All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E12

[♪♪♪]

- Here's your French toast.

Eat it as fast
as you possibly can.

- What's the rush, dear?

- I go on maternity leave

as soon as
the breakfast dishes are done.

So let's chow down. Okay?

- Stephanie, let Mrs. Pesko
enjoy her meal.

- Look, I give birth in a week

and I intend to
pamper myself until then.

So the sooner she polishes off
that French toast,

the sooner I get to
soak in a tub

with cucumber slices
on my eyes.

Still nursing those eggs,
huh, Dick?

- Yeah, I like to
linger over my yolks.

It soothes me.

Oh, and I wouldn't mind
some fresh coffee.

- Oh, you just love to make
a pregnant woman jump,

don't you?

- Why have we kept her on
for six years?

- We're idiots.

- You two cuties
up for a quick Q&A?

- Depends on the Q.

- Here's the quiz, kids.

What kind of parents do you
think Stephanie and I will make?

You're up first, JoJo.

- Well, I think
if you and Stephanie

can put aside your selfishness
and realize that this baby

is going to be totally
dependent on you

and will require
constant guidance and--

- Cut!
What a negative Nelly.

I should have
prompted you first.

Here, think fun and read.

- "I think
Michael and Stephanie

"will make
absolutely wonderful parents."

- Thanks, Mrs. L.

That means so much
coming from you.

Dick?

- [MUFFLED]
I can't talk, I'm eating.

- Hey, George-man.

What kind of parents do you
think Stephanie and I will make?

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make
absolutely wonderful puppets.

Oh, sorry, parents.

- Thanks, G-sters.

That means so much
coming from you.

- When will this be on TV?

- Never.

I'm putting together a tape

as a gift for my
yet-to-be-born newborn.

- You better erase me.

I don't mind fibbing

to thousands of folks
out in TV land,

but I could never lie to a baby
that hasn't been born yet.

- The show will be on Wednesday
after Jake and the Fatman.

- Great time slot.

I hope the camera doesn't put
ten pounds on me,

like it does to Joe Penny.

- Hi Michael, are you asking
everyone the big question?

- Well, I squeezed the correct
answer out of Joanna and George,

but Dick's playing
mute du jour.

- Dick.

- [MUFFLED]
I can't talk while I'm eating.

- What about the others
on your list?

- I've interviewed everyone
except Dr. Grossman

and the scrub nurse,

but I figure I could nab them
once we're in delivery.

- Do you actually think
you're bringing that camera

into the delivery room?

- Well, how else can I capture

the slapping of our sapling's
posterior for posterity, pookie?

- I forbid you to tape
the birth of our baby.

- Why?

- There is a slim chance
I won't look beautiful

when I'm in labor.

- But a lot of couples
are doing it.

- So? A lot of couples
go square dancing.

That doesn't make it
acceptable behavior.

- Point well taken.

Wouldn't the two of you
like to view a video

of my mama llama
dropping our tottling?

BOTH:
Can't talk, we're eating.

- Michael, look deep
into my eyes.

What are they doing?

- Squinting.

- And what does that signify?

- That I'll be singing soprano
if I don't watch my step.

- Now promise me

you will not bring that camera
into the delivery room.

- But, Cuppers...

I promise, I will not bring this
camera into the delivery room.

- Good.

You two have stuffed
your faces long enough.

I'm officially
on maternity leave.

[MICHAEL LAUGHS]

- You do intend to keep
your promise, don't you?

- Sorta.

[CHUCKLES]

You know
what I got up here?

- You--you tell us.

- Plans, my friends, big plans.

- Do we have earthquakes
in Vermont?

- Only when the Stones
play the Civic Center.

- My body started rumbling
and it scared me.

- Stephanie, you had
your first contraction.

- I did?
- But I didn't get it on tape.

- Shouldn't we be rushing
to the hospital or something?

- Dick's right.

I can't give birth in a filthy
disgusting dining room.

- I'll go start up the car.

- Let's take Dick's car in case
I'm early and things get messy.

- So pregnant,
and yet so practical.

- Stephanie,
how are you feeling?

- I think I felt
another earthquake.

- I-It must have been
a-an aftershock.

- Where's Michael?

- He's in the cafeteria.

He was asking the guy
who fills the cigarette machines

what kind of parents you'd make.

- Eww! [EXPELS BREATH]
Huh!

I think I felt
another one of those twingies.

- Contractions, Stephanie.

Don't you remember
that word from Lamaze?

- Well, Michael and I didn't pay
that much attention in class.

We were too busy giggling

at all the other mothers'
godawful maternity outfits.

- Tsk, tsk. I mean,
being pregnant is no excuse

for--for throwing all fashion
sense out the window.

- Ain't that the gospel!

- You know, that last twingy
smarted a little.

I hope this childbirth thing
isn't painful.

- Well, I hear some women
experience a teeny bit of agony.

- Well, that won't do at all.

Quick, I need
comforting thoughts.

- Well, you know...

hang, uh, hang--hang in there.

- Hang in there?

Isn't that
that stupid poster

of that mangy kitten
doing chin-ups?

- Well yeah, but you know,
the--the message is--is
universal.

