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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:04,169 [♪♪♪] 2 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,923 - What--what are you doing up there, George? 3 00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:00,559 - Watching the snow fall. 4 00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,195 If it keeps piling up like this, 5 00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,697 it's going to engulf the inn. 6 00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:08,367 And we'll be trapped in here. 7 00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:10,869 And we won't have any food, 8 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:14,406 and we'll start eating each other's flesh to survive. 9 00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:18,043 - George, the basement i-is full o-of canned goods. 10 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:22,614 - Dick, that stuff is loaded with sodium. 11 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,383 - George, w-winter will be over soon. 12 00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:27,286 You just have a-a mild case of cabin fever. 13 00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:28,320 - Yeah? 14 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:30,556 That's what Shelley Duvall said to Jack Nicholson 15 00:01:30,724 --> 00:01:32,657 in The Shining , 16 00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:37,096 right before he buried an axe in Scatman Crothers's chest. 17 00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:43,935 - Okay Dick, I made up those five silly rooms 18 00:01:44,105 --> 00:01:47,139 for those five silly guests you're expecting. 19 00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:50,008 - And did you clean up their five silly bathrooms? 20 00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:52,043 - Well, all except the one at the end of the hall. 21 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:55,847 It has a defective mirror, makes me look pouty. 22 00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:59,251 - Life's a bitch, and then you die. 23 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,389 - Couldn't we just cram these guys into one room 24 00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,858 and charge them for five? 25 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:08,760 - You know, m-maybe you should be the innkeeper 26 00:02:08,929 --> 00:02:10,195 and--and I should be the maid. 27 00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,763 - Oh, no, thanks. 28 00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,132 People in sedentary jobs 29 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:16,568 tend to get those repulsive cellulite deposits. 30 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:20,506 - Wh-Why do you think I wear slacks? 31 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:24,510 Did you put mints on their pillows yet? 32 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:25,544 [SIGHS] 33 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,947 - You just love sucking the lifeblood out of me, don't you? 34 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,553 - Hi, w-welcome to the Stratford. 35 00:02:34,721 --> 00:02:38,690 I-I'm Dick Loudon. You must be the party of five? 36 00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:41,026 - Are we that obvious? 37 00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:42,861 - Well, when you work behind the front desk 38 00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:43,895 as--as long as I have, 39 00:02:44,064 --> 00:02:47,166 you, you know, you develop a-a keen eye. 40 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:50,569 - And repulsive cellulite deposits. 41 00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:54,973 - Boy, Vermont sure is beautiful in the winter. 42 00:02:55,142 --> 00:02:57,576 - It's bitter, it's bleak, 43 00:02:57,744 --> 00:03:02,281 it turns you into a frozen zombie. 44 00:03:02,449 --> 00:03:06,718 - Th-That's George Utley, he's our--our social director. 45 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:09,821 - We thought after we settle in, we'd like to grab a bite. 46 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,290 Can you suggest a good restaurant? 47 00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:14,859 - There's a bunch of them in New York. 48 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,662 - Yeah, but, you know, if you don't feel like driving 49 00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:18,197 300 miles in a--in a blizzard, 50 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:22,033 th-there's The Lusty Buccaneer out on Route 14. 51 00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:26,605 The waitresses wear hot pants and eye patches. 52 00:03:26,773 --> 00:03:28,507 - That doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant 53 00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,075 a priest would frequent. 54 00:03:30,244 --> 00:03:33,845 - Well, maybe not, but you guys should have a-a hell of a time. 55 00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:39,984 You, uh, you--you mean you--you men are all... 56 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:48,260 A-Are you guys, fellows, holy men, h-here to open a winery? 57 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,031 - No, we're on retreat. 58 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,833 - Occasionally, we're able to get away 59 00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:58,136 to do some self-examination, meditate, 60 00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:02,040 and God willing, raise a little heck. 61 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:09,581 - All right, let's lay some ground rules. 62 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,016 There will be no roughhousing in the rooms, 63 00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:13,619 no all-night beer parties, 64 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,388 and if I find one cigarette burn in the carpet, 65 00:04:16,557 --> 00:04:17,623 Dick, I'll have you booted out of here. 66 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,125 - Clear? - Yes, ma'am. 67 00:04:30,271 --> 00:04:34,038 - Dick, these guys are real loonies. 