Original subtitles

(Door shuts)

- (Stuart) Do you want a drink? - (Remote bleeps)

- (Man) What have you got? - Everything.

l'll have a whisky.

Must be nice, living on Canal Street.

lt saves time.

l've seen you round. Are you two a couple or what?

No. We go back years. We were in school.

So is this what you do then -

threesomes?

- First time. - At your age?

First time together.

lf you two want to shag, l'm not just an extra cock, if you know what l mean.

Thing is, if he gets his kit off, l'm just gonna be laughing.

(Stuart) That's good sex.

- Not much happening down there. - Give it time.

- (Mobile phone) - Oh, sorry. Didn't switch it off.

Hello?

Oh, my God. When did that happen?

(Sighs) Gotta go.

So, what did they do?

lt's my neighbour. Someone's broken in downstairs.

Yeah, l'm coming now.

l'll have to check the flat.

Fuck off, then.

(Distant siren)

(Quiet music, chatting)

- Hey, how you doing, love? - Jimmy Clifton, you owe me a tenner.

- Oi, it's women on Tuesdays. - Don't tell me, tell your wife.

- Nice leathers, Hazel, must be boiling. - lt's like a sauna in here.

- Stuart Alan Jones. - (Man) Jesus.

You have a wank, l'll get the coffee.

Hazel Tyler and guest.

Vincent Tyler and guest.

- Who's he gonna take instead of you? - No, no chance.

His sister's wedding, though. You know what he's like in front of that lot.

- Yeah, l do, a twat. - So go with him.

lt's a big do, loads of people. You're not gonna look like a couple,

if that's what bothers you.

They've found Nathan.

Nathan who?

That's not all l've been told.

Three of you last night. Three of you left the club.

You, Vince and the shag, everyone's saying.

So?

Do us all a favour - cut out the middle man.

We've got the same dad. He married this woman, Yvonne. l was about six.

- She's loaded, Yvonne. She sells boats. - What's the sister called?

- Judith. - Oh.

There's a woman down our road getting married. She's not called Judith.

- (Rosalie) Do you get on? - Hardly know her.

- Why's that, then? Bad blood? - No, she lives in Macclesfield.

Er, if you're in the pub after work, there's a couple of drinks on me.

Sally's going to be there. We're celebrating. We've just got engaged.

Pass the word round.

Wedding fever. Clever little bastard.

You know Sally out of marketing? We're engaged.

l'll bet you he gets that job instead of me.

Cos he gets married - mortgage, kids, kitchen extension -

and the company loves it.

He might as well marry the shop.

lt's promotion guaranteed and he knows it. Bastard.

Who gives a shit? lt's a supermarket, Vince.

- 'Thanks very much.' - You don't mind? l'll be back by three.

- Try and make it two, will you? - (Whispers) Good boy.

Oh, yeah. They've found Nathan.

'Nathan who? Guess where Graham and Sally first met?'

Church. They took communion, side by side.

Just the games. Don't mess with my work stuff.

- OK. - Right, don't make a mess.

Thanks a million. lf that's Vince, say hello.

- That's Marie. She says hello. - Hiya.

'l've got the kids, it's taking her forever to move.'

- Personal call? - No, it's the distributors.

Right, l'll be in touch. Thanks.

There's a memo on its way.

Your interview's on the 14th.

We've narrowed it down to two. Yourself and Graham.

Marvellous news about the engagement.

Oh, l was chuffed to bits.

l thought the company could pay for drinks tonight. Make it a bit of a party.

Mind you, it's a party every night for you lot.

- Uncle Stuart? - Don't call me ''uncle''.

Old men are called ''uncle''.

This boy at school, he's selling all his Tomb Raider stuff.

25 quid.

l thought l gave you a tenner last week.

lt's good, this, l like Big Cock City.

Nan and Grandad don't know, do they?

You're a poof and they don't know.

25 quid or l'm telling.

- Benjamin, do you want chips? - Yeah!

Go to McTucky's on the corner and get us some chips, whatever you want.

My treat.

That's 25 quid. lt won't cost that much.

- Keep the change. - l'll go with him.

- No, you won't. - l'll get millions of chips.

Get off me! Get off me!

Get off me! No!

No! No! Get off me!

Get off me!

- (Toilet flushes) - 25 quid of this, you fucker.

Now clean yourself up, we've got chips on the way.

You're gonna pay. You're so gonna pay.

l want 50 quid.

A week, every week.

Thomas. You've lost, now give it a rest.

l'm telling my dad, cos he wants access. My mum won't let him have access.

Cos he's going to court.

l'm telling him you touched me.

Just then. You bloody touched me!

You pervert! You bloody pervert!

l want 50 quid.

No, make it 100 quid.

(Door slams)

& We're gonna use it up We're gonna wear it out

& Ain't nothing left in this whole world l care about... &

You've been on answerphone all day. What've you been up to?

Nothing special, you know?

Same old stuff.

- What we doing? - Start off in the Union? Same old stuff.

(& Rick Astley: Never Gonna Give You Up)

Oh! Rick Astley. l love this. l used to fuck toilet rolls thinking of him.

- lt was Tommy Steele for me. - Little White Bull.

l remember you dribbling in front of Dukes Of Hazzard.

l thought, ''He's not looking at Daisy Duke.''

l wanted to shag the second Dukes of Hazzard.

l fancied Boss Hogg.

(Hazel) When it finished, you were off to the toilet.

- Mum! - You can fancy them all you want

but l've shagged someone famous.

- No! Who? - (All) Who?

- Hiya. - Piss off, Anakin Skywalker, we're busy.

Who, you bastard? You're not moving back to Hazel's, that room's mine.

- Did you miss me? - Have you been somewhere?

Who was it? You never told me.

- You're kidding. - No.

