All language subtitles for Newhart_S08E06

[♪♪♪]

- All right, one free guess
as to how we spent our morning.

- Serving meals at the Mission?

- No, we've been shopping.

- We were at the mall

bagging more goodies
for our bambino-to-be.

Can baby Harris
come out to play?

[GIGGLES]

- Oh, my God,
two more months of this.

- Michael, get up.

I feel a mood swing coming on.

- Stephanie,
your mother just called.

She's helicoptering up
to see you today.

- Ooooh.

- Allow me to lend a limb.

- Oh, thank you.

I guess you want me to
haul this up to your room?

- Ixnay, Jorgé.

The papoose paraphernalia
goes next door in room seven.

- I thought we decided seven

would be the baby's
viewing room.

- Beg to differ, Mama Samba.

When we knock down the wall
between five and six,

seven becomes six, see,

and eight turns into
a little mini--

- Michael, we're not
knocking down any walls.

- Wouldn't dream of it.

George is.

Sound like fun, old mule?

- Well, I'd like to have
lunch first, young ass.

- Listen, we don't mind
your staying here

when the baby comes,
but in one room.

With the original four walls.

- Joanna, you can't expect us to
live in the same room as a baby.

- What if it cries or something
and it wakes me up?

In the morning,
I'll be all cranky

and I'll look like hell.

- Oh, if it'll keep you
from waking up puffy-faced...

gut the damn place.

- You mean it?
- No!

- Methinks we three peas
need a new pod.

- Of course.
Let's buy a house!

- Let's!

- Methinks these three peas
are out of their shells.

- Michael,
you can't afford a house,

you're a bag boy.

You barely make minimum wage.

- Plus tips.

Mrs. Levinson's
always good for a buck.

More if I'm wearing
my stonewashed 501s.

- But--but, surely, we stray.

- Have you considered renting?

- [laughs] Joanna,
a Vanderkellen doesn't rent.

- Okay,
but if you change your mind,

I'm handling a rental
that just came on.

Do you know the Enwright estate
up on Johnnycake Heights?

- Do we know it?

Oh, sweetmeat, that mansion
is mucho magnifico!

- And it would be fitting for us
to look down on the town.

- Almost--almost poetic.

- It's the guest house
that's for rent.

And that's only until
the main house sells.

- Oh darn.

There's that pesky
reality again.

- Don't crumble, muffin.

Let's take a pregnant pause
and peruse the positives.

We'd have an impressive
mailing address

creating the illusion of wealth.

Nothing to scoff at there.

- And we could still
look down on the town.

- And just because
the house is small,

that doesn't mean
your egos have to be.

- He's right!
When can we move in?

- Well, we can
go look at it now.

- Wunderbar!
- Okay.

[♪♪♪]

- [whispers] Ah.

Ah, I love it!

We'll take it.

- Stephanie,
this is the main house.

The guest house is out there.

- Behind that old garage?

- On top of that old garage.

- Michael!

- Talk--Talk about your
convenient parking, though.

- Don't fret, my worried pet.
We haven't seen the inside yet.

Key please?

- I think it's in the kitchen,
but it's not really a key.

It's more like
a garage door opener.

- Right, like that won't look
clunky on my Tiffany keychain.

Oh, but this place.

Michael, can you imagine
how glorious

this room would look
filled with pictures of us?

- And we'd finally
have room for that mural

I've always
wanted to paint of you.

- You mean "The Four Seasons
of Stephanie?

- Oh, but we can't
afford this place.

Why are we torturing ourselves?

- And others.

- But I love you,
you big beautiful house.

JOANNA: Stephanie?

- It loves me too!

- That's Joanna.

JOANNA: I'm still trying to
find the garage door opener.

It's so big, you'd think
it'd be easy to spot.

- Oh. Michael, this is
the longest hallway I've....

Look! There's no end to it.

- There's got to be.
Time me in a hall dash.

- Ready, set, go!

