Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- James Ponderelli?

- No. - No.

- Robert Wandry?

- God, no. - God, no.

- Oh, hi ho, Jo-bee, Dick-bee.

- Hi ho, Mike-bee, Steph-bee.

- I'll bee both. - We bee fine.

- You early birds looking for worms?

- Close. Actors.

We're casting the titular role in the new PIV super series.

Oh baby Steph and I just acquired the rights

to a classic piece of American literature.

- Here Comes Giddy Goose.

What a coincidence, I did my college thesis

on the symbolism in this book.

"Here comes Giddy Goose.

"Giddy, Giddy Goose.

"Giddy, Giddy, Giddy Goose.

"There goes Giddy Goose."

That is some twist at the end there.

- I just love that goose.

- See, he comes, he's giddy, and then he goes.

Book's a powderkeg of nonstop action and high drama.

- It practically screams miniseries.

- My first thought too.

But Richard Chamberlain was too pricey,

and Barry Bostwick has just too much darn hair.

So, part's wide open.

- Sounds like a nice Saturday morning

children's show.

- JoJo, this ain't o Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I'm birthing this bird on Sundays,

a lead-in for Vermont Today.

- Michael, I-I don't think a goose show will attract

the same audience as--as my talk show.

- Well, a little goosing is just what your show needs.

- Meanwhile, could the casting director take five minutes

and maybe get us some breakfast?

- Just pray your eight-by-ten glossy never crosses my desk.

- This is Regis Dramon.

- Oh, it is.

Remember when we saw his Petruchio in the park?

- Good God, I hope he was arrested.

- No, he was applauded.

They were doing Taming of the Shrew

in Central Park.

- He is an actor's actor.

- Well, this chap may have stammered some pentameter,

but can he portray a barnyard animal?

- I think the man who captured the madness of Richard the III

can somehow capture the giddiness of a goose.

- Well okay, I'll read him,

but a Tad Burrows he ain't.

What? No gasps of recognition?

He may not have played this Pinocchio you rave about,

but this actor's actor has graced

every major dinner theater in Arizona and Florida.

- See, we only go to dinner theaters

in Colorado and--and Utah.

- Well, he did do Owl and the Pussycat

with Donna Pescow.

- Well, then he has aviary experience,

assuming he played the owl.

- Well, mock if you must, but serious dinner theater goers

everywhere break into wild applause

at the mere mention of Tad Burrows.

- Oh, Tad Burrows!

Will you ever forget his Barefoot in the Park

with Peggy Cass?

- He was masterful.

- And the roast beef was exquisite.

Does Tad still have a shot at Giddy?

- Well, he's my fave, though Picky Dicky here

is pushing some Regis Dramon.

- Never heard of him.

Has he ever performed opposite Donna Pescow?

- No, but he has played opposite Glenda Jackson

and Vanessa Redgrave.

- Like, who's ever heard of those broads?

- This resume reads a little skimpy, Steve.

- Well, up 'til now, I've been honing my craft,

first at Juilliard, then at the Actor's Playhouse,

and for the last few years, at the Royal Academy.

- Let's cut to the chase.

Have you played a goose?

- No.

But I did understudy Thumper the Rabbit

in Disney on Ice.

- Impressive, but a skating bunny

does not a giddy goose make.

Try the line, Stevie.

- "Hey, hey, hey, kids. Here comes the next cartoon!"

- Too bunny-ish.

Honk for me, Stevie, honk.

- Honk!

- You call that a honking goose? - Well, I grew up in New York.

The best I can do is a honking cab.

- Thank you.

- Honk! - Hit the trail, Thumper.

- Be prepared to humiliate yourself.

- I always am.

- I hope you're not here to grovel

for the goose part, Dick-bird.

- No, I'm not. If you don't mind,

I-I'd like to sit in during Regis's audition.

I mean, to think that one of the world's greatest

living actors is sitting right out there in the lobby.

- You want to send in the next piece of meat?

- Oh, Mr.--Mr. Dramon, I'm, uh, I'm Dick Loudon.

I think that you are so, so, uh...good.

- You, sir, are exceedingly perceptive.

- You're schmoozing the wrong schmoe, Joe.

Cast your line in this direction.

- "Hey, hey, hey kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk!"

- I keep asking myself,

are American kids really ready for a limey honker?

I think not.

- Trust me, Regis, you're--

you're too good for this.

- How right you are, but television pales

in comparison to the grandeur of the theater.

I want to be Giddy!

I want to be Giddy!

- Send in the fabulous Tad Burrows, por favor .

Now take a gander at a real goose.

Hi.

[APPLAUSE]

I'm Michael Harris, CEO and VP of PIV.

This is my little helper, Dick.

He...

he likes to watch.

- You must be some talent

to spearhead a media empire at your age.

- Now this is what I call schmoozing.

- Now Tad, re your resume,

I see you've had one stellar career

in the chow and bow circuit,

which leads us to the burning question.

