Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

- All right, one free guess as to how we spent our morning.

- Serving meals at the Mission?

- No, we've been shopping.

- We were at the mall

bagging more goodies for our bambino-to-be.

Can baby Harris come out to play?

[GIGGLES]

- Oh, my God, two more months of this.

- Michael, get up.

I feel a mood swing coming on.

- Stephanie, your mother just called.

She's helicoptering up to see you today.

- Ooooh.

- Allow me to lend a limb.

- Oh, thank you.

I guess you want me to haul this up to your room?

- Ixnay, Jorgé.

The papoose paraphernalia goes next door in room seven.

- I thought we decided seven

would be the baby's viewing room.

- Beg to differ, Mama Samba.

When we knock down the wall between five and six,

seven becomes six, see,

and eight turns into a little mini--

- Michael, we're not knocking down any walls.

- Wouldn't dream of it.

George is.

Sound like fun, old mule?

- Well, I'd like to have lunch first, young ass.

- Listen, we don't mind your staying here

when the baby comes, but in one room.

With the original four walls.

- Joanna, you can't expect us to live in the same room as a baby.

- What if it cries or something and it wakes me up?

In the morning, I'll be all cranky

and I'll look like hell.

- Oh, if it'll keep you from waking up puffy-faced...

gut the damn place.

- You mean it? - No!

- Methinks we three peas need a new pod.

- Of course. Let's buy a house!

- Let's!

- Methinks these three peas are out of their shells.

- Michael, you can't afford a house,

you're a bag boy.

You barely make minimum wage.

- Plus tips.

Mrs. Levinson's always good for a buck.

More if I'm wearing my stonewashed 501s.

- But--but, surely, we stray.

- Have you considered renting?

- [laughs] Joanna, a Vanderkellen doesn't rent.

- Okay, but if you change your mind,

I'm handling a rental that just came on.

Do you know the Enwright estate up on Johnnycake Heights?

- Do we know it?

Oh, sweetmeat, that mansion is mucho magnifico!

- And it would be fitting for us to look down on the town.

- Almost--almost poetic.

- It's the guest house that's for rent.

And that's only until the main house sells.

- Oh darn.

There's that pesky reality again.

- Don't crumble, muffin.

Let's take a pregnant pause and peruse the positives.

We'd have an impressive mailing address

creating the illusion of wealth.

Nothing to scoff at there.

- And we could still look down on the town.

- And just because the house is small,

that doesn't mean your egos have to be.

- He's right! When can we move in?

- Well, we can go look at it now.

- Wunderbar! - Okay.

[♪♪♪]

- [whispers] Ah.

Ah, I love it!

We'll take it.

- Stephanie, this is the main house.

The guest house is out there.

- Behind that old garage?

- On top of that old garage.

- Michael!

- Talk--Talk about your convenient parking, though.

- Don't fret, my worried pet. We haven't seen the inside yet.

Key please?

- I think it's in the kitchen, but it's not really a key.

It's more like a garage door opener.

- Right, like that won't look clunky on my Tiffany keychain.

Oh, but this place.

Michael, can you imagine how glorious

this room would look filled with pictures of us?

- And we'd finally have room for that mural

I've always wanted to paint of you.

- You mean "The Four Seasons of Stephanie?

- Oh, but we can't afford this place.

Why are we torturing ourselves?

- And others.

- But I love you, you big beautiful house.

JOANNA: Stephanie?

- It loves me too!

- That's Joanna.

JOANNA: I'm still trying to find the garage door opener.

It's so big, you'd think it'd be easy to spot.

- Oh. Michael, this is the longest hallway I've....

Look! There's no end to it.

- There's got to be. Time me in a hall dash.

- Ready, set, go!

[MICHAEL'S FEET KEEP CLOMPING]

MICHAEL: Time!

- 12 seconds.

MICHAEL: I bet I can beat it!

- I bet you can't!

- Ready, set, go!

[MICHAEL'S FEET CLOMP]

- Do you see him yet?

- Oh, wait, I think that's him. Come on baby, run to Mama!

10 seconds! Your new personal best!

- Well, I could've done it in nine.

But I stopped for a second to eyeball the indoor/outdoor pool.

- Oh, Michael.

And your whole life long you've had that recurring dream

about owning a pool like that.

- I-Is that the same dream where you're tied to the diving board

by Fiona, the--the rubber-suited mistress?

My--My mistake, what am I thinking?

Th-Th-That's my dream.

- Ew.

- Okay, I found the opener.

- Joanna, I want this house.

I don't care what it costs, I want it!

- It's a million-two.

- Think they'll come down?

- Michael, you can't even afford the "two" part.

- Oh, Michael, Dick's right.

We don't have enough money to buy this place.

I'll just have to ask Mummy to buy it for us.

- Yes!

- Yes!

- "Dear Diary, today I decided to leave Vermont."

- Mummy's coming, Mummy's coming!

- Mummy's coming, Mummy's coming!

- Now, Michael, remember, let me do all the talking.