68 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:37,609 I just saw them praying to their pancakes. 69 00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:40,545 - Stephanie, they were saying grace. 70 00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:42,614 - Do people still do that? 71 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,182 - Yeah, th-there's still some loonies around 72 00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:49,521 who thank God for their daily bread, or flapjacks. 73 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:50,889 - I wouldn't know. 74 00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:54,726 A Vanderkellen never has to pray for anything. 75 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:56,127 - Excuse me, miss. 76 00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:57,896 Could we trouble you for some more coffee? 77 00:04:58,064 --> 00:05:00,465 - All right. 78 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,767 But forget about the grace. 79 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:05,470 I already blessed the pot in the kitchen. 80 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,439 - Would it be a bother to ask for some decaf? 81 00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,207 - Yes. 82 00:05:11,679 --> 00:05:13,478 All right. 83 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,584 Here's your decaf. 84 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:28,159 - Dick, isn't it time to tell Stephanie they're priests? 85 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:30,429 - Joanna, let me enjoy this a little while longer? 86 00:05:30,597 --> 00:05:34,366 I mean, there's so little in my life that makes me smile. 87 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:41,172 - So, Lou at the gas station was right. 88 00:05:41,342 --> 00:05:45,344 You are harboring five eligible bachelors. 89 00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:50,582 - Miss Goddard, I don't know how eligible they are. 90 00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,952 - Then I guess it's up to me to find out. 91 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,687 - Dick, tell her. 92 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:59,090 - Not--not yet. I'm smiling. 93 00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:01,493 - Hello, boys. 94 00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:03,228 - Hi. 95 00:06:03,397 --> 00:06:08,066 - I'm Prudence Goddard, the town librarian. 96 00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:13,705 I'm also the unofficial welcome wagon, so to speak. 97 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,039 - Friendly town. 98 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,575 - Avert your eyes, John. 99 00:06:16,744 --> 00:06:20,311 I've seen her type before, a hotbed of sin. 100 00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:24,516 - What do they call you, fella? 101 00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,218 - Ken. 102 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:31,189 Miss Goddard, we're all men of the cloth. 103 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:33,759 - And I'm a woman of the sheets. 104 00:06:37,163 --> 00:06:45,904 - Miss--Miss Goddard, o-our guests are--are priests. 105 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,338 - Priests? 106 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:51,543 Oh, this is so embarrassing. 107 00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:57,949 Oh, how could I be-- 108 00:06:58,084 --> 00:07:00,685 Are any of you drifting from the calling? 109 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:04,155 - Certainly not. 110 00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,324 - I see. 111 00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:08,326 Well, I'm sure the church appreciates 112 00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:10,995 the sacrifice you're making. 113 00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:14,599 What a shame. 114 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:19,037 I was prepared to show you a whole new kind of heaven. 115 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,044 - Morning, George. Sleep well? 116 00:07:26,212 --> 00:07:29,948 - When's this winter hell going to end? 117 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:32,451 - I slept well too, thanks. 118 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,519 - George, if you're not too busy today, 119 00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,988 we'd love to have you take us ice fishing. 120 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:41,726 - Well, I was planning to stare at the fireplace again today, 121 00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:44,395 but heck, I can do that later. 122 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:45,897 - How about it, men? A little ice fishing? 123 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:46,932 - Excellent idea. 124 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:48,032 - Gee, if I'd known we were going fishing, 125 00:07:48,735 --> 00:07:49,668 I would have brought my boots. 126 00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:55,740 - A-Are you saying you could use the shoes of the fishermen? 127 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:02,213 - Stephanie, our guests are going fishing 128 00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:05,350 and they'll need boxed lunches. 129 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:08,753 - You know, if you don't learn to do things for yourselves, 130 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,089 no woman will ever have you. 131 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:18,329 - You haven't told her about our vocation, have you? 132 00:08:18,499 --> 00:08:20,999 - Not--not yet. 133 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,735 Does that make me a sinner? 