Original subtitles

Argh!

Jesus!

When will you stop frightening me?

When are you going to stop frightening yourself?

It's ridiculous, dad. You should be used to it now.

When you are born, I'm going to be shocked every time I see you.

So you should get use to it.

Where are you going?

Who are you meeting?

Questions, questions. Is it any of your business?

Obviously, it's my business.

It just doesn't seem all that important to you.

Don't pressure me, there are other things in my life besides you.

Get used to it for when you're born.

Which tie?

If it's a funeral, the black one. For a wedding, the flowery one.

If you're off to look for a mother,

don't wear a tie, please.

I'm going out with my friends.

Leaving me on my own?

I can call, a babysitter if you like?

So you don't love me anymore?

No, no, please, don't do this to me.

No.

Of course I love you, my dear. How can I not love you?

Generally speaking, I really want to have you.

But I don't know how to find a dad.

Why don't you try with your friends?

I don't like your friends.

Well, don't worry I'm going out on my own tonight.

-What are you all doing here? -We've come to perform an intervention.

-Uh? -A psychological intervention.

People with a pattern of addictive behaviour deny the problem.

If all attempts to intervene have proved inefficient,

joining forces with friends and/or family

to perform a psychological intervention

is the best way to help the...

person.

-Who taught you that crap? -I saw it on internet.

You only watch porn.

-It was me. -And I don't only watch porn.

Yes, that's true.

The other day we had to perform another intervention.

And what am I addicted to? If you'd be kind enough to tell me?

We're worried about you looking for a mother for your children.

-You're getting obsessed. -With girls.

But now the excuse is, that you need to find a mother.

-But you've always been the same. -Since we were small.

With you friends, or with your family.

A girl pops up, you lose the plot and we don't recognize you.

-It's not true. -I don't like them,

but they're right.

Maybe it's true, I do my own thing, there's some truth in that.

But that you're my best friends...

no way.

If you're my best friends, you have to help me.

She's shagged all her friends.

You've shagged all of them?

Agustín, no, but I think he's gay.

I can vouch for that, I shagged him.

I can't believe, you are for real!

This is your plan?

To make it up to us, you bring us to this place full of toffs?

And toffettes. All of them ignoring our asses.

Maybe that depends on her ass?

Don't be spoilsports. Didn't you want to go out together?

-Yeah, but something more our style. -We never had a style.

When the band was going, we had plenty of style.

-The band was the fucking business. -We were the fucking kings.

You can say "fucking" all night long, but it's fucking embarrassing.

Did you guys have a band?

A rock band.

More like pop, girly pop. We were the Pink Panthers.

Tony the Tiger and the Pink Panthers

No, excuse me.

You were called Tony the Tiger and the Pink Panthers?

Yeah, but we never played a gig.

In order to play together, we dressed as minstrels.

-Minstrels? -Yeah.

So perhaps it was a bit fucking embarrassing.

Look, a hetero guy that Elisa hasn't tried.

I saw him fist, babes.

-I think I shagged him. -I think he's gay.

-Look, I give up, I'm off home. -C'mon now.

We'll find someone for you.

Hey! Your friend Goyo?

Of course! How come we didn't...?

Goyo is perfect!

And he's been saying for years he wants to be a dad.

But is he hetero?

-He is now. -He is now?

Before, he was heteroflexible.

Who hasn't had a period when they were a bit confused?

When you didn't know if you prefered chicken or beef.

We all did crazy things when we were twenty.

When I was twenty, I was a virgin.

You don't think that's a bit crazy?

Okay, okay, This is what we'll do.

If I don't find a worthwhile guy tonight,

I'll go out with Goyo tomorrow.

And who was Tony the Tiger?

-Tony was the leader. -He wasn't the leader of anything.

Just the band.

And the gang. He was the fucking tiger.

Did something happen with Tony?

-Yes, Javi... -He left the band.

Thought he was cool and could go it alone.

Never heard from him again.

Typical Tony.

Maybe it had something to do with his best friend sleeping with his girl.

-Typical Javi. -That's not true.

You didn't sleep with his girlfriend?