Did he still have the puppet?

lrene Lonsdale, look at you.

(Hazel) Did you leave your friend lap dancing in London?

Her mum won't let her out

and she's making her change classes, like it's all my fault.

(Hazel) lt is your fault. (Nathan) Yeah but...

Yeah but what? Christ, you're an idiot. What are you having?

- Can of Breaker. - You can have a Diet Coke and like it.

- (Tuts) - Look, they've got a G-A-Y at Paradise,

Monday night. Should be good.

- Can't. l'm going to a wedding. - Since when?

- Oh, all right, l'll go with the kid. - No, no, that's brilliant. Thanks.

Whose wedding?

Family.

Steady the buffers, boys, he's drunk. Lock up your daughters.

Leave your sons at the front door. Here he is!

- (Cheering, whooping) - Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Pass me another boy, this one's split!

(Man) Come on, give it some stick, girl.

& The boys watch the girls While the girls watch the boys

& Who watch the girls go by

& Eye to eye

& They solemnly convene to make the scene... &

- How much do you need? - Hundred quid?

(Sighs) OK.

l'm still paying the bill for next door's dog.

l'd ask Bernie but they stopped his overtime.

What about him? Useless bloody lodger.

- He spends enough on vodka. - Mm.

- Reckon he needs it. - & Eyes watch, girls walk

& With tender loving care

& We're keeping track of the fact Watching them watching back

& That makes the world go round... &

- Heard you ran away. - No. Just went to London for a bit.

Didn't phone me.

- & Music to watch girls by... & - Had a great time Saturday.

You missed it. Guess who l shagged?

- & La la la la, la la la... & - Yeah?

He's good.

- What time do you finish? - Why?

Why do you think?

& Guy talk and ''girl talk''

& lt happens everywhere

& Eyes watch girls walk

& With tender loving care

& lt's keeping track of the fact Watching them watching back

& That makes the world go round... &

- lt's just kids in here. - What about him?

Yeah, not bad. Do you like him?

Not for me, for you.

l thought it was, er, for both of us.

Take him back to yours...

l've gotta stick with Mum. Gotta take Alexander home.

Coward.

His dad's had a stroke. Speech gone, paralysed.

Sounds bad. He might die.

Good.

Yeah.

Midnight, got that?

And look after the house. No crack cocaine while l'm gone.

Yes, milady.

Just behave, all right? None of your antics. Just behave.

- That's you, that is. - You, he means.

- Just you behave. - Behave yourself.

(Woman) l'm telling you...

- (& Vivaldi: The Four Seasons) - Fantastic.

Vince! Oh!

Hey, l smell a free bar.

- Look at you. - Oh, my God, you look marvellous.

- Oh, Hazel, oh! - Oh!

l thought you'd got lost. Most of them have got lost.

Oh, it's so nice to see you. l'm so glad you came.

Oh, and it's Stuart. Hello. You handsome sod, come here.

Oh, l'm so glad you came! Adrian, he's here.

Adrian!

Might as well show him who's boss, he can't escape now.

He got my name wrong. The vicar.

He called me Janet. l couldn't stop laughing.

Look, it's Vince, he came, isn't that fantastic?

- Oh, and you've met Hazel. - Come here.

lt's not often l get the chance.

Congratulations.

Oh, and you haven't met Stuart.

l told you, remember? Stuart's Vince's boyfriend.

Adrian, Stuart. Stuart, Adrian.

- A pleasure. Hello. - Hello.

- (Woman) Hiya, Judy! - Suki! You came!

Adrian, meet Suki, she's my best friend. l haven't seen her for years.

l'll go and find your dad.

l never said that we're boyfriends. She-she just...

What?

- Don't you dare. - l bet you a thousand quid.

Please. Don't shag the bridegroom, please.

Excuse me. Sorry. Mind your backs.

Now, then.

Ah. You.

You're doing well, your mother was saying.

l'm going for this job, yeah. They asked me to apply.

lt's mine already. Deputy manager.

- lt's good. - Well, that's marvellous.

l'm buying a house. Looking in Didsbury.

lt's smart, it's nice.

lf you need any help... l've paid all this for Judith, l could chip in.

l mean, you're not, er...

Well, you're never going to marry. So, er...

Yeah, but Dad, she deserves it. She's done so well.

Yes, but we've always had to push her.

You, you've made your own way.

'Ere, try that. lt's brandy, gin and vodka.

lt's called a Jill Dando. One shot goes straight to your head.

- Adrian's nice. - Yes, he's a good enough lad.

- We'll see, we'll see. - Course, we might get a house together.

Cos Stuart's loaded. He's got tons of money.

- Together? - We've talked about it.

Judith always said the two of you were...

l said, ''They're just friends.'' She said, ''Don't be so daft.''

We'll see. Might change my mind.

Well, like l said, if you need any help.

- He's rich. - Well.

Cheers, then. Here's to you.

- To both of you. - Cheers.

Been avoiding me?

No.

Still going down Canal Street?

What if l am?

Some right twats down there.

- Yeah. - lt's all right, though.

lt's not bad.

- Got myself this boyfriend. - Yeah?

Yeah. He's all right.

Yeah? Where's he from?

- Longsight. - Oh, yeah?

He's a bit stupid. He'll do.

You missed your chance.

What's that mean?

- Nothing. - What the fuck does that mean?

You're dead.

l remember the day Judith first brought Adrian home.

Was he a good shag?

- (Whispers) l only had him the once. - Hush.

- Middle of Piccadilly Gardens. - Slut.

- Well? There was a war on. - Yeah. ln Vietnam.

- Yeah, but was he any good? - Roger Bannister.

l'm trying to listen.

l was only 15.

Pervert. Older man taking advantage. l mean, who'd sleep with a 15 year old?