134 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,770 - How long has she been working for you? 135 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:26,805 - Seven years. 136 00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,041 - Then you're serving your own particular kind of penance. 137 00:08:39,386 --> 00:08:41,486 - Dick... 138 00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,922 are people supposed to read those Bibles 139 00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:46,825 we keep in the nightstands? 140 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:49,394 - No, no. They're just-- they're just for show. 141 00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,329 - Well, that's what I thought. 142 00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:53,031 But those guys have them out on their beds 143 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,933 like they were actually reading them. 144 00:08:55,101 --> 00:08:57,002 - Maybe they're priests on retreat. 145 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,504 - Oh yeah, sure. 146 00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:04,843 - Hi, everybody. Look what we caught! 147 00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,344 - Twenty-three of the scaliest perch 148 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:08,312 ever to be plucked out of Johnnycake Pond. 149 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,214 And I reeled in 15 of them myself. 150 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,684 - Stephanie, why don't we take these fish into the kitchen 151 00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:14,419 and start cleaning them? 152 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:15,420 - They just came out of the water. 153 00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:17,856 How dirty could they be? 154 00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,158 - Joanna means you have to cut off their heads, 155 00:09:20,326 --> 00:09:23,161 rip out their guts, and peel off their skin. 156 00:09:23,329 --> 00:09:25,430 - Ew. 157 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:26,631 - Come on, Stephanie, just pretend 158 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,300 they're poorly dressed townspeople. 159 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,273 - Th-Thanks for taking George along. 160 00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:38,376 This little outing really-- really perked up his spirits. 161 00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:41,279 - He was indispensable, especially when it came time 162 00:09:41,448 --> 00:09:44,649 to remove the fish hook from Jasper's bum. 163 00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,251 I must say there's something about Vermont 164 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,288 that produces a special breed of man. 165 00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:00,498 - Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Darryl, 166 00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:02,968 and this is my other brother, Darryl. 167 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:06,537 - And th-then there's the occasional hybrid. 168 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:09,674 - Rumor has it the Stratford is playing host 169 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:12,276 to a quintet of ecclesiastics. 170 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:14,378 - If--if you mean priests, yeah. 171 00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,380 This--this is Father Ken. 172 00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:17,381 - How can I help you, Larry? 173 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:18,416 - Hi. 174 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,753 We made this pilgrimage to obtain papal authentication 175 00:10:21,922 --> 00:10:24,155 for several of our holy relics, 176 00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:27,926 the first one being the head of Judas Iscariot. 177 00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:39,671 The thick eyebrows and fleshy cheeks 178 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:43,842 are trademark features of the dark apostle. 179 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:46,111 - Another trademark feature is 180 00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:49,247 the "Made in Puerto Rico" label. 181 00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:51,516 - I hate to disappoint you, Larry, 182 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:55,120 but this is a coconut... 183 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:58,289 with a monkey's face carved in it. 184 00:10:58,458 --> 00:10:59,658 - We do have another item 185 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,694 that's bound to catch your ecumenical eye, 186 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,996 the trout of Turin. 187 00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:09,968 - The trout of Turin? 188 00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,470 - My brother Darryl befriended this particular trout 189 00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:16,474 while we were touring the Canadian provinces. 190 00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:17,742 He became so attached to it 191 00:11:17,911 --> 00:11:20,111 that he kept it under his pillow. 192 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,714 - I'm afraid a fish stain on a pillowcase 193 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,717 doesn't qualify as a holy relic. 194 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:29,620 - Well Darryl, it appears as if our sacred sack 195 00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,089 is sacred no more. 196 00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:34,159 Come, let us part the waters of Johnnycake Bog 197 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:37,128 and seek solace in that ancient ark. 198 00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,271 - Excuse me, I feel a sudden need to go upstairs 199 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,973 and pray to St. Jude, 200 00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:53,211 the patron saint of hopeless causes. 