Original subtitles

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- Now this lovely home has three spacious bedrooms,

a country kitchen,

and a terrace overlooking the 18th fairway

at Johnnycake Country Club;

and it's been reduced to $199,500.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hi, you're on the air with Joanna Loudon.

WOMAN: Hello, Joanna.

That dress looks darling on you.

What shoes are you wearing with it?

- Uh, heels.

Did you have a question about the house?

WOMAN: What house is that, dear?

- Thank you for calling.

[PHONE RINGS]

You're on the air with Joanna Loudon.

WOMAN: Are you wearing flats?

- I just told the other caller I'm wearing heels.

WOMAN: With those earrings?

Are you crazy?

- We'll be right back after this message.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK MELODY] - And we're out.

- So, uh, those--those shoes are called heels, huh?

- I've been hosting this show for eight months,

and nobody seems to understand that I'm selling houses.

- Well, maybe now is a good time to remind the viewers

what--what the concept is.

- You could start by refreshing my memory.

- It's a real estate program.

- It's not a fashion show?

You're not a model?

- Bud, don't be silly.

J-Joanna's not young enough...

to be old enough to be a model.

- Back in five, four, three, two...

- [SIGHS] Welcome back to Your House is My House.

Note the name of my show.

It's not Your Shoes Are My Shoes.

No, no, no.

I show houses and you can buy them.

Simple enough, isn't it?

[PHONE RINGS]

You're on the air with Joanna Loudon.

MAN: Yeah, thanks for reminding me and the wife

about what your show's about and everything,

I got a question.

- Go ahead.

MAN: How do you keep them teeth of yours so damn white?

[BABY CRIES]

- Oh yes, you are.

Oh yes, you are.

[BABY GIGGLES]

Oh yes, you are.

- Baby Stephanie is getting more and more beautiful every day.

- And?

- Oh, right. Momma Stephanie is getting more and more beautiful

every day too.

- Oh, stop it, George, you're embarrassing me.

- Boy, it's sure going to be confusing

having two Stephanies around here.

- Why, G-guy?

- Well, let's say five years from now,

I get my head stuck in the banister

and I call out, "Help me, Stephanie!"

Which one of you will come running?

- Oh, that's easy. Michael would.

- I guess I was worried for nothing.

- Bye-bye, pretty little Stephie.

- Bye, George.

- Oh yes, you are.

Oh yes, you are. - [BABY GIGGLES]

- Hey, feast your peepers, innkeepers.

- Oh, honey, we're invited to the official viewing

of baby Stephanie.

- We felt the town should be allowed to pay homage

to our creation.

- Wait a minute, you invited the whole town here?

- Well, we thought about having it at our place,

but you know what a mess these townspeople make.

- But, don't you think it would have been a good idea

to ask our permission first?

- Well, what would you have said?

- Absolutely not.

- Well, then it wouldn't have been a good idea,

would it, Dick?

- I--I suppose not.

- Now run along and put one of those flyers

under every windshield wiper in town.

- Righty-o.

- And, you know, don't limit yourself to the town.

Flag down cars on--on the interstate.

- Adios, all.

Sayonara, little Stephie-san.

[BABY CRIES]

Golly wompers, every time I speak to her

it's howl-o-rama.

- Well, maybe she's having trouble

understanding whatever language it is that you speak.

- Could be, could be.

From now on, I speak plain.

Goodbye, everybody.

Goodbye, young girl.

[BABY CRIES]

Is there some tragic flaw in this novice Pa?

- Joanna, your show was on today.

- Did you watch it?

- No, but whenever you wear those silly heels

with those ridiculous earrings,

I always know something's up.

- Does everyone in this town

think my show is about my wardrobe?

- Heck, it's about a lot more than that.

It's about your makeup, your hairdo.

- Nobody takes what I do seriously.

- Well, honey, maybe you know,

they're just blinded by your beauty.

I mean, a lot of people watch my show just because,

you know, they--they think I'm a stud.

- Hello.

- Hey.

I know you.

You're Joanna Loudon from TV.

Only here you're almost real.

- Does my blusher look as natural in person

as it does on my beauty show?

- You have two shows?

I only watch the real estate one.

- Oh, well d-do yourself a favor a-and catch the beauty show...

it's excellent, just--just excellent.

- I will.

In the meantime, I'm in the market for a house

and that three-bedroom Tudor you showed sure was cool.

[GIGGLES]

- Well, would you like to see it right now?

It's even cooler on the inside.

- Neat!

- Well, I'm glad you got our flyer

but I'm not sure I want a busload of nuns

on some spiritual quest coming to my baby's viewing.

An offering?

Well how much are we talking?

[SCOFFS] Oh, don't plead poverty with me, sister.

- Some nuns, huh?

- Yeah, just the take from one bingo game

would qualify them as sponsors.

- Sponsors?

- Yeah, a gift up to $20 makes you a sponsor of the baby.

And $20 to $50 makes you a patron.

