you sure that's them? - Sure as shooting.

- Is that pretty sure? - That's real sure.

You're not that bad. Just play for shape instead of blasting away.

- Are you Indian? - Part.

Indians never get too good at pool.

I thought maybe you were Jewish or a greaser.

So, as you were saying?

Well, John Brown has seized on this rustling

'cause he's kinda sad, bored, you know.

All this sleuthing excites him.

What about that stock detective?

Where did that come from?

John has hired this Henry Beige. He's out of Two Dot, Montana.

He's got a great reputation. He'll be here tomorrow.

He's pretty old. He's bringing his niece to take care of him.

Won't that kind of take away from John Brown's fun?

I was thinking the same thing. I hope not.

He's been sleeping nights lately instead of rambling around the ranch yard

with insomnia.

When we recovered Baseheart of Boseman Canyon,

he was happier than if we'd never lost him.

The ransom on that son of a bitch made every stockman's paper in the country

and every regular paper in the West.

- There you go. - Got another quarter?

Do you figure it was the same rustlers? The ones we've been reading about?

Oh, I know who it is.

- Oh, you do? - Mm-mm.

Bring your man backin the middle, you'll play better.

'Cause I beat you 2 already and we're playing 3 out of 5 for championship of the universe.

Well, who is it?

Who's what?

That's rustling off your stock

Come on, Jack

Tell me.

It's you.

- No, seriously. - I am serious. You're the rustler.

Hell, why do you... Why do you say that?

Well, me and Burt told the old man we wanted to come to town

and wanted one more chance to catch the rustlers, the culprits.

We told him we wanted to run down some leads.

It was the only way to get the night off.

Since you and Cecil are the only two we talked to,

you gotta be the hot leads.

But I have to believe you are the rustlers,

or my conscience'll hurt me

and all I'll want to do is drink and play bar games.

I believe in fun.

I believe in having it all now. I believe in hygiene.

I believe in a good old time. I believe in getting it all while you can.

Is there anything you don't believe in, May?

I don't believe in letting your meatloaf.

- I'd like to introduce two celebrity friends. - Jack, I know who they are.

Burt and Curt of the B-Bar Lazy-T.

Well, anyway.

Let me tell you,

we're still offering standard acts and jobs at the standard rates.

Although the livestock has picked up in quality,

we have not raised our price on Half and Half, Round the World, or your straight show.

We have, however, cancelled the old Hershey Highway.

But we are willing to negotiate on circuses, sultan slavery, harems

or any kind of free-form fandango somebody wants to invent for himself.

Well, we promised Burt and Curt a treat.

- So you let them pick and we'll cover it. - (May) Come on, pick.

- We want 'em all. - Yep.

It's yours. Our word's good.

That's gonna spoil about three hundred dollars.

No, we bought it, May. Cec and I are men of our word.

You get in there and raise it to three fifty.

Who's gonna answer the phone?

- Do you wanna wake these rustlers up? - They sure was generous.

They're good boys.

No question.

Let's wake 'em and buy 'em some breakfast.

How do you feel about your wages up there?

- It's more the way of life than it is the salary. - Come on, answer seriously.

The wages are lousy. Three fifty a month, room and board.

Mrs. Brown tells the cook,,,, to make the food too spicy.

Why do you ask?

Are you rustlers looking for some inside help?

- It might be fun to talk about, anyway. - Sure it would.

Just to help us stay awake.

Why don't we all go for a swim?

(Jack) My concern is whether we can turn around in the upper pasture.

(Curt) Don't worry about that. If it don't look,, good, we'll go up and make a turnaround.

You know you're gonna have to take it a good ways east to get away from brand inspection.

(Jack) Yeah, I know.

- And the split is a simple four-way. - (Jack) Absolutely.

I think we got a deal, then.

What about the stock detective?

No problem.

I recommended him to Brown.

Is he honest?

As the day is long.

Poor bastard is so old he creaks like the inner sanctum.

He still don't believe he's got the job. He can hardly get from room to room.

Let's get dressed. I got something in the truck I wanna show you.

You boys left this down at the locker plant.