Yes, that bit's true, but he wasn't my best friend.

You are my best friends.

C'mon, let's see if we can get a drink in this stuck-up shithole.

Eh...

Can we come in?

Neither of you have shagged Goyo, right?

-I swear. -Me neither.

But maybe the DJ has? I can ask him if you like.

Jesus.

Hello?

Anybody there?

Rafa!

What are you dressed like that for, are you stupid?

Don't answer the last part.

One, two, three.

"We are the P-Pink Panthers."

"We are the P-Pink Panthers."

I thought I'd woken up, but no. This is a nightmare.

Not a scary one, one of the cringey ones.

While you were asleep, we decided to bring back the Panthers.

To make up for the times you ran off after a girl.

We're getting the band back together.

In exchange, we'll accept that you're going to be a dad.

And we'll help you to find a mother.

And what if I don't accept the deal? What then?

True.

We didn't think about that.

Dunno. We'll stop being your friends that's it.

I'm his brother, I can't stop being his brother.

What you can't stop doing is living in my house, leech.

And if we stop talking to you?

Fine by me.

If you delete me from the WhatsApp group "bestmates", even better.

That shut you up.

And if we give you a slap?

Excuse me?

Remember when you tortured me when I was little?

Pinching my nipple: "Five kinds of milk."

Those were just kids' games.

One five year old and a ten year old bully.

I was nine, excuse me.

5 and 9, 14, the kinds of milk you're going to spill now.

No, stop.

Three against one, you bastards!

Grab him!

Babe, sort that hair out someone's waiting to see you.

-Who exactly? -Goyo.

Why did you bring him here?

I told him about you and he came running.

What did you tell him?

That you're sexy and wanted to meet him.

Why did you say that?

So he'd come running.

Oh. Now I think about it.

I'm not sure I told him you're a girl.

-What? I'm not going out there... -Just kidding.

Idiot!

Ah!

Psss!

Psss!

Psss!

Pssss!

Uuuuhhh!

Puleva!

Let me go, I'll kill you, you bastards!

That's 11. Three to go.

Eh...

Pascual, Pascual skimmed and Pascual semi-skimmed.

-Doesn't count. -Yes.

You know it doesn't. The more you argue, the more you suffer.

Two more!

Ah!

Parmalat.

-No, you already said that. -I didn't.

More argument, more suffering.

Eh...

Feiraco and Central Lechera Asturiana.

Jesus!

You twats!

Mmmmmm!

Why is the toilet full of blood?

Eh...

I don't know, I haven't killed anyone.

Don't be a dummy. Are you okay?

Why shouldn't I be!

Well, all the blood?

Er...

Bleeding gums.

-Gums. -Yes, the gums.

They're very sensitive and when I brush my teeth...

You brush your teeth on the toilet.

No, no.

I brush at the sink, and spit into the toilet.

Could you think up a less disgusting lie.

Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

Haemorrhoids.

I've got haemorrhoids. I don't like to speak about it.

But as you're going on about the blood,

there you go, that's it.

As I only eat spicy food they've got...

Okay, old man, understood. Spare me the details.

What a subject to talk about at the table.

Happy now?

Now I don't feel like breakfast. I'm off for a walk.

Dad! You're in your pyjamas!

Dad, you're in your pyjamas.

Dad, there's blood in the toilet.

Leave me be, for godsake!

Giovanni says we've got a lot of things in common.

Such as?

I love clothes. And if they are shoes, even better.

I love going shopping.

Great, me too, naturally.

Great, we can meet up to go shopping together!

And what else do we have in common?

What would you say if I told you Sabina is my brother-in-law?

What? I love Joaquín Sabina.

Introduce me! Introduce me! Please.

Are you really his brother in law?

No, but I would have reacted exactly the same way.

See. We do have things in common.

You wally. I was really excited there.

And what would you say if I said I wanted a kid?

Well, Giovanni have told you

I was looking for a father for my child, right?

-How embarrassing. -Why?

You must think I'm a crazy woman.

Like you when I said that I love to go shopping.

You thought I was a crazy woman. Right?

