Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- Stephanie, are those headphones?

- Actually they're womb phones.

- Womb phones?

- Why? See, yesterday there was this German psychologist

on that gab show Frankly Female .

I taped it by accident.

- Like you accidentally tape The Bold and the Beautiful

every day?

- I on--I only watch it for the bold stuff.

- Anyway, this German expert said that children in the womb,

or womb kinder,

can actually hear sounds before they're born.

- A-And what are th-the young kids listening to these days?

- Oh, Mother Goose and that Sesame Seed stuff.

- But not our little bittle.

- The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump?

- Today's tikes are tomorrow's tycoons.

- Stephanie, I think you're putting

too much pressure on the baby.

- You should feel what it's doing to my bladder.

- Zounds, this bad boy better blow.

Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.

Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.

- Hardest working grocery clerk in Vermont.

- Cans on the bottom, eggs on top.

Cans on the bottom...uh, what's on top?

- Eggs. - Right.

- Restless night, George?

- Oh, I've been tossing and turning a lot lately.

It's this recurring nightmare I keep having

over and over and over again.

- Yeah, recurring nightmares are better, you know,

when you only have them, like, once.

- What's it about?

- Well, I'm standing on this really high cliff,

surrounded by a blueish fog, just like in those rock videos,

only I'm not wearing spandex pants.

- Yeah, that--that would be a nightmare.

- A glittery figure is standing behind me, whispering,

"Jump, George, jump,"

and just as I turn to see who it is,

I'm pushed off the cliff into the unknown.

I start falling and just when I'm about to hit the ground,

boing, I wake up.

- That's because if you hit the ground, you'd die.

And they say, you know, if you die in your dreams,

that y-you really die.

- I didn't know that.

- Well, you know, it's just what they say.

- Well, they wouldn't say it if they didn't mean it.

- George, trust me, you don't have to worry

about dying in your sleep.

- You bet I don't, 'cause I'm never going to sleep again.

[WHISTLES]

Anybody want coffee?

It's caffeinated.

- I think--think I'll pass, George.

Normally, I--I love a big jolt of caffeine, you know,

just--just before bedtime.

- You're not really planning to stay up forever?

- Why not?

Maybe man doesn't really need sleep.

- Probably just a lazy habit that he's gotten used to.

- I knew you'd mock me.

- "George Utley to stay awake for the rest of life.

"Dick Loudon expected to mock him."

Boy, the new editor's really on top of things.

- Nice old photo of you with your watermelon.

- Oh, thanks.

That was taken the night of my senior prom.

I tried to get a date.

[JOANNA SIGHS]

- Is this a schedule?

- Yeah. Some of my pals are taking turns

coming over to keep me awake.

- You have me down for the 5 a.m. shift.

- Well, goodnight, George. I'm off to bed.

Sweet--hmm, never mind.

- Hi, I'm Larry.

This is my brother Darryl,

and this is my other brother Darryl.

- Hey, my first shift is here.

- We come bearing gifts.

Not unlike three wise men on another special night.

- I gather you bring gold, frankincense and myrrh?

- Oh Dick, you gather incorrectly yet again,

though you did happen to name two of our accountants.

- Gold and Myrrh?

- No, Frank and Incense.

A thermos of warm milk, your favorite bedtime stories,

and Burl Ives' Christmas album.

- I-I thought the object was to keep George awake.

- That's where these come in.

Nice sharp knitting needles.

- George, listen. I-I hate to tell you this.

I know, you know, you're scared,

but, I mean, you-you've got to sleep.

Ah!

- You made your point, and now Darryl has made his.

- Guess I can sleep on my stomach.

- It looks like your brothers

have had enough excitement for one evening.

- They've never been ones for small talk.

That's why they continually refuse to attend

Mary and Swifty Lazar's post-Oscar party at Spago's.

- You know, Larry, we've known each other a long time.

I'll bet we have a lot in common.

- Like what?

- Well, we both wear hats.

- Hey, you're right.

Want to switch?

- Okay.

- Want to switch back? - Okay.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hop. Hop.

Hop. Hop. Hop.

[♪♪♪]

Hop. Hop.

Hop. Hop. Hop.

- Morning, Dick.

You remember Miss Goddard, the town librarian.

- Hop on!

There's always room for another cute boy bunny.

- And Mr. Rusnak, Circus of Shoes.

- Touch my hips and die.

- And me, you know me.

- Not anymore, George.

- Hey, you're early for your shift.

This is bunny-hopping time.

- George, the '50s were bunny-hopping time.

Four a.m. is--

sleeping time.

- It's guys like you who killed the hustle.

- Why don't you take this hopathon back to your place?

- And wake my elk?

- You keep an elk in your apartment?

