Original subtitles

Tall, short, blonde, dark.

Beautiful, ugly, rude, nice, cultured, boorish.

Fat, thin, rich...

Under 25, Over 50.

Over 55.

Civil servants, businessmen, workers.

Lawyers, teachers, waitresses.

Salaried workers.

Shop assistants, bankers. Even someone self-employed.

And a civil guard in the mountains.

I can't do any more.

I can't go on anymore.

Whatever they're like or whatever they do,

you are the problem, dad.

Hey, don't call me dad. I get scared, I wake up

and can't get back to sleep.

Don't call me "girl".

You have to think of a name for me.

Why would I call you? You just turn up on your own.

Oh! Christ.

Okay, that's it. I'm awake.

Let's watch an episode of something.

Is that your breakfast, mum?

-Pizza? -It's leftovers,

I'm not chucking it.

Is that how you'll bring me up?

Yeah. Enjoying life. You'll be really happy

if you like pizza when you're born.

You'll have pizza everyday.

And if I don't like it, I'll just get sick of it.

Can't you see that's why you can't find me a dad?

Cos I have pizza for breakfast?

Because you look for guys you don't have to try with.

You look for pizza guys.

Maybe your ideal man is like vegetables.

At first you don't like them, but they make you feel better.

For you to be born, I have to forget Pizza Man

and find Artichoke Man?

Yup, that's it. Artichoke Man.

Sounds good, doesn't it?

Dull.

Good morning. How's things? Did you sleep okay?

C'mon, tell him. Tell him you didn't sleep a wink.

Why don't you shut up?

I just got here. I only said hello.

Hey? Yes, yes. I heard you.

Does it bother you I say hello?

No. But you don't have to say it each time you see me.

It's good manners, isn't it?

Well, yes. And it depends.

If you meet a stranger, fair enough.

But you're always here. I see enough of you. I dunno.

It gets boring.

It's not that difficult.

If you don't like him being here, why not throw him out?

-Shut up! -Fine, not another peep.

This week I pack and go.

-He doesn't believe it himself. -You don't believe it yourself.

Bingo! Great dad, that means we're really connected now.

When will you leave me be?

When you find me a mum.

I told you, this week I'll leave you be. Don't go on.

Excuse me, Nacho, that wasn't meant for you.

Who were you talking to?

I don't know, to myself I supppose. Forgive me.

I'm a bag of nerves with all this finding a girl business.

-I mean, a mother. -They're not the problem. You are.

What did you say?

You don't have to give them an exam.

You go out with girls like you were writing a review.

You try a little and see if you like them or not.

But you don't enjoy the taste.

It's a figure of speech. I don't mean...

Yeah, okay. I got it. Thanks.

When I saw you I thought:

the way she looks, she must be lost.

What look?

I dunno, you know...

You know.

You don't look like you come round here very often.

All the time.

Especially if there's, a demo or a drum circle.

Ah.

Do you like dogs?

Sure, who doesn't?

Dogs, cats, kebabs. All that stuff.

I've got one in fact.

Oh yeah? What breed?

Er...Who cares? What does it matter?

We're all the same but dogs aren't?.

Or are we going to be racist only about those things that affect us?

And do you like kids?

Oh yeah. They're far out.

But to bring a child into this world seems a terrible thing.

Yeah. I've thought loads about that.

Because look at me now. But what with pregnancy, birth,

stretchmarks... I'll lose this lithe body

cos of the damn creature.

I meant bringing a child into this overpopulated, rotten

capitalist world torn apart by inequality and injustice.

Yes, yes. That as well, sure.

-If he was cute, give him a chance. -He wasn't my type, I promise you.

A roll in the hay, in his squat.

Marta, I'm going to tell you something.

Some things you have to try to know if you like them or not.

But you're obsessed with trying everything.

I don't want to try that,

like I don't want to try having an appendicitis. What for?

Hey, you do know that you have to feed them every day, don't you?

One day without, won't do any harm.

Beach body time.

For dogs and for babies.

Why do you think I couldn't take care of a child?

Because you can't even take care of Substitute.

Who is Substitute?

Oh? The pup. I do look after him.

Time to eat, old man!

And what's he doing here?

I invited him to come.

No, no, I meant you.

You've been leaving for a month but you're still here.

But he cooks for you.

Enchiladas, you'll be licking your fingers.

