Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Sorry, Michael.

You landed on "lose a turn" again.

- Dratsy.

- Your--your spin, George.

The category is 19th century Russian literature.

- Finally, an easy one.

That last one about Norwegian sea chanties

from the 15th century was a killer.

- "Name the brothers in The Brothers Karamazov ."

- Ernest and Julio?

- No, that would be the Brothers Gallo.

- At this rate, I'll never get off the start square.

- Well, at least you have Joanna to keep you company.

- The fun's in the playing, not the winning.

- I'll have to remember that lame excuse

if I ever miss a question.

- Your spin, spouse.

Giddyup, girl, you landed on Kentucky Derby

winners of the 1920s.

- "Flying Ebony won the Derby in 1925.

"What--what color uniform did his jockey wear?"

- Ecru.

- That's right.

How did you know that?

- Well, Flying Ebony sounds like a black horse

and I know whenever I wear my black Valentino,

I like to accessorize with something ecru,

and I tend to believe most jockeys

have the same fashion sense I do.

- Okay. Fun facts about South Dakota.

- Okay, let's find South Dakota.

"What is the average annual precipitation

"in Huron, South Dakota?"

I already know the answer to that one.

I'm a--I'm a big fan of the Weather Channel.

- Good, honey. Okay, I'll take a guess.

Let's see,

20 inches.

- Right, like it's going to rain in round numbers.

- The a-answer, of course, is, uh, 18.66 inches.

Yep, right again.

I-I do know my weather.

- Oh, shut up, Dick.

- Phew, lose a turn.

At least I don't have to look stupid

like the rest of you guys.

- Itty bitty mammals.

- "What is the ittiest bittiest mammal in the world?"

- Oh, I don't know.

Emmanuel Lewis?

- I-I think it's the--the shrew,

but I'll just check to make sure.

Yeah, I'm right again.

- Where'd you learn that, the Mammal Channel?

- I hate this game. You have to think too hard.

- That's why it's called Big Bulging Brains.

- Whatever happened to all the simple old fashioned games?

Where did they go?

You didn't need big bulging brains

to play hopscotch.

- All you needed were big bulging feet.

- Well, those were the days.

There wasn't a girl around

who had the guts to challenge my swollen dogs.

- See Joanna, when a low-pressure front

runs into a high-pressure front,

you get what's called precipitation.

Now let me--

let me show you how God makes wind.

- Great, I married Mr. Wizard.

- Don't mind us. Just passing through.

Keep your seats. Just passing through.

- I see you've been marketing in our kitchen.

- Well, the weather was too yucky to go to the store,

so we just took a few items from your fridge.

- But only staples, you know, milk, soft drinks, eggs,

an eight-pound honey glazed ham.

- I-In other words, you're robbing us blind.

- If we were stealing, we wouldn't be doing it

right under your noses, would we?

- So--so it's more like--like borrowing?

- No.

- You see, borrowing implies returning

and that's not likely.

- Oh, I went to the trouble of jotting down a few things

you've run out of.

- Oh, I had no idea we'd gone through all the baby food.

- Yeah, th-that's my fault, Joanna.

I went on another one of my strained carrot binges.

- Tooty fruity oh, rooty, we forgot the tofu-dy.

- I'll get it. - Let me help.

And while we're in the kitchen I'll teach you

how to play grocery shopping in reverse.

- Remember how upset I was

that time we played Big Bulging Brains?

- Vaguely, you mean about an hour and a half ago?

- Well, I've just invented a brand-new board game.

I'm calling it Handyman.

See, each square is a chore I do here at the inn.

- And you play with--with wingnuts?

- I was going to use old nails,

but I was afraid the players might get tetanus.

First, you roll the die and move like this.

- "Fix water heater, get nine points."

- "Put up storm windows, get nine points."

"Take down storm windows, get nine points."

"Paint Dick's study without dripping on him,

"get nine points."

- I'm sensing a-a trend here.

- Why nine points?

- Like I'd paint a whole study for four points?

Anyway, you keep going around and around

and around the board,

thousands and thousands of times.

- Until you get dizzy and vomit.

- No, until you get to one million points.

- And--and then?

- You put the game away.

I figured we could play Handyman around the inn,

you know, to escape that daily drudgery.

- Around the inn? Try around the world.

Georgie-es-fog, this game is breathtakingly beautiful

in its simplicity.

- It's simple all right.

- I've got this game's game plan all mapped out.

Step one, we go local.

Two, national.

Step three, we buy me a really big house.

Step four, we go international

and before you can say Milton Bradley,

you'll be jetsetting in your own Lear, dear,

nibbling at the napes of six-foot bronzed showgirls.

- Hear that, Dick? I'll be nibbling showgirls!

- Well, it--it seems to follow.

- Come on, partner. Let's toddle off to Toy Town

and demo Handyman,

the new feel-good game of the decade.

- Coming, Dick? - Of course he's coming.