201 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,581 [WHISTLES] 202 00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:59,084 - It sounds like--sounds like you had a good day, George. 203 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,085 - Oh, you bet. 204 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,955 I never knew priests were supposed to have fun. 205 00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:06,390 Father John told this dilly of a joke 206 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:10,161 about a wayward Lutheran who went to this farmer's house. 207 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,329 - George, George-- - These two beautiful-- 208 00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:16,300 I know--I know the joke, but i-it was a wayward Baptist. 209 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,702 - Baptist? 210 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,003 That's even funnier. 211 00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,706 [LAUGHTER] A Baptist! 212 00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:25,043 - George, I guess you're over, you know, your winter blahs. 213 00:12:25,212 --> 00:12:26,878 - Oh, it wasn't just the winter, Dick. 214 00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:30,248 I was depressed because there wasn't any meaning in my life. 215 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,550 But that all changed this afternoon. 216 00:12:32,719 --> 00:12:35,386 Dick, I've decided to become a priest. 217 00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:42,160 - George, let--let me--let me get this right. 218 00:12:42,328 --> 00:12:46,097 Just because a priest tells you a-a dilly of a story, 219 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,933 you're--you're ready to--to sign up? 220 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,835 - Dick, this isn't the first time 221 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,971 I've considered the priesthood. 222 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,973 When I was an altar boy at St. Michael's, 223 00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:58,042 I was a hot prospect. 224 00:12:58,211 --> 00:13:00,478 The one Sunday, I dropped a 50-pound Bible 225 00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,580 on Father McNee's toe. 226 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,283 He couldn't genuflect for a month. 227 00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,685 - George... 228 00:13:07,854 --> 00:13:11,823 don't you think--don't you think maybe you're a little old 229 00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:13,491 you know, to be--to be starting over? 230 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,794 - Dick, what's age got to do with it? 231 00:13:15,962 --> 00:13:19,798 From now on, I'll be answering to a divine boss. 232 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,299 - You know, I-- I always thought of myself 233 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:26,304 as a kind of divine boss. 234 00:13:26,472 --> 00:13:30,074 - Don't delude yourself. You're as mortal as they come. 235 00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:41,252 - Greetings, master of the house. 236 00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:44,155 Where ist mine e-spouse? 237 00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:47,826 - She's in der kitchen. 238 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,364 Now she's in der lobby. 239 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,933 - Guten abend, my little schnitzel. 240 00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:58,303 Your liebchen and liebchen-ette are back from der TV studio. 241 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:02,440 - Michael, why are you talking fake German? 242 00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:04,275 - Herr Dick shtarted it. 243 00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,344 - Dish not. 244 00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:09,380 - Oh, de pew, Steph, what stinks? 245 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:12,851 - The, uh, the conversation. 246 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,585 - No, me. 247 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:18,056 I had to clean a ton of perch for some fishermen staying here. 248 00:14:18,225 --> 00:14:20,791 - Oh, my malodorous muffin. 249 00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:22,760 You were bullied by a band of barnacle barbarians? 250 00:14:22,929 --> 00:14:24,462 - Yes. 251 00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:26,331 - Were they cute? 252 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:31,369 - Hey Dick, ou want to watch Going My Way ? 253 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,705 I've decided to model myself after Bing Crosby. 254 00:14:34,875 --> 00:14:38,343 He was a good priest and a heck of a crooner. 255 00:14:38,511 --> 00:14:40,011 - Well, I hope they teach crooning 256 00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:42,313 at the seminary, George. 257 00:14:48,855 --> 00:14:51,455 - Hello, George. 258 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:52,991 - Hi. 259 00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:57,028 - Any reason for you to be here? 260 00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:02,533 - Well, let's see, I own the inn, I live here. 261 00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:05,270 No, n-none whatsoever. 262 00:15:06,672 --> 00:15:10,741 - So George, is it true you're entering the priesthood? 263 00:15:10,911 --> 00:15:13,945 - Yes, I'm leaving my sinful life behind. 264 00:15:14,114 --> 00:15:17,715 I've taken the vows of poverty and obedience. 265 00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:20,952 - I can't help but notice you left out chastity. 