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1
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[♪♪♪]
2
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[WHISTLING]
3
00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,988
- Hi, George.
You're in good spirits today.
4
00:00:57,158 --> 00:01:00,092
- I just hung up a new birdhouse
in the elm tree.
5
00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:03,128
Soon Mr. and Mrs. Bluebird
will move in
6
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:06,631
and make that house a home.
7
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,100
- Well, I hate
to bring you down, George.
8
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:11,002
But I just saw two sparrows
eyeing that place.
9
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:13,472
- Sparrows?
Where's my shotgun?
10
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,274
- Relax, George.
I don't think they're moving in.
11
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:19,111
I think they're a couple of,
you know, lookie-loos.
12
00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:24,649
- Salaam, sultan and sultana.
13
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,087
My Joanna,
don't we look sheikh?
14
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:29,088
- Thank you, Michael.
15
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:31,957
I can never get
enough of your Arabic wit.
16
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:34,126
[BABY CRYING]
17
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,263
- There, there.
18
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:41,400
Little Stephy-wephy
was just hungry, wasn't oo?
19
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:42,968
- Nay-nay, Mommy dearest,
we agreed not to babble
20
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,804
in baby talk
like other parents.
21
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:46,972
Okay, Cupper-wuppers?
22
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:49,874
- Of course, Mikey-ikey.
23
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:52,043
- Dicky's getting sicky.
24
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,613
- Hello, hello.
- Stephanie!
25
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,548
- Stephanie, darling.
- Darling!
26
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:59,318
- Libby, darling.
27
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,186
Scooter, darling.
28
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,755
Oh! What a darling surprise.
29
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:06,458
- You're the one
who's full of surprises, pet.
30
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,360
We were jetting in from Berlin,
31
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:11,163
big bash at the Wall,
don't you know,
32
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:15,066
when Ken and Anastasia DuPont
told us of the blessed event.
33
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:17,802
Really, dear?
We never got an announcement.
34
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:21,640
- Funny, I thought I sent one
to everyone who mattered.
35
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:23,808
- Water under the yacht.
36
00:02:25,146 --> 00:02:26,278
Libby, you remember old Dick.
37
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:29,848
- Of course. Who could ever
forget dear Richard?
38
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:32,017
We met in New York
at that society thing
39
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:35,487
for one of those causes.
40
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,558
And this must be your--
41
00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:41,793
- Inn.
42
00:02:41,962 --> 00:02:44,095
We call it an inn.
43
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:47,599
And this is--this is Joanna.
We call it a wife.
44
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:48,634
- How do you do?
45
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:49,668
- Hello.
46
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,070
- My, what an unusual sweater.
47
00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:53,071
But I suppose
there's not a lot
48
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,775
to choose from up here,
is there?
49
00:02:56,943 --> 00:03:00,646
- My wardrobe has suffered so
since my loom broke down.
50
00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:04,183
- You must be the baby's father.
51
00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:08,353
- No. No.
Michael is the father.
52
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:12,391
At least that's what
Stephanie's led us to believe.
53
00:03:14,261 --> 00:03:15,827
- That's George,
the handyman.
54
00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:17,329
This is my Michael.
55
00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:19,231
- Howdy doody,
Lib and Scootie.
56
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,733
- Backwards banter,
how I love it.
57
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,569
- Jumping Gibralter,
what a rock.
58
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:25,204
- Isn't it huge though?
59
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,272
Did you happen
to notice my little bauble?
60
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,040
- Yes, and I'm so worried.
61
00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:30,809
I can't imagine
how you'll ever get it off
62
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,278
over those enormous knuckles.
63
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,683
- I don't plan
to take it off, sweetsie.
64
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,551
It's my wedding ring.
65
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:43,154
- Why Scooter, so you actually
married our Libby,
66
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,225
or should I say
the rowing team's Libby?
67
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,762
- This must be your baby.
68
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,332
She's just darling.
69
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,934
Too bad about her hair.
70
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,903
I'm sure she'll grow some
eventually.