- Dick, it's a cliché.

- You're supposed to be
a writer.

- I'm sorry
I let you all down.

- Boy, you wouldn't think
a neurosurgeon

would need 12 takes
to get it right.

- Why is that camera
in this room?

I thought I threatened you
about that.

- Au contraire , Cuppers.

You threatened me
about bringing this

into the delivery room.

- Oh, I'm getting my threats
all mixed up.

I'm in labor, you know.

Ow!

I think that twingy was it.

People, it's now time
for me to give birth

to the most beautiful baby
ever born.

- I'll go get Don and Phil.

- The Everly Brothers?

- No, the orderlies.

- Darn!

- Hang in there.

- Oh, you're so sweet, Michael.

[♪♪♪]

- All right,
listen up, crew.

We are at two minutes
and counting,

so man your prenatal positions.

Hey Bud, no one's budging.

- No. They're on
coffee break, Mikey.

- What? My pet's ready to pop.

When's it over?

- About an hour, Mikey.

- An hour coffee break?

- They got a strong union,
Mikey.

- Enough with the Mikeys.

Look, I'm thrilled you guys
could all be here

for my wife's birth,
but time's a-ticking,

so how about you boychicks
cut your break a bit

so we can get this damn thing
on film?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- You've got to take that up
with our union rep, Mikey.

- All right, fine,
where is he?

- Right here, Mikey.

- Will you let these guys
work through their break?

Hey, afterwards
I'll buy everybody bagels.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

- And cream cheese?

- Yes.

BILL:
Mike, ready for sound check.

- Okay, Bud, you're up.
- Oh, okay.

[SCREAMS]

How's that for you, Bill?

BILL: Nice, Mikey.
You want reverb on that?

- Yeah, it wouldn't hurt.

- Hey, get ready,
she's coming.

She's coming!
- Alright, everybody.

- Stephanie Gives Birth
to the Most Beautiful Baby

Ever Born , take one.

Quiet, please.

On a bell.

[BELL RINGS]

Hurry up, action.

- What the hell are you doing?

You promised
you wouldn't shoot this!

Ow.

- Actually Cuppers, I promised
I wouldn't use my camcorder.

You didn't say anything about
using three studio cams

and a crew of 15.

- Get out!

- Huh?

- You will have nothing to do
with the birth of this baby.

- Cuppers, how about
just two studio cams?

- Out!

[MICHAEL CRIES]

What are you all
just standing around for?

- Mikey promised us bagels.

- And cream cheese.

- Out! Out! Out!

All of you, out.

You, wait.

Thank you.

Out! Out!

- Sorry it took so long,

but I had to wait
for the heads to go down.

- Oh, that's okay.

We'd rather have flat beers

than those ones with
the heads on them any day.

- Sure.

So, what are you drinking to?

- Oh, the wife kicked this pig
out on his skin.

- Were you cheating on her?

- Heavens, no.

- You wanna?

- Heavens, no.

My prime-time pumpkin
is moments away

from producing a spinoff.

- His--his wife's expecting
a baby.

Uh, could we get some pretzels,
preferably, you know,

stale ones to go
with our--our flat beers?

- Sorry, we're out of
stale pretzels.

I'll bring you stale popcorn.

[DICK CLEARS THROAT]

- How can my sweetums
throw me out like that?

Was what I did for love
so wrong?

- Michael, you brought
15 burly men

in-into that delivery room.

- You're right.

I guess I should have gone
without the stunt double.

- It's on the house.

If Lucky, my boss, asks,
you're a restaurant critic.

- Gotcha.

- Can I say something?

- Is it going to be
a burp, George?

- Not yet.

When my cow, Lizanne,
gave birth,

I was with her
every step of the way.

Do you mind if I sit
for the rest of this?

- No, George.

I'm sure it won't spoil
the impact o-of your story.

- Anyway,
when delivery time came,

Lizanne suddenly
didn't want me around.

She started mooing
and kicking at my head.

But I stood my ground

and I was there to see the birth
of my--well, her child.

- George, maybe--maybe you
better stop there.

You know, you have had
half a beer.

Y-You don't want to
betray a trust.

- Please, Dick,
I wish to hear more.

Continue the yarn.

- The upshot is that even though
Lizanne protested,

she did appreciate me
being there.

- She--she told you that,
did she?

- Let's just say
she named her calf Farm Boy.

- Golly gee golly,
if George can stand by his cow,

then yumping yiminy,
I can stand by my wife.

Right, Dick?

- Can't talk, I'm eating.

- I'm going to zip over
to that hospital

and help my little heifer
with the birth of our calf.

Whoa, I should have never had
that third sip.

- Yeah, that's the one
that makes your knees wobble.

- If I drink any more,

I'm going to start telling you
about my Lizanne.

- I guess in every man's life,
there's a Lizanne, huh, Dick?

- No. No, Farm Boy,
there isn't.

WOMAN: Paging Dr. Cake,
Dr. John E. Cake.

Paging Dr. Cake,
Dr. John E. Cake.

- Excuse me.

That mirror's at a bad angle.
I can't see my face.

- It's angled so you can watch
the birth of your baby.