Okay, we kept our side of the bargain.

Now you have a date with a friend.

You don't have female friends.

She's my colleague from the hospital.

-And I do have female friends. -No, no you don't.

-You have to call Tony. -No, I'm not going to...

And if I wanted to,

we don't have his number.

We do have his parent's though.

Yeah, but he won't be there.

He'll be in Berlin or London.

He'll come here just to do gigs in the Santiago Bernabéu.

-The Calderón. -Hey?

His dream was to play in the Calderón.

And what the hell do I say?

Start by asking forgiveness.

Sorry?

Why? Cos I slept with Paula, a groupie?

She wasn't a groupie, they'd been going out for 4 years. Raquel.

-So who was Paula? -Tony's sister.

He had a sister?

I don't know Tony

but maybe it's not a good idea to mention that bit.

It's ringing.

Ask them where he is.

Maybe his parents are de...

Hello, Madam.

How are you? I am a friend of your son...

Ah, you're his sister.

Paula, how's things?

How are you?

I'm Javi, I don't know if you...

Yes, of course. The voice.

No, I remember you perfectly.

Hey, what's Tony up to?

Tony died 10 years ago.

May I, doctor?

Of course, come in Joaquín.

-So do you like him or not? -He's great. He's the perfect guy.

That's why I think he's gay.

He's not. Why don't you ask him?

How can I ask him that? It's a bit forward, isn't it?

And if he says he is?

I don't know much about it, I'm still a kid.

But if what you want is to have me,

someone gay could be my dad.

Well, in theory, yes.

But, if possible, I'd like the full package.

You're very selfish mum.

What kind of mother will you be?

And if you think he's gay, why so much effort to look nice?

-Hey? -That's exactly why, darling.

Being hetero, he wouldn't notice.

I have to look divine.

If he's gay he's going to give me the full body scan.

It doesn't look good.

And you need diplomas to know that?

I told you I piss blood every morning.

-Of course it doesn't look good. -I have to insist.

We have to begin treatment.

Here we go round again.

Can you find me the kidney I need for the transplant?

You know there are several criteria...

Criteria for organ donors.

It's highly amusing that even for this,

you're discriminated for being old.

You retire and you don't even qualify to be saved.

I'm sorry. If it was up to me...

Why not give me one of yours?

-One what? -A kidney.

If you are so sorry...

No, hey...

I can't...

Relax, little man, I'm pulling your leg.

It's quite right that they give priority to young folk.

I've been here for ages eating up the world.

In any case the treatment...

...is going to make me feel like shit and won't save my life.

And as for me, dying, no problem.

All I ask is they bury me with this fine head of hair.

Here I am doctor.

Ready for the appointment.

I must be desperate to come to you.

Imagine, the kind of surprise

you're going to give me, gimme a little Viagra so...

I do beg your pardon, I thought we were...

No, relax, I was just going.

Congratulations for taking it with such a sense of humour.

Even though you're so desperate.

Sorry?

I can imagine the kind of surprise they're going to give you.

-Ah... -But, like that.

That's the best way to face it.

Caramba!

Doctor, give the kid a couple of boxes of Viagra.

Screw and screw some more, the world is coming to and end.

You arranged a blind date in a hospital cafeteria?

Didn't you say the best thing was to meet for coffee?

Yes, okay but in a normal café.

What's wrong with a hospital cafeteria?

They do a really good coffee.

I'm going to ask for an espresso with iodine.

The good thing is that if you have a stroke you'll get seen quick.

That's the good part? Why should I have a stroke?

I dunno. One thing I ask is please don't get nervous.

Stress is a risk factor.

So do you want to meet her or not?

I think the men's department is upstairs.

No, it's just that I love girls' clothes.

Just to look.

Trouble is they never seem to have my size.

Don't get paranoid, mum, he's kidding around.

Anyway, gays don't wear girls' clothes.

That's a homophobic notion.

I'm sorry, he's cute, but he shows all the signs.

-What? -Hey?

This sweater.

It's nice but shows all the signs.

The signs of what?

Being itchy.

These sweaters with the polo necks and so much wool...