Fair dues, though. He did his bit, old Dudley.

l'd take Vince to Macclesfield. At least he saw him.

Up your arse.

Only once or twice a year, that's all. But at least he'd go and see him.

No matter what happened, they were father and son.

Your dad might pop his clogs any minute.

Up your arse. l'm not gonna see him.

- Comprendez-vous? - Non. Je ne comprends pas.

Don't get fancy, lady.

She's nice, my mum. l mean, she's a bit boring and that but she's all right.

Just don't talk about things, OK?

- What's that mean, things? - Things.

- What sort of things? - You know what things. Sex and that.

Like l'd say, ''Nice fish fingers. l'll shove them up me arse.''

- And you would. - l will, then.

- Just don't. - God. No wonder your dad left home.

And l work at the uni on weekends - bar work and clearing up. lt's a right laugh.

- Any plans beyond that? - Dunno. l love it.

lt's a laugh. l might go back to college. Do night classes.

Since when?

l might.

- What for? Anything in particular? - Dunno.

l loved history, Tudors and Stewarts. l'm doing Mardi Gras this year.

l'm Marie Antoinette. Like ''Let them eat cake.'' lt's gonna be fab.

- That's not Tudors and Stewarts. - Big frocks, same difference.

We did fancy dress. l was Britney Spears.

l've done her. Hollywood Show Bar. l had this wig, just like the video.

They love me in the Show Bar. Julia tried to get me barred cos l broke a stool.

But all the staff had a petition. They love me.

(Dazz) You should put your hair up, like that.

- Sorry about that. - He's nice enough.

- Helen likes him. - He doesn't half witter on.

Should have seen my first boyfriend.

He used to sit and read Ordnance Survey maps.

You wouldn't see him as Britney Spears.

He puts it on. All those stories, he hasn't done half of those things.

l worked that out for meself.

And he's never going to college. He didn't even do GCSEs.

- He's a good-looking lad, though. - Mm.

lt sort of fades after a bit.

Nathan, l know you're new to all this, but you've got it the wrong way round.

- l'm supposed to be the one criticising. - Yeah, but don't you think...

What?

- Don't you think he's a twat? - That's one way of putting it.

And to be honest, you might as well be going out with a girl.

Your decision.

Look. Helen says l'm the Pope. Bless you, my children.

(Janice laughs)

Oh, God.

& Darling, there's no way out Nothing can help me now

& Love's got a hold of my heart.. &

(Dudley) Must be a wonderful life, Hazel, all those boys.

They're such good company. Never short of a joke. Tremendous wit, all of them.

They're always smiling, they're always laughing.

Yes, and they make such good pets.

(Sigh) Oh, my God, l'm knackered.

- Bloody long day. - Yeah.

Oh, we heard last week we got that house.

lt's got a great big garden and it's got a tree. lt's lovely.

You'll have to come over. Maybe at Christmas.

- Oh, can l nick a fag? - Yeah.

Judith always says we should see Vince more often. He's a nice bloke.

Good-looking.

- You think he's good-looking? - Yeah.

That's not good-looking.

Judith was telling her friend Trisha,

''Wait until you see my brother, he's really handsome. Such a waste.''

A waste?

Go on, what's a waste, exactly? What is wasted?

- Hold on a minute. - Oh, my God, back in a minute.

& A little bit of you makes me your man... &

What, a waste of cock, a waste of spunk, waste of a fuck, what?

And you're not wasted.

- You get vagina, you get Judith. - Don't talk about her like that.

- Fucking the front is better. - Listen...

Hiya. Want a drink?

That's not a waste.

You told every single one of them. Boyfriends.

- No, it's just cos we're always together. - They don't think it by mistake.

You let 'em think it and you love it.

(& Slow ballad drifts out)

(DJ) And now it's one for all you lovers.

(& Patsy Cline: Crazy)

& Crazy... &

l could have had all this. lf l'd stuck with him.

Nice house. Nice car. None of that cutting out coupons.

- Bollocks. lt's the wife's money. - Don't spoil a good story.

& Crazy

& Crazy for feeling so blue... &

One quick shag goes on for years.

Did you love him?

No.

Just fancied him rotten.

Long time ago.

Look at them.

Two nodding dogs.

& And then someday... &

Did you never fancy Vince?

- You been drinking? - l never drink.

l look at you, 14 years old, hormones all over,

you'd have shagged a letter box, but not him.

Nope.

You saying my son's ugly?

(Quietly) He's...

& Wonderin'... &

(Vince) You've gotta fancy him.

Never mind love.

Love can fuck off.

lf you fancy him,

there's blood, there's a hard-on, if you just...

if you just love him...

& ..that my love could hold you

& l'm crazy for tryin'

& And crazy for cryin'... &

No blood.

& And l'm crazy for loving

& You... &

Just checking.

What about him? Do you think he'd find enough blood?

(& Englebert Humperdinck: Spanish Eyes)

Let's find out.

What does that mean? Find out what?

& Blue Spanish eyes

& Teardrops are falling from your Spanish eyes... &

Piss off.

& Please, please don't cry

& This is just adios and not goodbye

& Soon

& l'll return

& Bringing you all the love

& Your heart can hold

& Please, say si, si

& Say you and your Spanish eyes... &

Poor sods. They've gotta wake up with each other every single day.

Give it six months. Your sex life's dead.

You'll never catch me doing that.

Do you fancy staying the night?

Bit expensive.

Might as well.

We could try again - a threesome.

That barman's been looking, he's up for it.

Cut out the middleman.

& ..Spanish eyes... &

(Phone ringing)

(& Martine McCutcheon: Perfect Moment)

Well, that was quick. Only took 16 years.

Blimey.

You know what Phil used to say?

That you were saving me for your old age.