You like it spicy, don't you?

I can eat anything.

But as for these enchillywhatsitsnames.

Looks good.

With special chillies I brought from Mexico.

Why didn't you bring some Mayan gold instead?

You could pay the rent with it somewhere.

What the hell is this?

So you can do your tests.

I'm not taking any tests, stop insisting!

-I’m afraid of needles! -They're urine tests.

That's what they tell you, then they pull out a whopping syringe!

Dad, don't whine! You have to to do it. You don't look so good.

I began to look this way when you. were born. I'm fit as a fiddle.

Why don't you do it then?

If you start, in the end they find something.

And I want to live quietly. And alone, god-willing.

Okay, old man. But you understand that we are the good cops.

And you can go along with us.

Or go with the Martas.

Right!

C'mon, eat up.

Is it hot, dad?

Not at all, sunshine.

Hey, dad.

It's the first time since I got here I've seen you get all emotional.

You have a list of ex-girlfriends with the marks you gave them?

Yup. Not exactly ex-girlfriends.

Just girls that I had some kind of something with.

What is "some kind of something"?

A snog at least.

If there weren't tongues they don't make the list.

What did you do it for?

Dunno. I was 14. I thought everyone did it.

Why everyone?

-Dunno. It's a nice souvenir. -Yeah.

Really romantic. Especially, giving them marks.

The marks weren't only for if they were good-looking or not.

There were all kinds of criteria.

I prefer not to know.

All kinds, clever clogs.

And they changed as I got older. Think about it,

when I was 15 and they let me

put my hand under their bra, that was a lot of points.

After 25, that wasn't even part of the exam.

Sure, sure. All very sensible.

It's a shag list.

I called it my little book of lost loves.

Am I in it?

Give it back.

It's private.

I want to know how many points I got.

Here I am.

No marks given.

-Yeah. -You cheeky bastard.

After what happened, I couldn't give you a mark.

What was it that happened to us?

You know, that, when...

-When we went out as friends. -And I was left...frustrated.

The bit about being friends came later.

Doesn't matter. Give it back.

Do you understand what I said?

It's odd. Of all the girls in the book,

I only get on with those I couldn't do it with.

What does that prove?

Mmm, that if you’d been impotent more often,

-you’d have more girlfriends now. -Yeah right.

It means that I am the problem. I always have been.

Maybe the love of my life is on the list and I let her get away.

Go and see them all one by one and give them all some chocolates.

Why chocolates?

I don't know. Chocolates, flowers.

The kind of shit old people like.

Hand it over, numbnuts!

I won't confide in you again.

Hey! Dad! You scared me!

What are you doing asleep on the toilet?

Stop shouting for godsake!

I wanted to make sure you couldn't have a piss.

I can't even have a quiet piss in your house?

-Are you bursting? -Of course.

Here. Do it here.

-It's your analysis bottle. -Exactly, you fill it for me.

Why would I do that?

Because I say so. I'm your father.

It's the price for staying in my house.

Old man! Why won't you do the tests?

Because my cholesterol is sky high

and they'll take away the wine and the sweet things

and any desire I have to live.

And your sister won't get off my case.

If you do it we can all rest easy.

Your sister will be happy, so will I

and you can stay here.

In Mexico we call it blackmail.

Of course. It's part of our cultural legacy

from when we discovered America.

We gave you blackmail

and you brought us potatoes.

I know what you're thinking.

If I don't like it now, I won't be a good mother.

The worst part is your air of superiority.

As if to say: "A wee present I left for you".

Let's see.

I know I shouldn't have done that with the poo.

But I can explain.

I mean...

Do you have kids?

300 euros! For some dog shit!.

And for such a small dog, for godsake!

-What's that got to do with it? -Less shit, surely.

Oh yes. The cops should carry scales

and give fines according to the size of the poop.

Don't laugh at me.

I'm trying to be responsible with Substitute

to prove I can do it with a kid.

But look, I think a dog is harder than a kid.

My dear, I think it's the opposite. Surely?

Well, no.

Today a kid would have been better than a dog.

I never heard of a mother getting fined

for not picking up her kid's shit.

A mother doesn't take her kids to the street for a shit.

-Giovanni, you're not helping. -And you not helping me.

You've only just got here and it's late.

And the shop's been buzzing all morning.

-Really? -No.