And anything over $50, you're an angel.

- And what benefit is there in becoming, you know, an angel,

aside from th-the obvious perk of eternal life in heaven?

- You get to hold little Stephie.

Patrons can only look at her.

- So, what do sponsors get to do?

Press their noses up against the windows?

[LAUGHS]

Sponsors get to press their noses up against...

- But of course, you and Joanna will want to be angels.

- Well, since we gave you the carriage house rent-free,

out back, w-we thought that maybe we already were angels.

If--if not demigods.

- Well, houses are not part of our registered gift list.

We have you and Joanna down for a big screen TV.

- Oh, a-and maybe a-a big satellite dish to go with it?

- Too unsightly.

A little dish would do.

- So, how--how was house-hunting?

- Nifty! Especially the Tudor.

From the powder room,

you get this amazing view of the whole town.

The graveyard, the sewage plant, the dump.

- I-I bet on a clear day

you can see all--all the way to the slaughterhouse.

- I hope, I hope, I hope.

- You're buying a house?

Well, hold off on the down payment

until you read this.

- Wow, a baby viewing.

Is this your baby?

- Yeah.

And that little look just cost you $20 to $50.

- Worth every penny.

- Well, thanks, you're an angel.

Well, a patron.

- Uh, Dave.

You know, if you like the Tudor, should we write up an offer?

- No, it had a flagstone walkway.

- So?

- Joanna, everybody knows that walking on flagstone

causes memory loss in laboratory rats.

- Dave, you could have the flagstones ripped out.

- Yeah, but I'd always know they'd been there.

- Not--not if you walked on it a lot.

- What about the Victorian on Manor Circle?

- It had smoke detectors.

- Yeah, you finally get your house to go up in flames

and then--then the darn buzzers start going off.

- I think we should keep looking.

How many houses are for sale in this county?

- Maybe a thousand?

- Oooh.

Better get cracking.

Race you to the station wagon.

Ready? Go!

- Dick, what should I do?

- Honey, you know, if-- if you hurdle the front hedge

you could still beat him.

Hustle, hustle!

[BABY GIGGLES]

- Okay, your $20 are up.

Dick, are you trying to sneak a look at our baby

without giving her a present first?

- Boy, that punch sure looks inviting, doesn't it?

- Keep an eye on that one, he's wily.

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my other brother, Darryl.

- I'm not going to look, will you get away from me?

- We're here to view Miss Stephanie's

cherished offspring, Miss Stephanie.

Huh?

Darryl feels it must be mind-boggling to have

two family members with the same name.

- Aren't you guys kind of in--in the same boat?

- I don't think so.

Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother, Darryl.

And this is my other brother, Darryl.

Nope, no Stephanies in our family.

- Oooooh. [RATTLING IN BOX]

A Tiffany rattle.

- Darryl cautions you to proceed carefully.

The rattle is still attached to its original owner.

[BOX RATTLES]

- Oh yeah, that must be from

Tiffany's new reptile department.

- Eek!

- Sir George, would you take this outside

to that other gift table?

You know, the one behind the garage.

- You mean the garbage can?

Oh, that gift table.

- Since Darryl here hunted for the gift,

he should have the honor of holding baby Stephie.

- Well, I don't know if your gift was worth $50.

- The defanging and Darryl's anti-venom shot cost $80.

- Okay, you're allowed to lift our lassie, laddie.

[BABY CRIES]

[BABY STOPS CRYING]

Well, obviously, you're no novice to neonatal.

- Darryl's never cuddled a sweet young thing before.

Unless you count Darryl.

- Show us the way to the baby!

- You can't miss her.

She's the only one in the room who's drooling.

Except for Thor here.

- Put me down as patron.

Three general admission tickets

to the big carnival in Toyville.

They got a Canadian goose that mambos.

- Well, if you're good for a goose,

we're good for a gander.

- And Jim sprung for the bus tickets to Toyville.

- No. Changed my mind.

- Three tickets to the Moscow circus.

- At world-famous Radio City Music Hall.

They've got a Soviet bear that cha-chas.

- Jim Dixon, we agreed the best we could afford

was patron category.

You made me pinky swear.

- I-In this state, pinky swearing is legally binding.

R-Right, Thor?

- I didn't want to come off an old tightwad,

like some people.

- It's not my fault my electric bill is sky high.

- Well, it's no wonder.

You keep the heat on day in and day out.

It's like a darn oven in your house.

- Please stop arguing.

Or I'll have to deduct seconds from your baby-holding time.

- Brace yourself for a blast of bawling, boyskie.

[BABY COOS SOFTLY]

- Aw, she's purring.

- Dickums, my babe in arms goes goo-goo for the guests,

but poo-poos her own Papa.

- Michael and Stephanie are frantic.

They've unwrapped all their gifts

and they can't find your TV or satellite dish.

- I didn't buy them, George.

- You looked at baby Stephanie without paying?

What's happening to you, Dick?

- I'm a cheap piece of dirt, George.

