Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Here's your French toast.

Eat it as fast as you possibly can.

- What's the rush, dear?

- I go on maternity leave

as soon as the breakfast dishes are done.

So let's chow down. Okay?

- Stephanie, let Mrs. Pesko enjoy her meal.

- Look, I give birth in a week

and I intend to pamper myself until then.

So the sooner she polishes off that French toast,

the sooner I get to soak in a tub

with cucumber slices on my eyes.

Still nursing those eggs, huh, Dick?

- Yeah, I like to linger over my yolks.

It soothes me.

Oh, and I wouldn't mind some fresh coffee.

- Oh, you just love to make a pregnant woman jump,

don't you?

- Why have we kept her on for six years?

- We're idiots.

- You two cuties up for a quick Q&A?

- Depends on the Q.

- Here's the quiz, kids.

What kind of parents do you think Stephanie and I will make?

You're up first, JoJo.

- Well, I think if you and Stephanie

can put aside your selfishness and realize that this baby

is going to be totally dependent on you

and will require constant guidance and--

- Cut! What a negative Nelly.

I should have prompted you first.

Here, think fun and read.

- "I think Michael and Stephanie

"will make absolutely wonderful parents."

- Thanks, Mrs. L.

That means so much coming from you.

Dick?

- [MUFFLED] I can't talk, I'm eating.

- Hey, George-man.

What kind of parents do you think Stephanie and I will make?

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely wonderful puppets.

Oh, sorry, parents.

- Thanks, G-sters.

That means so much coming from you.

- When will this be on TV?

- Never.

I'm putting together a tape

as a gift for my yet-to-be-born newborn.

- You better erase me.

I don't mind fibbing

to thousands of folks out in TV land,

but I could never lie to a baby that hasn't been born yet.

- The show will be on Wednesday after Jake and the Fatman.

- Great time slot.

I hope the camera doesn't put ten pounds on me,

like it does to Joe Penny.

- Hi Michael, are you asking everyone the big question?

- Well, I squeezed the correct answer out of Joanna and George,

but Dick's playing mute du jour.

- Dick.

- [MUFFLED] I can't talk while I'm eating.

- What about the others on your list?

- I've interviewed everyone except Dr. Grossman

and the scrub nurse,

but I figure I could nab them once we're in delivery.

- Do you actually think you're bringing that camera

into the delivery room?

- Well, how else can I capture

the slapping of our sapling's posterior for posterity, pookie?

- I forbid you to tape the birth of our baby.

- Why?

- There is a slim chance I won't look beautiful

when I'm in labor.

- But a lot of couples are doing it.

- So? A lot of couples go square dancing.

That doesn't make it acceptable behavior.

- Point well taken.

Wouldn't the two of you like to view a video

of my mama llama dropping our tottling?

BOTH: Can't talk, we're eating.

- Michael, look deep into my eyes.

What are they doing?

- Squinting.

- And what does that signify?

- That I'll be singing soprano if I don't watch my step.

- Now promise me

you will not bring that camera into the delivery room.

- But, Cuppers...

I promise, I will not bring this camera into the delivery room.

- Good.

You two have stuffed your faces long enough.

I'm officially on maternity leave.

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

- You do intend to keep your promise, don't you?

- Sorta.

[CHUCKLES]

You know what I got up here?

- You--you tell us.

- Plans, my friends, big plans.

- Do we have earthquakes in Vermont?

- Only when the Stones play the Civic Center.

- My body started rumbling and it scared me.

- Stephanie, you had your first contraction.

- I did? - But I didn't get it on tape.

- Shouldn't we be rushing to the hospital or something?

- Dick's right.

I can't give birth in a filthy disgusting dining room.

- I'll go start up the car.

- Let's take Dick's car in case I'm early and things get messy.

- So pregnant, and yet so practical.

- Stephanie, how are you feeling?

- I think I felt another earthquake.

- I-It must have been a-an aftershock.

- Where's Michael?

- He's in the cafeteria.

He was asking the guy who fills the cigarette machines

what kind of parents you'd make.

- Eww! [EXPELS BREATH] Huh!

I think I felt another one of those twingies.

- Contractions, Stephanie.

Don't you remember that word from Lamaze?

- Well, Michael and I didn't pay that much attention in class.

We were too busy giggling

at all the other mothers' godawful maternity outfits.

- Tsk, tsk. I mean, being pregnant is no excuse

for--for throwing all fashion sense out the window.

- Ain't that the gospel!

- You know, that last twingy smarted a little.

I hope this childbirth thing isn't painful.

- Well, I hear some women experience a teeny bit of agony.

- Well, that won't do at all.

Quick, I need comforting thoughts.

- Well, you know...

hang, uh, hang--hang in there.

- Hang in there?

Isn't that that stupid poster

of that mangy kitten doing chin-ups?

- Well yeah, but you know, the--the message is--is universal.