Not a soul.

All month the same.

Marta, we have to do something.

Okay, we have to be patient.

Oh!

Look who's here, my three favourite little doggies.

Christ!

You can't be there everytime I open a door, Jesus.

And you shouldn't be so surprised to see me.

It gets boring. Where are you going?

I'm off to the gym.

-Oh, really? -Yes.

Okay. I'll tag along.

No. It's not the right kind of place for a little girl.

What with the changing rooms and...

A gym isn't the right kind of place for you either.

What do you mean?

It's ideal for picking up girls.

Yes, but not among all those gym bunnies. Dad, you're all squishy.

More squishy than strong.

Well, so much the worse for you. This is your genetic endowment.

Get in.

That's why I worry about the mum you're looking for.

Because if I don't take after her, I'll be fat and hung up.

And with a huge head.

Hey, watch it, I'm not building you piece by piece.

You're off to meet your exes. If you want my opinion...

Actually no, I don't want it.

When you're born and reach 18, you give it me. Okay?

And I won't listen to you,

but you can get together with your mum to make my life hell.

But I'm the one who'll be recruiting your partner in crime, okay?

Hello. I'm so glad that you came.

When I called, I wasn't sure you'd come.

Bu...

Off to a good start then.

SWOT?

What is SWOT?

SWOT analysis is a way to know if a company is going well or not.

Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats.

All very well.

But what Marta needs, more than SWOT,

what she needs is

SWAC

Sex With Allcomers

You're both taking the piss.

SWOT is used in all the business schools in the world.

For SWAC, you don't have to go to school.

You're right there.

I don't know how you dare to turn up like this.

After 10 years.

With good intentions, hey?

I brought you some roses.

If you'd brought a funeral wreath with your name on,

I'd be happier.

Why did you call me?

I don't know. Memories.

That's it. To see how you were getting on.

"Scooby-dooby".

I can't complain.

Yeah. Yeah. You haven't changed a bit.

You look great.

So these are my missed opportunities.

And you let these 33 hunks escape?

-You didn't like any of them? -They had their good points.

I had a boyfriend. What could I do?

Sorry. There's something I get here.

Where do we begin?

So why here?

I heard you were a restaurant critic now?

Yes, yes. I thought you might remember.

Our first kiss was here.

I remember perfectly.

In that table over there in the corner.

I can't see another kiss in the offing.

But if you buy me a Whopper.

Hmmm, Enrique. I met him one crazy night.

No biggie.

-32 to go? -Don't worry, 19 left.

Wait, wait. Is that Stefano?

18.

Who is Stefano? He taught design.

Giovanni was jealous of him, but he was lovely.

He lives in Milan.

Cheers, mate.

Enjoy.

It's great to see you.

Really? That's great.

And, of course.

So we can split up.

Excuse me?

You disappeared 17 years ago.

No calls, you didn't answer mine,

no messages, no note from a friend.

So officially we're still going out together, right?

Er... Christ, I'm sorry.

No, no. I don't want "sorry". I want you to chuck me.

You want me to chuck you?

Yeah. I want to hear you say it.

Me? I called you a pig?

God, I don't remember.

It would have been "pig" in the the good sense of the word.

No. If my friend called you a pig, she had her reasons.

Filth!

Very well.

But let's not lose the plot, there are only three left.

I've been waiting 17 years. Don't you think I deserve it?

It's, I... I don't know how to begin.

To begin what, darling?

Hey?

Okay. Okay.

Look, you are a

lovely girl

but it's not you, it's me.

But I think we should just be friends, okay?

What are you saying, my love?

Well, just that. You're chucked.

-You're chucking me? -Yes.

Seriously?

But how can you do this to me?

Right now.

I've got three months

to go on my degree project.

My dad has just gone into hospital.

I was looking after you while your leg was in plaster.

I bailed on the Erasmus in Italy

because you couldn't be apart from me so long.

How can you be such a bastard now?

I just had a STD

that you supposedly caught in a public toilet.

I don't speak to my best friend anymore

when it was her who warned me what a son-of-a-bitch you are!

And now, here you are, bold as brass and you're chucking me?

No way!

You bastard! I'm chucking you, mate.

Thanks for that. It felt great.

Okay. Let's go.

-I’m going to call Ricky. -What?

-This Ricky? -Who is Ricky?

