Original subtitles

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- No Michael, if it's a boy, I refuse to name him Bradley.

- Why, Cuppy?

- My first boyfriend's name was Bradley

and I still haven't forgiven him for breaking our date.

Just because of that stupid appendectomy.

What's come over you?

You used to remember every detail of my life.

- I know, there was a time I had every muffin moment memorized.

Bad brain, bad, bad!

- Uh, this book is useless.

There are no names in here.

- Fifty Thousand Names for Your Baby.

- Come on, there are a lot of nice names out there.

If it's a girl, I've always liked the name Beverly.

- We can't name her Beverly.

The book says that's a Gaelic term

meaning "from the beaver meadow."

- How about a nice solid name like, um...Avery?

- Avery?

- What does it mean?

- "Ruler of the elves."

- That's fine, Dick,

if I give birth to a leprechaun.

- Every father's nightmare.

- Why do we talk to Dick and Joanna?

- Because you don't have any friends.

- She's got a point there. - It's true.

- I've always been partial to the name Chrissy.

- Oh, right, like I'm going to name my child

after the dumb one on Three's Company .

- Hey Dick, Joanna, guess what I found?

- A woman's wallet?

- Gee, you sure know how to blow a guessing game.

- Whose, uh, whose wallet is it, George?

- Beats me.

- Have you given any thought to opening it?

- That would be a federal offense.

- George, I-I think you're confusing

opening a person's wallet with opening a person's mail.

- Oh.

What if there's a letter in here?

- Then it's jail. - Oh, God.

- I'm sure it would be okay if you took a peek.

- Katherine Sutter.

Gee, she's pretty.

A nice picture for a driver's license.

It's not scary like yours, Dick.

- I had the flu that day, George.

- Looks like Katherine had breakfast this morning

at the Summit Ski Lodge.

- That's probably where she's staying.

- She had bacon and eggs.

I had bacon and eggs!

Spooky coincidence, huh?

- A chill just went up my spine.

- A fishing license! Do you know what this means?

- She fishes?

- I have a fishing license too.

- Oh my God, this is too freaky.

- Be still, my heart. A Sears credit card.

She's perfect.

This is fate.

Dick, do you believe God meant for me to find this wallet?

- No, George.

- What about you, Joanna?

- Well, God does work in mysterious ways.

After all, he did create Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

George, when you call her up about the wallet,

feel out the situation.

Maybe this could turn out to be something.

- Gee, I hope so.

I mean, Katherine and I have so much in common.

- This--this is ridiculous.

I mean, what if she's married?

Wh-What if she has a-a fiancé in tow?

What if she's a-an axe murderer? - JOANNA: Oh!

- Boy, those are good questions.

- Joanna: Hebrew for "God's gracious gift."

What a wonderful book.

- So what should I ask first?

- Something like, "Is--is Katherine Sutter there?"

- Damn, you're good.

Thanks for being here.

- Don't mention it, George, to--to anyone.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Is Katherine Sutter there?

They're ringing her room.

- God, I can hardly breathe.

- Is this Katherine Sutter?

Hi, this is George Utley.

I think I found your wallet.

Yeah, I was pretty excited about it too.

Can I ask you a few personal questions

to make sure it's yours?

She said yes.

What do I ask?

- Ask her her address.

Most people know, you know, where they live.

- Yeah.

Could you please give me your address?

[EXCITEDLY] She knows where she lives.

What do I ask next?

- Ask if she knows when her fishing license expires.

- Do you have any-- what kind of a question is that?

You lost your fastball, Dick.

I'll take it from here.

Did your husband know your wallet was missing?

See, that's a very clever way of finding--

- I know, George.

- You're single?

Hot diggity.

Hot diggity.

Did your fiancé in tow know your wallet was missing?

There's no fiancé in tow.

Do you own an axe?

She thinks these are really dumb questions.

- She's right.

- Katherine, I have a confession.

All these dumb questions,

well, they were my friend Dick's.

You'll meet him when you pick up your wallet

at the Stratford Inn.

Great.

Bye.

I can't believe it! She's coming over!

- She wants her wallet.

- Heather.

BOTH: No.

- Mendell.