71
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:00,839
- Well, let's hope
it'll be on her little head
72
00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:04,676
and not on her
chinny-chin-chin.
73
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,849
- By the way, you'd never know
it to look at me,
74
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:13,318
but Scooter and I have
had a baby too, haven't we?
75
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:16,388
- Well, you did
all the grunt work, precious.
76
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:19,324
[LAUGHING]
77
00:04:19,493 --> 00:04:22,160
- Now, now, where is
our little heiress, yes?
78
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,330
[WHISTLING]
79
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:36,107
- Her name is Tiffany.
Isn't she just perfect?
80
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:38,777
- Well, she's a little zaftig.
81
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:46,050
- George, I-I think Libby
w-was talking about th-the baby.
82
00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:52,291
- Oh, oh! I apologize
for that zaftig remark.
83
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:56,027
/
84
00:04:57,164 --> 00:04:59,831
- Richard and wife,
isn't Tiffy the most beautiful
85
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,200
little girl you've ever seen?
86
00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,202
- You're expected to say yes.
87
00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:05,537
- Yes.
88
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,572
Uh, no.
89
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:13,445
Well, uh, sh-she's certainly,
definitely on my top-two list.
90
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:14,946
- You're putting Tiffany
in the same league
91
00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:18,216
with that little bald girl?
92
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,320
- Well, thanks for stopping by.
93
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,721
- Oh no, we'll be staying,
old girl, yes,
94
00:05:22,889 --> 00:05:23,755
we'd like two rooms, please.
95
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,023
One for Libby,
myself, and child,
96
00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:27,225
and one for
Mrs. Butterworth.
97
00:05:27,394 --> 00:05:29,194
- Mrs. Butterworth?
98
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:34,466
I love your maple syrup.
99
00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,737
- I've never heard
that one before.
100
00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:41,940
- Come on Stephanie,
grab their bags
101
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:43,975
and we'll show them
to their room.
102
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,878
- Oh Scooter,
isn't this delicious?
103
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,648
Stephanie will be our own
personal slave girl.
104
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:50,982
[LAUGHING]
105
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,321
- Slave girl,
how dare she?
106
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,856
Michael,
carry their bags up.
107
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,658
- Yes, master.
108
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,465
[BABY GURGLES]
109
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,002
- Stephanie,
I had no idea
110
00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,938
you were so good
at menial tasks.
111
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,974
If you ever need a job,
Scooter could find you something
112
00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:18,677
in one of
our fast food restaurants.
113
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:22,614
Perhaps the position
at the drive-by window.
114
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:23,749
- Well thanks anyway,
115
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,284
but this is really
just kind of a hobby.
116
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:28,587
- Certainly seems
that way to me.
117
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:32,624
- Now be sure to treat
Mrs. Butterworth well.
118
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:35,226
She's used to having
excellent service at home.
119
00:06:35,396 --> 00:06:36,628
- Well, then she should
get back there
120
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,597
as soon as possible.
121
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,601
[BABY CRYING]
122
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,637
- Your baby is a fussy
little one, isn't she?
123
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:46,638
- Well,
maybe it's just the scent
124
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:49,408
of rancid perfume in the air.
125
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,143
- Steph, I hate
to eat it and beat it,
126
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:54,579
but I really should trot over
to the station for a tad.
127
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:57,348
- Michael is general manager
of WPIV.
128
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:59,250
And our little Stephy
owns the station.
129
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,719
- Really?
130
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:03,422
Our little Tiffany
doesn't need to work.
131
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,526
- Well, our Stephy
doesn't need to work either.
132
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:09,428
She just enjoys
the pleasure she gets
133
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:12,330
out of pushing people around.
134
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:17,769
I must admit your Tiffany
is pretty...considering.
135
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,441
- Cattiness looks so ugly
on you, Stephanie.
136
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,676
So, does most of her wardrobe.
137
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,778
But I understand your dilemma.