- Assuming you'd want me. - Assuming that, yeah.

Like one day you'd be past it.

You'd go down Canal Street and they'd all be kids laughing at the sad old man.

And l'd be there waiting...apparently.

Long time to wait.

You'll be 30 soon.

Ancient.

So the day l shag you, l'm old?

According to Phil.

What the fuck did he know about anything anyway?

Yeah.

Better get some sleep. Long day tomorrow.

Yeah, me too.

(Mobile phone)

What is it now?

(Hazel) 'Hi, Vince. l must have lost an earring last night.

- 'Are you still at the hotel?' - Yeah. We're going to breakfast.

- What was it like? - 'Er, sort of gold with bits on it...

- 'So...did you have a nice time?' - Fantastic.

- And how was the room? - Nice, yeah.

- Did you... Did you stay up late or... - (Beeping)

- You've got call waiting. - Hold on.

Yeah?

Hazel, fuck off!

Deputy manager. lt's so grown-up.

l keep fighting it off like l don't even want the job, like l'm still a kid.

But l'm not.

There's only one good way of getting old and that's with money.

You need money, you get promotion.

- Here he is. - Don't suppose you have a kettle?

l told her, ''Put the kettle on top.''

l brought a flask of tea and your father drank it all.

And he ate all the biscuits.

So you've come to get your hands dirty?

Oh, yes.

God love them, they're bored to tears. Go and play in the garden.

No, it's OK. lt's much more fun round Uncle Stuart's flat.

That's a hint. They're looking for a wide-screen TV.

No, it's not. lt's cos all his mates come round.

That's nice. ls that Vince?

Yeah. Vince is one of 'em.

Your Granny's right. Why don't you go out and play?

Lots of men. All the time.

- Stuart, help me with these shelves. - l can't.

Of course you can. Come on.

We don't do hammers and nails or saws.

We do joints and screws but it's different.

- Who does? - Queers.

l'll get some sandwiches. This kitchen needs organising.

Because l'm queer.

l'm gay. l'm homosexual.

l'm a poof. l'm a poofter. l'm a ponce.

l'm a bum-boy, batty-boy, backside artist, bugger. l'm bent.

l am the arse bandit, l lift those shirts.

l'm a faggot-arsed, fudge-packing, shit-stabbing uphill gardener.

l dine at the downstairs restaurant, l dance at the other end of the ballroom.

l'm Moses and the parting of the red cheeks.

l fuck and l'm fucked. l suck and l'm sucked.

l rim them and wank them

and every single man's had the fucking time of his life.

And l'm not...a pervert.

lf there's one twisted bastard in this family, it's this little blackmailer here.

So congratulations, Thomas.

l've just officially outed you.

All right, boys. Go outside and play.

- Outside. - And just what have you been doing?

Come here. What exactly have you been doing?

He's eight years old. Ben is eight years old.

Oh, and, one more thing.

Did l mention l've got a baby?

(& Utopia: Feel The Need ln Me)

& Can't you see l'm talking?

& Yeah, yeah

& All right now

& Oh, oh... &

Knackered or what?

l suppose you're going to be all responsible now?

- And you. All grown up. - Getting older.

Are we gonna shag then?

l reckon there's still a few strangers out there in need of a good shafting.

(Laughs)

Obviously it'll have a lounge.

Then it's got two bedrooms where we can have guests staying over.

Look, there he is, Nick Tandy. Look at him.

Wait a minute. Any minute now. Here it is.

Best arse on planet Earth.

He was looking at me that night in Via Fossa.

You'll be lucky.

Yeah. l might be, yeah.

- Where are we going? - l'm going after Nick Tandy.

- What do you mean? - lt's not like we're exclusive or anything.

- lt's not like we're anything. - Since when?

l'm 16 next week. l'm getting old.

l can't waste time hanging around. Look at that arse. lt's new.

- Well, you can fuck off, then! - That's exactly what l'm doing!

& l need your only kiss

& To keep my heart in bliss

& You make me what l need to be

& Feel the need

& Oh, feel, feel the need in me... &

l'm doing a family meal but he wants a party on Canal Street.

He's inviting the mob from the youth group.

- You've buggered this bike. - Bugger it back.

He's coming round later. Says you know the best places and l know nothing.

- Hello, stranger. - lt's been quite a while. How are you?

Fine!

l haven't seen you for ages.

lt must be, what, six or seven years?

At least.

- l'm not interrupting anything, am l? - No. Thought you'd pop by.

Two more mothers, we'd be selling jam.

Vince must have been, l don't know, 14.

And when did you know about Stuart?

About the same time.

l knew when Nathan was 1 1 .

l did.

When l'm on supply teaching,

you to into school and there's a boy just sitting there and it's shining out of him.

Did you never think?

Must've done. l must've.

No. l don't think l did.

Stuart?

Try not to think about the arse thing and you'll be fine. People don't like that.

Well, l'm not trying it again.

The arse thing.

Janice Maloney!

- Not with Roy? - Oh, yes, Mr High-And-Mighty.

l screamed the place down.

l told the neighbours the cat had fallen off the landing and broke his neck.

l quite like it myself. You can read a book at the same time.

Well, don't look at me. lt's a foreign language.

There's lots to learn, Margaret. Still...

l've got Stuart to thank for that.

And did, erm...

With Nathan? Yes.

That's nice.

- What does Nathan do? - He's a student.

Oh. What's he studying?

Your son, mostly.

- (Nathan) Hiya. - Oh, shit, it's like a madhouse in here.

l'll tell him to sod off.

lt took ages to get home. The first bus was full and l had to stand on the next.

Have you come to any decisions yet? l think Via Fossa's best.

Look, we're a bit busy in here...

This is Nathan. My son.

lt's his birthday on Friday. We're having a party.