- Dick, it's a cliché.

- You're supposed to be a writer.

- I'm sorry I let you all down.

- Boy, you wouldn't think a neurosurgeon

would need 12 takes to get it right.

- Why is that camera in this room?

I thought I threatened you about that.

- Au contraire , Cuppers.

You threatened me about bringing this

into the delivery room.

- Oh, I'm getting my threats all mixed up.

I'm in labor, you know.

Ow!

I think that twingy was it.

People, it's now time for me to give birth

to the most beautiful baby ever born.

- I'll go get Don and Phil.

- The Everly Brothers?

- No, the orderlies.

- Darn!

- Hang in there.

- Oh, you're so sweet, Michael.

[♪♪♪]

- All right, listen up, crew.

We are at two minutes and counting,

so man your prenatal positions.

Hey Bud, no one's budging.

- No. They're on coffee break, Mikey.

- What? My pet's ready to pop.

When's it over?

- About an hour, Mikey.

- An hour coffee break?

- They got a strong union, Mikey.

- Enough with the Mikeys.

Look, I'm thrilled you guys could all be here

for my wife's birth, but time's a-ticking,

so how about you boychicks cut your break a bit

so we can get this damn thing on film?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- You've got to take that up with our union rep, Mikey.

- All right, fine, where is he?

- Right here, Mikey.

- Will you let these guys work through their break?

Hey, afterwards I'll buy everybody bagels.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

- And cream cheese?

- Yes.

BILL: Mike, ready for sound check.

- Okay, Bud, you're up. - Oh, okay.

[SCREAMS]

How's that for you, Bill?

BILL: Nice, Mikey. You want reverb on that?

- Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.

- Hey, get ready, she's coming.

She's coming! - Alright, everybody.

- Stephanie Gives Birth to the Most Beautiful Baby

Ever Born , take one.

Quiet, please.

On a bell.

[BELL RINGS]

Hurry up, action.

- What the hell are you doing?

You promised you wouldn't shoot this!

Ow.

- Actually Cuppers, I promised I wouldn't use my camcorder.

You didn't say anything about using three studio cams

and a crew of 15.

- Get out!

- Huh?

- You will have nothing to do with the birth of this baby.

- Cuppers, how about just two studio cams?

- Out!

[MICHAEL CRIES]

What are you all just standing around for?

- Mikey promised us bagels.

- And cream cheese.

- Out! Out! Out!

All of you, out.

You, wait.

Thank you.

Out! Out!

- Sorry it took so long,

but I had to wait for the heads to go down.

- Oh, that's okay.

We'd rather have flat beers

than those ones with the heads on them any day.

- Sure.

So, what are you drinking to?

- Oh, the wife kicked this pig out on his skin.

- Were you cheating on her?

- Heavens, no.

- You wanna?

- Heavens, no.

My prime-time pumpkin is moments away

from producing a spinoff.

- His--his wife's expecting a baby.

Uh, could we get some pretzels, preferably, you know,

stale ones to go with our--our flat beers?

- Sorry, we're out of stale pretzels.

I'll bring you stale popcorn.

[DICK CLEARS THROAT]

- How can my sweetums throw me out like that?

Was what I did for love so wrong?

- Michael, you brought 15 burly men

in-into that delivery room.

- You're right.

I guess I should have gone without the stunt double.

- It's on the house.

If Lucky, my boss, asks, you're a restaurant critic.

- Gotcha.

- Can I say something?

- Is it going to be a burp, George?

- Not yet.

When my cow, Lizanne, gave birth,

I was with her every step of the way.

Do you mind if I sit for the rest of this?

- No, George.

I'm sure it won't spoil the impact o-of your story.

- Anyway, when delivery time came,

Lizanne suddenly didn't want me around.

She started mooing and kicking at my head.

But I stood my ground

and I was there to see the birth of my--well, her child.

- George, maybe--maybe you better stop there.

You know, you have had half a beer.

Y-You don't want to betray a trust.

- Please, Dick, I wish to hear more.

Continue the yarn.

- The upshot is that even though Lizanne protested,

she did appreciate me being there.

- She--she told you that, did she?

- Let's just say she named her calf Farm Boy.

- Golly gee golly, if George can stand by his cow,

then yumping yiminy, I can stand by my wife.

Right, Dick?

- Can't talk, I'm eating.

- I'm going to zip over to that hospital

and help my little heifer with the birth of our calf.

Whoa, I should have never had that third sip.

- Yeah, that's the one that makes your knees wobble.

- If I drink any more,

I'm going to start telling you about my Lizanne.

- I guess in every man's life, there's a Lizanne, huh, Dick?

- No. No, Farm Boy, there isn't.

WOMAN: Paging Dr. Cake, Dr. John E. Cake.

Paging Dr. Cake, Dr. John E. Cake.

- Excuse me.