138
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:30,114
Your baby could never be
Tiffany's equal,
139
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:34,486
because her father
isn't a blueblood.
140
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,724
- Well! I may not be
officially blueblooded,
141
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,727
but I strongly believe
I'm as snobby as the next man.
142
00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,532
- Once a mongrel,
always a mongrel.
143
00:07:47,701 --> 00:07:48,967
Come along, Scooter.
144
00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:50,802
Dear George promised
we could watch him
145
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,403
fix something.
146
00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:55,474
- It's a shame we didn't bring
that damn cat of yours along.
147
00:07:57,377 --> 00:07:58,209
Care to join us,
dear Richard?
148
00:07:58,378 --> 00:08:00,745
George is bound
to be good for a yuk.
149
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:04,182
- I'm pretty much yukked up
for the day.
150
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:09,721
- Michael, do you think
that it's possible
151
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,624
that baby Steph
isn't as perfect as Tiffany?
152
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,559
- Because Tiffany was all quiet
on the Stratford front
153
00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,295
while little Stephy
was the kid on the River Cry?
154
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,264
- You can't compare babies.
155
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,834
They're both perfect
in their own ways.
156
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,302
- Leave it to Joanna
to try to soothe us
157
00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:26,905
with a sunny observation.
158
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:28,473
Okay, what ways?
159
00:08:28,642 --> 00:08:32,076
- Don't ask me, I might slip
and say something sunny.
160
00:08:37,083 --> 00:08:41,152
- Well, uh, you know,
Tiffany has, uh, you know,
161
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:45,924
lots of curly hair
and--and adorable dimples
162
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:48,459
and the longest eye-eyelashes.
163
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:55,199
And baby--baby Steph has
a-a-a chin.
164
00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:58,202
- Every baby has a chin.
165
00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:03,274
- Yeah,
but not that pronounced.
166
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,510
- Michael, Tiffany does have
bigger dimples.
167
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,478
- And gobs and gobs
of goldilocks.
168
00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:09,881
[BABY CRYING]
169
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:14,318
- Face it, Michael, our perfect
baby's bald and bitchy.
170
00:09:25,933 --> 00:09:29,034
- Noticing anything
nouveau about our babe in tow?
171
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,904
- Oh my, look at
all the hair she's grown
172
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,707
in the last two hours.
173
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:38,209
- Keep it under your hats, cats,
but those follicles are faux.
174
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:41,212
It's a tiny toupee.
175
00:09:41,347 --> 00:09:43,548
It's amazingly lifelike,
don't you think?
176
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:47,819
- It kind of reminds me
of a drooling Ted Koppel.
177
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:53,725
- See, I told you we should have
gone with the Deborah Norville.
178
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:56,828
- Oh, what's the use?
We can't even fool these fops.
179
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,831
It's not fair,
there is a flaw in my ointment.
180
00:10:01,534 --> 00:10:05,103
- Oh Michael,
we made a terrible mistake.
181
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,638
We married for love.
182
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,507
- Oh, stupid, stupid Cupid.
183
00:10:09,676 --> 00:10:11,576
- There's nothing wrong
with marrying for love.
184
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:12,911
Look at us.
185
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,614
- Oh, stupid, stupid Cupid.
186
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,517
- You realize what this means?
- Yes, Michael.
187
00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:20,551
- There's only
one thing left to do.
188
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,320
- Of course, Michael.
- Little Steph must never know.
189
00:10:22,489 --> 00:10:23,387
- I understand, Michael.
190
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,923
- Then it's agreed?
191
00:10:25,092 --> 00:10:27,659
- Absolutely, Michael.
192
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,194
- Would--would you mind
telling me
193
00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,796
what--what the hell
you're talking about?
194
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:33,698
- Open up your ears, Dick.
195
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:35,900
We're getting a divorce.
196
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,072
- Goodbye, Stephanie.
197
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,173
- Goodbye, Michael.
198
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,342
- Michael, Michael, freeze!
199
00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:46,911
- You don't have to be
so dramatic, Dick Olivier.