Yeah, and girls in polo necks do nothing for me.

they look better on guys.

A guy in a polo neck looks great, no?

Um.

Um.

Um.

David was right, the coffee's good.

That's praise coming from you.

He told me you're a food critic.

Yes, I'm a...

There you go.

Do you like creative cuisine?

I like all kinds of cooking.

Right.

Are you a surgeon?

Gynecologist.

Ah, great.

We're two of a kind.

I like all kinds of vaginas.

The truth is you thought

he was going to introduce you to someone worse.

No, I mean...

I hadn't even thought about it, David said that he had a...

Don't worry, I thought exactly the same thing.

I suppose I should take that as some kind of complement.

Not really, my expectations were very low.

Now we have so much in common, tonight we'll have dinner at mine.

If Mister Critic thinks that's okay.

The important thing at dinner is to leave a space for dessert.

If that's an attempt at a metaphor about sex

take it as given that we'll end up in bed.

I'm telling you now so you don't get nervous

and spend all the time thinking about if you'll get lucky.

We'll eat, shower, then you can do what you want with me.

Eh...

I'm not 100% sure. He looks at me and I think he likes me.

Perhaps he's not gay.

He's gay for sure, I can tell you.

-Gays say that everyone is gay. -That's not true.

Well, okay, yes, it's true.

Give him the hetero-test.

-The hetero-test? -Yup.

You put a blouse on so you can see the nipples.

Sit in front of him, missiles pointing.

If he can hold your gaze, he's not for you.

That's absurd.

If a girl did that to me I'd look as well.

A hetero will start to sweat, get nervous,

make furtive glances.

Case closed.

Great, so there are two options.

He's either gay or he'll start drooling.

That's what it's about my dear.

Look. It could be worse.

Some dork I shagged last month.

20 messages a day?

I don't answer but he won't give up.

She answered!

If you wipe it, I'll kill you!

What does it say?

"Sorry, please stop writing."

Perhaps she says that cos she wants me to call?

Right?

A technical point.

What should I do to make sure my missiles are pointing?

Don't worry about that.

I always carry falsies.

Just in case.

I don't know what kills me more,

that fake nipples exist or that

you carry them around with you.

Ay!

Hello.

Hello.

-How are you? -Fine, fine, great.

It's a lovely spot isn't it?

Yes, yes.

N... Neat.

Shall we order?

Er... yeah. What would you like?

The same as you.

-Just there, can you feel it? -Yes, I think so.

The best way to know if you have found the G-spot

is that the skin is a bit rough, like a walnut.

But a nut with the shell and so on

or what's inside, already peeled?

Put the fingers in more.

That's it. And now,

move them, as if you were saying: come here.

Come here.

Okay there, right?

Now, yes. Very good.

There.

That's great.

Are you always so cold?

What I don't like is that the dinner getting cold. Let's eat.

Yeah, er...

It's great living close to the river.

It's a really "neat" neighbourhood.

Shame they're going to pull down the stadium.

It's great that you like football.

I was thinking more of the concerts.

But you do like football?

-Do you like it much? -Not one bit.

But you should like it.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, sure.

-You duck when I try to kiss you? -Right.

If you're not gay, I'm gonna be real depressed.

Of course I'm gay, it's obvious.

-I gave you the hetero-test. -The hetero what?

Why did you spend all night looking at my tits.

Because you've got four nipples.

I'm going to jump in the river.

Please don't pull me out.

-Have you finished? -Well...

-So... -Swallow.

Wow!

Eh...

Will you shower first?

I thought we'd be doing the shower thing together.

Don't get your wires crossed, it's purely hygienic.

With me, no pretending, I don't want a romantic film,

or a soundtrack of violins or butterflies in the stomach.

-Do you like me? -Well, yes, sure, let's see...

Hey.

Perfect, I like you too.

Now we only have to find out if we are compatible in bed.

Uh.

Well, okay, great.

I have the feeling that when you orgasm,

you'll stab me in the neck.

And I have the feeling that you are so turned on now

that you wouldn't leave, if that were the case.

Uh, uh.

Okay, I think I'll take that shower.