- I know, "Can Tad Burrows play a talking goose?"

- Tad, weave your spell on it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Hey, hey, hey, kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk honk!"

- Genius. I mean, for a nanosecond,

I actually thought there was a goose in this room.

- Well, better be careful where we walk.

- Dickers, we found our Giddy.

Now all we have to do is parade you past our prez.

- Oh, I love a parade.

Honk!

- Say Tad, right now, our prezzy is knocking back

a bottle and then has to take a nap.

- Oh, to be that rich.

- Actually, my six-month-old spriglet owns the station.

But not to worry, she'll do flippies over you.

[CHUCKLES]

- Honk!

- Honk! - Honk, honk!

- Oh, come on, Dick, honk with us.

[BOTH HONKING]

- Oh, that's incredible.

[BOTH HONKING]

- All done.

Finished your book yet?

- No. See, honey,

Gore Vidal's latest novel is about

800 pages longer than Here Comes Giddy Goose.

- Did you know Tad Burrows

played that dancing distributor cap

in that sparkplug commercial?

- Oh, I guess versatility is Tad's middle name.

- No, it's Jerome.

[LAUGHING]

- I guess now we have a better idea of why vaudeville died.

- Evening, everyone. - Hi!

- Or should I say, "Honk, honk"?

Oh, I feel so much better after my nap.

You know George, the mattress reminded me

of my mother's mashed potatoes.

- You mean, soft and fluffy?

- Nope, I mean, hard and lumpy.

[LAUGHING]

- Hey Dick, vaudeville's making a comeback.

[LAUGHING]

- Why don't the three of you shuffle off to hell?

- Hi Michael, Stephanie.

- Tad, allow me to introduce my spouse and spawn.

Mother, goose, papoose.

Well, wing it, Giddy-to-be.

- "Hey, hey, hey kids.

"Here comes the next cartoon.

"Honk, honk!"

[GURGLES]

- That gurgle guarantees it.

I hereby proclaim that Tad Burrows is Giddy Goose.

- Would you like to hold your new employer?

- I'd love to.

[GURGLES]

- Oh, I've never seen the baby take to a stranger so.

- She usually spits up on Dick.

- One more thing, Dick-a-ding.

On this week's Vermont Today , you'll be introducing

our Giddy to the world.

- No, no I won't.

Gore Vidal is my scheduled guest.

I've spent the whole week reading his book,

his unbelievably long book.

- Well, Stephanie made me veto Vidal

the second she found out it wasn't Sassoon.

- Well, maybe if your Gore guy knew something

about hot oil treatments.

[GURGLES]

- I believe that baby's cooing.

- You've been around babies before.

- Weren't you the Papa Pimento in that olive commercial?

- Oh no, that was Regis Dramon.

- Best damn pimento I ever saw.

- But I do have a son named Michael.

- Michael Burrows, that's a manly moniker.

- Oh no, you see, Burrows is my stage name.

My real name is Harris.

- Hey, cool, your son and I have the same name.

- Hello, son.

- This can't be true.

- I'm afraid it is, son. - Stop calling me son.

This man's an imposter. He's a wolf in goose clothing.

- Look, I'm not surprised you didn't recognize me.

I mean, after all, we haven't seen each other

in over 30 years.

- Michael, I'm confused.

I thought you said your father was blown to bits

by the Red Baron in a catfight over Germany.

- That's dogfight, kitten.

- I believe the Red Baron was World War I.

You were born in the fifties.

- Th-That means your mother would have been

in labor 35 years.

- Maybe I liked it in there.

- Look, I know this is a lot for you to take in,

but I am your father and I have proof.

You have a small birthmark in the shape of a mandolin

on your left buttock.

[GASPS]

- He does? - He sure does.

See, I was birdwatching by Johnnycake Creek

last summer with a pair of high-powered binoculars

and I just happened to see Michael skinny dipping.

- Oh, my God, I was there too.

- And you don't have a blemish on you.

Does she, Dick?

- I-I-I was busy watching the--the woodpeckers.

- You know Michael, there is a certain resemblance

between the two of you.

I mean, the hair, the height, the honk.

- Well maybe, just maybe,

you could have sowed the seed that sired me, sir.

But if you did, where were you during my wonder years?

- Look, your mom and I were, we were just married

with a newborn baby.

But I was an actor. What could I do?

I was forced to travel from town to town,

playin' bit parts in lousy rat infested dinner theaters.

- Gosh, you make it sound so glamorous.

- Whenever I could, I'd send home a couple of bucks

and maybe some leftover dinner rolls.

- That's right, there was never much meat in the house,

but there were always crumbs in the mailbox.

- And then I got my big break, the lead in Life with Father

at the Aurora Borealis dinner theater in Nome, Alaska.

Look, I was planning to come back to you and your mom

after a four-week run, but well, my reviews were so good,

I just couldn't leave.

And then we were extended... another 15 years.

Well, those pipeline workers really love good theater.

- Well, I'm sure there's no place like Nome.