[MICHAEL'S FEET KEEP CLOMPING]

MICHAEL: Time!

- 12 seconds.

MICHAEL: I bet I can beat it!

- I bet you can't!

- Ready, set, go!

[MICHAEL'S FEET CLOMP]

- Do you see him yet?

- Oh, wait, I think that's him.
Come on baby, run to Mama!

10 seconds!
Your new personal best!

- Well, I could've done it
in nine.

But I stopped for a second to
eyeball the indoor/outdoor pool.

- Oh, Michael.

And your whole life long
you've had that recurring dream

about owning a pool like that.

- I-Is that the same dream where
you're tied to the diving board

by Fiona, the--the
rubber-suited mistress?

My--My mistake,
what am I thinking?

Th-Th-That's my dream.

- Ew.

- Okay, I found the opener.

- Joanna, I want this house.

I don't care what it costs,
I want it!

- It's a million-two.

- Think they'll come down?

- Michael, you can't even
afford the "two" part.

- Oh, Michael, Dick's right.

We don't have enough money
to buy this place.

I'll just have to ask Mummy
to buy it for us.

- Yes!

- Yes!

- "Dear Diary, today I decided
to leave Vermont."

- Mummy's coming,
Mummy's coming!

- Mummy's coming,
Mummy's coming!

- Now, Michael, remember,
let me do all the talking.

I know how to pull
this woman's strings

and make her dance
like a drunken puppet.

- Stephie!

- Mummy!

- Joanna.

- Mrs. Vanderkellen!

- Dick.

Hello, Michael.

- Oh, Mummy, Mummy, Mummy!

Pleasure as always, Mrs. V.

- Well, pregnancy
certainly becomes you.

- I think we all knew it would.

- I can't get over
how much you're looking like

Kim Basinger these days.

Am I right, Dick?
- Uncanny.

- Mm, nobody wears
Elizabeth Taylor's Passion

like you, Lady Vanderkellen.

- My, your husband seems to be
sucking up more than usual.

Okay, what do you two want?

- Want?

We're young and beautiful
with a baby on the way.

What more could
we possibly want?

- She spotted her prey.

- I suppose we could use
a little housewarming gift.

Let's see.

We have a coffee grinder
and a juicer.

Michael, do we have a house?

- A house?
Not that I recall.

- Circling their victim.

- I see through
your little charade.

You want me to fork over a down
payment on some cute cottage.

- And now the kill.

- Bottom line, Mom, we want you
to buy us a big big mansion.

- How much?

- Only a million-two and there's
room for a mural of me.

- It's a very soft million-two.

The owners are flexible,
motivated and willing to carry.

- What does all that mean?

- I'm not sure, but I bet
someone in my office knows.

- Normally,
if it's over a million,

I'm supposed to
consult with my husband.

- See, honey,
I'm not the only one

who subscribes to that policy.

- But Arthur is buying an
election in Central America now.

Oh, what the heck,
I'll pop for the house.

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Damn, you're a grand dame.

- There is, however,
one provision.

Stephanie,
as you may have noticed,

you have no siblings.

- That's why at Christmas
I get all the presents.

- That's what Christmas
is all about.

- Alas, there's no one to
carry on the family name.

So, Michael, Mr. Vanderkellen
and I have discussed

making you an offer.

- Offer?

- The timing couldn't be
more fortuitous.

In exchange for
this big, big mansion,

we'd simply like you to change
your last name to Vanderkellen.

- What?

You want me to sell
my name, my legacy,

my very being
for some house?

- That is correct.

- Okey-doke.

- What is this huge room
off the master bedroom?

- Well, right now,
it's a walk-in closet.

But you could turn it into
a darling nursery for the baby.

- Michael, did you hear that?

A walk-in closet.

- Holy Imelda, we're blessed.

- M-Michael,
hasn't it occurred to you,

y-you sold your soul
for a--a lot of closet space.

- So?