Perfect.

Hey...

Javier.

I know that you want to have a kid and I do to.

I only have so many egg cells left.

Maybe 30 or 40.

I can't waste time. So let yourself go.

Now I am scared. Really scared.

Ah!

Ah ha!

Don't frighten me like that, jesus!

Are you never going to get used to it?

It would help if you popped up in a normal way,

not in the mirror, like a scary ghost.

You're not going to sleep with her?

You're a bit young to be talking things like that.

What's wrong with her?

She has got it a bit planned out.

-She could be your mum. -Dad.

She'll tell me Father Christmas isn't real before my first tooth.

You'll be ahead of the game. Out, I have to take a shower.

You know I don't exist.

Good morning.

Dad, you're ill.

I wish I was.

What I am is old.

I wasn't asking you.

Who the hell gave you permission to look at my stuff?

That hardly matters.

You should be in Mexico with your mother.

-Gimme that. -Does she know about all this?

What could she know? She knows nothing about me.

Nor is she interested. Her or anyone else.

And tomorrow you can leave this house.

That's why you didn't do the tests.

Clever clogs Cantinflas!

But this is serious, you can't go through it alone!

-We have the right to know! -As I do not to speak about it.

Okay.

-In that case, I'll tell them. -No, listen.

-Gimme that. -No, no.

-No, old man. -Give.

Ah!

Hey!

Are you crazy, what are you doing?

I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone.

You were very little when your mother walked out

15 years ago and I was left here.

With a an ache far worse than this bloody illness.

During those first years after she left,

your sister looked at me as if if she felt sorry for me.

I couldn't stand it if she was ever to look at me that way again.

Dad.

C'mon, c'mon.

And this little hug, don't mention it to anyone.

But it's not funny!

If Goyo is gay, and only gay,

why would he date you?

Because he wants a girl to bring up a baby with.

And, as for a love-life, we each go our own way.

So why not think about it?

Firstly because I want a lover not a donor.

And secondly, because he wants a girl, not a nutter with four tits.

You are the worst best friends in the world!

No.

Now he phones.

God this guy is a pain in the ass.

A professional pain the ass.

If you want I'll introduce you.

-No! -Hello?

No, I'm a friend.

But she wants to meet up with you.

On one condition.

Hello.

And what is it you think you are doing?

Meatballs, but I'm having trouble making the little balls.

Is there a trick?

Yeah, having cooked at least once in you life.

I thought it looked easy, but they keep falling apart.

Why don't you have Cheetos, like every night?

I was doing you a favour.

I saw a bit of meat that smelt a bit off

and I thought I do meatballs, so as not to waste it.

That rancid meat was Mediterranean tuna belly.

Judging by the name and taste, it must be expensive shit.

But the occasion merits it. We have guests.

Guests, in my house?

More accurately, female guests.

Didn't you want us to introduce you to friends?

Yeah.

So I invited some girls round to make up a foursome.

It's impossible that you have organized a...

No, no. They're not prostitutes are they?

What are you saying, are you nuts?

They're normal girls.

Not so normal if they agreed to meet up with you.

In truth, I'm meeting my girlfriend.

And her friend asked her if she could find someone for her.

I'm sure the first one isn't your girlfriend and the other one...

Can you imagine what kind of troll would ask you to do such a thing?

Look, I'm splitting.

Wait, Javi.

Would you excuse us a moment?

-Which one's mine? -The one on the left.

As we're looking at them or them at us?

-The blonde. -Okay.

Would you excuse us once again.

A little detail I forgot to mention.

When I was with mine, I told her a little lie.

-You have to play along. -One second. What lie?

They think I'm you and you are me.

No, wait...

That's twice you shut the door in our faces?

Hey...

No.

Well, yes, but Nacho is very shy.

Seeing you like that, shocked him a bit.

-That's right isn't it, Nacho? -I'm not...

I'm not so shy.

The wine.

To begin, the white.

Here we have the Protos Verdejo,

or the Chateau de France.

The Verdejo I think. The other one is olive oil.

Okay fine, we'll save it for later.

It'll be great on a salad. You open the wine.