A guy I met on a pattern design course.

A bit full of himself, but really cute.

A bit full? Totally full.

Why didn't you call him earlier?

Well. I was a bit embarrassed to.

I'll read his last Whatsapp.

Hello. If you say no I'll throw myself off a bridge.

Do you want to go to the cinema?

There you are. Tell him you do.

He wrote that in 2012.

Okay. No matter. Call him anyway.

I can't do it.

It seems that everyone likes Ricky.

And as for the second kiss?

Where did you take me?

If you like, I'll take you there, it's just around the corner.

Javi!

Elvira, what are you doing here?

What do you mean? You called me and here I am.

Excuse me, are you meeting another woman here?

No. Well, yes. But no.

Let me explain to you both.

I called you because. Because...

This can't be fixed. Yes, I called you both.

I'm pathetic There's no cure for me.

-I can't believe it. -Idiot, two at the same time?

-No, you are early. -Sorry, I'm bang on time.

No, no. Well, yes, yes. But you are one of tomorrow's.

Ah, because there are several?

No, we were meeting today.

No, christ. No one can get me out of this,

it's all going to pot. But you were down for tomorrow as a 7

and today was for 8s and upwards.

What the hell are you on about?

You had an 8.5 and you might have got more.

Wait. Isn't this the place where we first kissed?

Eh, eh.

Yes, no worries. Calm down. I'll erase you. I'll erase you.

-You're really sick pal. -Really sick.

What do I say after seven years?

This is going to be weird.

No, no.

Wait, what are you writing?

He put: let's go to the cinema. You put: what time?

Did you really put that?

I didn't think about it, sorry dad.

Don't call me dad. Don't call me dad.

These things don't happen in my family.

This is what your mum taught you.

Hey, mum's got nothing to to do with it.

I'm of age and I can do what the hell I like.

What the hell I like!

Let' see you explain this to your sister.

-What? This? -Yes.

You asked for my urine and I gave it like the good son I am.

Now we have to face up to it.

Or rather, you tell her why you didn't do the tests.

Wow! Great old man! All sorted.

Problem solved.

Er, what are you doing?

You'll miss me.

Goodbye bro'.

I don't know where I'll be sleeping.

If you need something, call my mobile.

If I have any battery left. Cos I might not have a plug.

Christ! Aren't you going to say anything?

Oh, yes. Don't forget to leave the keys.

What?

Would you mind stopping being a dick?

You wanted me to leave your house.

-Have you changed your mind? -No.

But there's no need to go as if I was stabbing you in the back.

We were a team and now you're swapping me for some unknown girl.

I'm not swapping you for anyone.

Are you still thinking of finding someone to have a child with?

-Yes, of course. -Okay, so I'll stay.

-What? -Yes.

Someone has to help you find this mother.

And I know about these things.

Oh yeah, loads. Your wife left you and your kid won't speak to you.

Precisely.

Are you going to throw a poor homeless person out?

Open the suitcase.

What?

Open the suitcase, twerp.

-I haven't got the... -Open the damn suitcase, Nacho.

I knew that in the end, you'd feel sorry for me.

I didn't want to pack just to unpack later.

I can't belive you are hiding the test results.

-Where are they? -They haven't come back yet.

You're invading my space.

Marta, no. Please.

Hey! Give me that right now.

That's it! Don't be so daft.

What happened, Marta, is that the test showed that he smokes.

Weed.

What?

Grass?

Weed? You mean grass, you mean marijuana?

No, please. Not exactly.

What the results say is that...

I smoke spliffs.

I smoke joints. I'm a spliffer.

I like to have a toke, I'm of age you know.

I can do this thing called whatever I want to.

Dad, I can't believe it.

Me neither. I'm shocked.

Nice, hey?

Now your youngest is here with you? Some example you're setting him.

I don't have to set him anything.

We drug addicts are like that. Selfish bastards.

Dad, really, I hardly recognize you.

I wish I hadn't recognized you lot.

You, and you, and...

the other lump.

What did you say?

That way I'd live much better!

-Say sorry. -You want me to say sorry?

And you say nothing to him? I should say sorry? Me?

It's over. Now I'm late for a meeting because of you two.

Dad, we'll talk later about this.

That wasn't so bad was it?

Get off me, get off me!

"We have to destroy all viruses that came from this lab.

We have to kill it. -Burn me too.

