All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E09

[♪♪♪]

- Joanna, have you seen George?

- George who?

- Utley.

- Oh, George Utley.

- Well, have you?

- Who wants to know?

- Joanna, are you trying to
tell me something?

[SIGHS]

- George is at the airport
picking up my Aunt Louise.

- Aunt Louise the psychopath?

- She's not a psychopath.
She's just whimsical.

- Right, and she whimsically
tried to blow up our wedding.

- You make so much
out of a little bomb scare.

- I mean, th-that woman
hates me.

- She doesn't hate you.

She just felt that you weren't
much of a...bargain.

Anyway, I thought
if she came for a visit,

that I could prove to her
that you are a...bargain.

Do you know
that after 19 years,

when I called her,
she actually cried?

- Well, maybe one of
her tear gas canisters

went off in her face.

- Hi and ho, Dick and Jo.

JOANNA: Hi, Michael.
Stephanie.

- Have you two ever heard of
a thing called a budget?

- I-Isn't that some sort of
a-a parakeet?

- No, Dick.
That's a budgie.

- Yeah, I know. See, that was
my--that was my funny answer.

- Yes, we've heard of a budget.

- Well, we hadn't
until this morning.

We were watching TV
and Darrin thought

that Samantha was spending
too much money,

so he put her on this budget.

But Endora felt that Samantha
should just twitch her nose

and not worry about finances.

So Endora and Darrin had it out

and then she turned him
into a hassock.

- Well, if a budget worked
for a witch and her husband,

I don't see why it wouldn't work
for the two of you.

- And we have fewer expenses
than Darrin and Samantha.

We pay zero for rent.
We live here free.

We pay zero for food.
We eat here free.

Zero for long distance calls.

We sneak in at night
after you're asleep

and use the phone for free.

- Then where does your money go?

- To buy clothes, of course.

You don't expect us
to wear yours.

[HORN HONKS]

Michael, that horn.

That's the unmistakable sound

of a brand-new
Rolls-Royce Corniche.

- Leaping lap of luxury, it is.

Oh, my God!

- Michael, you act like you've
never seen a Rolls before.

My parents buy a new one
every six months.

- I'm--I'm the same way
with underwear.

- It's not the coach,
it's the coachmen.

Larry, his brother Darryl,
and his other brother Darryl.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This--

- Michael has already
announced you.

- We'll let this one go,
but in future,

please refrain from such
unauthorized introductions.

- What are you guys doing
with a Rolls-Royce?

- We bought it
at the Rolls-Royce store.

- Cuppers, can we buy one too?

- Michael, we're on a budget.

- Darn it, I didn't know
a budget meant skimping.

- Well, cheer up.

Let's go eat some of
Dick and Joanna's food.

- How could you fellas afford
such an expensive car?

- Easy, we just liquidated
all our assets,

including home and café.

Of course, we had to
unshackle ourselves

from the unrealistic
budgetary guidelines

set forth by Darrin
and Samantha Stevens.

- Guys, if--if you put
all your money in the car,

h-how can you afford to eat?

- It appears we've made
a gross miscalculation,

but we'll muddle through.

Do you still have that brochure
on cannibalism?

[HORN HONKS]

That sounds like our doorbell.

I hope it's not another one of
those Jehovah's Witnesses.

- I like your car, guys.

- Thanks.

If we expire from malnutrition,
it's yours.

- All right!

- George, where's Aunt Louise?

- She's probably waiting outside
until that suitcase explodes.

- Aunt Louise!

- Dear, dear Margaret.

- It's Joanna.

- Ah, dear, dear Joanna.

You're just as lovely
as the day you were married.

- Well, obviously, you saw her

before the bomb squad dogs
sniffed her out.

- Well, I can see that you are
still in an angry place

about the little bomb scare.

Would you like to box my ears
or punch me right in the eye?

- Not really. I wouldn't mind
rapping your knuckles

for--for sending
Joanna's old boyfriend

up to the honeymoon suite.

- Brad Pettibone.
I'd almost forgotten about him.

- Listen, I can't blame you
for hating me and my pranks.

I tell you what, go ahead,
take your best shot.

- Put the glasses back on,
Aunt Louise.

- You want to hit me
with my glasses on?

Okay, sounds a little
sick to me, but go ahead.

- Aunt Louise, Dick
is not going to hit you.

- Oh! Listen, Dick,

I didn't think
you were going to forgive me

right off the bat.

When I did something
to spoil your wedding,

it was just because
I didn't think you were

much of a bargain.

I wanted the very best
for Joanna, and I mean,

who in his right mind
would have thought that was you?

- Geez, Louise, I--
I think I'm touched.

- Oh, apologizing
is so exhausting.

I think I'll take a nap.

- I'll show you to your room.

- Oh, good.

Feel free to pummel me
while I'm sleeping.

- What happened to
all that lobster

you and Joanna
were eating last night?

- We--we finished it.

- Gluttons.

- Little more coffee,
Aunt Louise?

- Just a whole cup, please.

You know, I ran across
one of your books last night

while I was settling in,

Old Lampshades:
More Than Just Party Hats.