200
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,547
A simple "Wait a sec"
would have sufficed.
201
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:51,616
- What are you doing?
202
00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,151
- Don't you listen to us
when we're hysterical?
203
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,286
We're getting a divorce.
204
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:57,022
I'll try to find
a nice lawyer, Steph.
205
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:58,256
- I will too.
206
00:10:58,424 --> 00:10:59,524
- This is unbelievable.
207
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,093
- That we could find
two nice lawyers?
208
00:11:04,430 --> 00:11:05,596
Justice JoJo's right.
209
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:07,532
We'll settle out of court,
Cuppers. You take everything.
210
00:11:07,701 --> 00:11:08,800
- Oh Michael, I couldn't.
211
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,603
What would I do with all
your Family Circle magazines?
212
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,005
- Good point, pumpkin.
213
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,606
You take the cars,
furniture, stocks and bonds.
214
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,542
I'll take the mags and
we'll split the compact disks,
215
00:11:17,711 --> 00:11:19,010
Simon for you,
Garfunkel for me?
216
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,645
- Deal.
217
00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:25,516
Oh Michael, our marriage
is slip-sliding away.
218
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:28,519
- I guess now there are 51 ways
to leave your lover.
219
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,256
- Where will you be moving
so I can forward your mail?
220
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:33,457
- New York.
- Oh no!
221
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:34,625
Baby Steph and I
will be going there
222
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:37,896
to shop sometimes.
We don't want to run into you.
223
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:39,197
- How about Chicago?
- That'll be fine.
224
00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:42,133
Nobody shops in Chicago.
225
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:43,702
- Th-That cinches it.
226
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,804
A-Are you two o-out
of your minds?
227
00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:48,673
I mean, don't you want to see
your little girl grow up?
228
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:51,843
- Hm, that'd be nice.
Maybe Chicago's too far.
229
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,945
Is there a state
that borders Vermont?
230
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:58,917
- No. No,
we're surrounded by water.
231
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:00,384
- Then I'll rent a houseboat
off the coast of Vermont
232
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:03,188
and I'll get a job
at an offshore TV station.
233
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:07,058
Farewell,
my former wife.
234
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,292
I'd ask for
a lock of our baby's hair,
235
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:11,763
but thanks to my dorky DNA,
she doesn't have any.
236
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,471
- She's whimpering.
I guess, you know,
237
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,574
one of us
should say something.
238
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:26,344
- Well, you know me
and my sunny disposish.
239
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,881
I'd probably just make matters
worse by cheering her up.
240
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,685
- Stephanie, we, uh,
we n-need to talk.
241
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,587
- Oh, I know
what you're thinking,
242
00:12:36,757 --> 00:12:38,022
that even though
I'm incredibly attractive
243
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,859
as a single mother,
I'll never get a date.
244
00:12:42,528 --> 00:12:45,797
- No, that wasn't exactly what--
- Well, get this straight.
245
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,832
My eternal love for Michael
shall never die,
246
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:51,369
and I swear by all that's holy
that I shall never remarry.
247
00:12:51,537 --> 00:12:53,604
Why, do you know someone?
248
00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:57,942
- Look, I-I'm about to tell you
one of m-my long-winded stories.
249
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,945
Maybe you better sit down.
250
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,214
- Maybe I better lie down.
251
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:08,519
- Well, when--when I was--
when I was a-a boy,
252
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:13,224
I had--I had a problem
similar to yours.
253
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:14,926
I didn't, you know,
I didn't have a baby, of course,
254
00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:20,098
but I did have a, uh,
I had a guppy.
255
00:13:20,267 --> 00:13:24,202
See, Ethel was a-a purebred
and--and very beautiful.
256
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:26,070
- Like me?
257
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:28,606
- Scalier.
258
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:32,911
A-Anyway, Ethel was in love
with this other guppy, Maurice.
259
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:35,579
- Oh, a French guppy.
260
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:38,382
- Well, French Canadian.
261
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:42,787
Anyway, they had
lots and lots of--of babies.