- Oh. Why would I
want to watch that

when I could look at
something pretty?

- Some people
think giving birth

is the most beautiful sight
there is.

- Well, that's okay
for some people,

for some dumb people, to be.

But some people ain't me.

Ew!

- Are you in pain?

- We Vanderkellens
don't experience pain.

Unless you're talking about the
painful burden of great wealth.

- Hi, Stephanie.

I thought you might
need some support

since Michael won't be around.

- They wouldn't let you
wear your sweater

over that gown, huh?

- I didn't ask,
and they said no.

- Well, make yourself useful
and adjust that mirror

so I can fix my hair.

- Stephanie,
when you give birth,

it doesn't matter
what you look like.

- Joanna, newborns
are very impressionable.

I don't want mine
frightened by unruly hair.

You might want to run a comb
through that mess.

Eww.

I really felt that one.
This is beginning to annoy me.

- I'll go get Dr. Grossman.

- You know, Stephanie,
as the father of this child,

Michael really should be here.

- He was there
for the conception.

He didn't think
we needed a film crew then.

Eww!

- Look, Michael
was just overly excited

about the birth of his child.

If he's guilty of anything,

it's that he loves you
and the baby too much.

- Eww.

Is there any way
to stop these things?

Breathe into a paper bag
or something?

- Well, I hear we're ready
to shoot out a baby.

- No. I've decided
to hold it in

until we find
my over-loving husband.

- Stephanie,
you can't hold a baby in

if it's ready to come out.

- I'm a Vanderkellen,
I can do anything I want.

- You also said a Vanderkellen
doesn't feel pain

and you were wrong about that.

- Oh, is this really
any of your business, Lucy?

- Look, the baby's
a Vanderkellen too,

so if it wants out,
it's coming out.

- But it's also half Harris.

I mean, maybe
the Vanderkellen half

could talk the Harris half
into staying inside.

Does that make sense to anyone?

- Not at all.

- Eww!

Joanna, I'm scared.

What if the baby
doesn't like me?

- Oh Stephanie,
there's no greater love

than the love
a child has for his mother.

- That was very
inspirational, Joanna.

You and Dick should write
a book of clichés.

Michael!

- I'm here for you,
my little beer nut.

- Okay Joanna, you can go now.

- Don't I even get
a "Thanks for stopping by"?

- I'm in labor.

I don't have time to be
my usual polite self.

Oh, all right.

Joanna, your hair
doesn't look so bad.

- Thanks. Hang in there.

- I had to say something nice.
She seemed so down.

- Hey doc, glad you popped in.
We might have some work for you.

Is this Mrs. Doctor, Doctor?

- Eww.

Michael, this is not
the time or place

for your Dean Martin impression.

- This is no impression.
I had three sips of beer.

- Michael!

Well, right after
this baby's born,

you are drying out
at the Betty Ford Clinic.

You can stay
in my father's suite.

- Eww.

- This looks like it.

- Good gourd, you mean
our cot train is pulling in?

Oh, my petite Guernsey.

I'm so, so sorry
about that little

lights, camera,
contractions fiasco.

- Oh Michael, who cares?

Now what did we learn
in that baby class?

- That most of the other parents
drive cheap domestic cars.

- We really
should have taken notes.

- Jump back, I do remember
something else!

Pull, Steph, pull.

- That doesn't sound right.

- You know, pushing
is another way to go.

- Push, Steph, push.

- Michael, is that a bead of
perspiration on my forehead?

- Oh Lordy, it is.

You want me to clear the room
before anyone else sees it?

- No, that won't be necessary.

I've decided it's okay
if I perspire during labor.

- You'll do anything
for this baby, won't you?

- Eww.

I feel it coming.

Quick, tilt the mirror down
so I can see.

- Away from your face, Cuppers?
Are you sure?

- Yes. It doesn't matter
what I look like.

I want to see our beautiful baby
come into this world.

- Oh, sweet pea, I don't know
when I've loved you

as much as right now.

- Shut up and tilt
the damn mirror down.

- You got it, my bellowing babe.

[SCREAMS]

Oh my God,
the miracle of birth.

- I can see our baby.

- I can see it too, Steph.

I see a little bald head,
with glasses.

- That's the doctor.

- You hear that, Steph?
Our baby's a doctor.

- You're looking at
Dr. Grossman.

- Oh muffin, you're giving birth
to a Jewish doctor.

- Oh Michael, you're so stupid
when you're drunk.

- My son, the Jewish doctor.

- Congratulations, it's a girl.

- My daughter,
the Jewish doctor.

Oh Steph, aren't the two of us
just so wonderful?

- No, Michael, the three of us.

- Oh Cuppers, I love you so.

- Oh, Michael!

Not in front of the kid.

[BABY CRIES]

- I think
Michael and Stephanie

will make absolutely
wonderful parents.

- Oh, absolutely.

Michael and Stephanie
will make wonderful parents.

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make
absolutely wonderful parents.

- I think
that Michael and Stephanie

will make
absolutely wonderful parents.

- I think Michael and Stephanie

will make
absolutely wonderful parents.

Can I go now?

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!