- Yeah, that was my first
and only pop-up book.

- Yes, when I opened it,

it scared the bejeebees
out of me.

You know, Joanna, you've got
a very talented husband here.

He's a writer,
an innkeeper,

and an international
TV celebrity.

- Oh, I-I just host
a little local show.

- Well, you can't be
more than 70,

and I'm sure you'll find
your stride pretty soon.

Listen, I just remembered,

I brought you two
a wedding present.

George left it in the lobby.

[humming and scatting]

Listen, will you be here
when I get back?

- How--how long will you be?

- Ten seconds.

- Yeah, w-we'll hang out.

- Well, she really
seems to like you now.

- Yeah, I-I feel
a little guilty about

h-having her hauled in for
questioning after the wedding.

- Oh good, you're still here.

Well, you like it?

- A giant rectangle
wrapped in paper,

what's not to like?

- No, no, there's
something inside.

Open it.
- Oh, good.

- You recognize the couple?

- It's me...with
Benjamin Franklin.

- That's not Benjamin Franklin.
That's Dick.

- What's wrong with you, Joanna?

Don't you recognize
your own husband?

- Well, where do you
want to hang it?

- Well...
- Ah!

- I know--I know a very--a very
special place.

- Special place?

- You know, upstairs,

way, way, way at the end
of the hall

near the emergency exit?

Lots--lots of foot traffic.

- Only if we have
an air raid drill.

We're going to hang this
in the lobby,

right over the fireplace.

- Oh, perfect.

All your guests
can come and stare

at your rare luminescent beauty,
Joanna.

Then they can look at Dick.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This--

We've halted our introduction
due to the sight of a curious

new addition to your lobby.

- Yeah, Joanna's Aunt Louise
painted it.

- The artist has truly captured

the luminous quality
of your flesh tones.

Huh? I'll ask.

Darryl wonders what you're doing
with Angie Dickinson.

- Angie and I used to date
years ago.

- Really?

We've seen every episode
of her hackneyed

yet truly poignant series,
Police Woman .

- Yeah, I cut off all ties
after she made Big Bad Mama 2 .

- Darryl also considers
that a black mark

on an otherwise stellar career.

Anyway, we've solved
our cash flow problems.

It seems the masses in China
pay money

to have their pictures taken
in exotic cars.

We've embarked
on a similar venture

to the tune of
a buck a photo.

Ten bucks for nudies.

- I-I guess you'll--
you'll be moving to China?

- Shake a tail, shutterbugs.
We're losing the light.

- Who needs the Chinese masses
when we have Michael?

Come on, Darryl,

let's set up the baby spots
for the day for night shot.

- Hey, take a peep
at these Polaroids, Pop.

- Michael, is--is that you
spread-eagled on the hood

in tiger-print speedos?

- It's as skimpy as I could get

without popping
for the ten bucks.

The baby oil gives me
a rough-and-ready sheen,

don't you think?

- D-Definitely.

Michael, are these sad cries for
attention within your budget?

- If you don't tell
Steph about these,

I'll wash the speedos
and you can borrow them.

- Well, we're off
to the airport.

The car's all packed.

- Dick, I'm so glad
we reconciled.

Now I know you'll be there

when they drop my body
into the ground.

And if I'm lucky,

you'll be the first one
to shovel dirt in my grave.

- Well, thanks for leaving me
with such a-a lovely thought.

- Don't mention it.
Bye, now.

See ya. So long.

Toodles.
- Toodles!

God, Joanna looks so ridiculous.

- Seeing something
that beautiful

makes me know for sure
there's a God.

- Not a benevolent one.

- It's wrong for me to covet
that painting, isn't it?

- Y-You like it?

- Well, who wouldn't?
It's great art.

I can tell because the eyes
seem to follow you

wherever you go.

- George, since--since you're
such a connoisseur of fine art,

would, you know,
would you like to own this?

- Oh, I don't know.

Taking this masterpiece
from the Stratford

would be like
taking the Mona Lisa

from the Montpellier Museum.

- The, uh, the Mona Lisa's
in the Louvre.

- Right.

I was thinking of
the Venus de Milo.

- Of course! Well...

if you like it, George,
you--you can have it.

- Well, I couldn't take
a wedding gift.

What if I bought it?

- O-Okay.

Wh-What do you think it's worth?

- A masterpiece like that?
Five dollars?

- Sold.

- I have to tell you I was
prepared to go even higher,

as high as $5.50.

- I wouldn't want you to

dip into your
retirement fund, George.

- Boy, this is
going to look great

next to my Red Skelton
clown plates.

- I could have sworn I left
that book on the nightstand.

- George, what are you doing
with that painting?

- Dick just sold it to me.

For five bucks.

- Dick!

How could you sell
that painting?

It was a gift to both of us.

- I know, but George

really--really coveted
this--this piece of--of art.

- Oh, I wish I'd never come back
to find my copy of

Aunts Who Love Too Much.

I'm going to go take a nap.

- Well, what about your flight?

- How can I fly when my guts
have been torn out of my body

like my gallbladder was
last October?

- A-All right, maybe I had
a little lapse in judgment.

- Oh, shut up, Dick.