- I showed Dave another 20 houses.

He found something wrong with every single one of them.

Wait till you hear this.

- First time-- - No time, no time.

I've got to buy a big screen.

- It was this old colonial on Maskell Road.

He said the doorbell sounded insincere.

I'm giving up.

I mean, I'm not supposed to sell real estate.

Obviously, I should change my name to Jolene

and open up a beauty parlor.

- Well, Jolene, before you quit, you should go to his house.

- And beat him to a pulp?

- Well, you could.

But you could also get an idea

of the kind of house he'd like

by seeing where he lives now.

It's like when I had to replace the legs

on the dining room table.

I couldn't figure which kind to use.

So, flashlight in my mouth,

I crawled underneath to have a look.

- And that helped?

- No, but I found a quarter in Dick's cuff.

- Well, I couldn't go over there now anyway,

Dick just took the car.

- I could drive you in my pickup.

- Oh, George, let's go.

- And on the way,

I'll tell you about the time I found a penny

in Dick's loafer.

See, I had to replace a leg on your bed so,

flashlight in my mouth,

I crawled underneath to have a look...

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Dave?

It's Joanna.

DAVE: Oh, hi, Joanna. How you doing?

- Fine.

I brought our handyman, George Utley, over with me.

DAVE: Nice to meet you, George.

- Nice to meet you, Dave.

DAVE: Thanks for stopping by.

- Anytime.

- Dave, we came over to see your house.

DAVE: Hope you liked it.

- We sure did.

- Dave, I'd like to see the inside of your house

so I have an idea what you're looking for.

DAVE: Oh. No, Joanna, you can't come in.

I'm not wearing...socks.

- I promise I won't look at you from the neck down.

[SHOES TAPPING ON FLOOR]

DAVE: So, uh,

anybody care for a soft drink?

GEORGE: You got any Tom Collins mix?

DAVE: Finished it off at breakfast.

I got no-salt seltzer.

GEORGE: No, I'm having that for dinner.

Got anything else?

DAVE: How about soup?

I got tomato, cream of mushroom--

JOANNA: Dave, Dave.

Could you turn on the lights?

DAVE: I knew you'd ask that.

- Dave.

This room is...

a little...

bizarro.

- It's no more bizarro than my shrine to Lee Meriwether.

But your space flows better.

- At least now I know what you like.

- Yeah.

You.

Wasn't it neat spending all those afternoons

driving around together?

- Yeah, neat.

You never wanted to buy a house, did you, Dave?

- Oh, sure I did!

I loved the one with the flagstone walkway.

- You said you hated flagstone.

- Wow, an entire bedroom set made out of flagstone.

Aren't you afraid that canopy is going to fall on your head?

- Dave, can you afford a house?

- Well, that depends.

Um.

[DROPS CHANGE INTO PIGGY BANK] Is $240,000 enough?

- You have $240,000 in my head?

- It's amazing how much money you can save

by not keeping the heat on day in, day out.

- You saved that money just by conserving energy?

- Yeah.

Also, my aunt left me $239,500 in her will.

- You know, Dave...

I know sometimes when a young man meets someone

who is kind of well-known and glamorous,

it's easy to be dazzled.

But there comes a time when you have to let go.

- Okay.

- I mean there's a grieving process that we all go through

when the beautiful love object of our dreams

slips out of reach.

- I've already let you go, Joanna.

Boy, you're really a little stuck on yourself, aren't you?

I get these crushes every couple of weeks.

Lately I've been getting tingly feelings about Sally Struthers.

- Well, now that you're moving on to Miss Struthers,

do you want me to take that mannequin off your hands?

- You really want a mannequin of me?

- Boy, you are stuck on yourself.

I'm going to glue Lee Meriwether's picture

over your face.

At least she's not an egomaniac.

- Thanks for Stephie-sitting, sir.

- Michael, have you and big Stephanie

finished inventory?

- Yeah, the total tally is five angels, 22 sponsors,

16 patrons and one cheap piece of dirt.

- That's Mr. Cheap Piece of Dirt to you.

[BABY CRIES]

- Oh, please wall up that wailing.

If you dry your ducts, darling,

Daddy will buy you a Bill Blass baby blankie.

[BABY STOPS CRYING]

Gadzooks, all I have to do is bribe her

like I do her namesake.

Hush hush, sweet Stephette.

There's a pair of itty-bitty Dijean booties in it for you.

[BABY GIGGLES]

Oh, Dickie, my little bundle can be bought.

- Honey, guess what?

I sold Dave a house!

- And all along I thought you became a real estate agent

just to see your name on bus benches.

- So, I guess I'm not just a fashion plate

with a fabulous face and figure after all.

- No, but you're becoming one heck of an egomaniac.

Honey, congratulations.

- Thanks.

- Neat, huh?

Dave sold me this cool Joanna-quin for $30 bucks.

- Highway robbery, George.

I could've sold you the original for $25.

[]

- Miaow.