Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Hi, honey, making any progress on your new book?

- No, but I did come up with a great title.

Decoys: A Duck's Date with Death .

- You definitely cornered the children's market.

- All I have to do by tomorrow is come up with an intro,

18 chapters, a bibliography

and someone to write the damn thing.

- If you're having trouble, I could help.

- Oh, that's very sweet, honey, but I haven't sunk that low yet.

- Well, I'm officially off maternity leave.

Where's my welcome back party?

- Uh....

We decided to put that money toward your retirement party.

- We almost have enough saved for a solid gold feather duster.

- Oh, how sweet.

And tacky.

Well, long as I'm here, I might as well do something.

Where should I start?

- Well, there are beds to be made.

- You can't expect me to go upstairs,

I just had a baby.

- How about the laundry?

- You can't expect me to go downstairs,

I just had a baby.

- What can we expect you to do?

- I could use a refill.

- Joanna, as long as you're up...

- Well, Stephanie, motherhood certainly hasn't changed you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Now--now that you're back to work,

how do you plan to fill up your days?

- Well...

I'll just sit here on the sofa and look pretty.

- Now, that's George's job.

- Oh.

Well, then I'll sit here and greet all your silly guests.

Let's just hope no one checks in.

- Do you have reservations for Sam Leary?

- Looks like one of your silly guests.

- Oh, welcome to the Stratford, enjoy your stay.

- [CLEARS THROAT] Hi, I'm--I'm Dick Loudon.

You'll have to forgive our--our greeter,

she's--she's new and totally apathetic.

- Well, I wouldn't blame her,

I always bring out the worst in people.

Anyway, that's what Margaret said in her goodbye letter.

You want to hear it?

- No, it's not...

- Anyway, it might make you understand...

me a little bit better.

It says, "Dear Sam, you bring out the worst in people.

That's why I'm leaving you.

I'm also taking the kids,

the mobile home and your brother Mel."

- Your, uh, wife had an affair with--with your brother?

- Oh, he was taking a nap in the mobile home.

- Well, you know what they say, time--time heals all wounds.

- Yeah, well that's what Mel and the kids told me

five years ago from a payphone in Tucson.

- That's room--room two, at the t-top of the stairs.

- And t-take care. - Thanks pal.

Oh!

Oh, wow, look at that!

Oh, wow, covered bridge.

Nice! How much?

- It's yours. It's--it's on the house.

- Yeah, bet you give one of these

to every sad sack that comes through here.

- No, y-you're the inaugural sad sack.

- So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

- Well, sometimes at night, you know,

we'll bring out the old checkerboard

and play one game, maybe two.

- And Dick's been known to get wild

and pop some popcorn.

- Hey, I like popcorn and checkers.

Maybe I'm good for a game or two.

- Oh, I-I'm sorry but I-I'm busy writing a book on decoys

and, as a matter--a matter of fact, I better get quacking.

[LAUGHS]

- Oh, that's okay.

I'll just stumble up to my lonely room and, uh...

pull down the shades and weep.

- Well, you know, maybe--maybe one game.

- Oh, wow, that's good.

I'm really good.

I used to play against the computer.

Until Margaret drove away with it.

Did I tell you that she took my brother?

- Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, at least--at least he has

something to play with when he--when he wakes up.

The--the computer, I mean, not, you know,

not--not--not Margaret.

- [LAUGHS] That's a good one.

[LAUGHS]

I haven't laughed in five years.

- Welcome to the Stratford, enjoy your stay.

- Gee, thanks Stephanie.

- Oh, it's you.

You live here. You couldn't possibly enjoy it.

- Something is horribly wrong with this room.

Dick, did somebody buy the postcard

of the covered bridge?

- I-I-I gave it away, George.

- Was this person a member of your family

or close personal friend?

- N-No.

- Was this person somebody who pulled you out

of a burning building as a child?

- [CLEARS THROAT] No.

- Was this person Mamie Van Doren?

- No, no. But that's three down, George.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn over all the cards.

I, uh, I gave it to--to a guest.

- Huh. You never gave me a postcard.

Come to think of it, you never give me anything.

- Take--take a postcard, George.

- I'd rather have the tape dispenser.

- Okay, it's yours. It's a birthday present.

- Well, thanks for spoiling the surprise.

- Come to think of it, Dick.

You haven't given me anything for quite a while.

- I just gave you a six-week maternity leave

and--and a carriage house to live in.

- I mean office supplies.

- Here. Here are some rubber bands.

- Eww, the thin ones.

- Sam, y-you do know i-it's your move, don't you?

- You asked me that same thing 20 minutes ago.

- Yeah, except this time I'm saying it

with a certain sarcastic edge in my voice.