BOTH: Oh, no.

- What are you doing? - Isn't it obvious, JoJo?

We've hired Merritt White,

the much-touted baby naming consultant.

He's here to analyze our auras

and help us select the perfect name for our bundle-o-baby.

- There's been a resurgence of a name

I find enormously appealing.

It has a certain je ne sais quoi .

- Do tell. Do tell.

- Klara.

- Klara?

That's an old lady's name.

- This Klara begins with a "K."

- Eww.

- That's a negative, oh namer of names.

- I've already supplied you with three superb names

and you rejected them all.

I suppose I must resort to tactile communication.

- If--if you must, you--you must.

- Avery.

- Avery.

- Hmm.

- You hated Avery. They hated Avery.

- And we still do.

I'm sorry, but that name would only work

if I were giving birth to an elf child.

- And she's not.

- Darn.

Betty.

- Excuse me, oh master of monikers,

but that's the name of Barney Rubble's wife.

- I did not say Betty.

I said Beddy, B-E-D-D-Y.

- As in beddy-bye?

- I can't continue.

There is too much negative energy in this room.

- Oh, Mr. White, please don't go.

We'll send Dick out of town.

- The damage is done.

You'll get my bill in the mail.

- Thanks a lot, Dick.

My wife's out-to-here pregnant

and you've insulted the best name man in the business.

- Michael, I'm frightened.

Our child won't have a name.

We can't call the poor thing Baby It.

- It Harris. I could live with It!

- She's here.

I just saw the cab pull up.

Do I look okay?

- Oh, very dapper, George.

- Do you think I should have worn my overalls?

Denim does drive the ladies to distraction.

- You must be George.

Thank you.

Would you excuse me?

I just need to pay the driver.

- I guess that's Katherine.

- I am so glad you found this.

You know, I thought it was in my back pocket the whole time.

You'd think I would have felt it missing.

- So...are you enjoying your stay in Vermont?

- Oh, it's great, especially the fishing.

I hate to brag, but I did reel in the catch of the day.

You wouldn't believe the size of my bass.

- Pretty, uh, pretty big, huh?

- George, if you're not busy,

maybe you'd like to have dinner with me.

My treat. - Oh, uh, wh--

- I guess that's a yes.

Well, it was very nice meeting both of you.

- It was nice meeting both--

it was nice meeting you too.

- Have a nice time.

- Thank you.

- Sweet--sweet, sweet girl.

- Yeah.

- Did you notice the size...

- No. - Neither did I.

- Morning, Dick.

- Morning. Morning, George.

How--how--how'd it go with Katherine?

- I had a good time.

Did you, uh...did you like her?

- Yeah, she seemed like a nice girl.

- Did you think she was pretty?

- Beautiful! Beautiful, uh, face.

- Oh yeah, and beautiful eyes.

- Love-lovely skin.

- What a smile.

- Perfect--perfect teeth.

- I like her hair.

- Beautiful hair. Beautiful hair.

Pretty, uh, pretty, uh, highlights.

- And a very slim waist. - Beau--

Beau--uh, beautiful waist.

- Did you like her shoes?

- I think, uh, they--they might have been Italian.

- Really?

- That was the biggest rear end I've ever seen.

- Wasn't it?

I thought it was just me.

Do you think Joanna noticed

or is that something only we guys pick up on?

- This, uh, this sort of thing knows no gender, George.

- Oh. How could someone be so completely perfect

in every way and have such a big bum?

- So where, uh, where'd you go for dinner?

- The Drum and Musket family restaurant out on Route 14.

- Yeah, they--they have pretty big booths there, don't they?

- That's why I suggested it.

But I forgot that the seats were Naugahyde.

When she scooted in, it was like The Call of the Wild.

- We, uh, we should--we shouldn't be laughing.

- I know.

Then she wanted to go to the movies.

There were only two seats left in the middle of the row.

- Oh, that's fine for her, but where did you sit?

Oh, we're awful.

- Seats were fine once she got settled.

It was getting her out that was a little tricky.

We shouldn't be laughing.

- Oh, we're the worst.

- Just awful.

Dick, I really have a problem here.

- You've got a big problem.