If you're gonna have a sport coat made out of it, have the brand removed first.

Where's the geezer?

He's coming. His niece is helping him come down from the bunk house.

Jesus, Cora.

He doesn't even look mobile.

Laura, what do you do when you're not lending your Uncle Henry a helping hand?

I help my mom.

What about when you're not helping her?

I go over to the Senior Citizens and help the old folks.

- Livingston? - No, ma'am, in Choteau.

- What else do you do? - I sew.

(Cora) What do you sew?

I make nice things for nice folks.

You are a remarkable girl, Laura.

All I want is for folks to be happy.

- It's a big, wide wonderful world... - Can it, Laura. We're trying to eat.

Holy Christ Almighty.

Have you always been a stock detective, Mr. Beige?

- No. - What did you do before that?

I was a horse thief. That's how I made such a good stock detective.

One time I had 400 head of stolen horses in my corrals up on Sixteen Mile River.

I had to put 'em on the electric train to transfer 'em over to the Northern Pacific

and ship them into a four-state area inside 48 hours.

I could ship a stolen horse faster than you could move an airmail letter.

- I was the very best. - Why did you quit?

I got caught. Sent me up to the penitentiary at Deer Lodge.

I spent three years breaking horses up yonder

while everybody was having a fine time in World War II.

When I realized that my thievery had cost me the circus of the century,

I decided to go straight, work on the other side of the law.

Well, Mr Beige. I think it's about time we acclimate you to the B-Bar Lazy-T.

This country around here is a little steeper than what you're used to.

See that peak up there?

Squaw Mountain. It's about 11,000. Careful. Thatta boy.

(John) We raise very correct cattle at the B-Bar ranch.

The last time I saw him on his feet was four days ago.

That little simp, Laura, brings him food three times a day.

Mr. Beige told me that very often his mere presence puts an end to rustling.

Evidently his reputation precedes him.

I don't know why, Cora. I sort of feel we've been had.

To me, the worst of it is the way Curt and Burt follow Laura around.

We're not gettin' half the use out of them we once did.

I'm afraid our two chimps are in love.

They come knuckling out of the bunk house every morning,

trying to get to Laura's side to help bring Mr. Beige's breakfast to him.

Darlin'?

Are you ever sorry we got out of the beauty-parlor business?

Gee, I miss Connectity sometimes.

Jack, I just got to find out what this bastard can do.

Cecil, no! Jesus! Cecil, Jesus Christ!

- Hi, boys. - Hello.

Burt and me thought you ought to know what bad planning feels like.

Thank you.

What does it feel like?

- You made your point. - Boys, I got a question.

When we're fixing to skate off a semi-truck load of living veal,

what in the hell are you doing up here penny-anteing for one steer?

- Sport. - Sport.

Cecil and I are sportsmen.

Let me tell you, wise guy.

We have to go up and get Mr. Henry Beige now and bring him to the kill.

I don't know what you were shooting with, but you for sure could hear it at the ranch.

I don't know what they shot this steer with

but it blowed a hole in him you could throw a cat through.

It's got my curiosity up.

It's either been hit by a bazooka or an express train.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, here she comes.

Hell, I'll be doggone.

If I wasn't so old, I wouldn't know what that was.

- What is it, Mr. Beige? - It's a 50-calibre bullet.

- What kind of gun? - A Sharp's Buffalo rifle.

You know, things is getting downright romantic.

I don't know what these boys got in mind.

But it's a good sign they wanted us to get dressed up.

They're nice boys, but I don't need to get grossed out again.

This is a weird mixture of yin and yang.

So many animal karmas have bit the dust here.

- Just eat, Mary. - Bite my ass, Betty.

Girls.

Take your hand outta my crotch, Jack!,

- Betty, the orchestra heard you. - Betty's so spiritual.

Play a polka!

Come on!

Whoo-hoo!

Let's go.

You may go, Officer. I have recovered my Lincoln Continental Mark IV.

Come in, Mother, and have a look

Come in, Mrs. Kamer.

Come in Aunt Bea and Uncle Ramsay and see the floozies and the whoremongers.