His sixteenth.

(Dog barking)

This lunch thing at your sister's next Sunday,

new house and everything, what with the boys...

- lt's best if you give it a miss. - Fine.

We just think, your mother and l, it'd be best

if you're not there.

She's round at Romey's every other day,

so she gets plenty of chance to see that little man.

So it's just me?

We'll get together next month. All of us.

Just give it a bit of time.

l might be busy.

lt's not as if we see you or anything.

Look, your mother's been all round, she's been visiting...

For God's sake, she's trying to make sense of it and can't.

Tell her to read a book.

And she thinks it's all her fault, the way she brought you up.

l told her it just happens.

Some boys grow up to be...

bastards.

Well, l'll see myself out.

(Alexander) l don't care if he's dying. Who gives a toss?

(Stuart) You're going to see your father. We're all going.

Sorry we're late. There was this queue by the ring road.

Anyway, thanks for phoning.

- How is he? - Sleeping.

So, what, do you want me to wait?

l thought we could talk. There's a tea bar. A few things to sort out. ln private.

Your father and l talked about this last year.

lf the worst comes to the worst, everything comes to me.

But there are precedents.

We thought you could sign this.

lt states you won't make a claim for any inheritance.

Jesus.

- l don't want his money. - No problem signing it, then.

There.

Read it first. Get yourself a lawyer. That won't stand up in court.

l don't care.

And...there.

(Pen scratching paper)

There you go.

Thanks, Mum.

There's no need. You got my name. That's it. Done it.

Things to do. Tell him...

Tell him...

What?

Maybe next time.

- There's no point in making it worse. - Coward!

l'd better warn you...

l'm on this medication.

- l'm taking these pills. - What for?

- Me stomach. - That's all right.

Yeah... (Gasping)

But the thing is...

these pills...

(Groans) Oh, God...

They sort of...

Jesus... They do things to me.

They make me... They make me spunk...

They make me spunk...

(Gasping) Me spunk...

Orange.

l'll just go give 'em a brush, l had garlic bread.

- Shall l go through? - Oh, living room on the left,

bedroom on the right.

Don't be long.

(Retches)

(Retches)

- You all right? - Oh, fine, thanks.

Can't stand toothbrushes. Sorry.

(Retches) Horrible things.

Oh, my God, is that the time?

- l'd better go. - ln a minute.

Really, l'd better go.

Oh, come on.

(Horn honks)

lt's three in the morning! The entire street wakes up.

- ls that it? - lt was so loud!

And that's the punch line?

- That is pathetic. - lt was brilliant!

All these people looking out and l'm there snogging this bloke!

- That's not a story. - He gets Toothbrush Man

l get a man with spunk like a Tellytubby and you haven't even started.

- So young. - He gave me his phone number.

D'you think l should phone him or should l wait for him to phone me?

How should l know?

- He's never phoned anyone. - You know how it works.

- Problem page, ''Dear Stuart...'' - Shut up.

Wise old man, that's you.

- You're so not funny. - Look, he's pissed off.

Look, he's really pissed off!

- Now that's funny. Nice one. - (Both laugh)

Look at his face!

(Laughter)

- Me too. - Good luck then.

And you. May the best ''man''... and all that.

Guess what he's done.

He's gone and bought shares in the company! 300 quids' worth!

And he just happened to tell that Mrs Fletcher - in passing.

- He's fighting dirty, Vince. - l don't care. l'm gonna get that job.

(Bernard) Don't you know the colour?

(Hazel) lt's got a Virgin Mary on the dashboard.

lf Vince finds out he'll murder you.

We need this promotion more than he does.

lf you spent more money on rent and less on rent boys...

That's the one!

Bless the Catholic boy.

Ready?

(Alarm honking)

- Graham? - Mm?

lt's your car, the alarm's gone off.

- (Alarm honking) - Here he is!

- Did you get it? - Shit and buggery!

(Hazel) What happened? (Bernard) l don't know.

He's going to do it again! Give it here!

- (Alarm beeps) - Yes!

lf this doesn't work, leg it.

- Nice work, Mrs Peel. - Thank you, Steed.

Stage two.

- There's nothing about websites. - Exactly!

lf they upgraded their streaming media they could whip Tesco's.

l'm only head of personnel, you should see the duty manager.

- Two minutes, that's all l need. - ..the hypermarket at 1 7�/o...

Trolleys everywhere. lf we'd crashed - there could've been children!

l'm very sorry, l can only apologise,

- Mrs...? - Peel.

l'll have a word with the staff...

Thank you for alerting me to the problem.

Well, l won't take it further but my husband's very upset.

- Aren't you, Bernard? - Oh, aye.

Off you go, Magda wants the porn back. She's having a party.

You both did very well but there's only one job,

- it's a shame you can't both succeed. - Absolutely.

Yeah, pity. l'd better, erm...

You got it then? Well?

He's got it!

(Both yelling excitedly)

ln five years you'll be manager - how boring is that?

- Oi! - (Stuart) We should celebrate.

Hey, Nathan, have you ever done a threesome?

No. l got asked by this couple in London but they were both ugly.

D'you fancy giving it a go?

Yeah.

Right, then, off we go. Us three.

- ln your dreams. - You'd do it? Part of your education.

- l don't mind. - Would you hell.

- l'm up for anything. - The perfect threesome.

- l'd rather have a wank. - You, me and Nathan.

(Laughs) That'd be so brilliant!

l'd just go for it, yeah?

See, that's the problem with Vince. He doesn't want sex...

he wants a wife!

Listen, whoever ends up with me, he's a very lucky man.

God help him.

- What's all this in aid of? - You're not a good catch, are you?

- l suppose you are? - No one's gonna catch me.

So, er, how many men have you had now?

