Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[CLATTERING]

STEPHANIE: Stupid eggs!

- Honey, would you pass the rolls?

- Here you go.

[THUD]

STEPHANIE: Stupid bacon!

- Butter with that?

- No, I think I'll try marmalade.

I'm in that mood, you know?

[CLATTERING]

STEPHANIE: Stupid, stupid parsley!

- Excuse me, I'm not usually one to pry,

but is your maid possessed?

- No, no. That's just--just her cooking method.

She likes to intimidate the food.

- Actually there's a reason behind my squaw's squawks.

She's got the baby- in-the-belly hormone blues.

- She's eight months pregnant.

- Oh.

Oh!

- It's nothing to worry about.

Just treat her the way we do, pretend she's a live grenade.

- Here's your stupid bacon and eggs.

- I didn't order bacon and eggs.

I ordered pancakes.

- The pin is out of the grenade.

- Well, I didn't make pancakes.

I made bacon and eggs.

- But I don't like bacon.

- You will the way I made it.

I tenderized it.

I threw it against the wall.

- Stephanie, go make Mr. Jenkins his pancakes.

- Why? Because he asked for them?

Maybe now on, I should just go from table to table

asking everybody what they want.

- I'll just go to a restaurant,

and good luck on the birth of your child.

- Oh, drop dead.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

How could I have said that?

- No, it's okay. I understand.

- Don't you even think of touching me.

- I thought New Englanders were supposed to be nice and normal.

- Well, that'll teach you not to stereotype people.

- Stephanie, you were very rude to our guest.

- Get off my back, woman.

And knock off this "guest" sham.

You charge people to stay here.

- Give birth already!

Mr. Jenkins!

- Michael, why didn't you stick up for me?

- I was just trying to remain neutral, you know,

like Switzerland and.... [CLEARS THROAT]

Quick, Dick, what other country is neutral?

[HUMMING]

- Michael, I order you to take sides.

- You were totally in the right.

- Don't patronize me.

- You were totally in the wrong.

- Traitor.

- There was no correct answer, was there?

- L-Leave me alone.

- No offense, Michael,

but right now, I can't stand the sight of you.

Oh no, you're not going to cry, are you?

- I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to.

You would cry too if this happened to you.

- Why are you staring at me? - I-I'm not. I'm not.

- Well, your eggs are. - Sorry. Sorry.

Here's--here's a wacky idea.

Why don't--why don't you take my car a-and go shopping,

you know, get some fresh air a-and maybe y-your sanity back?

- You trying to get rid of me, buddy?

- I'd--I'd rather not answer that.

It sounds like--like one of y-your trick questions.

- Okay, maybe I will go shopping.

- [IN LOW VOICE] Yay.

- I'll drive over to Johnnycake Mall.

I just hope no stupid, stupid pedestrians get in my way.

- Wait, why don't--why don't I-I drive you over there?

You know, it'll give us a chance to talk some more.

- Oh, that'll be a thrill.

[MICHAEL COUGHING]

[SOBBING]

- Oh hi, Michael.

- Hi, George.

- Is something wrong?

- No. No, just playing a quick game of hide and whimper.

- Oh! Well, I hope you win.

- Hey there, Georgie boy. Wait.

There is something wrong.

- I thought so.

- My sweet and sour Steph yelled at me

and wounded me with her wicked words.

- She did seem angry.

She just drove by with Dick and threw a soda can at my head.

I'll have some story to tell at the recycling center.

- She told this punching bag boy

she couldn't stand the sight of him.

- Well, if it's any consolation, Michael,

I can't get enough of you.

- Thank you, George. That's the nicest lie you ever told.

- It was nothing.

You know, you should look on the bright side.

- You mean, I don't have a Diet Dr. Pepper dent

in my head like you do?

- No, no, that at least you have someone to yell at you.

Who do I have?

- Nobody.

- That's right, and you have a kid on the way,

who will probably yell at you too.

Who do I have?

- Nobody again. Just you, yourself, and ye.

- If it weren't for people throwing things at my head,

I wouldn't even know I exist.

- Wow, you speak wise words, Kemo-Georgie.

No matter how bad things seem for moi,

I mean, your lot is a lot worse. You must be miserable.

Thanks for the pep, pal.

[GROANING]

- I'm so glad you decided to stay.

You'll see, other than Stephanie,

the rest of us New Englanders are nice and normal.

[GEORGE GROANING]

GEORGE: Oh. Oh, hi, Joanna.

Hi, Mr. Jenkins.

- George, what are you doing down there?

- I'm playing a quick game of hide and whimper,

'cause nobody wants to yell at me.

- I'll be checking out now.

- Mr. Jenkins!

[LONG GROANS]

Can't you play hide and whimper in your own damn room?

Mr. Jenkins!

- She yelled at me!

- Honestly, Dick.

You are the slowest driver I have ever seen.