And I'll finish off the dinner.

So...

What is that you two do?

I work for Ryanair.

Scary, I couldn't be a steward.

-Isn't that a liitle sexist? -Sorry.

Stewardess, steward.

Or flight attendent, what is it they say now?

In my case, pilot.

Or Flight Commander.

Why assume she is a stewardess?

Well, let's see, it's not about sexism.

I saw you both and I just thought

you could be stewardesses.

Eh...

If I said that it was because you're good-looking and when

I think of good-looking girls I see stewardesses. That's sexist?

Very.

So it's a good thing I didn't say it.

And what is it that you do, sunshine?

Nacho draws comics.

No, sorry.

Don't be embarrassed.

I'm a food critic,

which is a pretentious job,

I don't mind admitting it.

But you know what?

My case is much worse.

I go about saying I'm a comic artist,

but I've only published one comic in my entire life.

And I haven't drawn anything for years now.

-You published a comic? -Yeah.

-I love comics! -Do you wanna see it?

-No. -Yes.

"The Lone Wolf".

Good title.

Loads. Is it autobiographical?

I'm afraid it is a bit.

I don't know why I listen to you.

-It's here. -Are you sure?

-Is this the flat? -This one.

-Rafa, seriously, it would be better if we went.

No.

-What are you doing? -That's it.

I suppose you must be Tony's mum.

I'm his sister.

Oh, of course! Shit! Paula!

Christ, I didn't recognize you.

You look just the same.

You're Rafa, right?

You really are just the same.

Mediterranean tuna meatballs.

Deconstructed.

And what kind of dressing is that?

I hope I'm not wrong, but I'd say they're Cheetos.

Nacho, Javi tells me that you're divorced.

Ah, yes, yes.

Separated, it's not the same.

If you're not divorced, you could get back together.

I hope not, she was a right harridan.

You shouldn't talk about your ex that way.

-What's it to you? -Well, it matters.

I thought she was alright.

She had her peculiarities, but she was nice.

-What was her name? -Marian.

-Míriam. -Míriam, yeah.

If I can't even remember her name you can imagine, hey?

-You have a kid, don't you? -Do you like kids?

Yes, sure, loads.

-How old is he? -Who?

-Your son. -Ah, yes, 9.

-14. -14, yeah.

I get confused because he's shot up recently.

Oooh!

Elisa, will you come with me to the kitchen

so we can leave these two to get to know each other a bit better?

Okay, seems like a good idea.

What was it you wanted?

We came to pay our respects.

You know that my brother died 15 years ago, right?

Yes, it's that we only just found out

and we're a bit upset.

Not so much in my case, because I didn't know him.

We wanted to pay our respects.

We'd like to ask you a favour, connected with your brother.

Another meatball?

I think it would be better if I left.

Hey...

Wait, wait.

Why don't we take the opportunity to get to know each other?

An immature comic artist

recently seperated and doesn't know how old his son is?

That's quite enough, thanks.

Are we going to play the opening and closing the door game again?

Fine.

Wait, Marta.

And if I wasn't me?

What?

I'm not Nacho, for godsake, I'm Javi,

the pretentious food critic.

-Are you kidding? -No, christ.

My brother lied to your friend

and I played along so as not to mess up his story.

I know it was wrong, I'm really sorry.

But I'm not separated and I don't have a kid either.

And you're not the Lone Wolf?

Well, from time to time.

Javi doesn't suit you.

Why's that?

It's a name for a handsome guy.

So Nacho suits me better.

Yeah, Nacho suits you. Nachete.

The funny roly-poly one.

Great.

Hey, look.

We're neither of us suited to romantic films or

butterflies in the stomach.

-Or the sound of violins. -Excuse me?

Speak for yourself.

If it's not going to be Pretty Woman, I won't leave my house.

Why do you think they put it on every Christmas?

Wait, Marta.

Er...

Tomorrow I have to review a restaurant near here.

Called Zenit.

I don't imagine it's anything, special but if you came along,

I'm sure it'll get more points

and you'll make the chef's day.

Zenit sounds alright.