But while you were the toast of the tundra,

Mom and I were eating stale dinner rolls

made soggy by our tears.

[CRYING]

- Well, I don't know about you fellows,

but I sure could go for a nice tossed salad.

[CRYING]

- But we just had dinner.

- I'll put Bac-O-Bits on it.

- Why did God make me so weak?

- Michael.

- Save your breath, Dick-ocrates.

I'm too upset for one of your "Act mature"

and "Be forgiving" speeches.

[CRYING]

- I was just going to say your--your fly is open.

- Why did you have to come here

and shatter our gingerbread lives?

You, you thespian.

- Look, I'm sorry.

I was only trying to put the family back together again.

I saw your mom. I spoke to her.

She told me where to find you.

Then she told me where to go.

- Aw, save the soft pedal.

You just wanted the goose gig.

- Oh, stuff the goose.

I only came back to see you and your daughter

and your knockout of a charming wife.

- You know Michael, there's something about this guy I like.

- Can't you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?

- Look, as far as I'm concerned, my father's body

was ripped apart by enemy bullets

and eaten by German dingoes.

And I want to preserve that beautiful memory.

- I see.

Oh well, I'll just go pack my trunk

and head back to Nome.

They love me there, you know.

- Michael, say something.

- Wait.

Let's face it, you may have laid an egg as a father,

but you're still one hell of a goose.

- You mean, you're not going to fire me?

- No, but I'm cutting your salary in half

and giving you a very small dressing room.

- I'll do you proud, son.

I mean, sir.

[CRYING]

- Like father, like son.

Glad I had a girl.

- Michael, I just saw Tad coming out of the broom closet.

- You mean his dressing room.

It's only temporary, just until Bud gets out

of the third stall.

- That could be a while.

He borrowed my Gore Vidal.

Michael, you know, there are going to be kids watching.

Tad won't be going on about his personal problems, will he?

- Oh relax, Dick.

The man's a pro.

What you'll be getting is one big goose.

- Hi, Michael.

We just came by to see if that goose still had you down.

- This is no time for a fun pun, hon.

- In five, four, three, two...

- And now, it's Vermont Today , starring Dick Loudon.

- Hi, and welcome to Vermont Today .

I'm your host, Dick Loudon.

Today we have a special surprise for all you Gore Vidal fans.

You can turn off your TV

and keep plowing through his book,

because he's not here.

Instead, call the kids in from outside

and get ready to meet WPIV's newest star.

There's only one way to introduce my next guest.

Here comes Giddy Goose.

- You want to wish me good luck, son?

- I'm not your son, I'm your boss

and you're my bird.

- Hey, hey, hey, Dick.

Thanks for having me on your show.

Honk.

- My pleasure, Mr. Goose, or should I call you Giddy?

- Whatever.

- You don't seem too, you know, giddy.

- Well, I've been having some personal problems, Dick.

- Look Giddy, I was assured that you wouldn't be talking about--

- Well, you see, I've got this son.

- Y-You mean-- you mean y-your gooselet?

- Right.

Anyway, he hates my guts.

See, I've just been getting so involved in my own career,

flying most of my life from one dinner theater to the next.

- You mean-- you mean bird sanctuaries.

- Yeah, that's right.

One week it was Norman, Is That You?

Next week it was Natalie Needs a Nightie.

Man, I sure played some toilets.

- You mean-- you mean birdbaths.

- Yeah, sure.

- Boy, I never knew the Giddy character

had so much subtext.

- Oh, it's all there in the book.

You just have to read between the lines.

- I don't know, I just began to hate myself.

I started chain smoking

and then I was downing generic brand gin,

which did a real number on my liver.

- You mean-- you mean your pâté.

- My life was one stinking drinking hell.

- You might want to send those kiddies back outside.

- You know, not a day went by I didn't think of my wife,

my little gooselet.

Then I heard that he got married and had his own gooselet.

All I wanted to do was to see her.

Well, you can understand why a goose would want to take

a gander at his baby grand-goose.

- Well, sure, it's-- it's only--only human.

- So I came back home,

my tailfeathers between my legs.

Oh Dick, why won't he let me back into his nest?

Why?

Why? Why?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

- So, wh-what kind of cartoons w-will you be showing?

[CRYING]

- Holy analogies, I get it.

It took the wisdom of a goose to make me see

how much he loves me.

Oh Cuppy, Tad's my dad.

- Fly to him, Michael.

Fly to him.

- I forgive you, my fine feathered father.

- Oh Michael, I love you.

- I love you, Daddy.

[CRYING]

- I love you more.

[CRYING]

- If you, uh, if you want to see more of Giddy

and his gaggle of married gooselets,

tune in every Sunday before Vermont Today .

This is Dick Loudon.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, what the hell.

- Hello. - Hi, my name's Vernon Wilson .

- Wh-What can I do for you, Vernon?

I'm estranged from my son too .

Did I mention we're both chipmunks?

[CRYING]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.