- Well, don't you get it?
When you give away your name,

y-you're giving away
your identity, y-your integrity.

- Dick, when we got married,
I gave away my name.

Are you saying I gave away
my identity and integrity?

- Of course not.

- Why is that?

- You're a woman.

- Meaning?

- Meaning you're not a man.

- So?

- So, it-it's different.

- What do you mean
it's different?

- It's not the same.

- Dick, I know
what different means.

- Good. Glad we cleared that up.

- Dick?

You're sitting here.

- Yeah.

- For years, you've been
sitting at that table,

and now you're sitting
at this table.

I don't like it.

- I-I didn't mean to
rock your world, George.

- Hey, quick quiz, G-man.

Say you were offered
a heap o'house

to change your last name.

Go or no go?

- Heck, a man's name is
his most important possession.

Once it's gone, he's no better
than some lost forgotten animal

who roams the streets
eating rotten garbage

and sleeping on dung heaps.

But that's just me.

- Hi, I'm Larry,
this is my bro...

Talk about your
unsettling spectacles.

- I know, I know.

I normally sit over there
and now I'm sitting here.

I just...
felt capricious, okay?

- I was alluding to
the chunk of blueberry stuck

to your front tooth.

No, Darryl, you let Dick lick
off that blueberry hisself.

See, Darryl, you were wrong.

Just because Michael's taken on
Miss Stephanie's name,

doesn't mean he's turned
into a femme fatale.

Although with his legs crossed
in that sultry manner,

he does resemble
a young Shirley Booth.

- Question.

Would you quirky
crossbred country kinsmen

consider mangling your monikers
for a mansion on the mount?

- First off,
kudos on your spectacular,

if not excessive,
alliterative skills.

Your query is moot,
however, since years ago,

Darryl altered his given name
to avoid confusion

both at home
and at obedience school.

- What--What did Darryl's name
use to be?

- Larry.

- So you guys do approve of me
taking the Vanderkellen name?

- What? We thought
you were taking

Miss Stephanie's
lilting first name.

Selling your last name

would mean losing
your identity and integrity.

We'd sooner brush our teeth
than change our last name.

Come on, Darryl.

I said come on, Darryl.

[WHISTLES]

- Stephanie,
did I do right?

I mean, even Larry
and the guys think

I shouldn't change
my last name.

- Michael, they also think
they're dogs.

- Still.

- Come on, let's go
pick up tile samples

before the store closes,
Mr. Vanderkellen.

Ooh, I like that.

- Michael, don't worry
about losing

your identity and integrity.

That only happens to women.

- You don't have much respect
for me anymore, do you?

- No.

- I see. Well, hear this.

No matter what name I go by,

I'm still the man
in this family.

STEPHANIE: Michael,
I need you to run upstairs

and get my purse!

- The Louis Vuitton clutch
or the Coach classic?

STEPHANIE: The Coach!
- Righty-oh!

We'll continue
this discussion later.

- Michael?

Michael!

Well, you just flew out
of the tile store.

Okay, so you didn't like
the peach-colored grout

I picked out.

- It's not the grout, Steph,
it's me.

I just had to see if this was
all worth bidding adieu

to my identity and integrity.

- Oh, Michael, of course it is.
That's a solid brass wet bar.

- I know, I know!

But last year,
when I lost you and my job

and a sizable section
of my sanity...

all I had left was my name.

And now, I'm losing that.

- But now you have me.

And a new job.

And nearly all of your sanity.

You don't need
your name anymore.

Michael, did you swim in?

Oh, you know those linen pants
are dry-clean only.

- Seemed uncouth backstroking
naked before escrow closes.

If it ever closes.

- Come on, you want to try

for a new record
in the hallway dash?

- The time wouldn't be official.

I'm carrying about
20 pounds of water.

- Tell me about it.

Okay.

I'm about to do
something very unselfish.

- You?

- I guess this
giving up your name thing

is some kind of
big deal to you so...