-What are you saying?

-I'm patient zero. Burn me or this will never end".

"Do it now, for godsake!

Plug in the flamethrower.

-Jennifer!

I love you!".

Most interesting the movie, wasn't it?

Yeah, the last 45 minutes were tough going.

Just as well the first two and a half hours

just flew by.

So it went on a bit?

Well, little by little, I was growing to like the characters,

but as it was a Swedish film, maybe I have Stockholm syndrome.

So you didn't like it at all.

There was one bit I didn't get.

One bit?

Yes, why you dragged me along to see this shit?

Well, I don't know.

On the course, you seemed a bit snooty.

I thought this might be your thing.

Well, I'm more Bruce Willis myself.

Did he really call you snooty?

Why wouldn't I like Bruce Willis?

I can't see you watching Bruce Willis and a flamethrower.

Is there anything sexier than Bruce and his flamethrower.

And if he torches the whole of Swedish cinema, better still.

That was great, mum!

What was that?

Uh? Stretching. I've been sitting here for hours and I'm aching.

Uh!

Wow! Amazing!

Bruce Willis, genius.

He's a bit old for all that.

It doesn't fly, doesn't fly.

Rubbish! An action movie doesn't fly? Yeah, right.

Who should do it then?

Someone younger. Vin Diesel, or Jason Statham.

Don't compare those no-marks to Willis, please!

Bruce Willis is God, fucking John McClane, Jesus!

Who's John McClane?

That's the problem right there.

You see? He doesn't know who McClane is.

If you don't know then you can shut your mouth, Rafa.

It's not worth getting angry about.

No! I could...

Bruce Willis is great.

but Jason Statham slapping people around is number one.

My point exactly.

Vin Diesel can't half drive,

but for punching people out it's got to be Statham.

Even Steven Seagal can punch people.

But you can't believe he's in love with patient zero.

Yes, that's what it's about. You get it?

I mean he goes around slapping people

but he couldn't care less about, the girls in the film, could he?

But it's not a love story.

Wrong. All films are about love.

Where are you off to now?

To find patient zero.

Sorry, sorry!

Douche bag!

Are you okay? Well, look at me.

Look. Here she is.

Pati. I was 13, she was 14.

And I only gave her a 6.5, poor thing.

Carla, are you listening?

Truth be told, no.

But it's great that you realize.

Normally, guys of your age,

go on and on and don't care if you listen to them or not.

Great.

-Think she'll remember me? -Who?

-Christ. Pati. -Who's Pati?

Carla, this is Pati.

She was my first snog.

I thought you were going to say your first love.

There you go, it's the same thing. Who cares!

Doesn't matter. I have to find this girl.

-Why her? -Jesus, shes's patient zero.

Excuse me?

I have to go to the root of my problem, right?

And Pati is patient zero.

She was like my first... experiment.

But I did something wrong in the lab

and the virus escaped.

So I began to infect others who crossed my path.

So you are in fact patient zero, right?

No, no, I'm Steven Seagal.

-You're Steven Seagal? -From now on, Bruce Willis.

Ah, that makes me feel so much better.

Christ!

Who wraps dog shit in leaves for folk to step on?

You'd have to be a right douche bag.

Hey, it's not that big a deal.

Mum! Mum! Mum!

Can't we go home?

You're quite annoying for such a big boy.

Big? You don't know how old I am.

-I don't really exist. -Annoying for someone who doesn't exist.

We're waiting for Ricky. He's getting me something to wear.

He's got an open-top sports car?

-Didn't we all study the same thing? -Yeah.

So why do we only get a bus and rail pass?

He set up a textile firm and it's gone reallly well.

Yup, I have to say it's gone okay.

It's not high fashion, but...

Something more "ready to wear".

Not exactly.

Casual wear, I mean.

I design amusing t-shirts.

You'll see in a minute.

Right here, I have an example.

What do we have here?

Say no to drugs. There aren't enough to go round.

He designs t-shirts with silly jokes?

Yup, and sells them at rickyelreydelnicky.com.

Rickyelreydelnicky?

Yes. Rickyelreydelnicky.

Look. This is almost romantic.

If I was Superman, I'd carry you in my arms,

but as I'm not, you can shut up and take the bus.

Mum, this bloke can't be my dad.

It's pathetic, right? No.