266 00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:23,521 Are you trying to seduce me? 267 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:29,460 - Heavens, no. 268 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,963 - I see. 269 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:34,665 In that case, I'd like to send you off 270 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,667 with a very special gift, 271 00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:43,942 very much like the one I bestowed upon Tommy Anderson... 272 00:15:44,110 --> 00:15:46,744 before he joined the Navy. 273 00:15:48,014 --> 00:15:53,318 And like Danny O'Shannon... before he joined the sideshow. 274 00:15:55,221 --> 00:15:58,423 And Scotty Buck...before he-- 275 00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,959 I guess he wasn't going anywhere. 276 00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:08,399 - Miss Goddard, you're trying to entice me with your femininity. 277 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:12,236 - Just think of me as your last supper. 278 00:16:14,740 --> 00:16:16,707 - I already ate. 279 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:22,146 - Then think of me as your after-dinner mint. 280 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:24,482 - Miss Goddard, 281 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:29,153 I don't think priests are allowed to snack. 282 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,823 Go forth in peace. 283 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,428 - You have more inner strength than I thought. 284 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,364 You'll make a wonderful priest, George. 285 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:42,233 - Thank you, my child. 286 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:49,040 - Not even one quick game of woof-woof? 287 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:56,014 Just remember, sweet George, 288 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:01,652 I'll be waiting for you in the afterlife. 289 00:17:08,594 --> 00:17:12,730 - I just withstood the greatest test known to man. 290 00:17:12,899 --> 00:17:17,201 - D-Did Miss Goddard do her dance of the 17 veils? 291 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,202 - Thank goodness, no. 292 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,804 I would have been a goner for sure. 293 00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:26,077 Any reason for you to be here? 294 00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:29,747 - Well let's see, I still own the inn, I still live here. 295 00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:32,450 None whatsoever. 296 00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:33,484 - Hi, Father Ken. 297 00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,786 How's Father Jasper feeling? 298 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:36,820 - Better. 299 00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:39,057 Some people can eat perch and it doesn't affect them. 300 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:42,226 Others break out in angry red blotches. 301 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,163 - You know, I've been wanting to talk to you, Father. 302 00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:48,199 - You're interested in becoming a priest. 303 00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:49,767 - Yeah, how'd you know? 304 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,336 - You're holding the copy of Going My Way. 305 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,839 It's about as close as we get to a recruitment film. 306 00:17:57,243 --> 00:17:59,410 Tell me, when did you come to this decision? 307 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:01,612 - Right after Father John's story 308 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:06,884 about the nearsighted Presbyterian and the billygoat. 309 00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:09,720 - That one brought the archbishop to his knees. 310 00:18:12,758 --> 00:18:14,158 You know, George, 311 00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:17,962 you're seeing us at one of our rare vacations. 312 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,631 Most of the time, being a priest is hard work. 313 00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:25,169 - Yeah, I guess those exorcisms can really wear a guy out. 314 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:27,638 - Well, some exorcisms. 315 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:31,476 But a more time consuming task is to provide counsel. 316 00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,177 Say one of your parishioners confessed 317 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,246 that he was being unfaithful to his spouse. 318 00:18:35,381 --> 00:18:36,747 - You mean, like Officer Shifflett 319 00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,516 and Miss Goddard? 320 00:18:38,684 --> 00:18:40,884 See, he was going on a stakeout 321 00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,020 and Miss Goddard wanted to send him off 322 00:18:43,189 --> 00:18:45,156 with a very special gift. 323 00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:48,392 - George, a priest is supposed to keep 324 00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,794 all confessions in confidence. 325 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:54,532 - Boy, if there's anyone who can't keep a secret it's me, 326 00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:56,367 though I never told a soul 327 00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:59,937 that Joanna has a tattoo of a seahorse on her thigh. 328 00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:01,439 - Joanna has a tattoo? 329 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,706 - Well, since you know that much, 330 00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,509 I might as well tell you the rest. 331 00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:07,911 See, she was showering and I was outside on a ladder. 332 00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:09,813 - You know what, George, good. 333 00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,782 I think we've concluded that you've got a problem 334 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,685 in the loose lip department. 