Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- What--what are you doing up there, George?

- Watching the snow fall.

If it keeps piling up like this,

it's going to engulf the inn.

And we'll be trapped in here.

And we won't have any food,

and we'll start eating each other's flesh to survive.

- George, the basement i-is full o-of canned goods.

- Dick, that stuff is loaded with sodium.

- George, w-winter will be over soon.

You just have a-a mild case of cabin fever.

- Yeah?

That's what Shelley Duvall said to Jack Nicholson

in The Shining ,

right before he buried an axe in Scatman Crothers's chest.

- Okay Dick, I made up those five silly rooms

for those five silly guests you're expecting.

- And did you clean up their five silly bathrooms?

- Well, all except the one at the end of the hall.

It has a defective mirror, makes me look pouty.

- Life's a bitch, and then you die.

- Couldn't we just cram these guys into one room

and charge them for five?

- You know, m-maybe you should be the innkeeper

and--and I should be the maid.

- Oh, no, thanks.

People in sedentary jobs

tend to get those repulsive cellulite deposits.

- Wh-Why do you think I wear slacks?

Did you put mints on their pillows yet?

[SIGHS]

- You just love sucking the lifeblood out of me, don't you?

- Hi, w-welcome to the Stratford.

I-I'm Dick Loudon. You must be the party of five?

- Are we that obvious?

- Well, when you work behind the front desk

as--as long as I have,

you, you know, you develop a-a keen eye.

- And repulsive cellulite deposits.

- Boy, Vermont sure is beautiful in the winter.

- It's bitter, it's bleak,

it turns you into a frozen zombie.

- Th-That's George Utley, he's our--our social director.

- We thought after we settle in, we'd like to grab a bite.

Can you suggest a good restaurant?

- There's a bunch of them in New York.

- Yeah, but, you know, if you don't feel like driving

300 miles in a--in a blizzard,

th-there's The Lusty Buccaneer out on Route 14.

The waitresses wear hot pants and eye patches.

- That doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant

a priest would frequent.

- Well, maybe not, but you guys should have a-a hell of a time.

You, uh, you--you mean you--you men are all...

A-Are you guys, fellows, holy men, h-here to open a winery?

- No, we're on retreat.

- Occasionally, we're able to get away

to do some self-examination, meditate,

and God willing, raise a little heck.

- All right, let's lay some ground rules.

There will be no roughhousing in the rooms,

no all-night beer parties,

and if I find one cigarette burn in the carpet,

Dick, I'll have you booted out of here.

- Clear? - Yes, ma'am.

- Dick, these guys are real loonies.

I just saw them praying to their pancakes.

- Stephanie, they were saying grace.

- Do people still do that?

- Yeah, th-there's still some loonies around

who thank God for their daily bread, or flapjacks.

- I wouldn't know.

A Vanderkellen never has to pray for anything.

- Excuse me, miss.

Could we trouble you for some more coffee?

- All right.

But forget about the grace.

I already blessed the pot in the kitchen.

- Would it be a bother to ask for some decaf?

- Yes.

All right.

Here's your decaf.

- Dick, isn't it time to tell Stephanie they're priests?

- Joanna, let me enjoy this a little while longer?

I mean, there's so little in my life that makes me smile.

- So, Lou at the gas station was right.

You are harboring five eligible bachelors.

- Miss Goddard, I don't know how eligible they are.

- Then I guess it's up to me to find out.

- Dick, tell her.

- Not--not yet. I'm smiling.

- Hello, boys.

- Hi.

- I'm Prudence Goddard, the town librarian.

I'm also the unofficial welcome wagon, so to speak.

- Friendly town.

- Avert your eyes, John.

I've seen her type before, a hotbed of sin.

- What do they call you, fella?

- Ken.

Miss Goddard, we're all men of the cloth.

- And I'm a woman of the sheets.

- Miss--Miss Goddard, o-our guests are--are priests.

- Priests?

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Oh, how could I be--

Are any of you drifting from the calling?

- Certainly not.

- I see.

Well, I'm sure the church appreciates

the sacrifice you're making.

What a shame.

I was prepared to show you a whole new kind of heaven.

- Morning, George. Sleep well?

- When's this winter hell going to end?

- I slept well too, thanks.

- George, if you're not too busy today,

we'd love to have you take us ice fishing.

- Well, I was planning to stare at the fireplace again today,

but heck, I can do that later.

- How about it, men? A little ice fishing?

- Excellent idea.

- Gee, if I'd known we were going fishing,

I would have brought my boots.

- A-Are you saying you could use the shoes of the fishermen?

- Stephanie, our guests are going fishing

and they'll need boxed lunches.

- You know, if you don't learn to do things for yourselves,

no woman will ever have you.

- You haven't told her about our vocation, have you?