Pathetic, no. More like cheesy lemon squeezy.

Not funny.

Okay. Sorry.

We'll move on, my silly one.

But if I'm bothering you,

you'll have to make do.

-Stop it! -I’m doing it for you.

So you get used to your boyfriend's sense of humour.

He's not my boyfriend. And you're not being fair.

You put him down cos he makes up little jokes for t-shirts?

No. You're going to put him down. You'll never be with someone like that.

-You don't know what I'm capable of. -I know what you like.

You like the clown.

-What clown? -The one hanging down.

Giovanni!

You coward.

Giovanni, come out!

Out! I'll count to three.

-If you count to five I'll come out. -I’m not daft. I'm not falling for it.

You know what?

I'm going to go out with Ricky.

Old man!

You haven't seen my...?

Are you crazy?

Do you know how much money you just flushed away?

Grass is for cows.

-You have no right. -My house, my rules.

Ah ha! So you accept me in your house.

If you promise to stop smoking.

And you promise to do the tests.

Deal?

Is this mutual blackmail the official family welcome?

I was more than surprised to see your Facebook message this morning.

I guess you were.

If I'd had your number, I'd have called yesterday.

I really needed to speak to you.

Well, don't exagerate. It was what? Twenty-seven years?

Er. Yeah, right,

Anyway. How are you?

What do you do?

I'm a policewoman.

Ah, so I don't need to have your number.

I call 999 and ask for you.

Trouble is no one knows who I am.

Are you undercover?

More than undercover. Invisible.

I feel like no one in the station notices me.

Like I was at school. The girl no one noticed.

What? You were gorgeous.

-And you still are. Sorry. -Don't worry.

I'm still really insecure.

You had a go at me for it when we were going out.

I had a go at you for being insecure?

And other things besides.

You wrote out a list.

-A list of what? -Yeah.

A list of my defects.

I still have it.

Look. I carry it around with me.

In fact, I sometimes check it to see if I've improved in some way.

But...

What can I say? I'm sorry. I was 14.

By the way, at 14, you loved food.

Do you still like it?

-Yes, it's my profession. -I know a place you'll love .

-Oh! -Well...

Or maybe not, I don't know.

Here?

This is one of your favourite restaurants?

The best pepperoni pizza in Madrid.

And so close to home. Order and I'll go get my dog

so he can do his business.

Yes, bu...

-Eh... go ahead, if you like. -No, please.

I'm going to my car...

to change. I don't want to spill food down my shirt.

You were expecting something else?

No, no, not at all. It's perfect.

It looks... I mean, that there

are things that look like food.

I can't believe

I'm enjoying this shit.

I can hardly believe I'm eating it, you know?

I'm glad you like it.

And that you're not angry with me, Pati,

but I have to ask your forgiveness.

Don't worry. We were kids.

No, no. For this as well.

I ask forgiveness for what I'm about to do.

I'm going to run away.

Why?

-Did I do something? Say something? -No, no. It's not about you.

I have to speak to my psychologist.

You are lovely, wonderful.

It's me. It's all my fault.

I'm sorry . I know you'll think I'm an asshole.

Don't worry. I've thought that for 27 years.

Oh!

You're great, really.

Rip up that shitty list I made.

-You didn't give it me back. -Shit...

Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry.

You're great.

I'm sorry, really. I'm so sorry.

-Excuse me. -Christ!

Let's eat.

Does your dog eat pizza?

Yes, well, I don't know. I just throw him stuff and he eats it.

The sweatshirt isn't bad.

I conquer women with the heart.

Because it's the largest organ.

I want to go home.

Okay, grab the pizzas and we'll go to yours.

Alone.

I mean you're nice enough, but...

I want to put it nicely but...

you make me cringe.

Sorry?

I can't do it with someone

who calls himeself Rickyelreydelnicky.

And if I wasn't Rickyelreydelnicky could you?

I'll never know. Because you're Rickyelreydelnicky.

One moment. Do you think you're better because you design dresses?

No, no. I don't think I'm better than you at all

but I love this shitty pizza and that's it.

I don't want artichokes however healthy they are.

What are you on about now?

I love this shitty food.

-And this shitty food loves me. -What's that got to do with me?

Well, I eat this junk because it's my favourite junk.

And other people can eat, elreydelnicky. But not me.

Stop comparing my t-shirts to this garbage food.