I know how to pull this woman's strings

and make her dance like a drunken puppet.

- Stephie!

- Mummy!

- Joanna.

- Mrs. Vanderkellen!

- Dick.

Hello, Michael.

- Oh, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!

Pleasure as always, Mrs. V.

- Well, pregnancy certainly becomes you.

- I think we all knew it would.

- I can't get over how much you're looking like

Kim Basinger these days.

Am I right, Dick? - Uncanny.

- Mm, nobody wears Elizabeth Taylor's Passion

like you, Lady Vanderkellen.

- My, your husband seems to be sucking up more than usual.

Okay, what do you two want?

- Want?

We're young and beautiful with a baby on the way.

What more could we possibly want?

- She spotted her prey.

- I suppose we could use a little housewarming gift.

Let's see.

We have a coffee grinder and a juicer.

Michael, do we have a house?

- A house? Not that I recall.

- Circling their victim.

- I see through your little charade.

You want me to fork over a down payment on some cute cottage.

- And now the kill.

- Bottom line, Mom, we want you to buy us a big big mansion.

- How much?

- Only a million-two and there's room for a mural of me.

- It's a very soft million-two.

The owners are flexible, motivated and willing to carry.

- What does all that mean?

- I'm not sure, but I bet someone in my office knows.

- Normally, if it's over a million,

I'm supposed to consult with my husband.

- See, honey, I'm not the only one

who subscribes to that policy.

- But Arthur is buying an election in Central America now.

Oh, what the heck, I'll pop for the house.

- Yes! - Yes!

- Damn, you're a grand dame.

- There is, however, one provision.

Stephanie, as you may have noticed,

you have no siblings.

- That's why at Christmas I get all the presents.

- That's what Christmas is all about.

- Alas, there's no one to carry on the family name.

So, Michael, Mr. Vanderkellen and I have discussed

making you an offer.

- Offer?

- The timing couldn't be more fortuitous.

In exchange for this big, big mansion,

we'd simply like you to change your last name to Vanderkellen.

- What?

You want me to sell my name, my legacy,

my very being for some house?

- That is correct.

- Okey-doke.

- What is this huge room off the master bedroom?

- Well, right now, it's a walk-in closet.

But you could turn it into a darling nursery for the baby.

- Michael, did you hear that?

A walk-in closet.

- Holy Imelda, we're blessed.

- M-Michael, hasn't it occurred to you,

y-you sold your soul for a--a lot of closet space.

- So?

- Well, don't you get it? When you give away your name,

y-you're giving away your identity, y-your integrity.

- Dick, when we got married, I gave away my name.

Are you saying I gave away my identity and integrity?

- Of course not.

- Why is that?

- You're a woman.

- Meaning?

- Meaning you're not a man.

- So?

- So, it-it's different.

- What do you mean it's different?

- It's not the same.

- Dick, I know what different means.

- Good. Glad we cleared that up.

- Dick?

You're sitting here.

- Yeah.

- For years, you've been sitting at that table,

and now you're sitting at this table.

I don't like it.

- I-I didn't mean to rock your world, George.

- Hey, quick quiz, G-man.

Say you were offered a heap o'house

to change your last name.

Go or no go?

- Heck, a man's name is his most important possession.

Once it's gone, he's no better than some lost forgotten animal

who roams the streets eating rotten garbage

and sleeping on dung heaps.

But that's just me.

- Hi, I'm Larry, this is my bro...

Talk about your unsettling spectacles.

- I know, I know.

I normally sit over there and now I'm sitting here.

I just... felt capricious, okay?

- I was alluding to the chunk of blueberry stuck

to your front tooth.

No, Darryl, you let Dick lick off that blueberry hisself.

See, Darryl, you were wrong.

Just because Michael's taken on Miss Stephanie's name,

doesn't mean he's turned into a femme fatale.

Although with his legs crossed in that sultry manner,

he does resemble a young Shirley Booth.

- Question.

Would you quirky crossbred country kinsmen

consider mangling your monikers for a mansion on the mount?

- First off, kudos on your spectacular,

if not excessive, alliterative skills.

Your query is moot, however, since years ago,

Darryl altered his given name to avoid confusion

both at home and at obedience school.

- What--What did Darryl's name use to be?

- Larry.

- So you guys do approve of me taking the Vanderkellen name?

- What? We thought you were taking

Miss Stephanie's lilting first name.

Selling your last name

would mean losing your identity and integrity.

We'd sooner brush our teeth than change our last name.

Come on, Darryl.

I said come on, Darryl.

[WHISTLES]

- Stephanie, did I do right?

I mean, even Larry and the guys think

I shouldn't change my last name.

- Michael, they also think they're dogs.

- Still.

- Come on, let's go pick up tile samples

before the store closes, Mr. Vanderkellen.

Ooh, I like that.

- Michael, don't worry about losing

your identity and integrity.

That only happens to women.

- You don't have much respect for me anymore, do you?

- No.

- I see. Well, hear this.