- I've got two bedrooms.

- Well, then you've got the room.

G-George, your bunny hopping i-is waking up the entire inn.

[SNORING]

- Larry and the guys don't mind the noise. Eh?

Larry says they chase cars in their sleep.

- I've seen them do it awake.

- Pin on the top, boys.

Time for another bunny hop sandwich!

[MUSIC STARTS AGAIN] - No! No sandwich.

Everyone out of here and--and go to sleep.

- If George sleeps, he dreams.

If he dreams, he dies.

Is that what you want, Loudon?

- Miss Goddard, you're an educated woman.

Tell George it-it's just an old wives tale.

- Oh George, I don't want you to die!

- I don't want me to die either.

- It's moments like these that make me wish

God had given me emotions.

- It's moments like these

that make me question this town's sanity.

- If I have to die, I want to die a hero's death,

like fixing a TV antenna in the middle of a thunderstorm,

not like some cartoon coyote falling off a cliff.

- Pardon me, but Wile E. Coyote never actually dies.

The impact just forces his legs into his head

and he walks around all squished up for a few minutes.

- Well, I don't want that to happen either.

- Well, maybe you could try flapping your arms

before you crash, like this.

- That'll work.

- Oh, I don't know.

My arms aren't as mighty as yours.

I better just stay awake.

- Perhaps I could provide some alluring diversions.

- Hey! No diversions in my inn.

George, I'm, uh, I-I'm worried about you.

I mean, b-bunny hopping a-at four in the morning.

I-I think--I think you need professional help.

- From Arthur Murray?

- No, from Dr. Mary Kaiser. - [ALL GASP]

- Dick! Everybody knows

no Utley has ever been to a psychiatrist.

- Well, you know, I knew no Utley

had ever been to a chiropractor.

- You think that I need a shrink?

I thought you were my friend.

- Look, George.... - I'm not finished.

Or was I?

I guess maybe I was.

- George-- - No, no, there's more.

You may think I'm confused,

but there are two things I'm absolutely sure of.

One is that I don't need therapy.

- An-And what's the other one?

- I bunny hop or I die.

- Come on, George. Grab my hips and live.

- Hop. Hop.

Hop. Hop. Hop.

[♪♪♪]

Hop. Hop.

Hop. Hop. Hop.

- There you go.

Hope you, uh, enjoyed--enjoyed your stay.

- Right.

That's why I'm checking out at 7 a.m.

I'll hop, hop, hop over to the Ramada and get some sleep.

- I-I-I wish you'd give us a-another shot.

This--this really is a very peaceful little inn.

[ELECTRIC SAW WHIRRING]

- You know, Dick?

I can't help noticing this wall doesn't do anything

except hold up those pictures.

- And the fireplace and the ceiling

a-and the big support beam that supports everything in the inn.

- I don't care. I'm taking her down.

- George, George!

You've been awake for 32 hours.

You're tired, very tired.

Give me the saw. Turn it off first!

George, why don't you just busy yourself w-with something else?

- There is that leaky gas line in the basement.

I'll get my blowtorch.

- George...

why don't you just tinker?

- Yeah, I can tinker. I can tinker better than anyone.

Don't sleep, tinker. Don't sleep, just tinker.

Tinker.

- Morning.

- Oh hi, I was just coming up to wake you.

- A simple tap on the shoulder would have sufficed.

- Some-something wrong?

[SIGHS]

- The womb phones double crossed us.

We thought Trump was teaching our baby

how to use strong-arm tactics

to wangle other babies out of their millions.

- But the tape wasn't playing.

All this time, the recorder was switched to radio, AM radio.

- To a country western station.

BOTH: Eww!

- Oh God, right now, our child is doing a two-step.

- Well, it certainly has womb to dance.

- Nice, Dick.

A pathetic pun during our moment of crisis.

- Oh, don't listen to Dick. I don't.

Why don't the two of you go get some breakfast?

- Well, I suppose a nice bowl of grits would help--

Michael, did you hear what I said?

I said grits, what's happening to me?

- It's the demon hayseed inside you.

- Oh Michael, please promise me

we won't have to move to the Ozarks.

- I wish I could, Steph, but I cain't.

- Oh!

[RANDOM BANGING WITH HAMMER]

- That, uh, that wall been bothering you too, George?

- Oh no, I like this wall. These are just love taps.

- Oh! Dick, Dick.

- Yeah, all right,

I better call for an appointment with Dr. Kaiser.

- You want to make one for me too?

- The, uh, the receptionist said that Dr. Kaiser'd be right out.

- Yeah, as soon as she revs up her atomic brain machine.

- She--she doesn't use machines, George.

She--she just--she just talks.

- Okay, but she better not get personal.

- That's--that's her job, George.