Excuse me, could you stop calling my food garbage?

-Can you listen now, please? -Yes, my apologies.

Congratulations for having eaten a kebab.

It's not a question of plaudits.

I'm eating a kebab and I like it.

You've only eaten half.

Because I wanted you to see. Do you get it?

Nacho was right.

I judge women as if I was judging food.

And I do it prematurely.

I don't wait for the surprise and, guess what? This kebab

is delicious.

In truth it's quite disgusting cold.

I think you don't like my jokes because you have no sense of humour.

Excuse me?

They're not your jokes, you stole them all.

Better still. Jokes everyone likes.

Because everyone likes jokes like this

Unless they're embittered, like you.

So if a girl doesn't like a guy

it's because she's embittered with no sense of humour.

That's about right.

Do you know why you shake the sugar before opening it?

-Why? -Because if not, this happens.

What the fuck are you doing?

I thought you'd find it funny, what with your sense of humour.

And if you were bitter, I've sweetened you up.

That's enough, doll!

You let him get away.

I didn't let him get away.

Ricky is not my type. Period.

I wasn't speaking about Ricky.

I was speaking about Substitute.

Oh shit!

I lost him.

What's this, Carla?

It's..

a thermometer.

Oh yeah? Cos you have a fever?

A temperature, yeah.

Try it again, to see how it's progressing.

Under the arm, no. Better in the mouth. More reliable.

Give. Are you going to be sick again? Are you pregnant?

You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes.

But how? Who is he?

I don't know who the father is.

Well, I know. But we were smashed and I don't remember his name.

Or anything else.

He was from Extremadura. Merida.

Ah, okay. If he was from Merida, that makes me feel better.

-Are you daft or what? -Leave me alone!

Didn't your father tell you to use a condom

or the morning-after pill? What were you thinking?

Look, sorry. Come here, forgive me. That's enough. It's okay.

We can speak to David. And sort it out.

Wait, wait.

We?

Who is we?

Sort what out?

You take it for granted that I'm not going to have it?

Sorry for supposing you're not going to want a child

with a drunk from Extremadura you'll never see again.

What are you on about?

You go around all day thinking about who to have a child with.

It's not the same, Carla.

Why isn't it the same?

Because you'll ruin your life this way.

And I'm 40.

41. Whatever.

I'm an adult who has lived a life. You haven't.

You're no adult.

You are old.

Think about it.

What's more natural? For me to have a kid at my age

or for you at yours?

Good afternoon, sir.

Christ, Pati. You frightened me!

Excuse me. You can call me officer.

Do you know the fine for throwing litter from a car?

C'mon, Pati, don't mess around.

Who'd have thought it. Now I have a list for you.

Bu...

The paper.

Christ.

Pati!

What the hell is this?

We have to give him a name.

We can go halves if he's going to stay here.

Here? Where? In my house?

I love it dad. When I'm born I'll have a dog.

-Are you feeding him my salmon? -It's delicious.

You only have posh food. Watch him eat.

Ha.

I found him in the street.

Poor thing, he didn't look very well fed.

Sorry. When he finishes, we'll abandon him at a petrol station.

If you mean Nacho, okay by me.

But the dog stays.

You really want to get rid of him?

Don't you feel sorry for him. That face.

Oh.

That face?

That face.

That face cost me 300 bucks.

The owner's going to flip.

Hi, good evening. I'm...

No matter, you don't know me.

My name's Javier and I have your dog.

Oh Javier! The way you say it makes you sound like a dog-napper.

I could do with you carrying out a rescue mission.

A rescue mission?

Wow.

What kind of rescue did you have in mind?

I don't know, your dog cost me a fine.

I should be compensated somehow.

Sure, sure.

I'm sure we'll find a way.

Your place or mine?

Sorry?

You have to give me my dog back, right?

Shall I come to pick him up or will you bring him to me?

I'll send you my address. I'm not a dog-napper,

but I'm not an Amazon delivery, driver either.

Okay, see you later.

Why did you put my number?

My dad knows mine

and if he sees it, he'll know I lost the dog.

You could have asked. Any old pervert could have phoned me.

That's why I'm not going. You go.

No. And I've prepared the way for you.

So you go. Finish the job.

Let's see what you find when you get there.

Are you really going to give it back?

It belongs to that girl.

But she doesn't feed it.