That mirror's at a bad angle. I can't see my face.

- It's angled so you can watch the birth of your baby.

- Oh. Why would I want to watch that

when I could look at something pretty?

- Some people think giving birth

is the most beautiful sight there is.

- Well, that's okay for some people,

for some dumb people, to be.

But some people ain't me.

Ew!

- Are you in pain?

- We Vanderkellens don't experience pain.

Unless you're talking about the painful burden of great wealth.

- Hi, Stephanie.

I thought you might need some support

since Michael won't be around.

- They wouldn't let you wear your sweater

over that gown, huh?

- I didn't ask, and they said no.

- Well, make yourself useful and adjust that mirror

so I can fix my hair.

- Stephanie, when you give birth,

it doesn't matter what you look like.

- Joanna, newborns are very impressionable.

I don't want mine frightened by unruly hair.

You might want to run a comb through that mess.

Eww.

I really felt that one. This is beginning to annoy me.

- I'll go get Dr. Grossman.

- You know, Stephanie, as the father of this child,

Michael really should be here.

- He was there for the conception.

He didn't think we needed a film crew then.

Eww!

- Look, Michael was just overly excited

about the birth of his child.

If he's guilty of anything,

it's that he loves you and the baby too much.

- Eww.

Is there any way to stop these things?

Breathe into a paper bag or something?

- Well, I hear we're ready to shoot out a baby.

- No. I've decided to hold it in

until we find my over-loving husband.

- Stephanie, you can't hold a baby in

if it's ready to come out.

- I'm a Vanderkellen, I can do anything I want.

- You also said a Vanderkellen doesn't feel pain

and you were wrong about that.

- Oh, is this really any of your business, Lucy?

- Look, the baby's a Vanderkellen too,

so if it wants out, it's coming out.

- But it's also half Harris.

I mean, maybe the Vanderkellen half

could talk the Harris half into staying inside.

Does that make sense to anyone?

- Not at all.

- Eww!

Joanna, I'm scared.

What if the baby doesn't like me?

- Oh Stephanie, there's no greater love

than the love a child has for his mother.

- That was very inspirational, Joanna.

You and Dick should write a book of clichés.

Michael!

- I'm here for you, my little beer nut.

- Okay Joanna, you can go now.

- Don't I even get a "Thanks for stopping by"?

- I'm in labor.

I don't have time to be my usual polite self.

Oh, all right.

Joanna, your hair doesn't look so bad.

- Thanks. Hang in there.

- I had to say something nice. She seemed so down.

- Hey doc, glad you popped in. We might have some work for you.

Is this Mrs. Doctor, Doctor?

- Eww.

Michael, this is not the time or place

for your Dean Martin impression.

- This is no impression. I had three sips of beer.

- Michael!

Well, right after this baby's born,

you are drying out at the Betty Ford Clinic.

You can stay in my father's suite.

- Eww.

- This looks like it.

- Good gourd, you mean our cot train is pulling in?

Oh, my petite Guernsey.

I'm so, so sorry about that little

lights, camera, contractions fiasco.

- Oh Michael, who cares?

Now what did we learn in that baby class?

- That most of the other parents drive cheap domestic cars.

- We really should have taken notes.

- Jump back, I do remember something else!

Pull, Steph, pull.

- That doesn't sound right.

- You know, pushing is another way to go.

- Push, Steph, push.

- Michael, is that a bead of perspiration on my forehead?

- Oh Lordy, it is.

You want me to clear the room before anyone else sees it?

- No, that won't be necessary.

I've decided it's okay if I perspire during labor.

- You'll do anything for this baby, won't you?

- Eww.

I feel it coming.

Quick, tilt the mirror down so I can see.

- Away from your face, Cuppers? Are you sure?

- Yes. It doesn't matter what I look like.

I want to see our beautiful baby come into this world.

- Oh, sweet pea, I don't know when I've loved you

as much as right now.

- Shut up and tilt the damn mirror down.

- You got it, my bellowing babe.

[SCREAMS]

Oh my God, the miracle of birth.

- I can see our baby.

- I can see it too, Steph.

I see a little bald head, with glasses.

- That's the doctor.

- You hear that, Steph? Our baby's a doctor.

- You're looking at Dr. Grossman.

- Oh muffin, you're giving birth to a Jewish doctor.

- Oh Michael, you're so stupid when you're drunk.

- My son, the Jewish doctor.

- Congratulations, it's a girl.

- My daughter, the Jewish doctor.

Oh Steph, aren't the two of us just so wonderful?

- No, Michael, the three of us.

- Oh Cuppers, I love you so.

- Oh, Michael!

Not in front of the kid.

[BABY CRIES]

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely wonderful parents.

- Oh, absolutely.

Michael and Stephanie will make wonderful parents.

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely wonderful parents.

- I think that Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely wonderful parents.

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely wonderful parents.

Can I go now?

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!