- Not--not yet.

Does that make me a sinner?

- How long has she been working for you?

- Seven years.

- Then you're serving your own particular kind of penance.

- Dick...

are people supposed to read those Bibles

we keep in the nightstands?

- No, no. They're just-- they're just for show.

- Well, that's what I thought.

But those guys have them out on their beds

like they were actually reading them.

- Maybe they're priests on retreat.

- Oh yeah, sure.

- Hi, everybody. Look what we caught!

- Twenty-three of the scaliest perch

ever to be plucked out of Johnnycake Pond.

And I reeled in 15 of them myself.

- Stephanie, why don't we take these fish into the kitchen

and start cleaning them?

- They just came out of the water.

How dirty could they be?

- Joanna means you have to cut off their heads,

rip out their guts, and peel off their skin.

- Ew.

- Come on, Stephanie, just pretend

they're poorly dressed townspeople.

- Th-Thanks for taking George along.

This little outing really-- really perked up his spirits.

- He was indispensable, especially when it came time

to remove the fish hook from Jasper's bum.

I must say there's something about Vermont

that produces a special breed of man.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my other brother, Darryl.

- And th-then there's the occasional hybrid.

- Rumor has it the Stratford is playing host

to a quintet of ecclesiastics.

- If--if you mean priests, yeah.

This--this is Father Ken.

- How can I help you, Larry?

- Hi.

We made this pilgrimage to obtain papal authentication

for several of our holy relics,

the first one being the head of Judas Iscariot.

The thick eyebrows and fleshy cheeks

are trademark features of the dark apostle.

- Another trademark feature is

the "Made in Puerto Rico" label.

- I hate to disappoint you, Larry,

but this is a coconut...

with a monkey's face carved in it.

- We do have another item

that's bound to catch your ecumenical eye,

the trout of Turin.

- The trout of Turin?

- My brother Darryl befriended this particular trout

while we were touring the Canadian provinces.

He became so attached to it

that he kept it under his pillow.

- I'm afraid a fish stain on a pillowcase

doesn't qualify as a holy relic.

- Well Darryl, it appears as if our sacred sack

is sacred no more.

Come, let us part the waters of Johnnycake Bog

and seek solace in that ancient ark.

- Excuse me, I feel a sudden need to go upstairs

and pray to St. Jude,

the patron saint of hopeless causes.

[WHISTLES]

- It sounds like--sounds like you had a good day, George.

- Oh, you bet.

I never knew priests were supposed to have fun.

Father John told this dilly of a joke

about a wayward Lutheran who went to this farmer's house.

- George, George-- - These two beautiful--

I know--I know the joke, but i-it was a wayward Baptist.

- Baptist?

That's even funnier.

[LAUGHTER] A Baptist!

- George, I guess you're over, you know, your winter blahs.

- Oh, it wasn't just the winter, Dick.

I was depressed because there wasn't any meaning in my life.

But that all changed this afternoon.

Dick, I've decided to become a priest.

- George, let--let me--let me get this right.

Just because a priest tells you a-a dilly of a story,

you're--you're ready to--to sign up?

- Dick, this isn't the first time

I've considered the priesthood.

When I was an altar boy at St. Michael's,

I was a hot prospect.

The one Sunday, I dropped a 50-pound Bible

on Father McNee's toe.

He couldn't genuflect for a month.

- George...

don't you think--don't you think maybe you're a little old

you know, to be--to be starting over?

- Dick, what's age got to do with it?

From now on, I'll be answering to a divine boss.

- You know, I-- I always thought of myself

as a kind of divine boss.

- Don't delude yourself. You're as mortal as they come.

- Greetings, master of the house.

Where ist mine e-spouse?

- She's in der kitchen.

Now she's in der lobby.

- Guten abend, my little schnitzel.

Your liebchen and liebchen-ette are back from der TV studio.

- Michael, why are you talking fake German?

- Herr Dick shtarted it.

- Dish not.

- Oh, de pew, Steph, what stinks?

- The, uh, the conversation.

- No, me.

I had to clean a ton of perch for some fishermen staying here.

- Oh, my malodorous muffin.

You were bullied by a band of barnacle barbarians?

- Yes.

- Were they cute?

- Hey Dick, ou want to watch Going My Way ?

I've decided to model myself after Bing Crosby.

He was a good priest and a heck of a crooner.

- Well, I hope they teach crooning

at the seminary, George.

- Hello, George.

- Hi.

- Any reason for you to be here?

- Well, let's see, I own the inn, I live here.

No, n-none whatsoever.

- So George, is it true you're entering the priesthood?

- Yes, I'm leaving my sinful life behind.

I've taken the vows of poverty and obedience.

- I can't help but notice you left out chastity.

Are you trying to seduce me?