Not my dog. Not my problem.

So, that's it?

Are you really going to have a daughter?

By natural means I hope. If I'm adopted

I might die of hunger.

If it's not yours, no problem.

"I don't understand your plan".

How can you find a boyfriend if you reject them all outright?

You're right. But I'm not going blindly to that house.

You go and I swear that I'll try out the first cute guy I find.

C'mon.

¿Marta?

I can't believe it.

Won't you introduce me?

Sure. This is Mario, the bald guy. Remember?

Yes, well. I had a transplant.

Well, it looks amazing.

I'll leave you two alone.

One second.

You're leaving me alone with him?

If you want, we'll swap.

You choose. The bald guy or the dog-napper?

Substitute. Here.

Come here. Very good.

Very good. Hi.

Hi.

You must be Javier.

Well. Destiny has thrown us together again.

I don't believe in destiny.

Call it destiny, chance, call them little coincidences.

It's the same bar as last time. It's hardly a surprise.

I haven't been back for a month.

What do you say to that?

Just bad luck.

Perhaps that date would have been a failure.

If I hadn't made up that bald business you wouldn't remember me.

I don't like people who lie.

I'm going to tell you the truth.

I like you.

I like this energy you give off.

I'd love to take you to a magical place

-for dinner. -Magical?

C'mon.

Did you order another one?

Yes. Why?

No reason. No reason Perfect.

Great!

Fantastic!

By the way,

I'm Elisa.

Nice to meet you Javier.

Same to you.

Sorry, sorry.

What are you doing?

What's wrong?

I don't care if it's not mine, I'll love it just the same.

-Who? -Your baby.

I'm willing to take care of your child.

I think it's going to be a girl.

You're going to take care of my child?

Yes, you and me both, of course. The two of us.

Not as a couple or anything.

We can make up the family as we go along.

I thought about it. It's perfect.

You've thought about everything, and what about me?

Don't be daft. Listen. When you told me today,

I didn't understand. But without knowing it

you were asking me to take this step.

Christ, otherwise, why tell me?

I told you because you found the test kit.

No. This can't be pure chance.

I want a kid. It's an obsession.

Yes.

And suddenly you end up pregnant. As if by magic.

Yeah. By the holy ghost. Fucking miraculous.

I'm pregnant cos I was drunk out of my mind.

And perhaps I decided to, have this child.

But if I do, Javi, I'm going to do it alone.

I like you, but I don't want us to be a family.

And to be honest I don't think you want to either.

I lost it a bit didn't I?

Yes. A bit.

C'mon, let's go.

-Wait, I'm going to the bathroom -No, no.

I mean, there are bathrooms where we're going as well.

Yeah, but there's no hurry.

No. No. No hurry.

Hello.

Is that you?

No, I think you've made a mistake.

I'm Estefanía. You're Mario, right?

No. I mean, yes.

I'm Mario but it must another Mario cos I don't know her.

Yeah, yeah.

It's you! But you have hair!

How come you are bald on the dating site?

-Good evening. -Good evening.

Do you mind getting out of the, taxi, please?

Marta, listen to me.

Okay. Let's go.

Manzanares Street, 31.

Then drop this guy wherever he wants.

He's paying.

Okay.

Clamped. At this time? You kidding. Seriously?

-When I saw you... -I don't care who you're seeing.

But you're sick to pretend to be bald all your life.

It's not about baldness.

Look, this gentleman is bald.

Look at him. Completely bald.

Tell him. Tell him what you do.

Excuse me. There's a mix up.

What's wrong? Are you embarrassed? I'll tell him.

He pretends to be bald and ever so humble.

He thinks those without hair are an inferior race.

Not at all. He has enough trauma to deal with.

What trauma?

Hey, alopecia isn't an illness.

Sorry.

If you're not getting out, I'll get another taxi.

Wherever you can, please.

Perfect. Thanks.

What the fuck! You can get out. Out!

Is it free?

What?

Is it free.

-Who? -The taxi. Are you getting out?

Yeah, yeah. I'm getting out.

But it's not free.

I liked the look of him for you.

I mean, for me. I mean for the two of us.

Who? The fake bald guy?

The fake bald guy, no. The other one.

Which other one?

Oh!

Are we going home, dad?

No matter. I don't suppose you'll meet again.

Too much of a coincidence.

No?