Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- All in favor of making the flounder

the official town fish, say aye.

ALL: Aye.

- Nay.

I think the bullfrog should be the official town fish.

- George, bullfrogs are amphibians.

- Well, we can be flexible.

We made the flying squirrel the town bird.

- We're going with the flounder.

The other reason why we're here,

to celebrate the 216th anniversary

of the Stratford Inn.

Thank you.

And to help us celebrate this milestone,

I give you Dick Loudon, proprietor of same.

[ALL HOO-HOO]

- Speech! Speech!

- You don't want to hear that.

I've given the same speech for seven years in a row now.

- Aw, speech! Speech! Come on.

- Joanna and I

[ALL TOGETHER] would like to thank everyone

[ALL TOGETHER] for making us feel so at home here.

We really think...

we're going to like this little town.

- Last year, didn't it end with "Ich bin ein Berliner"?

- Plaque! Plaque!

- It's time to present the anniversary plaque.

- Dick, Chester, over here.

- Oh.

Jim, make a note.

No more paparazzi at these things.

- Look, i-is it just me

or--or do we seem to give these things out

at the--the drop of a hat?

- To most people, receiving a plaque is an honor.

Being awarded a plaque is as American as apple pie.

Do you want to destroy America, Dick?

- Well, not if, you know, you're going to get that upset.

- Thank you, Ed.

That was Ed Hillby,

owner of Ed Hillby's Plaques and Stuff.

Now, for the rest of today's anniversary celebrations

are as follows:

at three, we meet at the water fountain

that's six years young today.

At five, our Johnnycake Community Theater

will present Fiddler on the Roof,

and in a related matter,

we'll be observing the 131st anniversary

of Shalom Aleichem's birth.

- Mr. Tagadachi, would you like to come to the play?

There's still a few hundred seats left.

- Yeah, you'll like Fiddler, especially the song

"To Rife, To Rife, Rahiem."

[TOWNSPEOPLE BOO]

What? What...what?

- I was going to rent the video of The Ugly American,

but I would be honored to attend.

- Good.

- Well, that concludes the anniversary celebration.

I'll see you at the fountain at three.

- Before you go, I have a proposition.

I have only been a visitor in your town for a week,

but I have fallen in love with its beauty.

It reminds me of my peaceful little village in Japan.

[TOWNSPEOPLE "AW"]

Now, my proposition is this.

I'd like to buy your town and turn it into a golf course.

- The whole town?

- I'm talking big golf course.

- Oh, we're sorry but we love this little village of ours

too much to sell.

Most of us were born here, most of us will die here.

No, Mr. Tagadachi, this is one town you cannot buy.

[ALL CHATTERING]

- I'll give you one million dollars for each home.

- Bring on the freaking bulldozers.

- Hold it! Hold it!

What happened to--to loving our--our little village?

I mean, we've only been here eight years

and I wouldn't think of leaving.

- Oh, come on, Dick. This place is a hellhole.

- I will be by your homes later with contracts.

[EXCITED CONVERSATION]

Maybe if you're rucky, I'll bring you some rollipops

and ricorice and other things that begin with retter el.

- Hey, great.

This guy.

- Well, you know, I-I guess for people

who name the flying squirrel the town bird,

this is par for the course.

But I know we're not--we're not selling our inn.

- We're not?

- You are a man of pride. I respect that.

Okay, we build around you.

- Oh, hello guys.

- You say hello and we say goodbye.

We're out of this village of the darned.

We sold WPIV to Mr. T. and now we're rich, rich, rich.

- So I guess you won't be staying on as our maid.

- Oh right, then I could have the best of both worlds.

I could be a millionairess and clean toilets.

Well, I guess this is goodbye.

Goodbye.

- That's it?

No hug or anything?

- Well Joanna, it isn't proper for an employee

to hug her employer.

- We've known each other seven years.

We're more than just employee and employer.

We're friends.

- We are?

Well, you should have said something sooner.

I wouldn't have badmouthed you so much behind your back.

Goodbye Joanna.

- Bye, Stephanie.

- Goodbye Dick.

- Farewell, dear Loudons.

Pray, may I nuzzle your napes

that I might remember your scent?

- Seems like a reasonable request.

- Adios, my Jo-Jo.

- Goodbye, Michael.

- Adios, my Dick-Dick.

[MICHAEL CRYING LOUDLY]

- Michael, stop crying

or--or I'll cut your nuzzling time short.

- Nice cologne, Dick, very Vermont.

It smells like wet ski pants.

- I've come to say goodbye,

now that I'm rich, rich, rich.

- Would you, uh, would you like to smell us before you go?

- Okay.

- George, I didn't know you had property to sell.

- I bought a few acres years ago.

I was going to build Utleyland, an amusement park for handymen.