Now, while George and I are schmoozing with the manager,

you and Little Papoosey will innocently wander over,

spot the game, and gush your brains out.

kvell like you've never kvelled before.

- Find yourself another kveller.

I'm not going to be your shill.

- Don't you care if I sell my game, get famous,

and find the happiness that's eluded me

my whole pathetic life?

- You--you really want those showgirls,

don't you George?

- Oh God, yes.

- All right, I'll kvell.

- Go browse. When I cough, that's your cue.

- What a waste of time.

I could be watching the--the Weather Channel.

- Good day, good fellow.

We'd-- we'd like a mo with Mom.

- You're looking at him.

- You're Mom?

- Yeah, it's a franchise.

I think the name creates a warm, friendly atmosphere.

Hey kid, you touch them, I break your fingers.

- Mom, my main man, I'm Michael Harris.

You're George Utley there, creator of Handyman,

the brilliant new board game

that's guaranteed to amuse the masses

while amassing you moolah.

George, show Mom your wingnuts.

- Yeah, they're nice enough nuts, but will they sell?

- Well, let's ask an amazingly average consumer and find out.

- I'm an average consumer.

I have two children, a sheep dog,

and a Jeep Cherokee.

Oh, and my husband and I make love once a week,

right after Dallas.

- The average consumer has 2.5 children.

Come back when you're pregnant.

Well, here's an amazingly average man

out toy shopping with his child.

What is your name, sir?

- Dick.

- Well, what an amazingly average name,

with an amazingly above average child.

- Great, when you consider

how amazingly below average the father is.

- So, what do you think of these fancy nuts?

- They're breathtakingly beautiful in their simplicity.

Isn't there a game board

that's supposed to go with these fine nuts?

- Uh--oh, right. Rick, is it?

- Dick!

- See, I call it Handyman and you roll the die

and move your nut and go around and around,

thousands and thousands of times

until you reach a million.

- Don't you want to buy this revolutionary product?

- Oh yeah, I forgot.

How much?

- Twenty bucks.

- For some wingnuts and a piece of cardboard?

- All right, 18.

- It comes with a little pencil.

- Well, you know, if it comes with a little pencil.

- Oh, and I noticed your adorable daughter

eyeing this earlier.

- That's my granddaughter.

Why don't we let her father buy it for her?

- That Handyman game looks wonderful.

I'd like to buy one for my average little son.

- Sorry, I just sold the last one.

Come back tomorrow, I'll have plenty more.

- Right, Utley? - Right, Mom.

- Heavens be praised, Handymania has hit.

- You forgot my change.

- Mom don't give change.

Grab some clay.

- Dick don't want clay.

- Then Dick get nothing.

Hey, you took too much clay.

Hey, you [indistinct] get back here

or I'll call the cops.

- "Remove dead mouse from trap behind front desk,

"nine points."

- Looks like you've got about 18 points back here, George.

- I'll get to them, Dick.

Mom sold out my first set of games in an hour

and wants 50 more ASAP.

Wow, this road to fame

is not all bright lights and bronzed showgirls.

- I hear you, George.

My--my road to fame was pretty bumpy too.

- What fame?

People don't really buy your books,

and most of your Vermont Today audience is shut-ins.

- Well, I've worked hard to corner

the shut-in market, George.

- You're sounding a little pathetic, Dick.

Tell you what, you can live vicariously through me.

- Thanks, George.

- There he is, Jim, the genius behind Handyman.

Hate to intrude, George,

but will you autograph our Handyman board?

- Wow, my first board signing. What should I say, Dick?

- How about, "There's a sucker born every minute"?

- Pay him no heed, George.

He's just jealous of your newfound celebrity.

- Doesn't it eat away at you

that you live vicariously through George?

- What do you want me to do, live vicariously through you?

- No, Chester lives vicariously through me.

- And I enjoy it thoroughly.

- Come on, Chester, let's set up the board and start in.

- You're playing here?

- Where better?

This way when we have to re-varnish the banister,

all we have to do is lift our heads

and gaze upon the real thing.

- Good day.

We're the world weary Stupaks, Dr. Charles and Dr. Lydia.

- Well, I'm the Vermont weary Loudon, Mr. Dick.

- Did he just borrow your quip, Charles?

- Simple mimicry, dearest.

Monkey see, monkey do.

- Well, what can this monkey do for you?

- We'd like your most tranquil room,

far from the general hubbub.

- Well, all--all our rooms are without hubbub, bub.

- "Refinish bookcase, get nine points."

- What's all the hubbub, bubs?

- We're playing Handyman,

the feel-good game of the decade.

- How amusing.

Where does one purchase one of these mindless diversions?

- From the mindless one himself.

- Gee, Mom is supposed to sell these for me.

- Well, here's 50 dollars.

Go buy the old dowager a shawl.

- Oh, thanks. He'll love it.

- Look, Dick.

I bought the last Handyman game Mom had in stock.

- Why--why didn't you buy it from George?

