All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E22

[♪♪♪]

- James Ponderelli?

- No.
- No.

- Robert Wandry?

- God, no.
- God, no.

- Oh, hi ho, Jo-bee, Dick-bee.

- Hi ho, Mike-bee, Steph-bee.

- I'll bee both.
- We bee fine.

- You early birds
looking for worms?

- Close.
Actors.

We're casting the titular role
in the new PIV super series.

Oh baby Steph and I
just acquired the rights

to a classic piece
of American literature.

- Here Comes Giddy Goose.

What a coincidence,
I did my college thesis

on the symbolism in this book.

"Here comes Giddy Goose.

"Giddy, Giddy Goose.

"Giddy, Giddy, Giddy Goose.

"There goes Giddy Goose."

That is some twist
at the end there.

- I just love that goose.

- See, he comes,
he's giddy, and then he goes.

Book's a powderkeg of
nonstop action and high drama.

- It practically
screams miniseries.

- My first thought too.

But Richard Chamberlain
was too pricey,

and Barry Bostwick
has just too much darn hair.

So, part's wide open.

- Sounds like
a nice Saturday morning

children's show.

- JoJo, this ain't
o Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I'm birthing
this bird on Sundays,

a lead-in for Vermont Today.

- Michael, I-I don't think
a goose show will attract

the same audience
as--as my talk show.

- Well, a little goosing
is just what your show needs.

- Meanwhile, could the casting
director take five minutes

and maybe
get us some breakfast?

- Just pray your eight-by-ten
glossy never crosses my desk.

- This is Regis Dramon.

- Oh, it is.

Remember when we saw his
Petruchio in the park?

- Good God,
I hope he was arrested.

- No, he was applauded.

They were doing
Taming of the Shrew

in Central Park.

- He is an actor's actor.

- Well, this chap may have
stammered some pentameter,

but can he portray
a barnyard animal?

- I think the man who captured
the madness of Richard the III

can somehow capture
the giddiness of a goose.

- Well okay,
I'll read him,

but a Tad Burrows he ain't.

What?
No gasps of recognition?

He may not have played
this Pinocchio you rave about,

but this actor's actor
has graced

every major dinner theater
in Arizona and Florida.

- See, we only go
to dinner theaters

in Colorado and--and Utah.

- Well, he did do
Owl and the Pussycat

with Donna Pescow.

- Well, then he has
aviary experience,

assuming he played the owl.

- Well, mock if you must,
but serious dinner theater goers

everywhere break into
wild applause

at the mere mention
of Tad Burrows.

- Oh, Tad Burrows!

Will you ever forget
his Barefoot in the Park

with Peggy Cass?

- He was masterful.

- And the roast beef
was exquisite.

Does Tad still have
a shot at Giddy?

- Well, he's my fave,
though Picky Dicky here

is pushing some Regis Dramon.

- Never heard of him.

Has he ever performed
opposite Donna Pescow?

- No, but he has played
opposite Glenda Jackson

and Vanessa Redgrave.

- Like, who's ever heard
of those broads?

- This resume reads
a little skimpy, Steve.

- Well, up 'til now,
I've been honing my craft,

first at Juilliard,
then at the Actor's Playhouse,

and for the last few years,
at the Royal Academy.

- Let's cut to the chase.

Have you played a goose?

- No.

But I did understudy
Thumper the Rabbit

in Disney on Ice.

- Impressive,
but a skating bunny

does not a giddy goose make.

Try the line, Stevie.

- "Hey, hey, hey, kids.
Here comes the next cartoon!"

- Too bunny-ish.

Honk for me, Stevie,
honk.

- Honk!

- You call that a honking goose?
- Well, I grew up in New York.

The best I can do
is a honking cab.

- Thank you.

- Honk!
- Hit the trail, Thumper.

- Be prepared
to humiliate yourself.

- I always am.

- I hope you're not here
to grovel

for the goose part,
Dick-bird.

- No, I'm not.
If you don't mind,

I-I'd like to sit in
during Regis's audition.

I mean, to think that
one of the world's greatest

living actors is sitting
right out there in the lobby.

- You want to send in
the next piece of meat?

- Oh, Mr.--Mr. Dramon,
I'm, uh, I'm Dick Loudon.

I think that you are so,
so, uh...good.

- You, sir,
are exceedingly perceptive.

- You're schmoozing
the wrong schmoe, Joe.

Cast your line
in this direction.

- "Hey, hey, hey kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk!"

- I keep asking myself,

are American kids really ready
for a limey honker?

I think not.

- Trust me, Regis, you're--

you're too good for this.

- How right you are,
but television pales

in comparison
to the grandeur of the theater.

I want to be Giddy!

I want to be Giddy!

- Send in the fabulous
Tad Burrows, por favor .

Now take a gander
at a real goose.

Hi.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm Michael Harris,
CEO and VP of PIV.

This is my little helper, Dick.

He...

he likes to watch.

- You must be some talent

to spearhead a media empire
at your age.

- Now this is what I call
schmoozing.

- Now Tad, re your resume,

I see you've had
one stellar career

in the chow and bow circuit,

which leads us
to the burning question.