I should have married
Brad Pettibone

when I had the chance.

- What a mess!

How did I ever let you talk me

into buying
your wedding present?

- Maybe I'm the devil, George.

- I'm afraid I'm going to
have to return this.

- Want
your five dollars back?

- I thought it was $5.50.

- Maybe you're the devil,
George.

Joanna, don't you think
this silent treatment

is a little immature?

- And selling
my aunt's painting isn't?

- Oh, come on, you--
you can't honestly say

you like that thing.

- I love that thing.

- Sheesh!

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.
Just...sheesh!

- Well, fine.

First you sell
our wedding gift.

Now you're insulting my taste.
Jerk.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing. Just...jerk.

- Well, I finished
the formalwear shoot.

Say, Dick-bo...

would you happen to have
a gladiator outfit I can borrow?

- Darn, mine's in the shop.

I'm having it buffed.

Michael, don't you think
you're wasting

an awful lot of money

on--on something so--so
vain and frivolous?

- Are you guys
talking about me again?

- Caught us.

- Michael,
you have on eveningwear.

It's barely dusk.

- I know I usually wear my
after-six after six,

but tonight I was
feeling kind of--

It's no use.

I can't hide it
from my muffin PI any longer.

Here.

- [SIGHS] Oh, my God,
these are gorgeous.

I've never seen you
looking so sultry.

- L, D and D took them.
Only a buck a pop.

- What a steal.

But wait, there's something
wrong with these pictures.

I can't put my finger on it.

- Uh, you aren't in them?

- That's it.

Well, there's only one solution.

Dump them
and start from scratch.

- What--what about your budget?

- If God had wanted us
to be on a budget,

he wouldn't have made us
so photogenic.

- Amen.

- Can--can I help you?

- Thanks anyway, pal.

I've already had
my shoes shined today.

This is a lovely likeness
of Joanna,

but what's she doing
with Ben Franklin?

- She was a Founding Father
groupie.

Who--who are you?

- Brad!

Brad Pettibone,
oh, thank Allah you're here.

- I jetted up as soon as
I got your call.

Now--what sort of trouble
is Joanna having?

- Marital trouble.
Her husband is a monster.

He threatened to
pummel me in my sleep.

- The cad! I knew
the husband was no bargain.

I should have snuck Joanna
out of that bridal suite

when I had the chance.

- I thought I remembered you
from my honeymoon.

- I'm sorry,
I didn't catch the name.

- Dick Loudon.

- The husband
you'll be replacing.

- Oh, of course.

My, 19 years have taken
their toll on you, haven't they?

- I-I've been ill.
I-I ate some bad scallops.

- Brad Pettibone?

- My God, Joanna.

Every bit the vision
you were on our--

on your wedding night.

- What are you doing here?

- Wacky Louise sent for him.

- She told me the sad, sad news
of your marital breakup.

So, so sorry.

- Well, despite what
you've been told,

my marriage to Dick isn't over.

Yet.

- Let's not talk ugly.
We're too beautiful for that.

Let's talk about how your face
becomes more breathtaking

with every breath you take,
with every move you make.

- You always
could turn a phrase.

- And a stomach.

- Let's say
we jet down to Palm Beach

for a naughty weekend
of sun, fun, and me?

Shall we, Joanna?

- Well, I'd love to, Brad,
but I'm afraid I can't.

- Isn't she cute
when she's playing hard to get?

I taught her all that.

- What a proud moment
this must be in your life.

- What's the problem, my beauty?

- Well, Palm Beach
sounds wonderful,

but my hair is a mess
and my luggage is in the attic

and I'm sort of,
kind of, more or less,

for better or worse,
mostly worse, married to Dick.

- Why is it, my pet,

that so many fun times
are spoiled by wedlock?

- Tell me about it.

- Goodbye, my dream girl.

Let's not make it
another 19 years, shall we?

Goodbye, old girl.
We gave it a shot, didn't we?

- All is not lost, Brad.
Hang by the phone.

- Oh, by the by,
any idea how much

those three lads are charging
to pose by the Rolls?

- A buck a shot.

- Uh-huh. How about nudies?

- Ten bucks.
- Mm.

- Interesting.

Boys!

- Aunt Louise, I appreciate
what you tried to do.

- Yes, we-we're both very
grateful.

- I mean, I admit
Dick did a very stupid thing,

selling your painting.

He's not perfect
and God knows he never will be.

- Please, Joanna,
I think I'm going to cry.

- But I married him in spite of
all his shortcomings

and everyone's disapproval,

and he frequently
makes me happy,

so I guess I'm stuck with
what's-his-name here.

- I love you too, Joanna.

- It's obvious that you two
are crazy about each other.

Why do I do the things I do?

- Because you're
out of your mind.

- I suppose you're right.

Well, I'm going to take a nap.

- I-I'll be up to pummel you
in--in a little while.

- I'll leave the door unlocked.
[CLUCKS HER TONGUE]

- Joanna, if--if you hadn't been
married to me,

would you have flown
to Palm Beach w-with Brad?

- I think I'll take a nap too.

- My God, George was right.

[LAUGHTER]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!