Then I sobered up and...

realized it was an idiotic idea.

- Sure is, not like Stephyland, the place I'll be building.

- I made a list of the things I do here at the inn.

You can give it to the new...

the new...handyman.

There, I said it, and I didn't die.

- Look, I-I'm not, you know, very good at goodbyes

but I'm really--really going to miss you guys.

- You hear that, Steph? He's begging us for a group hug.

- He sure is. - Oh, yes.

- That was so good.

Oh, come on, let's do it again.

- Okay.

- My comrades, I guess it's time for us to leave

our little village of Anatevka.

TOGETHER: ♪ Anatevka Anatevka ♪

♪ Underfed overworked Anatevka ♪

♪ Where else would Sabbath Be so sweet ♪

- What the hell is going on here?

- See Dick, in Fiddler on the Roof,

all the people who live in the little town of Anatevka

are forced to leave because the evil Tsar is--

oh heck, just enjoy the show.

- Yeah, it's not often you get to see

an all-millionaire production of it.

- I play Fiyedka, the Russian goy who marries Chava.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my other brother, Darryl.

We are going to Chicago, America.

We have an uncle there.

- Sometime maybe we'll meet on a happier occasion.

Meanwhile, we suffer.

Oy, how we suffer.

- May God bless and keep the Tsar,

far away from us.

- I'll work hard, Papa.

- You bring the groom, slender and pale.

- Well, I guess we're the whole town now, Golde.

- Oy vey, Tevye.

[LENNY PLAYS THE VIOLIN]

- Get out, Lenny.

- Ohayo, Tomadachi.

- Ohayo.

- Ohayo, sweetheart.

- Joanna, I'm going to tell you something

you may not be aware of.

You're not Japanese.

- Fore!

- I hate living on the 14th fairway.

- I think the sound of a golf ball against wood

is almost soothing.

- Lay off the sake, Joanna.

- Oh, thank you, Sedaka.

The smell of raw fish makes me drool.

- Ew, what a lovely image.

- This isn't breakfast. This is--this is bait.

Could you bring me some pancakes?

- No.

- Would you like to keep your job here?

- No, I'm just killing time until a decent job opens up

at the luxurious, 5,000-room

Tagadachi villa hotel and country club.

- [SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

- I hate when you badmouth me in Japanese.

- I think somebody got up on the wrong side of the futon.

- Waitress, could we have some more tea?

- No, I do not feel like brewing another pot.

- Brew the damn tea, Sedaka.

- [SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

- O-Ohayo, Sunatra.

- Ohayo, boss.

- You know, you don't have to be so formal around here.

Our last handyman didn't wear a suit and tie.

- Joanna, it's just Sunatra's way of saying

he's honored to--to be working for me.

- Honored?

I laugh.

I must always look presentable when I apply for work

at the luxurious 5,000-room Tagadachi

villa hotel and country club.

I go there three times a day,

hoping something, anything, will open up.

- [SPEAKS IN JAPANESE]

- There must be some work you will allow me to do

at your beautiful hotel.

Any chore I will deem an honor.

I will clean doggy deposit.

Anything to get out of this living hell.

- Sunatra, it may be five years

before doggy deposit custodial position opens up.

- Five years?

Another five years working for him?

- Sunatra, you must have patience and inner strength.

- You are right, Tagadachi.

- Ready for today's round of golf?

- I'm always ready for golf.

You know, my life really had no meaning

until you introduced me

to this passionate, stimulating sport.

- I knew I lost you the day you broke par.

- Honey, you'll never lose me.

- Fore!

- Look, I hate my life.

I-I made a mistake when--when I didn't sell you

the Stratford five years ago.

Couldn't--couldn't you buy it now?

- I will not hear of it.

It is more important that you maintain your pride.

You are to be respected.

- But I--

I don't...

- I don't want to be respected anymore.

I-I-I want out.

I'll even throw in Sedaka and--and Sunatra,

and--and our gardener, Frank, Jr.

Fore!

- I'm going to have Sunatra put up rubber siding.

- I'm back.

TOGETHER: And so are we.

- Oh, aren't you going to introduce us

to your lovely new wife?

- Well, I would if I had one, but this is my old wife.

She's--she's Japanese now.

- Joanna!

- Oh, we miss you.

Golly geisha, Tokyo Jo.

You sure are a Far East feast for these occidental orbs.

- How do you get your hair so stiff and black?

- It's a wig.

- It looks so real.

- Well, you, uh, you sure have grown.

I'm--I'm Dick.

I used to hold you when you were a-a little baby.

- Ew, sweaty hands.

- Isn't she precious?

- So, what are you three doing back here?

I thought you were living in Zurich.