- I know, "Can Tad Burrows
play a talking goose?"

- Tad, weave your spell on it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Hey, hey, hey, kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk honk!"

- Genius.
I mean, for a nanosecond,

I actually thought
there was a goose in this room.

- Well, better be careful
where we walk.

- Dickers, we found our Giddy.

Now all we have to do
is parade you past our prez.

- Oh, I love a parade.

Honk!

- Say Tad, right now,
our prezzy is knocking back

a bottle and
then has to take a nap.

- Oh, to be that rich.

- Actually, my six-month-old
spriglet owns the station.

But not to worry,
she'll do flippies over you.

[CHUCKLES]

- Honk!

- Honk!
- Honk, honk!

- Oh, come on, Dick,
honk with us.

[BOTH HONKING]

- Oh, that's incredible.

[BOTH HONKING]

- All done.

Finished your book yet?

- No.
See, honey,

Gore Vidal's
latest novel is about

800 pages longer
than Here Comes Giddy Goose.

- Did you know
Tad Burrows

played that
dancing distributor cap

in that sparkplug commercial?

- Oh, I guess versatility
is Tad's middle name.

- No, it's Jerome.

[LAUGHING]

- I guess now we have a better
idea of why vaudeville died.

- Evening, everyone.
- Hi!

- Or should I say,
"Honk, honk"?

Oh, I feel so much better
after my nap.

You know George,
the mattress reminded me

of my mother's mashed potatoes.

- You mean,
soft and fluffy?

- Nope, I mean,
hard and lumpy.

[LAUGHING]

- Hey Dick, vaudeville's
making a comeback.

[LAUGHING]

- Why don't the three of you
shuffle off to hell?

- Hi Michael,
Stephanie.

- Tad, allow me to introduce
my spouse and spawn.

Mother, goose, papoose.

Well, wing it,
Giddy-to-be.

- "Hey, hey, hey kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk, honk!"

[GURGLES]

- That gurgle guarantees it.

I hereby proclaim
that Tad Burrows is Giddy Goose.

- Would you like to hold
your new employer?

- I'd love to.

[GURGLES]

- Oh, I've never seen the baby
take to a stranger so.

- She usually spits up on Dick.

- One more thing, Dick-a-ding.

On this week's Vermont Today ,
you'll be introducing

our Giddy to the world.

- No, no I won't.

Gore Vidal
is my scheduled guest.

I've spent the whole week
reading his book,

his unbelievably long book.

- Well,
Stephanie made me veto Vidal

the second she found out
it wasn't Sassoon.

- Well, maybe if your Gore guy
knew something

about hot oil treatments.

[GURGLES]

- I believe that baby's cooing.

- You've been around
babies before.

- Weren't you the Papa Pimento
in that olive commercial?

- Oh no, that was Regis Dramon.

- Best damn pimento I ever saw.

- But I do have a son
named Michael.

- Michael Burrows,
that's a manly moniker.

- Oh no, you see,
Burrows is my stage name.

My real name is Harris.

- Hey, cool, your son and I
have the same name.

- Hello, son.

- This can't be true.

- I'm afraid it is, son.
- Stop calling me son.

This man's an imposter.
He's a wolf in goose clothing.

- Look, I'm not surprised
you didn't recognize me.

I mean, after all,
we haven't seen each other

in over 30 years.

- Michael, I'm confused.

I thought you said
your father was blown to bits

by the Red Baron
in a catfight over Germany.

- That's dogfight, kitten.

- I believe the Red Baron
was World War I.

You were born in the fifties.

- Th-That means your mother
would have been

in labor 35 years.

- Maybe I liked it in there.

- Look, I know this is a lot
for you to take in,

but I am your father
and I have proof.

You have a small birthmark
in the shape of a mandolin

on your left buttock.

[GASPS]

- He does?
- He sure does.

See, I was birdwatching
by Johnnycake Creek

last summer with a pair
of high-powered binoculars

and I just happened to see
Michael skinny dipping.

- Oh, my God, I was there too.

- And you don't have
a blemish on you.

Does she, Dick?

- I-I-I was busy watching
the--the woodpeckers.

- You know Michael,
there is a certain resemblance

between the two of you.

I mean, the hair,
the height, the honk.

- Well maybe, just maybe,

you could have sowed the seed
that sired me, sir.

But if you did, where were you
during my wonder years?

- Look, your mom and I were,
we were just married

with a newborn baby.

But I was an actor.
What could I do?

I was forced to travel
from town to town,

playin' bit parts in lousy
rat infested dinner theaters.

- Gosh, you make it sound
so glamorous.

- Whenever I could,
I'd send home a couple of bucks

and maybe
some leftover dinner rolls.

- That's right, there was never
much meat in the house,

but there were always
crumbs in the mailbox.

- And then I got my big break,
the lead in Life with Father

at the Aurora Borealis
dinner theater in Nome, Alaska.

Look, I was planning
to come back to you and your mom

after a four-week run, but well,
my reviews were so good,

I just couldn't leave.

And then we were extended...
another 15 years.

Well, those pipeline workers
really love good theater.

- Well, I'm sure
there's no place like Nome.