-Perhaps I'll come. -Okay.

Let me have your number.

Perhaps I'll come.

There's no plan B. If I decide not to, you eat alone.

You liked him, didn't you?

What would you know?

I know you as well as if you were my mother.

-Your brother has a problem. -What happened?

I don't know what goes on inside his head,

but when he has an orgasm,

he hugs me, he starts to cry saying: "Thank you, I love you."

He's not right in the head.

He's been keeping it inside for months.

Eh...

-The tears. -No, no no..

It was the same last month.

I ran off and when I went back, the same thing all over again.

So why did you go back?

Cos I'd forgotten the dog.

So did you speak to him?

Yeah, we spoke, but just a little.

You shagged him again but didn't tell him you were pregnant.

That makes it worse.

I'm already pregnant, it couldn't get any worse.

Very funny, Carla, my sides are splitting.

Did you want to see me just to give me another sermon?

Christ, no.

I'm meeting the doctor.

I met someone else.

It's only fair to meet her and tell her

that that's the situation. So you didn't come here to see me.

Of course I did. That's why I'm meeting her here.

Because she's a gynecologist and as you won't go to the doctor

the mountain can come to Mohammed.

Let's see if I understand the plan.

You're meeting this girl to chuck her

and you're going to say that now that she's here,

she might as well have a look up your pregnant friend.

It sounded better in my head.

Sounded better than what?

Hey... Look!

Débora.

This is Carla, a friend.

She's pregnant by the way.

Maybe you should say something?

-Congratulations? -Thanks.

I'll leave you to it.

Eh...

Any problem?

No.

Well, look, yes.

I know you don't like wasting time.

I'll come straight out with it. Er...

I'm sorry, but I don't think we're compatible.

What are you saying? My vaginal fluid

and your sperm have the same PH balance.

Do you know what the chances are?

I hadn't thought too much about it.

Just that with you, it's all a bit...

If it's not going to be Pretty Woman, I won't leave my house.

What?

Well, I'd be the other one.

-Which one? -I dunno.

Richard Gere, right?

You're dumping me because you want to be Richard Gere?

Why do you think they always put it on at Christmas?

No, you don't return a gift.

It's for health reasons.

As I can't get you to do the tests,

-at least you'll have a dog. -What's that got to do with it?

Haven't you heard about the instinct dogs have?

They can smell death.

If you're going to snuff it, he might warn us.

What instinct! Not even a dead baby!

-Dead baby? -It's a saying

-we have here in Spain. -Not the most appropriate.

Are you hiding something?

No.

No, what? No.

-Nonsense. -Rubbish.

I have to tell her.

Well, dad...

he's embarrassed to admit it.

But he gave me a hug.

He said I could stay

as long as I wanted.

Seriously? Well, well!

No, one second, one second.

I'm left with the hippy's fleas and you can take the dog's.

We have to share out the parasites.

It's that...

I knew it...

Oh!

You've put Tony's ashes in a jar of Chococao?

Not all of them. She only gave us half.

And we emptied it out first.

Mixing them in would have shown a lack of respect.

The family wanted to keep the urn.

Tony's dream was to play in the Calderón stadium.

We'll do the concert for him.

Just as a tribute, no audience.

The Pink Panthers.

-And Tony of course. -And when we finish,

we'll scatter his ashes on the pitch.

He'll love it.

The important question is that he is with us and will live out his dream.

Maybe he had a different idea.

As they're going to pull down the, stadium it'll be even more legendary.

The last concert in the Calderón.

The first, the Rolling Stones, in '82.

The last, The Pink Panthers, tonight.

Wait, what do you mean tonight?

A mate who works there on security can sneak us in.

I can't tonight.

Why not? What's happening today?

Er...

The same as usual.

Running after a girl and ditching his mates.

Really?

You're going to stiff your best friend again now that he's dead?

One thing, why did his sister have the ashes in her house?

She didn't have them, numbnuts.

We asked for a minstrel shirt and the traditional dance gear.

This is just Chococao.

If we told him the truth, Javi wouldn't come.

Of course, of course.

-Well, well! -Gorgeous!