Don't--don't you understand the concept of therapy?

- No. Maybe I don't.

Or maybe you're just transferring hostility

to avoid confronting your own feelings of inadequacy.

- Hello. You must be George.

- It's like she's undressing my mind with her eyes.

- And Dick, I haven't seen you

since that marriage counseling group last year.

And how is your lovely ex-wife, Joanna?

- We're--we're still married.

- Ah. [CHUCKLES] Lost that bet.

And now, if you don't mind.

- Oh right, I'll just, I'll, uh, wait...outside.

- Well then, where shall we start?

- I don't want to die!

- Let's start there. Would you like to lie down?

- Okay.

[STUTTERS]

I see your little game.

I lie down, all my change falls between the cushions.

- You found me out, George.

- Oh, that ain't going to happen, lady.

- I think what we should do is have you close your eyes, relax,

and describe your dream to me.

- Well, I'm standing on this cliff.

- And you're covered in a hazy sort of bluish fog?

- How did you know?

- I read it in the paper.

And that glittery figure is standing behind you.

- Uh-huh, and it's about to push me off.

- Let it, George. Let it. - I don't want it to.

Too late!

I'm falling...falling... falling...falling...

- George. - Falling...falling...falling.

- Can you hear me, George? - Falling, falling...

- George. - I'm still falling...

falling...falling...falling...

Where am I?

PEGGY FLEMING: Johnnycake Pond.

- Oh, yeah.

And that's Johnnycake Cliff.

PEGGY FLEMING: You're right.

You see? You didn't die.

You did land in the water though.

- Oh yeah, I was wondering why my shorts were sticking to me.

Are you God?

PEGGY FLEMING: No.

- Are you God's wife?

PEGGY FLEMING: No.

But I am world renowned figure skater Peggy Fleming.

- You are Peggy Fleming!

And that's that glittery outfit you wore at Grenoble France

when you were the figure skating champion

in the 1968 Winter Olympics!

- Oh George, you're making me blush.

- Hey, you're the one who keeps pushing me off that cliff.

What the heck's wrong with you?

- Well, I'm doing it to help you get over your fear.

- Of dying?

- No, of swimming.

- Swimming?

Oh, that's right. I never learned how.

Hey, you know, the kids used to tease me

because I wouldn't jump off that cliff.

- Well, no one's ever going to tease you again.

- Why, are you going to run over their feet

with your ice skates?

- No. I'm just here to remind you

that swimming lessons begin at your local YMCA next week.

- Oh yeah, I keep seeing that flyer in the hardware store.

Wait a minute!

Wouldn't this dream have more impact

if you were a swimmer?

- This is your dream, not mine, George.

- Good point.

You want to do a little skinny dipping?

- This dream is over, George.

But remember, it's never too late to learn to swim.

It's never too late to learn to swim.

- It's never too late to learn to swim.

Never too late to learn to swim.

Never too late to learn to swim.

Never too late to learn to swim.

- "Heaven's too great to spurn within."

That's it.

I believe that George has finally learned

to face his fears

by seeing death more as a passage than as an end.

- I thought he was saying "Never too late to learn to swim."

- No, no, no, no, no.

That's why I have this wall of diplomas.

Anyway, I'm free now

if there's anything you would care to discuss.

- A-Actually there is. There is something.

Do you ever have the feeling that you're the only sane person

in--in a town full of crazies?

- Is that how you feel?

- All the time.

- I see.

Well, my appointment book is in the outer office.

Why don't I just go and put you down for, oh,

every day next week.

- Oh no, see--see, I can't afford, uh...

- Where's George?

We brought him some Retin-A cream.

Not sleeping is like putting out a welcome mat for wrinkles.

- And tell him it's very expensive.

He should only use it on the parts of his body that show.

- Actually, George's sleeping problems are over.

- Deja-coincidence.

So are our womb phone woes.

- Weally?

- If our little dogie wants to be a C&W singer,

that's OK-Corral with us.

- Although I still won't do a mother-daughter thing

like the Judds.

- You know, I--I think you've grown as people.

- I wouldn't say that. - I don't think so, do you?

- You realize how much money there is in country?

I mean, our little coal miner's daughter--or son--

has the potential to rake in bazillions.

- Come on, Michael,

I'll cook you up a mess of corn pone and heap of crawdads.

- Jambalaya!

- Oh Stephanie, you forgot your wrinkle cream.

- Why don't I just leave it there, Joanna?

And later, when you're all alone...

I'm sure you'll do the honorable thing.

- Well, that does it.

I don't care if their kid's album goes platinum,

I'm not going to buy it.

You don't...think I need this, do you, honey?

- You know, I think George missed the wall over here.

[LAUGHTER]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!