335 00:19:14,854 --> 00:19:19,390 Well, that aside, a priest must also have the calling. 336 00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,392 - Who calls you? 337 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:23,494 - God. 338 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,530 - What does he sound like? 339 00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:29,033 Does he have a deep voice like Brenda Vaccaro? 340 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:33,737 - It's not so much a voice, George, 341 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:37,208 as it is a call from the soul. 342 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:40,844 - Gee, I haven't heard a peep out of my soul. 343 00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:43,113 - There are other ways to show your devotion. 344 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,849 You could volunteer your time at St. Michael's. 345 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,718 - Well, I don't think they'd want to see 346 00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:48,986 the likes of me again. 347 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:51,656 We had a falling out years ago. 348 00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:54,058 - The church is all forgiving, 349 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:55,926 unless you're that notorious altar boy 350 00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:59,129 who dropped the 50-pound Bible on Father McNee's toe. 351 00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:03,334 -Ha-ha-ha-ha... 352 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:09,173 - Do you think they need any help over at St. Christopher's? 353 00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:11,275 - I'm sure they'd be very grateful. 354 00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:13,777 - Well, thanks for being so straight with me, Father. 355 00:20:13,913 --> 00:20:17,047 Maybe I'll put off this priest thing for a while. 356 00:20:17,217 --> 00:20:19,650 I guess I'd better return Going My Way , 357 00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:20,784 unless you want to see it. 358 00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,621 - No, thanks, I've seen it over a hundred times. 359 00:20:23,789 --> 00:20:27,425 - Well, I've got all of Cheech and Chong's films. 360 00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,827 - Let's watch Going My Way . 361 00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:36,367 - I hope you had a pleasant stay. 362 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:37,568 - Oh, we did. 363 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:40,137 - Now I know what hell is like. 364 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:46,444 - Well come on, I'll give you directions out of...hell. 365 00:20:48,114 --> 00:20:51,649 - So, I guess you won't be taking--taking George along. 366 00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:52,717 - No. 367 00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,052 It's funny, it seems like every time we have a retreat, 368 00:20:55,221 --> 00:20:56,987 somebody wants to join up. 369 00:20:57,156 --> 00:20:58,289 This time, I thought it'd be you. 370 00:20:58,458 --> 00:20:59,957 - Well, I-I did consider the priesthood 371 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:01,825 briefly when--when I was a kid. 372 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,995 hen I went to see The Bells of t. Mary's and noticed how hot-- 373 00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:08,499 how lovely Ingrid Bergman looked. 374 00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:09,800 - Say no more. 375 00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:12,936 We've lost a lot of candidates to that movie. 376 00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:18,409 - Oh, you're checking out. 377 00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:21,178 I better not find any Bibles missing. 378 00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:23,046 - Goodbye, Father Ken. 379 00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:25,616 - So long. 380 00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,951 - Why are you calling him Father? 381 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,655 - Because I'm a priest. 382 00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:33,257 - You are not. 383 00:21:33,426 --> 00:21:35,125 - Yes, he is. 384 00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:36,960 Oh! 385 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,563 Oh, didn't-- 386 00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:45,369 didn't I tell you? 387 00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:48,172 - Excuse us, Father. 388 00:21:48,341 --> 00:21:50,073 How could you do this to me? 389 00:21:50,242 --> 00:21:53,411 Now I'll rot in hell for sure. 390 00:21:53,546 --> 00:21:57,948 Father, I don't think you've met my little daughter, Stephie. 391 00:21:58,117 --> 00:22:01,619 I was going to name her Madonna. 392 00:22:01,788 --> 00:22:03,086 - Oh, she's lovely. 393 00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:04,755 Bye now. 394 00:22:04,924 --> 00:22:08,859 - Did I tell you that my daddy is chummy with the Pope? 395 00:22:09,028 --> 00:22:10,894 How does Cardinal Ken sound? 396 00:22:11,063 --> 00:22:12,262 - I like it. 397 00:22:12,432 --> 00:22:14,665 Come out to the car and we'll talk. 398 00:22:18,404 --> 00:22:20,638 - Look what I found in the side yard, 399 00:22:20,807 --> 00:22:22,773 the first crocus of spring. 400 00:22:22,942 --> 00:22:24,442 - About time, George. 401 00:22:24,610 --> 00:22:26,176 - I'm going to take it over to the library 402 00:22:26,312 --> 00:22:28,646 and offer it to Miss Goddard. 403 00:22:28,815 --> 00:22:30,614 Woof-woof. 404 00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:36,520 - All right, who told those priests about my tattoo? 405 00:22:47,166 --> 00:22:50,167 [♪♪♪] 406 00:23:15,928 --> 00:23:17,261 - Meow! 31252

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