262
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,755
All the other guppies
i-in the tank
263
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:47,892
used to laugh at
Ethel and Maurice's kids.
264
00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:50,295
- Why?
Did they wear funny hats?
265
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:55,900
- No. See, fish--fish
don't believe in sight gags.
266
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:01,072
- Dick,
is this story going anywhere?
267
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:03,274
- It--it must be.
268
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:04,642
Oh, I-I've got it.
269
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,845
Ethel and Maurice loved
their children so much,
270
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:10,815
they didn't care if they were
the laughingstock of the tank.
271
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:13,751
They loved each other
and they loved their babies,
272
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:19,858
so much so that they finally,
um...ate them.
273
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:24,662
- Eww.
274
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:30,969
But you know, Ethel and Maurice
are a lot like Michael and me.
275
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,437
- They--they are?
276
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:36,574
- Except for their names
and their diet.
277
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:40,879
It's amazing how you paralleled
the upheaval in a fish tank
278
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:43,714
to the turmoil
in my family life.
279
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:47,385
- Well, you know,
that's--that's what I do.
280
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,889
- And nobody does it better.
Thanks, Dick.
281
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,294
- I am good.
282
00:14:57,563 --> 00:15:02,566
Maybe I'll write
a book of fish fables.
283
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:07,638
Ethel would have
wanted it that way.
284
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:18,349
- And Ethel and Maurice
had lots and lots of kids,
285
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:21,986
or snacks
as they turned out to be.
286
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,022
- Egads, the cads!
287
00:15:24,190 --> 00:15:26,724
It is a fish-eat-fish world.
288
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:29,227
What's the drift
of this icky tale?
289
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,829
- Well, in his morbid,
long-winded way,
290
00:15:31,998 --> 00:15:32,830
Dick was trying to say
291
00:15:32,999 --> 00:15:36,700
that fish can be
good role models.
292
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:39,037
- They ate their children.
293
00:15:39,205 --> 00:15:40,604
I would never do
such a thing to baby Steph.
294
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:41,772
I mean, though on occasion
I may have said
295
00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:45,043
I'd like to eat her up,
I would never eat her up.
296
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:46,177
- Well, what's gotten into Dick?
297
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:49,247
He's losing touch with reality.
298
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:52,750
I only know
that I don't want you to go.
299
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:53,751
- I'm sorry Steph,
300
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:54,953
but for our sullied
seedling's sake,
301
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,855
this papa's got to be
a rolling stone.
302
00:15:58,024 --> 00:15:59,958
[BABY BABBLES]
303
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,896
- Did I just hear
my micro muffin call me Dada?
304
00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:08,433
- No Michael,
it was ga-ga.
305
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:09,667
- Oh.
306
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:13,237
[BABY BABBLES]
307
00:16:15,275 --> 00:16:19,143
- Michael, that time I think
she did say Dada.
308
00:16:19,279 --> 00:16:21,279
- Really?
- [BABY BABBLES]
309
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:23,247
- Yes, she's saying Dada.
310
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:26,250
- Mia bambina
sprechen ze me namen.
311
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,153
- She doesn't want you
to go either.
312
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,621
- Oh, double family whammy,
313
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,458
my mainspring and my offspring
want me to stay.
314
00:16:33,626 --> 00:16:36,361
- See, she doesn't care
about your stupid old blood!
315
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:38,762
- Oh Steph, you realize
what this means?
316
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:41,932
I can paste my head back
into the family photos.
317
00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:55,913
- Dick, could Scooter and Libby
be making fun of me?
318
00:16:56,082 --> 00:16:58,716
They seem to laugh
at everything I do.
319
00:16:58,885 --> 00:16:59,984
- Well, they're probably,
you know,
320
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,754
laughing with you, George,
not laughing at you.
321
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:06,590
- But I wasn't laughing.
322
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,893
- Then they're laughing at you.
323
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:10,461
- What were you doing, George?