- The whole town decided to meet here five years ago,

on this day,

to see if you and Joanna would still be alive.

- And are we?

- Hard to tell. Looks can be so darn deceiving.

- Hi, everybody.

- George, hi!

- Michael!

- No, it's baby Stephy.

Hi, Dick.

It's me, George Utley.

- Nice--nice to meet you.

- It's sure nice to see some things never change,

though I see you got a new wife.

- George, I'm his old wife, Joanna.

- It's a wig.

- Oh, it looks so real.

- So what have--what have you been doing with yourself?

- Ate a lot, gained 20 pounds, did SlimFast, lost 20 pounds.

Ate again, gained it all back.

Went to Arizona,

smoked a peace pipe with some neat Navajos.

After that, I didn't worry about my weight anymore.

- Hey! Look who's here!

- Chester!

- Oh Lord, preserve us.

- It's a wig, okay?

- And it looks so real.

- So, what's, uh, what's new with you four?

- Well, after my lovely wife ran off to Puerto Rico

with Officer Shifflett,

I moved to the Marina del Rey, California,

where Jim, Mr. Rusnak, and Miss Goddard

have a very spacious houseboat.

- Just a few slips down from Robert Goulet!

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my other brother, Darryl.

Allow me to introduce our better halves.

ALL: Hi.

- Let--let--let me guess: Mary, Carol and Carol.

- No! I'm Rhonda, this is my sister, Zada,

and my other sister, Zora.

TOGETHER: We're from Long Island.

- How did you six meet?

- Well, my brothers and I were--

- Let me tell him, hon.

You see, us three girls were in Atlantic City

playing Keno

when we see these three dreamboats

losing their shorts at the craps table.

So I say, "Zada, Zora, those three guys

are going to be our future hubbies, swear to God."

- So we start to mosey over to the dreamboats

when these lugs bump into us and knock us on our keisters.

- We were dripping in gin.

- Uh- uh, it was scotch. - You're both wrong.

As I live and breathe, it was amaretto.

- It was gin. I know what I stunk like.

[ARGUING]

[LOUDLY TOGETHER] Quiet!

- Your--your brothers can speak.

Why--why didn't they say anything up til now?

- I guess they've never been this PO'd before.

Here, go buy yourselves something pretty.

[SHOUTING AND CHATTERING]

- I never thought I'd hear myself saying this,

but, uh, I really--I really missed you guys.

- We missed you, Dick.

And our little town.

- Yeah, like fools, we thought money could buy us happiness.

ALL: True, true.

- And it has. ALL: True, true.

- We could never move back.

Our homes were leveled to create the luxurious 5,000-room

Tagadachi villa hotel and country club.

- They're booked years in advance.

- Oh, if only there was some place else in this town to stay.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Why not stay at the Stratford?

No one ever stays here.

ALL: True, true.

- Well, you know, I guess you could check in,

you know, for a night or two.

- A night or two? We'll stay forever.

- Wait. No, wait.

We don't--we don't have e-enough rooms for all of you

a-and your wives and your children.

- It's merely a matter of living arrangements.

We can work it out. We can work it out.

Only time will tell if I'm right or I'm wrong.

- As mayor emeritus,

I hereby declare an emergency town meeting

to be held at once in the sofa area of the Stratford

to discuss who will be bunking with whom.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

- If it's okay Chester,

I'd like to bunk with my wife and daughter.

I mean, my bunny burger and small fry.

- My brothers and I would like a room for ourselves

and a separate room for our wives,

preferably in a different town.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

- My septum happens to be badly deviated.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

- No one is listening to me.

I am really fed up with you coming in here

and taking over the inn.

Doesn't anyone hear what I'm saying?

- Oh, why don't we have communal baths,

the way we have in Japan?

ALL: Eww.

- Stephanie, you just haven't tried it.

- Look, I am getting out of here.

I don't know where I'm going, but I'm going.

I've got to get out of this madhouse.

- Fore! - You're all crazy.

Ah!

Honey.

Honey, wake up.

You--you won't believe the dream I just had.

Don't you want to hear about it?

- All right, Bob.

What is it?

- Well, I was an innkeeper

in this crazy little town in Vermont.

- I'm happy for you.

Goodnight.

- Nothing--nothing made sense in this place.

I mean, the--the maid was an heiress,

her--her husband talked in alliteration,

the handyman kept missing the--the point of things.

And then there were these three woodsmen, but...

o-only one of them talked.

- That settles it, no more Japanese food

before you go to bed.

- And I was married to this--this beautiful blonde.

- Go back to sleep.

- Goodnight, Evelyn.

- What do you mean, beautiful blonde?

- Go to sleep, Evelyn.

You know, you, uh, you really should wear more sweaters.

- Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

[♪♪♪]

- Quiet.