- Oho! George doesn't give clay as change.

- Oh, have you met the world weary Stupaks?

- Oh, hello.

- How do?

- Oh, I see you're caught up in the Handyman craze too.

- It's the perfect remedy for our urban angst.

- Stop babbling, Lydia. Roll the die.

- All right, fork it over, woman.

- Fork over what, Mr. Rusnak?

- Mom was holding the last Handyman game for me.

I have the raincheck to prove it.

- There must be some mistake.

Why don't we discuss it over a game?

- Okay, but I go first.

- Why?

- Because I'm the man.

[ALL COUNTING WHILE PLAYING]

- So, how's--how's--how's everything going?

- Shh!

- Sorry. Far be it for me to be rude

to a room full of uninvited guests.

- Dick, do you mind?

- Stephanie, don't you think you'd find that game

more challenging, you know, if you had an opponent?

- And have somebody else's grubby little fingers

touching my die?

[TOGETHER] Ew.

- "Clean gutter, nine points."

"Repair furnace, nine points."

"Fix faucet, nine points."

Get lost, Dick, nine points.

"Replace windowpane."

- Mr. Rusnak, I got a nine, not a zero.

- It's a nine with a conservative loop.

- Maybe I should keep score.

- Woman can't add. They can only multiply.

[CHUCKLES]

- Ah, aha, ahahaha...

- What kind of a crack is that?

- Oh, I didn't--I didn't see you guys come in.

- Hi!

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERS]

I'm Larry. This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my other brother, Darryl.

[APPLAUSE]

- The boys seem pretty engrossed i-in their game o-of Handyman.

- Their competitiveness harkens back to their prep school days.

After one particularly fierce game of cricket,

they went an entire trimester

without so much as saying a word to each other.

- They're usually so--so damn chatty, you know?

- Darryl, stop waving that mouse carcass in your brother's face.

I better get back to my scorekeeping duties.

Maybe soon they'll break their zero-to-zero tie.

- Guys, i-it might help, you know, if you rolled the die

instead of that--that lump of clay.

- Jim, why do you have to press down so hard?

If you break that pencil,

Mom said we have to buy a whole new game.

- Couldn't we just buy a new pencil and not tell Mom?

- Dick, you didn't hear that.

And here's a little something

to make sure that mouth of yours stays shut.

- Well, I've never been plied with clay before.

- Dick, take a minute and look around.

What do you see?

- I see idiots, George.

- Holy house of games,

this hotel's a hotbed of Handymania.

- How'd it go with that game manufacturer in New York?

- Toy-riffic.

- What did they love the most? Its beauty or its simplicity?

- Well, the chiefs are still powwowing on that as we speak,

but listen up.

They want 20,000 games produced pronto, Tonto.

- Twenty thousand? Hear that, Dick?

Handymania is going to sweep the nation.

- This means goodbye.

- No, don't worry, Dick.

No matter how big my toy empire gets,

I'll be in touch with you every day,

car phone to car phone.

- George, I-I don't have a car phone.

- Then I guess this is goodbye.

- A million points.

I got Handyman.

I got Handyman.

[APPLAUSE]

- Hold on.

Hold on there, Chester.

On examining your score more closely,

it seems you got a million and eight.

- What?

- Well, I'll re-add, nine and nine are 18.

- It just occurred to me,

one million is not divisible by nine.

This game is flawed.

- Fatally flawed.

- What a stupid, stupid game.

- I feel so used.

- W-Wait a minute, this is ridiculous.

I mean, i-if this is so upsetting to all of you,

then the one w-who gets to a million and eight wins.

- You can't change the rules on a whim, Dick.

It's clearly stated on the board,

the first handy guy or handy gal

who gets a million wins.

- That's the rule. I wrote it myself.

- This game is a sham.

- And a travesty.

- I've never been so upset.

- And if I had my thesaurus, I'd really nail you to the wall.

- Come, Charles.

- A-Aren't you going to check in?

- [CHUCKLING] We'd rather check out, little man.

- I-I prefer "little monkey man"!

- And to think, I literally kissed the ground you walked on.

- My brothers would stick their tongues out at you in derision,

but their mouths are filled with clay.

- You blew it, toy man.

I was going to name my next child Wingnut.

- I pin my hopes on the Utley star

and then I hear you can't do long division.

- Keep the change.

- Ah, ch-cheer up, George. I mean, y-you did have,

you know, your 15 minutes of fame.

- Oh, what good is fame if you can't share it

with a six-foot-tall bronzed showgirl?

- Y-You got me there.

- Hey, Dick?

- Yeah, George?

- Remember when I was the guy who invented a game

that had the whole town buzzing?

- You know, it seems like only seconds ago.

- Well, look at me now.

I'm a broken shell of a man

with nothing but just a lump of clay.

- Well, now you've got two, George.

- You think this is enough to get me a showgirl?

- No, but you could start building one.

- Hey.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.