324
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:14,165
- Well, I was putting up
a "No Sparrows Allowed" sign
325
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:17,768
in the new birdhouse,
and a dog came by
326
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,704
chasing a cat,
and knocked over the ladder.
327
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,206
I tried to grab onto a branch
328
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:25,510
but there was a beehive
attached to it.
329
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,478
The bees started stinging me
so I let go
330
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:30,248
and fell into a bramble bush.
331
00:17:35,321 --> 00:17:37,055
- Well, you don't look
any worse for wear.
332
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:39,323
- Oh, yeah?
Every inch of my body
333
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,559
is covered with bloody welts
and scratches.
334
00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,627
- You want to see?
- No.
335
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:45,263
No thank you.
336
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:47,098
I'm still trying to get over
the image of your body
337
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:50,435
after you were trampled
by that cow.
338
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:55,173
- Libby called me a rube.
339
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,741
What is that exactly?
340
00:17:57,877 --> 00:18:03,013
- George, it's a derogatory term
for a person from a small town.
341
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:09,019
- Well, I may be a hick
and I've been called bumpkin,
342
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,921
and once or twice I came running
343
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:13,824
when someone yelled
"Hey, yokel."
344
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:19,564
But it really galls me
when a la-dee-da snotnose
345
00:18:19,732 --> 00:18:22,666
labels George Utley a rube.
346
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:27,405
- Harken home, boys.
347
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:30,174
We come bearing nifty news.
348
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:33,644
- We've decided
to stay together.
349
00:18:33,813 --> 00:18:35,513
- So--so my story worked?
350
00:18:35,681 --> 00:18:37,215
- Gulping guppies, Dickers,
you should be filleted
351
00:18:37,383 --> 00:18:39,584
for that fish fable.
352
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:44,255
- It was baby Steph
who talked us into reconciling.
353
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,157
- Your five-month-old
spoke to you?
354
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:47,425
- Yeah, she said,
"Dada, whatever you do,
355
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,460
please don't go."
356
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:52,796
- Ah, there you are, George.
357
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:55,366
George, we were wondering
if you'd care to motor down
358
00:18:55,535 --> 00:18:57,435
to the Hamptons
for one of our functions.
359
00:18:57,604 --> 00:18:58,603
You'd be the guest of honor.
360
00:18:58,771 --> 00:18:59,870
- It'll be loads of fun.
361
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,473
We call it a roast.
362
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:03,441
- No, thank you.
363
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:05,643
Maybe when you come up again,
I could invite you
364
00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,411
to one of our functions.
365
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:10,748
We call it a tar and feather.
366
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:17,121
- Oh Scooter, what a darling
threesome they make,
367
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:20,724
just like
a little peasant family.
368
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,461
- Save your insults
for your servants, Libby.
369
00:19:23,630 --> 00:19:25,095
Michael may not be blueblooded,
370
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,265
but we're together
and we're happy.
371
00:19:27,433 --> 00:19:29,300
- That's what our two chefs
Christopher and Jeremy
372
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:31,469
keep telling us.
373
00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,740
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
374
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:38,876
- Hi, I'm Larry.
375
00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:39,877
This is my brother, Darryl,
376
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:42,880
and this is my other brother,
Darryl.
377
00:19:43,049 --> 00:19:44,282
- Larry.
378
00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:46,116
- Scoots.
379
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,123
- Lovely to see you again,
dear Lawrence.
380
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:54,992
I believe the last time
was at Leona's
381
00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:59,497
"I'm Just Wild About Harry
and Larry" bash.
382
00:19:59,666 --> 00:20:01,699
- That was some soiree.
383
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,701
We dropped by to offer
our congratulations
384
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,736
on the arrival of your heir.
385
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:10,140
And to see whether you require
our expert childcare services.
386
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,010
- Thank you, Lawrence,
but our little Tiffany
387
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:17,215
is upstairs in very capable,
albeit gnarled, hands.
388
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:18,649
- Well then,
we'll bid our adieux
389
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:21,085
and return
to our genetic experiments.