- Well, you know, I mean,

how much time would we have saved

even if I had run over those ducks?

- Well, I guess we'll never know, will we?

Oh, my god, that's a Gianna Bruzzese.

The new spring line came out and I didn't even know it.

- I can't believe it got by the both of us.

- Excuse me, miss.

I'd like to try on that Gianna Bruzzese.

[LAUGHS]

- Maybe--maybe you--maybe you pronounced it wrong.

- I'm sorry, I thought you were making a joke.

- Trying on a dress is not a joke.

Later on, I'll tell you a real joke

and you can compare the two and learn the difference.

Now, get me my dress,

you four-eyed shop girl, before I make a stink.

- Fine.

- You know, Stephanie, you were just the teeniest bit rude

to that--to that shop girl.

- I was?

I didn't say please to that witch, did I?

- That was it, and you were also a little hard on Michael before.

You know, especially when you said

you couldn't stand the sight of him.

- Oh gee, I hope he didn't take that the wrong way.

I mean, I love Michael.

He's my husband and the father of my baby-to-be.

Oh, I'm going to look gorgeous in that.

Let me try it on. Let me try it on.

- Maybe in a few months when you're a little less pregnant.

- Are you saying you refuse to serve a pregnant woman

because if you are, that's probably illegal

and I'll have to sue that cheap polyester frock

right off your back.

- O-Okay, I'm--I'm ready to go.

Maybe if w-we hurry, we'll get a-another crack at those ducks,

especially--especially the one that you claimed was,

you know, w-was staring at you.

- Dick, this woman is interfering

with my God-given right to try on clothes.

- I'm sorry, miss,

but you're just too enormous for this dress.

- Careful, miss.

She has a-a loaded can of Dr. Pepper in her purse.

- If you think that dress is too small for my enormous body,

just let the damn thing out.

- I can't. There's not enough material.

- Then take some from her.

But I am not leaving this store until I try that dress on.

- Is that so?

- O-Okay. Okay, everyone.

Show is over. Please disperse.

Th-Thank you.

- Take that dress off. We need the material.

- Forget it, it's mine.

- Dick, rip her dress off.

- Okay folks, show's over. Please disperse.

- Sure, you listen to a guy in uniform.

- Help me rip her dress off.

You might want to club her first.

- Would you please ask this person to leave?

She's frightening the other shoppers.

- I am not frightening anyone.

Am I? - No. No, I'm not scared at all.

- Tell you what, if you leave, I'll buy you a cherry Slurpee.

How about grape?

You just hit me!

No Slurpee for you. Come on.

- Get your hands off me.

Would you please hold that dress for me?

- She must be insane to do something like that.

- Am I glad she's gone.

I was scared for my life.

STEPHANIE: Dick, are you coming or not?

- She doesn't mean me. My n--my name is Phil.

STEPHANIE: Dick! - Coming. Coming.

- Mr. Jenkins!

Mr. Jenkins!

Mr. Jenkins!

Mr. Jenkins!

Michael, have you seen Mr. Jenkins?

I'm trying to talk him into staying.

- No, no, JoJo, I haven't.

Have you seen my hormonal other?

- No.

Come to think of it, have you seen Dick?

- I haven't even laid a partial peeper on your man Dick-free.

- Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother, Darryl,

and this is my other brother, Darryl.

- Have you guys seen a Mr. Jenkins?

- No. - Have you seen a Stephy?

- No. - Have you seen Dick?

- No.

We're in luck, Darryl.

The rapid-fire questions and general confusion

leads me to believe we've stumbled upon a French farce.

Please continue.

- Have you checked the pantry?

- Zut alors , I haven't.

- See, in classic French farce, people often hide in pantries,

unless they're dead,

in which case they sit in chairs

while others hold one-sided conversations with them.

The harried innkeeper has arrived.

Let's see if we can follow the action.

- Stephanie's in jail. We have to bail her out.

- My cupcake's in a cage! Why?

- I'll tell you on the way.

- Harried innkeeper beats a hasty retreat,

followed closely by the perplexed male ingénue.

- Did I just hear Dick?

- You missed him by a split second.

Timing is everything in a farce,

hence the failure of Marblehead Manor.

- Do you know where he went?

- Yes, with Michael.

- Do you know where Michael went?

- Yes, with Dick.

A good farce must have comedy.

Moliere said it best when he said go for the yuks.

- Dick!

Michael!

Mr. Jenkins!

- It appears to be intermission.

It appears intermission is over.

Mr. Jenkins, we presume? - Yes.

- Miss Joanna's looking for you. She's right outside.

- Oh no, I guess I'll have to sneak out at night.

- Hear that, Darryl?

Two shows a day.

Let us ourselves beat a hasty retreat

and get gussied up for this evening performance.

It's not often you find good French farce in Vermont.

- Or a good egg cream.

- [SINGING OFF TUNE] ♪ Why do Birds suddenly appear ♪

♪ Every time you're near? ♪

♪ Just like me They like to be close to you ♪

- Knock off the singing.