Did you ask the pilot to tell Marta I'm not going?

-Yes, of course. -And did you ask for her number?

Sss...

And? And did she give it you?

Tell him the truth.

He couldn't speak to the pilot. What?

I wiped her number. I don't want to see her anymore.

Why didn't you tell me?

We were afraid you'd go on your date and wouldn't come.

Didn't you say she might not go?

It's not certain, but I'm sure she will.

And if you call the restaurant?

-I'm going to kill the pair of you. -Restaurant Zenit.

I'm Javier, I had a reservation for tonight,

but I can't make it.

-Is my companion there? -I'll check.

I'm gonna kill you twice, jerk.

No. No one else has turned up.

There isn't a girl waiting?

A blonde girl, quite good-looking.

-Sorry, I'm afraid she isn't here. -Are you sure?

And if I give you my number?

Sure, and if she shows up I'll pass on your message.

Ah ha, ah ha.

Perfect, don't worry.

I'll take care of it.

It seems my friend's friend isn't working tonight.

Some shit about his wife giving birth.

But don't worry, I have a plan B.

I can't believe it.

Are you following me around?

It seems you're the one who's following me.

Because this is my restaurant.

You are the proprietor?

Well, proprietor is a very ugly word.

I like to think I'm a talent spotter.

Wait, where are you going?

Are you meeting someone or did you come alone?

Don't tell me you have been stood up?

Do I look like I've been stood up?

No.

No. You look like you'd like to try the gourmet menu.

Five dishes, five continents, five sensations.

As have just opened, we have to stimulate... word of mouth.

Well, I haven't eaten and if it's on the house...

Perfect.

What are you doing?

Sorry, didn't I mention it?

The gourmet menu is for at least two people.

First we throw grass from the pitch into the river.

Then we play.

Finally, we throw Tony's ashes into the river too.

Plan B is watertight, eh?

Well, the river is a bit dry.

Is the grass from the pitch?

No, christ, I got it from the park next door.

Are we going to let this stop us?

C'mon for godsake, this is for Tony!

Thanks for walking me home.

Hey... And thanks for the dinner.

No, thank you for letting yourself go.

I cook emotions.

It's not about whetting the apetite,

rather realeasing your chakras.

If you'd told me that, I don't know if I'd have stayed for dinner.

Ah.

-Yeah. -No, it was delicious.

Look at those idiots.

-Let's go! This one's for Tony. -What's up?

Throwing crap in the river. Minstrels I think.

-They make me sick. -Calm down.

I can't calm down. It's like mistreating a bison.

Or cutting down a sequoia.

I can't stand brats mistreating nature that way!

They are more than brats I think.

-I'm going to speak to them. -Hey! Hey!

Uh!

Aren't you a bit old to be doing that?

Too old for what?

Throwing shit in the river.

And dressing up as minstrels, it's pitiful.

Who's this div?

I dunno, but if he doesn't calm, down I'm gonna smack him one.

This river should be alive.

Throwing crap for a laugh is for dumb kids.

Well, I still have enough brain left to want to flatten you.

Calm down.

You're making a mistake.

-We're going to throw this... -What?

We're going to throw this...

You're not going to throw anything.

I'll kill him!

-Tony! -No!

Now this guy really is a laugh.

He left me here alone.

He's an idiot.

Let's go!

Hey!

Marta!

Sorry, I can't stop, they'll kill me!

We'll meet up another time!

Mum, say yes, he's great!

I don't have your number!

-I can't give it to you like this! -Why?

Ah.

You're right, mum he is a bit dumb.

Stop, stop!

In this outfit it's impossible to run.

He's got Tony's ashes for godsake!

Are you going to give up? He's making off with our friend.

It's Chococao.

-What? -It's just Chococao.

We tricked you into coming.

But the best part is

that you were ready to fight for your friend's memory.

It's true.

We're very proud.

Panthers.

All I need now is that minstrel to come and serenade me.

Let's go home, Cristina.

Don't call me Cristina.

"A sincere goodbye,

my soul aches so".

"In saying farewell,

of feeling I die."

For Tony!