No matter what name I go by,

I'm still the man in this family.

STEPHANIE: Michael, I need you to run upstairs

and get my purse!

- The Louis Vuitton clutch or the Coach classic?

STEPHANIE: The Coach! - Righty-oh!

We'll continue this discussion later.

- Michael?

Michael!

Well, you just flew out of the tile store.

Okay, so you didn't like the peach-colored grout

I picked out.

- It's not the grout, Steph, it's me.

I just had to see if this was all worth bidding adieu

to my identity and integrity.

- Oh, Michael, of course it is. That's a solid brass wet bar.

- I know, I know!

But last year, when I lost you and my job

and a sizable section of my sanity...

all I had left was my name.

And now, I'm losing that.

- But now you have me.

And a new job.

And nearly all of your sanity.

You don't need your name anymore.

Michael, did you swim in?

Oh, you know those linen pants are dry-clean only.

- Seemed uncouth backstroking naked before escrow closes.

If it ever closes.

- Come on, you want to try

for a new record in the hallway dash?

- The time wouldn't be official.

I'm carrying about 20 pounds of water.

- Tell me about it.

Okay.

I'm about to do something very unselfish.

- You?

- I guess this giving up your name thing

is some kind of big deal to you so...

I'm going to give you permission

to make up your own mind about it.

- You are? You mean, it's up to me?

You mean, I can make this decision all--

- Oh, stop rubbing my nose in it.

- Steph, am I the man of this family?

- Well, Michael, you are a man. And we are a family.

So, I guess in the technical sense.

- So, no matter what I decide,

your feelings for me won't change?

- No, Michael, I'll still love you.

- Even if I have integrity?

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Thanks. I'll meet you outside.

- Where are you going?

- Well, just in case I never see this place again.

[POOL SPLASH]

- What a lovable lunatic.

- Michael, you're dripping wet.

[MICHAEL SNEEZES]

- Dear boy, a Vanderkellen man

is only permitted to wear wet trousers while at sea.

- I can wear wet pants anywhere I want.

I'm not giving up the Harris name.

- No?

- No!

- No?

- Yes!

- My means may be meager but I do own something of value.

My self-respect and my dignity.

Right, Dick?

- Well, the--the words are there, Michael.

- I see.

Darling, did you give Michael permission

to make up his own mind?

- Yeah.

- Tut-tut-tut. Good night, all.

- Didn't my little morality play sway you even a smidge?

- Yes, it was very touching.

- So, we still get the house?

- Certainly not.

- But you said it was touching!

- I thought The Sound of Music was touching.

But we didn't buy Christopher Plummer a house.

Come to think of it, I believe we did.

He was most grateful.

- Mommy, you can't do this.

Couldn't we negotiate or something?

- Negotiate, right, run with it, Steph.

- I'm listening.

- Well, try this out.

Michael VanHarris.

- I could live with that.

- I couldn't.

- How about Michael VandyHarris?

- I think not.

- Michael VanderHarris.

- Sorry!

- Michael VanderkelHarris.

- Michael Vanderkellis!

- Mm.

- Michael Vanderkellen!

- Now, that I love!

- Yes! - Yes!

- Yes!

- Excuse me, but...

D-Doesn't that name sound vaguely familiar to any of you?

- Quiet, Dick, there's a house in it for you.

- Sorry, Mrs. V., no dice.

- You know, this situation reminds me

of a certain young suitor from my past.

Who also had character and the courage of his convictions.

- Daddy does have that way about him.

- Oh, not your daddy.

The boy I dumped for your daddy.

Your father had very little integrity,

but man, was he loaded.

- This other chap, did he go on to become a big tycoon?

A captain of industry?

- Actually, he died a penniless drunk.

And the jury is still out on you, young man.

And you'll want to lose that sweater.

Certain men can't carry off pearls.

- I-I know the two of you feel miserable right now.

But I-I think you'll find that life, you know,

as--as wondrous as it can be--

- Oh, shut up, Dick.

- You know, that-- that woman has been moody

ever since she gave up her last name.

- Michael, we're among the homeless.

- You could still rent the--the guest house.

- Oh. - Good going, Dick.

Do you stay up nights thinking of these sick ways to hurt us?

- Only--Only when Carson is in rerun.

- If you need a place to stay,

the swallows have left their nest.

- Oh, Michael, please don't make me live in a nest.

I'm having a baby, for God's sake.

- Uh no, I mean, they were nesting

in the carriage house out back, and now it's empty.

- Really? You know, Steph,

I always thought that rustic retreat

had fix-me-up potench.

- And it is on that little hill.

We could still look down on Dick and Joanna.

- Oh, you don't need a hill for that.

- He's right. Okay, we'll take it!

You think there's enough closet space?

- Well, if George knocked a hole in the back wall

and built a long hallway to the barn.

- You're right.

Then that whole humongous barn could be our closet!

Well, your closet.

- Dick, help me.

- VanderkelHarris does have a certain sound appeal.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.