390
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:23,187
Darryl here is attempting
to cross a porcupine
391
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,722
with a pussycat.
392
00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:29,493
Alack, the offspring tend
to clean theirselves to death.
393
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:35,132
Oh Scooter, do say hello
to your mom for us.
394
00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:36,334
Our floors ain't been the same
395
00:20:36,502 --> 00:20:38,769
since she stopped
scrubbing them.
396
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,874
- Pardon?
397
00:20:44,043 --> 00:20:46,344
- Apparently, Scooter's humility
prevented him
398
00:20:46,512 --> 00:20:50,281
from bragging about his mother's
proficiency as a scrub woman.
399
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,318
- Your mother was a scrub woman?
400
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:55,786
- Well, before she met
my stepfather,
401
00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:56,920
we were a mite cash poor,
so she
402
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,723
- That's quite enough, Scooter.
403
00:20:58,891 --> 00:21:00,691
- No, it's not.
404
00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:03,827
- So, Scooter,
I guess this means
405
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:06,430
you're not
a full-blood blueblood.
406
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,766
- Well actually
strictly speaking...
407
00:21:09,902 --> 00:21:12,703
- I've never been
so humiliated in my life.
408
00:21:12,872 --> 00:21:15,906
- Well, hopefully you'll have
plenty of other chances.
409
00:21:17,810 --> 00:21:19,143
- Don't get so high
and mighty with me, pet,
410
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:20,478
lest you forget
your grandfather
411
00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:22,313
sold used pickup trucks
in Scranton.
412
00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:24,047
- They were not pickup trucks.
413
00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:26,950
They were recreational vehicles.
414
00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:31,522
- Oh, this is so delicious.
415
00:21:31,691 --> 00:21:33,190
- I'm going upstairs to pack.
416
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:35,025
Come along, Bernie.
417
00:21:35,194 --> 00:21:36,860
- Oh, well, we're going to start
using our real names
418
00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:38,296
are we now, Shirley?
419
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:40,498
[SCREAMING]
420
00:21:43,169 --> 00:21:44,602
- Keep a cot warm for me,
dear chum.
421
00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:47,305
I may be bunking in for a while.
422
00:21:48,775 --> 00:21:50,641
- It appears I have just
performed the function
423
00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:54,712
of deus ex machina
in this little drama.
424
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,014
In Greek theater,
the deus ex machina
425
00:21:57,183 --> 00:21:59,216
was raised and lowered on a rope
426
00:21:59,385 --> 00:22:02,687
while the chorus explained
the offstage action.
427
00:22:02,855 --> 00:22:07,090
Well, since our chorus
is relatively silent,
428
00:22:07,259 --> 00:22:10,594
and our rope is holding up
Darryl's pants,
429
00:22:10,763 --> 00:22:13,931
we'll settle for an exit
upstage center.
430
00:22:15,468 --> 00:22:18,469
[APPLAUSE]
431
00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:26,844
- Oh Michael, to think
we almost let Bernie and Shirley
432
00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:28,979
break up our happy home.
433
00:22:29,148 --> 00:22:31,014
- I'm reminded of the immortal
words of Toni Tennille
434
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:34,518
when she warbled, "Love,
love will keep us together."
435
00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,587
- Come, my captain,
let us celebrate with a bottle
436
00:22:36,756 --> 00:22:39,256
of Dick and Joanna's
finest champagne.
437
00:22:39,425 --> 00:22:42,860
- Or maybe Dick and Joanna's
finest tap water.
438
00:22:46,232 --> 00:22:48,232
[BABY TALKING]
439
00:22:49,402 --> 00:22:51,168
- Dick.
440
00:22:57,343 --> 00:23:02,713
- Dick! Baby Steph
called me Dick!
441
00:23:04,984 --> 00:23:07,050
I wonder what she wants.
442
00:23:14,594 --> 00:23:17,595
[♪♪♪]
443
00:23:43,489 --> 00:23:44,522
- Meow.
34304
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