- No, I'm serious.

There's a dance coming up at the Beaver Lodge

and if I brought Katherine, would the guys laugh?

- Of course not, George,

as long as you didn't dance cheek to cheek.

- A lot of help you are.

- Oh George, bottoms up.

Joanna, have you seen George?

I want to apologize for some jokes I made

about Katherine's big...figure.

- He's in his room changing for his date.

Katherine will be here any minute.

- Better warn the chairs.

- You know, I'm surprised you're acting like this

considering your own imperfections.

- Like--like what?

- Your laugh.

- What--what's wrong with my laugh?

- It's grating.

- My laugh is not grating.

If anything, it's--it's infectious.

- Yeah, right.

- Boy, sometimes, Joanna, you--you--you can be so cruel.

- Hi ho, amigo and amigette.

- We came by to let you bask in our happiness.

We're thoughtful that way.

- You two sure are in a good mood.

- Babe name prob solved.

- We went up to that big rock on Johnnycake Point

and looked within ourselves, you know, really, really deep.

- Well, we realized on our internal safari

that we can't just swing through the trees

randomly plucking a name as you would a banana.

- Not unless you name the baby Chiquita.

- Our baby will be named after one of the two people

we love and respect most,

the ones who had more impact on our lives

than anyone else in the whole wide world.

- Stephanie, if it's a girl.

- And Michael, if it's a boy.

- Did you really think they were going to name the baby

after one of us?

- D-Did you really want them to?

[IN UNISON] Eww.

- Where are you and Katherine going?

- Well, she wanted to go someplace exotic,

so I'm taking her to the Pachinquo Arcade

over at Johnnycake Corner.

- So you're--you're going to keep seeing Katherine?

- Yeah.

I spent the whole day mulling it over and heck,

she may have a big bottom,

but I've got an even bigger heart.

- She's lucky to--to have a guy as sensitive as you are, George.

- Thanks, Dick.

- Oh, please.

Katherine's big bottom couldn't possibly be as big

as your male egos. Ah!

- You know, I-I don't know what's come over Joanna.

She's--she's developed a mean streak.

- Hi, Katherine.

Why don't we sit and chat a little before we go?

- Okay.

- You know, I've thought about it,

and I just wanted to say

that I've decided to continue seeing you.

- George, I'm glad that you brought this up.

You are a very sweet man, but I've got to be honest,

I'm just not physically attracted to you.

- Hold the bus.

What do you mean, you're not physically attracted to me?

- I'm sorry, but that's just the way I feel.

- What's wrong with me?

- Nothing, really.

I mean, I'm sure there must be some women

who would like the way you walk.

- What's wrong with the way I walk?

- You...walk like a goon.

- A goon!

A goon?

- See, now I've made you feel bad.

Oh! I'm not even going to mention the other things.

Maybe I just better leave.

- I'd walk you to the door,

but I wouldn't want to offend you with my goony walk.

- I'm sure there must be some things about me

that don't appeal to you.

- Nothing comes to mind.

- Well, thanks again for returning my wallet.

- You're welcome.

By the way, your fishing license expires next month.

You better renew it.

- I will.

Bye, George.

- Bye, Katherine.

- George, where's--where's Katherine?

- She dumped me.

- Gee, I'm sorry, George.

- She said I had a goony walk.

- Goony?

Your walk is not goony.

In fact, if anything, it's a-- it's a very manly walk.

- Really?

- One of the manliest.

- You're right.

It's about the furthest thing from goony.

- What do women know?

Joanna thinks my laugh is grating.

- Grating? Why, it's--it's infectious.

- That's what I thought!

- I'd love to have a laugh like yours someday.

- Women can be-- they can be so superficial.

- Oh, tell me about it.

I'm living it.

Let's say we grab a brew down at the Drum and Musket,

just us guys?

- You're on, George.

You--you want me to drive?

- Or let's walk.

- Right, then I can watch your manly walk.

George, that's a--that's a wonderful walk.

How--how--how do you do it?

- Well, it's all in the neck, Dick. It's just...

See?

- I can't do it.

- There's that infectious laugh.

[APPLAUSE]

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- Meow!