Grandma, Grandpa Hooper, don't hold back

Come on in and see what the world has come to.

Filth and evil is one subject I'm slow to tolerate.

That's two subjects.

Son, you are in a dangerous country and I'd advise you...

I knew if I kept this by my bed long enough, some worm would turn up here.

That's what I call self-fulfilling prophecy. Now get down on your knees.

Fast!

Boy, I'm in a bad mood.

OK.,. Now fold your hands in front of you and beg your daughters for forgiveness.

Faster. I'll blow you to kingdom come.

Forgive me, girls.

If you had any right to do this, you wouldn't get down on your knees for me.

(Grandma) That boy is 100 per cent right. I don't care who hears me say it.

You had no right, Wilbur.

I knew you knew better, Grandma.

It's these World War I war babies we're having trouble with.

If any of you follow us in the next hour or two,

you may just find me in the front yard with this nasty-looking heater in my hand.

As for you, dork don't press charges.

If you do, they'd better catch me quick 'cause I'll come looking for your ass.

Let's go.

Jack!,

Follow me. I'm gonna take a ride in this Lincoln Continental Mark IV.

We're beaucoup committed now. Let's ride in style.

No wonder them old boys had such reputations.

This is an amazing piece.

Go for the hood ornament.

You got it.

What are you up to?

Mrs. Brown asked me to hoover these Navajos.

Be careful not to unravel them with that machine.

I'd never use no hoover on Indian rugs.

Mrs. Brown said I was to do it this way and these are Mrs. Brown's Navajos.

- Well, she's a jerk-off. - Huh? What?

That's just an expression I heard.

Mrs. Brown probably knows best about her own Navajos.

Yeah, I think that's true, Laura.

When she told me to hoover, I just hoovered. I didn't ask no further questions.

I think you're right to follow instructions.

Laura, I got a crush on you.

Burt.

- Curt. - I meant that. I meant Curt.

You're so sweet and so innocent.

Yet you always seem to have something going on in your mind.

Would you consider taking a walk with me after I finish up here?

Honey, I'm back!,

And I have picked up some information you would practically pay to hear.

John Cameron Swayze hopscotching the world for news.

- Burt, get Mr. Beige. - Yes, sir.

- Wait till you get a load of this. - Tell me now.

This is just gonna make you twitch.

I hate anybody barging in on me when I'm a-dreaming.

How can I tell that? You was sitting in front of the TV.

How am I gonna tell you were having a dream?

Mr. Beige. I've got a bit of news for you.

That's nice. I don't get no paper.

You guys using the same gag book?

What was this news that you had for me?

Well, it seems that an abandoned Lincoln Continental

was found in an open field up the Shields Valley.

- So? - It was full of bullet holes.

- Why's that? - For no apparent reason.

But the bullets that did the work might be of interest to you.

Why?

They were from a 50-calibre Sharp's Buffalo rifle.

Oh, I see. Is that all?

Yeah.

In that case, I'll go back to the bunk house before I lose track of that dream I was having.

I was a-dreaming that I was in Ancient Egypt. This here Pharaoh...

Hold on a minute, Henry. Let's just try to focus here a minute.

I get the picture.

That Lincoln automobile was shot up with the same kind of gun that killed that steer of yours.

Well, if this doesn't interest you, Mr. Beige, I hope you won't be offended if I pursue it?

That's fine. Go right ahead.

But you know, there's one incredible thing that I gotta find out.

- What's that? - Was I just a commoner?

(Cora) I don't follow.

Was I a commoner or was I a member of the Pharaoh's royal family?

You see, in this dream, I was standing up on top of that pyramid with the Pharaoh,

and it was like we'd known each other for years.

The Nile was a-flowing down below us

and the slaves was a-bowing and a-scraping,

and there was dancing girls and...

(Curt) God, she's beautiful.

Like a flower.

Or a fawn.

So carefree.

She's almost like...

..Bambi.

They're beautiful.

Take them. God made them.

Well...

I got 'em now.

Laura.

- Yes, Curt? - Could we kiss?

Yes, Curt.

- Curt? - Yes, Laura?