Dunno. About...seven?

- Seven. l must've had about 2,007. - Yeah?

That means l've got 2,000 to go.

How many have you got left?

(School bell)

- Oi, Nathan, is it your birthday? - What if it is?

- You havin' a party? - None of your business.

ls it on Canal Street with all your queer friends?

l've seen him, it's where he goes. Queer Street.

He's been watchin' us in the showers. Tossin' himself off.

l'd sooner toss myself off a cliff.

Oh, you want some of this? Come on AlDS boy, suck me off.

- He's got a stiffy. - You'd know all about that.

He fancies me. Sir, Nathan Maloney fancies me! Tell him!

- He's a poof, sir. A queer. - That's a fact, sir. Keeps on lookin'.

He fancies us. Look in his bag, he's got lipstick.

- Piss off! - Nathan, enough of that language.

Me? What about them?

l said, that's enough!

He's a faggot, man.

Queer.

(Janice) He sent you a card. He never remembers my birthday.

ls that all l get, a card? Off my own father?

l'll give him a ring tomorrow.

He might have put some money in your bank account.

Bet he hasn't though.

- Hiya! - Happy birthday. That's from us.

You've got to say 18 - if they find out l'm 16 they'll chuck us out.

lt's Nathan's night - someone has to lie.

Hey, there's food. l'm starving.

l bet it's all meat. l was tricked into a Twiglet yesterday.

You don't have to stand there all night.

Amaretto, this'll put us in the mood. l found it in my clothes.

Go and enjoy yourselves, l'll be baby-sitting.

Bring him, it's a kid's party - jelly and ice cream.

Pass the parcel in Via Fossa - good few packages in there.

- Want one? - l'm not drinking.

Sod it, let's not go. Take him back to the lesbians and go to Poptastic.

- (Doorbell) - That's for me.

Vincent Tyler's taking charge - deputy manager.

He's power mad. He's blockaded the SuperNoodles.

lt's the most boring job in the world.

- Somebody call an ambulance? - lt's me. l've got the bottle.

l only took 'em ten minutes ago.

- l had a Kit Kat, does that count? - Right, let's get you seen to.

- You walking all right? - Yeah, l'm fine.

- What you doing? - l'm a twat, l'm sorry. l'll be fine.

- (Woman) You coming with him? - What's this?

Just sod off, go to the party. l'm sorry, OK?

- He's gone and done it again. - You twat!

- l know! - Are you coming?

Like l've got a choice.

Stupid fucking cunt.

(Crying)

Where we going?

Let's tell his mother the good news.

Hiya! l'm here.

- Hello, Bernie. - Sorry, the others got held up.

My fault, l was shaving me back and they all joined in.

And Alexander got called into work.

Here you go - didn't have time to wrap it but happy birthday.

Thanks. Was Stuart there?

l think so. Any money behind the bar?

Just say you're with Nathan's party. Only wines and beers, though.

l've got a watch.

- Hiya! - Who's that?

Stuart's secretary.

Oh, right. Sends his secretary, that's nice of him.

Maybe he'll appear by satellite link.

- Hiya. ls Stuart coming? - l'd be the last to know.

lf it isn't about his dry-cleaning he tells me sod all.

Yeah, but d'you think he's gonna come?

Not if he's found something better, no.

You don't even like him!

Don't.

Let's go home.

- Come with me. - Does she deserve it?

- You'll make it worse. - Does she deserve it?

You can't!

Watch me.

Yeah. You'd like that.

l've spent years watching you.

Coward.

Coward!

l've got a message from your son.

l'd appreciate it if you didn't come to my house.

l don't think we've got anything to say to each other.

Just one thing.

Bang!

(& Geri Halliwell: Mi Chico Latino)

Vince! Don't tell me, Stuart hasn't bothered.

No.

Yes. He's upstairs. He's just gone to Manto's.

l was with him. He's coming back. Er, but he was here.

Yeah, l bet. Jimmy!

Party face on.

(& Shaft: Mucho Mambo)

- You're late! Got me a present? - No.

Get me a mobile phone if you want.

& Hold me close, sway me more

& When marimba rhythms start to play

& Dance with me, make me sway... &

Bang!

Oh, shit.

Come back to mine.

(Sighs)

- l'll stay with Mum. She's worn out. - Both come. Both come back.

She deserved it.

l know! But tell her to fuck off! You're always telling them to fuck off!

- lt's not enough any more. - lt is!

You can't go and... There's people relying on me - Mum and that house!

l end up paying the mortgage every other month - they don't earn tuppence!

You're on your own.

Suits me. You're just straight, Vince.

You're a straight man who fucks men, that's all.

(Man) Night, Arnie. See ya!

Sorry.

(Teacher) Abbott. (Boy) Here.

- Baxter. - Here.

- Collins. - Here.

- Davis. - Here.

Nathan, what time do you call this?

One minute past nine, sir. Why?

- Cos you're late, that's why! - How was the party?

- Did you get it up your arse? - He probably can't sit down.

Party full of queers. Makes me sick.

- All right, settle down. Edgar. - (Boy) Here.

- Fraser. - Here.

- Hobbs. - Here.

- Johnson. - Here.

- Jones. - Here.

- Maloney. - Queer.

(Laughter)

- l beg your pardon? - l said ''queer''.

- l'm aware of that. - Oh. That's a miracle.

Cos they say it and you don't hear a thing.

- l don't like your tone. - l don't like yours.

lf you want to make something out of this, sir, that's fine.

Go on, send me to the headmaster.

l'd love it.

There's plenty l can tell him.

l can get my mother in, she'd love it. She'd love to meet you, sir.

D'you wanna do that? Go on, take it further.

- McVerry. - Here.

- Mulhearn. - Here.

- Nicholls. - Here.