- Okay, if you want to play speed checkers.

Argh, okay.

Let's play another one, okay?

- Sam, you've lost four in a row.

You're lousy at this.

- But I let you win.

I mean, that's the least I could do,

you gave me that wonderful postcard.

- Great, there's nothing I enjoy more

than a--than a good thrown game o-of checkers.

- Is my new friend getting mad at me?

- No, but my--my book is--is waiting for me

and I--I really should get quacking.

[LAUGHS]

- It wasn't funny the first time, Dick.

- Well, why would anyone want to play

with a sad sack anyway?

- You know, i-it's funny but,

you don't hear the expression sad sack for like, 25 years

and then you hear it twice in the same day.

- Sort of like your quacking joke.

- Thank you, Stephanie.

Oh, J-Joanna would you like t-to play some checkers?

- No. I don't play with women.

They cheat, every one of them.

- Sure, I'd love to play a game.

- Well, uh, you can't.

Y-You'll cheat. Every damn one of ya.

- Welcome to the Stratford, enjoy your stay.

- What could be greater, my girlie's a greeter.

- Michael, I was so caught up in my work,

I didn't notice you.

- Gadzooks, you're still on the clock?

My Cuppers runneth overtime.

- Oh, Michael, I'm exhausted.

I just want to go home, put my feet up on the sofa

and read some magazines.

Joanna's been running me ragged.

- My god.

Is there no charity under that big furry sweater?

- Why do I bother to come into the lobby?

- Well, this family man is famished.

What say you, me, and the babe

blow this berg for a burger?

- Okay. Let's get snackin'.

[LAUGHS]

- Oh, G-George, I'd like you to meet, uh, Sam Leary.

This is, uh, George Utley, our handyman.

- So, you're the guy Dick gave the covered bridge postcard to.

He gave me a tape dispenser.

- Well, I'd rather have my postcard.

- Me too.

- Okay, the winner goes first.

- I-I've got a good five or six hours of work

ahead of me tonight.

- All right, I'll just sit here

and, you know, keep myself entertained.

- You're, uh, checking out tomorrow, right?

- Afraid so.

- Okay, play it again, Sam.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Say, if I weren't your employee,

I'd fire you, it's almost 9.

- I was up half the night playing checkers with Sam.

You know, you meet up with a guy like that,

it's hard to blame Margaret.

And Mel and the kids, for that matter.

- I hear ya.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about,

but I hear ya.

STEPHANIE: Welcome to the Stratford,

enjoy your stay.

JOANNA: It's me, Stephanie.

STEPHANIE: Oh! In that case, never mind.

- Dick, guess what?

I just sold the house next door and made a huge commission.

- Oh, that's great, honey.

STEPHANIE: Welcome to the Stratford,

enjoy your stay.

SAM: I'm not a guest anymore, Stephanie,

I bought the house next door.

Hi, neighbor!

[TYPEWRITER CLICKS]

- Chapter 12.

"Planning a decoy takes time and patience

"so you better get quacking."

I can't start off every chapter with the same joke.

- Dick, you miserable turncoat.

- Whatever you say, Michael.

- From my mouth, I'm frothing.

- See a vet.

Michael, I'm busy.

- Well, let's not beat around the bush.

The word on the street, the buzz on the boulevard,

the talk on the turnpike

is that Sam's your new best friend.

- Well, the street, the boulevard

and the turnpike are lying, Michael.

- You mean, I'm still your primo amigo?

- I don't have a primo amigo.

- Of course, you do. C'est moi, c'est moi .

'Tis I!

You remember the time I had no place to stay,

you let me sleep here for free?

- I never thought you'd pay.

- See, only a best friend would know that.

- We rushed over as soon as we heard the word on the street.

It's just too awful.

- Appreciate the sympathy, seniors.

Losing Dicklet as my best friend

has been a big blow to this little Joe.

- Your best friend?

Dick's my best friend.

- Your best friend?

He's my best friend.

- Everybody in town knows

that you're each other's best friend.

- Just because we've seen each other every day of our lives

since kindergarten?

- Well, it's just a friendship of convenience.

- This is the blackest day of my life.

- Don't tell me. My best friend, Mr. Rusnak.

- I trusted you and you threw me over

for some fresh-faced sad sack.

At least that's the word on the street.

- M-Mr. Rusnak, I am not your best friend.

As a matter of fact,

I-I don't even know your--your first name.

- It's Art. - Art.

- Say it like you mean it.

- Art! - Feels good, huh?

- Bottom line, Dick,

what's Sammy got that we got not?

- Other than that stunning postcard?

- Look, for the hundredth time, Sam is not my best friend.