But while you were
the toast of the tundra,

Mom and I were eating
stale dinner rolls

made soggy by our tears.

[CRYING]

- Well, I don't know
about you fellows,

but I sure could go
for a nice tossed salad.

[CRYING]

- But we just had dinner.

- I'll put Bac-O-Bits on it.

- Why did God make me so weak?

- Michael.

- Save your breath,
Dick-ocrates.

I'm too upset for one of your
"Act mature"

and "Be forgiving"
speeches.

[CRYING]

- I was just going to say
your--your fly is open.

- Why did you have to come here

and shatter
our gingerbread lives?

You, you thespian.

- Look, I'm sorry.

I was only trying to put
the family back together again.

I saw your mom.
I spoke to her.

She told me
where to find you.

Then she told me
where to go.

- Aw, save the soft pedal.

You just wanted
the goose gig.

- Oh, stuff the goose.

I only came back to see you
and your daughter

and your knockout
of a charming wife.

- You know Michael, there's
something about this guy I like.

- Can't you ever find it
in your heart to forgive me?

- Look, as far as I'm concerned,
my father's body

was ripped apart
by enemy bullets

and eaten by German dingoes.

And I want to preserve
that beautiful memory.

- I see.

Oh well,
I'll just go pack my trunk

and head back to Nome.

They love me there,
you know.

- Michael,
say something.

- Wait.

Let's face it, you may have laid
an egg as a father,

but you're still
one hell of a goose.

- You mean,
you're not going to fire me?

- No, but I'm cutting
your salary in half

and giving you a very small
dressing room.

- I'll do you proud, son.

I mean, sir.

[CRYING]

- Like father, like son.

Glad I had a girl.

- Michael, I just saw Tad
coming out of the broom closet.

- You mean his dressing room.

It's only temporary,
just until Bud gets out

of the third stall.

- That could be a while.

He borrowed my Gore Vidal.

Michael, you know, there are
going to be kids watching.

Tad won't be going on about
his personal problems, will he?

- Oh relax, Dick.

The man's a pro.

What you'll be getting
is one big goose.

- Hi, Michael.

We just came by to see if
that goose still had you down.

- This is no time
for a fun pun, hon.

- In five, four, three, two...

- And now, it's Vermont Today ,
starring Dick Loudon.

- Hi, and welcome
to Vermont Today .

I'm your host,
Dick Loudon.

Today we have a special surprise
for all you Gore Vidal fans.

You can turn off your TV

and keep plowing
through his book,

because he's not here.

Instead, call the kids in
from outside

and get ready to meet
WPIV's newest star.

There's only one way
to introduce my next guest.

Here comes Giddy Goose.

- You want to wish me good luck,
son?

- I'm not your son,
I'm your boss

and you're my bird.

- Hey, hey, hey, Dick.

Thanks for having me
on your show.

Honk.

- My pleasure, Mr. Goose,
or should I call you Giddy?

- Whatever.

- You don't seem
too, you know, giddy.

- Well, I've been having some
personal problems, Dick.

- Look Giddy, I was assured that
you wouldn't be talking about--

- Well, you see,
I've got this son.

- Y-You mean--
you mean y-your gooselet?

- Right.

Anyway, he hates my guts.

See, I've just been getting
so involved in my own career,

flying most of my life from
one dinner theater to the next.

- You mean--
you mean bird sanctuaries.

- Yeah, that's right.

One week it was
Norman, Is That You?

Next week it was
Natalie Needs a Nightie.

Man, I sure played some toilets.

- You mean--
you mean birdbaths.

- Yeah, sure.

- Boy, I never knew
the Giddy character

had so much subtext.

- Oh, it's all there
in the book.

You just have to read
between the lines.

- I don't know,
I just began to hate myself.

I started chain smoking

and then I was downing
generic brand gin,

which did a real number
on my liver.

- You mean--
you mean your pâté.

- My life was one
stinking drinking hell.

- You might want to send
those kiddies back outside.

- You know, not a day went by
I didn't think of my wife,

my little gooselet.

Then I heard that he got married
and had his own gooselet.

All I wanted to do
was to see her.

Well, you can understand
why a goose would want to take

a gander
at his baby grand-goose.

- Well, sure, it's--
it's only--only human.

- So I came back home,

my tailfeathers
between my legs.

Oh Dick, why won't he
let me back into his nest?

Why?

Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

- So, wh-what kind of cartoons
w-will you be showing?

[CRYING]

- Holy analogies,
I get it.

It took the wisdom of a goose
to make me see

how much he loves me.

Oh Cuppy, Tad's my dad.

- Fly to him, Michael.

Fly to him.

- I forgive you,
my fine feathered father.

- Oh Michael,
I love you.

- I love you, Daddy.

[CRYING]

- I love you more.

[CRYING]

- If you, uh, if you want to see
more of Giddy

and his gaggle
of married gooselets,

tune in every Sunday
before Vermont Today .

This is Dick Loudon.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, what the hell.

- Hello.
- Hi, my name's Vernon Wilson .

- Wh-What can I do for you,
Vernon?

I'm estranged from my son too .

Did I mention
we're both chipmunks?

[CRYING]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.