They were just kids. They were running away.

Mrs Perry never saw any kids.

Sweethearts, l can't boil an egg, how the fuck do you blow up a car?

So it was a coincidence, you being there?

You should see my Jeep. You can tell Mrs Perry l'm gonna sue.

She's not keen on pressing charges.

l think there are family things she'd rather not talk about.

- Oh, get her. - lt's not her decision. Criminal damage.

We won't be letting it drop.

Hang on, erm, l better give you my card. lt's got my mobile on it.

l don't think l'm gonna be around much longer, time for a change of scene.

- Anywhere in particular? - London.

The clubs are fab.

(Romey) l've got that project in Brixton, l'm always there.

He'll enjoy it. We'll manage.

So what's brought all this about?

Big fish in a small pond.

lt's so small.

l'm friends with a sixteen-year-old boy. lt's time to leave.

Vince could get transferred. He could afford London - he's on a good wage.

He'd just hold me back. Standing there, disapproving.

- And you love it. - l've got things l wanna do.

And he's just...he's not... he's not good enough!

Oh, you've argued again. You two are like a married couple.

- We're not shagging. - That's marriage.

Another reason to go.

l bet he moves to London. What's he said?

Go on, what's he said?

Oh, for Christ's sake, you haven't even told him?

(Raucous laughter)

(Alexander) ''..that's a funny bed bath, what sort of nurse are you?''

He says, ''Nurse? l work in the tuck shop!''

- George Sapieka went to hospital... - Not this one! Give up!

& Don't you know it's true what they say

& That life, it ain't easy

& But your time's coming around

& So don't you stop trying... &

- Evening. - Evening. Two gin and tonics, please.

- You going out clubbing? - Why do you wanna know?

Just keeping tabs on my son.

lf you're going clubbing, Nathan's going clubbing.

His master's voice. Don't know what he sees in you.

Yeah, you do.

lt's not what l call a hairstyle. And as for the walk.

- Thank you. - Pleasure.

Still, time was Nathan thought you were boyfriend material.

Now you're better than that - you're God.

What am l supposed to do about that?

- Leave? - Don't you dare, he'll only follow.

And he's done enough running away.

Thanks for the drinks.

Pleasure.

& But your time's coming around

& So don't you stop trying

& Don't stop, never give up &

Never did give you that present.

l'll have a mobile phone.

Hmm. l can do better than that.

(Both breathing heavily)

- 16... - Shut up.

Oh, don't...don't...

Oh, fuck...

Sorry.

lt's OK.

- Do you want me to finish you off? - No, it's all right.

Anyway, the night's still young.

l'm really sorry.

& l don't know what l'd do if you ever left me

& Tell me how would l make it

& l don't know what l'd do if you ever left me

& My heart couldn't take it... &

Nathan, l'm off home. lf you need a lift give me a ring.

Might go to Dante's.

- Course you will. With Stuart. - l don't know.

lt's embarrassing being seen with him all the time.

Up close, he's looking dead old.

He'd kill you for saying that!

He wouldn't have the strength.

Right, Dante's, quick visit?

Ooh, l've not copped off for five weeks - ever since l got contact lenses.

Coming?

Yeah. Yeah, all right. Might as well.

Be bad.

- What am l, charity? - Yeah, erm...

Me and Vince, we were going out one night and...

- robbed a tenner from your purse. - You cheeky sods!

Hang on, when were you last short of a tenner?

(& Urban Cookie Collective: The Key: The Secret)

The sad twat's wearing cheesecloth. ls cheesecloth back?

Never went away, disguised itself as linen.

Steven Polack! He was after me last Mardi Gras!

He tried to snog me. l'm in there.

l should go. Big meeting tomorrow.

l'm up early. Got to go to London.

He's in. l hate seeing him.

First time here he was a kid. Then he got all muscles, then he went mad.

He's been with that bloke five years now.

Never said a word. We nod.

- l've had him. - You've had 'em all.

- Been here far too long. - Telling me.

Oh, God, they're all in!

There's Colin - l had him that last night at Flesh.

(Laughs) Oh, God. l had that suit.

l liked that suit. You looked good.

Didn't half wanna shag you.

Long time ago.

l should go.

But then again...

One last fling.

Good luck. Not that you'll need it.

(Vince laughs)

Do you remember that little friend of his? That girl?

- Yeah. - He didn't need her in the end.

His best friend and he didn't need her.

Clever boy.

l'm off. London calling.

- London? - Yeah.

Been here far too long.

Still, we've had a laugh.

And the rest.

- See you then. - Not if l see you first.

& l've got the key, l've got the secret

& l've got the key to another way

& l've got the key... &

Fat Daniel said that Raymondo's back in town.

- Hm? - Hypothermia my arse.

l don't think he's even got a mother.

This tea tastes like fish.

Who's on GMTV?

Kriss Akabusi. lf l had a pound for every time that man laughed...

You see, l preferred it when it was TV-AM.

Wincey Willis. l wonder what happened to her...

Ooh, Treasure Hunt, Anneka Rice...

Hello, Stuart Jones's office.

- 'Sandra, it's Hazel.' - l'll have to stop that.

lt's not his office. l was gonna phone you.

'lt's about Vince - tell him to keep in touch.

'He's still got some of my CDs.'

Oh, l bet he's gonna miss him.

- Miss who? - Stuart.

Sell it.

Sally, did you read the memo about wasting company time?

Sorry.

Coffee?

(Beeps)

'Hiya, this is Vince, sorry, l can't take your call right now.'

(Phone)

- Yes, can l help you? - l need to speak to Vincent Tyler.

- 'He's in a meeting.' - lt's urgent.

- Could you tell him it's his mother. - Mrs Tyler?

- 'Yes, that's right.' - The famous Mrs Tyler.