I'm going to give you permission

to make up
your own mind about it.

- You are? You mean,
it's up to me?

You mean, I can make
this decision all--

- Oh, stop rubbing my nose
in it.

- Steph, am I the man
of this family?

- Well, Michael, you are a man.
And we are a family.

So, I guess
in the technical sense.

- So, no matter what I decide,

your feelings for me
won't change?

- No, Michael,
I'll still love you.

- Even if I have integrity?

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Thanks.
I'll meet you outside.

- Where are you going?

- Well, just in case
I never see this place again.

[POOL SPLASH]

- What a lovable lunatic.

- Michael, you're dripping wet.

[MICHAEL SNEEZES]

- Dear boy,
a Vanderkellen man

is only permitted to wear
wet trousers while at sea.

- I can wear wet pants
anywhere I want.

I'm not giving up
the Harris name.

- No?

- No!

- No?

- Yes!

- My means may be meager
but I do own something of value.

My self-respect
and my dignity.

Right, Dick?

- Well, the--the words
are there, Michael.

- I see.

Darling, did you give
Michael permission

to make up his own mind?

- Yeah.

- Tut-tut-tut.
Good night, all.

- Didn't my little morality play
sway you even a smidge?

- Yes, it was very touching.

- So, we still get the house?

- Certainly not.

- But you said it was touching!

- I thought The Sound of Music
was touching.

But we didn't buy
Christopher Plummer a house.

Come to think of it,
I believe we did.

He was most grateful.

- Mommy, you can't do this.

Couldn't we negotiate
or something?

- Negotiate, right,
run with it, Steph.

- I'm listening.

- Well, try this out.

Michael VanHarris.

- I could live with that.

- I couldn't.

- How about Michael VandyHarris?

- I think not.

- Michael VanderHarris.

- Sorry!

- Michael VanderkelHarris.

- Michael Vanderkellis!

- Mm.

- Michael Vanderkellen!

- Now, that I love!

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Yes!

- Excuse me, but...

D-Doesn't that name sound
vaguely familiar to any of you?

- Quiet, Dick,
there's a house in it for you.

- Sorry, Mrs. V., no dice.

- You know,
this situation reminds me

of a certain young suitor
from my past.

Who also had character and
the courage of his convictions.

- Daddy does have
that way about him.

- Oh, not your daddy.

The boy I dumped
for your daddy.

Your father had
very little integrity,

but man, was he loaded.

- This other chap, did he go on
to become a big tycoon?

A captain of industry?

- Actually, he died
a penniless drunk.

And the jury is still out
on you, young man.

And you'll want to
lose that sweater.

Certain men
can't carry off pearls.

- I-I know the two of you
feel miserable right now.

But I-I think you'll find
that life, you know,

as--as wondrous as it can be--

- Oh, shut up, Dick.

- You know, that--
that woman has been moody

ever since
she gave up her last name.

- Michael,
we're among the homeless.

- You could still rent
the--the guest house.

- Oh.
- Good going, Dick.

Do you stay up nights thinking
of these sick ways to hurt us?

- Only--Only when Carson is in
rerun.

- If you need a place to stay,

the swallows
have left their nest.

- Oh, Michael, please
don't make me live in a nest.

I'm having a baby,
for God's sake.

- Uh no, I mean,
they were nesting

in the carriage house out back,
and now it's empty.

- Really?
You know, Steph,

I always thought
that rustic retreat

had fix-me-up potench.

- And it is on that little hill.

We could still look down
on Dick and Joanna.

- Oh, you don't need
a hill for that.

- He's right.
Okay, we'll take it!

You think there's
enough closet space?

- Well, if George knocked
a hole in the back wall

and built a long hallway
to the barn.

- You're right.

Then that whole humongous barn
could be our closet!

Well, your closet.

- Dick, help me.

- VanderkelHarris does have
a certain sound appeal.

[♪♪♪]

- Meow.