I don't think I'm too good.

You'll show me, won't you?

Oh.

Who does this car belong to?

Ask Highway Patrol. They sent me for it.

It looks like Baby Face Nelson's.

Thanks, pal.

Officer, can you tell me who the Lincoln Continental at the dump belongs to?

- It belongs to a Mr. Wilbur Fargo. - What's the story?

It was stolen and vandalized. That's all we know.

We've got a real feeling it was Negroes.

Wait, I'm way out of line. Let's just say it could have been Negroes.

- Have you got Mr. Fargo's address? - Sure.

When was the last time you saw a Negro in Livingston?

On the 1:15 from Billings. It was a redcap.

Are you sure it wasn't Al Jolson?

All right. I realize your car was amply covered by insurance,

but I have a special reason to want to know who might have taken it.

I don't know and I don't want to know.

- That sounds like you don't want to know. - That may be it.

- You already know? - No.

- I think you do. - Well, you're full of shit, then.

- What is it? Who are you trying to protect? - Nobody.

- Who is it, Wilbur? - I just said I didn't know.

- You're gonna get outta my house. - You protecting yourself?

- No. - I think you are.

Well, what if I am trying to protect myself? What of it?

All right, Wilbur. Let's you and I leave it at that,

but just for the sake of reason, why don't you count on seeing me again?

That was Burt.

He says go ahead and rent a semi.

I wanted him to split the rental.

He knows we got the Baseheart of Boseman money.

He wants us to front the expenses, take it out of the profits.

Real sharpie.

He said he lined up a feed lot in South Dakota where we can lay up the whole load.

It'll be days, probably, before they discover that stock missing.

So, John Brown's not even interested.

A least not enough to ride around his ranch.

- Boys? - A couple of coffees.

The stock's gonna be in the upper corral. We'll drive the truck up and load 'em in.

- Where's Burt and Curt gonna be at? - Asleep, in the bunk house.

He was clear about that. We blow it, he says he doesn't know us.

What are we gonna do with the money?

I don't know.

This is just to keep from falling asleep. Don't you know that?

- Well... old pal. - Thank you.

The thing is, I don't have any trouble keeping awake.

All right. Well, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll finish this job,

retire at Rancho Deluxe, just south of the Big RockCandy Mountain.

And we'll be wide awake.

This is the life, huh, Burt?

Yeah, it sure is, Curt.

Riding the old range.

Well, I reckon we got enough cattle in there to fill that damn truck.

How long you been working ranches now?

This time, two years straight. I used to do ranch work in high school in summers.

What did you do before you came here?

Model hot combs on Butte television. What did you do?

Appliance repair.

One of us'll have to come up in the morning, wipe out the semi tracks.

After that, it's just sit back and wait for payday.

- Hell. - Yeah.

Tell you the truth, I got mine just about spent.

- On what? - I'm gonna take me a winter vacation.

Gonna hire me a villa down in Porto Vallarta where Elizabeth Taylor and them go.

How's about you?

Aw, you'd just laugh.

I probably will but...

..why don't you tell me anyway?

I wanna ask Laura to marry me.

I was afraid that was it.

Well, she'd be as surprised as you are, I guess.

We ain't got that far along yet.

But I know that's what I wanna do.

Did you get in her pants yet?

Don't start in, Burt.

Did you get any tit?

- Get any tit off her? - Come on!

Oh, Curt! Kiss me again, Curt.

You know, honey... I'm beginning to see the light.

The light at the end of the tunnel?

No, light in general.

I am beginning to see what that little twerp was trying to hide.

What little twerp?

I am not sure this would interest you, Mr. Beige. It's to do with solving a little problem we have.

- What little problem would that be? - That would be rustling, Mr. Beige.

Well, I'll be darned. Listen at him now.

Yes, you listen to me, all of you.

We are the victims of crime and it just seems to bore you.

- It even bores you, Mr. Beige. - It don't exactly bore me.

Don't you understand? I have got a hot lead.

Well, run her down then, son. Don't let me take the fun out of it.

You aren't gonna take the fun out of it,

you 2000-year-old rangeland cornball, and I'll tell you why.