Mrs Tyler, could l ask you, were you in this store on the 14th?

Look, whoever you are, l've got to speak to Vince.

And did you have a meeting with the head of personnel on the 14th

because l'd like to know what happened on that day.

Bernie!

- Let me get me trousers on! - What for? Who's looking?

Fly, my pretties! Fly!

Sorry, it's compulsory.

Supervisor Delicatessen becomes Front Line Manager Delicatessen.

Assistant Supervisors become Assistant Front Line Managers.

(Clears throat)

Right, l know it's a pain but there's a good reason

cos all the Front Line Managers

and Assistant Front Line Managers, erm...

can get six weeks a year in administration.

Right, so you can choose six weeks in one block,

two blocks of three weeks or three blocks of two.

Nathan!

- Telephone. Says it's urgent. - Who is it?

Call yourself a gay man? There's a great big palaver and you're missing it!

We're still gonna do individual product promotion - the lPP scheme -

but from now on you're responsible for finding your own individual product.

And we need your name and chosen product...

so that goes to the Front Line Manager...

by Thursday.

Right, erm... Oh, l've said that already.

Chosen product to Line...

lf you could finish we've got a store to run. Thank you, Vince.

lt's Mrs Peel, isn't it?

- l think you'll find that's Mrs Tyler. - lt's Tyler-Peel. We're from Cheshire.

- Sorry, i-it's my mother. - lt's a real emergency.

- l need a word with Vince. - You met this woman on the 14th...

- Graham, sit down. - The day of the interview.

- Stuart's leaving, not coming back. - l know, l'm not stupid.

- He's going to London! - lt's about time he did! Leave it...

- Vince, l'd like a word. - Something happened on the 14th.

l demand that you talk to this...creature.

Oi! That's my mother.

And that's your problem, Vince.

Graham, as a friend of mine is very fond of saying...

- fuck off! - (Graham) Ohh! That's nice!

That's how the deputy manager reacts - listen to that.

A fine family, all of 'em.

You know what?

He's right.

Fuck off isn't enough.

- Marcie. - Yes, sir?

The floor's yours and the subject is Christmas '99.

Thank you, Mr Chairman. Right, point of order,

if Graham Beck is so keen on the truth why doesn't he tell his fianc�e

that Christmas '99 he shagged me in refrigeration?

- l knew it! - lt felt like refrigeration.

- l did not - l swear to God. - Small dick!

That's him! Come here, bastard!

(Claire) Sit down! (Marcie) And Vanessa - she's had him.

Bang.

Vince?! Where are you going?

London.

Oh, my God, l'm going to London!

See ya!

Out the way, l'm driving! You're too slow.

You haven't passed your test!

That's why l'm not slow!

- (Bernard) Oi! - Excess baggage!

(& Colonel Bogey played on kazoos)

(Hazel) Come on, what's going on?!

- How long is this gonna be? - Just take it easy.

Crikey. Mate, back up!

- l can't! - Back up!

- l can't! - Who the fuck invented the kazoo?

Sixteen years, you two.

- Nathan Maloney was just being born. - (Sighs)

Remind me again, who was it taught you to drive?

Stuart Alan Jones. My 40th birthday.

And how much did you learn?

l learned the lot.

Hold it! Hold it!

(Screaming)

(Honks horn)

He's not gay!

(Siren wailing)

(Siren winding down)

l've got to go. l've really got to go!

No one's going anywhere. Just calm down, sir.

l was driving! He's done nothing wrong!

You're in enough trouble, don't add resisting arrest.

(Policeman) What they saying back at base?

Never mind him, look after yourself.

lf l've got to be arrested it might as well be worth it.

How's that, love?

- Bloody hell! - Come on, let's have you.

Run, you daft bastard!

Nice try. You're not coming.

l'll do what l like.

You're not.

lt'll just be you and me, Stuart and Vince, an old married couple.

Not a shag in sight. l'm not settling down, ever.

London though? London's rubbish. Kids go to London.

Where else is there?

l'd go out. Straight ahead and out.

Keep moving. You can't settle down if you don't stop.

l've been thinking about this for years. Press the button.

Dematerialise. Step out. New planet.

Says the supermarket boy.

l'm on the run - from the police.

- Don't be so camp. - Watch it.

- All your dependents of yours. - They'll survive.

And l won't?

You might not.

No passengers. You let me down, l'll kill you.

Not if l kill you first.

So what are we waiting for?

- Happy birthday. - What are you doing?

- We're off! - Off where?

Where do you think, young fella me lad?

lnto the headlines!

You might finally get that shag.

Oh, give up, stop chasing me(!)

- But you're coming back? - What, come back to this?

The ghetto? Alleyways stinking of piss, beggars in every doorway,

straights and students coming to look at the freak show?

All the idiots saving all the stupid money from their stupid jobs

to shoot their load with some stranger?

- (Thunder rumbles) - Just you look after it,

this stupid little street.

lt's the middle of the world.

Cos on a street like this, every single night,

anyone can meet anyone and every night someone meets someone.

lt's all yours now.

All of them. All the poofs and all the dykes

and all the people in between.

And this lot, they'll shag you, they'll rob you.

Some of them might even love you. And they'll all forget you in the end.

- Stick with your friends, you'll be fine. - You fuck it up and l'll come back.

Oh...

my...

God!

- Faggots. - Excuse me?

What did you say?

You heard me.

Cos l better warn you, my friend's got a hell of a temper.

Once he's off. So...what did you say?

l said...

Faggots.

What do you think?

Blood.

Hold on a tick.

Bit deaf, mate - too many nights out clubbing.

So, one more time, what did you say?

Nothin'.

And one more word, beginning with ''S''.

Sorry.

Maybe next time.

Fuck off.