Now get out of here, I got work to do.

- Hi guys.

Hi buddy, it's picnic time.

- Oh, this explains the sudden send-off.

- Sam, what are you doing here?

- You know very well what he's doing here.

- Tell me, how can you mend a broken heart?

- Not even the Bee Gees figured that one out.

- Do you like pastrami?

- My best friend would know if I liked pastrami.

- Well, I bet my best friend likes pimento loaf.

- L-Look, Sam, I-I am not your best friend.

I-i don't have a best friend.

And even if I did, h-he'd never be so...so...

- Tall? - Overbearing.

- You think I'm overbearing?

- Yes.

- Okay.

Okay, right, right.

I get ya. I can take a hint.

- Good.

- You think I'm overbearing?

I'm overbearing?

I mean, I shared my deepest darkest secrets with you!

- I-I didn't want to know about Margaret's early days

as a contortionist.

- Well, I thought you wanted to know

how I ruptured my groin.

Here, I think this postcard belongs to you.

I'm just glad I didn't have it laminated on my lunchbox.

- Chapter 12.

"How to Laminate Postcards On Your Duck Decoy."

- Joanna.

We have to talk.

This greeter job isn't fulfilling me.

My talents are being wasted.

- Finished all the magazines, huh?

- Yeah.

- Joanna, would you toast this pimento loaf sandwich for me?

- I'll do it.

- You're giving up on your greeting job?

- It wasn't fulfilling me.

It was a waste of my talents.

- Finished all the magazines, huh?

- Yeah.

- Out, woman.

We've got business to discuss with your husband.

Manly business.

- Okay, that's it.

I am never coming into this lobby again.

- Now what?

- Word on the street is you dumped your best friend, Sam,

because he's overbearing.

- Wh-Where is this street you're always talking about?

- Actually, it's your front porch.

You can hear everything out there.

- Since when did you start liking

toasted pimento loaf sandwiches?

- We had you pegged a pastrami man.

- Well, you're wrong. Now go.

- Not so fast.

You still haven't filled that recently vacated

best friend slot.

Line up, men.

- Okay, Dick, take your pick.

- This is idiotic.

- Dick's right. A line won't work.

Let's form a circle.

Then Dick can close his eyes, spin around and point.

- Spin around and point?

I-I could wind up with that--that armchair

or--or worse--worse yet, Mr. Rusnak.

Look.

A friendship has to be...

has to be developed and nurtured and it has to be mutual.

I mean, y-you can't pick your best friend out of a hat.

- Why not?

- Because we don't have a hat.

- Would a cap do?

- Well, it's a little avant-garde for this town.

- Oh, what the hell, Chester, it's the '90s.

- Dick, can I have my picnic basket back?

It's been in the family for years.

Thank you.

- Gee, Sam doesn't seem overbearing at all.

- In fact, he seems rather pleasant.

- And well-groomed, too.

Check out the shine on those Florsheims.

- He'd make the ultimate dream friend.

- Well, thank you very much.

Thank you. I've got to go.

I'm having some builders come over

to give me an estimate on the moat.

- Since you were Dick's last best friend,

you should pick out his next best friend.

- Don't I have any choice in this?

- ALL: No.

- Look, I'll pick, but why would you

want him for a best friend?

I mean, there's no pleasing this guy.

- Come to think of it, Dick is a rather...

crotchety old thing.

- Not much in the personality department.

- So true, and all he does is whine.

- He's not much fun to be around,

except when he tells that quacking joke.

[MURMURING IN AGREEMENT]

- But it's hardly enough to build a friendship on.

- Too bad we can't be our own best friends.

- By George, George, you've got it!

We'll just bob for names

and be each other's cherished chums.

- Hey, can I play? My last chum was a real dud.

- Okay, Sam's in.

That makes it an even six.

- I wonder what I could get for this place.

- Jim.

Well, I guess I'm my own best friend.

- Chester.

Not a bad choice.

- Hey, I got me, babe!

- I got Mr. Rusnak.

- Bummer.

- Was.

Whoops.

Sam.

- I wonder who I'll get.

- It's anybody's guess, George.

- George.

Oh, that's me.

- Well, I think it's safe to say

that you all deserve yourselves.

- Well, I think I'll take my best friend out to dinner.

- Oh, can me and my best friend tag along?

- Sure. - Hey, how about the two of us?

- Me and me could use a bite.

- Yeah, we're starved.

- Us, too. I hope we can get a table for 12.

- Oh, Dick?

The guys on the street would like to know

if you'd like to tag along?

You know, I mean, find an extra chair.

- No, uh, 13 at a table is--is bad luck.

- Right.

Can I have my postcard back?

- No. - See ya.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.