- Heavens, no.

- I see.

In that case, I'd like to send you off

with a very special gift,

very much like the one I bestowed upon Tommy Anderson...

before he joined the Navy.

And like Danny O'Shannon... before he joined the sideshow.

And Scotty Buck...before he--

I guess he wasn't going anywhere.

- Miss Goddard, you're trying to entice me with your femininity.

- Just think of me as your last supper.

- I already ate.

- Then think of me as your after-dinner mint.

- Miss Goddard,

I don't think priests are allowed to snack.

Go forth in peace.

- You have more inner strength than I thought.

You'll make a wonderful priest, George.

- Thank you, my child.

- Not even one quick game of woof-woof?

Just remember, sweet George,

I'll be waiting for you in the afterlife.

- I just withstood the greatest test known to man.

- D-Did Miss Goddard do her dance of the 17 veils?

- Thank goodness, no.

I would have been a goner for sure.

Any reason for you to be here?

- Well let's see, I still own the inn, I still live here.

None whatsoever.

- Hi, Father Ken.

How's Father Jasper feeling?

- Better.

Some people can eat perch and it doesn't affect them.

Others break out in angry red blotches.

- You know, I've been wanting to talk to you, Father.

- You're interested in becoming a priest.

- Yeah, how'd you know?

- You're holding the copy of Going My Way.

It's about as close as we get to a recruitment film.

Tell me, when did you come to this decision?

- Right after Father John's story

about the nearsighted Presbyterian and the billygoat.

- That one brought the archbishop to his knees.

You know, George,

you're seeing us at one of our rare vacations.

Most of the time, being a priest is hard work.

- Yeah, I guess those exorcisms can really wear a guy out.

- Well, some exorcisms.

But a more time consuming task is to provide counsel.

Say one of your parishioners confessed

that he was being unfaithful to his spouse.

- You mean, like Officer Shifflett

and Miss Goddard?

See, he was going on a stakeout

and Miss Goddard wanted to send him off

with a very special gift.

- George, a priest is supposed to keep

all confessions in confidence.

- Boy, if there's anyone who can't keep a secret it's me,

though I never told a soul

that Joanna has a tattoo of a seahorse on her thigh.

- Joanna has a tattoo?

- Well, since you know that much,

I might as well tell you the rest.

See, she was showering and I was outside on a ladder.

- You know what, George, good.

I think we've concluded that you've got a problem

in the loose lip department.

Well, that aside, a priest must also have the calling.

- Who calls you?

- God.

- What does he sound like?

Does he have a deep voice like Brenda Vaccaro?

- It's not so much a voice, George,

as it is a call from the soul.

- Gee, I haven't heard a peep out of my soul.

- There are other ways to show your devotion.

You could volunteer your time at St. Michael's.

- Well, I don't think they'd want to see

the likes of me again.

We had a falling out years ago.

- The church is all forgiving,

unless you're that notorious altar boy

who dropped the 50-pound Bible on Father McNee's toe.

-Ha-ha-ha-ha...

- Do you think they need any help over at St. Christopher's?

- I'm sure they'd be very grateful.

- Well, thanks for being so straight with me, Father.

Maybe I'll put off this priest thing for a while.

I guess I'd better return Going My Way ,

unless you want to see it.

- No, thanks, I've seen it over a hundred times.

- Well, I've got all of Cheech and Chong's films.

- Let's watch Going My Way .

- I hope you had a pleasant stay.

- Oh, we did.

- Now I know what hell is like.

- Well come on, I'll give you directions out of...hell.

- So, I guess you won't be taking--taking George along.

- No.

It's funny, it seems like every time we have a retreat,

somebody wants to join up.

This time, I thought it'd be you.

- Well, I-I did consider the priesthood

briefly when--when I was a kid.

hen I went to see The Bells of t. Mary's and noticed how hot--

how lovely Ingrid Bergman looked.

- Say no more.

We've lost a lot of candidates to that movie.

- Oh, you're checking out.

I better not find any Bibles missing.

- Goodbye, Father Ken.

- So long.

- Why are you calling him Father?

- Because I'm a priest.

- You are not.

- Yes, he is.

Oh!

Oh, didn't--

didn't I tell you?

- Excuse us, Father.

How could you do this to me?

Now I'll rot in hell for sure.

Father, I don't think you've met my little daughter, Stephie.

I was going to name her Madonna.

- Oh, she's lovely.

Bye now.

- Did I tell you that my daddy is chummy with the Pope?

How does Cardinal Ken sound?

- I like it.

Come out to the car and we'll talk.

- Look what I found in the side yard,

the first crocus of spring.

- About time, George.

- I'm going to take it over to the library

and offer it to Miss Goddard.

Woof-woof.

- All right, who told those priests about my tattoo?

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!