We prisoners have rights too, you know.

- Listen, I can make things easy on you

or I can make them hard.

- Makes things easy, get a new face.

- This was such a peaceful burg before this baby boom hit.

- I like your style.

What are you in for?

- I slapped a security guard just to watch him go, "Ow."

How about you?

- Slapped my mailman.

TV Guide was late,

and it had Cosby on the cover again.

- I slapped my priest after he told me

this water retention too shall pass.

- Yeah, this must be the cellblock

where they put the slappers.

Well, if people cross us, they're going to pay.

- That's right. - Right on.

- Oh my God, I slapped Father Ponstil.

Oh, how could I have done that?

He baptized me, for goodness sakes.

- And I slapped that nice mailman, Mr. Dinsmore.

It's not his fault Bill Cosby is so ubiquitous.

- That poor security guard was just doing his job.

I really should pay for that tooth I cracked.

[ALL SOBBING]

- Hey, I warned you before, knock off the mood swings.

- Poor Michael, the things I said to him.

- Oh, I called my husband a walking phlegm ball.

- I told mine that the baby isn't his.

It might be his.

- Dr. Grossman warned me I might have mood swings.

Of course, he was standing out of striking range

when he said it.

- You use Dr. Grossman?

I do too. - Me too.

- No. - Yes!

[ALL SCREAMING]

- I love that man so much.

- He's so gentle.

- And sweet.

Other than my husband and my mailman,

Dr. Grossman's the only man I like getting undressed for.

- All right, ladies, let's can the smut.

You here to visit the riffraff?

- Actually just the one riff.

- Does--does there seem to be a theme here?

- Michael, you came for me,

and after all of the horrible things I said.

You are the most wonderful man in the world.

- No, my man is.

- No, my men are.

- Oh Michael, being away from you and in the lockup

has been torture.

- But Muffin, this morning you said

you couldn't stand the sight of me.

- Well, that wasn't me talking.

That was my raging hormones and they don't love you like I do.

- Aw, Steph!

- Oh, Michael.

- Aw.

- Okay, get away from me.

Go see what's keeping Dick.

If I stay here any longer,

I might wind up hard and bitter like these two.

No offense, but you two have an edge that's not pretty.

- Come on, Dick. Shake a shin.

My caged cutie wants out of cellblock mommy.

- I'm trying.

I've never seen so many damn questions on a form.

Do you really have to know what type of music I like?

- We want our records to be complete.

Just as I thought, show tunes.

- Here, do I have to go through a-a strip search now?

- Watch it, Loudon.

I could book you for sarcasm one.

All right, blondie,

flap your wings.

Fly to freedom.

- Bye, Norma. - Bye, honey.

- Bye, Debbie. - We'll miss you, banjo.

- Well, I'll see you as soon as the system

spits you back out on the streets.

- I wouldn't rent a reunion hall just yet.

- Problemo with the Sing-Sing sisters?

- Their hubbies are over at Johnnycake Bar and Grill

watching the Patriots game.

Won't be over 'til said game is.

- The Patriots game is on?

Damn.

H-How come my mailman always d-delivers my TV Guide late?

- Some mailmen need a good slapping.

- Well, I'm not leaving until my sisters are sprung too.

- Welcome back, honey.

- We missed you, banjo.

- Cuppers, what are you doing?

You just met these big bad mamas.

- Michael, when you do time with people,

you become very close very quickly.

- But Steph, seeing you withering away in that slammer

is more than this papa bear can bear.

Bail them all out, Dick.

- I'm not going to bail out total strangers.

- Oh, it's always you straight arrows

that won't give us cons a break.

Michael, make Dick write another check.

- Dick, write another check.

- No! - Do something, Michael.

I'm starting to hate the sight of you again.

- Jeepers, you do turn on a dime.

What do you say we jitter over to the Johnnycake

and hustle back their hubbies?

- Good idea.

Banjo is starting to frighten me.

We'll be back [WHISPERS] as soon as the game is over.

- I heard that, Dick,

and I want your scrawny bodies back here immediately.

- Let's hope it goes into triple overtime.

- I heard that too.

- You men are all alike. - You're all scum.

- You try hauling around 20 extra pounds of baby.

- [MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO] - [ALL SHOUTING TOGETHER]

MICHAEL: Here you go.

- Thanks, Michael.

MICHAEL: You're welcome, Dickers.

- What--what are you doing down there?

MICHAEL: My ex-con cutie is still gunning for me.

- How about you, Mr. Jenkins?

MR. JENKINS: I'm hiding from your wife.

- Ah!

♪ Just like me They long to be ♪

BOTH: ♪ Close to you ♪

- ♪ Just like me They long to be ♪

ALL TOGETHER: ♪ Close to you ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Close to you ♪

[APPLAUSE]

[♪♪♪]

- Meow!