Because you're gonna get your shortcut ass the hell outta here in 24 hours!

- Well, 24 hours'll be just about time for me. - Uncle Henry.

Burt.

John, I think this has been in despicable taste.

I'm being bled to death by cattle thieves, I'm trying not to drown

and you want to review my taste.

You have got to promise me that you're joking!

Laura.

There, it's OK. You're all right.

Uncle Henry's always been such a nice person, so good to everybody.

It's just broke my heart to see him so old and helpless.

- I know, darlin'. I know. - Don't call me darling.

- But why? - Because.

I can't have anything to do with this place after Uncle Henry's failure. I just can't!

- Laura, please. - There's no chance for Uncle Henry now.

In another day we'll be gone.

A great old man, a great stock detective, will have to look defeat in the face.

But why can't I call you darling?

- You can't see that? - I can't. I really can't.

It's because I love you.

And since Uncle Henry's failed,

I have to stick by his side and take him home.

If I let you call me them endearments, it'd just be admitting everything I gotta leave.

And that would be hard.

Too hard.

It's OK. It'll be OK.

It's OK.

I'll explain it to you.

- Would you call this real life, Cecil? - It is to me. I'd like to not give it up.

- I've noticed how wide awake I am. Why is that? - Fear, I'd say.

I am not a monster. I am a property owner.

John, John. It's me, Cora.

What's that mean, Cora?

You sound like you're addressing the multitude.

Well, it just seems plain to me,

because I've got the goods on the rustler...

There's only one?

I've got their goods, that's all. Hand me a towel, honey.

I don't see why I should wait just to be polite

for that dipshit Henry Beige to solve this thing at some remote future date.

That sagebrush nincompoop.

All right, what are you gonna do then?

I am going to settle this mess today.

Let's go.

All right, cattle, let's go. Let's go.

Go on. Let's go, cattle.

Go on.

- Wilbur Fargo. - You know that, Brown.

You are under arrest. Officer Crane has the papers.

What's the charge?

You are charged with wilfully destroying your own automobile to collect the insurance

and with operating a rustling ring.

You should have used a different rifle for different jobs.

Now, wait just a damn minute. I've got some talking to do.

I'm glad you can deal with this mother.

- 15 gears. - Which you can split.

So that makes 30.

Plus Mexican overdrive.

- Did you remember to fuel it? - I thought it was full when we rented it.

Check the gas gauge. I didn't know you were nervous.

- Full to the top. - All right.

Ladies, that handsome peach pie has caught my eye.

Let me serve you a piece, then. Care for a cold cola?

- No, thanks. Pie'll be just fine. - Care for a chokecherry tart, Mr. Beige?

Of course I do, but...

..it's time this old reprobate was going to work,,,

Hold, Silver.

Now, y'all take care of yourself, and thanks for the pie, ladies.

What's Mexican overdrive?

Neutral.

Oh, gee.

Get out, boys.

Hands high!

Yes, shut her down. You're gonna stay a while.

Come on around here, fella.

OK. Down the line.

Big smile, boys. Give a smile.

Put the cuffs on 'em, boys.

Ladies, I'll have another piece of that pie.

Cora, I've got it. I know who it is.

I got it.

Come inside. Let me buy you a drink,,,

Goddamn it!

I really trusted her. I really thought she loved me.

Brown, here's my bill. You can pay it or use it to wipe the Pablum off your chin.

I'll pay it.

Don't make me no never mind. I'm in it for the sport.

I'm gonna give you a rule of thumb.

Follow it and you might be able to hang on to this ranch of yours.

All large-scale crime is an inside job.

Running up and down the road and sending fingerprints off to the crime labs

just don't get it done.

You're dealing with people, you gotta be human.

Come on, Henry. Let's get the hell outta this pop stand.

I wanna get to Great Falls and spend my cut.

You try to remember it today.

Two-year-old steers in the north pasture,

cows, calves and bred heifers in the south.

Got it.

I'll make the lunch while you practice walking that coin between your fingers.

- You can wash up while I practice card tricks. - Whatever you say, Cec.

We can find a way.